It Is Finished

I finished documenting all of the charges against me and my rebuttal for each, under my letters to my daughter. Yeah, I have a notebook full from the conversations in my review at church. When you are dealing with formal charges, on spiritual matters, preciseness is important, as is honesty. I even gave a freebee to daughter of what I was really guilty of. If the mud is going to be raked, I am honest enough to help with the raking. Full disclosure is just that - full.

And in that light, that is why I published them. Not to bring shame on what daughter has done, for she is hardly accountable for her actions at this time, nor on what I have been accused of, but to show through disclosure, God's ways and how I need you to pray for my daughter. With enough prayer, God will act, one way or another - to free her or to free me.....

Have a great holiday, one and all! I can hardly wait for tomorrow to post my music selection for the month!

Shame, Condemnation, Love

Yesterday's post meant a great deal to me. Until you have had to face a spiritual review, where you have to defend your walk, your faith, through the betrayal of someone you love - you may not understand fully.

Once it was over and God was seen as part of the process by all, I felt really good, this was the right thing - this was the right conclusion. That it was good that this had happened.

I am sure daughter believed she was going to destroy me in the church. No, not through her charges anyways. But, the gossip and slander she started may well. This is not a Godly church, gossip seems to run the place. However, I am innocent of what she thought would bring me down.

And as I wrote yesterday's post, it was driven home to me the distance between where I am today and the shame of my past. My friend's daughter being here has reminded me greatly of that past, the life I had lived with her father in tow and the life I live now. A vast gulf lay in-between. And more so, that if I walk in obedience to what I am commanded to do, then there will be no condemnation for me in Him.

I will be addressing each of her charges in my letters to her, because should she ever read my blogs again, she needs to know why and what she really did.

But, the conclusion was this: my daughter has obviously been taken and is under a very ungodly spirit. This is obvious to everyone and why I now have a mini-army in the church praying with me for God's over-riding conquest in freeing her - again. But, equally, it is thought that this incident was her plea for help. Something inside of her wants me dead for having freed her from her bondage, but equally, my daughter is calling out for help to free her and to know that I am still her father.

And further, what no one knows, is how she communicated to me her love, through what she did. Yeah, you can look at the hosing she is trying to give me and go, "She really hates you!" But, in reality, what she did was an expression of love - caused by Satan, for evil in my life, but ----- well ----- no, I will leave the expression of that love unsaid at this point, because she is under a foreign control at this time ..... just in case she should read this before her freedom is regained.

Oh, yeah, she will be my daughter until the day I die, even should I never hear from her again. She will be in my prayers and remain there (as God does tell me her prayer needs (and she really needs protection right now!), as with all of my other children. No not a satisfying thought. As a father I would prefer all of my children within reach and within communication. But, as with each of them, the last thing she ever heard from me was, "I love you." and may it always remain so.....

Forgiveness

Try and imagine the personal horror I was put through yesterday afternoon; my estranged daughter turned on me and in a stroke of what I am assuming was brilliance on Satan's part - went for the gold ring - to use her to terminate my ministry to youth. Who knows more about me than her? Whom would be listened to more than her? Whom could cause me the most damage than her?

Only Satan's intent went sideways because I serve a living God, not the God of this earth whom has turned my daughter against me. And his evil, her evil intent, went sideways and God was glorified.

And as I thought on this last night, this song came to mind. The Newsboys, not what exists today, are my favorite group. I knew each of them when their ministry was starting out and for their first few years. Doubt they remember me by name but so what. In 1992 they recorded this song and it is so appropriate to what just happened in my life!

So, for my daughter, Dear Shame by the Newsboys.....



We all live with our personal shames. I have a past that I am not proud of in the least. Yeah, it makes for funny stories during classes, but the tragedy of that past is the number of people I harmed physically for life. Then there was the one man whom trusted me and I betrayed that trust. No, I was not even remotely close to being a Christian; I hated God, I hated the stupid Christians, I was in agony on the inside. God won me in the end because I violated my own creed of honor - God's definition of sin was not what brought me to the cross - it was my own dishonor.

And God put that past behind me; I could now stand before Him and KNOW my shame was covered by His blood. Those I betrayed, I could never witness to - the betrayal that personal. Those I harmed physically, there was no way to restore what I had taken from them. Yeah, self defense is always a good excuse, and maybe they deserved what they got, but in God's economy - they needed His blood as badly as I did. My shame.....

You too can know forgiveness, you too can know the end to your shame, you too are loved dear daughter.

Satan Continues the Attack

So, it seems Satan is not done with me yet and continues his attack against me! Yeah, as if this is not already the worst year of my life, no he has now used my estranged daughter to attack from within my church.

The day after she had ducked having to talk with me four times, since our paths kept crossing, and the day before she left with her mother to return home - she filed formal charges against me with one of the pastors. Yeah. I only just heard about this, this morning and so get to meet with the pastor this afternoon to discuss whether or not I should continue to teach any of the Sunday Schools. Yeah.

Thirty-eight years ago I began teaching high schoolers, teaching is decidedly one of my gifts and because of estranged daughter - well yeah.....

So, already the worse year of my life, my estranged daughter whom I still love as such - and am not being freed of by God - has gone for the gold ring it seems. Her gossip and slander campaign began at the beginning of this month, resulting in a host of unfriendings and blockings on FaceBook by women in the church, people avoiding me at services, ETC!

Yeah, I know it is not personal, I know that it is really Satan using my daughter against me. He was able to turn that fresh Christian baby to do his bidding. You probably have no idea the sorrow this brings me. How can I free her when her mother is empowering her in this rebellion? My only weapon left is prayer and lots of it!

She desperately needs your intercessory prayers..... Yeah, she is my daughter.

So, meeting over. Net result is that daughter is in need of a tremendous amount of prayer. And I have more praying now than before for her.

That is how my God works.....

Emergency Prayer Request

One of the family friends, Tanya, I have mentioned before as she is one of my artist friends and sends me occasionally interesting tidbits for this blog. However, she is now in tremendous need of prayer!\

Her father died last week,quite suddenly, and so she traveled back to her village in the Caucasus Mountains for the funeral. She then returned to Rostov-na-Donu for her flight back home. At the airport, she was arrested as an illegal immigrant and refused exit from Russia.

Now, she is an American citizen and traveling under her American passport. She is being told that she has to apply for Russian citizenship before an exit visa will be allowed and to complicate matters, her American passport has been seized.

So she is sort of up a creek right now as she has no money, no papers, her family here has no access to any of her property, all of her citizenship materials are here, as are her finances. And, there is no American consulate staff in the south of Russia. So she is stuck. Of course, the longer this takes, more problems will arise for her such as loss of her job here and loss of her home.

We are praying for a miracle here in her life in order to get her home! Please join me in what might be quite a prayer battle to get her freed!

Why Bipolar Article?

When I stumbled upon the article on Bipolar Relationships, I thought it might be of value to my family.

All women in my family have inherited the gene, passed down from great-grandmother. They also get to either take medication or suffer the consequences of poor relationships with others. Everyone medicates except for my mother for whom, "nothing is wrong with". Yeah, strong willed and utterly blind that it is not everyone else whom has a problem.

My last daughter, and her mother, suffer from this as well. I also know that their knowledge is completely based upon their experience with the problem, rather than knowledge about the problem.

So, for all of those women in my life - this was for you, so you can understand how and why "normal" people react to you. Especially for my daughter, as this article I think explains what may have happened between us.....

Bipolar Relationships

By John McManamy

The amygdala is that part of the brain’s limbic system which activates fight-or-flight. The amygdala fires up in response to stress or perceived stress. When that happens, the thinking parts of the brain - the cortical areas - go off-line. This is a perfectly normal response to potential danger when we need to act quickly - essentially react - with no time to think.

Life is far more complicated in a bipolar brain. The amygdala may go off for no reason or may over-respond. Meanwhile, the cortical areas fail to reboot properly. The all-clear message gets lost. We freak out and lose it. Or we may become immobilized. In this state, we are totally irrational, beyond reason. There is no sense in trying to reason with us.

People with bipolar have very different ways of perceiving the world than the rest of the population. The only reason this is not considered normal is because we are not in the majority. The brain science strongly suggests that bipolars are adept at non-linear thinking, which would account for our high creativity. But our non-linear processors can also get us into trouble.

One example is that we may perceive danger well before a “normal” person perceives it. We see ourselves reacting normally to an abnormal situation. We cannot contemplate how the other party can possibly be so clueless and unfeeling. The other party, of course, sees it a lot differently. They see us as freaking out for no reason.

But then our nonlinear processors can reverse the situation. This time we see the solution to an intractable problem. We have the situation under control. Our non-linear partner is the one who is freaking out for no reason. They see us as being clueless and unfeeling.

In either situation - be it the bipolar individual acting out or the “normal” one - we need to suspend judgment. The other party is reacting to the world as he or she sees it. So are you. Same world, two entirely different views. Do not judge. Take stock, determine where each of you are coming from. Resolve to work your way to an understanding.

Part of living with bipolar involves our brains running away from us. Or it can work the other way around. Our brains shut down. Either way, we may spend the rest of our lives dealing with the consequences.

The brain science reveals that the prefrontal cortex acts as a modulator of our emotions. When we’re not thinking right, bad things happen. But there is this important twist: We also need our emotions to think. Any decision we make is based on whether it “feels right” or “feels wrong” to us. As counter-intuitive as it seems, the thinking parts of the brain can be tricked into making terrible choices.

Bipolar essentially turns up the heat: On one hand, our non-linear brains imbue us with the type of intuition that borders on psychic. On the other, we have a tendency to jump to ridiculous conclusions.

When do you go with your head? When do you go with your heart? How do you justify your decision to your partner? Our only guide is a lifetime of experience, which inevitably involves a history of wrong choices. Mistakes are inevitable, but they may also give us the wisdom to move forward. Says the Dalai Lama: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.”

This applies with equal force to both parties. The stress we put our partners through can be interpreted as a form of abuse. Likewise, so can the apparent indifference from our partners.
Each partner has the right to set their own boundaries, make their own rules, interpret abuse as they see fit. And ultimately each has the right to leave the relationship if their needs are not being met.

Each party also has the right to expect certain accommodations, even if they make no apparent sense to the other party. If a bipolar partner expresses the wish to leave a crowded room right now, this means right now, not five minutes from now. Conversely, the “normal” one who pulls their partner from the room right now, this very minute, has a very good reason for doing so.

Naturally, whether bipolar or “normal,” we do not wish to put our parties through unnecessary suffering. But we may find ourselves in situations where our partner can no longer put up with us. We may be “too bipolar.” They may be “too normal.”

Too often, things deteriorate beyond the point of reconciliation. The saddest - and wisest - choice we may make may involve acknowledging the inevitable.

The bipolar diagnosis should never be interpreted as a form of house arrest that cuts us off from humanity. Our illness imbues us with an insight and wisdom that tends to leave the rest of the world for dead. We think and feel deeper and wider. We light up those around us. We have empathy in abundance. It goes without saying that we are a gift to the right person.

Thus, it is not a question if whether or not we are right for our would-be partner. The real question is: Is our would-be partner right for us? Do they truly appreciate the qualities we bring to a relationship? Or does our passion and intensity and intelligence and humor baffle or even frighten them?

True, we do not want to inflict our “craziness” on an innocent bystander. But it also works the other way around - we do not necessarily want “normal” inflicted on us. Be selective. Then act. In the words of the Wise Man: “Hey, Jude, don’t be afraid. You were made to go out and get her ...”

Listen Up Guys!

Blogger has a little feature called Statistics. Its purpose is for the owner of the blog to know what it is that people are reading, how often, where are they located and then a little section called Links.

Now Links is what this post is all about. It tells me where you have come from and where referring links are located. So, what you say?

Well, a great many of my male readers come to my site, following their visits to PORNO sites on the internet. Yes, the pages you were on, before you hit your bookmark to come here, were actually then stored on my Links page. So, when I see what my readers are up to - well I find that my (probably) male readers are off in PORNO-land before coming here.

I only care from the stand point that yesterday 38 of you visited porn then came here.

Yes, the internet makes porn only a mouse click away. Porn is what will always separate you from finding happiness with a real woman. And because you males are visual, those images are burned into your memory because God made us visual creatures.

No, there is no magic eraser that God can use to remove what you willing allow into your minds. The internet is the opportunity, your mouse click the temptation, what you mind will do with the images will lead you into sin. Pure and simple. And once in, Satan will call back images at your most weakest moments, in order to lead you back into what he hopes will be your slavery to sin! Yeah, you get to suffer spiritually for a lifetime, of memories of sights you never should have had.

But, you can repent, you can ask God to bury those images in your mind, you can fight temptation, you may still fail - and then you get to start over at the beginning of this sentence - ad nauseum. But, know that with time it will become less frequent.

Okay, guys - be a man enough to just say no to porn. Do not allow it to be a part of your life. Realize that God created woman - a wife - for you to find and then experience pleasure with. Not imagines of damaged young women on the internet or in print to fill your fantasies. If you have ever known one of these young women, and I have - she was a friend in high school, whom went on to quite a lucrative career - until she woke up one day. But then she discovered too late the cost of the life she led, dying far too young last year. Why can I be strong in this one area? Because she was a friend I cared for, because I saw the cost on that young woman's life. She at first didn't care, she was damaged, but I did and eventually she did, and that lifestyle cost her, her life.

No, the porn industry feeds on the young girls damaged by events which should have never happened. It feeds the minds of males, images captured for eternity, ready to lead the curious male down a road they were never to travel either. Perhaps even damaging even more young women in the process. It causes the stain of Human Trafficking to exist and not be fought by our leaders, whom themselves are trapped by the same problems as you. The sex trade is slavery and just your visiting sites as you have will help to feed the industry more, damaging more young men, requiring more young women to be damaged in turn, so they can be used to entice more young men.....

It is an endless cycle and the only one whom can stop it - is you. Make the decision, walk away and do not look back.

Perhaps A Blessing?

Did God just dump a blessing on me? I really do not know, it is confusing, and yet .....

So I mentioned had an old friend come for a visit. Yes, he is a Christian and a survivor of my having searched to find God. He is the oldest friend I have whom has stayed in touch with me. And, at this exact moment in time he appears after years of silence? I found that to be more than coincidence.

But, the reason he was out here is that his oldest daughter has gotten a job and needed a place for her to stay until she finds her own place. And, there are no coincidences in life..... So, I wonder. Did God just drop her here as a sort of a blessing? Mind you, her personality is very much like daughter's, though any other similarity ends there. Could this of God? A way to help me through daughter's betrayal? Someone whom will pray with and for me, for the long haul? I sorely need someone on my side. I sorely need help in not having the "big one" and desperately need my blood pressure to come down significantly.

I really found myself wondering about this all day long. Because, the first thing she said, once her family had left for their drive back to Colorado, was if she could be a member of my family. Huh!?!?!? I lose a daughter and truly out of the blue another friend's daughter asks to be a part of my family? Too many coincidences here! It stresses me at how close she compares to my estranged daughter. When she talks, when she throws up her walls or drops them, the memories damage me further - and yet, she understands grief and is compassionate which helps to calm me back down. A decade older than daughter, she is her own master, and yet, there is a nature to her compassion - I can not quite grasp. Perhaps if I was really human, I could, but alas it may take much time to understand.

Time will tell but given there are no coincidences in life, why would she be here, in my house, at this specific moment in time? And, with this disaster I call my life? Very, interesting..... Because, I am leaning towards God has provided a blessing, after two months of being faithful to what He has told me. The heart attacks and stress daughter has caused have robbed me of my strength and resilience; I have been desperately in need of someone, anyone to help, but quite literally - all have turned their backs. Dutchman, the only one whom I could turn to, has been gone for most of the past two months - even his son has been staying here off and on because he is lonely with his father gone so much!

And that is almost as interesting to me. Even the Pastor, whom had been so supportive through the spiritual warfare and seeing the results of God's new creation, brushed me off with a "tough times bro" comment when I asked him for help last week. That is how abandoned I have been. God is surely trying me and my resolve to stand in the face of overwhelming odds, equally showing me that I have NO ONE I can rely on or apparently trust any more. That saddens me greatly.

And yet coincidence has provided support, literally out of nowhere.....

Pathways

When God showed me daughter's life, past - present - future, it was to snap her into reality and prepare her for what lay ahead. But, she rejected what she could not control and ran. I only told her of my interactions with her future but she could not understand. I could not tell her of the others and their involvement.

Actually, they do not really understand either, but they are obedient enough to follow God's leading, even when it leads them to as bizarre of places as my little town. And so we sat, I already knowing but no longer sure of anything to say anything, they not sure really what to say other than they knew they were led here - now what?

Indeed, now what? Daughter has fled, a child in belief, unprepared for what lay ahead if this is determinative for her. I am coming to believe that with or without her it is determinative for me - there is no future left for me, I was nuked so badly over the past almost year of following God call. So, I continue to sell my possessions, continue to try and get out of debt, continue to stay the course, continue to be the father of one whom is no longer in my life. I can pray at least.......

And what of the others? I do not know. One has now come, unsure, and I can say nothing because I do not even know any more myself. But, the training begins this fall and I am sure not looking forward to those sleepless nights as we prepare....

15 Ways

Yeah, Kris knows he is a mess. His body struggling to recover from the twin heart attacks, the blood pressure all over the place, The mind no longer numbed, can begin to deal with the betrayal of his daughter and her rather personal attacks. And yes, I know I am depressed, that one does not take rocket science. I trusted, I loved, I let someone in, they squashed me like a bug - and I have no really solid idea why. I can make guesses by that is all I got, except for the memory of having experienced God's love and an emotion.

So, I ended up with a cheat sheet of ways to battle grief and the expected depression:

1. Relax - music, reading, walking, hobby, meditate, gardening. Do something to relax each day.

2. Be kind to yourself - counteract your negative thoughts. Tell yourself the opposite is true.

3. Eat properly. Limit sugar, fat, salt, caffeine and alcohol. Eat out once in a while.

4. Say "No" - if others are too demanding, tell them you will need to get to them on their desires.

5. Find a friend - express your feelings with them.

6. Exercise - even a walk three times a week can help with how you are thinking and feeling.

7. Do it now - no procrastination, which can cause you think negatively about yourself.

8. Adapt to change - change is inevitable and can increase stress. Do not resist it. Adapt.

9. Express your feelings - find ways to express yourself. Journalling, a movie, write a letter (you destroy!).

10. Grieve Losses - sadness and grief are natural and appropriate when you are screwed over. Be kind.

11. Test you assumptions - ask those whom hurt you what they really said or meant.

12. Rest - sleep as you are able, napping is ok. Try to relax.

13. Review your "Should"s - set time limits for getting things done, get rid of them if they are undone.

14. Laugh - see the humorous side of things. Laughter is good medicine. Enjoy life.

15. Ask for help - if you need support don't be a afraid to ask for comfort and advice.


Yeah I just enjoy useful stuff like this. I know the lady whom gave this to me meant well. But, "feelings" are not within the purview of my experience. The one person whom can help will not even talk with me. And everything points to a demonic take over of my daughter. Yeah, snap out of it Kris! Care about yourself not you daughter! And I would rather die than ever abandon my daughter to life in the world and what that will ultimately cost her.....

Missed By .071 Seconds!

With the Summer Olympics having wound down, it is amazing to see how sometimes just a fraction of a second is all that separated a gold medal winner from the rest of the pack!

For the purposes of my educational grant, I have to drive to the local community college and file paperwork every week with the sponsors. Sort of a pain since the school is about 20 miles away and the car gets 13 mpg.....

So, I left the school and drove to Albertsons for some groceries. When I got out of the car - viola!, a bullet hole in the driver's rear door! Yeah, someone took a shot at me!

Now I never heard the impact, but then I tend to listen to the radio while I drive plus the air conditioner was on due to the horrible heat we had last week. Yeah, I am a heat wimp.

This seems to fit well with a week in which my daughter, having dodged me all week, was to return home with her mother. I have found that seven women, most whom were never my friend on FaceBook, have blocked me. And I get the strangeous of reactions from women now at church. Yeah, daughter and her mother were up to something and it obvious was not godly in character - nor true. So a hard week as it was and now this?

How close did I come to being hit by the bullet? Well, it was a 9mm and it hit 14" behind me. The road has a 35 mph speed limit and I generally drive right at the speed limit. If my calculations are correct, the difference between the bullet hitting me, or not, was only .071 seconds!

So though it seems my daughter and her mother wish me ill, someone else wishes me dead, and God saved this old German by the hair of his chinny-chin-chin! Yes, God is blessing me and caring for me. And to my detractors, if you want any other proof of my innocence - well God seems to continue to protect me and bless me, in spite of what ever slander is going around.

Sigh.

The Five Stages of Grief

The five of grief: stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order.

Denial

This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

Anger

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing the loss. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one whom is gone, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one is gone. Suddenly you have a structure – - your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Bargaining

Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the problem sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Depression

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved left. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

And I continue to pray against those whom have taken you from me and for your restoration.......

Knowing God's Will - False Idols

This post is to be a continuation of the one a while back on Superstitions. The point of superstitions is that we as Christians have allowed good old pagan superstitions to creep into our body. Check out that post and I am sure you know of people whom are directed by such beliefs. But, a whole lot of non-superstitious Christians I run into have an entirely different problem: false idols.

No, I don't imagine that they have a Buddha in their doorway that they feed rice to, but they have idols all the same and I am not talking about the typical ones mentioned these days - like sports. Just an example, I have addressed what I think of sports in the past and that is not the point of this one.

I am surrounded by Christians whom worship these false idols:

• Material Blessings
• Money
• Health
• Lack of Opposition
• Emotional Highs
• Peace

Yeah, I think that is enough for this post anyways!

Of course, the Health and Wealth Gospel has been around for decades. People flock to have their ears smoothed to the sounds of having lots of money, cars, houses, jewelry, vacations, etc. All the benefits of being a Christian. God is showering you with His blessings. And yet, I do not find a single scripture to support what represents a vast percentage of believers; not only in America but other countries like Australia, New Zealand, Czechoslovakia, Poland, Germany - to just name a few countries I have been to in the past decade where this abomination has reared its head. According to them, you can judge where you stand with Jesus, by the bank account you possess.

Contrary to popular American belief, the goal of your Christian existence is not to accumulate vast amounts of wealth for your old age, so that you might live in comfort. It is to reach the lost with the message of Jesus' salvation for a world lost in sin. That takes your resources to do this. All of your resources. We are not told to build awesome buildings to fill one morning a week, nor to have cars which make my heart purr to see on the roadway, nor any of the thousands of ways the world has for us to part with what God gives us of His abundance. Nope. You get to live on what He gives you but He also expects to see a healthy return on His investment in you.

But, well we know how that one goes - if only I have more money, I could tithe/tithe more/support whatever. Um, you do have enough money right now. You have what He gives you. Need more? Better be wiser with what He gives you. No one needs a $30,000 car nor $500,000 home or jewels or stocks or bonds or rents to cover your future. You need your faith in God that He will cover your future and then have the gumption to step out and start reaching a world lost in sin. Your provision is to come from God supplying you with work to provide the funds He needs to get His work done.

Unfortunately, I have two friends heavily invested in this approach to life. One attends a church I would call outright apostate, the other a normal church, he is just seen as one of the more "secure" members. For me? I have lived my life as best I could at being a good steward. Yeah we all make mistakes (like buying needless spoilies!) but that does not happen all that often. Even then it is often to help a brother out of some financial mess and the items go for sale to recoup their cost or increase for another service for Christ.

Just to clarify: God can bless you financially and materially in life. That is His right. But, He also expects you to walk away from it at the drop of a hat to help others with all of it! Not an easy task for us humans, but expected none the less.

Also in tow with the apostate Health and Wealth Gospel is the belief that you will know you are in God's will because you are completely and totally healthy. Really? My Bible says that somewhere? Nope but then again it is a grand idea which can be used to help you feel superior to others. Just like wealth, health is God's loving gift to His righteous followers. I can even remember this guy claiming he was so godly that he never even had a cavity in his whole life! It was a lie, it turned out all of his teeth were capped and he thought no one could find out. Yeah, my God does not deal nicely with those whom misrepresent him.

Can God keep your health and out of danger? Sure, but to what end? Pearly whites are not going to reach the lost for Him. No, it is the broken man whom will be the one to reach out, to witness, to sacrifice for the sake of the Gospel. And health is another way God has of directing you. You might be needed to lead a sedate life, injured, in order to fulfill your role in life and ministry. Hmmmmmm, sounds painfully familiar.

The next set hits too close to home, it addresses issues with those I love, whom do not listen. Lack of opposition, being nothing stands in your way in your attempts at life or ministry is a really a poor condition for inspection. If you are not threatening Satan, there will be no opposition at all! It is when we are crossing the line into his realm that suddenly our entire world will turn upside down. If you want opposition and to have your faith tried - do anything to break Satan's hold over what is in your area. And expect your brothers and sisters in Christ to be at the front of the line in slandering you, opposing you, doing all there is to stop you. As Christians we do shoot our own far too often.

But ... but, if you are doing God's work then He will protect you, He will hold the opposition back, He ..... Yeah, well tell that to my two friends whom went on a mission trip to Uganda. Idi Amin, personally ate one of them..... No, Satan is the ruler of a vast domain and he will do all he can to retain what he has. You have to have the faith of those two friends of mine in Uganda, whom stood and faced martyrdom.

Just this past week I have had no less than five in my church go out of their way to tell me that if I was walking closer to God, i would have the peace I seek in my life. Really? So, just write off my prayer life, write off people that mean something to me, write off the very basis of the term love - to no longer be concerned for the troubles of my loved ones. REALLY!?!?!?!?

Turning your troubles over to God is not to ignore them, nor to stop praying for them! It is to but the results into His hands, but you still play in active role through prayer and by whatever means you have to reach and witness to them. Peace is a luxury for those untroubled by a world gone mad, nor reaching others for Christ. I will talk another time about faith and peace.....

And finally, emotions. Prior to May I never could have written something on this. I really did not know what an emotion was. And my introduction to a single emotion was more trouble than I could have expected. Its assassination was sudden, a surprise and followed by death - well there are a few random resurrections at the most oddest times and places. Emotional highs are awesome, you can conquer the world, but emotions are fickle and very doubtful from God. Sure He can use them but I would be mighty cautious in ever trusting in emotion as a way to guide me in discovering God's will.

All of these items I have talked about are common. They are sought by tens of millions of "believers" as proof of God's blessings and therefore His ultimate direction for your life. Yet, each points away from God and ultimately become idols we worship, forgetting whom could be the source for each of them. So we drive our BMW to church, wearing our over priced clothing that is just a "name", we have our Coach purse collection, maybe matching shoes, we sit with others just like us, smiling with our pearly whites and comment on their new attire, purse, car, whatever is so wonderful. And, outside the doors of the beautiful building dedicated to Sunday mornings, lives a world dying in its sin.

A Father's Duties

I modeled for my daughter a man of God, of what a real father is. It was hard for her to understand but she got it eventually. And as a father, picked by God for her, I promised to never let her go and yet she has run away from God and me.

A real father never gives up on his child, no matter how hard or bad it gets, they are still a piece of you. And for those whom know me, you know the size of that understatement, given my other four children! Thus dear daughter you can throw me away today, you can place thousands of miles between us, but through all of the tomorrows, I will still be your father.

So all of the words for prayers have been said, there is only repetition left.
All of the tears have been shed. I am sure when the event occurs, there will be more, but for now that is over.
All hope has been cast behind walls only a sociopath understands.

What is left is for me is to overcome the damage done my heart.
To reduce stress.
To live once again a loveless existence.
Thank those friends whom stood by me and praise God for them.
To quietly bow out of all which did not support God's work.
To prepare for the loss of my family.
To learn South American Spanish.
To pick up specific medical training.
To continue to walk as close to God as I am able.
To prepare for the roughest test of my faith I will ever have.
To keep my heart soft for my daughter's need.
To never give up on my daughter - in thought, prayer or deed.

Another Death

Yes, this year is turning out to be a nasty one! This morning, way too early, I was awaken by the phone; it was one of my step mothers (my favorite of the bunch and the best of the bunch, a real keeper!). She was broken up, her sister had died.

Sarah, was aristocratic and mighty difficult to get to know. I knew her for a few years before father and my mean cruel stepmother divorced and then due to my move I never had a chance to see her again. Although I did not know her well, two of her children I did, one I still stay in contact with and the third I never met but she has been a good cousin through the years and in mentoring one of my god-daughters.

Unfortunately, Sarah had Alzheimer's really bad. Cancer plus Alzheimer's equals not a pretty picture for the past ten years for those whom cared for her; her sister and her children. At least she is no long suffering. Yeah, it was not pleasant I hear.

Would that I was still employed, I would have the money to go and be with my MCex-SM, this will be very hard, no matter how strong the realization that her sister is at least no longer suffering. And someone ought to address the salvation issue with this family. A matter for prayer.

To John, Michel and Rebecca (and John) - you are in my prayers.....

The Blessings of Service

As I was driving home last night, God got me thinking about what composed the last few months and the wonders I experienced. Of course, daughter discounts all of this now, even though she witnessed all and knows all. That is why I can not understand her current behavior in light of what she knows versus what she says she wants.....

I guess the real surprise was God asking me to do something. Yeah, I live my life to be of service to Him, but nothing really meaningful ever really seems to come about. Lots of little silent things but never something big like - pursue and change a life! I did not expect much in the way of success. But I am game for most any task. And given I had already been given my walking paper from life by numerous doctors, 30 to 90 days max and that would have been with a miracle as it was. If God wants one more assignment out of me, cool - not a problem. And He used me as I have never seen Him do before.

Nine months later, I am still alive, though my life is now dead - the personal cost of service stripped me of almost everything. Which is fine, I would do it all again, having seen what I have and knowing my daughter is now within the realm of God and not dead to sin as she was.

And God performed so many miracles. When they began, i realized instantly God really was calling her and provided so much evidence she never would be able to discount it was not God behind this effort. Of course, from my perspective the greatest and the most tragic was - God gave a genetic sociopath an emotion. Since only maybe .0025% of the population can understand what the absence of emotion really means in your life - I was devastated by what happened to me. It brought joy, it brought pain, it was the death of me as I knew myself. Yeah, things like this do not happen. And so daughter's betrayal could only hurt me if I had an emotion - and since I now did, a three week old emotion took the hit. For now, little is left of it. I know that I have no ability to recall it, I know God does. I know that it is of God and bears His mark for my daughter. It is like it was programmed to only react to her. So weird.

I prayed over a friend with an arm set for amputation, after months of not healing and it did have to come off - it was rotting! God granted that prayer and healed that arm. No, it is not yet 100% but that swollen arm began shrinking immediately and she moved a finger for the first time in months that morning. Doctors are clueless, but daughter was there and she and I know God worked a miracle that morning.

There were other healings: for daughter, a swollen and twisted ankle healed instantly and I have to admit I was a little freaked watching that swelling melt away like butter. Numerous healings, so many for me that she was constantly commenting on how this just did not make sense. Yeah, I get injured a lot, so God heals once prayed for - others - well, I get to enjoy their healing to the fullness of time, sigh. Miracle ones - third degree burns vanish, gangrene healed, a six inch hernia - poof! gone! And there were so many daily that time does not permit all I could share.

The healings were impressive but it was the thousands of small things, everyday that God overcame, through prayer that really was noticed. However, the ones I really sought - never happened - acceptance of daughter by my family and Gaelic Girl - water and oil all of them. Though it was a miracle in itself that we even had opportunities for each other so she could grow.

Then there were changes within me which completely modified me. None of them I understand, all of them worry me. The emotion was only the most mysterious, I am still a little frightened by what the others mean.

Daughter was extremely damaged, I knew this about her since she was a child of 8, but I could not understand where this damage leads and what it does to a person internally. Because of daughter I now do understand and unfortunately I can now "spot" those whom share her brokenness. No, I have no calling to intervene in another life, as I did with her. I am not sure if that is right or wrong, but I do know that God has ordered me to wait upon Him and what He is going to do with daughter. And that is fine, but she sure is not going to think so.....

Well, I wear down easily and so must now rest....

What The Heck?

I had recently blogged that I question all things supernatural. And that brought an immediate response from Blog-landia: "How can you even question things of the Lord! The Holy Spirit and His angels minister to us, it is dangerous to question them and not just obey."

Well, valid question and the answer comes from a lifetime of dealing in spiritual warfare to reclaim "my kids" from the messes they get themselves naively in. What follows is a perfect example of just my reason for testing all things!

#####

I am writing this on Sunday afternoon, about 3:30, as I am not exactly sure what to make of something. I will set the publication date for late on Monday as I am not exactly sure ..... well I already said that didn't I? But, I will have a chance to edit this further once I know more - it will make a good post either way.

So, I am sitting here working on my computer, doing last minute homework on a research paper due tomorrow and I noticed that I started to nod off. And voices woke me up, multiple voices as if in a conversation. I looked around but no one else is in the house and no radios or tv were on. What the heck? Maybe a car going by?

So, I settled back down and again it happened. Just a brief blast of conversation like someone turning the dial on their radio (dated myself, eh?). I am fully awake this time, in fact in prayer about what just happened! But, I can not make out the words. And yes I am getting freaked out. Am I turning into my grandmother? Am I ready to start wrapping tin foil around my head so that those in the flying saucers can no longer talk to me? Twilight Zone theme music, please.....

Then it happened a third time, faster than a flash, a being appears next to me, puts it face right in front of mine and says, "They are coming home!", expressed as such a great joy. No, I am not asleep, I was typing on my computer, slowly wondering if I had a metal dental filling going bad! That can cause radio reception I remember.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What the heck was that?!?!?!?!? Did it say "they" or "we", or what the heck? What the heck does this mean?

So, whom is coming home? No idea. What is the time frame? No idea. Am I going to drop dead? (super cool if true!)

As for saying goodbyes, well those I love always get an "I love you" as the last thing I ever say to them. So, that base is covered. People I do not know personally, like Kelly, Cathy, Robin, Rissa, Jim - you all saw me through a very dark time in my life and I look forward to seeing each of you on the other side..... Of course that is true whether this weirdness was for me or not! Five minute or Five Years from now! Of course, Kelly could be a better friend and accept my friend request on FB - from a year ago!, just a hint.....

If posting stops on Wednesday, I usually write most of my posts on Sunday and am on Wednesday currently, well then you know it was me or I will let you know what it was! Oh, Lord, if only it is my daughter returning! Such joy this would be!

*****

Well, I did not die, yet anyway. Daughter did not return home or even bother to look up her broken father. So, I am clueless as to what happened on Sunday.

So, I think you can see the point of trying all things of a supernatural nature. One of the reasons American Christianity if rift with superstition in the lack of testing all spirits.

Obviously, this was demonic, if nothing happens quite soon. And me and God will again be addressing exactly whom is in control of this house and this family - Satan wins far too many battles against my family. He just obstructs my life through injuries. But, in time, I will win this war - my Bible tells me so.....

Went To The Movies

So, I had two free evenings so I decided to go to the movies and see if that could help me unwind. It helped a little.

First up was Total Recall (2012). Now you have to understand that I really do not like Schwarzenegger, I find his name to be appropriate in German (sorry your dictionary is not going to help you with that one, it is interpretation not translation you need!). Be that as it may, I found the original Total Recall to be way too violent for my tastes, to much nudity and I also do not like Sharon Stone at all. So lots of negatives right up front. However, the concept of the movie was interesting.

Enter the 2012 version and it is a pretty good film. But, of course we have to have gratuitous nudity - even if it is just a prosthetic, there was no need for it nor reason for it. Secondly, they are continually making references throughout the movie back to the original - just random statements that had they never of made would have lent this to being an excellent film! I do not agree that nudity is acceptable for teenage viewers so I nix this film especially for the males. Otherwise, this could have been an excellent film.

Next up is Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Yeah, I broke down and went to see it at the dollar theater. It is an amazing film. The costuming was excellent, they wove actual history very well with the story of vampires. And to make it interesting, they managed to tell the tale as actually being three in one - a vampire's revenge against other vampires, a vampire collective's political attempt to forge their own nation and good old axe wielding Abraham. No it is definitely not a must see, but it was well done.

And the trailers for Skyfall and Bourne Legacy were excellent. I hope the films are as good as the trailers make out.

Knowing God's Will - Superstitions

As I continue to come to terms with my private life, I diligently search for lessons learned - things of value to me or for future classes - should I go back to teaching this fall. Yeah, a prayer item because I am being encouraged to walk away and never invest myself in youth again. Not exactly godly advice, I think.

Superstition is mentioned and we instantly think of naked pagan people running around Borneo, or maybe drunken revelers in a Haiti voodoo ritual, or think of the silly things believed amongst the uneducated. But, how many of you would think of your church?

Yes, Christians can be just as superstitious a lot as any uneducated fisherman or voodoo reveler! Let us think about this for a few minutes.

Pastors are the mini-pope of the church - God talks directly to them and why you need to seek them out for advice. Their prayers are more godly, their prayers are heard - unlike yours. The same with elders or deacons, depending upon what your church has. This is all SUPERSTITION!

God will not use you if you are un-baptized or the magic words where not said over you as you were dunked. What about the entire dunking versus sprinkling argument? Or how deep the water is. Or how about indoor versus natural body of water versus running water? Nothing here but SUPERSTITION.

Let us add the ministry of the Holy Spirit! Holy cow do we have nothing but SUPERSTITIONS here! The Holy Spirit can not use you if you are un-baptized. If you do not speak in tongues then you do not have the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit does not have a ministry anymore. The Holy Spirit is the object of today's ministry. Etc, ad nauseum!

Yes, we Christians are a superstitious lot because we do not know our Scriptures! We lean towards other people's understandings and unfortunately I have found that most people whom write books have an agenda or are wanting something from you. Of course that is true of those whom do not write books as well. It could even be true of me, however I actually don't have an agenda.

So, what are the answers to the above superstitions?

If you are serious in your walk with the Lord, then God talks to you just the same as He talks to anyone else, pastors, elders and deacons included. Position is no guarantee that the person is walking with God..... However! NOTE an exception! "Prayer of a righteous man avails much...." Meaning that those not walking closely with God are not going to be seeing positive outcomes to their prayers. The more "stuff" you put between you and God, the less likely you are going to be finding satisfaction with your prayer life. And the more you will lean towards superstition in seeking answers (signs, wonders, etc). And yes, I believe that God listens to a righteous woman's prayers too. Hmmmmm.....

Baptism is such a touchy subject! Are there "magic words" that have to be said in order for you baptism to "take" or be "valid"? Sorry, there are no magic Christian words. Not in calling on Jesus for salvation, nor in getting dunked. Baptism is your personal testimony to the community you worship in. We are ordered to be baptized in the name of the "father, son and holy spirit" (by the way, there is nothing called "holy spirit" in the early texts, translators just do not like the terms "it", "breath", etc). The form I really do not believe is magical either. Sprinkle or dunk, you are already a Christian - through confession, what follows is your willingness to make a public statement in OBEDIENCE. Hmmmmmm.....

And for the whole Holy Spirit issue? I am satisfied IT still exists, IT is still active within the church and the lives of the individual believer, However, I am not satisfied with the arguments that Tongues is required, nor any other single gift, to prove the Spirit is in your life. There will be something, at least one gift you and everyone else might not even notice, but that is up to God what is shared with us or gives us or calls upon us to use, not us. My greatest concern is that for every aberration of the Holy Spirit there is a fake demonic one - and I see far more demonic activity than I do of the real Holy Spirit - simply because of the superstition in the church. You can not talk to anyone about this, especially if they are in the wrong. The price of human arrogance and pride. And of all of the gifts, PROPHECY I find the greatest error with. I have never seen someone with this gift, I have seen it demonstrated for real - the Holy Spirit using someone to prophesy but they are not a prophet. Generally, I find this performed by people dishing out man's logic - because in the few cases I have seen of attempts at this, it is not God's infinite wisdom being given. Sorry, I remain the supreme doubter for anyone claiming the gift of prophecy - yes, I have seen the real thing a few times and it is mind blowing, but to prove yourself before someone with discernment can be deadly to your desired career.

Yeah, superstition abounds in the modern church, I did not even have to pause to think of just three examples and there will be more forth coming, however under different discussions.....

Finally, A Normal Reading

Last night marked my very first normal blood pressure reading since the July 12 heart attack.

Of course, it was an isolated reading but you know, I am glad to see that my heart seems to be healing slightly anyways. Even at that, I see the damage within myself this betrayal has brought on - physically. Well, I was dying at the beginning of the year and would have been long gone by now, had I not of said, "Okay, Lord I will do it." Maybe the point of the entire catastrophe was for daughter to come to Christ. Maybe the rest was just - what? I can't believe that. There were too many specifics to what she needed trained in..... No, she had a purpose and a path. There was a plan for her.

Please keep up those prayers! I expect to live long enough for one last action of obedience a few years from now. If not with my daughter then with whom ever God raises up to fill her void. After that, well, there is no "after that's" for me - I already know the price of that one. But, daughter never could have understood. :^)

Of course, God may change the plan, He does do that when we do not stay in place and choose our way over His way. But, nothing I can do about that except pray.....

I had a long talk with her mother. I was more than likely blunter than usual. Like her daughter, she lives from one emotion to the next, but she does not understand what she has caused to happen will damage her daughter further. She only see life in terms of emotion; her daughter was hurting in June and she put it stop to it. Not hurting equals God's will, because He is a god of peace - conversely hurting means you are out of God's will. Doesn't seem to matter that hurting is also how we grow in our faith, or the price of not doing what God has told us, or in this case - would have lead to daughter learning her final lesson in stripping her worldview from her. Sigh.......

Yeah, well welcome to my world, where God is ruling, God is judgmental, God is sovereign and your desire for peace has little to do with His usage of you. She broke my daughter and now she will take her daughter back home, unfortunately to see that what she has done is create a worse problem than before. Sigh.....

Thoughts on Blogs

I have had a number of blogs through the years. My first was a blog dedicated to the adoption of and parenting of four older Russian children I had adopted. I actually won an award with the one from Yahoo in 2000! That was both unexpected and personally rewarding. However the cost of the hosting grew to exceed my finances.

I moved to MySpace and ended up in a church war, with my account hacked by haters and then deleted by "Tom". Yeah, never take on the pastor of another church and point out the error of his ways!l Yeah, the largest church in the entire area. He could not attack me publicly, so got me killed instead. As for Tom, when he sent me a friend request on FaceBook, I happily clicked the "Nope, you suck" button.

So, I moved to Blogger in 2004 and what followed were several years of the same, I lost the first five blogs and hundreds of posts - probably by the same people behind my MySpace death. But, I got smarter as time passed and Blogger was not exactly a great deal of help through this travail.

I recently consolidated all of my blogs under Blogger and this account. And it is darn interesting to see the statistics!

This blog runs about 497 readers daily. In order of sheer numbers: Russia, USA, India, China, Germany, Switzerland (hi cousins!), Malaysia, Philippines (Rissa!) and Brazil.

Diariuo di un Padre was a hidden site since I created in November of last year. It is only intended for my now estranged daughter, actually as a gift to her so as to remember a brief point in her life - with sadness and joy. But, since she seems bent on killing me in her life, I made it public and gave her mother the address to pass on to her. I am certain she did not pass it on, I should think the daughter I know would contact me, if her mother had. In any event, I was amazed to find that in one month of being public, it continues to hold at 30 +/- readers a day. The stories are meaningless to anyone but her, so I am clueless what people are finding in it to keep them reading.

Same is basically true of Lettere a una Figlia, the follow-on to my diary for my daughter. Although it seems to mostly deal with me dealing with the mess daughter has made of my life, so far. But, this situation has been extremely hard for me to deal with. And, I have been amazed to find that just slightly over one hundred a day are reading this blog! What the heck? Perhaps a heart's anguish is more interesting to people than I would have thought! Yeah, watch a Christian sociopath -soap opera- crater himself over having his heart ripped out and eaten before his dying eyes..... Good reading apparently for Russians and Chinese. Go figure.

As for my father's site, I took it down because I had used it to resolve my angst at his life and death. He was a man of mysteries to me and it took that little blog for me to sort out my feelings. I killed it when I was able to come to grips with life. But, I actually got emails to put it back up! Seems that amongst German's, first person experiences by someone whom had been in on the leading edge of technical creation during the war as well as surrounding the entire issue of the camps, is wanted! Sure surprised me. It still has a strong readership.

Someone recently was arguing to me that the entire "blog" experience was dead, dying and over.

Seems not....

Coincidence

In my world, purely through observation, I have found that there are NO coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. Everything is within God's control - only as long as we are. Everything will be understood, often much later.

My blood pressure is once again in the territory of stroke occurrence. Too darn hot, so too little sleep, too much pain - not like I would have gotten any sleep in any event - God had me up praying for Yesfir for four straight hours again last night. Shades of last fall and the spiritual warfare I was forced into, to reach Yesfir, as God had commanded me.

So tired, I was in Fred Meyers looking at the video, Tangled with my youngest grand-daughter, when it happened. My spirit leapt within me, for God's "gift" of telling me all things of Yesfir had woke up and I felt her spirit leap with joy at having seen me. I didn't know what to do, she was behind me and as I turned so knowingly did she, away. This reoccurred three more times. So, her spirit rejoices in seeing me - her being rejects me. Yeah, our will can over ride God's and our spirit quite easily.

I must protest God! I know there are no coincidences, she knows this as well. I know you set up opportunities for her to speak with me - but she refused and then compounded this three more times! You must have driven home the point to her heart after the fourth time. Did she even start to wonder at how she could hate me so?

Honestly Yesfir, what transgression? What sin, have I ever committed against you? What part of open, honest, truthful, transparent, and in love - did I ever violate with you. I really would like to know.....

I honestly feel sorry for you dear, your fight is not against me - it is against the spirit of this age whom has lied to you. And yes, I can stand in judgement against those whom have poisoned your spirit towards me. And I can just as easily welcome you back into my heart - because I never left you.

Be so very careful dear, you are forcing your time of decision, to occur too soon, while you are still ill prepared to face what lay on the other-side of that decision. Should you chose poorly - you will discover the real cost of living in the world. Please do not allow your pride to allow this to happen. Please do not do this until after your preparation. Remember what I told you - you do not live under a generational curse - you live in a long line of people whom God has called and they ALL have chosen poorly. There is a difference and it does not have to be this way at all.....

And you can change that future with just three words: spoken, texted, messaged, etc.

And I wait, as I have for over seven weeks now. Your father is not going anywhere - just waiting.....

Musical Saturday Morning

Well as you recognized, I did not post a video in July, my heart too stunned by the betrayal I was forced to have to live through. Originally, I was going to do one anyway, probably Billy Idol for as angry as I was, but those heart attacks got in the way.

This morning I am in a less expressive mood, so a little something from 1987. I loved this song when it came out but I often can not understand words in English when they are sung by Englishmen and they purposefully do not pronounce whole words. So for years I did not know what this song is about. My lawyer one day asked why I was whistling this song and I said that I really liked the melody. He snorted and asked if I knew what the words meant, of course not! So he explained them. Yeah, I was disappointed but it is still a beautiful melody and the guy's voice like velvet.....



And so, in my quieting pain, I resign myself to that future day, when I will be fully human and maybe understand.....

Another Loss

Thursday afternoon came the news of another loss of a friend. This one hurts much more than the loss of my ex-future father-in-law, this time it was a a woman whom in my mind ranks amongst the greats of Christianity. And remember, to be great, you must be the absolute least amongst the saints.

When I first stumbled upon this church, one extremely cold December's day in 1991, there was this woman. She instantly commanded my attention because a: she had the most awesome head of hair I have seen on any woman and before that b: she possessed a spirit of complete dedication to the Lord. Across random visits to this area I got to know her and her family better, ex-missionaries, hard workers in the local church, a life of hardship for which there was no bitterness what-so-ever. I was, and have remained, in awe of her across 21 years of knowing her and her family. The church lost quite a witness today.

When I brought my children to Seattle for US Immigration and Naturalization, her husband gave a Russian Bible to my oldest, whom could read. It thrilled her no end to actually possess a Bible much less to read about what she had heard of at monthly missionary visits to her orphanage on the Chechen border. That is the kind of people they were - in tune with God and willing to serve, they did not know I would be town on that Sunday with Russian children. Yeah, God is quite awesome.

I would say more. I owe it to her to do so, but on the off chance daughter is still reading this blog, I do not want to further stress her out. Yeah, I know that is cryptic, but even if she hates me, I will do what I can to protect her mind. Because something about Em - would click a memory in Yesfir's mind, of something I said she should not not have known about. Well, that ought to keep her guessing.....

Daughter, if you are at the memorial and I see you, can we talk - civilly to one another?

Random Discernments

I am so messed up mentally, i am questioning everything. Literally. Including my sanity at times. Did I miss something somewhere with daughter? Some clue that I could have caught and avoided this mess? Did I mishandle any part of the relationship? Questions, questions, questions.

So much of what I know about Yesfir was discerned, as it was revealed by God, not by any physical, mental or emotional clues. I do not make that claim in pride, if you have read my previous posting concerning this gift you understand that is almost too painful sometimes to experience.

And I questioned. Ok, God, think you have given me discernment - tell me about the people in my row - prove to me I am not going insane.....

I turned to the right, a man and two small boys. He had been in Hawaii, done too much drinking, got rolled, felt stupid - was not a Christian. He is divorced, she left him, his wife lives in Chicago while he and the boys in Ohio..... Fun so far, huh? Yeah, I could tell you lots more.

On my left, pleasant Japanese woman.No not a Christian ..... and yet, something intriguing. Something I have never encountered - a huge block of bitterness and anger, but not directed at anyone, it just seemed to define her. Maybe Kris is slipping? Why the mystery?

Farthest left, another Japanese woman. Another non-Christian and were it not for what God taught me through daughter, I never would have been able to understand the darkness, anger, bitterness and total horror laying just below the surface. I really wished there was something I could say, but I now, know better.

I was shaken. No Kris still has "it". I have not been mistaken, God is still at least talking with me.

It might anger me that the man and his wife broke up, but I sure have seen enough marriages die where the female just walks off these days. "I need romance/more coach purses/etc". But, it cheers me that he is caring for his boys. Boys need a father to become real men ..... a loving one that is. Now if only he would turn to God.

The farthest woman, what can one say? Certain damages are not recoverable from without an intense God effort. Be good to pray God does make that effort..... I have only ever been led to address this once with someone and that task is not completed yet and has been incredibly painful so far for all involved.

And the Japanese woman, so troubled, but why? I turned to physical observation - nothing unusual at all. What on earth could it be? It had my curiosity now. By the end of the flight I had figured it out, she had a handicap. Oh but let me tell you it was so well guarded and hidden, the average person would never have known unless you got into her life somehow. And that hatred and darkness? All directed towards herself because she is not "normal". I think it pleased her when I pulled my cane out of the overhead rack, I was not "normal" either.....

No, God still seems to be using and blessing me; and yet I am accursed by one whom should know - far better than anyone else ever has. And given what I have learned from daughter I can understand a little bit more of the puzzle of things God reveals; my daughter, the random Japanese woman on the plane, my American nephew's mother, the woman behind the Starbucks counter this morning, the girl in the hallway at the college. Broken beings, that never should have been broken. I can't actually "feel" anything for or about them. God told me how to "fix" daughter. I was specially selected, because I was broken, I had nothing to lose by saying "Okay, God one last assignment...". But, I can not reconcile what happened with daughter after she left. She was right, then she was wrong, and God is keeping me randomly blind. I feel so that she can make HER decisions - follow what she has seen and knows - or choose another way based on the fickleness of emotion.

And it does not take discernment to "know" that if God made an extraordinary effort to pull someone to Him, that there is a pressing reason. Yeah, but I wonder if you have figured it out yet? Not if your world view is still in place.....

In Memory Of

It is with sadness I write of the death of the man whom would have been my father-in-law, had he and his wife not so venomously reacted to this skinny German guy their daughter was hanging with and eventually agreed to marry.

The family was Swedish and as such, very tight knit - as in no outsiders allowed. Not only was I an outsider, I was a foreigner, a German with an interest in their daughter, a fashion model (as her mother had been). They were torn between anger and terrified of me all at the same time.

From my viewpoint, this was the very first Christian family I had seen the interior of. I wanted to learn, I wanted to know what a Christian man was, I was a brand new Christian myself.

Yeah, it did not go well. Twin cultures slamming head first into one another. So, their rejection of me was understandable. And, I was quite accustomed to rejection. So, not an immediate problem. But, he was to be the one to terminate my pending marriage.

So, you might come to think that our relationship was horrible, that we bore dislike through the years for one another. Nope.

God had me take on the entire church during one business meeting. The church was to vote to discredit a man's testimony, a man whom had troubles, a man whom looked to our church for help and was rebuffed. He was not "cool". So, I stood up and let both barrels fly. By the time God was done with them (I was just a mouth piece, and to this day I have no idea what I said!), many were in tears and a mini-revival broke out.

As I sat down, quite shaken because this is completely not like me, I saw this man. He had been quietly standing behind me. He stood and never said a word. His presence is what had shut up the critics. The man I had hoped would be my future father, whom bore such a strong dislike for me that he personally killed my marriage, had stood in support of what was being said. And the church understood exactly what was going on, God was talking through the silly German boy and this Swede was willing to lend a voice to shut them up - in spite of what he thought of me. Wow!

Yes, through the years I have thought of him often. About a decade later, I was able to see him a few times a year, when ever our paths would cross. He embarrassed, me just happy to see the first Christian man I had come to know - whom may not have liked me but had supported in a confrontation. He never could understand that joy I had in seeing him.

Decades later he had Dutchman pass his apology on to me, with a long explanation for the choices he had made. It haunted him what he and his wife had done to me, and ultimately their daughter. No she never did marry, spent years in therapy, with numerous attempts to kill herself. Very sad because I am not so sure any of it had to happen. Of course, it made a mess of me for a few years too. But, his wife had crossed my path and met my children just after I had adopted them. She was horrified/stunned to learn that their names were the ones they had picked out for their grandchildren, they never had. I still am a little torn between, this is a sickness to not let parents name their children, and thought of what part of God's determinative and permissive will exactly had occurred in my life. (Twilight Zone music please!)

I debated what to do now. Do I send a sympathy card to the family? Or do I quietly allow the past to lay? I would send a card but really do not want their daughter to think of contacting me, as Dutchman has said, she is not exactly normal mentally anymore. And, I think I have enough problems of my own for now.....