Forgiveness

I thought I knew pain, until I was sucker punched.
I thought I knew relational boundaries, until God over-rode mine.
I thought I knew trust and what it was not.

Throughout life my response has always been the same to questions of trust, integrity and honesty - violate mine and good bye.  A very simple credo to live by, black and white, and works well for me, no extended drawn out dramas damaging everyone more and more.  I have absolutely no problem having no friends, that has been my life - a few close friends, many acquaintances and many  more whom I used to know.  Until now.

But what if you are compelled from above, not only to forgive but to actively seek that person's healing, to surprisingly share in their pain?  A week ago, my reply would have been a snort because I know this is impossible.  Today, not so much. 
                  
I am a shattered remnant of what I was in January, very little is left of me after I was gutted and left for dead by a friend with a bone to pick.  I have sat in shock since, watching, trying to figure out what happened, and God continued to feed me all I do not want to know, until I finally broke last week.  This time, it would have been Argentina, except for that darn leg problem!  God, can be quite merciless at times.  Trapped by a bum leg, forced to know everything I have no desire to, to see, to know, to feel - to then be given empathy for whom God wants drawn back.  Really?  And my twin natures tearing me apart within me - loving concern and protective self interest!

You have no idea how hard it was on Friday.  I tried to be nice, it did not work.  Okay, change wordings, change tactics, change tone.  Finally to be blunt. I have no idea how many times or what eventually got through, maybe God's Spirit?  Saying anything crass and crude is so hard for me, completely violating my Teutonic upbringing!  Good Lord!  What Miss Lobb, my Canadian teacher, would have done to me Friday!

And God is supplying me with seemingly endless supplies of grace and mercy, shoring me up for our first real meeting in many months.  Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I want to throw up.

As I write this, I have no idea where this day or week is going, so many unanswered questions, so much pressure from all sides and I am a force of one here!

-----  So I imagined that my luncheon would not occur.  It didn't, no one ate but at least there was a time for talk but not conversation.  I could have done better with conversation rather than icicle talking rounds and trying to correct impressions.  I hope it was helpful in some regard because the price on me was a bit high for them to just shrug it off.

My forgiveness was commanded, no argument allowed!  And, I did, I gave and I asked for forgiveness for the very first time in my life (I think).

I have no doubts that I managed to shoot both of my feet off during the event.  I would have done better not going at all, but God seems so dead set on my participation that you just know I will pay for this as well - No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished ... one of my Danish great uncles favorite statements.  Ah well, the entire point of this was for their healing and long term spiritual health.

And I do pray that may be so, but if not - my continued prayer will be their return and another chance to try again to argue from God's perspective...

What is Emotion

What is emotion, but a veil of tears behind which life is viewed through?
How can man succeed when all life is impacted by this thing called emotion?
Why should man ever been given something which only hinders all life, all desire, all success?

Driven to serve a God of standard.
Hindered by how created.
Guaranteed failure.

Then how can man stand judged?
How can man ever endure?
How can man ever have a defense?

Stripped of defense.
Condemned we stand.
Sentenced we are vanquished.

And the problem.
We are born sentenced.
Our only hope in God's mercy.

As I have been in prayer this week, I have come to understand things I only vaguely grasped before.  Slowly I learn and understand.  What I thought was sharp in my mind, I now understand was only dim and fuzzy.  Things I wrote even in January were not sharply defined, though I thought they were.  I understood long ago the beginnings and endings of much, the path less determined.  But, in pain, I have watched the endings become more viable.

Yeah, I know, you have no clue what I am talking about or if you do, know you are wrong.

My mind dwells on this creation and this problem I opened with.  James death last Friday only focused my mind more sharply.  Death is at the end of the trail for each of us.  Does not even matter how you get there, you are going to die - as almost all have through time.  Save for those after God's own heart (Enoch and Elijah being the exception).

How does one do that, be after God's own heart?

The answer must lie within the depths of emotion, the essence of man - desire, love, commitment - to an un-seeable God.
It must lie within the depths of discipleship - to not only follow but actually strive to be like our Savior, to do as He did.
Can anyone make it?  Well, I guess we each get to find that out on the other-side, but only if you tried in the first place ...

And so I return the concept I mentioned in passing on Saturday, that Germanic longing inexpressibly embedded within me - Sehnsucht, a place, a state, a set of mind, what is longed for and yet so unattainable.  I long for my home, I long for my peace, I long for my destiny, I long for my Creator.  This not an expression of ego or vanity, we each should desire this, yet we allow the world to cloud our minds.

The unattainable, will never be reachable in this lifetime.  So, abandoning - so, frustrating - so, humbling!

Maybe I am waking up ...

Live Without Fear

We have all of these gradient words for Christians: born again, convert, believer, follower, disciple, apostle - probably more exist, my mind is tired today.

So, we could argue that this is a growing through steps or stages kind of thing, but honestly I think that is a cop out to make excuses for all of the failures and lack of commitment we witness in the "christian" church of today.  Nowhere are you called to be born again, a convert or a believer and oh, by the way, that is end for the requirement of God on you.  And yet most inside this western modern "christianity" believe is to be true!  God expects oh so much more ...

You are in fact to be a disciple of Jesus.  You are to be someone whom not only follows Jesus, hence a follower, but you are to do as He did.  This does not come naturally nor easily, but then God never said He would ever give easy assignments.  He has to make a disciple out of your willingness to so.  You get to learn.

As Christians, we are called to live in this world and yet not become a part of this world.  What is that supposed to mean?!?!?  No house, no car, no 401k, no stocks, no bonds, no marriage, no family, no anything?!?!?!?!?  You would be mostly wrong - we are expected to pay our way in this world, pay for your housing, food, expenses, etc.  But we are not supposed to be anything more than living in this world, not vested in it.

Of course, this means that we will have a greater requirement for dependence upon God in our daily lives.  And that does not come easily - God will test you, bit by bit, it will be painful - you will question your faith - you will discover fear.  And you are not to have a spirit of fear.

2 Timothy 1:8 - 14

1.  We are not supposed to be ashamed!
In Jesus
In the gospel
Of the Church
Of the messenger

2.  I am willing to suffer!
For God
For Jesus
For His Gospel

You are called to suffer
You are called to do God's Will
You may or may not suffer ~ that is God's plan/will/lesson for you

Suffering is a blessing.

3.  I will follow!
Christianity is not a list of do's and don'ts
Christianity is history
Christianity changed the world once, it can do it again!

Know what you BELIEVE!

4.  I will guard!
God will guard what we give Him

We are to guard the message of the gospel God has entrusted to us.

Today, we find ourselves caught in the perfect storm!
We live a post-Christian world because of the failure of the Christian generations before us!
Our church no longer actually believes in God's reality!
Our church no long actually believes in the power of the Holy Spirit!
Our church questions if there really was a Jesus as the Bible describes!
Our seminaries crank out non-Christians as pastors!
Our seminaries no longer teach truth of the Gospel!
Our seminaries teach man's popular doctrines of the day!
Our seminaries have abandoned Christianity.
Our pastors are beset by immorality.
Our pastors are beset by the secularness of their congregations!
Our pastors are called upon to do all WE should be doing!

So how are you going to start to make a difference in taking the world back?  The answer is to end the fear reigning in your life.  But you have to begin to withdraw from the world system you have been sold out to.

(naturally, there are many specific examples of wonderful Godly men in the pastorate and a few solid seminaries as well - but I am addressing the 90%, not the 10% of what exists)

Marsha

Since I am semi-retired, I have a great deal of time on my hands.  Three days a week I watch grandchildren for my two with kids, two days a week I am flat on my lips recovering from the grandchildren the day before, as an average - one day a week I get to see a friend, one day a week I volunteer to help older people (think elderly, hospital, doctors, etc), and the final day I use doing projects at home - and am I ever so far behind the curve on that one - even my projects have projects!

So, two weeks ago I am driving an elderly couple to see their doctor in Seattle.  Both in their late eighties and both are a real hoot to be around!  I love their stories from the "good old days" and I think they like having someone to talk with.  The woman turns to me, hitting me on the arm in her adorable way and says, "I heard someone named Marsha in your church has cancer.  Do you know her?"

My mind had to race there.  I really only know maybe a dozen women by sight at the church and none of them personally.  The married ones stay away, whom I would feel safe around, and the others have no use for at all for tall, dark and European.  Even the barracuda whom I have mentioned in the past stays away - I am just too different (?) - unless her bicycle breaks down and then I get a sobbing phone call.  And the same really goes for the guys as well, Kris is just too odd.  I guess...

But, I could think of two Marsha's in the church, one of them the cleaning lady, whom also runs the children's church area.  But, although I may say hi to that Marsha, I really do not know much about her, much less the other one I have never said hi to.  And I see the cleaning lady often at church, so I know it is not her.

Having no clue on this subject and hearing no rumors floating, I just wrote off the question - there probably is an answer, it just will not be ever known by me!  And if it is the unknown Marsha, well mute point, I do not actually know her.

Saturday was bazaar day here in the south-end of Seattle.  School gyms, lunchrooms, Masonic Halls, community centers all hosting craft bazaars.  I do enjoy going and seeing what other artists are doing and in hopes of encouraging me to get out of the artist funk I am in - year three.

At one of the schools, I came across cleaning woman Marsha, with part of her family, we said hi and I moved on - just normal.  I accept non-existence well, she is Norwegian and vocal concerning Germans and besides her husband is a manual laborer and I think I am not liked by him because I think too much rather than grab a hammer and pound on something!  He is really good at pounding on things.

I had walked about ten feet when some of the women on the opposite side of the table were commenting at how horrible it was that Marsha has colon cancer and it is not going well.  Well, that stopped me in my tracks.

For me to say hi to you, is to not be polite, it is to acknowledge you.  The lack of any conversation is at best normal for me.  I can write volumes and say barely two words.  I was stunned that no one would tell anyone in our church about this!  That none of her kids would say anything.  That this church where deceitful gossip and outright lies have no problem circulating can not even acknowledge that one of our own is dying.

Really?!?!?!?!?

It just sickens me.  Today is a Seahawks (football) game day, horrible attendance because everyone is positioning themselves in front of their TV and no one could even think to hold a prayer session for this woman?

Her son asked me one time whom the greatest Christian was in the church.  I told him that it was his mother.  He was stunned.  I reminded him that even if she got paid to clean the church twice a week - it was still a testimony just to be willing to do it!  I would probably opt for using a flame thrower on the girls toilet!

Yeah, I think highly of her because she took the lowest of positions - does an outstanding job at that, to support the activities and direction of the Church.  And, I think she has done this for years!  And nobody helps her ever - other than her daughter on occasion.  That is the heart of service, that is the calling for each and everyone of us, to do the unlovely, to do the lowly, in quiet and without pretense or recognition.

Oh yeah, she will be rewarded in Heaven for her servitude while the millions whom have clamored for status, position and wealth in this sick generation will be lucky to reach Heaven with their backsides on fire!  So, you want to be a servant of God?  Think of the multitudes of Marsha's out there, unknown, unappreciated, unacknowled.

Take a moment this week and figure out a neat way to say thank you to the real Christian leader/witness/worker in your church; and remember that "imitation is the sincerest form of compliment"  (charles caleb colton) ...

Where Is God?

“Night, is a book by Elie Wiesel about his experience in the German concentration camps. “One day,” writes Wiesel, “as we returned from work, we saw three gallows… The SS [guards] seemed more preoccupied, more worried, than usual. To hang a child in front of thousands of onlookers was not a small matter. The head of the camp read the verdict. All eyes were on the child. He was pale, almost calm, but he was biting his lips as he stood in the shadow of the gallows… ‘Where is merciful God, where is He?’ someone behind me was asking. At the signal, the three chairs were tipped over… Then came the march past the victims. The two men were no longer alive… The child, too light, was still breathing… And so he remained for more than half an hour, lingering between life and death… Behind me, I heard the same man asking: ‘For God’s sake, where is God?’ And from within me, I heard a voice answer; ‘Where is He? This is where – hanging here from this gallows…'

Where is God when a child is shot in Newtown or hung in Auschwitz or killed in an American drone air strike or for that matter dies of cancer? I don’t know. There is no answer.

Talk of God giving humans free will and thus allowing us to face the consequences of our choices solves nothing. If the creator could intervene personally when it came to the magic tricks in the Bible like making the sun stand still for a day in a battle, he could have done something about that child gasping out his young life. He didn’t. Theology that tries to paper this horrible fact over with explanations about why there is evil is nothing but nervous blather.

But I take comfort in the fact that sometimes a person of immense courage follows Christ to a cross. Such acts point to a God that had the empathy to share our fate. Sometimes one person’s example gives me hope that following Christ might be the path that leads us out of the hell we’ve made, even if I’ll never know why we’re here in the first place, let alone why God didn’t just make things simpler, better, faster rather than taking the slow path of gradual ethical evolution."

***

If you are Christian, if you deal regularly with the unchurched, sometimes even the churched, you will hear the wail and the anger - because there is no God, because no fair God would allow ...

And how do you answer them?

When I think of my late friend Peter, telling of me of the nun Maria's plight in a Magadan death gulag ...
When I think of the 6.5 million Jews, the 7.5 million Christians executed by my father's Reich ...
When I think of Lenin and his 19 million executions to purify the land ...
When I think of the 30 million Stalin in his paranoia executed ...
When I think of Mao Tse Tung and his 32 million deaths ...
Or Pol Pot ...
Or Rwanda ...
Or Ruby Ridge, Idaho ...
Or Waco, Texas ...
Or the assassination of John F Kennedy ...
Or a record setting typhoon ...

Where is God when the millions, or even the one is crying out in their death rattle?
Where is God in the storm, the waves, the tides, the mass deaths by nature?

How can a fair God ...

And that is the rub, God is not "fair".  If he was you would already be dead, as would I.
God is a "just" God, he does what is right, not what is fair.

When we see with human eyes, we are looking for fairness.
When we see with God's eyes, we are looking for justice.

And when we are judging God, we are judging by human standards, not God's standards.

Where is God?  Allowing man to trash and destroy His creation, even human life.  He has already provided the only standard of measure for life - the ability to stand with Him but acknowledging His son's sacrifice, at human hands.

Where is God in the storm or other natural disaster?  Perhaps judging a perverse culture, perhaps destroying false witnesses, perhaps testing the faith of His people, perhaps calling His people home because it is time.

We are not smart enough to know.  I can look at a culture dedicated to sexual vice and know God will call them to judgement.  I can look at authorities whom are ruthless or corrupt and know that God is going to call them to account for their deeds.  I do not know when, I do not know how, but anyone can read Jeremiah or Isaiah in the Bible and see that God has a standard and He was willing to use it even against His own people - to their own destruction!  How much more so for a just God, to do the same to  _____ (fill in the blank).

We are the creation, not the creator, we can not judge how He uses us, when he uses, where he will use us - we just have to be willing to be used, ready to be used and expect to be used.  The problems arise when we say, "Well, God would never work that way!"  Really?  Maybe you need to study your Bible a little more closely before you side with Western (American) Culture's beliefs about God.

The real God does not cause sin, that does not mean He can not use it to His advantage.  The real God does have control of everything and is more than willing to turn Satan loose upon a world unable to recognize much less fight against it without the Holy Spirit's intervention.

Everyday, in the world around you, in your daily life, God is there, God is working.  Can you see Him?  Can you see His handiwork?  Can you show others?

But, if you are not a Christian, well, there is no requirement that God does anything in your life or around you, other than to continually offer you the chance to make your peace with Him - through you acceptance of His son's death as the payment for your doing things your way and not His.  And then you get to be held accountable for having followed teachers of the truth ...  (hint, we are surrounded by those quite willing to lie to us and mislead us!)

So where is God right now?  Calling the hurting, the desperate to look to Him and not theirselves for the answer to their problems.  Calling you to account - right now, right here ...

That does not mean you are saved from death or punishment, but it does mean there is a better way from what you knew on this Earth.

Pirate Radio

I noted last week that amongst my lost posts was the movie review for Pirate Radio, the short of it: skip this work of fiction - reality was far more exciting and a whole lot less Haute Culture-ish.  But, that is not what this post is about, even though it is entitled as such.

It was fall 1964, a lanky 5'6" German was removed from his life with his Danish great-uncle on a dairy to a small town on the French, Lux, Flemish borders.  My father had worked his way out of weapons design to implementation, hence our relocation.  For me it was death.  I was 10, on the eve of my teen years, many would say I had already been there for months, if not a year.  I did not speak French, I spoke Yiddish, German and English.  I had nothing in common with anyone in my new village.  Most were laborers for the national train network; anyone with an artist bent or dairy background was not going to fit in - and my parents could not understand my "problems".

My first job was to crawl into the third floor rafters of our 1700's home and string 1.5 miles of copper wire (liberated from the the local NATO base trash) then attach this to my radio.  It kept me from my family, it hid me, it gave me safety in the darkness of the roof.  No fights up there, but once back out, everyone was in my face, no one understood.

But on my shortwave radio, there were those whom did, the disc jockeys of 199, on the medium wave band.  Faceless, but they understood teenagers, they understood music, they understood who and where I was.  They became my family, since I had been forcibly removed my mine to even be here.  They gave comfort, they gave advice, they were transparent adults - talking about life, love and the universe.  It made sense.  It was all I had.

Radio Caroline was a fishing trawler anchored off the Manx coast.  Outfitted with a127' antenna array, it primarily broadcast to southern England but by spill over, those of us with a good radio and antenna matrix, could get it as well.  I listened to them loyally from start up through the wave-length wars with the British Government, numerous winter storms, their relocation to off the Dutch coast and initial shutdown by Dutch bankers for non-payment for their equipment.  Unfortunately, their restart would come after I was now relocated to utter death as a human in the swamps of South Carolina in 1969.  But my shortwave continued to keep me occupied.  And, Caroline was never the same.

As I watched the film last week, I saw that the movie had nothing to offer me - I had lived that history, I knew it by heart.  I had loved Radio Caroline, I knew their ship names, the DJ's, their history, every one of the jingles - including those they did not include in the movie.  Things which I can never lose as long as my brain still functions.  So, the film goes away, the memories stay...

And as I remembered those years, I continued even further back in my mind and considered my nature.  Was I ever normal?  Had I been broken by something but once was normal?  Was I healing now or was this truly a gift of God?  Could I remember, now as an adult, and review my early years?  And the answer surprised me.

Sex Slave Trade

It was August 1974.  I took a trip to visit my father in Colorado and spend some time with my two sisters and two brothers.  The youngest brother was off in Texas on a trip, the oldest of my sisters was up in Wyoming, the youngest sister was nowhere to be found and that left the oldest brother to hang with.

So I asked where Carmen was, the youngest of the sisters.  He old me that she had gone to Wichita for a school pre-season football game.  She was a cheerleader, so yeah, that made sense.  Of course, then the tale continued on about how she had been kidnapped.  I was horrified and more than willing to hunt them down and quietly bring her home and bury "them".

But, for as much as I loved my brother, he was a doper, so I had to check this with my stepmother.  Yeah, the story was true and she could not have cared less ...

I was 19 then, Carmen was 15, what on earth could anyone want with a teenage girl?!?!?  Too weird.  Of course a few years later, God woke me up to the whole white slave trade in young blond girls being trafficked to the Middle East.

In 1981, I was in Tempe, Arizona, where I ran a mining company out of and as I walked across a parking lot I saw a Polaroid picture laying on the ground.  I picked it up - it was of a blond woman, bound, gagged and laying the back of a windowless grey van.  The same van description given about the vehicle which had grabbed my sister 7 years earlier!  I was stunned.

Yeah, I called the cops and they explained to me about the slave trafficking in blond girls.  I was now ill, for now I understood what had become of my sister.  Make no mistake, if I knew where she was or whom was responsible - they would have been dead that week.  I was beyond murderous rage.  I even called back to Wichita and talked with the cops about anything being done to find my sister: nope, but there had been 11 more abductions with the same vehicle being described!  They would not let me have a  list of grey vans in a three state area ...

As for the photo I had found, she had been grabbed in San Diego the day before.  Probably headed for Florida, the cop commented.

Sunday, thirty-two years later, I popped into a meeting about something called Rapha House.  Sounded like another recovery center or something, there are lots of them around here, but I was willing to hear their sales pitch and see if there is something I can do to help them.

Turns out that they run sort of a half way house concept in Cambodia, Thailand and Haiti for girls freed from the sex trade.  Girls bought usually as pre-teens from their families and then, well YEAH!  Some can be kidnapped from their owners or enticed to seek shelter, some brought outright by the local police because even they can no longer offer safety to them.

There were only four guys at the meeting and she commented that this was an unusually high number  - so she spoke on how this sex slave trade culture can not be conquered until men's hearts can be turned to God.  She hammered guys pretty hard.  It made me smile.

I stayed after and talked with the director for at least half and hour.  A very genuine, concerned, woman with a heart for those trapped into the hopelessness of the sex trade.

She sort of agreed with me that there was no hope in ever recovering my sister, 39 years have passed since her abduction.  She would be 54 now and in a decade of searching the internet there is no one by that name that could even reasonably resemble her.  But, I am the optimist so I do hope to find her, rescue her if needed and let her know about the God I discovered while I was away at college that previous year.

There is little I can do to help this Rapha House project, no money - the IRS is currently garnishing me (for the next three years!) and too far away for me to help volunteer with their data center in Missouri.  But, this much I can do:

You can check them out and see if there is a way you can fit them into your giving or your church's support list!

WWW.RAPHAHOUSE.ORG

Stephanie Freed
POB 1569
Joplin, MO
64802-1569

Thanks.


And yet again, dear readers, I need to remind you younger men that when you hop from one site to another, a list of your previous viewing sites goes with you and is passed by Google to the receiving site as part of the analytical data - just in case I need to know, for whatever reason, how to better draw you to my site!  And, again, there is a flood of porno sites coming with your data and being stored by Google!

However, there was one new twist this time, a site from a nearby town.  When I click on the reference I do not know it is a porno site, just a place someone has visited.  So, it is with dismay when I see one of my friend's daughters, er - ah - uhm - displayed.  We will be having some words concerning this and if you are local to me, and you know whom you are, she is under age this would qualify as child porn.  So, when the Fed's find out about this site and then dump the server using addresses - yours will come up - and thanks to you so will mine.  I am not worried because I do not surf porn - so my nic-id will be of no concern.  You apparently do, so  your nic-id will be splattered all over the place.  Want arrested?  Keep surfing child porn!

However, you do need to address this sin area in your life.  I assume you know me locally, hence your reading my site.  However, you need to free  yourself of this slavery and the damage done to these young women/girls.  Corner me, talk to me, one on one - let us conquer this problem in your life now - before it becomes death to your soul...  I am very serious here about my being concerned about your eternity dude ...

How To Alienate People

Over the weekend, I had a family event to attend and you just simply have to enjoy a good train wreck when they occur.  Unflrtunately, this was pseudo-family, indeed - people I pray for often, people I care about.  And to see the wreck coming, to not be able to stop it, to see the damage and to know their pain.  Not good - the real reason I had to get away from the party ...

Oldest daughter planned an event, a get together of her friends, her family, what of her husband's family had come in from Alaska, New York and other various travels.  So, a great many tired, prickly adults and a whole lot of children.

So, I am talking with my son-in-law's oldest sister, just in from a moose hunt in Alaska, skunked but hey, just the hunt is worth it!  We had a good talk.  From what I know of her, she is a bit of a snob, rich, nothing is too good for her children, she lives in the right place, drives the right car, wears the right clothing, sends her two girls to the right private schools.  She has it all and yet even she knows that she really has nothing - but no idea as to why that is true.  It was plain she is uncomfortable being around her family, whom she shares no common theme with - and it stings her. 

Enter her mother, whom I know she loves but has no way to express it - they are such different people:

Mom: Is that a natural wave in your hair or did you curl it?

Daughter: Yes, natural ... ?

Mom: Interesting, I have the exact same wave in my hair ...

(Daughter gets a look of hope in her eyes and starts to smile)

... when it is wet from the shower and before I make my hair presentable for the day.

(Daughter now has a look of horror at what she just heard!)

... So at least you have something in common with me.  I am glad that is the only thing we share.

(Daughter runs away in tears.)

Mom: Now, what on earth got into her ...?

I was so tempted to tell her that she just completely and totally dished her daughter - again!, whom wants so desperately to know you, and you just told her that she is not good enough!

Sigh.....

Much of my son-in-law's family is this way.  Yeah, I may complain about my dysfunctional family, but his is pathologically far more so!  Except, in his family, I would be willing to bet that there actually is some love in there for one another.

As for the sister she will now probably hide for the next six months or and then try again.  The mother will continue to be oblivious and find another opportunity to insult her daughter, just as she has been for the majority of her life.

For you, just an example of what James calls the most dangerous weapon in the world (chapter 3:5 others perhaps?).

Family Mattters

This weekend was might hard on me.  My daughter continues to vex me and Satan continues to use every opportunity to hammer me.  This time it was on FaceBook.

Apparently she decided to unblock me.  Yeah, back in August 2012 she completely cut me out of her life, unfriended me, blocked me, changed emails, changed IDs, etc.  Everything she could do to seperate herself from me.

Why even bother to mention this?  Well, I do not know what to do!  The father in me would run to her, or at least send a message and ask if this was an accident or a first step.  This Kris, the one she never knew, whom was born December 29, 2012 - and it was a painful birth!, is completely out of his element here.  I have no idea how to begin to address.

I thought to call her mom, but she changed her number and also unfriended me.  Yeah, it was a power struggle she won - she kept her daughter's affection at the cost of killing me.  So, if daughter took this step, without her mother's knowledge, there is no reason to get her deep with my sister I long to have as my friend again.

And, I promised not to stalk my daughter, and being a man of my word, I will not.  But, if she wants to be in contact, I wish she would.  If she thinks I hate her for what she did - I do not.  If she thinks I could no longer love her, she would be wrong, she is my daughter until the day I die.  She simply wastes my life, each day she has been gone.

Then again, I know my body is terribly weakened, Two hospitalizations, 164 heart attacks as of last April, one heart surgery that has not cured the problem.  No I know my days are numbered every time I stress about something, every time I am surprised, every time I see a spider ...  And I would have her back while I can still make a difference in her life and show her what she never understood.

Yeah, prayer is needed for her, for me, for her mother, for my niece - whom is what keeps me safe, sane and learning how to be human...

Passing On Forgiveness

So you have a heart attack, your heart is completely unstable, your body has been invaded by dozens of needles, you are stressed to the max - and then you get visitors.

Dutchman and I were talking.  I strapped to a table for now 40 hours at this point, he stressed over something he did not want to say but apparently felt compelled to.  It was about my father in law.  I mentioned his death last August.  Just let dead horses lay, really! And though I would not post this, I think I will because perhaps someone out there needs to understand forgiveness as well.

For those whom do not know, I had a civil marriage, which was to have been followed by a religious ceremony several months later.  Yeah, two kids knowing they should tie the knot but wanting to do it right and wait for the real ceremony to take place.  So, civil was in August, religious was to be on Valentines Day the following year. Only father in law found out, as he worked for the government, and exploded while I was in Mexico on a month long trip.  I came back in mid-September to address a problem in his church (at the youth's request) and swung by my best friend Don's apartment, used his hidden key to get in to drop my bags, and instead found my would be bride and him heavily engaged.

I quietly left.

Back home I found I had a letter from her dated a week after I had left for Mexico, telling me that her father had annulled the marriage so she saw no reason not to explore my list of friends she liked.....  Yeah, sure glad I found out before I got that letter!  Of course, her and I had a $220 phone call that afternoon!  I lost a great many friends that fall.  Even Dutchman, the only one to  apologize, fell to her seductive powers.  And as for me, my relationship with Udie had been completely above board.  Silly me, it seems!  But, I was not that kind of person in any event and I never would have thought it of any of my friends!

And here Dutchman, paced in my room, in ICU, as he worked his way through telling something he had never said before, from a conversation with my father in law many years earlier, part of the apology he never passed along.  Now at the time of my disaster with that family, their youngest daughter was head over heels for a guy named Kurt.  It really did not take discernment to know what a POC the guy was, but the family had known him most of his life, really loved him and his family - and I was the intruder.  Yeah, I was smart enough to never saying anything in front of them concerning this creature from the underworld.  But, said demon, understood extremely well that I knew whom and what he really was.  And years later, my in-laws were to discover exactly how miserable a creep he was as well.

And Dutchman was conflicted.  Make no mistake he loves his wife but he remembers too well his relationship with my wife.  It almost killed him to tell me of how the father in law had told him of his own distress at how wrong he and his wife had been about me and Kurt.  They had trusted Kurt, they did not trust me.  They saw no future in computers but Kurt wanted to be a dentist, so they could understand that he had his feet on the ground.  Yet, Kurt went on to poison their daughter, after two children, and live "the life" afterwards.  Yeah, he abandoned the children, my in-laws got to raise them.  Because there was no "proof", no charges were ever filed, but in their town, everyone knows he tried to kill his wife.  She continues to live as a vegetable, at least I think she is still alive.  And then in contrast, there was the German, whom did okay with his career in computers, adopted for four older Russian orphans, continued working with youth for forty years now, etc.  Though they could never accept the idea of "that woman" being in my life, aka Gaelic Girl.

My father in law was proud of me!  But he was conflicted and therefore concerned over his own Christianity.  If he had been so wrong about me, and then Kurt, what else was he wrong about?  Should he have institutionalized his wife, as he had considered early on in their marriage?  (It is a long, horrible story, but she murdered her brother in law, though could not be charged because there never was "proof" she had done it.  Though, she had confessed to me, many years later how she actually had!)  And Dutchman had never told me any of this.  Had he of, I would have flown to be with my father in law, to tell him it was all alright, to pray with him, to let him know I have always loved him!

And so Dutchman, embarrassed and hurting, continued to pace as he spilled his guts over Udie and the words of my father in law.  I think it hurt him to know that it was me and not him, the family finally understood their daughter was to have been with.  He was still hurting from her abandonment of him as she continued on her quest to "know" all of my friends.  Sigh.  He was wanting to know he was forgiven by me, because obviously, he can not forgive himself - even forty years later ...

Though my heart rate is now something like 180 and the alarms are sounding from the nurse's station, I almost had to laugh.  I forgave him even while he was still with my wife four decades earlier!  She was dead to me, the woman I had loved was obviously dead and did not exist any longer, I learned that during my very expensive long distance phone call!  Sure, there is a body with the name of Udie attached to it, but it is not the woman I knew.  And that is what really hurt, no one saw the woman I knew, no actually loved that woman I loved, no one understood her real death, she was just meat in a culture addicted to meat.  Her modelling career fell apart, her life withered and died, and one day in 1983 God told me she finally understood this all and to call for an ambulance in her town, she was committing suicide.  No, she still thinks it a miracle a paramedic kicked in her door, because no one possibly could have known.  She does not understand the power of the Holy Spirit.

And so my almost life long friend, came to his peace in this matter, at the cost of a few thousand heart beats of mine.  He came by last night to visit again, to comment that perhaps GG really does like me, though it would be a hard sell to prove.  But, I was still exhausted and he did not stay long.  So I am hoping he is at peace on this issue. He is my best friend these days, one of the few remaining from the old days.  I hope he has truly come to forgive himself.

So, this post is not so much about what happened to me but the need for those involved to forgive themselves.  A lesson Dutchman is just now learning, a lesson my father in law never understood, a lesson his entire family would do well to learn, actually one most humans should as well.


What was it I wrote to my daughter last fall, following her betrayal of me?
      "The quality of forgiveness, is the quantity by which you have been forgiven ..."

For some it is learning to forgive those whom harm you, for my daughter learning to forgive God for her life, for others learning to forgive themselves.

Forgiveness is needed in this world, Pass It On ...

Reality

Reality sucks.

Surprised that I might say something like that?  Yeah, well, then I wish you could walk with me and see what has been going on in my life and head this week.  I feel so sorry for my niece, she gets to bear the brunt of Kris' mental convolutions.  Even Dutchman, whom took me out for lunch had to sit back and just go, "Wow ......"  Yeah, my brain is on fire, searching, sifting, analyzing and reanalyzing everything as I redefine whom Kris is.  By the way, Dutch now thinks it is time to retire and wants me in his second house on his property outside of Priest River, Idaho.  But, my grand kids are here.  conversely, he does have places in Puerto Vaillarta.  Hmmmmm.

Just as serious as my redefining reality to myself, so is the entire topic of eternity, I have been rolling this around my head for a few days on another level of my brain.  Yeah, I usually have four or five things all running concurrently through the grey matter.  Usually things may rot in there for weeks before I come to a conclusion.

Do you take the topic of eternity seriously?

I do not think that most do, especially the "pseudo-christians" filling America's churches.  (pseudo is Greek for false-form, something that appears to be one thing but is actually something entirely different)  Generally, when I bring up this subject, I get feelings, impressions, whatever the latest pop-culture whim is!  Mighty flimsy foundation upon which to base your eternity on here!

Please read John 3:16, if you have not already memorized it.

Interestingly, when it comes to your eternal life, you will either be dead-wrong or dead-right.  You are going to die, it is almost guaranteed!  I do not think anyone can afford to actually be dead-wrong!  My father bet his eternity on my being wrong; I am satisfied I am not.

So, you die.  The exact moment comes for  you, God knew long ago when it was, and you either took advantage of one of your opportunities for salvation or you are not going to perish.  There is a bread truck or a train wreck with your name on it out there just waiting to occur!

Perishing is not ceasing to exist, it is still existing but now suffering the torments of Hell.  Hell was made for the rebellious angels and Satan, not you.  But, you get to earn eternal destruction just by not accepting Jesus as the payment for sin and what separates you from God.

Vine's Bible Dictionary, defines this as:
"the idea is not extinction but ruin, loss, not of being, but the loss of well being."

God will judge us for our sins, our deeds and willingly sentence us to Hell, but only as a last resort - only over His son's dead body!

John 17:3, 3:36, 5:24 and 1 John 5:11

When does eternity begin?  It begins here and now, where you are, what you are facing, what you are doing.

The world and even our churches are filled with walking dead people!  They are spiritually dead, they are looking for someone to notice, for someone to show them the way.  And they are probably clueless that this is true of them.  It is always someone in Borneo, not right here in my church, neighborhood, restaurant, etc.

When Heaven is mentioned in the Bible, it speaks in terms of things we are familiar with here on Earth.  However, you must remember and realize that Heaven is a gated community.  Not everyone is welcome nor will be admitted.

It boils down to either you are responsible for yourself when you stand before God, or Jesus is.  Unlike my father, make the wise decision and err on the side of God taking responsibility for you.

Fully Aware

God had warned me what last week was going to be like, so I pre-wrote the posts for the entire week.  I knew I would be unable gather my thoughts.  I had a pretty good idea what was coming and prepared to be betrayed - there was just no way I could have suspected how it was to play out and that poor battered single emotion took the hit like a bullet to the brain.  Oh God last week was bad.  And I so need my friend but alas that was not to be possible.

So pastor, bless his dear heart, decided to tell Gaelic Girl the substance of my 5th pastoral review.  Thank you for the integrity you have shown there guy!  No he still does not believe the tale but he thought it important she know what the gossip was.  As I have commented before, man's logic - not God's wisdom again played out by him.  Interestingly, his story ended far different than reality was.  So different that I had to wonder if he had become confused or if the head of the elder board decided to ad lib my rebuke for insisting on continuing to pray for my estranged daughter.  Very interesting and honestly, I don't care anymore.

Given ammunition, GG was all over me for 3 days straight, when she was home.  It was ugly, uglier than anything I have ever experienced in my life and God would not allow my walls up.  Apparently, Kris had to learn about emotional pain.

Her complaints are like shaving cream, but I was right, this all dated back to the fall of 2009 and winter of 2010, when Lucinda was staying with me.  She was angered that I would allow Lucinda to help clean in the kitchen, prepare meals, etc.  To me it was not like anyone else was going to help!  And help is always appreciated.  But, GG can not understand that.  New Daughter doing much the same in the winter of 2012 was the end of all to GG.  The final betrayal.  The end of trust.

My fault was not understanding and already knowing she was leaving our life of ministry we had shared for 35 years.  And so on February 24th I can mark the notch of the end of the longest friendship in my life.  It is with great remorse for I had hoped that she would return to whom she was, but that is not reality it seems.  I also got uninvited to her next therapy session today.  To bad, I could given that lady an earful!

And so, I was forced to implement what I had promised my new friend I would do, I just did not understand how soon it would be!  I expected months, I got one week.  So, left footed, I have begun the transition to a new path, as the old one grows narrow and comes to an end.  And that new path - I really know nothing of.  Starting afresh is so very, very odd.

I no longer know if my daughter's return is on this path, that trip to the southern hemisphere I actually relish, or ?????  I know nothing at this point other than I am going to need time to heal. 

Your prayers are sought.

Where Are You Going?

Well if you are a Christian, I know where you are heading to - in the end anyway!

John 14:1-3

In my father's house - guess what - we are all family!
Your room is apparently already awaiting your arrival.
In life you can be anxious, troubled, afraid of the future and where you are going.
But, once at our ultimate destination, our home with God, you can not be turned away, if you are in Christ!

Heaven is about family.
It is after-all the family of God whom is destined to be there.
Unlike the English translations concerning our home in heaven, we are not destined to receive a mansion, it is a room, attached to the house, the master - God - dwells in.
We will be with Jesus, living in close proximity.
Growing up with almost no family, this is going to be a bit of change for me and I imagine to many others as well.

Refocus!
How we face hard times, should reflect the changes within us, since you have come to salvation.
You have a future, it is secure, we can relax and not fret about tomorrow.  You do win, in the end.
When the culture turns against you, when times are tough, just keep believing.

We were made for somewhere else, our life is meant to find completeness in God, through Jesus, and with Jesus in Heaven.


Just a little different from the message of this age and culture, eh?

Frustration

One of my frustrations has been that the gossip, started back in August by my daughter, just will not die.  It seems to have pretty well blanketed the area.  As gossip goes, it has grown and gotten uglier - taking in interesting twist in which my daughter is now the perpetrator and I am the victim.  Yes, it is still ugly, make no mistake but it is frustrating having to constantly address this problem with semi-acquaintances about every two or three days!

Within what had been our church, I am stuck in a frustrating position.  I have no one I can really talk to about the problems without breaking my oaths to my daughter or having her status questioned by the hierarchy.  I fully intend upon having her restored within this body and my family - so there will be no hint of anything negative from me.  What she did to herself, there is little I can do about that - except refuse to denigrate my daughter.  I make no bones in front of anyone, she is my daughter and she will remain so.  I am sure I am thought of as quite mad.

But, this has placed me in the awkward position of not being able to really talk to anyone, because I can not trust that what I might say - would not be splattered across the church as soon as I am in my car.  So, I had to do something to express myself and get my blood pressure within reason or I was going to explode!

Well, if my Lettere's helped with my blood pressure quite a bit, trust me - an unknown, completely unfindable blog, where I can say what I want, when I want, how I want ..... well it has brought me much pleasure and some peace as well.

Okay, so you start an unlinked blog.  Totally fake name, totally fake everything.  What are the odds that you will be read at all?  Mighty small I say.

Oh yeah?  Try 40 readers and 25 comments within the first hour!  When I saw that, I had to go back and kill the comments!  I had people asking which sex I was, where I lived and if I was available!  OMG!  I somehow hit a nerve out there!  But, I will not answer - I am keeping this one completely hidden.  Besides, in my culture, were I to actually speak my mind - or - my heart, it would be dishonorable for anyone to be able to identify me and eventually find whom and what I am speaking about!

Therapy through blogging I guess.

Oh yeah, one day I will let daughter have the keys to the blogs, so she can delete, keep, print or whatever them.....  They are a piece of me that I can give her, now that she is so far away.

Senior Moment

I had one of those senior moments yesterday, you know, you forget something you are supposed to know! ARGH! I hate it when it is just there. on the tip of the brain stem, and nothing.....!

Yes, I forgot the address for my blog. But, it was also a God moment, as you will shortly see.

So, I googled my address and got one hit, I did not even look, I just clicked. And up came the page for a woman in the mid-west, someone whom is an award winning photographer and writer. So, I was suddenly sidetracked - this is going to be good I thought!

But, as I looked through her photos, they were "off", something not right about them. Some nudity, nothing tastless, but it was worse "off" than the rest of the photos. They would be called artistic. They let me unsettled, no not because I am a guy, but because God was trying to tell me something and I was not seeing what He was seeing. So, I roamed through the various paths eventually ending up at a very hard to find yet painful biography.

In her words she told of how she had been raped by her uncle at 11 and the disasters which had followed in her life. Suddenly, I was seeing her as I had my daughter and I understood, the perspective all too well. I understood her damage, I understood why she had become whom she had become, I understood her photographs of the brokenness of femininity.....

And I thought to send her an email, but then stopped. No, God has not programmed me to reached out to more than just my daughter, at least at this time. Yeah, I may understand that woman's brokenness but I do not have the "answer" for her, I only know the answer for my daughter. This suffering woman I can not be a part of her fix.

So, I told my "niece" about this and my desire - yet my own frustration. I must wait, to heal the one I am supposed to, the rest are on God's list.....

And that really frustrates me.

The Amazing Spiderman

Well, something on my to blog to do list is this movie and still left undone.

Through whatever means we ended up at this movie when we had set out to see the new Batman. No idea how this came about but we voted and watched it anyways.

Short of it - good movie, might even make me a Spiderman fan, though I do hate spiders tremendously. The Toby McGuire replacement is good but not the actor Toby was. The luscious Emma Stone has been been an eye catcher for life. Well done film.

Bad of it was not the films problem, it was mine.

During the under the bridge chase scene my caged emotion went off. Something was happening in daughter's life of significance enough that immediate prayer was required. I had to leave the movie and pray until God let me know it was okay. Don't ask me, no one tells me anything!

Stress

I was joking with myself. I have no one else to joke with anymore. Such is the cost of this year.

So I was thinking, I could write a book! But about what? Well, being a father to an adult would be a good start. Now how about a title? "Do Sociopaths Cry Tears?" Yeah, pretty pathetic, but it did make me snicker for a moment.

Stress is odd. I used to thrive on stress. Professionally, it drove me to ultimate creativity. It probably may also have caused me to run right over people and never notice. Even without it I may have never noticed.

My doctor used to try and get me to drive down my stress, to get my blood pressure down. I don't think there was an actual correlation, I think the blood pressure is physiological, not psychological, at least for me. Then my stress also became psychological and I had a heart attack. Although minor, it was enough to now change my life in oh so many ways.

Beloved items such as salt and caffeine must now become a relic of a distant past in my life. American grease, as I call Taco Bell, must go away as well - even though I have no cholesterol to speak of, no sense in giving the body new ways of killing me.

And I have got to get serious about getting back into shape. I actually started a diet when daughter left, her goal was I would be down by 6 pounds when she returned. Well, I am holding at the 8 lost during that expected time frame. May as well continue and see if I can get myself back down to my semi-pro biking weight of 170. I might even win some races now that I am 20 years older than my last ride.....

And I have to get as stress free as possible, for the heart's sake if for no other. Not an easy task when your life has become a train wreak, you are mourning the loss of a loved one, and you are in college.

Yeah much to pray for and over, if you feel so led.

Painful Weekend

It is turning out harder for me to part with my coin collection than I imagined it would be.  Sorting, resorting, knowing that almost all of it must go and yet knowing that it is not in  my heart to do so - especially given the situation.

Gaelic Girl has definitely popped a fuse somewhere.  I spent two weeks finding her a female Christian counselor, willing to work with a menopausal woman (it is harder than you think to find one!) and near her place of employment so easy to reach on days she wants to ride her bicycle.  I congratulate my stick-to-it-ness in solving that riddle!

The problem?  She is pissed off I did this without telling her what I was doing, because she has no intention of seeking counseling.  Sheeish.  Even though I was able to prove to her that she is delusional and had her visit the counselor's website - nope, not going to change her mind!  OMG! 

I attempted to address the entire father's day conversion where she told me to get out of her house, but she simply denied it.  Then yesterday agreed she had said it and still wanted me out of her house.  Go figure.  I told her to get counseling and we will discuss my leaving my children and her home.....

So it is hard to sell my coins.  I know she will not get the help she needs unless she does something stupid and her company puts into it, or she is arrested and forced into it, etc.  So, I am using the moneys to fix up Timothy's car for his honeymoon, when he flies out here next Saturday.  I need to replace three seat belts, the brakes, four tires and fluid changes.  Such fun!

But, I am hurting and when I hurt I eat, but I must not eat, I need to lose a tad more to fit my suit for the wedding next week.  Yeah, black suit, 100+ degree weather - my suit pants will probably fall off half way through the wedding due to water loss!  LOL.

So, none of the kids are talking to me anymore - unless they want something, GG is out of the picture, all of my friends except for one distancing me, and that one is mighty busy it seems.  So an army of one, relying on prayer to pull me through and somehow keep my sanity.  I am admittedly, at the end of ability to cope.

In the meantime, I exist in pain, without relief, without anyone to even talk to.  Thank God I am a sociopath or I would probably go out of mind, instead of continuing to work on my coins, eating Nilla Vanillas and wondering how could my entire surroundings have been so overcome by evil.....

When At The Cross Roads

John 9:35 - 41 and Mark 8:34 - 37

As I continue to think on the blind man whom Jesus healed, pain and suffering in general, a friend's injuries, my condition in particular.....

I try and do the right thing, for instance - in all meetings with youth I have never done so alone.  I always have a mature female Christian with me at all times.  At first that was easy as Gaelic Girl has for years worked with me.  If not her, then my lawyer's wife back home in Basle Stadt.  But, all of that was to change.  I am blessed to have a very down to earth lady from Montana now to help.  Unfortunately, she was badly injured a few weeks ago.  Tripping over a newly adopted cat one night, the fall broke numerous small bones in her left hand.

So this morning we talked with our class about healing and how much she has prayed for healing in the emergency room, and with each hospital visit, for relief daily from the crippling pain.  How much longer I have prayed for relief from the disaster cancer surgery wrought upon my body.  Yet, there is not a day that goes by I do not praise God for the ability to still walk.  How easy it would have been for Him to heal me and not have to have my spine sawn open.  How much easier for Him to heal those small bones in my helper's hand.  Yet, God chose the hard path for both of us - for very obvious reasons - suffering brings forth  faith, suffering brings awareness of other's pain, suffering challenges us to be overcomers.  And, like me, my helper praises God because she knows this is within His will.  And tough enough to endure.....

Our healing is guaranteed, the only question is as to when.  For the blind man it was that day in Jerusalem - as a witness to those on the street, to him and his family, to disbelieving Rabbis, the Pharisees and the faithful gathered at the temple that very special day.

For most of us, Heaven is the ultimate healing location and solution to our suffering (Hebrews 11:35).  Not everyone lives happily ever after, at least until Heaven, for most of us.....  Until then, we are to be faithful, even in our pain and suffering - just like the believers of old!  Unlike the disbelieving world, we have HOPE until the day that suffering will indeed end.  (Philippians 3:10-11)

Peace, pleasure and healing are all in Heaven, not to be found here.  Staying alive does not compare to a day in the service of Jesus.  (Matthew 10:39)  So many seek the bizarre to find healing, to end pain, to stretch those days out on this earth out.  As Mark 8:36 - 37 tells us, you can pursue all the things of this earth and lose your soul; to what end .....?

It is easy to imagine the blind man would have given anything for his sight, especially in a society in which he was condemned by all for his birth condition!  And yet, from the unexpected came his healing at the hands of Jesus.  Hmmmmm.

I love this part: the man asked whom it was, whom gave him his sight and Jesus answered that he had already seen whom.  And, the man immediately began worshiping Jesus!  That whole argument that Jesus was not worshiped in his lifetime - just ended there. 

For us today, our salvation has been bought through Jesus' execution and resurrection.  All any of us have to do is just to receive that blessing Jesus' left for us.  No, you may well not receive healing in this life, but you will be given what you need to overcome.....

So, when you reach that crossroad in life, much the same as presented itself to the blind man, be sure you pick the road leading the way to the CROSS.

Why, God?

In John 9:1-3, we have a normal - natural question asked of Jesus.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why did 'xyz' happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?

Such as good verse for this day, as you read this I will either be in or being prepped for another cancer screening.  I may never fully figure out why I have to go through this, but I'm called in faith to live life's experiences out to its ultimate conclusion......

Refuse to draw straight lines!
In this verse, why is this man suffering?  The man probably had heightened hearing due to his blindness, so he heard the question - as well as the answer!  It is a standard question, something many of us might have asked or wondered.  Of course, the answer has to be sin but whose sin was it which brought this blindness upon this man?  Jesus answered it was no ones sin!  It is for God's Glory, at that moment alone!

Think of Luke 13, where twice we are told that SIN does not equal  SUFFERING !

Resist the temptation to tell others why you think they are suffering!
Remember that SIN does not equal SUFFERING.
Remember that PERFORMANCE does not equal SUFFERING.
We all deserve punishment!  Because of our Greek philosophical upbringing in our western culture, we want to see cause and effect.  But we are not smart enough to be right about how God works!
(However, if you believe that you possess the gift of discernment, then you already know that any knowledge God gives you is for the uplifting of the suffering person - not their condemnation nor to make you feel superior.....)

Realize that the causes of suffering are countless!
Personal choices can bring suffering but Jesus tells us we are not always right as to how or why there is suffering.
Numbers 12:1-16, suffering caused by sin
Jonah 1, suffering caused by another's sin
Job 1, suffering caused by Satan
II Corinthians 12, suffering caused to humble
Genesis 45-50, suffering causes growth for future service

Respond to suffering with spiritual discernment.
Be faithful, seek God.  It is about eternity.
Never stop seeking answers.
Learn your lessons.
Accept transformation.