Post Play Warm Up

 It was in the 20's outside and a few hours of playing in the wonderful powder which fell throughout the day left everyone chilled to the bone.

Since it was also the Aussie father's birthday, we went out to a place guaranteed to embarrass you on your birthday.  Unfortunately, our waiter failed in his ability to embarrass.  Yes, Kris is a bad tipper at such times!

Now, I never have given much thought to the idea that Aussie Father and me have similar appearances.  Certainly, we share the same sick sense of humor - well he did get it from me after all!  But quite a few commented that we are very similar in appearance.  I just do not see it I guess......

Yeah, I don't always wear my glasses.  So, I was probably unaware a photo was even being taken!

Can you pick the 16 year old out of this picture?  Hint: Youngest Daughter is sitting next to her......

Of course, in the bottom photo you can find the lone Aussie whom mostly refused to associate with anyone or anything.  So different from the last time I had seen them.  Five years ago, she was apple of my eye and visa-versa.  I wonder what happened.....  I always mourn for the teenager that somehow has gone sideways.  I tried numerous times to draw her out but she was having none of that!

I know she had a few mighty vocal moments; the overt Christianity practiced in my home was a bit much for her - all that prayer is just so "uncool".  But, then her sister was  interested.

Seed planting ..... maybe to be watered back home?

And thinking of seeds, Aussie Father has been doing some thinking and had quite a few questions.  He is not persuaded but he is thinking.

Lots of prayer opportunities here, that is sure, for sure!

Playing In The Snow

Of course, the snow came with the nieces.  So, for the second time in their lives - they got to play in the snow.  Of course, they were to learn that a good ice storm really will shut down an area so tight that sitting around the house was about it for their visit!

But, they had fun for the first day anyway!

The Nieces

Well, if I am involved, then there will be NO normalcy in the vicinity!

Take for instance my nieces' recent visit.  Now a visit to a normal home might involve old people drinking tea and arguing the Middle East Solution and slowly decaying.  But, no! not if I am around!

The girls had not been in America very much and each time was sort of a disaster.  So, I went to the store and stocked up on junk food.  Yes, their visit was to be based a food dare - what would they try to eat vs what would they totally avoid?

First up was Twinkies.  They had never heard of them and it was with the greatest of trepidation that the youngest took one bite and almost hurled it!  The oldest would not even try a bite without reading the ingredients first.  Yeah, no fun in that one!  Having satisfied herself that there was NOTHING which occurs in nature, in Twinkies, she rather rudely ended the game.

Hah!  But, I got her a little later sneaking a Ding Dong.  Like something in nature can be found in one of those?????  (Closet hypocrite!) 

Well, I had fun, youngest niece had fun and as for the oldest, well, she will probably remember an entirely different set of stories in the years ahead - where she ate the Twinkie.....  LOL!

So, we had fun together, in the absence of my children having ANY interaction with them.  Don't ask me, I just live here.

For this picture, our sugar charged Aussies decided to pose for a photo.  Of course, I was caught off guard and might like to have put a better shirt on.  But, it is one of the few photos I got of the girls - where the oldest was smiling!  Hmmm, high sugar levels = smiles?  Or is it just the whole chocolate issue with females?  LOL

Can you spot the 16 year old in this photo?????

Housecleaning

We had quite a time getting the house clean!  Were it not for Oldest Daughter and New Daughter, this is one task which would not have been accomplished!  Of course, blowing out my back really did nothing to contribute to the work effort!  At least anything between 36" and 72" was mine but if it had to bend over for, oh well.

Livingroom, TV room, kitchen, pantry!  All of this fall's canning supplies had to go to the basement - aka - Ratland (as we found a dead rat down there after we moved in!)  Ah, but was it a native rat or an immigrant?  We may never know but his resting place is the same, all the same.

No the rats will not eat you.....

Ahhhhhhh

Silly mommy!

Rats?  Hahahahahah!

Math Miracle!

I entered the hallowed halls of my college, the figure of doom floating over me.  If I failed the upcoming exam, I would be out of the program, if I was out of the program, I would be right back to where I was all through the fall - bored out of my mind and not investing in Kris.

The teacher was 15 minutes late and I as able to catch him in the hallway and explain the problem - Kris is a math idiot and I have no idea how to even use the computer programs necessary to enter answers.  No, it is not user friendly, logical nor have a math or English based help option.  Kris is so dead.

The teacher motioned me into an adjoining room where a room full of kids were doing book work.  "Come in tomorrow and transfer into this class."  He hands me a stack of paper to turn in next week and tells me there is an exam next weekend.

Kris is saved!  Math, not for boneheads, but for morons!

HURRAY!!!!!

Stupid Is ...

Many decades ago, I wrote a booklet covering the subject of - Knowing God's Will, And Doing It!  Like many of my works back then, it was for the Mennonite/Hutterite Communities I owed so much to.  How I wish I had a copy of it right now!

So much has been going wrong in my life and I just could not understand it.  I am not doing ANYTHING wrong, and yet it seems all I do, I fail at - if not get major leagued injured from.  It has been to the point this week that in my spirit - I have flat given up.  How much more smacking can a guy take and still retain sanity and/or bodily functions!?!!?!?  Woe is me, where are the ashes?

So, as I sat at the airport, as the Aussie's were seeing their relatives off, I had lots of time for prayer and meditation.  And God called back to mind that little booklet.....

Well, heck I knew what I was told to do!  Heavens I have been beating myself up over and around that one for months.  No, the problem was somewhere else.  I drummed my fingers in the increasing cold of the car for what seemed hours.  And a vague thought came to me - from the end of the book, doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.  The right thing, the wrong reasons.  It stuck with me.....that vague thought.

Had my intentions been wrong?  Was I being obedient but somehow gotten misdirected by myself?

And the answer came swiftly enough -yes.  I had never questioned when I had taken responsibility for my four orphans, or for any of "my" kids for that matter.  And yet, here I had stumbled.  She was not a child, she is very much a woman and I honestly fear her.

So, I have been hesitant.
I have tried to be careful and cautious.
I have done everything except be the father I was told to be.
Oh, yeah, I got a few things right but over all Kris was not worth writing home about.

And if fear is in control of my heart, then I am not walking in LOVE or in faith, I am not doing as directed.  I failed yet again.

Well, easy enough to settle that score with God, now that I realize this.  Easy enough to apologize to my daughter - only she has not been in communication with me for basically three days now.....  Well, she does have a life, I don't seem to however.

So, I wait.  To apologize.  To walk this time blindly in faith and obedience.

With the next two days completely free, I hope I will have plenty of time and opportunities to start afresh.

On The Nature of Family

The Aussie Father currently visiting, actually predates my knowing his father, My Old Mining Partner.  He was one of "my" kids.  Someone whom stood out and I reached out to.  As was his young sister and brother.  His bringing his daughters were supposed to be a bit of a reunion.  But, brother and sister had a fight, so brother refused to come up from Oregon.

My knowing Gaelic Girl predates all of them.  We all were family, looking to each other for what there was to meet our needs.  Failures a plenty, youth raising youth.

And what is the nature of family?

People brought together by birth.  People brought together by need.  People brought together by circumstance.

None necessarily perfect.  None necessarily doomed.

All are based on people - and people have faults and warts and baggage to deal with.  And sometime stress overcomes and explosions occur.

Such was last night.  Adults, no children reliving the horror of a shared past.  Adults, no better equipped to overcome their past than when they were children living it.  How grateful I was someone was not here, how I wished she could have been to observe, to better understand what I have seen and know.  Too many last nights have been lived, too much pain experienced, too many tears shed, too many injuries inflicted.

Adults, still the children reliving where they were 35 years ago.  No positional changes, no increased emotional strength.  Children still dealing with a childhood they never could get past.

My heart broken for them.  Gathered trying to support one another through past traumas.

And what is family?  I thought.  Indeed.

A house of adoptees, established roles and responsibilities.

Still functional after all of these years..... 

Happy Birthday, To Me!

Yes, into each life birthdays must fall.  And it seems that this day it befalls on me, my mother and second daughter's mother-in-law!  How often do you know anyone, much less two others, all with the same birth date?

I will be busy today, not blowing out birthday candles, unfortunately, but attending my first math class all afternoon long.  Sigh.

When I get home, maybe I can get a slice of this Strawberries Romanov.

I Take No Joy

Even before I was a Christian, I was a pretty straight forward guy.  You could trust me.  And up until mid-way through my 18th year, I never betrayed anyone.  Then my life made a hiccup and I did betray someone's trust.  It was not totally my fault, but I was guilty as charged.  That was not a good weekend.

Years later, one of most moving devotionals I ever gave concerned that incident and the recent death of that man.  Oh yeah, he was my enemy - make no mistake.  And he had been someone I had looked up to and respected.  Yeah, teenage stupidity.  But in that devotional, I told of how now that he was dead, I still was not free, nor did I relish my enemy's death.  Instead, I now understood what is meant about the importance of praying for our enemies.

One of my earliest posts concerned my Oldest Daughter's boyfriend being in an almost fatal accident with Virtual Fifth Daughter, complete with photos.  And, let us not forget the soap opera which unfolded after that!  Because I "discerned" a problem with the character of this young man - I went to his father, a pastor and told him what was up with his son.  I suppose I was naive but I expected a pastor to understand that God only gives knowledge when action is to taken.  I was labeled a liar - and in a small community my reputation was badly damaged.  Even if I was completely right.

No matter, I knew, the God I know, would one day  bring that young man to either spiritual or social justice......

Last year, I learned that said father was to find out that may be he had been a little harsh with me - what I had shared with him, had come to pass.  But, he could not admit he was wrong.  I knew it was far from over - God had His hand on that young man as he sat in the twisted wreckage of his car on the night of his accident.  I knew far worse was ye to come, he would be held accountable by God.

So, I now hear that accountability has finally come.  That young man, whom I had naively tried to help through his father - is now in jail.  He has come finally to accountability for his life and actions.  I will not go into the details, you can probably find the story in the news later if it is a slow day.  But, his now ex-girlfriend is hospitalized with severe damage and he is facing numerous years in prison for putting her in the hospital..

But, I take no joy that this young man is finally getting what is coming to him.  No, in my mind I am remembering the look in my own eyes, in the mirror, when my son had reached the same point of no return last summer.  The utter hopelessness despair brings when your loved one - is being held accountable.

Please pray for that young woman in the hospital, she faces months, if not years, of reconstructive surgery.
Pray for that father, whose faith in his only son has not only been shattered but now has been humiliated.
And pray for that young man.  Yeah, it is now a good time for him to consider salvation that is based on faith and not head knowledge.....  I am sure he will have many years of opportunity to think on this ahead of him.
Then add to your prayer list any sons you might have.  Our culture is bent on destroying - God wants them saved.....

Inconvenient

For those whom know or "know" me, they  understand that my back is my Achilles Heel.  I used to have a great back but in 1996 my little Toyota was crushed between a truck and bus loading passengers.  And, that was the end of that one!

So, I travel a fairly safe path.  Able to negotiate my way through crowds such that no one can even touch my back, for that brings forth the most horrid of pain.  Of course, one can always forget and drop their guard.

So yesterday, New Daughter and I were gather stuff up to take to the local thrift store - I bent over to pickup some DVD's I knocked over - and that was it.

So, I am standing there, bent over at the waist, with no ability to get upright!  ND is wondering what to do - and were she not so uncomfortable at this time, I could have used her help.  But, no sense making her more uncomfortable!  Hence, it took about 20 minutes for me retain upright and get my brace found and on.  Such misery!

Today, I am wondering how what needs to be done will be.  It is so unfair to have to rely on ND, but like a new babe - there is almost nothing I can do for myself today!  Sigh.....

So for those of you whom may have ever broken your pelvis or your spine, you know of what I am going through.  For those of you whom have not - just imagine that even the simplest act of breathing in - ignites all of the nerves in your lower body to scream in pain simultaneously!

Prayer gladly accepted.

Musical Saturday Morning

First, a bit of explanation.  I was badly injured this week and since Tuesday have been mostly bedridden, except for a few hours of being able to be upright.  Yes, the King of Klutz did it again and he is back in a back brace - probably for another week at least.

So, it has not been a very good week physically, however my heart and mind are filled with joy at how well New Daughter is progressing.  I wish it were possible for you to see the change that has taken place in this young woman's heart over the past six weeks.  Whom ever would have thought that some old fart taking an interest in the well being of a young woman, could have such an impact on her.  Just simple stuff like taking her shopping and picking up a pair of jeans for her, or some wool socks to keep her toes warm - or even makeup remover.  Things no father had ever done for her.

Amazing, but of course God knew.

And so for this month's musical selection I am breaking the mold and rolling the music clock back to about 1971-ish and a song that expresses my heart at this moment.

So for your Saturday morning entertainment I give you The Fifth Dimension and the wonderful voice of Marilyn McCoo:

Apostacy

So far, we have seen that God does condemn Divorce and Remarriage in many, if not most modern instances.  Yet this does happen and worse yet, it happens amongst our eldership and leaders.  If our eldership is blinded by their own sin, how can we expect any form of God-ly leadership from those tasked with shepherding us?

It would be easy to do exactly what the church has done - ignore the entire situation or blame it on the culture and continue business as usual.  Of course, this leaves us with a church with no call to righteousness, no discernment, actually no fruits or gifts of the Holy Spirit - because you are not going to find God blessing in this situation.

On the other hand, you can start to weed out those unfit for leadership, which needs to be done but there will be a cost!  Forget attendance numbers, money, etc.  Expect the world to label you as narrow minded, judgmental, exclusive, cultic, haters, etc.

What are Godly men and women to do when the very foundation of the culture, family and church are under such direct attack?  Indeed, what are Godly men and women to do?

What will happen if we do nothing?  Well, that one is actually easy!

Expect denominations to sell out Biblical standard for cultural standards.  Expect churches to become more 'liberal' in their understandings of Scripture.  Expect the least qualified of men and women to become leaders over the body.  Expect to see the church grow by leaps and bounds as the body less and less represents the one true God.  It is called apostasy - it is directly where we are headed in the modern church of today.

And when the church succeeds through apostasy, what are you to do?  Absolutely nothing, if you have not prepared for the day (or is it night?)  to come!

1.  If you have fallen as we have discussed across the last many posts, get your life right with God and fix your problems before God!
2.  Start to learn your Bible!  Do not read books about the Bible, read your Bible!  If you need ideas on where to start: Luke, John, Acts, Romans, Revelations is a great sequence.
3.  Begin to identify whom the 'real' believers' are in your fellowship.  You will need them for the next assignment.
4.  Become a prayer warrior for your church, fellowship, Bible study - what it is you have.  Remember in particular your leadership for all of these.  And, of course, the needs of your body you worship with/in.
5.  I am a solid believer that we need as many in the church as possible with Knowledge, Wisdom and Discernment as spiritual gifts.  Of course, the Holy Spirit has the right to dish these out as it sees fit and without any input from us - but it never hurts to all least ask!
6.  You are going to need faith, to give you courage and the backbone for handling the tasks God will set before you.  God will provide lots of opportunities to build your faith, if you follow and do not lead through life.
7.  You must become the least of anyone, a threat to no one, an example to all.  You must be blameless before the courts, police and your fellow man.  You have to live your faith!
8.  Support God's work.  If you can not in good conscience support your church financially, then move to another church!  There are many wonderful Christian and humanitarian missions around the world, all terribly under funded.  Need ideas, ask and I can tell you of ones I believe do a great job of financial stewardship and witnessing.
9.  As you grow in maturity, you need to become involved in service within the body.  Sunday School, youth groups, elderships, deacons, whatever your area's opportunities are to service God and not yourself.

You can have an impact for God in your family, your community, in your church, in the lives of others - but you have to be willing to put away the remote control and dedicate 'free' hours to the reality of God - to whom you are supposed to be a willing slave.....

To quote an old song, ".....it only takes a spark to get a fire going....."  You can be that spark that will awaken the current generation to the appalling conditions within the modern church.  Just do not assume that the Holy Spirit is going to raise up someone else - you might be your environment's best last chance of turning things around.

What To Do In This Culture?

So the problem has been stated across the last several posts.  The Bible, our churches and our faith, should have a very black and white view on this entire Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage question.  But, something is missing: Justice.

Under the culture our Bible was written in - sexual sin was met by instant death.  It was ordered and expected to be carried out instantly by the local population!  The fact that Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery did not mean adultery was okay or forgivable as far as anyone was concerned - the Pharisees He faced had not brought the man.  The Law required both be brought for justice.  The woman to explain if she had cried out for help and if not - both were to die; if she had cried out then just he was to die; assuming she did not want to marry him on the spot - with no hope for a divorce by him ever.  (And people say God does not have a sense of humor....)

Jesus could easily have forgiven both, but that was not the opportunity presented by the faithless Jews that day.

Yeah, a great many people are alive today, remarry and create even bigger messes, whom should have been killed in a just society.  Just in the area of sexual sin alone, which is not even taken seriously any longer, our population would be disseminated.

So, you have a faithless spouse?  They would be dead and you are free to remarry.
You have been abandoned?  You are still free to remarry, once granted a divorce.
Your wife was not a virgin?  Bible says you can divorce - but then take a long hard look at your own heart and your sins first.....
You are playing house before the marriage?  You must marry and may never leave or divorce.

But there were other death sentences which come to mind:

• Insurrectionists
• Blasphemers
• Witches/Magicians/Pharmacologists
• Murderers
• Those Responsible for Accidental Deaths
• Rapists

Yeah, a whole lot of people are marrying and remarrying whom would not even have been alive!  Which of course compounds the problems for everyone in those families and the broken families.

Which is why, we have such a huge need for this culture to turn its men back to God, back to justice and back to the family.  If the Church can not impact the man and turn his heart, then the family will be lost and with it what is left of God's Blessings.

Are you a Christian male, mature in his faith?  Please reach out to other men and begin an accountability group - especially in the area of sexual purity.  We are weak and the lure of the a world of conscience hardened woman is out there wanting to destroy us and our witness.  We have got to not only stand our ground when it comes to sexual purity, we have to take back ground lost within the Church through the sin and pride of others.  That will not be popular nor easy. 

Are you a female?  If you are married may I suggest you sincerely pray for God's protection of your man and your marriage?  If you have not married, may I suggest you aggressively pray for the sexual purity of your future spouse!  And that includes the freely available internet porn which is destroying young men even as you read this.....

Yes, it may well be that the inverse of these are both true, but I will not pretend to be so positive - you may well be however.....  So do it!

(Didn't go where you thought I would did I?)

Adultery

Adultery is so common today it is not even blinked at in my current church!  I have mentioned the barracuda which circles the guys of the church and ever so often manages to snag one, chew him up and then spit him back out.  Cowboy was the latest victim, he now appears to have permanently exited the church.  Embarrassment?  Guilt?  Whatever.  She is back to circling and no one has heard from or seen him.

And in my old church, let us not forget the faithless bride of 2010, her online lover, abandonment of her husband and then remarriage to a guy whom is a picture postcard of what she had just left.....

Of course, in our discussion of Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage - our Bible tells us that adultery plays quite a large part.

Sex before marriage - adultery.
Sex not with your spouse during marriage - adultery.
Divorced and have a fling - adultery.
You divorced or abandoned your spouse and they had a fling - you are guilty of their adultery.
You divorced or abandoned your spouse and they remarry - you are again guilty of their adultery.
You get remarried - you are committing adultery.
Hey guys - porno problem?  That is adultery as well!  Be honest now.

So, we have a superb passage in Malachi 2:10-17, and according to our New Testament, there is a whole lot of adultery going on out there in our 'modern' churches.  Adultery, no matter how you try to justify it, is sin.  But, it is a special sin (I Corinthians 6:15-18).  And, sorry but God will not bless you or His Church if you are in sin.  Period.

Oh, and lest we forget - adulterers (those whom live in and for adultery) will not be found in Heaven.

We are told to exclude those in sin from our congregations but not from our lives - so that they may be brought back into fellowship.

And here is the problem we create for ourselves - we say:

• Well they were not a Christian when the divorce occurred.
• They came to Christ after marriage and so divorce was unavoidable.
• Their spouse left them and lives somewhere else (abandonment).
• They have been married for X number of years and have been faithful.
• They have a family with the new spouse.
• "God" is blessing them.

Each of these statements I have heard numerous times, from pastors in justifying candidates for eldership, even pastoral, in churches I have attended.  Lets see, it is is not really adultery if any of the about 6 items is true?  Adultery, one of God's big hitters and the destruction of marriage - something else He is passionate about - are on a sliding scale of sin values?

If you are truthful with yourself - you have just discovered the real reason Christian families are failing worldwide, why the church has little witness any longer to a world awash in sin, and why there are a whole lot fewer faithful than you might like to believe in your fellowship.

But, there is a problem here that we do need to discuss next time in this line of thought.

Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage

One of the most annoying features I have found at my current church is they have never met a marriage they have not wanted to perform.  I have to wonder why and so have been thinking on marriage, divorce, remarriage, etc.

In the world I grew up in, life was so simple on such matters.  Engagement was taken very seriously.  No one would have even dreamt of asking someone to marry them unless they had the father/uncle/brother/whomever was still alive's permission, a real career, some money stashed away and a pretty strong relationship - that would be 3 to 5 years history already!  For all intents and purposes you were married at that point.  And God help you if you decided to "play" house a little early!  So much for the old myth of the 'loose' European.

Once you were married, that was it.   

Divorce was something those disgusting Americans did on their bases and in the big cities.  You wanted a local divorce, you had better have some hard and fast evidence as to why - and oh by the way, there were almost no conditions they were available under.  Cheating spouse?  Husband will probably kill the wife's lover.  Husband is cheating?  Expect the wife's male relatives to visit the bog one night with him.  Widows are allowed to remarry after all.  There was little sympathy for adulterers.....

Outside of the possible bloodbath that my medieval village lived with, in so far as marriage was concerned, it was pretty close to Biblical.  And quite a few Americans tried to get married in our little church - it was very charming but remarriage was never an option, which is what most were to have been.

Yes, once divorced you had one alternative as far as marriage was concerned - settle your difference and remarry your wife!  How the locals would howl at the reaction of the Americans when they heard that one!  Many a pint was hoisted over tales from the recorder's office......

To stick with a strictly Biblical view of this subject - one is left with a very unpopular belief set when compared with that of the world's view today on marriage, divorce and remarriage.

Marriage was strictly controlled.  You married within your faith, to an approved of spouse, and it was forever.  Bad parental choices and you could suffer that one forever.....  You chose to break tradition and do your own thing?  Well, you were excluded from the family, your friends and your religion.  A funeral would be held for you.  Yeah, God is pretty narrow minded on the subject of marriage - something this generation has forgotten.

Divorce is still a poorly understood one, however the Bible is quite clear on the subject:

• The female was not a virgin on the wedding night.  That is all there ever was.
• We are told that God allowed further divorce due to the hardness of man's heart - and I expect that to be included in the only allowable situation above as well.....  Are you listening guys?

Remarriage was possible under a few conditions:

• A spouse dies. 
• The other spouse's abandonment was the cause of divorce; the other spouse then either remarries or states in writing there is not a rats chance of you ever reconciling with them.
• Your original spouse decides to take you back and has not remarried or shacked up since.

Yet in our generation marriage means very little, no different than just shacking up except you get to have children given the father's name without a whole pile of paperwork.  What a maddening culture our prior generations and Hollywood have left us with!

Just as marriage is openly mocked by most today, so is divorce and remarriage.  You can get a divorce because "they have morning breath".  And you are free to roam off and marry someone far more enticing.....

I should mention that my father married eight times, my American grandmother 5 times.  I am intimately associated with divorce and remarriage and the cost borne by the following generations.

So you are not going to like where this is going.

Zero People or The Nature of Conversion

When I was just starting eleventh grade, I was brought in, along with all of the males in my high school - to take a barrage of psychological profiling exams. None of us knew why. A week later I was asked to join a 'special' shooting team being put together at the local Army base. Sounded fun and when I got there I found about 20 others from my school. We had a great time blowing up targets weekly for the next two years. And every month, we had to go and talk with a 'counselor'. Whatever, if it meant we got to shoot for free, then cool!

Towards the middle of my twelfth grade year, I was in the 'counselor' office when all tarnation broke out in the waiting room. Another Vietnam vet, unable to handle civilian life - as we were to grow accustom to encountering, had gone berserk. The 'counselor' quickly took off due to the amount of screams. Now, I sat there eying my folder and wondering about it. I quickly spun it around and flipped it open.

Inside left was my psychological evaluation. I was classified as having no empathy towards people, no feelings, would do as instructed, I was the perfect 'sociopath' - a word I had to write down to look up later. The following pages were all supporting evidences of the first page of test scores. The opposite right all contained situations which would trigger me to kill. The final page had a suggested assignment for the completion of my training.

The stinking military swine had been training us as snipers! I was completely dumbfounded at how blind I had been. And I was DEEPLY hurt to be be categorized a sociopath - once I found out what that was! I considered myself a very caring and lovable person. I even had a girl friend, okay, the only girl at the school whom would talk with a nerd - but she was a girl! Those liars.

But God intervened and I never had to kill anyone, those responsible for the early training program all got black eyes in Federal Court and all of my records were conveniently destroyed in a fire in 1975. I lost track of the other original three still in the program and I had the satisfaction of knowing I had passed all of my qualifying shots with my M-21.

I continued to live my life as a Hutterite and a Christian,a youth pastor, often a youth leader and a counselor of high school youth in my free time ever since. I figured my experience at being the ultimate screw up sort of gave me a good start.....

And the past was just that..... Until I applied for a Government grant a few weeks ago and had to take a personality test.....

The faculty counselor called me into his office for a chat just before Christmas. I was curious and asked what was up. He led off with, "Looking over your test results, I have to ask - what have you been doing for the past 40 years of your life?"

I looked blankly at him and then slowly told him of my work in computer operating systems and evolving across time into a project manager. "But, how did you manage to be a project manager?" His posture was upright, leaning slightly forward - staring straight at me. Very un-Seattle like.....

This guy was really making me think what on earth this was about. Obviously, this was either professional interest and I had screwed something up on the test, or ..... but that was not possible, my records do not exist - father was dead, I had purposefully avoided everything he had ever worked on or with. My deodorant died..... I would have to be very, very, very, careful.

I commented at how there are actually two of me. One, no one is allowed to see (save for now five anyway) and the other is totally a fake me - complete with a very gregarious nature. That guy is the project manager, the sunday school teacher, the counselor. The inner me is still the guy whom lives in the cave, because he does best in a cave and then you throw him a chunk of meat and tell him to write a new operating system. He is very good at grunting and writing things he would never say....

The professor was really quiet, his feet rotated to the balls of his feet and his eyes shifted left and then right. "Do you realize that your personality profile fits less than .0025% of the human population? You are what we call Zero People - you do not even have the ability to score on the people portion of the evaluation you took. I have read about people like you and never thought I would ever meet one......" Afraid, very very afraid. He was lightly licking his lips. He was unsure as to whether or not I was a threat. I felt sorry for him, I think of me in terms of teddy bear (with hidden teeth).

And, so continued the conversation - after he had to retell me I scored a perfect ZERO on the people portion of the test. That is zero out of a possible high of 235. (And so there are roughly 175,000 other people in this world just like me on the inside????? Lord help mankind!)

ZERO PEOPLE!!!!!? My God! Why, I am a very caring, very loving, ..... Wait a minute!, I have been here before.....

What is the nature of our conversion when we become a Christian?

.....All things become new.....

I thought the damaged me had been reborn.

I thought I was as near to normal as I would ever become.

I thought.....

And then I realized that I am still that same rage filled youth, with an incredible natural instinct for destruction.

God did not kill that young man in 1973, He tamed that young man.

My innards are all the same but He chose another path for me to walk and gave me a veneer to isolate that damaged man from the world.

And so I now understand the nature of my conversion by Jesus. He did not pull out the carnal light bulb and put in the new God centered light bulb - He put a brighter bulb next to the old one. They both burn at the same time - the man and the new creation. But, it is the new creation people see in me because the old has grown even dimmer with time. It explains why I fail and why I sometimes do not see with the best light available.

But, that does not mean that the forgotten inner man has gone unchanged. He has learned the secret to the most mystifying of all emotions - God given love (agape). I constantly plumb the depths of the reality of this. You have no idea how many years it took me to just grasp much less understand the very concept of a perfect love - and then to try and understand the less than perfect 'love'.

As you have read this (and if you have been following along through the past month), I hope you have leapt forward to the thought of: how is it that this sociopath, by nature, is concerned enough about a grieving young woman's heart to want to model that new creation for her.....? This should not even be possible.

And the answer has nothing to do with a brighter light bulb being installed, can you find the answer in this post? If you are a Christian, I dare say, the very same thing happened to you.

Freaking, Holding Firm, Backing Up

Poor New Daughter, how my heart hurts for her.  She is going through the emotional gamut.  Reliving the failures of her birth father and the relationship so longed for but never achieved.  Discovering that deep within her she finds even the term 'father' to bring forth the vilest of reactions.  And the concept of love is terrifying.

But it gets harder for her.  The first sprigs of love are blooming within her heart, for this really strange dude that is pursuing a relationship with her, neither of which have ever happened before.  She has been that controlling of herself.....

Now she is choosing to lower her guard and trust me, to reveal for the first time ever - not only the woman within but the daughter as well.   We have promised complete transparency with one another (unbelievably hard when you are not used to speaking the raw unvarnished truth).  I have tremendous respect and admiration not only for how far she has come in just one month - when I expected years, but also I am awed by a God whom knew her timing and her needs, then selected the least capable of His followers to participate in this life changing event.

Yeah, she gave me about 100 more things to 'discuss' with her when next we can spend time together.  But, I am just hanging loose, sending her an IM a few times a day or a text message if I really expect a reply.  And of course a nightly, "I love you".....

We will see how next week works out.  Quite suddenly people whom have not been in my life in years are all "swinging" by - makes me interested in seeing how ND is going to handle all of the history she is about to be exposed to.....  Not a one of them is what I know was Christian, so I expect this to be opportunities for ND to cut and run, or to be attacked and put down.  Innocent as a dove, sly as a fox.

Due to this unscheduled week ahead of me, I have posted ahead a series on something all of us as Christians really need to think about and I have been trying to address in my church.  The Problem is very real, the Solution so socially painful that I can not believe any change will be attempted and yet Action is something we must prepare for.  I guarantee you will not see the conclusion coming - before it posts - because you will all be angry at me and probably deleting your bookmarks - but wait until the last of the series before you do.  I think you will be rather surprised by next Friday's conclusion - no matter where you stand on the issue.....