Forgiveness

I thought I knew pain, until I was sucker punched.
I thought I knew relational boundaries, until God over-rode mine.
I thought I knew trust and what it was not.

Throughout life my response has always been the same to questions of trust, integrity and honesty - violate mine and good bye.  A very simple credo to live by, black and white, and works well for me, no extended drawn out dramas damaging everyone more and more.  I have absolutely no problem having no friends, that has been my life - a few close friends, many acquaintances and many  more whom I used to know.  Until now.

But what if you are compelled from above, not only to forgive but to actively seek that person's healing, to surprisingly share in their pain?  A week ago, my reply would have been a snort because I know this is impossible.  Today, not so much. 
                  
I am a shattered remnant of what I was in January, very little is left of me after I was gutted and left for dead by a friend with a bone to pick.  I have sat in shock since, watching, trying to figure out what happened, and God continued to feed me all I do not want to know, until I finally broke last week.  This time, it would have been Argentina, except for that darn leg problem!  God, can be quite merciless at times.  Trapped by a bum leg, forced to know everything I have no desire to, to see, to know, to feel - to then be given empathy for whom God wants drawn back.  Really?  And my twin natures tearing me apart within me - loving concern and protective self interest!

You have no idea how hard it was on Friday.  I tried to be nice, it did not work.  Okay, change wordings, change tactics, change tone.  Finally to be blunt. I have no idea how many times or what eventually got through, maybe God's Spirit?  Saying anything crass and crude is so hard for me, completely violating my Teutonic upbringing!  Good Lord!  What Miss Lobb, my Canadian teacher, would have done to me Friday!

And God is supplying me with seemingly endless supplies of grace and mercy, shoring me up for our first real meeting in many months.  Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I want to throw up.

As I write this, I have no idea where this day or week is going, so many unanswered questions, so much pressure from all sides and I am a force of one here!

-----  So I imagined that my luncheon would not occur.  It didn't, no one ate but at least there was a time for talk but not conversation.  I could have done better with conversation rather than icicle talking rounds and trying to correct impressions.  I hope it was helpful in some regard because the price on me was a bit high for them to just shrug it off.

My forgiveness was commanded, no argument allowed!  And, I did, I gave and I asked for forgiveness for the very first time in my life (I think).

I have no doubts that I managed to shoot both of my feet off during the event.  I would have done better not going at all, but God seems so dead set on my participation that you just know I will pay for this as well - No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished ... one of my Danish great uncles favorite statements.  Ah well, the entire point of this was for their healing and long term spiritual health.

And I do pray that may be so, but if not - my continued prayer will be their return and another chance to try again to argue from God's perspective...