I did not sleep well last night. A little stressed over my math class and the test looming before me across the next two weeks. A little stressed over what God has asked of me, for I see only personal disaster - and yet if I am to serve God, then I must, at any price go forward. Of course, it takes very little stress to set off my heart again, so yet another small event to round out the week. What is that? I had to look, number 155. I might be going for a worlds record here, a heart attack a day now, everyday since July 12th. Sigh.
And what of personal disaster? As I lay awake in continued pain for the past five hours, I thought of what God has said He would cause to come about, and then the - What If Games began.
You know, my daughter could return much as she left, a little touch up and we would be back to where we were when she ran. But, I am not that naive - her mother has had her now twice as long as I had to originally show her truth, so her belief set will have been crushed.
No, she is going to be more damaged, plus more poisoned by her mother and those whom surround her. Yeah, I am going to get what I faced a year ago, again, in spades.
But, it might be even worse. I could get back more damaged, more poisoned - and it breaks my heart to think more broken. The brokenness that forces one to reach out to even those whom we have harmed and rejected, because the need is that great. And I worry about this one. Because God had said events were determinative, the situation had been permissive in what He had originally told me. What should have been six years from now and easier to handle, could now be a royal pain, when so much has not first occurred. Everything gets magnified - trauma, the warfare, everything ends up condensed and I have to wade through that pond undamaged? Not very likely.
And what if ..... ?
Yeah, so many possibilities, so much pain, all because of the betrayal by her mother ..... None of this ever had to happen, but in our warped culture and in the absence of the masses in this country actually believing in a living God - this is the kind of disaster which happens even within the "church".
And so my brain began running through all of the possibilities, all of the scenarios, everything I know of my daughter - and from a man's perspective, only disaster was to be found each and everytime. Yeah, I know second guessing God is a waste of time, but I worry for the future and what God has been quietly working in the background and not bothering to tell me about. Yeah. Unnerving.
But, also I know my daughter, even to this day. Though through a veil of tears, she can choose right over wrong, even when all are telling her right is what she is doing but it is wrong and she knows this. And she has chosen wrong time and time again, because I have seen the choices and how she turned further and further - and yet her heart has not.
Please continue in prayer to turn this daughter back home, where she belongs and let the healing begin anew.....
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Looper
Well, this has been an action packed week, little of which would be of any benefit to share - except with those whom are impacted with what all has been going on!
Yesterday, I took off, just time for me. I worked on my year end planning, not that it matters - events for people whom ultimately do not care, utilizing resources which are dwindling - a show of form, a hope of change, a fear that all is doomed.
So, I took myself to the movies. I have been considering Looper for months and since I was alone, okay, let's do it. I do love time travel.
First important note: not for teenage males. Cut 90 seconds out and it is only a borderline okay movie, but nope not in Kris' book with those 90 second in there. Those 90 seconds are a nude female, lord knows how broken to appear to be so vulnerable in the scene, so exposed, for no real reason at all. It added nothing to the film, it made me feel compassion for her as a woman. Sorry not a turn on for this guy. If you are adult and comfortable with the concept that females have breasts, then you whatever - your choice. But, if you are normal American guy, avoid the movie, you don't need this.
Storywise, it was quite good. Put together very well with some interesting twists in the plot. Drug abuse is rampant in the film, tons of shoot 'em ups and other violence, yeah not exactly socially redeeming - except in the end when the main character realizes that everyone is willing to sacrifice themselves for someone else and he holds the key to the entire problem. Intriguing.
Strip out the nudity and it a decent story, more than a few in the church could learn from - especially in light of how readily we are so willing to sacrifice others to get our way and even then we shoot our own.
As is - no recommendation.
Yesterday, I took off, just time for me. I worked on my year end planning, not that it matters - events for people whom ultimately do not care, utilizing resources which are dwindling - a show of form, a hope of change, a fear that all is doomed.
So, I took myself to the movies. I have been considering Looper for months and since I was alone, okay, let's do it. I do love time travel.
First important note: not for teenage males. Cut 90 seconds out and it is only a borderline okay movie, but nope not in Kris' book with those 90 second in there. Those 90 seconds are a nude female, lord knows how broken to appear to be so vulnerable in the scene, so exposed, for no real reason at all. It added nothing to the film, it made me feel compassion for her as a woman. Sorry not a turn on for this guy. If you are adult and comfortable with the concept that females have breasts, then you whatever - your choice. But, if you are normal American guy, avoid the movie, you don't need this.
Storywise, it was quite good. Put together very well with some interesting twists in the plot. Drug abuse is rampant in the film, tons of shoot 'em ups and other violence, yeah not exactly socially redeeming - except in the end when the main character realizes that everyone is willing to sacrifice themselves for someone else and he holds the key to the entire problem. Intriguing.
Strip out the nudity and it a decent story, more than a few in the church could learn from - especially in light of how readily we are so willing to sacrifice others to get our way and even then we shoot our own.
As is - no recommendation.
Facing Your Cross
Without exception, this year has been the worst year of my life. I have never been so disappointed in my fellow man than I have been this year. I have not been more disappointed in my family than I have been this year. I have never wanted to rip a church a new-one, like I have this year - probably why I am not pastor material, no real tolerance for sin. Yeah, not a great second half to the year.
As the title eludes to, we each have crosses we carry. For some it is the needs of others in our community, some for those persecuted for their faith in Jesus, some physical challenges or even emotional ones. All of them the possible basis for a ministry or perhaps what God uses to refine us. And, my cross? A daughter, 21 years old, 150 pounds, a survivor, but not an over-comer, someone so desperately in need and yet so uncomfortable with the solution to her life's issues. She has led a life no one should ever have had to and when given the chance for final freedom, sided with those whom manipulated her into believing this year had been a lie - that she was better off in her sin than in being refined as God was leading her.
And daily God reminds me. And daily God shows me the workings of her heart and her mind, still at war with one another. And I pray the heart wins because it knows the truth, but the mind wants its own way because ..... Well isn't that true of any of us? And that is the cross I get to bear until she finally looks up to the real God, seeks understanding and then begins a new on her journey, albeit not quite the same now as it could have been.
For those of my long term readers, I am now at 1 year and one week in spiritual warfare to free this daughter. So, if you will join with me, awesome. I want her to get on with her life but that can not happen without her being forced to understand what happened to her. And I wait. Return, Reconciliation, Restoration, Repentance, Recovery, then Discipleship - all on hold, all waiting.....
So, I am facing my greatest cross, there are many other smaller ones - but this one is the most pressing. I never could bear the weight of this cross, so God has had to all along - but in order for Him to do so, there are a few things I needed to do first:
Read John 12:27-36
Note that Jesus is in the week of the his death upon the cross, and he know it.....
Give yourself permission to be human.
Jesus was troubled facing his cross and what was to happen.
I have to face too with courage the opposition whom has taken my daughter, all those whom oppose me, those whom have their own agendas for keeping her broken, the damage she has done herself and me (thank you Satan, I really needed that this year!).
See ultimate triumph - beyond this present tragedy.
Circumstances vs desire.
God will use us, but not in ways we think or expect!
I blindly trusted, never believing that I could have lost my daughter. Surprise! God is apparently going to be testing my resolve and faith for however long this takes.
I never would have thought myself capable of the hundreds of hours of prayer this has required.
Listen when God speaks.
Everyone heard what Jesus had to say but not everyone heard the same message.
To some, it was all just noise.
Yeah, He warned me, but I could not believe. And when it happened, I could not comprehend at how. I was so naive.
She can not hear, though her heart knows, but she will not listen even to herself.
Remember His cross when you face your cross.
Luke 19:10 - Jesus seeks the lost
John 3:18 - believe and not be condemned
Yeah, I have questioned my salvation, and other's as well. But, we are all broken beings, some in this soap opera have made me reconsider the nature of salvation and the impact of the losey-goosey theology of the American believer. Still thinking on it. Mighty disappointed in more than just a few.
Psalm 119:105.
Walk in the light, believe in the light, become sons of the light!
I had a choice, we all do, I could lick my wounds and move on or stand and fight. God did not choose me because this was going to be easy, He choose me because I can be slapped down a thousand times and it will not shake my faith. I see beyond today, looking towards God's victory in this woman's life tomorrow. But, it sure would be nice if I could restart in her life tomorrow and get this over with!
This was Jesus last public teaching.
Apparently, this message was important enough that Jesus used His short time left to make this point to his disciples and followers. So, maybe we should think hard on the point that if we are to be as He is, then we need to have the determination He had - even if we believe it will be to our own undoing - loss of everything - even ultimate death.....
And daily God reminds me. And daily God shows me the workings of her heart and her mind, still at war with one another. And I pray the heart wins because it knows the truth, but the mind wants its own way because ..... Well isn't that true of any of us? And that is the cross I get to bear until she finally looks up to the real God, seeks understanding and then begins a new on her journey, albeit not quite the same now as it could have been.
For those of my long term readers, I am now at 1 year and one week in spiritual warfare to free this daughter. So, if you will join with me, awesome. I want her to get on with her life but that can not happen without her being forced to understand what happened to her. And I wait. Return, Reconciliation, Restoration, Repentance, Recovery, then Discipleship - all on hold, all waiting.....
So, I am facing my greatest cross, there are many other smaller ones - but this one is the most pressing. I never could bear the weight of this cross, so God has had to all along - but in order for Him to do so, there are a few things I needed to do first:
Read John 12:27-36
Note that Jesus is in the week of the his death upon the cross, and he know it.....
Give yourself permission to be human.
Jesus was troubled facing his cross and what was to happen.
I have to face too with courage the opposition whom has taken my daughter, all those whom oppose me, those whom have their own agendas for keeping her broken, the damage she has done herself and me (thank you Satan, I really needed that this year!).
See ultimate triumph - beyond this present tragedy.
Circumstances vs desire.
God will use us, but not in ways we think or expect!
I blindly trusted, never believing that I could have lost my daughter. Surprise! God is apparently going to be testing my resolve and faith for however long this takes.
I never would have thought myself capable of the hundreds of hours of prayer this has required.
Listen when God speaks.
Everyone heard what Jesus had to say but not everyone heard the same message.
To some, it was all just noise.
Yeah, He warned me, but I could not believe. And when it happened, I could not comprehend at how. I was so naive.
She can not hear, though her heart knows, but she will not listen even to herself.
Remember His cross when you face your cross.
Luke 19:10 - Jesus seeks the lost
John 3:18 - believe and not be condemned
Yeah, I have questioned my salvation, and other's as well. But, we are all broken beings, some in this soap opera have made me reconsider the nature of salvation and the impact of the losey-goosey theology of the American believer. Still thinking on it. Mighty disappointed in more than just a few.
Psalm 119:105.
Walk in the light, believe in the light, become sons of the light!
I had a choice, we all do, I could lick my wounds and move on or stand and fight. God did not choose me because this was going to be easy, He choose me because I can be slapped down a thousand times and it will not shake my faith. I see beyond today, looking towards God's victory in this woman's life tomorrow. But, it sure would be nice if I could restart in her life tomorrow and get this over with!
This was Jesus last public teaching.
Apparently, this message was important enough that Jesus used His short time left to make this point to his disciples and followers. So, maybe we should think hard on the point that if we are to be as He is, then we need to have the determination He had - even if we believe it will be to our own undoing - loss of everything - even ultimate death.....
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Disappointment With God
I was sorting through all of my libraries today, organizing and cleaning, when I came across a series of "I Hate God" letters my daughter had sent me before her departure from my life. It pained me greatly to re-read, because prior to those I had thought her right on track, but now she was leaving and all of the problems were erupting again. I threw up then, I threw up now.
Indeed, what are we to do when we are are disappointed with God? How does one reply to a letter or series of letters as I received?
We do have something to look at: John 11:17-21
This verses point? God can handle your disappointment, if you will let Him:
Be honest with Him
Indeed, what are we to do when we are are disappointed with God? How does one reply to a letter or series of letters as I received?
We do have something to look at: John 11:17-21
This verses point? God can handle your disappointment, if you will let Him:
Be honest with Him
- Mary and Martha were both frustrated with Jesus
- He was not doing what they wanted
- "Its all about me and my wants!"
- This Idolitry
- Tell God you are hurt and wounded, angry, whatever.....
- He knows your feelings, so tell Him!
- Be whom you are
- Emotional or internal
- Outward or inward
- He know who you are, so don't fake it with Him
- For your salvation
- For your faith
- For your hope
- For your character
- For your prayer life
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
EDB
It was 1983 and one summer day, I became violently ill for no apparent reason. Only I was not alone, 104 others all crowded the local emergency room all with the same symptoms. CDC was notified, as was the WHO, that sometime was very wrong in our little town. In the end, it was found that all of us had eaten poisoned watermelons. A chemical, EDB, had been sprayed on them to kill bugs - it darn near killed the lot of us instead.
It is now a year later, I had moved, bought a house, set up life as a telecommuter and was in great shape. And it happened again. Only this time there was no watermelon and it was so bad that I was on life support. The police were called and poor Gaelic Girl was really grilled by them but she was completely clueless as to what on earth had happened to me. The police suspected someone was trying to kill me and had used some form of poison, so they suggested I re-enact that day's party, invite the same guests and see what happens.
OMG! I had to call GG to come get me at home that evening and drag my dead body back to ER! Now the police were very happy! Someone at the party was trying to kill me. Really? Actually, it was all my closest friends, any one of whom I would let kill me - if I had it coming. So, I was a little unhappy here ..... I could think of nothing that anyone would want to kill me for!
So, round three, different guests, same results. The police went through everything analyzing food items and residues - in the end, they had nothing either.
At this point Swedish Rocket Scientist, mused out loud, that maybe it was a food allergy. So, I went in for the whole course - hundreds of needles and scratches covered my body and yes, I was allergic to citrus, corn, egg whites, dairy and chocolate. The essence of life stripped from me.
Now, EDB is a water based chemical. Unfortunately, once in your system, it is always there, stored in your fat tissue. So, since I was being hospitalized annually for some slight amount of the above unwittingly nailing me, I theorized that if I gained weight, then I could lessen the concentration of EDB in my system. And it worked. Double my weight and no more problems for 17 years now.
Only, I want to lose weight now and have dropped over 40 pounds. And I was whacked last night in a rude reminder of my problem - which I had actually forgotten about. Well, I am going to be dropping this poundage and I guess if it is back on to the strict diet, so be it. But, I will need to contact my allergist this week and find out what it was they gave me - it would stop an attack dead in its tracks, also turned me into a zombie for a few hours but never the less it works.
As a side note, a researcher hunted down all 105 of us and found that we all had exactly the same food allergies! This then led to a school of study of searching for environmental problems based upon the allergies people in those localities developed. Kind of cool.
Well, need tea to get the day started.
It is now a year later, I had moved, bought a house, set up life as a telecommuter and was in great shape. And it happened again. Only this time there was no watermelon and it was so bad that I was on life support. The police were called and poor Gaelic Girl was really grilled by them but she was completely clueless as to what on earth had happened to me. The police suspected someone was trying to kill me and had used some form of poison, so they suggested I re-enact that day's party, invite the same guests and see what happens.
OMG! I had to call GG to come get me at home that evening and drag my dead body back to ER! Now the police were very happy! Someone at the party was trying to kill me. Really? Actually, it was all my closest friends, any one of whom I would let kill me - if I had it coming. So, I was a little unhappy here ..... I could think of nothing that anyone would want to kill me for!
So, round three, different guests, same results. The police went through everything analyzing food items and residues - in the end, they had nothing either.
At this point Swedish Rocket Scientist, mused out loud, that maybe it was a food allergy. So, I went in for the whole course - hundreds of needles and scratches covered my body and yes, I was allergic to citrus, corn, egg whites, dairy and chocolate. The essence of life stripped from me.
Now, EDB is a water based chemical. Unfortunately, once in your system, it is always there, stored in your fat tissue. So, since I was being hospitalized annually for some slight amount of the above unwittingly nailing me, I theorized that if I gained weight, then I could lessen the concentration of EDB in my system. And it worked. Double my weight and no more problems for 17 years now.
Only, I want to lose weight now and have dropped over 40 pounds. And I was whacked last night in a rude reminder of my problem - which I had actually forgotten about. Well, I am going to be dropping this poundage and I guess if it is back on to the strict diet, so be it. But, I will need to contact my allergist this week and find out what it was they gave me - it would stop an attack dead in its tracks, also turned me into a zombie for a few hours but never the less it works.
As a side note, a researcher hunted down all 105 of us and found that we all had exactly the same food allergies! This then led to a school of study of searching for environmental problems based upon the allergies people in those localities developed. Kind of cool.
Well, need tea to get the day started.
Monday, November 26, 2012
UNIX Final
I got my UNIX class final today:
Form a team, as assigned.
Build from the hardware up a UNIX based intranet of four computers, one group, six users.
Offer two different Blog drivers with a supporting SQL database.
etc.....
OMG! and we have five days to accomplish this.
So for the group:
One member is from India and though very smart does not speak English. He only reads it.
One member was so stoned he could not remember his name when asked.
One member is ok but angry that he can not be in another group.
And then there is me.
Sigh .....
This is going to be oh so much fun, looks like I will have to not only play project manager but also have to do half the work.
Sigh.....
Form a team, as assigned.
Build from the hardware up a UNIX based intranet of four computers, one group, six users.
Offer two different Blog drivers with a supporting SQL database.
etc.....
OMG! and we have five days to accomplish this.
So for the group:
One member is from India and though very smart does not speak English. He only reads it.
One member was so stoned he could not remember his name when asked.
One member is ok but angry that he can not be in another group.
And then there is me.
Sigh .....
This is going to be oh so much fun, looks like I will have to not only play project manager but also have to do half the work.
Sigh.....
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Giving God Glory
Thinking on John 7:14-24, this early morning.
Giving God glory is not seeking it for yourself.
Are you seeking glory for yourself or for God?
Does it matter to you that you get glory through your witness, service, mission?
Giving God glory is being eager to do God's will.
Giving God glory is for the here and now, not just back then.
Moment to give God His due is now. There may not be another opportunity to do so.
Giving God glory is doing "whatever" is asked of you, by Him.
Make everything you do for Him, be to His glory and not your own.
Be the best worker, best family member, best friend, in every aspect of your life.
Giving God glory is giving your all.
Be a 100% believer, aspire to become a disciple.
Giving God glory is by giving thanks, in all things!
We are to be a thankful people.
Giving God glory means to be a living testimony to other.
It is about time we live life to the glory of God, so it is about time we seek on to glorify God.
This holiday season, make it a time for friends and family, but also a time for outreach to others. Especially those whom may not have made their peace with their maker.....
Giving God glory is not seeking it for yourself.
Are you seeking glory for yourself or for God?
Does it matter to you that you get glory through your witness, service, mission?
Giving God glory is being eager to do God's will.
Giving God glory is for the here and now, not just back then.
Moment to give God His due is now. There may not be another opportunity to do so.
Giving God glory is doing "whatever" is asked of you, by Him.
Make everything you do for Him, be to His glory and not your own.
Be the best worker, best family member, best friend, in every aspect of your life.
Giving God glory is giving your all.
Be a 100% believer, aspire to become a disciple.
Giving God glory is by giving thanks, in all things!
We are to be a thankful people.
Giving God glory means to be a living testimony to other.
It is about time we live life to the glory of God, so it is about time we seek on to glorify God.
This holiday season, make it a time for friends and family, but also a time for outreach to others. Especially those whom may not have made their peace with their maker.....
Friday, November 23, 2012
Black Friday
So, I was up early and out the door before first light. No, not to go to sales but to take "brother" to the train station for his return home. As I passed the mall, it was no surprise to see that the lot was already full, lines abounded in the rain and the freeways were vacant. I am not sure you could pay me to attend a sale on Black Friday.
I walked him up on to the platform, wished the small damp crowd a hearty good morning and was met by stoney silence and averted eyes. Yup, welcome to the great northwest! Most friendless place on the planet.
Back home a full day ahead of me and absolutely no plans.
I wonder what niece wants to do today......
But, hope yours will be a great day (of not standing around in the rain!).
I walked him up on to the platform, wished the small damp crowd a hearty good morning and was met by stoney silence and averted eyes. Yup, welcome to the great northwest! Most friendless place on the planet.
Back home a full day ahead of me and absolutely no plans.
I wonder what niece wants to do today......
But, hope yours will be a great day (of not standing around in the rain!).
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Happy Turkey Day
I hope you and yours will a blessed day - may family, friends and fellowship overflow throughout the day.
For me and mine, minus two daughters, minus my mother but with one "brother" and a Niece, we will be having what will hopefully be as stress free as possible and a time for rest for my damaged heart.
With my best wishes....
For me and mine, minus two daughters, minus my mother but with one "brother" and a Niece, we will be having what will hopefully be as stress free as possible and a time for rest for my damaged heart.
With my best wishes....
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Back to Love
Back to what I started weeks ago but God kept sidetracking me to other posts! It all started with the Newsboys, Love Come True, destined to become the second most viewed post on this Blog, tying with, What is Love also of this year. So I always intended to write this one but just never had the time. Interestingly, in spite of these two holding my number two spot for most popular, I have never received a single email or comment on either! Yeah, odd one would think.....
So, if you have consider these two posts and thought on them, you probably have some view as to what I come from on the topic of love. Unfortunately for us, we live in an English speaking culture with a poorly developed sense of Love and an over developed sense of love. The Greeks make all so much easier with their five forms of love versus a language which lumps all concepts of love under just one word.
So, looking at and thinking on John 13:34.....
"love" is purely human and conceptually can only be understood as self centered. The minute actual self sacrifice enters the concept, we have Love, not "love".
Love is a command. Love was to be the basis of the Christian life.
Love is not an option, if you are a Christian, it is expected of you by God.
Love is not human, is of God. Consider the Love required to forgive 70x7!
Love is not easy; it is the hardest thing you will ever do. It takes time. It requires you to invest in one another. You are required to place yourself at risk for another.
Love is not accidental, is has to be intentional.
We are told to Love; it is our action in obedience to His command.....
Real Love is not easy, it is painful, it is costly, but it is the only witness we have towards a world bent on its own eternal destruction.
So, if you have consider these two posts and thought on them, you probably have some view as to what I come from on the topic of love. Unfortunately for us, we live in an English speaking culture with a poorly developed sense of Love and an over developed sense of love. The Greeks make all so much easier with their five forms of love versus a language which lumps all concepts of love under just one word.
So, looking at and thinking on John 13:34.....
"love" is purely human and conceptually can only be understood as self centered. The minute actual self sacrifice enters the concept, we have Love, not "love".
Love is a command. Love was to be the basis of the Christian life.
Love is not an option, if you are a Christian, it is expected of you by God.
Love is not human, is of God. Consider the Love required to forgive 70x7!
Love is not easy; it is the hardest thing you will ever do. It takes time. It requires you to invest in one another. You are required to place yourself at risk for another.
Love is not accidental, is has to be intentional.
We are told to Love; it is our action in obedience to His command.....
Real Love is not easy, it is painful, it is costly, but it is the only witness we have towards a world bent on its own eternal destruction.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Overcoming
Last week, my system had a terrible shock. God in His far more infinite wisdom decided I needed to be reminded. And to that end He re-opened my eyes again to the horrors of this year. It is bad enough knowing my sin, I never wanted to know another's, I never wanted to "see" and feel God's pain at the actions of her. He grinds into me over and over again the importance of separating her from her sin, yet she ran and I am helpless to act. She had come so far, she still has so far to go. So, I pray.
I never wanted those I love to ever suffer. Yeah, I could write a book now over what happened across just a few days and how the naivety of one began a cascading of sin and rebellion in multitudes. Of God's intervention to slap them awake, and yet they still slumber. Of betrayals and deceits they know and others nothing of, yet God continues to show me. So, I pray.
And the visions keep coming. To see how far she has fallen from where she was, and to think God does not care. To see and "know" the senseless, self inflicted pain, so well defined now in her - so wounded and believing none can see. To her blindness and empowerment to remain so. And, so I pray.
Then the fact that God brings all of this up daily, sometimes more than. And to be overcome by His love for her, it is all I can do to keep my promise not to contact her and piss her off again, and again, and again. So, I wait for her to do so. And I pray.
To walk a life now dead. Unless you have lost your life, you would not understand. Imagine losing any ability to produce an income, most of your friends (to death or their anger) and then most of your family's good will. I can walk alone quite nicely, but I am not an island. I can manage okay - but even sociopaths need to be talked to, need to be touched, need to know they still are alive. This existence is becoming more than I can take much more of. No I am not suicidal, I have not given up yet. So, I pray.
And that lone emotion, in the vacuum of my being. I never needed, wanted or ever asked for nor could have even imagined something like that. Yet, God cuts the bars with which I bind it - randomly, bringing unbelievable pain. So, I pray.
At all of these, to each of these, my body reacts with increased heart problems. Sometimes I can go a day without knowing how close I am to the next heart attack. It lay there as a constant reminder that my days are fragile and the need for care, but I can not control what God stirs up within me. So, I pray and it goes away, again, until the next time.
I have little belief I will live to see my daughter again. But, I know I will.
I have little belief I will see God bring down those whom deceived and lied to her. But, I know He will.
I have little belief that she will know, understand and see. Yet I know one day she will.
I have little belief that she will ever understand what laid on the path she fled. Yet God may tell.....
It is not a crisis of faith, for mine has never been greater.
But, I see mortality in sharp contrast to desire.
It is the futility of man to know, to hope and to desire but to be unable to accomplish.
And that last God given task of my life, will it ever be, or will that too be lost?
And so I pray to last long enough, to hold out, to overcome.....
I never wanted those I love to ever suffer. Yeah, I could write a book now over what happened across just a few days and how the naivety of one began a cascading of sin and rebellion in multitudes. Of God's intervention to slap them awake, and yet they still slumber. Of betrayals and deceits they know and others nothing of, yet God continues to show me. So, I pray.
And the visions keep coming. To see how far she has fallen from where she was, and to think God does not care. To see and "know" the senseless, self inflicted pain, so well defined now in her - so wounded and believing none can see. To her blindness and empowerment to remain so. And, so I pray.
Then the fact that God brings all of this up daily, sometimes more than. And to be overcome by His love for her, it is all I can do to keep my promise not to contact her and piss her off again, and again, and again. So, I wait for her to do so. And I pray.
To walk a life now dead. Unless you have lost your life, you would not understand. Imagine losing any ability to produce an income, most of your friends (to death or their anger) and then most of your family's good will. I can walk alone quite nicely, but I am not an island. I can manage okay - but even sociopaths need to be talked to, need to be touched, need to know they still are alive. This existence is becoming more than I can take much more of. No I am not suicidal, I have not given up yet. So, I pray.
And that lone emotion, in the vacuum of my being. I never needed, wanted or ever asked for nor could have even imagined something like that. Yet, God cuts the bars with which I bind it - randomly, bringing unbelievable pain. So, I pray.
At all of these, to each of these, my body reacts with increased heart problems. Sometimes I can go a day without knowing how close I am to the next heart attack. It lay there as a constant reminder that my days are fragile and the need for care, but I can not control what God stirs up within me. So, I pray and it goes away, again, until the next time.
I have little belief I will live to see my daughter again. But, I know I will.
I have little belief I will see God bring down those whom deceived and lied to her. But, I know He will.
I have little belief that she will know, understand and see. Yet I know one day she will.
I have little belief that she will ever understand what laid on the path she fled. Yet God may tell.....
It is not a crisis of faith, for mine has never been greater.
But, I see mortality in sharp contrast to desire.
It is the futility of man to know, to hope and to desire but to be unable to accomplish.
And that last God given task of my life, will it ever be, or will that too be lost?
And so I pray to last long enough, to hold out, to overcome.....
Monday, November 19, 2012
What A Show!
Wow! What a difference between this show and last weekends! Wow!
Sold plenty of stuff, my house is definately lighter by many pounds now, of course I bought some interesting stuff as well. My strategy of pricing low what I did not want to take home worked very well. As did the idea of being middle of the road with what I did not care if it sold either. And I did get to keep what I priced high, which is exactly what I wanted in to do. So very happy.
Some art books on northwest coastal indians and their arts/crafts. A very old collection of stone tools, from before the Columbia River dams had been built. A really old Griswald meat grinder. Several knives. And some shooting stuff.
Dutchman did not sell anything until right as we were packing up. As I mentioned earlier, he had decided to price himself high. So he was happy in the end.
And my knife maker friend, sold several, two of them to me - so he should be very happy with his first show. He did not sell any of the expensive ones, but the ones he made, I think he did well on.
So I will leave you with this interesting tidbit from the show:
I went in the mens room and in one of the stalls, door open, was a guy whom had taken off all of his clothing and was hopping up and down like a monkey on the toilet seat. Now if you have a clue what that one was about ..... no, best not tell me. I am such a coward, I ran.
Sold plenty of stuff, my house is definately lighter by many pounds now, of course I bought some interesting stuff as well. My strategy of pricing low what I did not want to take home worked very well. As did the idea of being middle of the road with what I did not care if it sold either. And I did get to keep what I priced high, which is exactly what I wanted in to do. So very happy.
Some art books on northwest coastal indians and their arts/crafts. A very old collection of stone tools, from before the Columbia River dams had been built. A really old Griswald meat grinder. Several knives. And some shooting stuff.
Dutchman did not sell anything until right as we were packing up. As I mentioned earlier, he had decided to price himself high. So he was happy in the end.
And my knife maker friend, sold several, two of them to me - so he should be very happy with his first show. He did not sell any of the expensive ones, but the ones he made, I think he did well on.
So I will leave you with this interesting tidbit from the show:
I went in the mens room and in one of the stalls, door open, was a guy whom had taken off all of his clothing and was hopping up and down like a monkey on the toilet seat. Now if you have a clue what that one was about ..... no, best not tell me. I am such a coward, I ran.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Remoras
So I have spent most of my free time for this week trying to get ready for the show this weekend - and this afternoon was set up.
I guess you just forget what doing some shows are like..... Always the same people, circling the tables as you are trying to set up, having to touch everything, demanding prices when you are not prepared to sell anything! Drives me crazy!
But, it is always so, no matter the country, no matter the type of show.
Saw quite a few people I vaguely remember from two years ago. They just look older, so why don't I? LOL!!!
Well still tons of labels to prepare. I will tell you how the show goes tomorrow.
I guess you just forget what doing some shows are like..... Always the same people, circling the tables as you are trying to set up, having to touch everything, demanding prices when you are not prepared to sell anything! Drives me crazy!
But, it is always so, no matter the country, no matter the type of show.
Saw quite a few people I vaguely remember from two years ago. They just look older, so why don't I? LOL!!!
Well still tons of labels to prepare. I will tell you how the show goes tomorrow.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Clean Up
So, Wednesday I have been cleaning firearms. Seems that when I took daughter shooting earlier this year, I failed to clean them. Thank heavens I only shoot high quality ammo with non-corrosive primers! It took all afternoon to make it through three rifles and four revolvers and one pistol. Still a huge pile to work through but thankfully none of them are black powder or I might never finish this month!
Why now?
Well, there is a gun show this weekend and I am hoping to sell off most of my collection. The ones I want to keep will have impressive prices, the others will all be very affordable.
I continue to work towards the liquidation of all I have, with the view towards that future day when God will be calling me to a rendezvous, should I live that long. And should that day never come (since that path has been badly damaged), I will be none the poorer nor none the richer for having unburdened my life and reduced my crushing debts from father's death. At this point in my life, there is little meaning to be found in most anything. My profile statement to the left, if you are on a monitor, has explained this readily since June. I look forward to the day when God once again will position me for a particular role I am to play, but for now I must continue to recover from July.....
I have Dutchman joining me as he did two years ago, what a disaster that show was! Hoping for much better this time around. Dutchman is planning on price gouging for black uglies, so I should look pretty good by comparison. I will let you know on Monday how it goes. Also rejoining us will be one of my youth's whom has been learning how to forge knives. I do not know how he will do but it will give him confidence if he can sell a few!
Well, time to get back to it.
Now where is that clothes pin for my nose ..... ?
Why now?
Well, there is a gun show this weekend and I am hoping to sell off most of my collection. The ones I want to keep will have impressive prices, the others will all be very affordable.
I continue to work towards the liquidation of all I have, with the view towards that future day when God will be calling me to a rendezvous, should I live that long. And should that day never come (since that path has been badly damaged), I will be none the poorer nor none the richer for having unburdened my life and reduced my crushing debts from father's death. At this point in my life, there is little meaning to be found in most anything. My profile statement to the left, if you are on a monitor, has explained this readily since June. I look forward to the day when God once again will position me for a particular role I am to play, but for now I must continue to recover from July.....
I have Dutchman joining me as he did two years ago, what a disaster that show was! Hoping for much better this time around. Dutchman is planning on price gouging for black uglies, so I should look pretty good by comparison. I will let you know on Monday how it goes. Also rejoining us will be one of my youth's whom has been learning how to forge knives. I do not know how he will do but it will give him confidence if he can sell a few!
Well, time to get back to it.
Now where is that clothes pin for my nose ..... ?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Skyfall
I am very tempted to write this in a very different manner, because God brought to mind my old friend Spook, whom you can read about elsewhere on this site. The story is not that far from a 1980's incident few are aware of.....
Had the movie ended at the opening credits, it would have already been worth the ticket price. It was awesome. But, there was still a two hour movie behind this and it was - very different, very good, and were it not a Bond, it still would have been a great movie. But, for the reality of what happened .....
Spook and his life came back sharply into focus in my mind as the story unwound. I probably have not thought of him in over a year, maybe two. I think Daniel Craig does a commendable job of portraying the man Spook was, though Spook had far more blood on his hands than Bond would ever dream of - because no one would believe it. But, Craig never could portray the loss of humanity this life actually brings in reality, nor the damage done to the soul. In Spook that damage, he could recognize but not understand because he had no basis for which to understand from. Though Pierce Brosnon did a decent job of this, but not the rest. This I am assured is why God brought me into his life - a broken man, showing another broken man, that life does not have to be this way. Now that I think of it, just search on Spook and read his story - remember that the oldest is the earliest in the sequence.
Back to Skyfall.
One of the best chase sequences I have ever seen, believable situations, timely in its message, yeah a fantasy but not so unbelievable.
The bad, humorous shooting sequences they should have known better about. Have to have one "sex" scene every 20 minutes or so, but since there is no real nudity, still older teen friendly. Unfortunately, everyone ends up getting killed, so the movie probably ought to have been called Resurrection, at least for Bond.
Were it not for Quantum of Solace, this is probably the best of the series yet. But, QofS had something no other Bond contained and I am not going to tell you what it was that would make me vote for it as best Bond ever. I will let that be my secret.....
Had the movie ended at the opening credits, it would have already been worth the ticket price. It was awesome. But, there was still a two hour movie behind this and it was - very different, very good, and were it not a Bond, it still would have been a great movie. But, for the reality of what happened .....
Spook and his life came back sharply into focus in my mind as the story unwound. I probably have not thought of him in over a year, maybe two. I think Daniel Craig does a commendable job of portraying the man Spook was, though Spook had far more blood on his hands than Bond would ever dream of - because no one would believe it. But, Craig never could portray the loss of humanity this life actually brings in reality, nor the damage done to the soul. In Spook that damage, he could recognize but not understand because he had no basis for which to understand from. Though Pierce Brosnon did a decent job of this, but not the rest. This I am assured is why God brought me into his life - a broken man, showing another broken man, that life does not have to be this way. Now that I think of it, just search on Spook and read his story - remember that the oldest is the earliest in the sequence.
Back to Skyfall.
One of the best chase sequences I have ever seen, believable situations, timely in its message, yeah a fantasy but not so unbelievable.
The bad, humorous shooting sequences they should have known better about. Have to have one "sex" scene every 20 minutes or so, but since there is no real nudity, still older teen friendly. Unfortunately, everyone ends up getting killed, so the movie probably ought to have been called Resurrection, at least for Bond.
Were it not for Quantum of Solace, this is probably the best of the series yet. But, QofS had something no other Bond contained and I am not going to tell you what it was that would make me vote for it as best Bond ever. I will let that be my secret.....
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fire And Brimestone
Okay, so you have to understand that my sister being here is the first time I have had to talk with my sister since father's funeral in 2010. There could have been much to talk about but, no, not on her agenda! She lit into me like the demon from Hell I remember so well from my youth..... Why? Because of Yesfir.
Now, I have told her nothing of Yesfir, Gaelic Girl does not even deal with my sister and my mother knows nothing of Yesfir either. However, oldest daughter might have been doing some talking with my sister. In the end, a VERY heated sister offers the repeated advice I have heard so often this summer and fall:
So, I find that in the "hang in there" court is limited to Dutchman, my mother and my daughter's spirit (which she can not control, as August showed). In the opposing side, we have everyone else including my church, family and those whom used to be my friends.
Now, Sunday I am having a heart to heart with God as I drive the hour to the antique show. What am I to do? "Everyone" says jump ship and common sense says to walk away, and yet, that is man and his logic and his ways. Man is always opposed to what is of God. Yet, I am being hammered by everyone, no one believes in my daughter - save for me. Dutchman believes in me, because he knows me to my core. Mother is just crazy, so I have to discount whatever way she tends to lean. Lick finger, stick into the wind.
Well God?
And He reminded me of my confusion when Yesfir was here, how I would say something, and I would instantly in my spirit see myself saying exactly the same thing in another situation, to a very different Yesfir. It would drive me crazy. And I now understood, He was showing me the dual nature of this situation. Now and again later. It would seem a broken Yesfir will be returned at some point in time.
So, Kris, do you believe what God says, or do you believe man? Easy, God, always.
Do you believe that God was speaking to you this year? Yeah.
Then? I wait, I continue to pray and fight spiritually over what rules her - until she returns.
Now, you have to remember, I have this problem: I am genetically broken, I can turn and walk away and never look back. Not because I do not care, but because there is no internal attachment which can hold me - other than my own sense of integrity. Except God gave me an emotion, the one unpredictable thing in my life. It also drives me crazy. It holds me, it torments me, it heals me. It may be the one "proof" that all I have been learning about this, this past weekend.....
So, I continue to pray.
Now, I have told her nothing of Yesfir, Gaelic Girl does not even deal with my sister and my mother knows nothing of Yesfir either. However, oldest daughter might have been doing some talking with my sister. In the end, a VERY heated sister offers the repeated advice I have heard so often this summer and fall:
- abandon Yesfir to her own destruction
- move on
- forget her
So, I find that in the "hang in there" court is limited to Dutchman, my mother and my daughter's spirit (which she can not control, as August showed). In the opposing side, we have everyone else including my church, family and those whom used to be my friends.
Now, Sunday I am having a heart to heart with God as I drive the hour to the antique show. What am I to do? "Everyone" says jump ship and common sense says to walk away, and yet, that is man and his logic and his ways. Man is always opposed to what is of God. Yet, I am being hammered by everyone, no one believes in my daughter - save for me. Dutchman believes in me, because he knows me to my core. Mother is just crazy, so I have to discount whatever way she tends to lean. Lick finger, stick into the wind.
Well God?
And He reminded me of my confusion when Yesfir was here, how I would say something, and I would instantly in my spirit see myself saying exactly the same thing in another situation, to a very different Yesfir. It would drive me crazy. And I now understood, He was showing me the dual nature of this situation. Now and again later. It would seem a broken Yesfir will be returned at some point in time.
So, Kris, do you believe what God says, or do you believe man? Easy, God, always.
Do you believe that God was speaking to you this year? Yeah.
Then? I wait, I continue to pray and fight spiritually over what rules her - until she returns.
Now, you have to remember, I have this problem: I am genetically broken, I can turn and walk away and never look back. Not because I do not care, but because there is no internal attachment which can hold me - other than my own sense of integrity. Except God gave me an emotion, the one unpredictable thing in my life. It also drives me crazy. It holds me, it torments me, it heals me. It may be the one "proof" that all I have been learning about this, this past weekend.....
So, I continue to pray.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Show
So I worked an antique show over the weekend, mostly because my mother and sister would also be there. It was fun, it was maddening, always reminding me why my mother and I have not talked with one another for most of my life.
But the show was horrible! This was the third year I have done this and it was by far the worst. I did about 10% in sales compared to last year, mother did about 1/3 and my sister did okay but really had come to shop for her antique malls she has in Minnesota and Wisconsin. So, if this is a reflection on the strength of the economy, oh boy, bad times ahead! I even tried dropping my prices but as as many found out, even at 50% off very little was moving.
Of course, I love to people watch and this show yields some real gems that I have to try and figure out how to tell the tales..... We will see. But, sadly for me, was the understanding daughter brought into my life of the brokenness a woman can have, and I can see them now and understand, and it hurts, and it angers me, and I want to help but God has not given me the answer for them, only for one. Sigh...... And one of them I could see so clearly her call for help, and she saw that I understood, and she literally ran away. To be expected, with brokenness. It literally made me ill.
I was officially nominated to the klutz hall of fame: on top of being in a brace for my broken ankle, I managed to slice and dice a hand fixing a windshield wiper. Don't ask, it wasn't pretty and afterall it was in full klutz mode. A lady from my church was there as I came out of the bathroom with my hand wrapped in paper towels, blood every were. She had a first aid kit in hand and between three women they did a nice job. I was just going to look for some windex and say, "pucker power!" to tighten the skin and stop the bleeding.
God shared an interesting observation with me about faith, I will have to post it after I come to.
Well, exhaustion has overcome me and I want to post this before morning as the day is rush-rush-rush!
But the show was horrible! This was the third year I have done this and it was by far the worst. I did about 10% in sales compared to last year, mother did about 1/3 and my sister did okay but really had come to shop for her antique malls she has in Minnesota and Wisconsin. So, if this is a reflection on the strength of the economy, oh boy, bad times ahead! I even tried dropping my prices but as as many found out, even at 50% off very little was moving.
Of course, I love to people watch and this show yields some real gems that I have to try and figure out how to tell the tales..... We will see. But, sadly for me, was the understanding daughter brought into my life of the brokenness a woman can have, and I can see them now and understand, and it hurts, and it angers me, and I want to help but God has not given me the answer for them, only for one. Sigh...... And one of them I could see so clearly her call for help, and she saw that I understood, and she literally ran away. To be expected, with brokenness. It literally made me ill.
I was officially nominated to the klutz hall of fame: on top of being in a brace for my broken ankle, I managed to slice and dice a hand fixing a windshield wiper. Don't ask, it wasn't pretty and afterall it was in full klutz mode. A lady from my church was there as I came out of the bathroom with my hand wrapped in paper towels, blood every were. She had a first aid kit in hand and between three women they did a nice job. I was just going to look for some windex and say, "pucker power!" to tighten the skin and stop the bleeding.
God shared an interesting observation with me about faith, I will have to post it after I come to.
Well, exhaustion has overcome me and I want to post this before morning as the day is rush-rush-rush!
Friday, November 9, 2012
Such A Week!
I am amazed I have made it to Friday! But will I survive the weekend is the question.....
Tuesday the fever from the flu finally broke, thank you generous flu shot manufacturers, I can not tell you what a joy it was to set a shot for protection and find it had LIVE virus.....
Then my college online account was not working until Wednesday, so I could not do any of my homework from the prior weekend or due this week.
So, I was able to catch up to last Sunday in my math class.
Fell behind a week in my forensics class.
And have no hope on my Unix midterm.
I have 19 assignments due by Sunday night, all of them in the 3-4 hours each to accomplish, however I am working an antique show this week (need cash!) - 36 hours during this same period of time!
Yeah, not going to work, I don't think. And, yet it must, somehow - or at lest get close.
I would love to post about today's circus at lunch but will save that one for next week - you would simply not believe what my mother did, in public .....
cheers!
Tuesday the fever from the flu finally broke, thank you generous flu shot manufacturers, I can not tell you what a joy it was to set a shot for protection and find it had LIVE virus.....
Then my college online account was not working until Wednesday, so I could not do any of my homework from the prior weekend or due this week.
So, I was able to catch up to last Sunday in my math class.
Fell behind a week in my forensics class.
And have no hope on my Unix midterm.
I have 19 assignments due by Sunday night, all of them in the 3-4 hours each to accomplish, however I am working an antique show this week (need cash!) - 36 hours during this same period of time!
Yeah, not going to work, I don't think. And, yet it must, somehow - or at lest get close.
I would love to post about today's circus at lunch but will save that one for next week - you would simply not believe what my mother did, in public .....
cheers!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Where is God?
As I have mentioned, this is the worse year of my life and in one way the best year of my life. I have lost a huge percent of my friends through death (cancer and old age), I have lost a daughter, alienated almost all of my living friends and my family, gone through a host of injuries, two heart attacks and from my viewpoint - failed God at what should have been a simple task with an odd twist to it. And yes, I have asked where God is. He is the power of this creation and yet quietly has been happy to see me do the best I can and pay a very great price for it. He could blink, and all of it could have been so easily avoided.....
But, that was not the path he chose for me or those journeying along my path. And I have grieved, not for myself, but for the loss of friends, family and choices my children have made this year. So, where was God?
Jesus certainly understood grief. He got to see His people turn on Him and kill Him. He had plenty of opportunities to understand grief - somewhere along the line He lost his grandparents and his father. And in John 11:28-37 we have the loss of a close friend......
The problem of suffering is that we view ourselves as being Job. Life (God) has dumped on us, we are innocent, no one will sympathize, so just curse God and die - right? For better or worse, Job did have some friends whom came and sat with him. He had a wife that needed muzzled, well maybe most of his friends too! But, no one did understand. No one really knew what to say, or what they did was inappropriate to the situation.
Yeah, the last thing you really need when you are in pain are those around you whom would help by trying to minimize your pain - "well, at least ....."! Having someone explain how God works is really a bad idea - since we do not really understand the how or why's of God's work in our lives - except in retrospect. And don't you just love it when someone offers you worn out cliche's as salve for your wounds? Yeah, all of Job's friends forgot that his situation was not about them or their comfort - it was about him and his pain.
Back to John's narrative of Jesus, He was moved or troubled in verse 33 at the death of His friend. Anger, or He was mad at the situation. Our anger should be towards death, for it is an unnatural occurrence in our lives. And, the sin, which has brought death into existence in our lives.
And Jesus wept. In verse 35 He cried and in verse 36, He was seen crying. Yeah, real men do cry. We know that David cried, as did all of the prophets and disciples as well. It is okay to show emotion (unless you are me! LOL!). And to that end we need to accept and be real with our emotions at least around those we love.
So, where is God when I hurt? Waiting for me to turn to Him for comfort. Assuming of course that I was not the reason for the problem in the first place! In which case, I need to work on my failure instead of wasting time weeping over my plight......
But, that was not the path he chose for me or those journeying along my path. And I have grieved, not for myself, but for the loss of friends, family and choices my children have made this year. So, where was God?
Jesus certainly understood grief. He got to see His people turn on Him and kill Him. He had plenty of opportunities to understand grief - somewhere along the line He lost his grandparents and his father. And in John 11:28-37 we have the loss of a close friend......
The problem of suffering is that we view ourselves as being Job. Life (God) has dumped on us, we are innocent, no one will sympathize, so just curse God and die - right? For better or worse, Job did have some friends whom came and sat with him. He had a wife that needed muzzled, well maybe most of his friends too! But, no one did understand. No one really knew what to say, or what they did was inappropriate to the situation.
Yeah, the last thing you really need when you are in pain are those around you whom would help by trying to minimize your pain - "well, at least ....."! Having someone explain how God works is really a bad idea - since we do not really understand the how or why's of God's work in our lives - except in retrospect. And don't you just love it when someone offers you worn out cliche's as salve for your wounds? Yeah, all of Job's friends forgot that his situation was not about them or their comfort - it was about him and his pain.
Back to John's narrative of Jesus, He was moved or troubled in verse 33 at the death of His friend. Anger, or He was mad at the situation. Our anger should be towards death, for it is an unnatural occurrence in our lives. And, the sin, which has brought death into existence in our lives.
And Jesus wept. In verse 35 He cried and in verse 36, He was seen crying. Yeah, real men do cry. We know that David cried, as did all of the prophets and disciples as well. It is okay to show emotion (unless you are me! LOL!). And to that end we need to accept and be real with our emotions at least around those we love.
So, where is God when I hurt? Waiting for me to turn to Him for comfort. Assuming of course that I was not the reason for the problem in the first place! In which case, I need to work on my failure instead of wasting time weeping over my plight......
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
"In His Name"
I was half listening to two guys discussing prayer; one frustrated that his prayers are not answered, the other more than happy to share modern Christian superstition with him.....
Consider John 14:12-14.
12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.
Sometimes you have to wonder at Jesus' words. Think of this, He just said here that He would do what ever you ask in His name..... And He knows the hearts of men are desperately wicked, the regenerate usually not much better. And so we have the source of a ton of bad theology within the Western Church that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING we ask will be accomplished and done just because we asked for it "in His name".....
Well, it does not take much for someone look at that and think, "uhm, I don't think that can mean what they say it means.....". And you would be right. Because there are a few fine points to think on before committing yourself to superstition or flailing yourself because obviously your faith was too weak and your prayers go unanswered.
Does that mean there is some sort of catch in here? Well, yeah! Let us start off easy: You. Are you saved? Are you sure? I know so many now, whom I am convinced are not, and yet a year ago I had no problem with taking them at their word. But, my eyes were forcibly ripped opened this year to see that all is not what it seems. We take no account of our sin but magnify the sins of those around us. So how is the old sin life these days? We gossip, we slander, we deceive, we think ourselves above others, we live openly in rebellion and dare all comers to call us on it. And that just covers my family. How is yours doing so far? No excuse making here! It is rubber on the road time. But, for the grace of God none us would ever be found worthy.....
And then there is the object or subject of the prayer: is it something God should care about? No, the election is beyond His concern - except under American Theology, no sporting events are not His concern - except under A.T. as well, no God does not give a wit about your dog sparky and its fleas, you marital status is not His problem, nor your car's need for fuel, nor that you are so happy for that steak dinner you are sitting down to. So what does God care about?
You will have God's undivided attention when you are praying concerning the lost, reaching a certain person for salvation, changing the course of one fallen away, problems within the church, anything and everything to do with outreach - nothing to do with entertaining ourselves. Anything to do with witnessing, or validating the witness, nothing to do with your comfort or pleasures.
Whoa! Wait a minute! God says somewhere He wants His best for us! We are to be the kings and rulers of our realms! Really? You are a better Christian because you were born rich, than the Christian in Nigeria whom may not even have a dung hut to live in and just hopes to not be eaten during the night? Welcome to toxic faith of the American Church, where wealth and might make right - it proves God is behind us after-all. But, in reality, this is called pride of life. It is a much condemn sin by the way, just if you were interested......
Okay, okay, I can expect God to answer my prayers concerning outreach, but He does answer other prayers as well. Yup, and this the entire point of this post. God will answer prayers, as He wants to, when He wants to, how He wants to. And just by tagging, "In His Name" on to your prayer is not going to move God one way or the other. But it does move you.
And, the direction you are moved, is to the side God is on, by praying "In His Name" ..... What you are really saying is that you want what He wants, for whatever the situation is.
Consider: Psalm 8:1, 103:1, 148:13; 1 Samuel 17:45
As a side note, there are even those whom believe that by praying, "In His Name", this is really God speaking. Nope, it is just you or whomever. But, by praying so, we are asking for His authority to be behind our words.
We need to be praying God's agenda in our lives, the lives of our loved ones, in the lives of those around us, our church and our nation. We need to be siding with God on all issues, in constant prayer for His values to be reflected in our lives. It will conform us to Him, it will change how we see the world and because of this, as Jesus said, we will do greater things than He.....
And, as for our two arguers whom started this thread thought? They both are now superstitious about magic words in their prayers.....
Pssssst, There are No Christian magic words .....
Consider John 14:12-14.
12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.
Sometimes you have to wonder at Jesus' words. Think of this, He just said here that He would do what ever you ask in His name..... And He knows the hearts of men are desperately wicked, the regenerate usually not much better. And so we have the source of a ton of bad theology within the Western Church that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING we ask will be accomplished and done just because we asked for it "in His name".....
Well, it does not take much for someone look at that and think, "uhm, I don't think that can mean what they say it means.....". And you would be right. Because there are a few fine points to think on before committing yourself to superstition or flailing yourself because obviously your faith was too weak and your prayers go unanswered.
Does that mean there is some sort of catch in here? Well, yeah! Let us start off easy: You. Are you saved? Are you sure? I know so many now, whom I am convinced are not, and yet a year ago I had no problem with taking them at their word. But, my eyes were forcibly ripped opened this year to see that all is not what it seems. We take no account of our sin but magnify the sins of those around us. So how is the old sin life these days? We gossip, we slander, we deceive, we think ourselves above others, we live openly in rebellion and dare all comers to call us on it. And that just covers my family. How is yours doing so far? No excuse making here! It is rubber on the road time. But, for the grace of God none us would ever be found worthy.....
And then there is the object or subject of the prayer: is it something God should care about? No, the election is beyond His concern - except under American Theology, no sporting events are not His concern - except under A.T. as well, no God does not give a wit about your dog sparky and its fleas, you marital status is not His problem, nor your car's need for fuel, nor that you are so happy for that steak dinner you are sitting down to. So what does God care about?
You will have God's undivided attention when you are praying concerning the lost, reaching a certain person for salvation, changing the course of one fallen away, problems within the church, anything and everything to do with outreach - nothing to do with entertaining ourselves. Anything to do with witnessing, or validating the witness, nothing to do with your comfort or pleasures.
Whoa! Wait a minute! God says somewhere He wants His best for us! We are to be the kings and rulers of our realms! Really? You are a better Christian because you were born rich, than the Christian in Nigeria whom may not even have a dung hut to live in and just hopes to not be eaten during the night? Welcome to toxic faith of the American Church, where wealth and might make right - it proves God is behind us after-all. But, in reality, this is called pride of life. It is a much condemn sin by the way, just if you were interested......
Okay, okay, I can expect God to answer my prayers concerning outreach, but He does answer other prayers as well. Yup, and this the entire point of this post. God will answer prayers, as He wants to, when He wants to, how He wants to. And just by tagging, "In His Name" on to your prayer is not going to move God one way or the other. But it does move you.
And, the direction you are moved, is to the side God is on, by praying "In His Name" ..... What you are really saying is that you want what He wants, for whatever the situation is.
Consider: Psalm 8:1, 103:1, 148:13; 1 Samuel 17:45
As a side note, there are even those whom believe that by praying, "In His Name", this is really God speaking. Nope, it is just you or whomever. But, by praying so, we are asking for His authority to be behind our words.
We need to be praying God's agenda in our lives, the lives of our loved ones, in the lives of those around us, our church and our nation. We need to be siding with God on all issues, in constant prayer for His values to be reflected in our lives. It will conform us to Him, it will change how we see the world and because of this, as Jesus said, we will do greater things than He.....
And, as for our two arguers whom started this thread thought? They both are now superstitious about magic words in their prayers.....
Pssssst, There are No Christian magic words .....
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
God versus Political Correctness
"I am the Way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me....." With these words, Jesus set himself apart from man and clearly announced that He was the way to God, not the tradition of Judaism Israel had practiced for two millenia. Not only was Jesus not politically correct in His day, He remains so to this day! Absolutes are never tolerated.....
If Jesus is the only way to God, then all other spiritual paths/roads do not lead to Heaven!
People in our culture like to harken back to the good old days. Movies like Miracle on 34th Street or It's a Wonderful Life, have huge following - looking back at a time where there must have been more purity and innocence in our culture than we have today. But, try as one might, those days are not going to come back to a culture hell bent on ..... well, that is the point! We are running away from God so fast that it is hard to just keep up! If you want to witness within this culture.....
We are no longer a homogenous society, I am not exactly sure America ever was. Religious pluralism is rampant even within our churches and amongst our friends. So many want God on their terms and not His. Or worse, the misled, then mislead the babes of the faith to make them what they think a Christian should be. So many in the Church believe that all roads within the Church lead to God, when in fact they lead to destruction. And what I find so fascinating, is when these believers slam face first into someone whom actually does represent the historic Jesus and Christianity - and guess whom are the intolerant one? Yeah, the Christians wanting it all their own way and not terribly concerned whom they trample to get it.....
Religion is based upon works.
Christianity is based upon God's grace and your faith.
You really can not pick and choose your belief set, it is one or the other. And, religion is spiritual suicide.
"I am the path, the only way to God" Jesus really could not have made it anymore clear.
If you have no truth - you are not knowing the freedom salvation brings.
If you have no life - you have no living.
The "Way", the original term for Christianity, brings us to God - not our own ways, not things of this Earth.
When you communicate the Gospel, do so with compassion, speak the truth of Jesus in love.
But, you need to listen as well as speak! Give the answers sought. Do this with genuineness and respect for whom you are speaking. Do this in love.
Yes, absolutes are not politically correct, but that does not make them wrong. Concrete is concrete, you can call it a feather but it is going to hurt if dropped on you! Being concrete about the truth is not cruel, it is being kind, it is the only form of love we actually have when it comes to the absolutes of this life. To modify or tone down Jesus' message is to inflict tremendous cruelty upon the world. So, set forth! Be politically incorrect! Be narrow-minded! It is what a world of lost people need to hear and ultimately what it wants to hear.
Of course, it is all also what it does not want to hear because with knowledge comes responsibility.....
If Jesus is the only way to God, then all other spiritual paths/roads do not lead to Heaven!
People in our culture like to harken back to the good old days. Movies like Miracle on 34th Street or It's a Wonderful Life, have huge following - looking back at a time where there must have been more purity and innocence in our culture than we have today. But, try as one might, those days are not going to come back to a culture hell bent on ..... well, that is the point! We are running away from God so fast that it is hard to just keep up! If you want to witness within this culture.....
We are no longer a homogenous society, I am not exactly sure America ever was. Religious pluralism is rampant even within our churches and amongst our friends. So many want God on their terms and not His. Or worse, the misled, then mislead the babes of the faith to make them what they think a Christian should be. So many in the Church believe that all roads within the Church lead to God, when in fact they lead to destruction. And what I find so fascinating, is when these believers slam face first into someone whom actually does represent the historic Jesus and Christianity - and guess whom are the intolerant one? Yeah, the Christians wanting it all their own way and not terribly concerned whom they trample to get it.....
Religion is based upon works.
Christianity is based upon God's grace and your faith.
You really can not pick and choose your belief set, it is one or the other. And, religion is spiritual suicide.
"I am the path, the only way to God" Jesus really could not have made it anymore clear.
If you have no truth - you are not knowing the freedom salvation brings.
If you have no life - you have no living.
The "Way", the original term for Christianity, brings us to God - not our own ways, not things of this Earth.
When you communicate the Gospel, do so with compassion, speak the truth of Jesus in love.
But, you need to listen as well as speak! Give the answers sought. Do this with genuineness and respect for whom you are speaking. Do this in love.
Yes, absolutes are not politically correct, but that does not make them wrong. Concrete is concrete, you can call it a feather but it is going to hurt if dropped on you! Being concrete about the truth is not cruel, it is being kind, it is the only form of love we actually have when it comes to the absolutes of this life. To modify or tone down Jesus' message is to inflict tremendous cruelty upon the world. So, set forth! Be politically incorrect! Be narrow-minded! It is what a world of lost people need to hear and ultimately what it wants to hear.
Of course, it is all also what it does not want to hear because with knowledge comes responsibility.....
Monday, November 5, 2012
What Seperates You From God?
There are so many titles I have thought about for this post. How to know you are not a Christian. Why isn't everyone a Christian. Why are some Christians so "troubled". etc
Yeah, this is a little study I have put off doing for quite some time because it is a talk I wanted to have with one of my sisters, to help her understand how her excuses, only show that she is not what she thinks she is. Which kills me on the inside. She is tremendously strong - in man's wisdom and blinder than a bat in God's, and it took me decades to come to the understanding of this. Yeah, I may be terribly jaded but I can very naive at times with people I trust.
So, how did she get the way she is? She grew up in a Christian home, so she had the ability to observe. Or was it just family tradition? Had her family generations been "Christian" for so long that it had become family tradition to think and act a certain way? Certainly, as with any family, there were those bad examples in her life to make her see that all was not as she saw in her family structure. I have wondered at what point did she reach disbelief in her life? Did she even realize that she was making a choice to go her own way and not God's way? I know she has talked with me through the years about screw ups she had, which drove her away from God and she would stumble back. Or did she? At what point did her heart grow hard against the Holy Spirit so that it no longer could be heard in her life? Certainly, she reverted to a form of superstition to substitute for the loss of the HS in her life, using others whom either claimed to be "in touch" or she decided were more so than her. And then there is that little problem of the "knowledge", which often has left my mind swimming at how she has come to some of the conclusions she has. And in the end, I saw the problem defined for me through her various distractions which substitute for real fellowship in her life, making her and others feel good - but in no way bringing her or others closer to the real Jesus. As I said it has been a multi-decade puzzle.
Are you unimpressed with God? Think of Jesus' ministry. How many saw and/or knew of His miracles and did not care? Within our post-Christian culture, we are so used to the Bible and its message, that the culture's apathy is obviously rejection of the "standard". But, what I have come to understand is that within this culture is the problem of exposure to Jesus' message without having every made a decision. "So what ....." becomes the response to even the "Christmas" story.
So, this rejection I just mentioned, does that mean that God has failed? Rejection of Jesus was predicted by Isaiah! So, it is not failure, it is fulfilled prophesy every time man turns his back and heart on God.
So, are your habits hardening your heart? Have you allowed someone else, through man's logic, to steal your chance of salvation? The opportunity for response is not always going to be there as we harden our hearts or death intervenes or we just reach the point where we can no longer hear. It is and always has been a battle between our will and God's will. (And here I am reminded of sitting beside my father as he died. I had prayed for 35 years for his salvation, witnessed to him numerous times - and yet, here I sat next to a man I never really knew as he died in a coma - no chance to have that "talk" one last time.....)
And what of "camouflage Christians"?
You might even be one, you know, the ones whom "believe" but will not confess to it, because they love the praise of men. We all want to be liked and loved, not rejected by those whom are important to us. But do we really need man's praise when the importance of eternal life is being considered? Consider Mark 8:38.
No, my sister does not read this blog and there is little I can do to have any input into her life. She believes she is a Christian, she drives herself crazy keeping busy with what she believes is the Christian life, and yet ..... Well, that is the problem I have come to understand, she has deluded herself. Perhaps somewhere deep inside she really is but has just buried that new creation to that point that it is now so compromised with sin that there is no life possible for it. But, the day will come again, when God will show her the error of her way. She will again feel dumb, having to apologize to everyone, etc..... But, unlike past cycles of this, I now understand and will be ready with to have this talk with her.
So, now I am saddled with another prayer item, as if my list is not already full enough!
Yeah, this is a little study I have put off doing for quite some time because it is a talk I wanted to have with one of my sisters, to help her understand how her excuses, only show that she is not what she thinks she is. Which kills me on the inside. She is tremendously strong - in man's wisdom and blinder than a bat in God's, and it took me decades to come to the understanding of this. Yeah, I may be terribly jaded but I can very naive at times with people I trust.
So, how did she get the way she is? She grew up in a Christian home, so she had the ability to observe. Or was it just family tradition? Had her family generations been "Christian" for so long that it had become family tradition to think and act a certain way? Certainly, as with any family, there were those bad examples in her life to make her see that all was not as she saw in her family structure. I have wondered at what point did she reach disbelief in her life? Did she even realize that she was making a choice to go her own way and not God's way? I know she has talked with me through the years about screw ups she had, which drove her away from God and she would stumble back. Or did she? At what point did her heart grow hard against the Holy Spirit so that it no longer could be heard in her life? Certainly, she reverted to a form of superstition to substitute for the loss of the HS in her life, using others whom either claimed to be "in touch" or she decided were more so than her. And then there is that little problem of the "knowledge", which often has left my mind swimming at how she has come to some of the conclusions she has. And in the end, I saw the problem defined for me through her various distractions which substitute for real fellowship in her life, making her and others feel good - but in no way bringing her or others closer to the real Jesus. As I said it has been a multi-decade puzzle.
Are you unimpressed with God? Think of Jesus' ministry. How many saw and/or knew of His miracles and did not care? Within our post-Christian culture, we are so used to the Bible and its message, that the culture's apathy is obviously rejection of the "standard". But, what I have come to understand is that within this culture is the problem of exposure to Jesus' message without having every made a decision. "So what ....." becomes the response to even the "Christmas" story.
So, this rejection I just mentioned, does that mean that God has failed? Rejection of Jesus was predicted by Isaiah! So, it is not failure, it is fulfilled prophesy every time man turns his back and heart on God.
So, are your habits hardening your heart? Have you allowed someone else, through man's logic, to steal your chance of salvation? The opportunity for response is not always going to be there as we harden our hearts or death intervenes or we just reach the point where we can no longer hear. It is and always has been a battle between our will and God's will. (And here I am reminded of sitting beside my father as he died. I had prayed for 35 years for his salvation, witnessed to him numerous times - and yet, here I sat next to a man I never really knew as he died in a coma - no chance to have that "talk" one last time.....)
And what of "camouflage Christians"?
You might even be one, you know, the ones whom "believe" but will not confess to it, because they love the praise of men. We all want to be liked and loved, not rejected by those whom are important to us. But do we really need man's praise when the importance of eternal life is being considered? Consider Mark 8:38.
No, my sister does not read this blog and there is little I can do to have any input into her life. She believes she is a Christian, she drives herself crazy keeping busy with what she believes is the Christian life, and yet ..... Well, that is the problem I have come to understand, she has deluded herself. Perhaps somewhere deep inside she really is but has just buried that new creation to that point that it is now so compromised with sin that there is no life possible for it. But, the day will come again, when God will show her the error of her way. She will again feel dumb, having to apologize to everyone, etc..... But, unlike past cycles of this, I now understand and will be ready with to have this talk with her.
So, now I am saddled with another prayer item, as if my list is not already full enough!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Musical Saturday Morning
Good morning dear readers! Yes!, it time for another great 1980's music video (though it may have been shot in the 1970's and then strung together to make a movie many years later...)! If you are not warped like me, you may wonder which demented universe this one came from.....
I was in Phoenix, working on a mining business I had at the time and being way too hot and tired, I headed to a local theater to cool off - and if I had to watch a movie, so be it! I was melting! What followed was a movie so funny I thought I was going to die. The BBC really out did themselves this time.
So, for the uninitiated, the Rutles - a very humerous take on the Beatles and I liked the Rutles music better.....
I was in Phoenix, working on a mining business I had at the time and being way too hot and tired, I headed to a local theater to cool off - and if I had to watch a movie, so be it! I was melting! What followed was a movie so funny I thought I was going to die. The BBC really out did themselves this time.
So, for the uninitiated, the Rutles - a very humerous take on the Beatles and I liked the Rutles music better.....
Friday, November 2, 2012
You Are The Vine
Thinking on Isaiah 5:1-2, Jeremiah 2:21, Psalm 80:8, Hosea 10:1, John 15:1-8.....
The vineyard belongs to God.
Israel is the vine.
They took pride in being God's vine. In being the chosen of mankind.
But, now things are changing. God is claiming the vine is really His and not the property of Israel. And, He will prune (dress) the vine as He desires!
By the first century AD, Israel had become rebellious - the "wild grapes".
Jesus comes on the scene and claims to be the true vine.
The disciples, by extension, you and I, are the branches.
God will prune the vine, aka the branches, a He sees fit.
By doing so He increases the yield of His vine.
God will lift the branches off of the ground, out of the mud, setting rocks under them to keep them dry so that they may bear fruit and not mold. This is the picture of His lifting us out of the mud of what surrounds us, setting us on rocks, so that we may bear fruit and not rot in the process!
God prunes to increase His yield, not to make the branch happy! Pruning is not punishment.
Hebrews 12
The vineyard belongs to God.
Israel is the vine.
They took pride in being God's vine. In being the chosen of mankind.
But, now things are changing. God is claiming the vine is really His and not the property of Israel. And, He will prune (dress) the vine as He desires!
By the first century AD, Israel had become rebellious - the "wild grapes".
Jesus comes on the scene and claims to be the true vine.
The disciples, by extension, you and I, are the branches.
God will prune the vine, aka the branches, a He sees fit.
By doing so He increases the yield of His vine.
God will lift the branches off of the ground, out of the mud, setting rocks under them to keep them dry so that they may bear fruit and not mold. This is the picture of His lifting us out of the mud of what surrounds us, setting us on rocks, so that we may bear fruit and not rot in the process!
God prunes to increase His yield, not to make the branch happy! Pruning is not punishment.
Hebrews 12
- we are disciplined for our own good
- we are to slow down and live life in Jesus
- we are to wake up and take the time to correct and recover our walks
- we are to deepen our roots through the increase of faith
- we are to look more like Jesus
Thursday, November 1, 2012
A Mess of a Halloween
No sorrow here that Halloween is over! It was quite a mess for me that is sure!
Gaelic Girl is here for an awards ceremony, thanks to the success of their last rocket. No, no money or pay increases for her but they brought the Texas and Washington teams together for chow and endearing words. Of course, that meant I got to be up at 5 am to get her to their complex - only there was a slight traffic problem!
Where two highways meet, about three miles from here, a car took a 15 mph cure too fast and flipped. Of course, it had to be a convertible - so probably a fatality at that. So, the police blocked off the ramp and divert all traffic out of the exit lane and over to the single lane heading east. Huge traffic jam because NO one wants to go east at that intersection! Then six cars in from of me decided to total each other out, so they had to be moved to the shoulder. Which was followed by four more doing the same just 75 yards further down the road. Eventually, I was able to get her to Kent.
Well, not enough time to do much, so I did some grocery shopping and then headed off to school for my one hour class on Wednesdays.
Then I met up with Dutchman for lunch, whom showed up to apologize for not being more supportive. He actually has been the only one whom has been through the past year. But, his wife just hit mid-life and now he understands all of the horror I have gone through, when ever GG is around! So, we had a good discussion about the past year and all of the "stuff" that went on. He now can understand extremely well.
Back home, I started working on the dinner of snacks, since I expected lots of kids. Of course, I had to begin by smashing my bowl set (still have to clean up that mess today!). Then as I was prepping the table in the living room, I dropped the pan of bean dip on the livingroom carpet. What a mess! Then GG completely lost it and went ballistic over the dog getting into the trash, again. And of course, yet another lecture about how the house is a pig stye and I need to get my butt in gear and clean it. Of course, I am not allowed to throw son out, so somehow he whom trashes this house must stay and I have to clean up after him to keep her happy. I swear I can clean this house and he can trash it in under 15 minutes! No, it was not pretty, as usual. And me and God had yet another talk over this situation of this relationship.
No, she has been my best friend for many decades, I am not going anywhere. But it has been 11 years since she actually has been "here", which is to say a part of her family - extended or otherwise, including me. Hmmmm, thinking about this, it might actually have started in 1989, when she almost died from tick fever..... But, I guess that is not her fault though.
Later, as the family is all yakking, I am in the TV room with niece watching The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. She had never seen it and loved it.
But, even with all of the activity and all of the people here, really - all I wished that it was last year, when people still liked me and I was not the pariah of this house..... Niece will talk with me, but I am admittedly holding her at arms length - I have lost my ability to trust.
Gaelic Girl is here for an awards ceremony, thanks to the success of their last rocket. No, no money or pay increases for her but they brought the Texas and Washington teams together for chow and endearing words. Of course, that meant I got to be up at 5 am to get her to their complex - only there was a slight traffic problem!
Where two highways meet, about three miles from here, a car took a 15 mph cure too fast and flipped. Of course, it had to be a convertible - so probably a fatality at that. So, the police blocked off the ramp and divert all traffic out of the exit lane and over to the single lane heading east. Huge traffic jam because NO one wants to go east at that intersection! Then six cars in from of me decided to total each other out, so they had to be moved to the shoulder. Which was followed by four more doing the same just 75 yards further down the road. Eventually, I was able to get her to Kent.
Well, not enough time to do much, so I did some grocery shopping and then headed off to school for my one hour class on Wednesdays.
Then I met up with Dutchman for lunch, whom showed up to apologize for not being more supportive. He actually has been the only one whom has been through the past year. But, his wife just hit mid-life and now he understands all of the horror I have gone through, when ever GG is around! So, we had a good discussion about the past year and all of the "stuff" that went on. He now can understand extremely well.
Back home, I started working on the dinner of snacks, since I expected lots of kids. Of course, I had to begin by smashing my bowl set (still have to clean up that mess today!). Then as I was prepping the table in the living room, I dropped the pan of bean dip on the livingroom carpet. What a mess! Then GG completely lost it and went ballistic over the dog getting into the trash, again. And of course, yet another lecture about how the house is a pig stye and I need to get my butt in gear and clean it. Of course, I am not allowed to throw son out, so somehow he whom trashes this house must stay and I have to clean up after him to keep her happy. I swear I can clean this house and he can trash it in under 15 minutes! No, it was not pretty, as usual. And me and God had yet another talk over this situation of this relationship.
No, she has been my best friend for many decades, I am not going anywhere. But it has been 11 years since she actually has been "here", which is to say a part of her family - extended or otherwise, including me. Hmmmm, thinking about this, it might actually have started in 1989, when she almost died from tick fever..... But, I guess that is not her fault though.
Later, as the family is all yakking, I am in the TV room with niece watching The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. She had never seen it and loved it.
But, even with all of the activity and all of the people here, really - all I wished that it was last year, when people still liked me and I was not the pariah of this house..... Niece will talk with me, but I am admittedly holding her at arms length - I have lost my ability to trust.
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