It is not often you will read about someone getting the better of me, man oh man, did Gaelic Girl utterly destroy me in our conversation!
I went to a professional because I wanted some independent input as to where I am, who GG is, the relationship that I believe needs to be terminated and all of the problems which have occurred since 2009. He just stopped me about 20 minutes in and commented that there was no relationship given what I had told him. I was being odd for even thinking something did exist. But, I intrigued him with the complexity of the tale.
Well, I do agree with him. There has not been anything for years. Just inflicted pain and angry outbursts.
I write better than I can talk. It takes me days to form a coherent sentence to express something meaningful to me. And I told GG my opinion and thoughts. But before I reached the part of how do you want to handle the liquidation? I was reminded of something unpleasant.
She was a state champion in debate in her high school years. I never was much into words, constructing arguments, etc. All so much weasel words to me. And she utterly destroyed me in under three sentences. i was left with no reply because I never could have foreseen the tact she took to call me a liar outright.
I even have my posts from when she said what and I am still a liar - concocting this story stretching back years for some unknown reason.
I was left speechless and in an utter state of confusion.
So it seems my idea from the beginning of April will now become the major push - sell it all off piece by piece - I will have little room under my tree I move to in the woods.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Hard Answers
So last night was a night of prayer. Prayer that God would let me know what I am supposed to do about Gaelic Girl and my situation. As I have mentioned in the past, I have a problem letting go of friends, apparently to the point of absurdity. As last night has shown, GG is completely beyond the pale of reality.
Back home she could have been quietly institutionalized and a proper diagnosis performed. But, not in America, especially not in Washington State where the rights of the mentally ill are apparently greater than those they victimize. And I have nothing left.
My ability to hold the course and keep her in the family has reached its end, at least as far as I am concerned. Heavens I might be the one removed from the family if there is sides taking to be performed! Sigh ... No idea how all of this is going to play out today.
I had my friends praying last night with me for wisdom - because I need God's wisdom in this. When I woke up this morning the only thing I really knew was that I had stayed here too long. I should have left in 2012 or beginning of 2013 at the latest, so much pain and a major heart attack could have been avoided. And Sugar Ray's song, Someday, would not be echoing through my mind still.
I hate failure.
I hate losing friends.
I hate what life has done to GG.
But I can not hate what has happened inside of me.
To see in colors and to now understand life for the first time. A blessing I could never share with GG because there was never any love between us.
So, I look ahead to a continued life alone, hey been there for the past five years!
Currently two friends left.
A small army of prayer warriors behind me.
An unknown future ahead.
And I know that God will continue to lead me, where He wants me, just as he has done for most of my life....
Back home she could have been quietly institutionalized and a proper diagnosis performed. But, not in America, especially not in Washington State where the rights of the mentally ill are apparently greater than those they victimize. And I have nothing left.
My ability to hold the course and keep her in the family has reached its end, at least as far as I am concerned. Heavens I might be the one removed from the family if there is sides taking to be performed! Sigh ... No idea how all of this is going to play out today.
I had my friends praying last night with me for wisdom - because I need God's wisdom in this. When I woke up this morning the only thing I really knew was that I had stayed here too long. I should have left in 2012 or beginning of 2013 at the latest, so much pain and a major heart attack could have been avoided. And Sugar Ray's song, Someday, would not be echoing through my mind still.
I hate failure.
I hate losing friends.
I hate what life has done to GG.
But I can not hate what has happened inside of me.
To see in colors and to now understand life for the first time. A blessing I could never share with GG because there was never any love between us.
So, I look ahead to a continued life alone, hey been there for the past five years!
Currently two friends left.
A small army of prayer warriors behind me.
An unknown future ahead.
And I know that God will continue to lead me, where He wants me, just as he has done for most of my life....
Monday, April 28, 2014
In Passing, Paula
When I started attending this current church regularly, I instantly made a few solid acquaintances. Guys were a little sparse because I have NO interest in sports and the men's mid-week study seems to only be attended by those whom were born without cojones. Unfortunately, I was and I loath sitting around listening to men weeping about how unfair life is. Really? Then get your (*&*&^&%^^%#$) out of that chair and do something about it! Gees, life is not that much of a mystery - if you have some cojones and bother to talk with God regularly .....
Well, that leaves the females of the church. First off I killed off any attempts by single women to get to know me, because i do not want to know them and amongst the married women there three safe ones. I have mentioned Elspeth before, she was a good friend, Vonnie was also (a long lost friend from my early NATO childhood! small world!) and last but not least Paula.
Paula, I met because I was surprised to find one of my clients at the church. Well, here in the Pacific Northwest of America, with the lowest Christian church attendance outside Baghdad, plus we both work in Information Technology - not much chance of ever meeting up with one of my clients! He was typical old school - quiet, hard to engage, always alone in a room full of friends. Probably why I liked him - almost exactly like me.
Conversely, Paula was everything her husband was not - outspoken, gregarious, full of life! But, also with a dark side. Life had been cruel to the both of them, they married late in life and struggled to help each other with their personal demons. Paula needed professional help and medication, and yet, even at that .....
Saturday morning, rumor has it, a single shotgun shot to the head and her struggles were over.
Her husband devastated.
"Friends", such as me, to stand with mouths open and unable to grasp what she has done.
Her pastors left more than a little uneasy ... she never reached out in her final struggle.
Perhaps, as the week wears on, I will learn more as to why this happened.
In the meantime, I contemplate with pride the progress my friend is making. In such a few short weeks from desiring death, to desiring life. It has been a hard struggle for them and God always keeping me just in the nick of time with the words to say or the knowledge of what is needed. Currently we are working on trust, hard to relearn once you have been betrayed in life. Yet, without it, there can be no actual quality of life. And, I know they are going to make it just fine .....
Well, that leaves the females of the church. First off I killed off any attempts by single women to get to know me, because i do not want to know them and amongst the married women there three safe ones. I have mentioned Elspeth before, she was a good friend, Vonnie was also (a long lost friend from my early NATO childhood! small world!) and last but not least Paula.
Paula, I met because I was surprised to find one of my clients at the church. Well, here in the Pacific Northwest of America, with the lowest Christian church attendance outside Baghdad, plus we both work in Information Technology - not much chance of ever meeting up with one of my clients! He was typical old school - quiet, hard to engage, always alone in a room full of friends. Probably why I liked him - almost exactly like me.
Conversely, Paula was everything her husband was not - outspoken, gregarious, full of life! But, also with a dark side. Life had been cruel to the both of them, they married late in life and struggled to help each other with their personal demons. Paula needed professional help and medication, and yet, even at that .....
Saturday morning, rumor has it, a single shotgun shot to the head and her struggles were over.
Her husband devastated.
"Friends", such as me, to stand with mouths open and unable to grasp what she has done.
Her pastors left more than a little uneasy ... she never reached out in her final struggle.
Perhaps, as the week wears on, I will learn more as to why this happened.
In the meantime, I contemplate with pride the progress my friend is making. In such a few short weeks from desiring death, to desiring life. It has been a hard struggle for them and God always keeping me just in the nick of time with the words to say or the knowledge of what is needed. Currently we are working on trust, hard to relearn once you have been betrayed in life. Yet, without it, there can be no actual quality of life. And, I know they are going to make it just fine .....
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Mental Illness
My last company paid for me to attend two years worth of psychological classes. They brought in the experts that write the college textbooks to train 52 of us in all forms of spotting and understanding a wide spectrum of mental health issues and anti-social behaviors. With over 250,000 employees, statistically much havoc would be possible in that company!
In fact my first day on assignment after this I had a project manager come across the table to take a whack at the system administrator for not doing what he wanted! Too bad he was smaller than me and slower than me, I was sitting next to her. I fired him on the spot and when his management raised an uproar and called security - i just showed them my get out of jail free card, I represent the President of the company and had nasty manager sent to corporate psychiatry for 6 weeks of classes - :) he was much nicer when he came back and then retired quietly. He did not want to work in a company where employees had rights. Believe it or not!
The classes were a hoot for me because these geniuses could not figure out that I was solidly classified in the realm of abnormal psychiatry my entire life! But, I did pass all of my classes and materials and then was used to attend - usually virtually - meetings and work sessions for about 104 projects I was responsible for, for the next 16 years. Boring as watching spit running off of a wall.
So, why mention this? Because mental illness is something I have been exposed to my entire life - my family is flipping insane, literally! And no, not in a good way. Grandma was the lone reason a lithium mine stayed in production! With her death was the loss of income for about 25 miners...
And for the past five years I have watched, wondered and attempted to research exactly what is wrong with Gaelic Girl. I went through the internet and researched every form of hormonal imbalance - nothing fit her symptoms.
My text books I re-devoured and she fit no classification for mental illness.
That only left demon possession / oppression ...
But, this area is poorly laid out in the Bible, because, well, it is not the point of a book pointing you to your relationship with God, to go in-depth on the vanquished foe of all Christians. And what can be found in "Christian" books is basically Roman Catholic superstition being regurgitated as if it is true and trustworthy. I had reached an end.
Of course, I became terminally ill in 2011, so it really did not matter. Kris was to die, I would at long last be at peace and her insanity ... ? Only appears around me. Yeah, I figured out it was a personal attack. It was not her, it was evil using her to compromise me. But, I was dying, so what evil?, you will not overcome me.
Of course as we know I lived because I told God I would do as told and now three years later, the attacks are worse than ever when she is around me. I heard her come into the bedroom the other night and stumbled on my leg brace. Yeah, I already knew she would sneak in and I do fear for my life - honest FEAR something I have never had. The only thing beyond that brace was the house's only loaded gun and me. I have no wish to die at her hands, I do have something to desire to live for. And that adrenaline rush lasted most of the day!
Conversely, I have often wondered at what if the last several years of my life were my genes coming into play. Well no way I could know, but I seem to be found rational by most and the kids like the new me. So, I am going to go with Kris is sane and GG is still a flipping lunatic!
She has been in therapy now for two years and she only seems to be getting worse. But, if it only raises it ugly head around me, then I have to assume that her therapist thinks she is sane and I am the problem. Not much of a guess since her therapist sent me an email with the names of some counselors in my area. But only one of them is male (not to disparage females, but honestly the one female I do trust is enough! When that trust runs, that will be the end of the Kris willing to be anything other than cordial ever after! - (Well except you Kelly, I still owe you a tremendous debt...).
Will I call that lone guy on that councilor list? Probably not. I have the IRS to still finish paying for 2012. I have some short term debt to get rid of before I can drop my name from the house title. And I truly long for my freedom to just live and die under a tree in the deep woods if other options do not work out.
Hmmmmm, maybe I do have a problem after all ...
In fact my first day on assignment after this I had a project manager come across the table to take a whack at the system administrator for not doing what he wanted! Too bad he was smaller than me and slower than me, I was sitting next to her. I fired him on the spot and when his management raised an uproar and called security - i just showed them my get out of jail free card, I represent the President of the company and had nasty manager sent to corporate psychiatry for 6 weeks of classes - :) he was much nicer when he came back and then retired quietly. He did not want to work in a company where employees had rights. Believe it or not!
The classes were a hoot for me because these geniuses could not figure out that I was solidly classified in the realm of abnormal psychiatry my entire life! But, I did pass all of my classes and materials and then was used to attend - usually virtually - meetings and work sessions for about 104 projects I was responsible for, for the next 16 years. Boring as watching spit running off of a wall.
So, why mention this? Because mental illness is something I have been exposed to my entire life - my family is flipping insane, literally! And no, not in a good way. Grandma was the lone reason a lithium mine stayed in production! With her death was the loss of income for about 25 miners...
And for the past five years I have watched, wondered and attempted to research exactly what is wrong with Gaelic Girl. I went through the internet and researched every form of hormonal imbalance - nothing fit her symptoms.
My text books I re-devoured and she fit no classification for mental illness.
That only left demon possession / oppression ...
But, this area is poorly laid out in the Bible, because, well, it is not the point of a book pointing you to your relationship with God, to go in-depth on the vanquished foe of all Christians. And what can be found in "Christian" books is basically Roman Catholic superstition being regurgitated as if it is true and trustworthy. I had reached an end.
Of course, I became terminally ill in 2011, so it really did not matter. Kris was to die, I would at long last be at peace and her insanity ... ? Only appears around me. Yeah, I figured out it was a personal attack. It was not her, it was evil using her to compromise me. But, I was dying, so what evil?, you will not overcome me.
Of course as we know I lived because I told God I would do as told and now three years later, the attacks are worse than ever when she is around me. I heard her come into the bedroom the other night and stumbled on my leg brace. Yeah, I already knew she would sneak in and I do fear for my life - honest FEAR something I have never had. The only thing beyond that brace was the house's only loaded gun and me. I have no wish to die at her hands, I do have something to desire to live for. And that adrenaline rush lasted most of the day!
Conversely, I have often wondered at what if the last several years of my life were my genes coming into play. Well no way I could know, but I seem to be found rational by most and the kids like the new me. So, I am going to go with Kris is sane and GG is still a flipping lunatic!
She has been in therapy now for two years and she only seems to be getting worse. But, if it only raises it ugly head around me, then I have to assume that her therapist thinks she is sane and I am the problem. Not much of a guess since her therapist sent me an email with the names of some counselors in my area. But only one of them is male (not to disparage females, but honestly the one female I do trust is enough! When that trust runs, that will be the end of the Kris willing to be anything other than cordial ever after! - (Well except you Kelly, I still owe you a tremendous debt...).
Will I call that lone guy on that councilor list? Probably not. I have the IRS to still finish paying for 2012. I have some short term debt to get rid of before I can drop my name from the house title. And I truly long for my freedom to just live and die under a tree in the deep woods if other options do not work out.
Hmmmmm, maybe I do have a problem after all ...
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Pain, Anger & Walls
Last week and into this week, has been a mighty hard transition. Kris is ______, just fill in the blank but be sure that whatever word(s) you use are negative. Nothing positive allowed unless it is going to be backhanded, you are the only one empowered to inflict pain because in spite of words, I know your struggle and your pain.
I continue to struggle in almost all areas of life.
Physically, I have a broken leg in two places and no longer have a foot. I have a glob of flesh with powdered bone and five toes sticking out of it. And the doctor is delighted! I have reached the peak of the disease/syndrome and still have a little sliver of an arch left. So that means he has something to work with in rebuilding the foot. No, it will never be what it used to be, but he thinks it will still be functional by the end of the year through the usage of orthopedic inserts. And unlike 91% of those whom get this curse, I appear to be able to keep the leg! All I have to do is be good - no weight on foot, no carbohydrates or as little as possible.
And so the family and I had a meeting about their expectations of me when I only have one leg. I can not stand for hours on one leg doing dishes, I unfortunately can not do the cooking as I proved Friday night and broke so much stuff it sickens me! I can not bag, nor haul the trash out of the house. And in the same vein I can not do the laundry nor clean the house. All of what I have done for years and was unheralded for.
And anger has been the general response from the family, now that they can not play computer games because there is housework to be done while Mr. Broken just sits there. Sort of the exact opposite of the past five years. Only I do not want to sit, I want to be up and about and instead am stuck on my bum from not being able to do literally anything! If nothing else I would be sorting for my departure from this nightmare.
Emotionally, I have no end of people willing to tell me what is wrong with me and how undesirable I am in their life and to their life. I have no one I can really dump on, so I did on Swedish Rocket Scientist as we drove to see Captain America on Saturday night. It was actually a sort of test for him. I needed someone I could talk to but also I needed to know if I could place any trust in him what so ever any longer. He failed miserably. I asked Gaelic Girl out to lunch after church and she jumped on me for the rest of the day. Yeah, SRS had filled her in on our conversation, apparently even before the Saturday meal was over - because she initially attacked as soon as dinner was over and continued throughout Sunday. He must be one fast texter! So, things I can not tell her, because I do fear for my own safety, based upon her past performances - I apparently can get away with, as long as SRS is blabbing all to her! Good to know. Strike two almost lifelong friends into the waste can of what I do not need in my life any longer.
And I was forced to bring up my own walls at one point, just to protect what little of me is left. As I said, it was a hard weekend and the above betrayal and attacks were not even the half of what went on in my life! But, that information I will skip, because God grants me grace and peace to handle the rest. It is the attacks from those whom fall under the definition of old Kris whom I am having a problem maintaining any safety with or from. And it is so odd to know that some friends, some children, are under my new nature, while all others from the past are not. Some I can Love and see colors with, but the vast majority are still in black and white and even trust is questionable to extend to them.
And just as equally, I managed to piss off the only important person in my life. Some days I swear: If Kris Open Mouth, Then Beat Him Senseless. And yet, even at that God keeps replenishing me so I have to keep coming back - it is like there is some kind of homing device in me that requires me to be there, to absorb all which has been dished out - if I could I would take all of their pain and sorrow, transferred physically on to me, if it could lead to their healing. Yeah hard to explain, so must be filed under "God Thing".
And I realize that much of the problem is that I only have one mechanism for working with friends: love, honesty, transparency and truth. Without those four criteria, there is no relationship in my book. But even with my old friends I am suddenly finding that they are changing to the point where those attributes are no longer important to them inside of a relationhip. Ego, vanity, greed, self interest has taken over all that is important to me, and replaced inside of them.
Apparently, Kris is just an antique, to be relegated to the dust bin of oddities in life. Soon to appear in a Ripley's believe it or not museum - a display called "An Honest Man" ... the greatest oddity of 21st century in human culture. And people will come and stare and wonder what on earth was wrong with him. A relic from another age when honor and integrity were the very basis of a man ..
I continue to struggle in almost all areas of life.
Physically, I have a broken leg in two places and no longer have a foot. I have a glob of flesh with powdered bone and five toes sticking out of it. And the doctor is delighted! I have reached the peak of the disease/syndrome and still have a little sliver of an arch left. So that means he has something to work with in rebuilding the foot. No, it will never be what it used to be, but he thinks it will still be functional by the end of the year through the usage of orthopedic inserts. And unlike 91% of those whom get this curse, I appear to be able to keep the leg! All I have to do is be good - no weight on foot, no carbohydrates or as little as possible.
And so the family and I had a meeting about their expectations of me when I only have one leg. I can not stand for hours on one leg doing dishes, I unfortunately can not do the cooking as I proved Friday night and broke so much stuff it sickens me! I can not bag, nor haul the trash out of the house. And in the same vein I can not do the laundry nor clean the house. All of what I have done for years and was unheralded for.
And anger has been the general response from the family, now that they can not play computer games because there is housework to be done while Mr. Broken just sits there. Sort of the exact opposite of the past five years. Only I do not want to sit, I want to be up and about and instead am stuck on my bum from not being able to do literally anything! If nothing else I would be sorting for my departure from this nightmare.
Emotionally, I have no end of people willing to tell me what is wrong with me and how undesirable I am in their life and to their life. I have no one I can really dump on, so I did on Swedish Rocket Scientist as we drove to see Captain America on Saturday night. It was actually a sort of test for him. I needed someone I could talk to but also I needed to know if I could place any trust in him what so ever any longer. He failed miserably. I asked Gaelic Girl out to lunch after church and she jumped on me for the rest of the day. Yeah, SRS had filled her in on our conversation, apparently even before the Saturday meal was over - because she initially attacked as soon as dinner was over and continued throughout Sunday. He must be one fast texter! So, things I can not tell her, because I do fear for my own safety, based upon her past performances - I apparently can get away with, as long as SRS is blabbing all to her! Good to know. Strike two almost lifelong friends into the waste can of what I do not need in my life any longer.
And I was forced to bring up my own walls at one point, just to protect what little of me is left. As I said, it was a hard weekend and the above betrayal and attacks were not even the half of what went on in my life! But, that information I will skip, because God grants me grace and peace to handle the rest. It is the attacks from those whom fall under the definition of old Kris whom I am having a problem maintaining any safety with or from. And it is so odd to know that some friends, some children, are under my new nature, while all others from the past are not. Some I can Love and see colors with, but the vast majority are still in black and white and even trust is questionable to extend to them.
And just as equally, I managed to piss off the only important person in my life. Some days I swear: If Kris Open Mouth, Then Beat Him Senseless. And yet, even at that God keeps replenishing me so I have to keep coming back - it is like there is some kind of homing device in me that requires me to be there, to absorb all which has been dished out - if I could I would take all of their pain and sorrow, transferred physically on to me, if it could lead to their healing. Yeah hard to explain, so must be filed under "God Thing".
And I realize that much of the problem is that I only have one mechanism for working with friends: love, honesty, transparency and truth. Without those four criteria, there is no relationship in my book. But even with my old friends I am suddenly finding that they are changing to the point where those attributes are no longer important to them inside of a relationhip. Ego, vanity, greed, self interest has taken over all that is important to me, and replaced inside of them.
Apparently, Kris is just an antique, to be relegated to the dust bin of oddities in life. Soon to appear in a Ripley's believe it or not museum - a display called "An Honest Man" ... the greatest oddity of 21st century in human culture. And people will come and stare and wonder what on earth was wrong with him. A relic from another age when honor and integrity were the very basis of a man ..
Friday, April 4, 2014
Life or Death
You know, when you wake up in the morning you pretty much have no idea where life is going to take you, what opportunities God will provide, or what path through the day you will travel. But, if you are willing and able, you could be led almost anywhere - even where you least expect to be found ...
Last week was simply awful.
I had a friend hurting and there seemed to be nothing I could do right in reaching out to them - throughout the whole of the week! It ended with my being unfriended on Thursday. I was devastated and posted my open position on Friday for a new best friend. Perhaps it was a bit tongue in cheek, I was hurting and in a cruel joke on me - it was humorous to think anyone could ever consider being my friend. This was the last active friend in my life. It was only with the greatest of prayer I agreed to meet with my recently lost best friend on Saturday morning. I had prayed bunches before hand, I thought I knew what to say, but Saturday was not much better than Thursday had been ...
Well, it did not go as planned and I ended up driving home in tears for my friend. I could not understand, everything was upside down and backwards. Nothing got through. I had no clue what they were going to do, what God was going to do with them, I was without a clue - this was so far from what I am familiar with. And friendless, I went home in a state of shock.
Many hours later I got a call from them and they were hysterical. I had received such a call like that once, in 1975, from two of my high schoolers. Confused, at the end of themselves, unable to even articulate a complete sentence. I thought they were drunk, it was graduation night and 2:00 AM. Their bodies were found the next morning. And I was utterly devastated and completely clueless. But, that phone call has remained in my active memory through all of these years.
And here again, the exact same words, the exact same confusion, the exact same desperation being confessed. Getting an address, after numerous tries, I flew to my old friend! No, not because I had anything to offer or gain, they had already rejected everything me - but because they were a part of my life and even if not still a friend, their life is far too important to be trifled with!
No, I was not their first choice to call.
No, I was not even their second choice.
They ran out of anyone they could think of they needed to call.
No, I am not the perfect one for such a task.
Just the only one to rush to their side.
And I prayed the entire way there that God could kill all traces of the old me and let only the new creation communicate whatever was needed. I know the old me to be too cold, when friendship, honesty and sincerity were going to be needed. No memory of the recent past could exist between us.
It took many hours to stabilize my friend emotionally, then mentally and finally spiritually. From desiring death to showing them there is hope, there is a reason to live, their life was not over - only Satan's hold over them was and the need to always remain so.
No, no more details than that are needed. Enough to just share that God used me in a big way on Saturday and helping to rebuild my friend ever since - step by tiny step. They are doing well, full of questions, full of fears, full of tears, but handling each day and letting me know instantly a prayer concern or question. God is so awesome when you can see Him in action! I am humbled.
And so, you would think Kris would now be a hero - at least amongst those whom knew what was going on, on Saturday. Nope. My children whom I had praying through this, were interestingly disinterested to learn all was well. Really? The people of my church's prayer chain just asked if intervention had been successful and commented that, that one could now be scratched off the list. Really? Gaelic Girl was in full war regalia from Saturday through today. And I got dumped on Wednesday night by her. On the one hand I am evil and on the other, oh yeah, I am still evil and how come God keeps using me without permission. Really? And of course, I had to hear from GG's therapist, whom wondered at how I could seem to "know" how to help people and yet be so completely clueless concerning GG. Really?
Is human life, any human life, so without value that there can not be a celebration of joy when one is rescued? Really?
Is there some inane characteristic within the Christian body that must correlate unrelated events to prove you evil, or themselves not evil? Really?
Is there some misunderstanding that when a person its bottom that there is a long term critical need for prayer? Really?
For my friend: prayer in all aspects of life as they are slowly returned back to where they need to be, an involved church found (and in Seattle? But it has to exist!), a good Bible Study found, prayer warriors are needed to run interference for them as they grow in strength and faith. Think back to your own struggles as a new Christian - and just imagine that your birth was at the point literally of death - that is how much prayer is needed by you for them! And, Satan is not done with the attack, I have no doubts that even now he is formulating how to call them back over to his side ... it will be tempting, it must appear to be what is desired, it must appear to be an answer from God, but it will be a lie and will predate whom they are today. Yeah, lots of prayer because the fight is not over.
Thank you.
Perhaps we truly are living in the very last days when the hearts of the many, have turned cold and love - even compassion - is no longer a commodity shared between humans ...
Last week was simply awful.
I had a friend hurting and there seemed to be nothing I could do right in reaching out to them - throughout the whole of the week! It ended with my being unfriended on Thursday. I was devastated and posted my open position on Friday for a new best friend. Perhaps it was a bit tongue in cheek, I was hurting and in a cruel joke on me - it was humorous to think anyone could ever consider being my friend. This was the last active friend in my life. It was only with the greatest of prayer I agreed to meet with my recently lost best friend on Saturday morning. I had prayed bunches before hand, I thought I knew what to say, but Saturday was not much better than Thursday had been ...
Well, it did not go as planned and I ended up driving home in tears for my friend. I could not understand, everything was upside down and backwards. Nothing got through. I had no clue what they were going to do, what God was going to do with them, I was without a clue - this was so far from what I am familiar with. And friendless, I went home in a state of shock.
Many hours later I got a call from them and they were hysterical. I had received such a call like that once, in 1975, from two of my high schoolers. Confused, at the end of themselves, unable to even articulate a complete sentence. I thought they were drunk, it was graduation night and 2:00 AM. Their bodies were found the next morning. And I was utterly devastated and completely clueless. But, that phone call has remained in my active memory through all of these years.
And here again, the exact same words, the exact same confusion, the exact same desperation being confessed. Getting an address, after numerous tries, I flew to my old friend! No, not because I had anything to offer or gain, they had already rejected everything me - but because they were a part of my life and even if not still a friend, their life is far too important to be trifled with!
No, I was not their first choice to call.
No, I was not even their second choice.
They ran out of anyone they could think of they needed to call.
No, I am not the perfect one for such a task.
Just the only one to rush to their side.
And I prayed the entire way there that God could kill all traces of the old me and let only the new creation communicate whatever was needed. I know the old me to be too cold, when friendship, honesty and sincerity were going to be needed. No memory of the recent past could exist between us.
It took many hours to stabilize my friend emotionally, then mentally and finally spiritually. From desiring death to showing them there is hope, there is a reason to live, their life was not over - only Satan's hold over them was and the need to always remain so.
No, no more details than that are needed. Enough to just share that God used me in a big way on Saturday and helping to rebuild my friend ever since - step by tiny step. They are doing well, full of questions, full of fears, full of tears, but handling each day and letting me know instantly a prayer concern or question. God is so awesome when you can see Him in action! I am humbled.
And so, you would think Kris would now be a hero - at least amongst those whom knew what was going on, on Saturday. Nope. My children whom I had praying through this, were interestingly disinterested to learn all was well. Really? The people of my church's prayer chain just asked if intervention had been successful and commented that, that one could now be scratched off the list. Really? Gaelic Girl was in full war regalia from Saturday through today. And I got dumped on Wednesday night by her. On the one hand I am evil and on the other, oh yeah, I am still evil and how come God keeps using me without permission. Really? And of course, I had to hear from GG's therapist, whom wondered at how I could seem to "know" how to help people and yet be so completely clueless concerning GG. Really?
Is human life, any human life, so without value that there can not be a celebration of joy when one is rescued? Really?
Is there some inane characteristic within the Christian body that must correlate unrelated events to prove you evil, or themselves not evil? Really?
Is there some misunderstanding that when a person its bottom that there is a long term critical need for prayer? Really?
For my friend: prayer in all aspects of life as they are slowly returned back to where they need to be, an involved church found (and in Seattle? But it has to exist!), a good Bible Study found, prayer warriors are needed to run interference for them as they grow in strength and faith. Think back to your own struggles as a new Christian - and just imagine that your birth was at the point literally of death - that is how much prayer is needed by you for them! And, Satan is not done with the attack, I have no doubts that even now he is formulating how to call them back over to his side ... it will be tempting, it must appear to be what is desired, it must appear to be an answer from God, but it will be a lie and will predate whom they are today. Yeah, lots of prayer because the fight is not over.
Thank you.
Perhaps we truly are living in the very last days when the hearts of the many, have turned cold and love - even compassion - is no longer a commodity shared between humans ...
Friday, March 28, 2014
Best Friend - Position Available
Not exactly the post I had in mind for today, events sort of overshadowed what I had planned on Wednesday!
I do not lose friends well, especially very close special friends. Especially a best friend, where the level of trust required is so high and so fragile. I have only lost two friends ever. One because of gossip done by well meaning people in the Church, was taken wrong by them (and really pissed me off!). The other I still mourn, their self image got in the way of friendship and desire no longer allowed for a Kris in their life.
The last friend I lost was in September, they would not articulate what was going on between us until January. And I took that rebuke to heart and fought very hard to recreate Kris. Too bad it was not until two weeks ago that I learned they had not had my best interest at heart at all, they just wanted me dead in their life! And for two weeks I have struggled to understand and find some way of helping them during a time of crisis, to be there for them as they never had been for me. I tried everything, even tough love, to no avail. And I could not figure this out, everything I said was turned into an attack, everything was used against me, I became the object of derision just for existing. It was not logical, it was not rational, it was ... I had to wonder if spiritual, and yes, I think it is the only explanation left.
Well, I should say that I certainly did get to see them with all of their layers of walls down and the truth on their lips. And it was at least nice to have truth at least once expressed by them. I wonder if they will be able to live with what they said, because it was a horrible condemnation upon themselves. They thought to strike out at me and unfortunately showed the poison of their own soul. For all their claims across their lifetime, one sentence silenced it all and I suddenly understood what I had been seeing for months but never could connect the dots of.
Of course, that is what God is good at, neutralizing the poisons in our lives. If we are willing to actually call upon him in earnest and not pretend. And that offer is still extended towards each of us, until the day we die. And then there is the problem they face of reconciling with me, that would take quite a change I fear at this juncture.
So now, Kris is down to a damaged relationship with Swede, probably no way to actually heal that one short of my death; Dutchman is still a solid friend but has no time anymore for family much less friends; my now departed best friend, well I am not willing to write them off quite yet; and let us not forget Gaelic Girl, whom left my life in 2009 and only pops up to shoot at me occasionally. Pretty good lifetime achievement there, no friends left, I am sure they all would quip at how I earned it at my grave side.
Well, be that as it may, I continue to hold my course to leave - selling off all I have, zeroing out my debts, and then? No idea, God hasn't bothered to tell me. Just one step at a time. I am glad I have had a lifetime of nothing on the inside of me, since only a shell still sits here, now devoid of even the warmth of knowing there was at least one person in this world whom actually cared or wanted to know me - half a year ago.
I was very lost in September because nothing was explained, they were just gone. Sure high level non personal chats were welcome but actual conversations never reoccurred. They never got to see what their January attack had done to me. To bad, as I told them, they might have liked the changes. Certainly, I am the most human I have ever been ... And today, I can not mourn what they killed half a year ago, nor for the new Kris they never bothered to know. No I have mourned for two weeks for them, for what they willingly put themselves through, for no reason what-so-ever. Now they mourn alone, and I still weep for them for they have cut off their one admitted last friend.
So, perhaps when i am past my surgery this fall I will be mobile enough to find a new best friend, but until then the position is open, my old best could think on coming back anytime and make an application. But it will never again be on their terms ...
I do not lose friends well, especially very close special friends. Especially a best friend, where the level of trust required is so high and so fragile. I have only lost two friends ever. One because of gossip done by well meaning people in the Church, was taken wrong by them (and really pissed me off!). The other I still mourn, their self image got in the way of friendship and desire no longer allowed for a Kris in their life.
The last friend I lost was in September, they would not articulate what was going on between us until January. And I took that rebuke to heart and fought very hard to recreate Kris. Too bad it was not until two weeks ago that I learned they had not had my best interest at heart at all, they just wanted me dead in their life! And for two weeks I have struggled to understand and find some way of helping them during a time of crisis, to be there for them as they never had been for me. I tried everything, even tough love, to no avail. And I could not figure this out, everything I said was turned into an attack, everything was used against me, I became the object of derision just for existing. It was not logical, it was not rational, it was ... I had to wonder if spiritual, and yes, I think it is the only explanation left.
Well, I should say that I certainly did get to see them with all of their layers of walls down and the truth on their lips. And it was at least nice to have truth at least once expressed by them. I wonder if they will be able to live with what they said, because it was a horrible condemnation upon themselves. They thought to strike out at me and unfortunately showed the poison of their own soul. For all their claims across their lifetime, one sentence silenced it all and I suddenly understood what I had been seeing for months but never could connect the dots of.
Of course, that is what God is good at, neutralizing the poisons in our lives. If we are willing to actually call upon him in earnest and not pretend. And that offer is still extended towards each of us, until the day we die. And then there is the problem they face of reconciling with me, that would take quite a change I fear at this juncture.
So now, Kris is down to a damaged relationship with Swede, probably no way to actually heal that one short of my death; Dutchman is still a solid friend but has no time anymore for family much less friends; my now departed best friend, well I am not willing to write them off quite yet; and let us not forget Gaelic Girl, whom left my life in 2009 and only pops up to shoot at me occasionally. Pretty good lifetime achievement there, no friends left, I am sure they all would quip at how I earned it at my grave side.
Well, be that as it may, I continue to hold my course to leave - selling off all I have, zeroing out my debts, and then? No idea, God hasn't bothered to tell me. Just one step at a time. I am glad I have had a lifetime of nothing on the inside of me, since only a shell still sits here, now devoid of even the warmth of knowing there was at least one person in this world whom actually cared or wanted to know me - half a year ago.
I was very lost in September because nothing was explained, they were just gone. Sure high level non personal chats were welcome but actual conversations never reoccurred. They never got to see what their January attack had done to me. To bad, as I told them, they might have liked the changes. Certainly, I am the most human I have ever been ... And today, I can not mourn what they killed half a year ago, nor for the new Kris they never bothered to know. No I have mourned for two weeks for them, for what they willingly put themselves through, for no reason what-so-ever. Now they mourn alone, and I still weep for them for they have cut off their one admitted last friend.
So, perhaps when i am past my surgery this fall I will be mobile enough to find a new best friend, but until then the position is open, my old best could think on coming back anytime and make an application. But it will never again be on their terms ...
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
The Bible On Friendship
Proverbs 18:24
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
John 15:12-15
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 12:26
A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
James 4:4
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
Job 16:20-21
My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
John 15:12-15
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 12:26
A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
James 4:4
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
Job 16:20-21
My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Pride and Arrogance
It was just after my birthday this year, when I was surprisingly killed by a friend. I never saw it coming, when it happened - I listened because their opinion matters to me, and because God does use our friends as well:
Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
I have mentioned this episode several times because it was a source of shock. But nothng could have prepared me for what one of "my boys" sent last night:
"Had my old boss over and sitting across the dinner table from me. Asked him if I wasn't a very good employee? He said "well, I fired you 3 times didn't I?
Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
I have mentioned this episode several times because it was a source of shock. But nothng could have prepared me for what one of "my boys" sent last night:
"Had my old boss over and sitting across the dinner table from me. Asked him if I wasn't a very good employee? He said "well, I fired you 3 times didn't I?
A long conversation commenced and I am here to say that I was convicted in my soul. Arrogance.
I want to tell all the people out there that have experienced my rudeness, brashness and thoughtlessness that I can see it now and understand the animosity I've created.
My apologies go out first to my family and those who have known me the longest. Next to my old flames and the loves of my life - two former wives. Who put up with the most. Then to the rest of you all that I have offended. Had I to do it over again, I would have been different all along the way"
Now in his 50's he was been a source of tremendous amounts of prayer in my life. He never understood that he is not 16 anymore and needed to step up and accept responsibility. He is not a Christian and has lived a solid pagan lifestyle and literally threw a fine mind and all potential away in a drug fueled lifetime.
Yeah, I know the process, I know the feeling of seeing yourself through the truth of someone else's eyes for the first time.
Back in January, confused, abandoned and then attacked - I sought God because their words could not possibly be true. And I could lick my wounds and know that they were lies but not why they had been directed at me. Then came the second attack and it was all over for me.
Like this man whom wrote me last night, God showed me, me: Proud, Arrogant, everything I hate in life - I had become. My boxes of awards and even the royalties I live off of now - all fueled the development of an arrogant and proud spirit before my fellow man - and unfortunately God himself. Sure I have a brain and know how to use it, but I never learned how to use a heart - once I had been given one.
I was shattered and emptied. I was suddenly a shell. There was nothing left in me. All there was in left in my life was two friends with no time for me and a raging Gaelic Girl to be sure I never have another positive comment in my life ever again. As for the one whom vanquished me, well they never knew what they had done - nor the cost I paid then and continue to recover from.
Yeah the young man from 1977, will once again have me query him about interest in God, he gets that from me every year but maybe this time he might be more open.
As for me, the old Kris' death began in 2013 and his burial was in January due to a broken spirit. In my personal life I am still struggling having to make make life changing choices in a vacuum, knowing that in 29 hours the end of my year will be sealed when i go into that cast and have no one I can rely on locally.
Yup it has been a challenging year.
Sigh ...
I want to tell all the people out there that have experienced my rudeness, brashness and thoughtlessness that I can see it now and understand the animosity I've created.
My apologies go out first to my family and those who have known me the longest. Next to my old flames and the loves of my life - two former wives. Who put up with the most. Then to the rest of you all that I have offended. Had I to do it over again, I would have been different all along the way"
Now in his 50's he was been a source of tremendous amounts of prayer in my life. He never understood that he is not 16 anymore and needed to step up and accept responsibility. He is not a Christian and has lived a solid pagan lifestyle and literally threw a fine mind and all potential away in a drug fueled lifetime.
Yeah, I know the process, I know the feeling of seeing yourself through the truth of someone else's eyes for the first time.
Back in January, confused, abandoned and then attacked - I sought God because their words could not possibly be true. And I could lick my wounds and know that they were lies but not why they had been directed at me. Then came the second attack and it was all over for me.
Like this man whom wrote me last night, God showed me, me: Proud, Arrogant, everything I hate in life - I had become. My boxes of awards and even the royalties I live off of now - all fueled the development of an arrogant and proud spirit before my fellow man - and unfortunately God himself. Sure I have a brain and know how to use it, but I never learned how to use a heart - once I had been given one.
I was shattered and emptied. I was suddenly a shell. There was nothing left in me. All there was in left in my life was two friends with no time for me and a raging Gaelic Girl to be sure I never have another positive comment in my life ever again. As for the one whom vanquished me, well they never knew what they had done - nor the cost I paid then and continue to recover from.
Yeah the young man from 1977, will once again have me query him about interest in God, he gets that from me every year but maybe this time he might be more open.
As for me, the old Kris' death began in 2013 and his burial was in January due to a broken spirit. In my personal life I am still struggling having to make make life changing choices in a vacuum, knowing that in 29 hours the end of my year will be sealed when i go into that cast and have no one I can rely on locally.
Yup it has been a challenging year.
Sigh ...
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Forgiveness
I thought I knew pain, until I was sucker punched.
I thought I knew relational boundaries, until God over-rode mine.
I thought I knew trust and what it was not.
Throughout life my response has always been the same to questions of trust, integrity and honesty - violate mine and good bye. A very simple credo to live by, black and white, and works well for me, no extended drawn out dramas damaging everyone more and more. I have absolutely no problem having no friends, that has been my life - a few close friends, many acquaintances and many more whom I used to know. Until now.
But what if you are compelled from above, not only to forgive but to actively seek that person's healing, to surprisingly share in their pain? A week ago, my reply would have been a snort because I know this is impossible. Today, not so much.
I am a shattered remnant of what I was in January, very little is left of me after I was gutted and left for dead by a friend with a bone to pick. I have sat in shock since, watching, trying to figure out what happened, and God continued to feed me all I do not want to know, until I finally broke last week. This time, it would have been Argentina, except for that darn leg problem! God, can be quite merciless at times. Trapped by a bum leg, forced to know everything I have no desire to, to see, to know, to feel - to then be given empathy for whom God wants drawn back. Really? And my twin natures tearing me apart within me - loving concern and protective self interest!
You have no idea how hard it was on Friday. I tried to be nice, it did not work. Okay, change wordings, change tactics, change tone. Finally to be blunt. I have no idea how many times or what eventually got through, maybe God's Spirit? Saying anything crass and crude is so hard for me, completely violating my Teutonic upbringing! Good Lord! What Miss Lobb, my Canadian teacher, would have done to me Friday!
And God is supplying me with seemingly endless supplies of grace and mercy, shoring me up for our first real meeting in many months. Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I want to throw up.
As I write this, I have no idea where this day or week is going, so many unanswered questions, so much pressure from all sides and I am a force of one here!
----- So I imagined that my luncheon would not occur. It didn't, no one ate but at least there was a time for talk but not conversation. I could have done better with conversation rather than icicle talking rounds and trying to correct impressions. I hope it was helpful in some regard because the price on me was a bit high for them to just shrug it off.
My forgiveness was commanded, no argument allowed! And, I did, I gave and I asked for forgiveness for the very first time in my life (I think).
I have no doubts that I managed to shoot both of my feet off during the event. I would have done better not going at all, but God seems so dead set on my participation that you just know I will pay for this as well - No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished ... one of my Danish great uncles favorite statements. Ah well, the entire point of this was for their healing and long term spiritual health.
And I do pray that may be so, but if not - my continued prayer will be their return and another chance to try again to argue from God's perspective...
I thought I knew relational boundaries, until God over-rode mine.
I thought I knew trust and what it was not.
Throughout life my response has always been the same to questions of trust, integrity and honesty - violate mine and good bye. A very simple credo to live by, black and white, and works well for me, no extended drawn out dramas damaging everyone more and more. I have absolutely no problem having no friends, that has been my life - a few close friends, many acquaintances and many more whom I used to know. Until now.
But what if you are compelled from above, not only to forgive but to actively seek that person's healing, to surprisingly share in their pain? A week ago, my reply would have been a snort because I know this is impossible. Today, not so much.
I am a shattered remnant of what I was in January, very little is left of me after I was gutted and left for dead by a friend with a bone to pick. I have sat in shock since, watching, trying to figure out what happened, and God continued to feed me all I do not want to know, until I finally broke last week. This time, it would have been Argentina, except for that darn leg problem! God, can be quite merciless at times. Trapped by a bum leg, forced to know everything I have no desire to, to see, to know, to feel - to then be given empathy for whom God wants drawn back. Really? And my twin natures tearing me apart within me - loving concern and protective self interest!
You have no idea how hard it was on Friday. I tried to be nice, it did not work. Okay, change wordings, change tactics, change tone. Finally to be blunt. I have no idea how many times or what eventually got through, maybe God's Spirit? Saying anything crass and crude is so hard for me, completely violating my Teutonic upbringing! Good Lord! What Miss Lobb, my Canadian teacher, would have done to me Friday!
And God is supplying me with seemingly endless supplies of grace and mercy, shoring me up for our first real meeting in many months. Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I want to throw up.
As I write this, I have no idea where this day or week is going, so many unanswered questions, so much pressure from all sides and I am a force of one here!
----- So I imagined that my luncheon would not occur. It didn't, no one ate but at least there was a time for talk but not conversation. I could have done better with conversation rather than icicle talking rounds and trying to correct impressions. I hope it was helpful in some regard because the price on me was a bit high for them to just shrug it off.
My forgiveness was commanded, no argument allowed! And, I did, I gave and I asked for forgiveness for the very first time in my life (I think).
I have no doubts that I managed to shoot both of my feet off during the event. I would have done better not going at all, but God seems so dead set on my participation that you just know I will pay for this as well - No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished ... one of my Danish great uncles favorite statements. Ah well, the entire point of this was for their healing and long term spiritual health.
And I do pray that may be so, but if not - my continued prayer will be their return and another chance to try again to argue from God's perspective...
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tears
I hate crying, it always brings on a horrible headache and makes my eyes puffy and sting. Luckily it is not something I do very often. Up until this past year, I have only ever cried out of frustration.
The first time I ever cried was 1975, when I found my bride to be in bed with my best friend. I was not hurt or angry, I could not feel that, but I could know betrayal and the frustration of not being able to kill two people whom were a huge part of my life. My first tears ever and I have long since cursed myself for even shedding one over them.
I cried when my great-aunt died in 1998 - frustration at the evil of days man lives under. She was married to the Danish dairy farmer whom I lived with every summer of my childhood and credit with making me whatever I am today.
When my grandmother died in 2008, it was the end of the people I cared for in my life. She was the only person I had actually ever identified with, we were very much alike, both artists, both not understood by anyone in the family. I lost my twin with her passing. And I foresaw the frustration her loss would bring in my family and in my life.
At the daily frustration of dealing with my new daughter in 2011 and the blindness she possessed, unwilling to even see, much less admit truth. And God was pushing me to reach out to her - why then, why so important, she was so unwilling to listen or see anything other than what she chose to. I am still at a bit of a loss on that one.
When Gaelic Girl assassinated me in June 2012 because there was only poison in her words and not truth. Of course that was also the end of GG, though complete freedom awaits debt repayment, as fast as I am able.
And I have now been crying, for five straight day now, my first emotional tears of pain and heartbreak. No not for me but for the travails of a friend. And I try to reach out to help, no one should face crisis alone - but I am constantly pushed away. A prayer item. And maybe I have finally discovered what real friendship is - to have empathy for another. Empathy hurts when you can understand ...
Last Wednesday, I was pretty much a wreck, to the extent that I even offered to tell one of my friends at church a tale he would never believe - if he bought breakfast on Thursday. I needed someone to talk to. He was too busy with something I will not go into here, let us just say it is one of evil's many ways to busting Christian kneecaps and he is currently not listening. I retracted my offer in my mind, clearly I have no one I can count on anymore. I get it, Kris is a little hard to care about or deal with; known that my whole life. And so, I pray in a vacuum and live in a vacuum and there are no interactions other than just fluffy nonsense from my children or those currently my friends. No reality from anyone. I question God's constant pressure to remain here. But, I am trying to mend fences right now with a friend whom faded away.
I do not like finding this Kris to be needy, having something now inside of me that wants/desires to be with or around someone, to hold someone special in my life. This desire is alien to me. I fear this more and more, the closer I get to what might be normal. And I see God's hand smacking me constantly to mold me into someone I have never been nor known - to an end I can not anticipate. Death is so much more to be desired than this pain.
Of course, as time passes, so do "things". Perhaps a small step can be made in healing the relationship with a friend today.
The first time I ever cried was 1975, when I found my bride to be in bed with my best friend. I was not hurt or angry, I could not feel that, but I could know betrayal and the frustration of not being able to kill two people whom were a huge part of my life. My first tears ever and I have long since cursed myself for even shedding one over them.
I cried when my great-aunt died in 1998 - frustration at the evil of days man lives under. She was married to the Danish dairy farmer whom I lived with every summer of my childhood and credit with making me whatever I am today.
When my grandmother died in 2008, it was the end of the people I cared for in my life. She was the only person I had actually ever identified with, we were very much alike, both artists, both not understood by anyone in the family. I lost my twin with her passing. And I foresaw the frustration her loss would bring in my family and in my life.
At the daily frustration of dealing with my new daughter in 2011 and the blindness she possessed, unwilling to even see, much less admit truth. And God was pushing me to reach out to her - why then, why so important, she was so unwilling to listen or see anything other than what she chose to. I am still at a bit of a loss on that one.
When Gaelic Girl assassinated me in June 2012 because there was only poison in her words and not truth. Of course that was also the end of GG, though complete freedom awaits debt repayment, as fast as I am able.
And I have now been crying, for five straight day now, my first emotional tears of pain and heartbreak. No not for me but for the travails of a friend. And I try to reach out to help, no one should face crisis alone - but I am constantly pushed away. A prayer item. And maybe I have finally discovered what real friendship is - to have empathy for another. Empathy hurts when you can understand ...
Last Wednesday, I was pretty much a wreck, to the extent that I even offered to tell one of my friends at church a tale he would never believe - if he bought breakfast on Thursday. I needed someone to talk to. He was too busy with something I will not go into here, let us just say it is one of evil's many ways to busting Christian kneecaps and he is currently not listening. I retracted my offer in my mind, clearly I have no one I can count on anymore. I get it, Kris is a little hard to care about or deal with; known that my whole life. And so, I pray in a vacuum and live in a vacuum and there are no interactions other than just fluffy nonsense from my children or those currently my friends. No reality from anyone. I question God's constant pressure to remain here. But, I am trying to mend fences right now with a friend whom faded away.
I do not like finding this Kris to be needy, having something now inside of me that wants/desires to be with or around someone, to hold someone special in my life. This desire is alien to me. I fear this more and more, the closer I get to what might be normal. And I see God's hand smacking me constantly to mold me into someone I have never been nor known - to an end I can not anticipate. Death is so much more to be desired than this pain.
Of course, as time passes, so do "things". Perhaps a small step can be made in healing the relationship with a friend today.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
The Drawn Out End
Sunday, I sat through what may well have been the worse sermon every given, from any pulpit, ever, in the history of Christendom. The guest speaker completely lost it and ended up telling us about how to do a brake job on a car. My daughters both asked what on earth he was talking about, once it was over! I felt sorry for him. I am guessing he just had not prepared very well, and well, it showed.
It is Sunday of this week, I know in my heart that I have to have a talk with Gaelic Girl, a talk I really never expected to ever have. But, as you saw yesterday, I never had to have that talk, GG did. So pressure off me in one regard - my conscience is clear, sorrow in all others however. From where I was on Sunday morning though, I was seeing I had to do something I am completely opposed to and unsure how I could do this without God - and I had no idea how to ask Him to help me terminate an almost lifelong friendship. This was so close to evil, but it had to be done. And in my entire life, I have only terminated a friendship once! It is that traumatic to me!
Hebrews 4:14 - 16
I was stuck in my mind, how do I approach God and ask the unspeakable? I need God's intervention; I have no clue what to do or say. I need before God to be blameless for whatever happens, but what I knew I had to do this, and I was left with great disappointment for myself. And as the poor speaker rambled on over the differences between pads and shoes - I thought on this well timed passage. If I could not approach God, certainly Jesus would on my behalf, He might have already done so. I thought more on this. I needed knowledge, I needed wisdom, I needed intervention.
And in the back of my mind, this over powering impression from December 2011, that April 1, 2014 marked something having to do with Gaelic Girl. I even still have a copy of note I had sent to Lucinda where I told her that if is all was true, then by April 2014 would see the removal of GG from my life. I always assumed this to mean her death, because I had seen she was gone. I never could have believed back in 2011, that she would walk away / abandon / tell me to leave. Because I trusted her completely back then. Yeah, well all things change I guess. Even on Friday, I was still sure she was going to be removed by death, because even as weird as she has become, her mental illness makes it only more reasonable she would do something stupid. And stupid is not discouraged in America. And death is easier to handle than a confrontation. Yeah, I know I am a mess.
In the context of Judaism, the High Priest was the one whom could once a year go into the Holy of Holies and present the sacrifice before God's presence. I remember as a teenager, my Rabbi telling me about how they used to tie a rope around the High Priests leg so that if he died in the presence of God, due to sin, the rabbis could drag him back out by rope and find someone with fewer problems to approach God on behalf of the Jewish nation.
And Jesus was sin free, nothing keeps him from approaching God. While the High Priests on Earth lived fairly secluded lives, Jesus lived amongst us - saw, felt, did as we all do, save for being innocent in the end (unlike us!).
Therefore the High Priest, whom with fear and trembling would approach God on hand and knee in the Holy of Holies - Jesus is completely approachable, just as God is to Him.
Hmmmm, our intermediary to God, someone whom understands me as a human, because He has been there. Someone whom understands God, because He is a part of Him. He can explain what I can not. He can work this evil swirling around me, to good - albeit His good.
I turned GG and her problems over to God in 2010 because it is beyond my abilities to address, much less respond to. I grew up in a home where mental illness was a way of life. I understand it. But, I no more have the ability to do anything about the dysfunction in my parents home, than I am to address it in this home.
As it turned out, it was painful for me to endure GG's attack but God did work it out, at least from the standpoint of my conscience.
Slowly, all of the children will have to come to understand that the idea of GG and me being used in the same sentence, much less around one another, is no longer valid. For me I have no problem for the children's sake of being around GG at family events, but I know GG will. She will posture herself as the victim of my insanity. She is big on justifying everything to herself and others. Appearance as a victim has always been important to her. Whatever.
So this morning, I feel like I am on the other side of this trauma. Oh yeah, it will make most of this year to get past what must be done, but it is doable. I have no doubt there will be many more displays of mental illness and character assassinations, but it is over now inside of me.
Of course, nothing is timed so well as when you actually are in desperate need - and you suddenly find the absence of those whom you were counting on to help you get through this. It is so pronounced that I could have called this post, The Vanishing ...
It is Sunday of this week, I know in my heart that I have to have a talk with Gaelic Girl, a talk I really never expected to ever have. But, as you saw yesterday, I never had to have that talk, GG did. So pressure off me in one regard - my conscience is clear, sorrow in all others however. From where I was on Sunday morning though, I was seeing I had to do something I am completely opposed to and unsure how I could do this without God - and I had no idea how to ask Him to help me terminate an almost lifelong friendship. This was so close to evil, but it had to be done. And in my entire life, I have only terminated a friendship once! It is that traumatic to me!
Hebrews 4:14 - 16
I was stuck in my mind, how do I approach God and ask the unspeakable? I need God's intervention; I have no clue what to do or say. I need before God to be blameless for whatever happens, but what I knew I had to do this, and I was left with great disappointment for myself. And as the poor speaker rambled on over the differences between pads and shoes - I thought on this well timed passage. If I could not approach God, certainly Jesus would on my behalf, He might have already done so. I thought more on this. I needed knowledge, I needed wisdom, I needed intervention.
And in the back of my mind, this over powering impression from December 2011, that April 1, 2014 marked something having to do with Gaelic Girl. I even still have a copy of note I had sent to Lucinda where I told her that if is all was true, then by April 2014 would see the removal of GG from my life. I always assumed this to mean her death, because I had seen she was gone. I never could have believed back in 2011, that she would walk away / abandon / tell me to leave. Because I trusted her completely back then. Yeah, well all things change I guess. Even on Friday, I was still sure she was going to be removed by death, because even as weird as she has become, her mental illness makes it only more reasonable she would do something stupid. And stupid is not discouraged in America. And death is easier to handle than a confrontation. Yeah, I know I am a mess.
In the context of Judaism, the High Priest was the one whom could once a year go into the Holy of Holies and present the sacrifice before God's presence. I remember as a teenager, my Rabbi telling me about how they used to tie a rope around the High Priests leg so that if he died in the presence of God, due to sin, the rabbis could drag him back out by rope and find someone with fewer problems to approach God on behalf of the Jewish nation.
And Jesus was sin free, nothing keeps him from approaching God. While the High Priests on Earth lived fairly secluded lives, Jesus lived amongst us - saw, felt, did as we all do, save for being innocent in the end (unlike us!).
Therefore the High Priest, whom with fear and trembling would approach God on hand and knee in the Holy of Holies - Jesus is completely approachable, just as God is to Him.
Hmmmm, our intermediary to God, someone whom understands me as a human, because He has been there. Someone whom understands God, because He is a part of Him. He can explain what I can not. He can work this evil swirling around me, to good - albeit His good.
I turned GG and her problems over to God in 2010 because it is beyond my abilities to address, much less respond to. I grew up in a home where mental illness was a way of life. I understand it. But, I no more have the ability to do anything about the dysfunction in my parents home, than I am to address it in this home.
As it turned out, it was painful for me to endure GG's attack but God did work it out, at least from the standpoint of my conscience.
Slowly, all of the children will have to come to understand that the idea of GG and me being used in the same sentence, much less around one another, is no longer valid. For me I have no problem for the children's sake of being around GG at family events, but I know GG will. She will posture herself as the victim of my insanity. She is big on justifying everything to herself and others. Appearance as a victim has always been important to her. Whatever.
So this morning, I feel like I am on the other side of this trauma. Oh yeah, it will make most of this year to get past what must be done, but it is doable. I have no doubt there will be many more displays of mental illness and character assassinations, but it is over now inside of me.
Of course, nothing is timed so well as when you actually are in desperate need - and you suddenly find the absence of those whom you were counting on to help you get through this. It is so pronounced that I could have called this post, The Vanishing ...
Friday, February 14, 2014
Falling Dominoes
Quite a few years ago, the CDC went in search for viable examples of the H1N1 virus. There were no known examples anywhere, it had run its course in 1918-1920, killing millions and then quietly went away - never to reappear. They wanted examples to formulate inoculations from. Seemed reasonable, but a little snarkie ... if you are cynical like me.
The CDC did find its examples, in a graveyard in the Aleutian Islands of Alaska. Six frozen corpses supplied the necessary samples, they were then reburied, supposedly in sealed coffins, and the CDC went home happy.
Fast forward to 2009 and H1N1 is found amongst the fur animals of Alaska.
In 2010, H1N1 appears amongst the elephant seal population of the northern Pacific coast.
By 2012 the infection had spread to the entire northern Pacific coast seal population.
Last week I read that the US Government has ordered 600,000,000 doses of H1N1 vaccine. Really? It is safely stored - remember? The corpses under concrete slabs. No hope for an escaped molecule ...
This week, a US military flight was forced to land in Mumbai, India. On board were twin 100,000 gallon tanks feeding a vast aerial dispersal array of piping. It was believed that the jet had been chem-trailing H1N1 over the Near East, in India's formal complaint.
Easy enough to poo-poo as bad press, except that a similar flight was forced down over Kenya this week, as well, duplicate aerial dispersal system - only it appears the chemical was one known to have a calming affect on humans.
This morning, my friend James died apparently of H1N1, the sixth to do so in Washington state, since I first heard of this occurring this week.
Co-incidence? No, they do not exist.
Through either gross arrogance or stupidity, or both! The US military has apparently weaponized H1N1 and is using it.
H1N1, from non-existant to being sprayed over Iran and Afghanistan or maybe it was Iraq and Syria? We may never know, unless a pandemic begins again.
Thank you, from me and all whom loved James in our lives, his murder by some faceless bureaucrat - is not appreciated.
The CDC did find its examples, in a graveyard in the Aleutian Islands of Alaska. Six frozen corpses supplied the necessary samples, they were then reburied, supposedly in sealed coffins, and the CDC went home happy.
Fast forward to 2009 and H1N1 is found amongst the fur animals of Alaska.
In 2010, H1N1 appears amongst the elephant seal population of the northern Pacific coast.
By 2012 the infection had spread to the entire northern Pacific coast seal population.
Last week I read that the US Government has ordered 600,000,000 doses of H1N1 vaccine. Really? It is safely stored - remember? The corpses under concrete slabs. No hope for an escaped molecule ...
This week, a US military flight was forced to land in Mumbai, India. On board were twin 100,000 gallon tanks feeding a vast aerial dispersal array of piping. It was believed that the jet had been chem-trailing H1N1 over the Near East, in India's formal complaint.
Easy enough to poo-poo as bad press, except that a similar flight was forced down over Kenya this week, as well, duplicate aerial dispersal system - only it appears the chemical was one known to have a calming affect on humans.
 | |
| James & International Banker wife |
Co-incidence? No, they do not exist.
Through either gross arrogance or stupidity, or both! The US military has apparently weaponized H1N1 and is using it.
H1N1, from non-existant to being sprayed over Iran and Afghanistan or maybe it was Iraq and Syria? We may never know, unless a pandemic begins again.
Thank you, from me and all whom loved James in our lives, his murder by some faceless bureaucrat - is not appreciated.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Birthday Bucks
I spent quite a bit of time this past weekend spending my birthday money. It is not usual for my friends and family to give cash, and yet, they did this year! Well, I am not going to complain, I think my tastes are so eclectic that everyone has given up one! And yet, I think I am quite easy to shop for!
My sister sent me money to buy new art brushes with, well my brushes are fine but there is a thing called a shader used in pastels that I use and managed to lose somehow! The stinking little brush handled nibs of soft rubber are expensive and I have been using Q-Tips and toothpicks dipped in maskit to keep areas of my watercolor paintings white. So, I picked up a set with that money.
My last remaining step-mother's gift I used for buying some cotton water color paper. I sure wish I had stocked up three years ago when I read about the Egyptian cotton failure! Seems everyone now is having crop failures and the price of cotton has tripled - and paper being a secondary market has become almost untouchable! But, now I have 36 sheets, so that will last me quite a while!
Dutchman gave me what turned into two instructions books. One is how to evaluate something you have painted in order to make it a better painting on your next attempt. At first I snorted when I saw the title but then as I leafed through the book I realized that their advice was quite valid. The other is something which is nothing but examples on how to do more realistic painting.
My mother's gift was spent at a woodworking store. I am very pleased with some cheap wood I managed to scarf up as it was on sale! Sweet! I love sales!
And even Gaelic Girl gave some money with which I picked up the Art of the West from the Cody Museum, in Cody, Wyoming. I had gone to this museum back in 1992, taking my American "nephew" to see Yellowstone and the museum was next door to the hotel. The heck with the park! I fell in love with the museum! So everyday we did the free movie showing, wandered the incredible exhibits and somehow still fit all of Yellowstone in! Very happy to find the book!
I even bought myself a book as well, since the birthday money ran dry, an exercise book. Yuck! But, when I leafed through it I saw all of my old back exercises in there as well as knee exercises. Plus it had a section of what to set you goals on. Sure someone, somewhere can do 10 minutes of jumping jacks but I think I will start with 30 seconds and work my way up from there! Gotta do something if I am to survive the Bigfoot Hunt this August with my cousins and friends! (Though I am betting I will be the only one to actually do it and be forced to work out of a campground. But, I will be in better shape and still have fun all on my lonesome.)
My sister sent me money to buy new art brushes with, well my brushes are fine but there is a thing called a shader used in pastels that I use and managed to lose somehow! The stinking little brush handled nibs of soft rubber are expensive and I have been using Q-Tips and toothpicks dipped in maskit to keep areas of my watercolor paintings white. So, I picked up a set with that money.
My last remaining step-mother's gift I used for buying some cotton water color paper. I sure wish I had stocked up three years ago when I read about the Egyptian cotton failure! Seems everyone now is having crop failures and the price of cotton has tripled - and paper being a secondary market has become almost untouchable! But, now I have 36 sheets, so that will last me quite a while!
Dutchman gave me what turned into two instructions books. One is how to evaluate something you have painted in order to make it a better painting on your next attempt. At first I snorted when I saw the title but then as I leafed through the book I realized that their advice was quite valid. The other is something which is nothing but examples on how to do more realistic painting.
My mother's gift was spent at a woodworking store. I am very pleased with some cheap wood I managed to scarf up as it was on sale! Sweet! I love sales!
And even Gaelic Girl gave some money with which I picked up the Art of the West from the Cody Museum, in Cody, Wyoming. I had gone to this museum back in 1992, taking my American "nephew" to see Yellowstone and the museum was next door to the hotel. The heck with the park! I fell in love with the museum! So everyday we did the free movie showing, wandered the incredible exhibits and somehow still fit all of Yellowstone in! Very happy to find the book!
I even bought myself a book as well, since the birthday money ran dry, an exercise book. Yuck! But, when I leafed through it I saw all of my old back exercises in there as well as knee exercises. Plus it had a section of what to set you goals on. Sure someone, somewhere can do 10 minutes of jumping jacks but I think I will start with 30 seconds and work my way up from there! Gotta do something if I am to survive the Bigfoot Hunt this August with my cousins and friends! (Though I am betting I will be the only one to actually do it and be forced to work out of a campground. But, I will be in better shape and still have fun all on my lonesome.)
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Making A Difference
Last week was fairly horrible. I learned a great deal, I learned a great deal about me, I learned a great deal relationally.
Apparently, God felt I had grown enough to take both barrels of a shotgun to the guts, or He was gracious enough provide the body armor needed to not kill me - just my angel.
So, with lots to think on, pray over, remember, analyze, and come to either a prayer list item on, learn from or understand how to clear up miscommunications. Yeah, it was quite a few days there, the past five years playing a prominent role in this self evaluation.
And today, I thought on this. What I just went through has not so bad a lesson for each of us to consider this year!
Pray
We each need prayer, all of us, no matter how well you think you have a handle on life!
Our family members need prayer.
Our religious leaders need prayer.
Our civil leaders need prayer.
Our children's teachers need prayer.
Our government leaders need prayer.
All nations need prayer.
We need to pray for a war against Satan and his inroads into our daily lives. Sorry, I am not talking denominational anything, bad Biblical theology anything! I am talking a war on the corruption at virtually all levels in our lives!
You literally would not want to see my prayer list!
Mentor
Not only do we each need mentoring in some capacity, but we also need to mentor others around us.
None of us know it all, if you think you do - guess what! You are wrong, I have proof.
We need, in varying capacities, interpersonal relationship help, knowledge and application in dealing with God and others.
Swede beats me up regularly concerning interpersonal relationship, Niece has been driving herself crazy helping this mess of a man learn how to be human, Dutchman keeps my feet firmly on the ground and my eyes on the future and not the darkness of the past, and yes, I have those whom I turn to bounce my thoughts on God off of and visa-versa. I need lots of help it seems day to day, reaching out to become ... ? Something, when I grow up, I guess.
Encourage
Everyone needs help in most areas of their lives, whether that is physical or financial help, or just a kind word.
The world is full of people willing to kick your teeth in, praise God when you find one whom believes in you, says the kind word, shares a word of wisdom, etc !
Equally, you can easily be that source of encouragement in another's life - especially with youth! Everyone appreciates an atta-boy, everyone enjoys a smile and a well wish. Sure there are those whose are beyond encouragement but 99.9% would like a kind word.
As for youth, they have a world of negatives out there, they hear the constant drone of the drum chanting out how stupid, incompetent, etc they are. Usually it is just their mind set, translating all messages that way.
So, be the unexpected, do the unexpected, be an encourager.
Apparently, God felt I had grown enough to take both barrels of a shotgun to the guts, or He was gracious enough provide the body armor needed to not kill me - just my angel.
So, with lots to think on, pray over, remember, analyze, and come to either a prayer list item on, learn from or understand how to clear up miscommunications. Yeah, it was quite a few days there, the past five years playing a prominent role in this self evaluation.
And today, I thought on this. What I just went through has not so bad a lesson for each of us to consider this year!
Pray
We each need prayer, all of us, no matter how well you think you have a handle on life!
Our family members need prayer.
Our religious leaders need prayer.
Our civil leaders need prayer.
Our children's teachers need prayer.
Our government leaders need prayer.
All nations need prayer.
We need to pray for a war against Satan and his inroads into our daily lives. Sorry, I am not talking denominational anything, bad Biblical theology anything! I am talking a war on the corruption at virtually all levels in our lives!
You literally would not want to see my prayer list!
Mentor
Not only do we each need mentoring in some capacity, but we also need to mentor others around us.
None of us know it all, if you think you do - guess what! You are wrong, I have proof.
We need, in varying capacities, interpersonal relationship help, knowledge and application in dealing with God and others.
Swede beats me up regularly concerning interpersonal relationship, Niece has been driving herself crazy helping this mess of a man learn how to be human, Dutchman keeps my feet firmly on the ground and my eyes on the future and not the darkness of the past, and yes, I have those whom I turn to bounce my thoughts on God off of and visa-versa. I need lots of help it seems day to day, reaching out to become ... ? Something, when I grow up, I guess.
Encourage
Everyone needs help in most areas of their lives, whether that is physical or financial help, or just a kind word.
The world is full of people willing to kick your teeth in, praise God when you find one whom believes in you, says the kind word, shares a word of wisdom, etc !
Equally, you can easily be that source of encouragement in another's life - especially with youth! Everyone appreciates an atta-boy, everyone enjoys a smile and a well wish. Sure there are those whose are beyond encouragement but 99.9% would like a kind word.
As for youth, they have a world of negatives out there, they hear the constant drone of the drum chanting out how stupid, incompetent, etc they are. Usually it is just their mind set, translating all messages that way.
So, be the unexpected, do the unexpected, be an encourager.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Musical Saturday Morning
Missing old acquaintances this morning. Watched some videos from my cousin (if she divorces my real cousin, is she still my cousin, I hate family intrigue politics!) and almost posted another one by her this morning because I am in a wild Scottish rocker mood. But, then got to thinking about Hans Hölzel - it has been 15 years since his death and yeah I miss him too.
Hans was one of those eaten alive by stardom and certainly not what he ever wanted. One of only four Austrians to actually make it to international attention, the only Austrian rocker of note, the only German speaker to score a number one on the American Billboard - He was talented. And in spite of all you might read about him and his problems, he did love his wife.
But, with fame came chemical dependencies and situations not conducive for family nor children. He lost both, even to the point of in the heat of the hatred surrounding his divorce - his wife told him his daughter was not actually his, and his life spiraled out of control. A story not unique to him at all. I can still remember him climbing on stage and beating the (tar) out of a bass player at an open air concert, because the guy could not play to Hans' liking. He then took the guitar and made a complete ass of himself - too far gone to play. I felt so sorry for him. I could understand how he fell so low ... he had lost all he knew and all he loved. There was nothing left for him as a Germanic male. We are fragile it seems.
But, in earlier times, when he was at his height of both creativity and popularity, Amedeus was released in 1985. I howled with laughter when I saw what he had done. Well done Hans.
But, his fall was already in progress.
Make no mistake, Hans did figure it all out, somehow got his life clean and himself back together. He was working on a new album, building a new house in the Dominican Republic and staging a comeback. I remember he had said that his greatest love was his daughter, and when he started the house project, my wanting to ask him how moving half way around the world was going to allow him to stay in her life. I did not have the guts back then to say it. And at his death in 1998, while on a trip to see how the house was coming along, all he had went to his daughter (as I remember) but she was too young to understand. I remember thinking how it was sort of a trick of the fates - his ex was probably going to be the first person to stay in his house.
Like so many, he got famous, he lost it all, he got cleaned up, got his life together and BLAM!, he was gone. It happens far too often to be a coincidence. It is like God gives one really hard shove, so a person can get it together because He knows time is short. Whether being hit by a car in Vienna, backed over by a bread truck in Seattle or flattened by an out of control bus in the Dominican Republic - when it is time, it is time - to the split second. At least, that is my belief.
I am glad he got a piece of his life together - for his daughter's sake if nothing else. Maybe it is just a Germanic thing, but I think it is important how you are remembered. For Hans, I knew him going up and then flat on his face. I was excited for him to attempt his comeback, cleaned up, sober, pulling all of the pieces of his life back together. I only wish 30 years ago I had been brave enough to have witnessed about the only real answer in this life.
Hans was one of those eaten alive by stardom and certainly not what he ever wanted. One of only four Austrians to actually make it to international attention, the only Austrian rocker of note, the only German speaker to score a number one on the American Billboard - He was talented. And in spite of all you might read about him and his problems, he did love his wife.
But, with fame came chemical dependencies and situations not conducive for family nor children. He lost both, even to the point of in the heat of the hatred surrounding his divorce - his wife told him his daughter was not actually his, and his life spiraled out of control. A story not unique to him at all. I can still remember him climbing on stage and beating the (tar) out of a bass player at an open air concert, because the guy could not play to Hans' liking. He then took the guitar and made a complete ass of himself - too far gone to play. I felt so sorry for him. I could understand how he fell so low ... he had lost all he knew and all he loved. There was nothing left for him as a Germanic male. We are fragile it seems.
But, in earlier times, when he was at his height of both creativity and popularity, Amedeus was released in 1985. I howled with laughter when I saw what he had done. Well done Hans.
But, his fall was already in progress.
Make no mistake, Hans did figure it all out, somehow got his life clean and himself back together. He was working on a new album, building a new house in the Dominican Republic and staging a comeback. I remember he had said that his greatest love was his daughter, and when he started the house project, my wanting to ask him how moving half way around the world was going to allow him to stay in her life. I did not have the guts back then to say it. And at his death in 1998, while on a trip to see how the house was coming along, all he had went to his daughter (as I remember) but she was too young to understand. I remember thinking how it was sort of a trick of the fates - his ex was probably going to be the first person to stay in his house.
Like so many, he got famous, he lost it all, he got cleaned up, got his life together and BLAM!, he was gone. It happens far too often to be a coincidence. It is like God gives one really hard shove, so a person can get it together because He knows time is short. Whether being hit by a car in Vienna, backed over by a bread truck in Seattle or flattened by an out of control bus in the Dominican Republic - when it is time, it is time - to the split second. At least, that is my belief.
I am glad he got a piece of his life together - for his daughter's sake if nothing else. Maybe it is just a Germanic thing, but I think it is important how you are remembered. For Hans, I knew him going up and then flat on his face. I was excited for him to attempt his comeback, cleaned up, sober, pulling all of the pieces of his life back together. I only wish 30 years ago I had been brave enough to have witnessed about the only real answer in this life.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Poor Dutchman
Poor Dutchman is beside himself. His youngest son has decided to marry and announced to the world yesterday his choice. Yeah, another train wreck for his life, as if he has not been beset by enough as it is.
I have never commented much about the details concerning this son because, well, mainly I refuse to allow my mind to sink to such levels. Let us just say that he has been very troubled for the past nine years. Both Dutchman and I had sort of fantasized that the youngest son would be interested in and eventually marry my oldest. Silly parents! Before he was out of high school, Dutchman came to me and told me that he would not allow his son to even attempt to go on another date with my daughter. Apparently, he found out how sick his son really was before either I or my daughter did!
And as the years ticked by, that young man was making grosser and grosser mistakes in life. There are levels of sickness we are talking here so black that the mind has a hard time wrapping itself around the concept of how could someone be that ... broken. And most of that started when Dutchman was away working in Denmark on a project, which then injured him severely and he was then out of it for a few years recovering. At least the legalities of what son did, the father was able to finance a way around - with the added cost of expensive attorneys.
It is like Satan staged the perfect attack: father gets sent out on a job for two years, son is lured into sickness, father is injured and loses another two years recovering, son falls further into depravity, father is hurting financially and can not even send son to therapy (actually I am not even sure we knew such a thing existed at the time!), son's mis-behaviors begin to cause problems in his life and spiral him into unemployment and substance abuse, he refuses to talk with his father or even me any longer! Then he starts to get his head together but by now is living the pagan lifestyle and likes it. Along comes someone he should never have even met - and now scheduled wedding bells.
I can hope that he will have a great marriage or family or a bright future, but I fear he has willing tried an anchor to his leg and the next time he does a nose dive - well, nothing will raise him from those depths. And living as a non-Christian, marrying a non-Christian - a secular marriage, he only has a 40% chance of not ending in divorce in the first five years. Even if he turned himself around and she became a Christian, today's percents are almost as dismal.
She is from South Dakota, so I expect she will be off for there dragging Dutchman's son along behind her, at least until she tires of him. Twenty-two, four husbands, yeah it is hard to be positive and hope for much other than she is going for another income check.
And, just as easily, this could be my son in a few years ... sigh ...
So for those young men, whom are my readers, consider your choices and actions well. This young man did not wake up one morning at his Christian school and say, "Gosh, wouldn't it be nice to be addicted to virtually everything and then marry someone because she appeals to my increasing problems?"
No, step by step, choice by choice, you drive a wedge between you and God, sure God can forgive almost everything - but you will wake up one morning and no longer care there even is a God because you crave your next addiction or feel so sorry for what you did and know God never could forgive you - so why try any more?
It is all lies from Satan. He only has one purpose - to discount your testimony before your friends so they will know you only believe in a lie. And when he can get you to that point, you are lost, as are all of your friends whom are now following your example.
So, look at your life and consider what it ought to be. Repent. Get back into the Word. Get back into prayer. Get back into fellowship.
And most importantly - learn to forgive and let go of what drove you away from God in the first place.
I have never commented much about the details concerning this son because, well, mainly I refuse to allow my mind to sink to such levels. Let us just say that he has been very troubled for the past nine years. Both Dutchman and I had sort of fantasized that the youngest son would be interested in and eventually marry my oldest. Silly parents! Before he was out of high school, Dutchman came to me and told me that he would not allow his son to even attempt to go on another date with my daughter. Apparently, he found out how sick his son really was before either I or my daughter did!
And as the years ticked by, that young man was making grosser and grosser mistakes in life. There are levels of sickness we are talking here so black that the mind has a hard time wrapping itself around the concept of how could someone be that ... broken. And most of that started when Dutchman was away working in Denmark on a project, which then injured him severely and he was then out of it for a few years recovering. At least the legalities of what son did, the father was able to finance a way around - with the added cost of expensive attorneys.
It is like Satan staged the perfect attack: father gets sent out on a job for two years, son is lured into sickness, father is injured and loses another two years recovering, son falls further into depravity, father is hurting financially and can not even send son to therapy (actually I am not even sure we knew such a thing existed at the time!), son's mis-behaviors begin to cause problems in his life and spiral him into unemployment and substance abuse, he refuses to talk with his father or even me any longer! Then he starts to get his head together but by now is living the pagan lifestyle and likes it. Along comes someone he should never have even met - and now scheduled wedding bells.
I can hope that he will have a great marriage or family or a bright future, but I fear he has willing tried an anchor to his leg and the next time he does a nose dive - well, nothing will raise him from those depths. And living as a non-Christian, marrying a non-Christian - a secular marriage, he only has a 40% chance of not ending in divorce in the first five years. Even if he turned himself around and she became a Christian, today's percents are almost as dismal.
She is from South Dakota, so I expect she will be off for there dragging Dutchman's son along behind her, at least until she tires of him. Twenty-two, four husbands, yeah it is hard to be positive and hope for much other than she is going for another income check.
And, just as easily, this could be my son in a few years ... sigh ...
So for those young men, whom are my readers, consider your choices and actions well. This young man did not wake up one morning at his Christian school and say, "Gosh, wouldn't it be nice to be addicted to virtually everything and then marry someone because she appeals to my increasing problems?"
No, step by step, choice by choice, you drive a wedge between you and God, sure God can forgive almost everything - but you will wake up one morning and no longer care there even is a God because you crave your next addiction or feel so sorry for what you did and know God never could forgive you - so why try any more?
It is all lies from Satan. He only has one purpose - to discount your testimony before your friends so they will know you only believe in a lie. And when he can get you to that point, you are lost, as are all of your friends whom are now following your example.
So, look at your life and consider what it ought to be. Repent. Get back into the Word. Get back into prayer. Get back into fellowship.
And most importantly - learn to forgive and let go of what drove you away from God in the first place.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Kimberly Ann
So there I was standing, staring blankly into the sunrise, I need caffeine, I was stunned I was upright. Suddenly, a form leaps in front of me! and throws its arms around me, burying its nose in my right armpit! What is it with my armpits and why are they always on nose level of the females I know?!?!?!?
I pushed the female form back so I could see whom it was. Surprisingly, it was Kimberly Ann aka African Missionary Girl of years ago! I was oh so happy to see her!
She had come out here to see her brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving, and as fate would have it, me as well! It was so joyful to see her and talk and share. There was still so much more to talk about when she had to go but I thanked God for moments we did have.
I spotted her husband a few times but he never approached, so I just hung back.
So, a pleasant start to an interesting Sunday.
After church is was off to the local Mexican restaurant, where she is demonstrating that the best fried ice cream is to be found here.
She had come out here to see her brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving, and as fate would have it, me as well! It was so joyful to see her and talk and share. There was still so much more to talk about when she had to go but I thanked God for moments we did have.
I spotted her husband a few times but he never approached, so I just hung back.
So, a pleasant start to an interesting Sunday.
After church is was off to the local Mexican restaurant, where she is demonstrating that the best fried ice cream is to be found here.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Nature of Friendship
Having lost most of my friends last year and most of my acquaintances as well, because I was willing to risk all to do what God told me - and would do so again - I have contemplated the nature of friendship this year.
In years past, friend or no friend, all was meaningless to me - but God had to change me from what I knew to this unknown I slosh through. But, it had to all happen at once, my nature to be changed, my friends to desert me - the timing perfect. And yet ...
God knew and God provided - a friend, a teacher, an equal. When I sat stunned and betrayed, part of me was still trying to work through the mystery of this. Do not ask me, God's ways and timing are not my own. I still marvel and wonder where ultimately all will be found ...
He gave me what He knew I would need and it caused me pause to contemplate much about life, being a human being, about me and about God. In there is the concept of friendship in all of its manifestations.
Proverbs 17:17 - a friend hurts when your hurt.
It takes God's LOVE at all times to be able to be a friend when times are hard. Hard times show you whom your true friends really are. And I contemplated that as i saw a slow parade through my room in ER's CCU during the wait for surgery and then the recovery. Those whom were not my friends evaporated and were not to be found. And yet, I know, because I do know, though some think themselves enemies of me, they will figure it out and return to find my friendship will not have changed.
Consider Job 6:14, a friend should be there for you - even if you decide to abandon God! That is commitment and love being spelled out.
Proverbs 27:6 -A real friend will say what needs to be said, even when it hurts you. They will confront you with the truth. Everybody needs a real friend - flesh and blood - someone whom will have faith in you, even when we have lost faith in ourselves.
Proverbs 22:24 - avoid the angry man, his ways will rub off on you!
A real friend will bring out the best in you. They will encourage you, they will stand, when others fall away.
Whom you choose as friends is extremely important, pick the wrong ones and you will become like them and waste years until you wake up and realize how you have been played.
Pick the correct ones and you will be encouraged into becoming the best that you can be - and perhaps - even more!
So across this past weekend, a time of reflection and thanksgiving, I am saddened that those whom I counted as friends for decades - were not. I rejoice for those whom have been so during that same time period and as I have been tried by fire, stood there with me, and suffered as well, then encouraged me to be what I could still be. Then I rejoice for the new friend, I never could have foreseen, never could have understood and can only marvel at God and wonder, "What is He still up to?"
In years past, friend or no friend, all was meaningless to me - but God had to change me from what I knew to this unknown I slosh through. But, it had to all happen at once, my nature to be changed, my friends to desert me - the timing perfect. And yet ...
God knew and God provided - a friend, a teacher, an equal. When I sat stunned and betrayed, part of me was still trying to work through the mystery of this. Do not ask me, God's ways and timing are not my own. I still marvel and wonder where ultimately all will be found ...
He gave me what He knew I would need and it caused me pause to contemplate much about life, being a human being, about me and about God. In there is the concept of friendship in all of its manifestations.
Proverbs 17:17 - a friend hurts when your hurt.
It takes God's LOVE at all times to be able to be a friend when times are hard. Hard times show you whom your true friends really are. And I contemplated that as i saw a slow parade through my room in ER's CCU during the wait for surgery and then the recovery. Those whom were not my friends evaporated and were not to be found. And yet, I know, because I do know, though some think themselves enemies of me, they will figure it out and return to find my friendship will not have changed.
Consider Job 6:14, a friend should be there for you - even if you decide to abandon God! That is commitment and love being spelled out.
Proverbs 27:6 -A real friend will say what needs to be said, even when it hurts you. They will confront you with the truth. Everybody needs a real friend - flesh and blood - someone whom will have faith in you, even when we have lost faith in ourselves.
Proverbs 22:24 - avoid the angry man, his ways will rub off on you!
A real friend will bring out the best in you. They will encourage you, they will stand, when others fall away.
Whom you choose as friends is extremely important, pick the wrong ones and you will become like them and waste years until you wake up and realize how you have been played.
Pick the correct ones and you will be encouraged into becoming the best that you can be - and perhaps - even more!
So across this past weekend, a time of reflection and thanksgiving, I am saddened that those whom I counted as friends for decades - were not. I rejoice for those whom have been so during that same time period and as I have been tried by fire, stood there with me, and suffered as well, then encouraged me to be what I could still be. Then I rejoice for the new friend, I never could have foreseen, never could have understood and can only marvel at God and wonder, "What is He still up to?"
Monday, November 11, 2013
Antiquing
So, the Philippines are being trashed by one of the biggest storms ever on record and Kris does an antique show. Seems trivial and given the lack of news on American news, I have no clue as to real news involving the typhoon! Yeah, I can tell you how many breaths any player took during the latest football game but real news - well just no time for that when football players are breathing!
The show was heavily attended on Saturday, alas the show was four days long however! But, it is was a good show for me and I sold or traded away about one third of what I had brought - so no complaints from me.
The customers were interesting however. A tremendous amount of identity challenged came. It was a bit weird in fact. My mother, whom I was there to help, thankfully was blissfully ignorant - otherwise her mouth would have been intolerable! Yeah, she was in fine form and bad mouthing most and borderline out of control through the three days of the show. Only one nitro to get me through the first day though!
I was torn how to react when a group of ladies came through dressed in 1870's style bustle dresses. One of them was a guy. I just ignore such specticals but I had to wonder at why he would want to dress as a woman of 140 years ago. I mean it is not as if that style of clothing was comfortable in the least.
But the coolest part was cotton-candy girl was there, with her two daughters and she jumped me in a huge bear hug. Now she is one of my special girls, was so 11 years ago when she was in high school, still is. I found the rebirth of my emotion for a daughter! Dead for over a year and yet apparently still there when I am not watchful! I told her she was loved and she broke down into tears. No idea what all is going on inside her but I guess that was something she needed to hear - even from a old German. Since last I wrote of her, she and her husband have bought a house, renovated it and started going to a small church near the home. Very cool. I am very happy for the both of them. That truly was the highlight of the weekend for me!
So got rid of a ton of stuff, bought a bit - some Christmas presents, a few coins for me, some things in trade I can use at my next show.
Very long, very tiring, and very stressful four days. So terribly glad it is over!
The show was heavily attended on Saturday, alas the show was four days long however! But, it is was a good show for me and I sold or traded away about one third of what I had brought - so no complaints from me.
The customers were interesting however. A tremendous amount of identity challenged came. It was a bit weird in fact. My mother, whom I was there to help, thankfully was blissfully ignorant - otherwise her mouth would have been intolerable! Yeah, she was in fine form and bad mouthing most and borderline out of control through the three days of the show. Only one nitro to get me through the first day though!
I was torn how to react when a group of ladies came through dressed in 1870's style bustle dresses. One of them was a guy. I just ignore such specticals but I had to wonder at why he would want to dress as a woman of 140 years ago. I mean it is not as if that style of clothing was comfortable in the least.
But the coolest part was cotton-candy girl was there, with her two daughters and she jumped me in a huge bear hug. Now she is one of my special girls, was so 11 years ago when she was in high school, still is. I found the rebirth of my emotion for a daughter! Dead for over a year and yet apparently still there when I am not watchful! I told her she was loved and she broke down into tears. No idea what all is going on inside her but I guess that was something she needed to hear - even from a old German. Since last I wrote of her, she and her husband have bought a house, renovated it and started going to a small church near the home. Very cool. I am very happy for the both of them. That truly was the highlight of the weekend for me!
So got rid of a ton of stuff, bought a bit - some Christmas presents, a few coins for me, some things in trade I can use at my next show.
Very long, very tiring, and very stressful four days. So terribly glad it is over!
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