As I mentioned yesterday, I decided to take a hard look back through my mind, using an adults eye to view those memories and see if I could figure out whether I was ever normal or not. Yeah, I found the answer.
It is hard to view beyond third grade. Second grade was when I and several others were "broken" but no one believed us until the casualties numbered quite high. Probably the only thing saving me was my complete ability to just tune out from what was going on around me or to me. So, looking at first grade backwards, lots of events, no emotions concerning any of them - except for moments of immense anger and frustration at the treatment I received in my family.
The US military's interest in me began when I was in fourth grade. So, perhaps when they figured out how broken father was? Then decided to subject my sister and I to lots of testing? I know that my sister did not have any testing after 8th grade, so I am just guessing they figured out she was either normal or just an irritating teenaged girl...
When we moved to France, I thought myself quite crazy. Normal things could no longer be expressed normally and I knew things, for no reason at all.
For instance, I had a globe; I would spin it and then think about the country it would stop at. India was a problem, anytime the globe stopped there, and it did quite often, I could not say India in any language, instead the over-riding thought of "Map, Outreach Map, India" would roar through my mind. What on Earth!?!? And this continued until 1994, when I met an interesting guy whom wanted to run an orphanage in Northern India. He had a mission called, "Outreach Map". My eyebrows raised quite a bit, the answer to a thirty year old question?
Not being superstitious, but I did start a campaign to raise funds for what became Haven of Hope Orphanage. And, I have continued to support them, even in my poverty through the past three years. (Just in case you are interested in helping them as well: Outreach Map - India, POB 1801, Walnut, California, 91788-1801) And Paul Wiig, the man I had met, continued on as an acquaintance for now just shy of twenty years!
Hmmm....
The other strong impressions were certain dreams. They all had images I remember but the over-riding aspect is one of emotion! Yeah, I whom had no emotion at all, felt something in dreams! And I liked dreams for that very reason. Peace, something I desired so desperately and love, something I knew nothing of what so ever. The images? Sunshine by the beach or snow flakes falling past a female face in the woods. But no way of tying these emotions and images together much less knowing what they meant.
And, there was a point, a day to be exact that came together at the beach. I knew the day, the moment, the events, I knew what I was going to feel! And I was terrified. Shortly thereafter, that bud of an emotion was destroyed and I knew I was better off without it. There is only betrayal and pain in emotion.
No the snow image has not occurred, yet. I know it so well - more emotion and peace than I have ever experienced in this past year. So, I know where I belong, I know what it feels like to trust without fear, to love without betrayal, to finally belong somewhere. And I am am not there yet ... sigh ...
So, the short answer is: no, I was never normal but in my dreams I was ...
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Emotional Survey
Pretty much all you have read for the past six days was written last Monday, I had been foretold to expect change and so I did all of my little tasks and waited.
No one of us could have guessed that Edvard would be taken home that very afternoon, a week later I still sit here stunned. It is a mute point to use platitudes such as he is in a better place - yes, he is. But.....
So, Monday - Aunt Elly has a major stroke
an hour later Ed drops dead.
I actually have no emotional response to either incident.
Tuesday - a woman drop dead right in front of me on my walk, she was gone before she hit the ground.
again, no emotional response.
Wednesday - I posted my good bye to Gaelic Girl, and mourned the death within me.
Thursday - my friend was having problems.
Friday - Edvard's funeral, a hard time for the little family remaining.
Saturday - Swedish Rocket Scientist called me first thing to give me a piece of his mind concerning GG's departure.
I know he is suffering his brother's loss and lashing out at those closest. His words still stung.
I also know of his multi-decade attraction to her. (darn discernment!)
Sunday - God gave me an idea of how to help my friend, you will get to see it tomorrow on this same Bat Channel.
Monday - my first nightmare ever.
I set aside some time to help my friend and commit to do so long term.
Across seven days, I have encountered these emotions for the first time:
I was a genetic sociopath, given a emotion last May, which it took me three weeks to lock away. It re-appeared in December, this time as a mature calming influence and I have operated with both natures since then, up until Wednesday, when emotional me had to be in control as GG left my life. Bullet to the brain I tell you. And if my very nature has been changed, then does that mean my genetics have as well? We will know in two weeks, when a test i had done at the hospital today shows yeah or nay on that one. I stand ready to be amazed....
So, change continues to be in the air and honestly I have no clue where anything ends up anymore. Oh yeah, God is still talking to me and telling me what to do, and I obey, but I am now satisfied to not need explanations from Him any-longer. And so, I wondered, does this new nature still have the gifts, God has given me? In the past it was thought this was to protect me. So? And yes, they are still there, quietly guiding, quietly supporting, through a work of much delicacy I am performing. Will they now continue to guide and protect? I am interested to see and to know.
To my long term readers, welcome to my new world, where nothing is as it seems ..... and faith is the only stepping stone forward. I really wish I could see 1, 2 and 3 years ahead, it would make all so much easier for me to know how to turn, how to lead, how to follow, what to do with absolute authority.
Welcome to humanity Kris, you seem to have arrived.....
Yeah, anxiety mixed with just a touch of fear.
No one of us could have guessed that Edvard would be taken home that very afternoon, a week later I still sit here stunned. It is a mute point to use platitudes such as he is in a better place - yes, he is. But.....
So, Monday - Aunt Elly has a major stroke
an hour later Ed drops dead.
I actually have no emotional response to either incident.
Tuesday - a woman drop dead right in front of me on my walk, she was gone before she hit the ground.
again, no emotional response.
Wednesday - I posted my good bye to Gaelic Girl, and mourned the death within me.
Thursday - my friend was having problems.
Friday - Edvard's funeral, a hard time for the little family remaining.
Saturday - Swedish Rocket Scientist called me first thing to give me a piece of his mind concerning GG's departure.
I know he is suffering his brother's loss and lashing out at those closest. His words still stung.
I also know of his multi-decade attraction to her. (darn discernment!)
Sunday - God gave me an idea of how to help my friend, you will get to see it tomorrow on this same Bat Channel.
Monday - my first nightmare ever.
I set aside some time to help my friend and commit to do so long term.
Across seven days, I have encountered these emotions for the first time:
- Anger
- Compassion
- Fear
- Joy
- Loss
- Need
- Pain
- Remorse
- Resentment
I was a genetic sociopath, given a emotion last May, which it took me three weeks to lock away. It re-appeared in December, this time as a mature calming influence and I have operated with both natures since then, up until Wednesday, when emotional me had to be in control as GG left my life. Bullet to the brain I tell you. And if my very nature has been changed, then does that mean my genetics have as well? We will know in two weeks, when a test i had done at the hospital today shows yeah or nay on that one. I stand ready to be amazed....
So, change continues to be in the air and honestly I have no clue where anything ends up anymore. Oh yeah, God is still talking to me and telling me what to do, and I obey, but I am now satisfied to not need explanations from Him any-longer. And so, I wondered, does this new nature still have the gifts, God has given me? In the past it was thought this was to protect me. So? And yes, they are still there, quietly guiding, quietly supporting, through a work of much delicacy I am performing. Will they now continue to guide and protect? I am interested to see and to know.
To my long term readers, welcome to my new world, where nothing is as it seems ..... and faith is the only stepping stone forward. I really wish I could see 1, 2 and 3 years ahead, it would make all so much easier for me to know how to turn, how to lead, how to follow, what to do with absolute authority.
Welcome to humanity Kris, you seem to have arrived.....
Yeah, anxiety mixed with just a touch of fear.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Peace
Back in August, when I was writing a short series on superstitions, I included Peace amongst the superstitions within the Christian Church today. After-all, we are told we are to have Peace, we are told that we are given Peace, therefore, if we are living and walking our Christian faith, we will have Peace. Right?
Well, and that statement is part of the problem. You take a handful of verses out of context and you can teach quite a nice series on Peace and how if you really were a Christian you would have it. Well, hey, I'm a Christian, so I want it - in fact I know that I am owed it! right? American Theology 101.....
A Christian teacher, I know of, just did such a series just like this! And I think the prompting for him to do it was my taking him on in private last summer - at how he was creating a superstition mentality - not building the Christian faith of his followers. Oh yeah, he fully believes himself Christian, his followers Christian and his teaching Christian (I am not addressing any of that here!). And I am happy for him, because he gets to defend his teaching to God in the not so distant future, and since I only told him what God told me (hence he is apparently not listening) and he obviously does not agree - given his public response to our private conversation (which caused some problems, but not for me)..... Well?
My attitude anymore: "so what?" I can only say what God tells me to say, if he has a problem, he should have taken it up with Him - not what he did do (attempt to turn others against me, nice betrayal dude). I did my part, then it was up to him - not me! I have no doubt, like so many under the American Church, he was of the "you have an ego problem" deal since I dared to speak for God to his face (which translates to your ego not mine!) - and he does not understand - I do not care. I do as I am told. Whether you are Billy Graham, Corrie Ten Boom, Hal Lindsey etc - it makes no difference; if God tells me something to tell you, I will. The fact He tells me, to tell anyone anything, worries me greatly. (And yes, each of those three I just named got to have a talk with me at least once! BG did make the change, CTB I have covered my talk with her before, and as for HL - well he went on as usual.)
Which brings me to the subject of real Peace ..... not what is taught today in the American Church .....
First off, yes, there is a thing called Peace. It is something you can have in your life, it is possible, but like many things - it has a time and a place in the Christian walk. Now in John 14:27, Jesus said, "I have come to give you Peace....". In fact, Jesus came to give us Love, Joy and Peace. And just as how we do not always have Love or Joy in our lives, we also can be without Peace for the very same reasons.
What Peace is not, is what the world offers and man sees: a plastic temporary form of peace in which we live without adversarial situations - where the world revolves around you and your desires. But because this is a peace based upon things, wants and desires - it is only temporary. Peace is not material nor mental happiness. Peace is not something, friends, fund, finances, etc. But, this is what many Christian leaders teach today, in one form or another!
Peace is possible, but first you have to reject what the world's definition is, as outlined above.
Peace is to be found in Someone, hint: that would be God, (Jesus as my American readers would prefer the reference). God is the only one whom can bring you Peace. We live our lives in a world which is alien to us - its storms rage around us, distracting us from our assignments, destroying those whom it can. God is greater than that storm and can mitigate it. Conversely, God is equally capable of allowing the storm to rage in all its fury around us and give us Peace in spite of it.
John 14:25-31 - the apostles panicked at the death of Jesus, not understanding that He was in control.
John 16:33 - Jesus is greater than the world and its problems.
God is greater than the storms we face.
God, built into you the desire for Peace, only He can give it to you. It can only be found in a spiritual fulfillment. If Peace is not found within you, then you never will experience true Peace.
Ultimately, you as the believer, must walk in victory - when all around you only see defeat and failure. Then you will know real Peace.
HOWEVER:
Ah! A retraction is coming! What does this mean?
Well, this is where the rubber meets the road in the Christian walk. You will never have Peace in your life if you are living sin, walking in sin, rolling around like a pig in the mud of sin! You will never know Peace if you are not a Christian, locked in Sexual Sin, if you take human life, if you are in Rebellion, if you taking Communion without respect to Jesus, if you already know what you must do - but have not done as told by the Spirit (walking in the flesh). Make no mistake, during these times, Satan and the World will offer you a great deal of temporary peace in order to separate you even further from God. Satan's goal remains to neutralize your testimony!
Equally, you can be the finest amongst Christians and experience no Peace, because as I have discovered this year:
You are dealing in Spiritual Warfare, if you have peace in this then you are in for a major surprise!
You have slammed into the concept of Tradition versus real Christianity.
You see all of your support failing within the Church, yet are not in sin.
You are the subject of scandal as Satan attempts to discredit you in the eyes of the Church.
Your friends and family abandon you because you have become a liability, rather than neutral to know.
Whoa! How did we get to talking about my life again! This was not what I was heading towards, but is all true. You can be completely in the right and scandal ridden, yet at Peace and with complete faith in God, because you did as told. No this does not really help you in short run, but at least you can have Peace about where you stand with God.....
Most importantly, dear reader, you will never know God's Peace until you repent. That lone sticking point true of many Christians as well as non-Christians.
Well, and that statement is part of the problem. You take a handful of verses out of context and you can teach quite a nice series on Peace and how if you really were a Christian you would have it. Well, hey, I'm a Christian, so I want it - in fact I know that I am owed it! right? American Theology 101.....
A Christian teacher, I know of, just did such a series just like this! And I think the prompting for him to do it was my taking him on in private last summer - at how he was creating a superstition mentality - not building the Christian faith of his followers. Oh yeah, he fully believes himself Christian, his followers Christian and his teaching Christian (I am not addressing any of that here!). And I am happy for him, because he gets to defend his teaching to God in the not so distant future, and since I only told him what God told me (hence he is apparently not listening) and he obviously does not agree - given his public response to our private conversation (which caused some problems, but not for me)..... Well?
My attitude anymore: "so what?" I can only say what God tells me to say, if he has a problem, he should have taken it up with Him - not what he did do (attempt to turn others against me, nice betrayal dude). I did my part, then it was up to him - not me! I have no doubt, like so many under the American Church, he was of the "you have an ego problem" deal since I dared to speak for God to his face (which translates to your ego not mine!) - and he does not understand - I do not care. I do as I am told. Whether you are Billy Graham, Corrie Ten Boom, Hal Lindsey etc - it makes no difference; if God tells me something to tell you, I will. The fact He tells me, to tell anyone anything, worries me greatly. (And yes, each of those three I just named got to have a talk with me at least once! BG did make the change, CTB I have covered my talk with her before, and as for HL - well he went on as usual.)
Which brings me to the subject of real Peace ..... not what is taught today in the American Church .....
First off, yes, there is a thing called Peace. It is something you can have in your life, it is possible, but like many things - it has a time and a place in the Christian walk. Now in John 14:27, Jesus said, "I have come to give you Peace....". In fact, Jesus came to give us Love, Joy and Peace. And just as how we do not always have Love or Joy in our lives, we also can be without Peace for the very same reasons.
What Peace is not, is what the world offers and man sees: a plastic temporary form of peace in which we live without adversarial situations - where the world revolves around you and your desires. But because this is a peace based upon things, wants and desires - it is only temporary. Peace is not material nor mental happiness. Peace is not something, friends, fund, finances, etc. But, this is what many Christian leaders teach today, in one form or another!
Peace is possible, but first you have to reject what the world's definition is, as outlined above.
Peace is to be found in Someone, hint: that would be God, (Jesus as my American readers would prefer the reference). God is the only one whom can bring you Peace. We live our lives in a world which is alien to us - its storms rage around us, distracting us from our assignments, destroying those whom it can. God is greater than that storm and can mitigate it. Conversely, God is equally capable of allowing the storm to rage in all its fury around us and give us Peace in spite of it.
John 14:25-31 - the apostles panicked at the death of Jesus, not understanding that He was in control.
John 16:33 - Jesus is greater than the world and its problems.
God is greater than the storms we face.
God, built into you the desire for Peace, only He can give it to you. It can only be found in a spiritual fulfillment. If Peace is not found within you, then you never will experience true Peace.
Ultimately, you as the believer, must walk in victory - when all around you only see defeat and failure. Then you will know real Peace.
HOWEVER:
Ah! A retraction is coming! What does this mean?
Well, this is where the rubber meets the road in the Christian walk. You will never have Peace in your life if you are living sin, walking in sin, rolling around like a pig in the mud of sin! You will never know Peace if you are not a Christian, locked in Sexual Sin, if you take human life, if you are in Rebellion, if you taking Communion without respect to Jesus, if you already know what you must do - but have not done as told by the Spirit (walking in the flesh). Make no mistake, during these times, Satan and the World will offer you a great deal of temporary peace in order to separate you even further from God. Satan's goal remains to neutralize your testimony!
Equally, you can be the finest amongst Christians and experience no Peace, because as I have discovered this year:
You are dealing in Spiritual Warfare, if you have peace in this then you are in for a major surprise!
You have slammed into the concept of Tradition versus real Christianity.
You see all of your support failing within the Church, yet are not in sin.
You are the subject of scandal as Satan attempts to discredit you in the eyes of the Church.
Your friends and family abandon you because you have become a liability, rather than neutral to know.
Whoa! How did we get to talking about my life again! This was not what I was heading towards, but is all true. You can be completely in the right and scandal ridden, yet at Peace and with complete faith in God, because you did as told. No this does not really help you in short run, but at least you can have Peace about where you stand with God.....
Most importantly, dear reader, you will never know God's Peace until you repent. That lone sticking point true of many Christians as well as non-Christians.
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