Sunday, I sat through what may well have been the worse sermon every given, from any pulpit, ever, in the history of Christendom. The guest speaker completely lost it and ended up telling us about how to do a brake job on a car. My daughters both asked what on earth he was talking about, once it was over! I felt sorry for him. I am guessing he just had not prepared very well, and well, it showed.
It is Sunday of this week, I know in my heart that I have to have a talk with Gaelic Girl, a talk I really never expected to ever have. But, as you saw yesterday, I never had to have that talk, GG did. So pressure off me in one regard - my conscience is clear, sorrow in all others however. From where I was on Sunday morning though, I was seeing I had to do something I am completely opposed to and unsure how I could do this without God - and I had no idea how to ask Him to help me terminate an almost lifelong friendship. This was so close to evil, but it had to be done. And in my entire life, I have only terminated a friendship once! It is that traumatic to me!
Hebrews 4:14 - 16
I was stuck in my mind, how do I approach God and ask the unspeakable? I need God's intervention; I have no clue what to do or say. I need before God to be blameless for whatever happens, but what I knew I had to do this, and I was left with great disappointment for myself. And as the poor speaker rambled on over the differences between pads and shoes - I thought on this well timed passage. If I could not approach God, certainly Jesus would on my behalf, He might have already done so. I thought more on this. I needed knowledge, I needed wisdom, I needed intervention.
And in the back of my mind, this over powering impression from December 2011, that April 1, 2014 marked something having to do with Gaelic Girl. I even still have a copy of note I had sent to Lucinda where I told her that if is all was true, then by April 2014 would see the removal of GG from my life. I always assumed this to mean her death, because I had seen she was gone. I never could have believed back in 2011, that she would walk away / abandon / tell me to leave. Because I trusted her completely back then. Yeah, well all things change I guess. Even on Friday, I was still sure she was going to be removed by death, because even as weird as she has become, her mental illness makes it only more reasonable she would do something stupid. And stupid is not discouraged in America. And death is easier to handle than a confrontation. Yeah, I know I am a mess.
In the context of Judaism, the High Priest was the one whom could once a year go into the Holy of Holies and present the sacrifice before God's presence. I remember as a teenager, my Rabbi telling me about how they used to tie a rope around the High Priests leg so that if he died in the presence of God, due to sin, the rabbis could drag him back out by rope and find someone with fewer problems to approach God on behalf of the Jewish nation.
And Jesus was sin free, nothing keeps him from approaching God. While the High Priests on Earth lived fairly secluded lives, Jesus lived amongst us - saw, felt, did as we all do, save for being innocent in the end (unlike us!).
Therefore the High Priest, whom with fear and trembling would approach God on hand and knee in the Holy of Holies - Jesus is completely approachable, just as God is to Him.
Hmmmm, our intermediary to God, someone whom understands me as a human, because He has been there. Someone whom understands God, because He is a part of Him. He can explain what I can not. He can work this evil swirling around me, to good - albeit His good.
I turned GG and her problems over to God in 2010 because it is beyond my abilities to address, much less respond to. I grew up in a home where mental illness was a way of life. I understand it. But, I no more have the ability to do anything about the dysfunction in my parents home, than I am to address it in this home.
As it turned out, it was painful for me to endure GG's attack but God did work it out, at least from the standpoint of my conscience.
Slowly, all of the children will have to come to understand that the idea of GG and me being used in the same sentence, much less around one another, is no longer valid. For me I have no problem for the children's sake of being around GG at family events, but I know GG will. She will posture herself as the victim of my insanity. She is big on justifying everything to herself and others. Appearance as a victim has always been important to her. Whatever.
So this morning, I feel like I am on the other side of this trauma. Oh yeah, it will make most of this year to get past what must be done, but it is doable. I have no doubt there will be many more displays of mental illness and character assassinations, but it is over now inside of me.
Of course, nothing is timed so well as when you actually are in desperate need - and you suddenly find the absence of those whom you were counting on to help you get through this. It is so pronounced that I could have called this post, The Vanishing ...
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
A New 2014 Goal
I was a mess on Monday. I was utterly shattered on the inside. Thursday through Sunday had been mighty hard, trying to deal with someone whom is apparently mentally ill, living in a location from which mental health care can not be forced on others, well - everyone is going to be damaged around that person.
Monday, I had nothing left. I knew what I needed to do and prepare for, however God seemed to have other priorities. I found I needed to gather together all of my financial records and it was impressed upon me was that they needed to be destroyed. Okay, maybe I am going insane here, but they really have no value to me, so I burned them. Yeah, I kept the stuff needed for tax reporting. Then went back to working on Gaelic Girl's dead car. And honestly, I was wondering if something was wrong with my mind ...
But, I needed to get a hose that is not available, so I ordered one from the local parts store. In the mean time GG had returned and was beating her head with the bathroom room while screaming. Yeah, as I said, mentally ill. So, I moved on to making an easy dinner of tacos - her favorite.
After dinner, GG then demanded all of the financial records from me and I thought how utterly bizarre! What are the odds? So she spent the night working on proving that I am stealing money from her - only to discover that I have been using 100% of my royalty payments to supplement her income to retain her house for a year now. She exploded! It was not what she wanted to find!
And this then lead to a two hour lecture from her on all of my character flaws (oh I have flaws, but apparently she does not even know about them!) and told me I need to leave because from her standpoint, it is over. I am not sure what "it" is here, everything died long ago.
I just sat there and thought to myself, if I had kept those receipts she would know that I do spent a little bit a month on me - about $50, sometimes $100 a month, which does not seem unreasonable in my mind. But, God seems to have protected me and frustrated her evil desires to justify herself. I was awed and still do wonder what the full implications are, God rarely seems to have me do something weird without a much larger purpose.
For me, over the weekend I had already reconciled myself to knowing I need to sell off virtually everything I own in order to end debt to the US IRS for taxes in 2012 and now what I owe for 2013, end my short term debt I have lived with from father's funeral in 2010, then I need a small van or truck. I do not know if I can raise that kind of money but certainly I can get closer to $0 in debt and have a car to live in at least. Then GG can refinance to a much lower mortgage and go into 2015 able to pay her own way without me.
So apparently I have a goal in 2014, get out of GG's life ...
Sigh ...
Monday, I had nothing left. I knew what I needed to do and prepare for, however God seemed to have other priorities. I found I needed to gather together all of my financial records and it was impressed upon me was that they needed to be destroyed. Okay, maybe I am going insane here, but they really have no value to me, so I burned them. Yeah, I kept the stuff needed for tax reporting. Then went back to working on Gaelic Girl's dead car. And honestly, I was wondering if something was wrong with my mind ...
But, I needed to get a hose that is not available, so I ordered one from the local parts store. In the mean time GG had returned and was beating her head with the bathroom room while screaming. Yeah, as I said, mentally ill. So, I moved on to making an easy dinner of tacos - her favorite.
After dinner, GG then demanded all of the financial records from me and I thought how utterly bizarre! What are the odds? So she spent the night working on proving that I am stealing money from her - only to discover that I have been using 100% of my royalty payments to supplement her income to retain her house for a year now. She exploded! It was not what she wanted to find!
And this then lead to a two hour lecture from her on all of my character flaws (oh I have flaws, but apparently she does not even know about them!) and told me I need to leave because from her standpoint, it is over. I am not sure what "it" is here, everything died long ago.
I just sat there and thought to myself, if I had kept those receipts she would know that I do spent a little bit a month on me - about $50, sometimes $100 a month, which does not seem unreasonable in my mind. But, God seems to have protected me and frustrated her evil desires to justify herself. I was awed and still do wonder what the full implications are, God rarely seems to have me do something weird without a much larger purpose.
For me, over the weekend I had already reconciled myself to knowing I need to sell off virtually everything I own in order to end debt to the US IRS for taxes in 2012 and now what I owe for 2013, end my short term debt I have lived with from father's funeral in 2010, then I need a small van or truck. I do not know if I can raise that kind of money but certainly I can get closer to $0 in debt and have a car to live in at least. Then GG can refinance to a much lower mortgage and go into 2015 able to pay her own way without me.
So apparently I have a goal in 2014, get out of GG's life ...
Sigh ...
Monday, January 13, 2014
In Passing
This post brings me no joy.
Father married eight times. Two of his wives have been favorites of my sister and I. Gwen, whom I showed you a photo of some time back this summer, and Marge, who I really have no good photo's with.
Marge was wife number eight, one of only two father's age (most of them were my age!). They had just celebrated their second anniversary when father's body gave out on him.
Now she too has passed away.
It is with sadness I say this as I had been working on a biography for her of my father's life - with the help of my aunts, something to give her on what would have been their wedding anniversary. And I am at a loss for words.
She had been diagnosed with liver cancer back before Christmas, however she had the will and the money to see a long fight through. I had no question she was going to make it. My children, whom also knew her and stayed in contact with her are equally stunned.
When last we spoke, at Christmas, she was bright and chipper. Everyone thought, "All is well."
And so the first death of someone I cared for, with this new nature fully in control. I barely survived Edvard's death in March - it was only my ability to temporarily shut down that I did make it; I am now without a reaction. I have no words, no witticisms, nothing with which to deflect this pain. A dear lady in my life has died and I am left defenseless against emotion.
All prayers appreciated for her families, all of whom need to make their peace with their creator ...
Father married eight times. Two of his wives have been favorites of my sister and I. Gwen, whom I showed you a photo of some time back this summer, and Marge, who I really have no good photo's with.
Now she too has passed away.
It is with sadness I say this as I had been working on a biography for her of my father's life - with the help of my aunts, something to give her on what would have been their wedding anniversary. And I am at a loss for words.
She had been diagnosed with liver cancer back before Christmas, however she had the will and the money to see a long fight through. I had no question she was going to make it. My children, whom also knew her and stayed in contact with her are equally stunned.
When last we spoke, at Christmas, she was bright and chipper. Everyone thought, "All is well."
And so the first death of someone I cared for, with this new nature fully in control. I barely survived Edvard's death in March - it was only my ability to temporarily shut down that I did make it; I am now without a reaction. I have no words, no witticisms, nothing with which to deflect this pain. A dear lady in my life has died and I am left defenseless against emotion.
All prayers appreciated for her families, all of whom need to make their peace with their creator ...
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Where Is God?
“Night, is a book by Elie Wiesel about his experience in the German
concentration camps. “One day,” writes Wiesel, “as we returned from
work, we saw three gallows… The SS [guards] seemed more preoccupied,
more worried, than usual. To hang a child in front of thousands of
onlookers was not a small matter. The head of the camp read the verdict.
All eyes were on the child. He was pale, almost calm, but he was biting
his lips as he stood in the shadow of the gallows… ‘Where is merciful
God, where is He?’ someone behind me was asking. At the signal, the
three chairs were tipped over… Then came the march past the victims. The
two men were no longer alive… The child, too light, was still
breathing… And so he remained for more than half an hour, lingering
between life and death… Behind me, I heard the same man asking: ‘For
God’s sake, where is God?’ And from within me, I heard a voice answer;
‘Where is He? This is where – hanging here from this gallows…'
Where is God when a child is shot in Newtown or hung in Auschwitz or killed in an American drone air strike or for that matter dies of cancer? I don’t know. There is no answer.
Talk of God giving humans free will and thus allowing us to face the consequences of our choices solves nothing. If the creator could intervene personally when it came to the magic tricks in the Bible like making the sun stand still for a day in a battle, he could have done something about that child gasping out his young life. He didn’t. Theology that tries to paper this horrible fact over with explanations about why there is evil is nothing but nervous blather.
But I take comfort in the fact that sometimes a person of immense courage follows Christ to a cross. Such acts point to a God that had the empathy to share our fate. Sometimes one person’s example gives me hope that following Christ might be the path that leads us out of the hell we’ve made, even if I’ll never know why we’re here in the first place, let alone why God didn’t just make things simpler, better, faster rather than taking the slow path of gradual ethical evolution."
***
If you are Christian, if you deal regularly with the unchurched, sometimes even the churched, you will hear the wail and the anger - because there is no God, because no fair God would allow ...
And how do you answer them?
When I think of my late friend Peter, telling of me of the nun Maria's plight in a Magadan death gulag ...
When I think of the 6.5 million Jews, the 7.5 million Christians executed by my father's Reich ...
When I think of Lenin and his 19 million executions to purify the land ...
When I think of the 30 million Stalin in his paranoia executed ...
When I think of Mao Tse Tung and his 32 million deaths ...
Or Pol Pot ...
Or Rwanda ...
Or Ruby Ridge, Idaho ...
Or Waco, Texas ...
Or the assassination of John F Kennedy ...
Or a record setting typhoon ...
Where is God when the millions, or even the one is crying out in their death rattle?
Where is God in the storm, the waves, the tides, the mass deaths by nature?
How can a fair God ...
And that is the rub, God is not "fair". If he was you would already be dead, as would I.
God is a "just" God, he does what is right, not what is fair.
When we see with human eyes, we are looking for fairness.
When we see with God's eyes, we are looking for justice.
And when we are judging God, we are judging by human standards, not God's standards.
Where is God? Allowing man to trash and destroy His creation, even human life. He has already provided the only standard of measure for life - the ability to stand with Him but acknowledging His son's sacrifice, at human hands.
Where is God in the storm or other natural disaster? Perhaps judging a perverse culture, perhaps destroying false witnesses, perhaps testing the faith of His people, perhaps calling His people home because it is time.
We are not smart enough to know. I can look at a culture dedicated to sexual vice and know God will call them to judgement. I can look at authorities whom are ruthless or corrupt and know that God is going to call them to account for their deeds. I do not know when, I do not know how, but anyone can read Jeremiah or Isaiah in the Bible and see that God has a standard and He was willing to use it even against His own people - to their own destruction! How much more so for a just God, to do the same to _____ (fill in the blank).
We are the creation, not the creator, we can not judge how He uses us, when he uses, where he will use us - we just have to be willing to be used, ready to be used and expect to be used. The problems arise when we say, "Well, God would never work that way!" Really? Maybe you need to study your Bible a little more closely before you side with Western (American) Culture's beliefs about God.
The real God does not cause sin, that does not mean He can not use it to His advantage. The real God does have control of everything and is more than willing to turn Satan loose upon a world unable to recognize much less fight against it without the Holy Spirit's intervention.
Everyday, in the world around you, in your daily life, God is there, God is working. Can you see Him? Can you see His handiwork? Can you show others?
But, if you are not a Christian, well, there is no requirement that God does anything in your life or around you, other than to continually offer you the chance to make your peace with Him - through you acceptance of His son's death as the payment for your doing things your way and not His. And then you get to be held accountable for having followed teachers of the truth ... (hint, we are surrounded by those quite willing to lie to us and mislead us!)
So where is God right now? Calling the hurting, the desperate to look to Him and not theirselves for the answer to their problems. Calling you to account - right now, right here ...
That does not mean you are saved from death or punishment, but it does mean there is a better way from what you knew on this Earth.
Where is God when a child is shot in Newtown or hung in Auschwitz or killed in an American drone air strike or for that matter dies of cancer? I don’t know. There is no answer.
Talk of God giving humans free will and thus allowing us to face the consequences of our choices solves nothing. If the creator could intervene personally when it came to the magic tricks in the Bible like making the sun stand still for a day in a battle, he could have done something about that child gasping out his young life. He didn’t. Theology that tries to paper this horrible fact over with explanations about why there is evil is nothing but nervous blather.
But I take comfort in the fact that sometimes a person of immense courage follows Christ to a cross. Such acts point to a God that had the empathy to share our fate. Sometimes one person’s example gives me hope that following Christ might be the path that leads us out of the hell we’ve made, even if I’ll never know why we’re here in the first place, let alone why God didn’t just make things simpler, better, faster rather than taking the slow path of gradual ethical evolution."
***
If you are Christian, if you deal regularly with the unchurched, sometimes even the churched, you will hear the wail and the anger - because there is no God, because no fair God would allow ...
And how do you answer them?
When I think of my late friend Peter, telling of me of the nun Maria's plight in a Magadan death gulag ...
When I think of the 6.5 million Jews, the 7.5 million Christians executed by my father's Reich ...
When I think of Lenin and his 19 million executions to purify the land ...
When I think of the 30 million Stalin in his paranoia executed ...
When I think of Mao Tse Tung and his 32 million deaths ...
Or Pol Pot ...
Or Rwanda ...
Or Ruby Ridge, Idaho ...
Or Waco, Texas ...
Or the assassination of John F Kennedy ...
Or a record setting typhoon ...
Where is God when the millions, or even the one is crying out in their death rattle?
Where is God in the storm, the waves, the tides, the mass deaths by nature?
How can a fair God ...
And that is the rub, God is not "fair". If he was you would already be dead, as would I.
God is a "just" God, he does what is right, not what is fair.
When we see with human eyes, we are looking for fairness.
When we see with God's eyes, we are looking for justice.
And when we are judging God, we are judging by human standards, not God's standards.
Where is God? Allowing man to trash and destroy His creation, even human life. He has already provided the only standard of measure for life - the ability to stand with Him but acknowledging His son's sacrifice, at human hands.
Where is God in the storm or other natural disaster? Perhaps judging a perverse culture, perhaps destroying false witnesses, perhaps testing the faith of His people, perhaps calling His people home because it is time.
We are not smart enough to know. I can look at a culture dedicated to sexual vice and know God will call them to judgement. I can look at authorities whom are ruthless or corrupt and know that God is going to call them to account for their deeds. I do not know when, I do not know how, but anyone can read Jeremiah or Isaiah in the Bible and see that God has a standard and He was willing to use it even against His own people - to their own destruction! How much more so for a just God, to do the same to _____ (fill in the blank).
We are the creation, not the creator, we can not judge how He uses us, when he uses, where he will use us - we just have to be willing to be used, ready to be used and expect to be used. The problems arise when we say, "Well, God would never work that way!" Really? Maybe you need to study your Bible a little more closely before you side with Western (American) Culture's beliefs about God.
The real God does not cause sin, that does not mean He can not use it to His advantage. The real God does have control of everything and is more than willing to turn Satan loose upon a world unable to recognize much less fight against it without the Holy Spirit's intervention.
Everyday, in the world around you, in your daily life, God is there, God is working. Can you see Him? Can you see His handiwork? Can you show others?
But, if you are not a Christian, well, there is no requirement that God does anything in your life or around you, other than to continually offer you the chance to make your peace with Him - through you acceptance of His son's death as the payment for your doing things your way and not His. And then you get to be held accountable for having followed teachers of the truth ... (hint, we are surrounded by those quite willing to lie to us and mislead us!)
So where is God right now? Calling the hurting, the desperate to look to Him and not theirselves for the answer to their problems. Calling you to account - right now, right here ...
That does not mean you are saved from death or punishment, but it does mean there is a better way from what you knew on this Earth.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Family Mattters
This weekend was might hard on me. My daughter continues to vex me and Satan continues to use every opportunity to hammer me. This time it was on FaceBook.
Apparently she decided to unblock me. Yeah, back in August 2012 she completely cut me out of her life, unfriended me, blocked me, changed emails, changed IDs, etc. Everything she could do to seperate herself from me.
Why even bother to mention this? Well, I do not know what to do! The father in me would run to her, or at least send a message and ask if this was an accident or a first step. This Kris, the one she never knew, whom was born December 29, 2012 - and it was a painful birth!, is completely out of his element here. I have no idea how to begin to address.
I thought to call her mom, but she changed her number and also unfriended me. Yeah, it was a power struggle she won - she kept her daughter's affection at the cost of killing me. So, if daughter took this step, without her mother's knowledge, there is no reason to get her deep with my sister I long to have as my friend again.
And, I promised not to stalk my daughter, and being a man of my word, I will not. But, if she wants to be in contact, I wish she would. If she thinks I hate her for what she did - I do not. If she thinks I could no longer love her, she would be wrong, she is my daughter until the day I die. She simply wastes my life, each day she has been gone.
Then again, I know my body is terribly weakened, Two hospitalizations, 164 heart attacks as of last April, one heart surgery that has not cured the problem. No I know my days are numbered every time I stress about something, every time I am surprised, every time I see a spider ... And I would have her back while I can still make a difference in her life and show her what she never understood.
Yeah, prayer is needed for her, for me, for her mother, for my niece - whom is what keeps me safe, sane and learning how to be human...
Apparently she decided to unblock me. Yeah, back in August 2012 she completely cut me out of her life, unfriended me, blocked me, changed emails, changed IDs, etc. Everything she could do to seperate herself from me.
Why even bother to mention this? Well, I do not know what to do! The father in me would run to her, or at least send a message and ask if this was an accident or a first step. This Kris, the one she never knew, whom was born December 29, 2012 - and it was a painful birth!, is completely out of his element here. I have no idea how to begin to address.
I thought to call her mom, but she changed her number and also unfriended me. Yeah, it was a power struggle she won - she kept her daughter's affection at the cost of killing me. So, if daughter took this step, without her mother's knowledge, there is no reason to get her deep with my sister I long to have as my friend again.
And, I promised not to stalk my daughter, and being a man of my word, I will not. But, if she wants to be in contact, I wish she would. If she thinks I hate her for what she did - I do not. If she thinks I could no longer love her, she would be wrong, she is my daughter until the day I die. She simply wastes my life, each day she has been gone.
Then again, I know my body is terribly weakened, Two hospitalizations, 164 heart attacks as of last April, one heart surgery that has not cured the problem. No I know my days are numbered every time I stress about something, every time I am surprised, every time I see a spider ... And I would have her back while I can still make a difference in her life and show her what she never understood.
Yeah, prayer is needed for her, for me, for her mother, for my niece - whom is what keeps me safe, sane and learning how to be human...
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Redo?
Do you ever face a situation and wonder, " What is God trying to tell me here? " ?
As some of you know, I adopted four Russian orphans back in the 1990's, whom are now all adults, some with their own families now.
God led me to try and help the daughter of a friend, and well , yeah, that one went very badly. Though the book is not closed, except in her mind.
Then God brought my "niece" along and she accomplished what daughter tried to do. I am so terribly proud of her.
Yet, before all of them was a young Welsh girl whom came to me for help and legally there was nothing I could to help her other than be a mentor, much as I did with daughter in her earlier years. And, she faded away into the black hole of culture, so adept at consuming innocence.
And tonight, I had a message from her on facebook, asking if I would be willing to meet with her ..... Is this a redo from God? A chance to correct a mistake I may have made decades ago by not filling in for her one (mostly missing) parent? I felt tremendous guilt at the time because I did the "right thing" and rebuffed her approaches, turned her to other women in the church, asked for prayer and did what I thought was right. But, what happens when all drop the ball? It happened to her, it happened to my daughter, it happened to my niece.
When the family fails, when the church fails, when the individual believer fails - someone has to pick up the pieces and it will either be an ill prepared servant trying to do the right thing or someone from the culture preying upon the young.
She is a part of the burden I have carried for decades. The knowledge I could have at least tried but allowed others to talk me out of a Christian duty which then went unanswered by anyone.
Of course, now that I think on it, I had just been shafted by a foster child, when this Welsh girl came along. So, it was a might easy to not do the right thing. Just as daughter played with my head and made it easy not to do the right thing for my niece....
I can still see the torment in my niece's eyes as she tried to express her frustrations to me/ with me - when I knew all along but had done nothing and that was wrong of me.
Perhaps something the Christian Church needs to relearn, as I did: if you can not make yourself vulnerable - at risk - for others, then you never will reach the lost and hurting. You and your faith have just become worthless.....
As some of you know, I adopted four Russian orphans back in the 1990's, whom are now all adults, some with their own families now.
God led me to try and help the daughter of a friend, and well , yeah, that one went very badly. Though the book is not closed, except in her mind.
Then God brought my "niece" along and she accomplished what daughter tried to do. I am so terribly proud of her.
Yet, before all of them was a young Welsh girl whom came to me for help and legally there was nothing I could to help her other than be a mentor, much as I did with daughter in her earlier years. And, she faded away into the black hole of culture, so adept at consuming innocence.
And tonight, I had a message from her on facebook, asking if I would be willing to meet with her ..... Is this a redo from God? A chance to correct a mistake I may have made decades ago by not filling in for her one (mostly missing) parent? I felt tremendous guilt at the time because I did the "right thing" and rebuffed her approaches, turned her to other women in the church, asked for prayer and did what I thought was right. But, what happens when all drop the ball? It happened to her, it happened to my daughter, it happened to my niece.
When the family fails, when the church fails, when the individual believer fails - someone has to pick up the pieces and it will either be an ill prepared servant trying to do the right thing or someone from the culture preying upon the young.
She is a part of the burden I have carried for decades. The knowledge I could have at least tried but allowed others to talk me out of a Christian duty which then went unanswered by anyone.
Of course, now that I think on it, I had just been shafted by a foster child, when this Welsh girl came along. So, it was a might easy to not do the right thing. Just as daughter played with my head and made it easy not to do the right thing for my niece....
I can still see the torment in my niece's eyes as she tried to express her frustrations to me/ with me - when I knew all along but had done nothing and that was wrong of me.
Perhaps something the Christian Church needs to relearn, as I did: if you can not make yourself vulnerable - at risk - for others, then you never will reach the lost and hurting. You and your faith have just become worthless.....
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Emotional Survey
Pretty much all you have read for the past six days was written last Monday, I had been foretold to expect change and so I did all of my little tasks and waited.
No one of us could have guessed that Edvard would be taken home that very afternoon, a week later I still sit here stunned. It is a mute point to use platitudes such as he is in a better place - yes, he is. But.....
So, Monday - Aunt Elly has a major stroke
an hour later Ed drops dead.
I actually have no emotional response to either incident.
Tuesday - a woman drop dead right in front of me on my walk, she was gone before she hit the ground.
again, no emotional response.
Wednesday - I posted my good bye to Gaelic Girl, and mourned the death within me.
Thursday - my friend was having problems.
Friday - Edvard's funeral, a hard time for the little family remaining.
Saturday - Swedish Rocket Scientist called me first thing to give me a piece of his mind concerning GG's departure.
I know he is suffering his brother's loss and lashing out at those closest. His words still stung.
I also know of his multi-decade attraction to her. (darn discernment!)
Sunday - God gave me an idea of how to help my friend, you will get to see it tomorrow on this same Bat Channel.
Monday - my first nightmare ever.
I set aside some time to help my friend and commit to do so long term.
Across seven days, I have encountered these emotions for the first time:
I was a genetic sociopath, given a emotion last May, which it took me three weeks to lock away. It re-appeared in December, this time as a mature calming influence and I have operated with both natures since then, up until Wednesday, when emotional me had to be in control as GG left my life. Bullet to the brain I tell you. And if my very nature has been changed, then does that mean my genetics have as well? We will know in two weeks, when a test i had done at the hospital today shows yeah or nay on that one. I stand ready to be amazed....
So, change continues to be in the air and honestly I have no clue where anything ends up anymore. Oh yeah, God is still talking to me and telling me what to do, and I obey, but I am now satisfied to not need explanations from Him any-longer. And so, I wondered, does this new nature still have the gifts, God has given me? In the past it was thought this was to protect me. So? And yes, they are still there, quietly guiding, quietly supporting, through a work of much delicacy I am performing. Will they now continue to guide and protect? I am interested to see and to know.
To my long term readers, welcome to my new world, where nothing is as it seems ..... and faith is the only stepping stone forward. I really wish I could see 1, 2 and 3 years ahead, it would make all so much easier for me to know how to turn, how to lead, how to follow, what to do with absolute authority.
Welcome to humanity Kris, you seem to have arrived.....
Yeah, anxiety mixed with just a touch of fear.
No one of us could have guessed that Edvard would be taken home that very afternoon, a week later I still sit here stunned. It is a mute point to use platitudes such as he is in a better place - yes, he is. But.....
So, Monday - Aunt Elly has a major stroke
an hour later Ed drops dead.
I actually have no emotional response to either incident.
Tuesday - a woman drop dead right in front of me on my walk, she was gone before she hit the ground.
again, no emotional response.
Wednesday - I posted my good bye to Gaelic Girl, and mourned the death within me.
Thursday - my friend was having problems.
Friday - Edvard's funeral, a hard time for the little family remaining.
Saturday - Swedish Rocket Scientist called me first thing to give me a piece of his mind concerning GG's departure.
I know he is suffering his brother's loss and lashing out at those closest. His words still stung.
I also know of his multi-decade attraction to her. (darn discernment!)
Sunday - God gave me an idea of how to help my friend, you will get to see it tomorrow on this same Bat Channel.
Monday - my first nightmare ever.
I set aside some time to help my friend and commit to do so long term.
Across seven days, I have encountered these emotions for the first time:
- Anger
- Compassion
- Fear
- Joy
- Loss
- Need
- Pain
- Remorse
- Resentment
I was a genetic sociopath, given a emotion last May, which it took me three weeks to lock away. It re-appeared in December, this time as a mature calming influence and I have operated with both natures since then, up until Wednesday, when emotional me had to be in control as GG left my life. Bullet to the brain I tell you. And if my very nature has been changed, then does that mean my genetics have as well? We will know in two weeks, when a test i had done at the hospital today shows yeah or nay on that one. I stand ready to be amazed....
So, change continues to be in the air and honestly I have no clue where anything ends up anymore. Oh yeah, God is still talking to me and telling me what to do, and I obey, but I am now satisfied to not need explanations from Him any-longer. And so, I wondered, does this new nature still have the gifts, God has given me? In the past it was thought this was to protect me. So? And yes, they are still there, quietly guiding, quietly supporting, through a work of much delicacy I am performing. Will they now continue to guide and protect? I am interested to see and to know.
To my long term readers, welcome to my new world, where nothing is as it seems ..... and faith is the only stepping stone forward. I really wish I could see 1, 2 and 3 years ahead, it would make all so much easier for me to know how to turn, how to lead, how to follow, what to do with absolute authority.
Welcome to humanity Kris, you seem to have arrived.....
Yeah, anxiety mixed with just a touch of fear.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Fully Aware
God had warned me what last week was going to be like, so I pre-wrote the posts for the entire week. I knew I would be unable gather my thoughts. I had a pretty good idea what was coming and prepared to be betrayed - there was just no way I could have suspected how it was to play out and that poor battered single emotion took the hit like a bullet to the brain. Oh God last week was bad. And I so need my friend but alas that was not to be possible.
So pastor, bless his dear heart, decided to tell Gaelic Girl the substance of my 5th pastoral review. Thank you for the integrity you have shown there guy! No he still does not believe the tale but he thought it important she know what the gossip was. As I have commented before, man's logic - not God's wisdom again played out by him. Interestingly, his story ended far different than reality was. So different that I had to wonder if he had become confused or if the head of the elder board decided to ad lib my rebuke for insisting on continuing to pray for my estranged daughter. Very interesting and honestly, I don't care anymore.
Given ammunition, GG was all over me for 3 days straight, when she was home. It was ugly, uglier than anything I have ever experienced in my life and God would not allow my walls up. Apparently, Kris had to learn about emotional pain.
Her complaints are like shaving cream, but I was right, this all dated back to the fall of 2009 and winter of 2010, when Lucinda was staying with me. She was angered that I would allow Lucinda to help clean in the kitchen, prepare meals, etc. To me it was not like anyone else was going to help! And help is always appreciated. But, GG can not understand that. New Daughter doing much the same in the winter of 2012 was the end of all to GG. The final betrayal. The end of trust.
My fault was not understanding and already knowing she was leaving our life of ministry we had shared for 35 years. And so on February 24th I can mark the notch of the end of the longest friendship in my life. It is with great remorse for I had hoped that she would return to whom she was, but that is not reality it seems. I also got uninvited to her next therapy session today. To bad, I could given that lady an earful!
And so, I was forced to implement what I had promised my new friend I would do, I just did not understand how soon it would be! I expected months, I got one week. So, left footed, I have begun the transition to a new path, as the old one grows narrow and comes to an end. And that new path - I really know nothing of. Starting afresh is so very, very odd.
I no longer know if my daughter's return is on this path, that trip to the southern hemisphere I actually relish, or ????? I know nothing at this point other than I am going to need time to heal.
Your prayers are sought.
So pastor, bless his dear heart, decided to tell Gaelic Girl the substance of my 5th pastoral review. Thank you for the integrity you have shown there guy! No he still does not believe the tale but he thought it important she know what the gossip was. As I have commented before, man's logic - not God's wisdom again played out by him. Interestingly, his story ended far different than reality was. So different that I had to wonder if he had become confused or if the head of the elder board decided to ad lib my rebuke for insisting on continuing to pray for my estranged daughter. Very interesting and honestly, I don't care anymore.
Given ammunition, GG was all over me for 3 days straight, when she was home. It was ugly, uglier than anything I have ever experienced in my life and God would not allow my walls up. Apparently, Kris had to learn about emotional pain.
Her complaints are like shaving cream, but I was right, this all dated back to the fall of 2009 and winter of 2010, when Lucinda was staying with me. She was angered that I would allow Lucinda to help clean in the kitchen, prepare meals, etc. To me it was not like anyone else was going to help! And help is always appreciated. But, GG can not understand that. New Daughter doing much the same in the winter of 2012 was the end of all to GG. The final betrayal. The end of trust.
My fault was not understanding and already knowing she was leaving our life of ministry we had shared for 35 years. And so on February 24th I can mark the notch of the end of the longest friendship in my life. It is with great remorse for I had hoped that she would return to whom she was, but that is not reality it seems. I also got uninvited to her next therapy session today. To bad, I could given that lady an earful!
And so, I was forced to implement what I had promised my new friend I would do, I just did not understand how soon it would be! I expected months, I got one week. So, left footed, I have begun the transition to a new path, as the old one grows narrow and comes to an end. And that new path - I really know nothing of. Starting afresh is so very, very odd.
I no longer know if my daughter's return is on this path, that trip to the southern hemisphere I actually relish, or ????? I know nothing at this point other than I am going to need time to heal.
Your prayers are sought.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Loss of a Friend
Where evil reigns, there can be no innocence. There is only to be found the sounds of the damaged, consumed by the evil which has overcome them.
Yeah, it was quite a holiday yesterday.....
So, Gaelic Girl asked me to go with her to see her therapist, I figured maybe the therapist wanted an outside opinion or observation, boy was I ever wrong!
Straight out of the box it started off with a tag team event, Kris vs Them, a one bout round over Yesfir - which rather quickly degraded.
So, roll the clock back to 2010 and I am not so sure that I ever told the tale of helping a woman by the name of Lucinda. She had cancer, was dying and needed surgery but was too weak for it. So, I took her on and cooked my little heart out making that woman gain weight, start doing some walking and getting her physically, mentally and emotionally able to take the surgery. At the end of six months she had done this and then moved in with her daughter across the country following the surgery. Apparently, I an suspected of having had an affair with this woman by GG!
I can guaranteed you that Kris has never had an affair, ever.
And it continued with GG in full paranoia mode of my list of conquests. I was sickened. Apparently, Kris has never done anything which was not sexually motivated. In GG's mind I am my father. I never would have guessed that GG's mind had degraded to such a level. Nothing in trust, nothing in transparency, nothing in love, nothing in truth, nothing remains of the woman whom has spent decades in the ministry with me. What I thought were aberrational years, that she would get over, instead were the end of the friendship.
The final comment from her I can remember was that she was going to go the pastor to hear what really went on during my last pastoral review.....
I held my calm through all of the attacks which continued until almost midnight, when sleep made my ears shut to the words of acid being poured over me.
Today, with shock, I get to try and figure out how to mitigate life with this new knowledge. You see, it never was about Lucinda or Yesfir, at one point in her rage she even said it was over my financial condition for the past three years. In her mind, that appears to have been God's judgement on me and all of which has followed in her mind only validates my sinful state ......
Yeah, it was quite a holiday yesterday.....
So, Gaelic Girl asked me to go with her to see her therapist, I figured maybe the therapist wanted an outside opinion or observation, boy was I ever wrong!
Straight out of the box it started off with a tag team event, Kris vs Them, a one bout round over Yesfir - which rather quickly degraded.
So, roll the clock back to 2010 and I am not so sure that I ever told the tale of helping a woman by the name of Lucinda. She had cancer, was dying and needed surgery but was too weak for it. So, I took her on and cooked my little heart out making that woman gain weight, start doing some walking and getting her physically, mentally and emotionally able to take the surgery. At the end of six months she had done this and then moved in with her daughter across the country following the surgery. Apparently, I an suspected of having had an affair with this woman by GG!
I can guaranteed you that Kris has never had an affair, ever.
And it continued with GG in full paranoia mode of my list of conquests. I was sickened. Apparently, Kris has never done anything which was not sexually motivated. In GG's mind I am my father. I never would have guessed that GG's mind had degraded to such a level. Nothing in trust, nothing in transparency, nothing in love, nothing in truth, nothing remains of the woman whom has spent decades in the ministry with me. What I thought were aberrational years, that she would get over, instead were the end of the friendship.
The final comment from her I can remember was that she was going to go the pastor to hear what really went on during my last pastoral review.....
I held my calm through all of the attacks which continued until almost midnight, when sleep made my ears shut to the words of acid being poured over me.
Today, with shock, I get to try and figure out how to mitigate life with this new knowledge. You see, it never was about Lucinda or Yesfir, at one point in her rage she even said it was over my financial condition for the past three years. In her mind, that appears to have been God's judgement on me and all of which has followed in her mind only validates my sinful state ......
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Happily Flattened
Ah, the joys of muscle relaxants ..... Seems yesterday's auto accident left me with a bruised collar bone, both knees, left shoulder, sprained neck and back. Sigh ..... And I had been getting myself off of meds at night. Oh well.
I took my friend, of two months, to lunch yesterday. I needed to know that there was someone whom actually cared about me, not the car, not the money, not to make them a meal, or work on plumbing, etc. I needed, for me .....
Do you know how rare that is? Like perhaps the first time in my adult life, well and with a newborn emotion, I guess that is reasonable. And my friend, I knew would be the only one whom could help with the turmoil throughout my being.
I needed someone whom wanted to talk with me, literally someone to tell me that it would all work out, and had they of told me to pack for that long walk I would have. I have no fear of a future begun at zero and with a friend at my side, well that is more than many have. I only see chaos and destruction around me here, more and more I recognize all that I have known to have just been a series of takers and users - sucking me dry of everything there was and now embittered there is nothing left - save for my blood. I think myself mad when all around me are calling evil - good and good - evil. Deeds no longer matter, the appearance does, and that is relative to them and their decisions, reality plays no part any longer.
And yet, God is still answering my prayers, He is still leading me towards a path I have no clue as to how to not to fail myself as I step forward. It contradicts even whom I have been. And evil will be thought of me and I have no understanding as to how this accomplishes something! Why not just walk away now? Indeed.
So, my friend turned me on to Portlandia. Are you familiar with this? OMG it is hilarious! It perked my spirits right up because they so easily portray those in Portland, Oregon but also take it to the next absurd level! This clip is of a song number, not the comedy sketches, but it is so Portlandian that you will have to laugh!
http://youtu.be/1mWRAhy1dcw
When you see the heavily tattooed red-haired dude, just know that I spent Monday with him and his charming wife, actually in Portlandia at a birthday party for one of "my" boys from back in 1977! Of course, he has lost the beard now but yeah, I recognized him right off! And I had to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Two hours of this have really raised my spirits.
And so, my Dear Friend, your first official recognition in Bloglandia. And my impish nature likes not saying anymore about you - other than you make me laugh.
I took my friend, of two months, to lunch yesterday. I needed to know that there was someone whom actually cared about me, not the car, not the money, not to make them a meal, or work on plumbing, etc. I needed, for me .....
Do you know how rare that is? Like perhaps the first time in my adult life, well and with a newborn emotion, I guess that is reasonable. And my friend, I knew would be the only one whom could help with the turmoil throughout my being.
I needed someone whom wanted to talk with me, literally someone to tell me that it would all work out, and had they of told me to pack for that long walk I would have. I have no fear of a future begun at zero and with a friend at my side, well that is more than many have. I only see chaos and destruction around me here, more and more I recognize all that I have known to have just been a series of takers and users - sucking me dry of everything there was and now embittered there is nothing left - save for my blood. I think myself mad when all around me are calling evil - good and good - evil. Deeds no longer matter, the appearance does, and that is relative to them and their decisions, reality plays no part any longer.
And yet, God is still answering my prayers, He is still leading me towards a path I have no clue as to how to not to fail myself as I step forward. It contradicts even whom I have been. And evil will be thought of me and I have no understanding as to how this accomplishes something! Why not just walk away now? Indeed.
So, my friend turned me on to Portlandia. Are you familiar with this? OMG it is hilarious! It perked my spirits right up because they so easily portray those in Portland, Oregon but also take it to the next absurd level! This clip is of a song number, not the comedy sketches, but it is so Portlandian that you will have to laugh!
http://youtu.be/1mWRAhy1dcw
When you see the heavily tattooed red-haired dude, just know that I spent Monday with him and his charming wife, actually in Portlandia at a birthday party for one of "my" boys from back in 1977! Of course, he has lost the beard now but yeah, I recognized him right off! And I had to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Two hours of this have really raised my spirits.
And so, my Dear Friend, your first official recognition in Bloglandia. And my impish nature likes not saying anymore about you - other than you make me laugh.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Where is God?
As I have mentioned, this is the worse year of my life and in one way the best year of my life. I have lost a huge percent of my friends through death (cancer and old age), I have lost a daughter, alienated almost all of my living friends and my family, gone through a host of injuries, two heart attacks and from my viewpoint - failed God at what should have been a simple task with an odd twist to it. And yes, I have asked where God is. He is the power of this creation and yet quietly has been happy to see me do the best I can and pay a very great price for it. He could blink, and all of it could have been so easily avoided.....
But, that was not the path he chose for me or those journeying along my path. And I have grieved, not for myself, but for the loss of friends, family and choices my children have made this year. So, where was God?
Jesus certainly understood grief. He got to see His people turn on Him and kill Him. He had plenty of opportunities to understand grief - somewhere along the line He lost his grandparents and his father. And in John 11:28-37 we have the loss of a close friend......
The problem of suffering is that we view ourselves as being Job. Life (God) has dumped on us, we are innocent, no one will sympathize, so just curse God and die - right? For better or worse, Job did have some friends whom came and sat with him. He had a wife that needed muzzled, well maybe most of his friends too! But, no one did understand. No one really knew what to say, or what they did was inappropriate to the situation.
Yeah, the last thing you really need when you are in pain are those around you whom would help by trying to minimize your pain - "well, at least ....."! Having someone explain how God works is really a bad idea - since we do not really understand the how or why's of God's work in our lives - except in retrospect. And don't you just love it when someone offers you worn out cliche's as salve for your wounds? Yeah, all of Job's friends forgot that his situation was not about them or their comfort - it was about him and his pain.
Back to John's narrative of Jesus, He was moved or troubled in verse 33 at the death of His friend. Anger, or He was mad at the situation. Our anger should be towards death, for it is an unnatural occurrence in our lives. And, the sin, which has brought death into existence in our lives.
And Jesus wept. In verse 35 He cried and in verse 36, He was seen crying. Yeah, real men do cry. We know that David cried, as did all of the prophets and disciples as well. It is okay to show emotion (unless you are me! LOL!). And to that end we need to accept and be real with our emotions at least around those we love.
So, where is God when I hurt? Waiting for me to turn to Him for comfort. Assuming of course that I was not the reason for the problem in the first place! In which case, I need to work on my failure instead of wasting time weeping over my plight......
But, that was not the path he chose for me or those journeying along my path. And I have grieved, not for myself, but for the loss of friends, family and choices my children have made this year. So, where was God?
Jesus certainly understood grief. He got to see His people turn on Him and kill Him. He had plenty of opportunities to understand grief - somewhere along the line He lost his grandparents and his father. And in John 11:28-37 we have the loss of a close friend......
The problem of suffering is that we view ourselves as being Job. Life (God) has dumped on us, we are innocent, no one will sympathize, so just curse God and die - right? For better or worse, Job did have some friends whom came and sat with him. He had a wife that needed muzzled, well maybe most of his friends too! But, no one did understand. No one really knew what to say, or what they did was inappropriate to the situation.
Yeah, the last thing you really need when you are in pain are those around you whom would help by trying to minimize your pain - "well, at least ....."! Having someone explain how God works is really a bad idea - since we do not really understand the how or why's of God's work in our lives - except in retrospect. And don't you just love it when someone offers you worn out cliche's as salve for your wounds? Yeah, all of Job's friends forgot that his situation was not about them or their comfort - it was about him and his pain.
Back to John's narrative of Jesus, He was moved or troubled in verse 33 at the death of His friend. Anger, or He was mad at the situation. Our anger should be towards death, for it is an unnatural occurrence in our lives. And, the sin, which has brought death into existence in our lives.
And Jesus wept. In verse 35 He cried and in verse 36, He was seen crying. Yeah, real men do cry. We know that David cried, as did all of the prophets and disciples as well. It is okay to show emotion (unless you are me! LOL!). And to that end we need to accept and be real with our emotions at least around those we love.
So, where is God when I hurt? Waiting for me to turn to Him for comfort. Assuming of course that I was not the reason for the problem in the first place! In which case, I need to work on my failure instead of wasting time weeping over my plight......
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Satan Continues the Attack
So, it seems Satan is not done with me yet and continues his attack against me! Yeah, as if this is not already the worst year of my life, no he has now used my estranged daughter to attack from within my church.
The day after she had ducked having to talk with me four times, since our paths kept crossing, and the day before she left with her mother to return home - she filed formal charges against me with one of the pastors. Yeah. I only just heard about this, this morning and so get to meet with the pastor this afternoon to discuss whether or not I should continue to teach any of the Sunday Schools. Yeah.
Thirty-eight years ago I began teaching high schoolers, teaching is decidedly one of my gifts and because of estranged daughter - well yeah.....
So, already the worse year of my life, my estranged daughter whom I still love as such - and am not being freed of by God - has gone for the gold ring it seems. Her gossip and slander campaign began at the beginning of this month, resulting in a host of unfriendings and blockings on FaceBook by women in the church, people avoiding me at services, ETC!
Yeah, I know it is not personal, I know that it is really Satan using my daughter against me. He was able to turn that fresh Christian baby to do his bidding. You probably have no idea the sorrow this brings me. How can I free her when her mother is empowering her in this rebellion? My only weapon left is prayer and lots of it!
She desperately needs your intercessory prayers..... Yeah, she is my daughter.
So, meeting over. Net result is that daughter is in need of a tremendous amount of prayer. And I have more praying now than before for her.
That is how my God works.....
The day after she had ducked having to talk with me four times, since our paths kept crossing, and the day before she left with her mother to return home - she filed formal charges against me with one of the pastors. Yeah. I only just heard about this, this morning and so get to meet with the pastor this afternoon to discuss whether or not I should continue to teach any of the Sunday Schools. Yeah.
Thirty-eight years ago I began teaching high schoolers, teaching is decidedly one of my gifts and because of estranged daughter - well yeah.....
So, already the worse year of my life, my estranged daughter whom I still love as such - and am not being freed of by God - has gone for the gold ring it seems. Her gossip and slander campaign began at the beginning of this month, resulting in a host of unfriendings and blockings on FaceBook by women in the church, people avoiding me at services, ETC!
Yeah, I know it is not personal, I know that it is really Satan using my daughter against me. He was able to turn that fresh Christian baby to do his bidding. You probably have no idea the sorrow this brings me. How can I free her when her mother is empowering her in this rebellion? My only weapon left is prayer and lots of it!
She desperately needs your intercessory prayers..... Yeah, she is my daughter.
So, meeting over. Net result is that daughter is in need of a tremendous amount of prayer. And I have more praying now than before for her.
That is how my God works.....
Saturday, August 18, 2012
The Five Stages of Grief
The five of grief: stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order.
Denial
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing the loss. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one whom is gone, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?
Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one is gone. Suddenly you have a structure – - your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.
Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the problem sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved left. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
And I continue to pray against those whom have taken you from me and for your restoration.......
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Lessons Observed
Apparently I never am to understand what happened from her perspective. It is obvious she has terminated our relationship, I am down a daughter, and yet God is still telling me to stand on what I know. Don't you just love opposites, when you are the one caught in the middle?
Outside of this blog, where I voice my thoughts, I am pretty quiet on this whole matter. I do not wish to embarrass her nor get either of us into a: he said - she said situation. She is still very much my daughter in my heart and thus it seems it shall remain.
However, my friends - what are left of them, do know the problem and that is about it. I am pretty sure the only one praying for Kris and a resolution to this situation has been me. I might be the only one that cares, but then that was true eight months ago was well.
My minor heart attack was probably predictable. No one to talk to, too much stress, and prayer my only outlet. Then yesterday, when I was at school, I was called into administration and sent to see the counselor. Yeah, Kris is apparently that obviously in need. So I trooped in, met a nice lady and now what? I could "play" this as I do all things, calculating what my responses are to be and appear normal - or - I can be honest and communicate that I am beyond my ability to deal with this emotion.
It seemed like ten minutes, it was over two hours. Lord how I pity that woman, she sure got an ear full. And her advice? The typical soothing words of the world - I know them all, I was trained in counseling as a part of how to make dysfunctional projects learn how to work together. But, at least she was the first human being in three weeks I could actually talk to about this heartbreak in my life.
As I walked out, having now missed my second class of the day, a single word came to mind, "unhealthy". It was the same word I had penned months ago concerning our relationship - it was unhealthy. But, lacking the experience in dealing with an emotional female, I had no idea how to respond. So, I did what I thought it was she needed, that did not approach any level of sin. If I was not sinning and she was getting whatever it was emotionally she needed for healing, then I had to be on the right track, right? Apparently not. Or perhaps I was right on track and that is what got to her. So, what was unhealthy? An environment where only one person would talk with her, interact with her, love her. I think most human beings would not fair well. This is only a guess, but from her perspective, she found she was in love with a guy old enough to be her grandfather. And, that was fine as far as I was concerned, nothing was ever going to happen. And yet, somewhere between the two situations, she shut down.
Back home, it seemed word had gotten around about my hospital stay over. I had many calls from members of the wedding party back in Ohio. People I barely know called and wished me well. People I expect to never see again. Contrast this with my "friends", oh yeah, the ones whom cut out of my life because I dared to reach out and obey God, as well as, my family and church family - whom express concern but there is no love. Stark contrast. Then Timothy's step father called, whom I have seen maybe three times in my life and barely ever spoken to - to pray with me, over the phone, for healing and a restoration to "health". Yeah that concept again.
I dreamt on Galatians last night in bed. I had been reading it when I passed out from the meds. I do not think I made it past chapter one but it kept rolling over and over in my mind until I saw, what I think happened in her mind. No I am not going to address this with her, I foresaw this on the 24th and posted on it on the 25th (least dear daughter you also think me liar, again), that is why she is staying away. It is enough for me to now know and understand - and God is the one whom will have to address this one with her. It will be a hard road for her to follow to reach where she could be by picking up the phone. But self perspective is hard to fight and one can really foul up ones path by it - cause you can make choices which will make it darn hard to make the right choice later on. But then, we have discussed that one before.
As for me? I think I can step forward now to some level of normality again. Yes, all of my protective walls are back up - I dropped them only for her, I thought I was now free to live without them - but if she is not going to be around, then why let others see whom I really am? I apparently am to continue to work towards the vision she and I shared, though alone for now. Will I continue with youth work? I have set a condition before God if He wants me to continue, no it does not involve my daughter. And I am more certain than ever I will never, ever, reach out to another human being again - as I did with her..... And once again, the happy clown Kris is back, making people laugh and very, very, dead on the inside.
Outside of this blog, where I voice my thoughts, I am pretty quiet on this whole matter. I do not wish to embarrass her nor get either of us into a: he said - she said situation. She is still very much my daughter in my heart and thus it seems it shall remain.
However, my friends - what are left of them, do know the problem and that is about it. I am pretty sure the only one praying for Kris and a resolution to this situation has been me. I might be the only one that cares, but then that was true eight months ago was well.
My minor heart attack was probably predictable. No one to talk to, too much stress, and prayer my only outlet. Then yesterday, when I was at school, I was called into administration and sent to see the counselor. Yeah, Kris is apparently that obviously in need. So I trooped in, met a nice lady and now what? I could "play" this as I do all things, calculating what my responses are to be and appear normal - or - I can be honest and communicate that I am beyond my ability to deal with this emotion.
It seemed like ten minutes, it was over two hours. Lord how I pity that woman, she sure got an ear full. And her advice? The typical soothing words of the world - I know them all, I was trained in counseling as a part of how to make dysfunctional projects learn how to work together. But, at least she was the first human being in three weeks I could actually talk to about this heartbreak in my life.
As I walked out, having now missed my second class of the day, a single word came to mind, "unhealthy". It was the same word I had penned months ago concerning our relationship - it was unhealthy. But, lacking the experience in dealing with an emotional female, I had no idea how to respond. So, I did what I thought it was she needed, that did not approach any level of sin. If I was not sinning and she was getting whatever it was emotionally she needed for healing, then I had to be on the right track, right? Apparently not. Or perhaps I was right on track and that is what got to her. So, what was unhealthy? An environment where only one person would talk with her, interact with her, love her. I think most human beings would not fair well. This is only a guess, but from her perspective, she found she was in love with a guy old enough to be her grandfather. And, that was fine as far as I was concerned, nothing was ever going to happen. And yet, somewhere between the two situations, she shut down.
Back home, it seemed word had gotten around about my hospital stay over. I had many calls from members of the wedding party back in Ohio. People I barely know called and wished me well. People I expect to never see again. Contrast this with my "friends", oh yeah, the ones whom cut out of my life because I dared to reach out and obey God, as well as, my family and church family - whom express concern but there is no love. Stark contrast. Then Timothy's step father called, whom I have seen maybe three times in my life and barely ever spoken to - to pray with me, over the phone, for healing and a restoration to "health". Yeah that concept again.
I dreamt on Galatians last night in bed. I had been reading it when I passed out from the meds. I do not think I made it past chapter one but it kept rolling over and over in my mind until I saw, what I think happened in her mind. No I am not going to address this with her, I foresaw this on the 24th and posted on it on the 25th (least dear daughter you also think me liar, again), that is why she is staying away. It is enough for me to now know and understand - and God is the one whom will have to address this one with her. It will be a hard road for her to follow to reach where she could be by picking up the phone. But self perspective is hard to fight and one can really foul up ones path by it - cause you can make choices which will make it darn hard to make the right choice later on. But then, we have discussed that one before.
As for me? I think I can step forward now to some level of normality again. Yes, all of my protective walls are back up - I dropped them only for her, I thought I was now free to live without them - but if she is not going to be around, then why let others see whom I really am? I apparently am to continue to work towards the vision she and I shared, though alone for now. Will I continue with youth work? I have set a condition before God if He wants me to continue, no it does not involve my daughter. And I am more certain than ever I will never, ever, reach out to another human being again - as I did with her..... And once again, the happy clown Kris is back, making people laugh and very, very, dead on the inside.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
John 8:1-11
You know this really is an intriguing episode in Jesus' life. There are lots of goodies to take away from it and apply to your life, but today I am thinking about my son and of course his sins which have brought him to the point where he is expected to be moving out this weekend. (No idea if that will actually happen, but he has been told there is no more grace.....)
If you, my reader, are a Christian - then you can understand the idea that everyone of us has a past. That past is composed of sin and it may well be those sins which put you on the road to finding Jesus, learning about his payment for that sin and making peace with your Creator.
And whether you are a failing Christian (such as my son) or still looking for "something" to fill that hollowness within, it is heartening to know that every sinner has a future!
We are each to see ourselves in this woman brought before Jesus for condemnation. I see myself in my son's rebellion to God. I am just as guilty of rebellion against God as this woman was. And where I find it so hard to have finally drawn that line in the sand - which son so quickly crossed over I still can not believe it! But, Youngest Daughter has never been known to lie, so I know he really did beat his girlfriend in front of our house.
Each of us grades our own sins on a curve. Well my sin can not be anywhere near as bad as yours! Sin can not be minimized. A white lie is as bad as stealing, which is as bad as murder, which is as bad as adultery, etc. So from God's perspective, what son has done is no worse than what this woman brought before Jesus has done and no worse than anything I have done (even if I believe that hitting a woman is about as low as you can get!). We can not compare our sins to another's! If you want to do comparisons - you have to compare your holiness with God's holiness! Yeah the "curve" disappears when we allow God in the picture.....
Jesus told this woman to sin no more. In doing so He acknowledges that she did wrong, he offers hope for her future and offers forgiveness.
I am not sure my son will be able to see forgiveness in my pushing him out into the real world, but if he is to grow up and have a future - it obviously will not be living here and not learning his lessons the easy way. Some things really crack one's heart.
If you, my reader, are a Christian - then you can understand the idea that everyone of us has a past. That past is composed of sin and it may well be those sins which put you on the road to finding Jesus, learning about his payment for that sin and making peace with your Creator.
And whether you are a failing Christian (such as my son) or still looking for "something" to fill that hollowness within, it is heartening to know that every sinner has a future!
We are each to see ourselves in this woman brought before Jesus for condemnation. I see myself in my son's rebellion to God. I am just as guilty of rebellion against God as this woman was. And where I find it so hard to have finally drawn that line in the sand - which son so quickly crossed over I still can not believe it! But, Youngest Daughter has never been known to lie, so I know he really did beat his girlfriend in front of our house.
Each of us grades our own sins on a curve. Well my sin can not be anywhere near as bad as yours! Sin can not be minimized. A white lie is as bad as stealing, which is as bad as murder, which is as bad as adultery, etc. So from God's perspective, what son has done is no worse than what this woman brought before Jesus has done and no worse than anything I have done (even if I believe that hitting a woman is about as low as you can get!). We can not compare our sins to another's! If you want to do comparisons - you have to compare your holiness with God's holiness! Yeah the "curve" disappears when we allow God in the picture.....
Jesus told this woman to sin no more. In doing so He acknowledges that she did wrong, he offers hope for her future and offers forgiveness.
I am not sure my son will be able to see forgiveness in my pushing him out into the real world, but if he is to grow up and have a future - it obviously will not be living here and not learning his lessons the easy way. Some things really crack one's heart.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Inevitable
So, it seems inevitable that son can not be encouraged to any longer participate or perform even the most remotest interaction with me or the family.
Monday, I went in his room and fount it to be completely piled in garbage - yes, real honest to gosh garbage and most of my missing flatware. So, he was told to clean it up or he would be moving out. He response was to leave for the rest of the day and now no longer be at home at all if I am and has stopped speaking to me, even in passing. Just attitude is all I get now.
So, I have been struggling with this for days. Obviously he believes he is calling my bluff. But it is not a bluff - bluffing ended months ago. But - and that is the problem - but what? He is so ill prepared for life that failure is certain. And maybe that is what he wants in life - confirmation that he is a failure.
Is he just to afraid to walk out the door and get on with his life or is he looking for someone to blame his failure on when I am forced to take back the house keys from him this week?
I don't get it.
Perhaps there is wisdom in those whom show their young men the boot when they are eighteen, it sure would have saved me a year of grief, misery and disrespect in my house. Not to mention that week in the hospital one year ago because my heart could not take the situation with him any long. When my youngest daughter will not even talk with him - I guess its time for him to move along.
Sigh. Last thing my blood pressure needs is more stress.....
Monday, I went in his room and fount it to be completely piled in garbage - yes, real honest to gosh garbage and most of my missing flatware. So, he was told to clean it up or he would be moving out. He response was to leave for the rest of the day and now no longer be at home at all if I am and has stopped speaking to me, even in passing. Just attitude is all I get now.
So, I have been struggling with this for days. Obviously he believes he is calling my bluff. But it is not a bluff - bluffing ended months ago. But - and that is the problem - but what? He is so ill prepared for life that failure is certain. And maybe that is what he wants in life - confirmation that he is a failure.
Is he just to afraid to walk out the door and get on with his life or is he looking for someone to blame his failure on when I am forced to take back the house keys from him this week?
I don't get it.
Perhaps there is wisdom in those whom show their young men the boot when they are eighteen, it sure would have saved me a year of grief, misery and disrespect in my house. Not to mention that week in the hospital one year ago because my heart could not take the situation with him any long. When my youngest daughter will not even talk with him - I guess its time for him to move along.
Sigh. Last thing my blood pressure needs is more stress.....
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Surfing The Web
Surfing the web can be very interesting. You get to see life through the eyes of people all over the world and discover they are just like you - maybe even more interesting. You get to see sites, sometimes even sounds, to add to the rich scenery available via the internet. I love learning and so I surf.
Sometimes I have stumbled across the sites of people in my church at the time, sometimes those visits can make you view your church-mates with a whole other perspective! I have even met people years later whose photos I saw in some blog! That is usually humorous as I never forget a face - places and names I am a little more shaky on!
Sometimes I have stumbled over the blogs of kids in my youth groups - usually to my shock - as in general kids these days are not what they appear. Even the nicest of them uses language a sailor would blush over! Three of mine included in that regard.
And last night I stumbled across the blog of my youngest daughter. Mind you she is blonde in the classic sense of being clueless, very studious and a dreamer much like me. But her postings left me quite in thought.
She never says much about her past life in Russia. She was very young when her mother died and she was given to the orphanage. I have often wondered what she remembers or feels about that time in her life....
And here were her words, revealing her soulful sense of loss of her mother, the loss she suffered when her sister went crazy and stormed out of our house six years ago. How she longs for a real friend - a real soul mate.
In one regard it leaves me feeling frustrated. I am not a woman, I can not really play that role in her life. And I wished I could fulfill her heart's longings - but that is not my role. I am just the dad.
Sigh.....
Sometimes I have stumbled across the sites of people in my church at the time, sometimes those visits can make you view your church-mates with a whole other perspective! I have even met people years later whose photos I saw in some blog! That is usually humorous as I never forget a face - places and names I am a little more shaky on!
Sometimes I have stumbled over the blogs of kids in my youth groups - usually to my shock - as in general kids these days are not what they appear. Even the nicest of them uses language a sailor would blush over! Three of mine included in that regard.
And last night I stumbled across the blog of my youngest daughter. Mind you she is blonde in the classic sense of being clueless, very studious and a dreamer much like me. But her postings left me quite in thought.
She never says much about her past life in Russia. She was very young when her mother died and she was given to the orphanage. I have often wondered what she remembers or feels about that time in her life....
And here were her words, revealing her soulful sense of loss of her mother, the loss she suffered when her sister went crazy and stormed out of our house six years ago. How she longs for a real friend - a real soul mate.
In one regard it leaves me feeling frustrated. I am not a woman, I can not really play that role in her life. And I wished I could fulfill her heart's longings - but that is not my role. I am just the dad.
Sigh.....
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Gnawing On A Pencil
I was able to spend an interesting three hours with Artist Girl.
It seems that her time back home, from graduating college, did not go well. The first three days went great but then quickly slid into the "gosh I need to leave before I go to jail" zone. Yeah, her parents are really quite difficult at times. Though I have to admit that her mother attacking her for setting a plate on a counter, then her father putting a knife to her throat and trying to cut her head off seems a little on the trailing edge of reality. I can believe the former easily enough, and I suppose that her father is capable of most anything. But, slicing her head off?!?!?!?!? Either AG needs some meds or perhaps she should have called the Police to deal with her father (he is a lawyer on child abuse cases after all, so knows so much better!). However, from what I observed, it is just as easily her pushing him over the brink.....
So, she was in quite an emotional state and probably needed a female to dump on, rather than a guy like me! I can give a hug, promise to pray, but you know I am not exactly the best one to deal with female tears and offer comfort (as all of my daughters well know!). I am way too analytical.
On the plus side for her life: she has not bent to the influence of our western culture - yet. However, she is not in any form of fellowship, her boyfriend is not a Christian and her dress has become quite - uhmmmmmm - emotive. So at least on the subconscious level she is hunting real hard for a male reaction I am sure she is not prepared for! And I wonder if this is in response to the rejection from her father last week..... Shade of Bridgett (sp?) there if you remember my post from several months back.
I suspect if I see her again it will be under the situation of her having fallen completely into our godless culture and ways. And, you can see it coming - narcissism, extreme ego, completely out of touch with reality. If I closed my eyes I could easily have been talking to another of my girls, whom became the Faithless Bride last year. Adults making adult decisions, with suddenly no mental, emotional nor spiritual maturity.
Do not get me wrong! I love AG very dearly and have often wished she was indeed one of my daughters, just to have separated her from the abuse she has suffered for decades. I have known her since she was in her primary years - so for a big slice of her life she has been in and out of my home, was even one of my more active church students, and I have tried to model a very positive male role in her life.
So, I am gnawing on a pencil and probably getting slivers in my gums.... I really hate to see another of "My Girls" taking the long slide into the world.
It seems that her time back home, from graduating college, did not go well. The first three days went great but then quickly slid into the "gosh I need to leave before I go to jail" zone. Yeah, her parents are really quite difficult at times. Though I have to admit that her mother attacking her for setting a plate on a counter, then her father putting a knife to her throat and trying to cut her head off seems a little on the trailing edge of reality. I can believe the former easily enough, and I suppose that her father is capable of most anything. But, slicing her head off?!?!?!?!? Either AG needs some meds or perhaps she should have called the Police to deal with her father (he is a lawyer on child abuse cases after all, so knows so much better!). However, from what I observed, it is just as easily her pushing him over the brink.....
So, she was in quite an emotional state and probably needed a female to dump on, rather than a guy like me! I can give a hug, promise to pray, but you know I am not exactly the best one to deal with female tears and offer comfort (as all of my daughters well know!). I am way too analytical.
On the plus side for her life: she has not bent to the influence of our western culture - yet. However, she is not in any form of fellowship, her boyfriend is not a Christian and her dress has become quite - uhmmmmmm - emotive. So at least on the subconscious level she is hunting real hard for a male reaction I am sure she is not prepared for! And I wonder if this is in response to the rejection from her father last week..... Shade of Bridgett (sp?) there if you remember my post from several months back.
I suspect if I see her again it will be under the situation of her having fallen completely into our godless culture and ways. And, you can see it coming - narcissism, extreme ego, completely out of touch with reality. If I closed my eyes I could easily have been talking to another of my girls, whom became the Faithless Bride last year. Adults making adult decisions, with suddenly no mental, emotional nor spiritual maturity.
Do not get me wrong! I love AG very dearly and have often wished she was indeed one of my daughters, just to have separated her from the abuse she has suffered for decades. I have known her since she was in her primary years - so for a big slice of her life she has been in and out of my home, was even one of my more active church students, and I have tried to model a very positive male role in her life.
So, I am gnawing on a pencil and probably getting slivers in my gums.... I really hate to see another of "My Girls" taking the long slide into the world.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wanted: Christian Girl
Sons latest relationship disintegrated into a two hour screaming match on the phone tonight. I unplugged the phone at ten. Of course, I am the evil one.
When Kris must step into Papa Bear mode, it is not pretty.
I just can not understand his problem with limiting the hunt to Christian girls only! Oh yah, I forgot, there aren't any according to him.......
Maybe I need to post on Craigslist.
When Kris must step into Papa Bear mode, it is not pretty.
I just can not understand his problem with limiting the hunt to Christian girls only! Oh yah, I forgot, there aren't any according to him.......
Maybe I need to post on Craigslist.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Farewell My Lovely
She was 18 months younger than me, was and still is - even with age - the loveliest woman I have ever seen. Her beauty was almost haunting, in fact something about that beauty troubled me through all of these decades up until this week.
She was a model, a very successful one. The only reason she even came to my attention was was as a teenager she had managed to take a wrong turn in life - and what a side road that one was! She was one of the two compelling forces behind my lifelong outreach to teenagers, so that they may avoid the pitfalls of the road she chose to travel. And, so few will listen - so many end up just like her..... Much to the glee of a world bent upon destroying innocence.
Now, 38 years later she is brought back to mind. My hometown news had a short article concerning her death. Like so many whom have traveled her path, she finally succumbed to "cancer". A nice euphemism for a long lingering, sexually transmitted death sentence leaving the victim with lots of time to think - I hope about her Creator! But I fear it was not so. Her parents were atheists and so apparently are her children.
Children? I never gave much thought about her having a family! She was a daughter - she had a father and mother. I had originally thought someone in her family had broken that fragile image of God in her. And yet in later life she had abandoned her destructive path she was on and led a very conventional life. So, the fault was not there. Teachers? Friends? Dirty old men in the village? College guys? I have no idea what took this young lady from a small village in dairy country to the spotlight of the world and to what should have been the shame for any family.
She will soon be forgotten by the world of sin which made her famous - just another example of what "will never happen to me!" syndrome of our youth today. Someone's daughter, sister, friend, mother died and her legacy now lies in the realm of the world. The lure of sin, "without consequences" compels our youth today. At least until they too find out that there is no sin "without consequences''.....
Yesterday that haunting question returned: what had set her apart in my mind, other than her beauty? I dug out her high school picture and looked once again at her face. Being older and wiser I quickly was able to answer that question - it was her eyes. Those young 17 year old eyes I had first seen, were filled with sadness and pain. I saw it now, I had not seen it 38 years ago because I had not experienced life yet. Apparently she had and had set herself upon a course of self destruction. Unfortunately, that self destruction became a time bomb waiting to go off oh so many years later - after she had straighten herself out.....
As her sister would say, "And where is justice or equality or a God for that matter, when someone so young and so beautiful should suffer such a horrible death?"
Indeed, where was God? Waiting for her to turn to Him - of her own free will, in a broken world and shattered by sin. Just as He does for each one of us.
And that is where He has always been - leaving us the freedom to condemn ourselves to a horrible death out of sheer ignorance or stupidity - because He wants us to turn to Him - and sometimes we have to be mighty low before we can look up and see Him......
Harsh but reality bites when you do not play by the Creator's rules.
She was a model, a very successful one. The only reason she even came to my attention was was as a teenager she had managed to take a wrong turn in life - and what a side road that one was! She was one of the two compelling forces behind my lifelong outreach to teenagers, so that they may avoid the pitfalls of the road she chose to travel. And, so few will listen - so many end up just like her..... Much to the glee of a world bent upon destroying innocence.
Now, 38 years later she is brought back to mind. My hometown news had a short article concerning her death. Like so many whom have traveled her path, she finally succumbed to "cancer". A nice euphemism for a long lingering, sexually transmitted death sentence leaving the victim with lots of time to think - I hope about her Creator! But I fear it was not so. Her parents were atheists and so apparently are her children.
Children? I never gave much thought about her having a family! She was a daughter - she had a father and mother. I had originally thought someone in her family had broken that fragile image of God in her. And yet in later life she had abandoned her destructive path she was on and led a very conventional life. So, the fault was not there. Teachers? Friends? Dirty old men in the village? College guys? I have no idea what took this young lady from a small village in dairy country to the spotlight of the world and to what should have been the shame for any family.
She will soon be forgotten by the world of sin which made her famous - just another example of what "will never happen to me!" syndrome of our youth today. Someone's daughter, sister, friend, mother died and her legacy now lies in the realm of the world. The lure of sin, "without consequences" compels our youth today. At least until they too find out that there is no sin "without consequences''.....
Yesterday that haunting question returned: what had set her apart in my mind, other than her beauty? I dug out her high school picture and looked once again at her face. Being older and wiser I quickly was able to answer that question - it was her eyes. Those young 17 year old eyes I had first seen, were filled with sadness and pain. I saw it now, I had not seen it 38 years ago because I had not experienced life yet. Apparently she had and had set herself upon a course of self destruction. Unfortunately, that self destruction became a time bomb waiting to go off oh so many years later - after she had straighten herself out.....
As her sister would say, "And where is justice or equality or a God for that matter, when someone so young and so beautiful should suffer such a horrible death?"
Indeed, where was God? Waiting for her to turn to Him - of her own free will, in a broken world and shattered by sin. Just as He does for each one of us.
And that is where He has always been - leaving us the freedom to condemn ourselves to a horrible death out of sheer ignorance or stupidity - because He wants us to turn to Him - and sometimes we have to be mighty low before we can look up and see Him......
Harsh but reality bites when you do not play by the Creator's rules.
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