Missionary Wife Falls

Unfortunately, we are now going to be discussing a friend, a very dear friend, someone so close it was originally thought 20 years ago that she was my wife!  So we put distance between us physically so that assumptions would go away but not mentally.  We have remained in close contact up until a few months ago.

Through the years, her husband became a very good friend as well of mine. He used to own one of the Munich hotspot techno bars!  He was a mess back then - PTSD from what went on the Balkans, too much death.  He was at the site where my cousin Bernard was executed in Bosnia - he told me things which have not even appeared in the Hague trials about what happened.  So yeah, blood brothers.

You might remember my mentioning many years ago about a wife, whom decided against her husband's wishes to go on the mission field and leave him with the kids.  He was a bit outraged, she really did not care less and told me from Chile that she may well not return.

Return she did, in time to have two more children, brought about by a couple's weekend for marriage counseling away.  Okay, I thought it was funny - and true according to him.  She was devasted and wanted to abort them ... and I thought, what has happened to my friend?

So, you know Kris, I confronted her.  It seems in Chile she had become romantically involved.  It wasn't serious, she left him behind, but it was physical.  We prayed together about this and I encouraged her to never return to Chile and only go on mission trips with her husband after this.

All was well for a number of years, but well, last August I got a note from her that she was leaving the church - too much gossip and evil things were being said about her husband.  So, I encouraged the both of them to find another church.  There are plenty of offerings in my little town.

And, silence.  Occasionally, I would get a recipe from her but never any real communication.  The husband was growing increasing upset and at one point was arrested for for hollering at the oldest son.  It was bogus, but it made him wake up and start to evaluate what was going on around him.  Why was he reacting this way?  It was too weird.

Then Thursday, he and I talked on the phone for many hours.  It seems she has been having an affair dating back to August with the same man, it is now out in the open and the husband has been pushed out to make room for this new guy.

I only learned this when I called him, because she had sent me nude pictures of herself.  The first ones were inappropriate, by evening time, they had become quite - uhm, heartbreaking.  My dear Elspeth had broken.  (yes, her real name!)

I as floored!

But, I meditated on this over the weekend.  Warning signs were there:

• her personality change
• willingness to kill her children
• the affair in Chile husband still does not know about
• the stresses of more children
• the stress of a PTSD husband
• the stress of poverty as he lost his job
• the willingness to offer her body, for ... what?

And she crumbled because she had walked away from her faith, the church and her friends.

God gave us friends to help support us, a church to help guide us and a faith built on rock.

Equally, God gave us a task to represent Him and when we fail and fall into sin, He will strip away our blessings.  It is painful to know, to witness, to comfort the casualties ...

I do not know what to do or say.  I can only offer distant statements of shock and sorrow for my vet friend.  She is not really talking still to me, so nothing I can do there.  And perhaps it is best I go away from her life ...

Prayer, lots of prayer.

A Wedding!

So, Kris is heading for Ohio!  Well, actually it is somewhere on the Indiana - Ohio border. 

Timothy is getting married in July.  He lives and works in Ohio, twelve feet off of the Indiana border.  The wedding is to take place about 100 yards inside of Indiana from where he lives.  Of course my being there is dependent up on finances.

Yes, Timothy called and asked me to be his best man.  I can hardly say no since I have known him for so long!  But, it was something I struggled with, my going to his wedding when I first heard of it months ago, because he is divorced (which I do not believe in) and his divorce was just about as weird of one as you could have!  His wife left him about six years ago now.  I could understand why she did, I could understand why Timothy could not/would not meet her even half way.  Of course, that little problem he only made worse and she only more insistent.  Palm plant on face!

Personally, as with most of my divorced friends, I pray for their reuniting and their hearts to soften.  Unfortunately, I have yet to see this happen once, but I am a romantic and I know God's will is that you reunite with your (ex-) spouse.  Yeah, there are situations where I do not pray that, especially when the guy is a complete mess and really should have been shot.  Mostly the guys that pull the flight routine.

But, given that Timothy's wife did abandon him, he did want to work out the situation and she refused all counseling, my Bible tells me that remarriage is acceptable.  Not the best, but allowable.  And, God will bless them.

So I have 15 weeks to lose more tonnage (I have lost 18 pounds so far this year!), get my feet healed so I can walk, get over my displeasure with the TSA for two flights, save up some money and get his car fixed!  Yeah, he is going out here for his honeymoon, so I know he is going to want to use that car and it is in major disrepair!  (It was in bad shape when he left for Texas three years ago!)

I wonder if any of my readers are in eastern Ohio, western Indiana.........?

Well, I must close and be off for the local college.  Today I have to do a paper on Technology and its impact on culture (like I really care!).  So hi-ho, hi-ho, its off to the research library I go!

What To Do In This Culture?

So the problem has been stated across the last several posts.  The Bible, our churches and our faith, should have a very black and white view on this entire Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage question.  But, something is missing: Justice.

Under the culture our Bible was written in - sexual sin was met by instant death.  It was ordered and expected to be carried out instantly by the local population!  The fact that Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery did not mean adultery was okay or forgivable as far as anyone was concerned - the Pharisees He faced had not brought the man.  The Law required both be brought for justice.  The woman to explain if she had cried out for help and if not - both were to die; if she had cried out then just he was to die; assuming she did not want to marry him on the spot - with no hope for a divorce by him ever.  (And people say God does not have a sense of humor....)

Jesus could easily have forgiven both, but that was not the opportunity presented by the faithless Jews that day.

Yeah, a great many people are alive today, remarry and create even bigger messes, whom should have been killed in a just society.  Just in the area of sexual sin alone, which is not even taken seriously any longer, our population would be disseminated.

So, you have a faithless spouse?  They would be dead and you are free to remarry.
You have been abandoned?  You are still free to remarry, once granted a divorce.
Your wife was not a virgin?  Bible says you can divorce - but then take a long hard look at your own heart and your sins first.....
You are playing house before the marriage?  You must marry and may never leave or divorce.

But there were other death sentences which come to mind:

• Insurrectionists
• Blasphemers
• Witches/Magicians/Pharmacologists
• Murderers
• Those Responsible for Accidental Deaths
• Rapists

Yeah, a whole lot of people are marrying and remarrying whom would not even have been alive!  Which of course compounds the problems for everyone in those families and the broken families.

Which is why, we have such a huge need for this culture to turn its men back to God, back to justice and back to the family.  If the Church can not impact the man and turn his heart, then the family will be lost and with it what is left of God's Blessings.

Are you a Christian male, mature in his faith?  Please reach out to other men and begin an accountability group - especially in the area of sexual purity.  We are weak and the lure of the a world of conscience hardened woman is out there wanting to destroy us and our witness.  We have got to not only stand our ground when it comes to sexual purity, we have to take back ground lost within the Church through the sin and pride of others.  That will not be popular nor easy. 

Are you a female?  If you are married may I suggest you sincerely pray for God's protection of your man and your marriage?  If you have not married, may I suggest you aggressively pray for the sexual purity of your future spouse!  And that includes the freely available internet porn which is destroying young men even as you read this.....

Yes, it may well be that the inverse of these are both true, but I will not pretend to be so positive - you may well be however.....  So do it!

(Didn't go where you thought I would did I?)

Adultery

Adultery is so common today it is not even blinked at in my current church!  I have mentioned the barracuda which circles the guys of the church and ever so often manages to snag one, chew him up and then spit him back out.  Cowboy was the latest victim, he now appears to have permanently exited the church.  Embarrassment?  Guilt?  Whatever.  She is back to circling and no one has heard from or seen him.

And in my old church, let us not forget the faithless bride of 2010, her online lover, abandonment of her husband and then remarriage to a guy whom is a picture postcard of what she had just left.....

Of course, in our discussion of Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage - our Bible tells us that adultery plays quite a large part.

Sex before marriage - adultery.
Sex not with your spouse during marriage - adultery.
Divorced and have a fling - adultery.
You divorced or abandoned your spouse and they had a fling - you are guilty of their adultery.
You divorced or abandoned your spouse and they remarry - you are again guilty of their adultery.
You get remarried - you are committing adultery.
Hey guys - porno problem?  That is adultery as well!  Be honest now.

So, we have a superb passage in Malachi 2:10-17, and according to our New Testament, there is a whole lot of adultery going on out there in our 'modern' churches.  Adultery, no matter how you try to justify it, is sin.  But, it is a special sin (I Corinthians 6:15-18).  And, sorry but God will not bless you or His Church if you are in sin.  Period.

Oh, and lest we forget - adulterers (those whom live in and for adultery) will not be found in Heaven.

We are told to exclude those in sin from our congregations but not from our lives - so that they may be brought back into fellowship.

And here is the problem we create for ourselves - we say:

• Well they were not a Christian when the divorce occurred.
• They came to Christ after marriage and so divorce was unavoidable.
• Their spouse left them and lives somewhere else (abandonment).
• They have been married for X number of years and have been faithful.
• They have a family with the new spouse.
• "God" is blessing them.

Each of these statements I have heard numerous times, from pastors in justifying candidates for eldership, even pastoral, in churches I have attended.  Lets see, it is is not really adultery if any of the about 6 items is true?  Adultery, one of God's big hitters and the destruction of marriage - something else He is passionate about - are on a sliding scale of sin values?

If you are truthful with yourself - you have just discovered the real reason Christian families are failing worldwide, why the church has little witness any longer to a world awash in sin, and why there are a whole lot fewer faithful than you might like to believe in your fellowship.

But, there is a problem here that we do need to discuss next time in this line of thought.

Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage

One of the most annoying features I have found at my current church is they have never met a marriage they have not wanted to perform.  I have to wonder why and so have been thinking on marriage, divorce, remarriage, etc.

In the world I grew up in, life was so simple on such matters.  Engagement was taken very seriously.  No one would have even dreamt of asking someone to marry them unless they had the father/uncle/brother/whomever was still alive's permission, a real career, some money stashed away and a pretty strong relationship - that would be 3 to 5 years history already!  For all intents and purposes you were married at that point.  And God help you if you decided to "play" house a little early!  So much for the old myth of the 'loose' European.

Once you were married, that was it.   

Divorce was something those disgusting Americans did on their bases and in the big cities.  You wanted a local divorce, you had better have some hard and fast evidence as to why - and oh by the way, there were almost no conditions they were available under.  Cheating spouse?  Husband will probably kill the wife's lover.  Husband is cheating?  Expect the wife's male relatives to visit the bog one night with him.  Widows are allowed to remarry after all.  There was little sympathy for adulterers.....

Outside of the possible bloodbath that my medieval village lived with, in so far as marriage was concerned, it was pretty close to Biblical.  And quite a few Americans tried to get married in our little church - it was very charming but remarriage was never an option, which is what most were to have been.

Yes, once divorced you had one alternative as far as marriage was concerned - settle your difference and remarry your wife!  How the locals would howl at the reaction of the Americans when they heard that one!  Many a pint was hoisted over tales from the recorder's office......

To stick with a strictly Biblical view of this subject - one is left with a very unpopular belief set when compared with that of the world's view today on marriage, divorce and remarriage.

Marriage was strictly controlled.  You married within your faith, to an approved of spouse, and it was forever.  Bad parental choices and you could suffer that one forever.....  You chose to break tradition and do your own thing?  Well, you were excluded from the family, your friends and your religion.  A funeral would be held for you.  Yeah, God is pretty narrow minded on the subject of marriage - something this generation has forgotten.

Divorce is still a poorly understood one, however the Bible is quite clear on the subject:

• The female was not a virgin on the wedding night.  That is all there ever was.
• We are told that God allowed further divorce due to the hardness of man's heart - and I expect that to be included in the only allowable situation above as well.....  Are you listening guys?

Remarriage was possible under a few conditions:

• A spouse dies. 
• The other spouse's abandonment was the cause of divorce; the other spouse then either remarries or states in writing there is not a rats chance of you ever reconciling with them.
• Your original spouse decides to take you back and has not remarried or shacked up since.

Yet in our generation marriage means very little, no different than just shacking up except you get to have children given the father's name without a whole pile of paperwork.  What a maddening culture our prior generations and Hollywood have left us with!

Just as marriage is openly mocked by most today, so is divorce and remarriage.  You can get a divorce because "they have morning breath".  And you are free to roam off and marry someone far more enticing.....

I should mention that my father married eight times, my American grandmother 5 times.  I am intimately associated with divorce and remarriage and the cost borne by the following generations.

So you are not going to like where this is going.

Application of a Soap Opera

I would not be anything, if not a dolt, if I did not comment that the soap opera unfolding around here has had some impact with me.  When you consider that this tale has involved a runaway bride, jilted husband, online love interest and more than a bit of licentious goings on - it suddenly seems to have a familiar ring to it.  The role I played in that tale was the jilted husband.


Amazing to realize that it has been almost 40 years since I graduated college, did the civil filing for my marriage to the Swedish Model, left for a one month trip around Mexico (my gift to myself for actually making it through school!).  (Under Swiss law you must have a governmental approved marriage, hence civil union, however most Christians opt for the religious ceremony as being the actual point of marriage, even though, you are already legally married.)  Then returning home to find out that my bride-in-waiting (for our religious ceremony) and best friend were hard at it.  Yeah, just a bit of a surprise.

It took me years to get past the betrayal.  But have always been thankful to God I discovered her failings before I was truly stuck.  In time I forgave her, even having lunch with her a few times when she worked for my company.  I figured out that I had truly loved her - or at least the person I had known.  She died in my heart that Saturday morning, but in her faith and eventually, psychologically as well.  The still single - never married, middle aged woman whom exists today, no longer resembles the young woman I loved.  That young woman is long dead (her annulment just nailed the coffin shut).  Then decades later, through an unexpected friendship, I found those memories suddenly awakened and having to deal with them all over again!  Maybe that was my mid-life crisis?  May I not have to go through a year like that again!!!!!  And maybe that was a God thing too.....

As for my ex-best friend, I honestly tried to forgive him - it does take two to tango as they say.  But, I could never trust him again.  He went on to be a big cheese in a computer company in South Africa and on one of his visits - we had it out.  At first he denied everything but then I told him I had made a surprise visit to his apartment for what I had hoped would have been a great weekend, and what I had seen.  He got real quiet.  Even as it was, I could never trust him since he was apparently a liar as well. 

Sorry Don you were the worst brother to have ever existed.  Your divorce and abandonment of your children came as no surprise to those whom knew your true lack of character.

After ex-best friend, she moved on to several of my other friends, probably staying with Dutchman the longest.  I was really pissed off at him.  But, one day I went to his church to have it out and this man whom is about 50% bigger than me in all manner of speaking - just jutted out his jaw and said - "Give it your best shot, I have it coming."  And we both knew I could have shattered that jaw.  But, I had come to conciliate - because God was all over my heart on doing so.  We made our peace and have through the years both had to trust the other with the other's life far too many times to mention!

So, yeah, I see the parallels - one of the reasons I figured God had me involved in this latest tale.  Surprisingly, I find that I do not identify with the abandoned husband though.  I truly do believe that although jilted, he certainly had created a home environment under which even a slave would have revolted!  Nor do I identify with the new husband, she will find no peace with him until he finds the God I and she knows.  RB's parents, like my old-were-to-be in-laws, I can now understand their pain because mine sought me out and we made our peace long ago.  They even made a point of meeting my newly adopted family, once I had them back from Russia.  Though even at the time I knew it was causing them pain because they long so for grandchildren.  Whom would have ever thought, 40 years ago, that they too would learn to suffer for their part in SM's annulment of our civil union.  Yes, I forgave them as well, long ago, at their request, in my church at that time.  And, was that ever uncomfortable.

Today, such as when I have a high fever, my worst nightmare continues to be the thought of SM coming back into my life.  Amazing at how the mind works and what one learns to fear.....

Jesus Is The Focus

Continuing thoughts on John 8:1-11.  Last week I shared how the local pastor smacked down the congregation for their judgement and condemnation of last year's Runaway Bride, whom was visiting me and is now in hiding.

His idea was that when "sinners" cross our path we are to be like Jesus was with the woman "caught in adultery".

1.  Make your life about pardon, not punishment!
When you fail, do you need punishment or pardon - not only from God but your peers as well?
Do not seek to condemn others, treat everyone as persons and not pawns to make yourself appear or feel better!
Take the attention off of those in sin, focus yourself and them on the cross.

2.  Point to the cross!
Jesus went to the cross for a reason - our sins separating us from God.  His death bought our forgiveness and completed the promise (covenant) made between Abraham and God - oh so long ago!

3.  Be a safe place for sinners!
The wages of sin is death.  It is not a time out, a broken down car or a tooth cavity!
We each deserve death for our willingness to sin.
Just as you have found forgiveness in Jesus - show those in sin the way to the cross!


In my dealings with RB, I have been on my guard to not condemn her for what she has done.  She knows she has failed mightily - herself, her family, her husband, her faith.  She fears the same may hold true for her new husband and his family.  Her separation from her family is more or less a given.  My place is to continue to love her, even in her sin and show her once again Jesus and the cross.

And of interest was her parents being at this church this morning.  She obviously in shock, but her parents' faces told me the message - their daughter was forgiven and very much loved.  I should also mention that the parents brought first husband with them!

So I close this tale with the knowledge her family is reconciled, she is returning with her parents to reunite with her current husband and Tuesday will probably be the last I see of her.  Equally as important in this story, she and her abandoned husband have come to terms of some sort.  Probably as much for her mental health as his.  But, no he was not seated with them.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.....

Throwing Stones

So, to continue the story:

Runaway Bride has been at my church several times.  With me on my visits over here in 2010, before she suddenly left for Ohio, and for the past two weeks.  Just her presence has created quite a scandal!  And how people love to talk!

Of course, GOSSIP is wrong in the first place and thoroughly condemned by Paul!  And thinking on it, most of the problems I have found in ALL churches I have attended is the problem of gossip and the other is tolerating open sin in the Body.  But, these we will ignore at this time.....

Since I am not a part of the "In Crowd", I am not privy to most of what goes on.  Certainly, I have been aware of RB's discomfort at Church, which I wrote off as being her discomfort with her own situation.  But, I could be wrong.

It seems that there has been quite an uproar at her reappearance, and with me!, by those whom are ignorant of almost any knowledge.  And the pastor opened up Sunday morning with a shotgun blast into the congregation, then moved on to smack those still left standing!  Wow.

From John 8:1-11, has now spurred the hanging of a sign which reads: "This Is A No Rock Throwing Zone / Policy Strictly Enforced!".  And as for the shotgun blast:

1.  Treat All People As Persons, Not Pawns!
Pawns are viewed as being expendable and of little value.  People are important enough that Jesus chose to die for them.  You are a Person, just like those seated next to you!

This woman, caught in adultery and brought before Jesus, was being used as nothing more than a pawn to get to Jesus.  Those gathered had already broken the Law by not bringing forward the man whom had been with this woman.  She was just a pawn in their game.

We must treat people the way God does, as Persons.

2.  Put Down Your Stones!
We do not have to be the ones throwing stones!  We can choose not to, especially in light of others whom are more than willing to throw them at us!  Even if others are gathering stones, we DO NOT have to.....!

*****

Oh yeah, RB fled! and I have not seen her since 10 am Sunday morning.  She knew the sermon was a whack at those gossiping about her - but she also knew that the passage was about her as well.

So, been trying to find where she is now hiding, in hopes of continuing to be able to reach out to her.....

Taking Sides In A Soap Opera

I have probably never been so disappointed in another human being than I am right now feeling towards Timothy.  I have learned a great deal from the Runaway Bride about what all went on, which has brought her to where she is today.  And it seems Timothy bears more than just a bit of blame.

I still am not sure as to why RB is here, other than she is an emotional and mental mess.  What I can say for her new husband is that he is almost a spitting image of husband number one, whom is now also a friend of hers on FaceBook - my kids tell me.  Don't worry, it gets more confusing as we go along!

Now, Timothy back in 2009 had been living with RB and her first husband for some period of time.  Probably not a great idea, since they were still newlyweds and needed some space in which to define themselves as a couple.  He told me he was in Oregon back then.....  So weirdness number 1 (he lied to me, why?).  At some point in early 2010 he crossed swords with the husband and had to leave or was thrown out - weirdness number 2, as I can get no definition as to what went on.

This now brings us to my first knowledge of this - when she called me and told me what was up in 2010 and asked what to do.  She had planned a trip with her mother to Israel so I told her to see if a little separation could help the two of them get their lives back in order (that would be the month apart I am thinking!).  Timothy now gets her father, goes back and moves her out of the apartment, apparently with no one telling husband this was coming.  So he was a bit blindsided.  But, my father died and I was then in Colorado and very busy so could not catchup with what was going on.  She came to Wenatchee, after Israel, as coincidentally did Timothy, and I was still in Colorado dealing with father's financial disaster!

So in steps Timothy, whom now convinces her to divorce her husband, then funds her divorce in May, picks her up at my home in Wenatchee and takes her to Ohio to deliver her to internet love interest.  You might remember my outrage back then!  Then Timothy moves to Indiana and I knew we had a problem - I just did not know how large of one!

So, it seems that Timothy, somehow in his mind. decided he was the perfect one for RB and quietly seems to have orchestrated this entire SOAP OPERA in order to have RB (whom is young enough to be his daughter) for himself!  And in March was given the heave-ho by RB because she figured this all out!  Yeah, no one likes being used.  So, she married internet love interest (probably to permanently keep Timothy away) and now I think is regretting it.  DUH!

Now how to get her to understand that God takes marriage very seriously and she really needs to get her spiritual house in order - while at the same time not alienating her.....?

Timothy's Sin has beget Sin now in RB's life, and I must believe in first husband's life as well.  I greatly fear for Timothy as God takes a mighty dim view of what he has done.  For what I know of Timothy, God will have to plan a smack down in order to get Timothy's attention.  I guess that will be the point at which a teaching moment will occur and I will have to be prepared.

Scripturally, Timothy is toast - guilty not only of his own adultery - but RB's and her ex-husband's!, RB is toast because she knows her Bible and is in adultery, and first husband is now free to marry since his runaway bride has now remarried.  For him I pray the best, he is still a young Christian still attending church and still in a relationship with RB's family.  Probably just glad he found out what his wife was like early in their marriage.....  (Okay, so I can relate with him because I had a runaway bride in my life as well!)

But my goal in all of this is to get that young lady to get her head on straight!  And maybe not like the situation she is in but understand that for better or worse she is going to have to live with less than she had before.

Oh, but dear reader, the saga is far from over as now my church has found itself drawn into this controversy - as I will tell you about next time.....

Old Wounds

Father, for all his being a genius, was just about as dumb as a stump when it came to dealing with people - he had a complete disregard for them.  Mother, for her being near genius in intelligence, never was able to overcome her childhood.  So, it should not be so shocking that these two were destined to end up divorced and a dirty one at that - dragging friends and neighbors into the fray.  That disaster began 40 years ago today,

So, my long lost friend Chuck, whom contacted me out of the blue, was trying to find my mother because his mother wants to get a hold of her.  My mother is a bit tricky to get a hold of.  She will only answer a phone if it suits her at that moment and then if she does you may or may not get a lunatic on the other end of the line.  She also sells at antique shows so is generally not around when someone needs to reach her.  (I am working on her accepting the technology of a cell phone!)

Once I did manage to get her on the phone, I told her about Chuck popping up and Anne wanting to get back in touch - after all of these years.  NUCLEAR BLAST!  all over me.....

So, it seems that Anne had taken father's 'side' in the divorce and in short, mother was never going to see or hear from that woman again!

Whatever!  I am just the unfortunate messenger on that one.  I told Chuck I am not going to get into it and if he is wise, neither will he.....

Families!

Spook's Aftermath

Much of what I now believe about the relation of God to the believer, the world to the believer and Satan's capabilities was molded directly by what happened to Spook.  I personally witnessed God use the strangest of circumstances to bring Spook and me together, provide for witnessing opportunities and the turning of him, his family and local neighbors all to God.  Then I saw the havoc Satan can sow into a new believer's life.  It was not pretty but God's Spirit strengthened those whom would be strengthened.

Spook licked his wounds for a few years, met a very nice retiree, remarried, bought a place on a beautiful bay, retired and now builds handcrafted cedar boxes for blankets his wife makes and sells.  They are I heard from them very happy.

Of Spook's boys, one went to prison, one went to college and one does manual labor to get by.  Very sad and I do hope they can return to where they were in their relationship with God.

Spook's wife, however, I could write a book on.  As, of all of them, she kept in touch the most with me.  You see, drug dealing boyfriend only lasted about a year before he was caught and sent to life in prison.  She got herself off of drugs, got herself back together with God and then the effect of all of those years of cocaine caught up with her and she suffered a grand mal seizure.  Lost from her mind were all of the years from the point she discovered drugs to the day she was released from the sanitarium.  Yeah, no memories at all.  And also no ability to live an unsupported life.  So, her youngest son, the one whom does labor, is caring for her.  And, yes, she is now getting herself back to where she should have been with God.

In all, a tragic tale I could give of what happens to believers in a Godless society.  However, a wonderful tale at how God moved to turn one man to him, then his family and then his village.

Over this past weekend, I heard from Spook's new wife, after 11 years of silence from them.  How strange I thought, here I was writing about them - and then I hear from them!  Now how is that for coincidence?  Yeah, no coincidence there at all.

Thank you God.....

Awkward

So, I am walking from one building to the other at my church when I encounter one of the young women I have gotten to know, due to her situation - a matter of great prayer I have not shared with you due to the gossip potential.

"Hey!  So how are you doing?"

She gives me a big hug, stiffens then exclaims, "Oh my God!  Uhm, suddenly everything is very complicated!"  And runs for the women's toilet.

Huh!  So, I wander in and find a seat, wondering if maybe she got herself a case of el tourista somewhere.  And then I see what she must have seen - her ex-husband and her father walking into the sanctuary.....  Yup, this is going to be one awkward day for that young lady.

A few minutes later, the mother unit comes storming into the sanctuary with a firm grip on her daughter's arm and slams said daughter in the pew next to her ex.  Yeah, I do not think the parents quite agree with the daughter on the subject of her divorce.

Soon, I see her little sister join them, placing herself delicately between older sister and the ex.  This is in turn copied by her little brother.  Ahhhhh, such nice siblings!

Yup, I will bet lunch was a killer this afternoon.....

Remarriage

It has amazed me the sheer numbers of remarried Christian couples I have encountered. It is horrible to realize that statistically over 50% of Christian marriages will end in divorce, it is worse to realize how little concern is expressed when the Christian then remarries. But, this is what I wish to explore this time around.

When your spouse dies, Paul encourages you remarry, particularly if you are young. You don’t have to, but Paul saw no problems with your doing so.

When your spouse has left you – either through abandonment or divorce, Paul tells us to remain single in hopes of reconciling with one another.

However, in Paul’s day, it was not unusual for the husband to abandon his first wife and marry a younger woman. Notice that I did not say divorce! Yeah, if the man were to have divorced his wife, he would have to return the dowry – which he may not have wanted to do or been able to afford to do. So he would just “lose” her and go his merry way finding the next Misses.

What did Paul say to do then? You still needed your divorce paperwork, the return of your dowry and if your spouse had remarried, you were free to remarry since they have broken the covenant.

You are also not to remarry an ex-spouse if they have married someone since leaving you!

But, I look and I see a great many Christians whom are marrying divorced Christians, whose spouses are still single. Heavens, I know of Christian couples whom divorced so they could marry or at least "date" others! So, it is obvious the Church no longer understands the point of marriage is to stay committed to one and only one spouse! The lack of discretion in performing these ceremonies, exhibited by the Church, only strengthens the concept that marriage really is not as important to us as it should be!

Marriage has to be a sacred joining since God uses the image of Christ and the Church as being like a groom and bride. Unless someone wants to argue Christ is not committed to the Church or maybe only until He gets tired of our unfaithfulness! I would be hesitant to argue marriage is subject to the whims of man or culture.

If you have divorced, the only one you should be seeking in marriage is your ex-spouse. And, yes, you may well have to “pay” heavily both emotionally and mentally for what you have done. Grow up, get into prayer, get your life into order, buy some flowers and start begging for forgiveness. That goes both ways here - matter your gender.

If you have remarried un-Biblically, what are you to do? Well, you don’t run out and get a divorce that is for sure! Paul tells us we are to remained married to them, so they maybe blessed by God, through His blessing of you. You probably will get to do a little evangelism in your household. (Good luck! Talk about a hard sell.....)

God tells us He will bless the joining of two people. He will bless your marriage, but you may just not have the fullness of the blessing you might have had otherwise nor as active a witness. You also have the complications of living with the outcome of your previous marriage – children, financial obligations, the ex-spouse’s need for council, your memories, your loss of trust, anger issues, etc. An awful lot can get in the way of your happiness in a remarriage!

Divorce and remarriage is not an easy process and a bit dicey if you want to remain a Biblical Christian. Don’t compromise your testimony. Marry with the greatest of caution. Do not play the world's games - stay out of divorce court - even if you are miserable. Remain faithful to your first spouse until there is no hope of reconciliation due to their remarriage or death. Then the choice is yours – remain faithful to the vow you took or remarry, as it is in the Lord’s will - not yours or anyone else’s!

Divorce In The Church

Right up front I will admit I have a prejudice on this topic, my parents separated on my 17th birthday and then divorced on my 18th birthday (thanks folks for ruining that day!).  Like all of us, most of my friends have experienced one or more divorces in their families through the years.  Divorce is an evil that is eating at the core of the Christian family today – and only YOU can do something about it!

If you stuck with the concept of marriage within your faith, you are on better ground than those whom have not.  Their marriages will probably end in divorce long before you run into struggles, but everyone will eventually run into problems in their marriage.  If you never were able to learn the difference between love and infatuation, you are already on the wrong path for a long term marriage.  When problems arise, they can be devastating when your marriage is based upon the wrong grounds.  It might be year three or year thirty.  Heavens I know one couple whom divorced after 55 years of marriage!  (Never did understand that one!)

In America , you just need to have “differences” in order to file for a divorce.  It used to be you had to at least have an actual CAUSE for a divorce and even then the court had to actually THINK through the process to see if any chance of reconciliation was possible.  Today, “Your breath smells bad in the morning!” is sufficient grounds - and you are out of there (and probably already in the arms of another you picked out long ago)……

We are told God allows for divorce due to the hardness of OUR hearts.  Yeah, not something your spouse did, but the unloving and unforgiving nature of your own heart.  And what was the Biblical basis for divorce?

• Abandonment – usually man leaves, woman may pursue through court action to get her “letter” of divorce – freeing her from this commitment.
• Virginity – woman was not a virgin on the wedding night, nothing to do with her and her husband’s indiscretion prior to the marriage.

Yeah, you will hear different versions of this from your pastor or in 'christian' books, but sorry – those are ALL we have to work with from the early Jewish documents and The Bible.  Everything else is just unsupportable wishful thinking.  So, if you believe adultery or brutality or financial failure or whatever else you can think of is a valid Biblical reason for your divorce, you have been misled by our permissive culture – just like so many others.

So are there any exceptions here?  Yeah, one really big one that is a problem in our culture today – if you have had premarital sex with your spouse – you may NOT under ANY condition divorce them.  You can holler no fair all you want, but that is what the Bible teaches……..

I will completely agree with you that adultery is just about unforgivable, but it was not given in scripture as an example for divorce.  It was an example for stoning though….. (Hmmmm, one could argue from logic here, since adultery no longer carries a death sentence in our culture, that divorce is the reasonable alternative.  But, I would hesitate to outguess God on this one and honestly, given a prosecution free opportunity, I would have taken care of my ex-best friend and my fiancée once and for all…...)

I completely agree with you that God did not create your spouse, nor you, to be the object of physical abuse.  In the Middle East , your family had another way of caring for this, other than divorce, but the quest of this blog is not to advocate forms of violence…..  Protecting yourself and your children must be your primary concern in a situation such as this!

So, you are the victim of a marriage gone awry – what are you to do?

First, I am very impressed with the “Boundary” series of books; there are boundaries published for most relationship situations – marriage, dating, kids, etc.  I don’t agree with everything they will tell you – as they are heavily American Cultural saturated, but they are a place from which to start controlling your relationships with others around you.  Mostly the ideas seem Biblical and/or reasonable (I would wish more on the Biblical end though!).

Second, most churches offer counseling or have older couples whom are willing to lend an ear and some sage advice from their years of marriage.  If nothing else – they offer prayer – and prayer does change things – often your own viewpoint.  

If none of this is available through your church – time to move to a real church!

Third, understand you may need to separate legally, until such time as your spouse can get their act together and prove to you their change of heart and desire to reunite as a couple.  This will offer some protection to you in the event of violence or sexual misconduct.  You may truly need this protection as well.  You may even need to completely change your life-job-town, in order to protect yourself should your spouse go completely psycho (if they cannot find you, you will be safe).  But, resolving your issues is very difficult this way.  This is not an easy area to advise on!

And you need to understand, that in no case has anyone whom has done this for over a year, that I know of, had their marriage survive.  Inevitably, the wrongful spouse decides to go the divorce route and then within 3 years finds out how messed up they really are and wants to come back – to a very cold reception.  It is amazing how consistently these situations work out!

But, the big point here is: if you call yourself a Christian you should not initiate a divorce!  Even if you are abandoned, you can still file for separation and live your life as a single – albeit – married Christian.  Yeah, maybe you can justify to yourself that you deserve love, etc and should remarry.  But, you know, the Bible does not agree with you.  In hunting terms, you get one lifetime tag for a spouse – you blow it – you have used your tag and that is the end of the conversation…..

Makes you want to be a little more careful, eh?

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So in wrap up:

• Divorce is almost unsupportable Biblically
• You both need to understand boundaries within your marriage
• When problems arise, you don’t keep them secret, you seek prayer and counsel
• The point of any difficulty is to resolve your problems
• In the rare case, separation may be required to work though your problems
• The point of separation is to get back together as a couple
• You must be transparent enough to share your testimony with others…..

Conflicted

So much within the Christian realm has been usurped by the world that it becomes hard to respond correctly on day to day issues.  Take marriage as an instance.  If God ordained marriage, where did government gain the belief that they “control” the right to marry?  The starry eyed couple has to purchase a “license” from the government in order to marry.  No license, no marriage.  A minister, licensed by the government, is the only recognized person (outside of a judge) with the right to perform a wedding.

The Christian church abrogated their right to marriage in the Middle Ages in a power swap between the Pope and pagan kings.  So today we live under a system of governmental permissions in order to be married.  Just be glad you do not live under a situation of both church and governmental permissions and ceremonies.  Gees!  No, I am not thinking of marriage but I am attending five weddings this summer.

One of my oldest acquaintances is marrying for a second time and many are not handling this well.  She had a severely abusive husband; her ability to stick it out for 31 years amazing.  Maybe she should not remarry from a strict Biblical view, instead seeking to reconcile.  But, how many times do you need to be hospitalized due to your husband’s brutality before you give up or die?  So, the world allows for her to both leave him and remarry.  I may know what she should do, but by marrying again – God does promise to bless the new couple as one.  Maybe not the best path she could take, maybe God will have problems using them as His witness, but her first husband’s rebellion to God had crippled that path long ago.  Only our liberal laws allow that man to live…

I also have a problem with today’s youth.  Live together for several years and then decide to marry.  Surprise!  Their delight is not exactly shared by the many.  So three of the marriages are of this type.  Christian kids, knowing better, not caring and everyone is expected to share their “joy”.  As an adult recognizing that their marriage has been doomed from the start – at least statistically (God can overcome any situation…).  Rough one to deal with but if you take the stand you ought, you lose the ability to witness to them in the future when the clefts in their marriage appear.  And, the hours you spend with their parents discussing how to handle a situation like this!  I only get to be mediator here because I had to go through this last summer…  (Kelly was my mediator.  Timothy, I am STILL waiting for photos!)

As far as I know, the last couple has gone about the whole dating, wooing, engagement process “correctly”.  But, immature would be a gross understatement for where he is.  Both are “adults” according to the world standard, so what is a person to do?  Especially, when we are talking about the pastor’s son here…  Politics require my attendance but my heart is already weeping for what they still have to learn.

Half People

You know them.  You see them everyday.  Half people, they are all around us!  What am I talking about?  Maybe you.

I was sitting in church last Sunday, last row as usual (have to keep those visitors pushed forward!).  In front of me, every week, sits a young woman already verified as being a half person and why I started thinking about this idea.  I looked up to the choir and picked out another three, also known to be half people.  Then, I looked around our small sanctuary and could easily spot another thirty half people scattered about.

In fact, half people seem to make up half, if not a majority of my church, maybe yours as well.  These are people whom for one reason or another no longer have a spouse.

Through marriage, or even ‘arrangement’, two became one, because this is how God created us.  Single we are incomplete, but when committed to another we become complete.  We become a whole person, each taking up for the failings of the other, each holding the other up in prayer, each supporting their commitment to one another.  It is as it should be, though seems to rarely be.

Yet, due to death, divorce, desertion or just the fickle state of our hearts – we are ripped apart – torn in half to be more precise.  No longer would man know the pleasure of having someone whom completes and supports him; no longer would woman know the security of being loved by one.  And this tearing often is in the form of the other ripping out our heart, biting out chunks, until all that is left is emptiness.  (Ok, ask me how I really feel today!)

For some, I have joy as they have found other spouses, though how they could ever cross that bridge again I have no idea – how do you learn to trust again?  (For some of these I worry about the Biblical basis for their remarriage!  But, God promises to make them one….).  And for others I understand all too well why they remain a half person by choice!  So it is with the young woman whom sits in front of me – wounded beyond consolation.

Several of my best friends have never married and in the 35 years of knowing one man, he has maybe only twice even met a female he liked enough to ask out.  Yes, all brain and no romance.  I often marvel at him and his choice to live alone.  And yes, God does use him in a very big way!

Paul, the apostle, encouraged half people to marry, if they needed to – in order to avoid sin (he uses lust and a tendency to gossip as examples).  As for my friend, he has no apparent need to marry and so never has.

Separated, even divorced, couples are to reconcile with one another.  That is priority one, or at least supposed to be.  When reconciliation is not even a possibility – well, half people are created…..

All the more reason for the young around us to guard their hearts and understand the Biblical qualifications for marriage and holding prospects to those standards!  There are already too many half people walking around – you do not need to be one…..

Dehumanizing

Since I have several friends currently going through separations and/or divorces, I have had a lot of drama to watch around me!  And somehow I get dumped on, since people want my opinion – yah like I am some sort of human relations expert.  Sigh…..

One aspect I have always wondered about is how each has the ability to utterly the kill the other in their mind.   I realize this is not a Christian virtue, in fact it is quite the opposite.  Divorce is so alien to the Christian concept and yet I see so much of it amongst the Christians I know.  And where prayer and compassion should be our reaction, anger – hatred – murder fill their minds.  Eventually the other is dehumanized to the point they no long exist, and should their paths cross, it is but a ghost they might remember if they thought real hard about it.

Originally I have theorized that the concept of Christian marriage is the problem – it is not being communicated to our hormonal youth and foolish young people.  And yet, as I read my Bible, even if you did marry someone not of your faith – God still promises to bless your marriage, maybe it will just be a little harder on you.  So, that must not be it.

I have thought on this whole hormonal issue.  Could it be that this culture of dating and freedom of choice is really to blame?  It is certainly a major factor in the divorce statistics and yet, I now do not think this is the answer either.

As I have had some thinking time lately, I realize now the real problem: a lack of character, a lack of conscience, a lack of courage – all compounded by an abundance of cultural ego.  Our culture has stripped us of our will to over ride our basic instincts!  I just realized this today…..

If character is defined as who I am when no one is watching, and I am selfish enough to only care about myself – not my family, not my friends, not my integrity, not my witness; then it becomes so clear how divorce becomes almost a requirement in today’s marriage.  We are in life for ourselves and not to sacrifice for each other.

Our conscience is seared by the sex saturated culture which surrounds us.  “Everybody” does it.  “Everybody” must be seeking the next best sexual experience, it is our nature!  Or so, culture would tell us.  And with our hyper developed egos running full throttle, do not I deserve the best pleasures out there – for ME?  This is the message being given to our children 24x7, heavens even in my own teenage years!  In my high school years I can remember the constant hammering of how everyone in the school was “doing it”.  But, I wondered whom “everyone” was.  I knew I was not.  I knew my two best friends were not.  I knew at least a half dozen girls, other than my girl friend, whom were not.  So, whom were these people?  Of course, it was a lie.

This problem of conscience extends to lack of honor, lying, honesty, friendship, etc.  All aspects of life are compromised by this egocentric focus of getting “ours” at everyone else’s expense.  Want to meet women whom have had 3 or more divorces?  Check out any high school - you will meet the emotional equivalents there.

Courage – I think this must be a nasty word today, it seems to be completely lacking in our culture.  I am not talking about the manly-man, whom exists to protect the weak female (oooh!) or the knight in shining armor headed out to fight the dragon.  I am talking about your conviction to say and do what is right, to face issues straight on. 

I see so much wavering by Christian leaders.  Heavens!  If they themselves are not being caught up in sexual scandal and being exposed internationally, then they are making excuses for those whom are!  We need to be able to call sin – SIN.  We need to be able to communicate to the next generation why sin is sin.  And, not offer excuses for the fact that sin exists!

I know as a father the temptation is to say, “It’s ok, you are not the first one to xyz, and you will not be the last.  But, you just need to keep going and put it behind you….. blah blah blah blah!”  In reality though, it is harder to say something like, “This is SIN, this is why God sees this as SIN, now how are we going to deal with this nature in your life?”

As I said, this has been a long thinking process and I only started coming to conclusions.  Perhaps tomorrow or next week I will have a more finite perspective, but for now this is where my thinking is on this issue….

Paths Not Walked

When I lost my job as a youth pastor, I also lost my fiancée.  My future father-in-law, siding with the church, had my marriage nullified (civil annulment of the license).  So, I managed to lose my job and my wife at the same time!  I was really angered with him; I was really at a loss with her as to why she put up with this!  But, I was in Mexico at the time and completely powerless to stop anything until long after it was a fact.

I should probably share that the reason I lost my job was because the elders of the church found out that I believed in the power and ministry of the Holy Spirit.  I am about the least charismatic person you will ever meet – however, I am the strongest believer in the power of God you will ever meet.

So when on Monday my best friend called to say he had stumbled into my ex-father in-law – I was really surprised.  I was more than surprised to hear that he had a message to give me from him.

I guess he is now 80 and been thinking about his life.  He came to the conclusion he had really shafted me and his oldest daughter (still unmarried and living at home).  He wanted to say he felt bad about what happened.  My friend shared other parts of the discussion to let me know what was going on and how to pray for him.

I was a little taken back.  How can you respond to an apology through a third person?  I realize the entire affair had been an odd arrangement; from almost being counter cultural by wanting a religious wedding to his pulling of favors with friends in the canton to quietly kill the license while I was away.  Nothing was normal about any aspect of it.

I mentioned last time we had all failed.  I became angry with God, I was down and felt I had then been kicked by God.  Udie turned out to be less than faithful as it was.  My then best friend betrayed everyone.  My in-laws could have gone to jail for what they had done – but if my “wife” was willing to go along with this, I was a loser already.  Especially in light of her activities with ex-best friend. 

What a mess.  But, I do wonder sometimes, when I become morose and introspective, how might life have been different?  What path would I have then walked had my Eldership been Godly, had my wife been Godly, had my in-laws been Godly, had my best friend at the time been Godly? 

Yeah, yeah, perfect world, I know…..