Object of Derision

I have a strong interest in understanding what went wrong in my life between 2008 and 2012 inclusively, so I have someone whom excels in human communications I retain as a consultant.  We have discussed life, the universe and everything else; so today we discussed my DNA problem.

Oh he was good, very, very good.  But only to prove to himself that I really am as described.  Once he was satisfied that I was not an illusion or demented, we continued our discussion at looking at my history and my honest desire to know what happened.

Net result?  I am incapable of understanding because I lack the very basis by which I would be able to understand.  And, yeah, I have to agree - using his examples and my inability to answer the questions.  Kris has met his match ... personal history and how to change it or at least guarantee it will never happen again.  There is no resolution.

Sigh ...

Some of his side conversations were questions which I could not correlate to any point of reference.  Again, something Kris can not not understand but apparently has made me an object of comic derision amongst my friends and acquaintances.  I have to admit I had wondered about that one because I can see affect, it had to have a cause - but I never could have understood.

And so I end a very interesting week.  It began with my Pastor's quotation from the Talmud, passed through a personal trashing you would not believe and ended with Kris suddenly understanding life, the universe and everything ...

On the one hand I can see how the wall I hide behind has been more of a problem than a protective device.  What was supposed to protect me and make me likable, seems to have backfired.  Instead, no one can reach me, because I am not there ...

Conversely, is the me that exists today, whom only one person wants to know and not deride me for.  And I have no real problem with that but the new me is still forming, weekly I am learning more and growing in ways I do not understand at this time.  It all seems so complicated sometimes!  And yet, the only internal peace I have actually experienced.

I am not so sure that my communication helper is going to be meeting the new me ... I might not be able to take the assassination he would attempt to perform.

But we will continue our talks ... from a human communications aspect I want him to explain some parts of First John.  It might help me in my new life.

So, I contacted my friends, those whom used to know me the best, last night.  I wanted honestly, brutal truth and I was ready for it.  Or so I thought.

Apparently, had I of just disappeared last January, I would not have been very missed.

"I have an annoying rosy viewpoint that is not appreciated"
"I am schizoid"
"I need professional help"
"I am delusional" etc, ad nauseum

Yeah, not exactly endearing terms were used.  Dutchman, as usual, was not available for comment on anything other than the house he is buying.

Timothy offered that whatever I do with my future that I should be like the guy in, "A Beautiful Mind", have a keeper to help me distinguish reality from delusion.

Interestingly, he offered his observation that as far as he could figure out, something had changed tremendously inside of me two years ago and i ought to get rid of it because no one understands it.

Yeah, so across the spectrum of my past life ... the best I could do it seems, to compensate for the breakage inside of me, was to become a cosmic comic joke amongst those I trusted for so many decades. All of this I saw last week, as Saturdays post will show, it just had to be so damn prophetic ....