Fade Away

You have no idea how rough last week was!
You have no idea how relieved I am I survived last week.
Poor brother Timothy was calling multiple times a night just to be sure I had not killed myself.

People do not do what I was led to do last week - I decoded my own personality and was to learn the very secret of Kris.
Kris, as God created him, stripped of all and seen solely by me - as created.
No it was not pretty.
It was annoying to finally know.

It requires action on my part.
It requires one of my friends to take quite a responsibility in my life, for me to succeed.

But, where ever the remainder of the year leads, the usefulness of Thoughts From The Little Apple is over.

The sole purpose of blogs 1 through 7, was to help me through the struggle which began in August 2005 to arrive exactly at where I did last Thursday - almost 9 years later.  To resolve within myself the dichotomy between my reformation discipleship and where the American theological schools have led the church down the sewer of disbelief.  Talk about my bizarre life.  And, along the way, I discovered the real me and explanations for far more than anyone reading this wants to know.

And so from blog 7, I resign my pen.  The task is done.  The future lay ahead....
I will keep Thoughts from the Little Apple up, i think some of my best writings are in there, albeit, the least popular or read of my postings!  
But, this is the final post for this Blog.  I have no where else to go except a different direction and that would not be supported by the volume of posts here.

The further adventures of mine will be carried on here:
After The Apple

Not sure of the approach or what I will go into there - yet - at least for the rest of this year, but next year I hope to blow you away ...

To my faithful readers, thank you.  Your encouragement and prayers are all that have gotten me to where I suddenly find myself.

Musical Saturday Morning

I am posting this on April 29th.

Life has not quite gone as I had ever planned or foreseen.
I never could have understood what happened to me on December 29, 2012.
I never could have understood where it would lead.
I never could have understood the changes it would cause in my life.

After a night of prayer, I now know that it is time for Kris to just fade away.



I now know what is going on.
I understand what God is doing.
I sort of did before, but there was no confirmation.
Now, it all makes sense.
No, not an easy road to walk.

And they will point fingers and hiss.
But, they will never understand.
My purpose is far more humble than they can ever know.
And in that loss I am blessed ...

Object of Derision

I have a strong interest in understanding what went wrong in my life between 2008 and 2012 inclusively, so I have someone whom excels in human communications I retain as a consultant.  We have discussed life, the universe and everything else; so today we discussed my DNA problem.

Oh he was good, very, very good.  But only to prove to himself that I really am as described.  Once he was satisfied that I was not an illusion or demented, we continued our discussion at looking at my history and my honest desire to know what happened.

Net result?  I am incapable of understanding because I lack the very basis by which I would be able to understand.  And, yeah, I have to agree - using his examples and my inability to answer the questions.  Kris has met his match ... personal history and how to change it or at least guarantee it will never happen again.  There is no resolution.

Sigh ...

Some of his side conversations were questions which I could not correlate to any point of reference.  Again, something Kris can not not understand but apparently has made me an object of comic derision amongst my friends and acquaintances.  I have to admit I had wondered about that one because I can see affect, it had to have a cause - but I never could have understood.

And so I end a very interesting week.  It began with my Pastor's quotation from the Talmud, passed through a personal trashing you would not believe and ended with Kris suddenly understanding life, the universe and everything ...

On the one hand I can see how the wall I hide behind has been more of a problem than a protective device.  What was supposed to protect me and make me likable, seems to have backfired.  Instead, no one can reach me, because I am not there ...

Conversely, is the me that exists today, whom only one person wants to know and not deride me for.  And I have no real problem with that but the new me is still forming, weekly I am learning more and growing in ways I do not understand at this time.  It all seems so complicated sometimes!  And yet, the only internal peace I have actually experienced.

I am not so sure that my communication helper is going to be meeting the new me ... I might not be able to take the assassination he would attempt to perform.

But we will continue our talks ... from a human communications aspect I want him to explain some parts of First John.  It might help me in my new life.

So, I contacted my friends, those whom used to know me the best, last night.  I wanted honestly, brutal truth and I was ready for it.  Or so I thought.

Apparently, had I of just disappeared last January, I would not have been very missed.

"I have an annoying rosy viewpoint that is not appreciated"
"I am schizoid"
"I need professional help"
"I am delusional" etc, ad nauseum

Yeah, not exactly endearing terms were used.  Dutchman, as usual, was not available for comment on anything other than the house he is buying.

Timothy offered that whatever I do with my future that I should be like the guy in, "A Beautiful Mind", have a keeper to help me distinguish reality from delusion.

Interestingly, he offered his observation that as far as he could figure out, something had changed tremendously inside of me two years ago and i ought to get rid of it because no one understands it.

Yeah, so across the spectrum of my past life ... the best I could do it seems, to compensate for the breakage inside of me, was to become a cosmic comic joke amongst those I trusted for so many decades. All of this I saw last week, as Saturdays post will show, it just had to be so damn prophetic ....

Fleeces, Faith and Hope

I have thought a great deal on the topic of hope this year.

I entered this year knowing I had no hope, life as far as I was aware was over for me and cursed with a bum leg would never be able to take that walk to Argentina to even escape myself much less this environment.  But, even dying on the road in Oregon is far better than the continued abuse I am taking (especially if I count in being completely ignored as even a human being!).

No hope, as I said ...

Except, for the hope that God fills me with - that I will be avenged, I will be justified, I will be used by Him, for His purposes.  And no, I do not understand the connection between His purpose and what all goes on around me.  It is one of those wait and see kind of things.  I do know my solution to all, but I have to be assured of His solution, if His perfection is to be attained.

Then my friend lost their hope.  Life had turned on them.  It was over.  And I understood all too well.  And I have thought months on this, the question of hope, faith and miracle quietly clicking away behind my regular stream of thought ...

I have to turn the clock back to 1974 and the birth of my first understanding of hope and faith.  I was reading in Judges 6 and 7, about Gideon and how he pared down his army from 32,000 to only 300 - to stand against the Midianites.  Of course, like any thinking man, he turned to God and set a "fleece" before the Lord to confirm that what God told him was true, real, and not a bad pizza the night before.  Judges 6:36 begins the tale of the fleece.

Gideon set two fleeces and both were miraculously answered.

And I thought on this.  I tried it, fleeces worked.  I shared this my College Study group and they were amazed someone had done this!  (I mean really, do people just read the Bible and not think, "Hmmm, I ought to try that ..." ?)

Dutchman and Swede were having a bitter fight over Sister Becka.  Each wanted her for themselves, and I only incurred both their wrath's because I told them she was not a piece of meat up for ownership!  Yeah even as a teen I was a feminist supporter, it was how I was raised in European schools and by my ancient great-uncle ...  So, one Sunday, Swede is driving from Tacoma, where I went to school, to church up in Kent.  He gets to telling me that he can hardly wait to get to church because he had laid a fleece that Becka was to be his unless Dutchman wore an orange shirt, green pants and a green dotted tie to Sunday  School!

I burst out laughing.

I had to explain to him that Dutchman did not own any clothing like that at all!  So, the fleece never could occur.  Swede commented that he believed in miracles and God could make it happen.  So, I had to ask him if he thought that God allows for free will or not?  Of course He does and that was what was wrong with this fleece, it made no allowance for Dutchman to be anything other than a robot before God, in order for Swede to have an answer to his fleece.

Swede slammed on the brakes and ordered me out of his car.  I was still about six miles from the church and would now miss Sunday School.  Swede stomped on the gas and was gone in a haze of blue smoke.

So, I am walking along the freeway to reach the next exit and a car immediately pulls up and stops behind me - it was one of the women in the college group!  She gave me a ride all the time howling at the story I told her.  We even passed the slow moving Swede!  And I learned an important lesson from her that morning:

Fleeces do not allow for faith in our walk before the Lord, they allow for superstition ...

Yeah, made more than just a little sense.  I could see how even I had become a little superstitious across the year and I had a girlfriend to prove it.  She made no sense in my life, but I asked God for ten - four leaf clovers to confirm that her advances on me were of Him, and I did find them, but I had no real peace.  Yeah, I kept the girlfriend just in case.  And like most women, they find out what a nerd I really am and poof!, they are gone.

Of course, Dutchman wore his usual brown tweed suit, as he ALWAYS did to church.  Swede jumped up and bolted from the room!  I never told anyone why other than the lady whom gave me a ride.

Yeah, occasionally I still use a fleece, small ones when I am struggling and I can not depend upon my mind to interpret what is going on around me.  More on that later.

So, just shy of forty years ago, I walked away from fleeces and trying to observe faith - that whole faith unto faith leading.  Where you start out with just the faith you have at conversion and God gives you a little more to meet the issue at hand and your faith grows.  God continues to feed your faith until one day, hopefully, you know that you will be able to move mountains!  Yeah, well that is sort of the goal I guess - the hope in what can not be seen or can be logically known.

Hope?  How hard to understand!  Faith, without no emotion, I could slightly get.  God promises a bunch of stuff.  I used fleeces as my crutch to know what was of Him or in the plans for me - until I hit the Becka fight and a verse about there being "a wicked and vile generation which seeks after signs".  Oh, the self condemnation over that one!

And I struggled with hope.  I had no hope, other than my only hope is in Jesus to cover my sin from God's eyes, I honestly today believe that hope is not even possible without emotion.  I could hope for a bunch of things but logically I knew that statistically they were impossibilities.

Then today, it dawned on me, faith and hope are interconnected!  I can Hope for say something unattainable and if it is in God's Will, it will come to pass and I have to be able to stay the course in Faith!  God's will, will be accomplished with or without my faith - it is His will not mine.  But, if I knew, if I had reason to suspect, then I would need hope and faith to make it to the goal - to His prize, whatever it might be.

So, this is just an introduction to the idea.  Tomorrow the entire idea of helping others to have hope ...

Smart Ass

Okay, I have always been the first to admit that I am a smart ass.  Usually this feature raises its ugly head at exactly the wrong moment and always before the wrong audience.

Take for instance when Gaelic Girl returned from her latest outing.  Uncharacteristically, she decided to tell me about going to an outlet mall because one of the women in the group wanted to buy some bamboo underwear ...

Me: Bamboo?

GG:  Yeah.

Me:  Real bamboo?

GG: Well it is not like it is made out of unprocessed wood.

Me:  Well, God help her if she goes to the zoo and the panda bears all escape ....

I was howling with laughter all alone over that one ...
I still think that was hilarious!

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I had to call Comcast for a device replacement activation.  And into automatic computer voice hell I descended, where the term "No" means to do what ever the machine darn well wants to do!

So, I am shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO!", into the phone and computer is doing whatever it wants and Gaelic Girl explodes because I am being abusive to a computer!

Really?
Abusive to a computer?
Abusive is when I broke a fist on an IBM 360 master console because the POC design engineer from IBM was not there for me to pummel!  And Hutterite, or not, he was going to die in that moment ...

Four hours later GG calls to ask if I am finished being abusive to the Comcast computer.
I told her that Comcast needed a real automation system and she needed to get a life.

I had a contract back in the 1980's with the US Navy creating a voice activated system which did work, so yeah it is possible and inexcusable that with advances in technology, a system this bad was created!

I am still smiling from the look on that pissed off face as well ...

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As you may know, if you are a regular reader, I have a shattered foot and an ankle broken in two places.  Problem is, it is the result of a degenerative bone disease caused by my klutziness and a problem with blood sugar levels.

Yeah, boring as spit.

So, I told the last person if they wanted the long story or the short story.  The selected short, so I told them about how I tripped on some stairs while rescuing a box full of kittens in a smoke filled house.  They got to laughing so hard that I have to think up another story.

I never could lie very well!

Of course if you have a better story please share!

Prayer Request

At my last employer, there was a guy, a real political suck up whom had advanced to senior vice president and was only months older than me.  One day he left his office, told his secretary he was going home and not feeling well.  This I could hear over the partition of my little "office" area.  Then the splat as he hit the floor.  He was dead before he even hit the floor according to the medics - massive brain aneurism.

I had a terrible call on Thursday from one of my oldest friends.  I was chatting with the husband on FaceBook, when the wife called me up on my phone and so I two conversations going.  I thought it funny at the time.  However, for as light as his train of thought was, hers was very troubling.  Then their son hops onto chat with me as well.  Which was odd, this never happens with any of them and me!

I was to learn that my first god-daughter, has developed a brain aneurism - which is leaking.  It is bad enough she lost her job due to the frequency of blacking out episodes.  And she is refusing any surgery.  So much prayer needed.

She was a very successful model - with all the pain and misery which goes with that.

She just turned 37 on Thursday.  So as part of her birthday wishes on FaceBook, I also sent her message with my current phone numbers in case she wanted to talk.  But, she still has not called.

She has always known what is right and what is wrong, she just chooses wrong every time.  And, I would like to see her pull her life back together before it is too late.  With this artery leaking, it is probably not going to be much longer until, like Alan, it ruptures and is all over.

And that will be a very sad day ...

:(

Bested

It is not often you will read about someone getting the better of me, man oh man, did Gaelic Girl utterly destroy me in our conversation!

I went to a professional because I wanted some independent input as to where I am, who GG is, the relationship that I believe needs to be terminated and all of the problems which have occurred since 2009.  He just stopped me about 20 minutes in and commented that there was no relationship given what I had told him.  I was being odd for even thinking something did exist.  But, I intrigued him with the complexity of the tale.

Well, I do agree with him.  There has not been anything for years.  Just inflicted pain and angry outbursts.

I write better than I can talk.  It takes me days to form a coherent sentence to express something meaningful to me.  And I told GG my opinion and thoughts.  But before I reached the part of how do you want to handle the liquidation?  I was reminded of something unpleasant.

She was a state champion in debate in her high school years.  I never was much into words, constructing arguments, etc.  All so much weasel words to me.  And she utterly destroyed me in under three sentences.  i was left with no reply because I never could have foreseen the tact she took to call me a liar outright.

I even have my posts from when she said what and I am still a liar - concocting this story stretching back years for some unknown reason.

I was left speechless and in an utter state of confusion.

So it seems my idea from the beginning of April will now become the major push - sell it all off piece by piece - I will have little room under my tree I move to in the woods.

Hard Answers

So last night was a night of prayer.  Prayer that God would let me know what I am supposed to do about Gaelic Girl and my situation.  As I have mentioned in the past, I have a problem letting go of friends, apparently to the point of absurdity.  As last night has shown, GG is completely beyond the pale of reality.

Back home she could have been quietly institutionalized and a proper diagnosis performed.  But, not in America, especially not in Washington State where the rights of the mentally ill are apparently greater than those they victimize.  And I have nothing left.

My ability to hold the course and keep her in the family has reached its end, at least as far as I am concerned.  Heavens I might be the one removed from the family if there is sides taking to be performed!  Sigh ...  No idea how all of this is going to play out today.

I had my friends praying last night with me for wisdom - because I need God's wisdom in this.  When I woke up this morning the only thing I really knew was that I had stayed here too long.  I should have left in 2012 or beginning of 2013 at the latest, so much pain and a major heart attack could have been avoided.  And Sugar Ray's song, Someday, would not be echoing through my mind still.

I hate failure. 
I hate losing friends. 
I hate what life has done to GG. 
But I can not hate what has happened inside of me.
To see in colors and to now understand life for the first time.  A blessing I could never share with GG because there was never any love between us.

So, I look ahead to a continued life alone, hey been there for the past five years!
Currently two friends left.
A small army of prayer warriors behind me.
An unknown future ahead.

And I know that God will continue to lead me, where He wants me, just as he has done for most of my life....

End of the Trail

I am if nothing, a gentleman, whom does try to be honorable.

I have struggled now for years to maintain something of a good relationship with Gaelic Girl.  Originally, I thought she was just going through the change of life, and perhaps she was.  But, she never came back from it.

Then, I kept making excuses for her violence, temper and ill regard towards me for over two  years now.

Last night was the end of a 37 year long trail.  She attacked my son's dog for getting into some chocolate she left out.  And he is a dog after all.  Apparently he was only startled and hid under son's bed for two hours.  But those blows were not called for nor just a simple slap on the rump - they could have easily have caused internal injuries ... I am surprised they did not, well we will know by morning probably.

Then it was then my turn. 

I went to an unapproved church on Sunday, I had lunch with a friend she does not approve of either.  I was told to never return to the church and to lose the last of my real friends ... and no, she does not want to be my friend either.

And so now, with the line drawn in the sand.  I will begin the packing up of what is important to me and find a storage location to put my important stuff in.

I had wanted to wait until GG had her surgery, so that she would be stable and able to work again in a few months.  But you know - I do not think I care anymore ... at least not as I write this anyways.

If I was a woman and she a man, the cops would be all over her right now.

In Passing, Paula

When I started attending this current church regularly, I instantly made a few solid acquaintances.  Guys were a little sparse because I have NO interest in sports and the men's mid-week study seems to only be attended by those whom were born without cojones.  Unfortunately, I was and I loath sitting around listening to men weeping about how unfair life is.  Really?  Then get your (*&*&^&%^^%#$) out of that chair and do something about it!  Gees, life is not that much of a mystery - if you have some cojones and bother to talk with God regularly .....

Well, that leaves the females of the church.  First off I killed off any attempts by single women to get to know me, because i do not want to know them and amongst the married women there three safe ones.  I have mentioned Elspeth before, she was a good friend, Vonnie was also (a long lost friend from my early NATO childhood! small world!) and last but not least Paula.

Paula, I met because I was surprised to find one of my clients at the church.  Well, here in the Pacific Northwest of America, with the lowest Christian church attendance outside Baghdad, plus we both work in Information Technology - not much chance of ever meeting up with one of my clients!  He was typical old school - quiet, hard to engage, always alone in a room full of friends.  Probably why I liked him - almost exactly like me.

Conversely, Paula was everything her husband was not - outspoken, gregarious, full of life!  But, also with a dark side.  Life had been cruel to the both of them, they married late in life and struggled to help each other with their personal demons.  Paula needed professional help and medication, and yet, even at that .....

Saturday morning, rumor has it, a single shotgun shot to the head and her struggles were over.

Her husband devastated.

"Friends", such as me, to stand with mouths open and unable to grasp what she has done.

Her pastors left more than a little uneasy ...  she never reached out in her final struggle.

Perhaps, as the week wears on, I will learn more as to why this happened.

In the meantime, I contemplate with pride the progress my friend is making.  In such a few short weeks from desiring death, to desiring life.  It has been a hard struggle for them and God always keeping me just in the nick of time with the words to say or the knowledge of what is needed.  Currently we are working on trust, hard to relearn once you have been betrayed in life.  Yet, without it, there can be no actual quality of life.  And, I know they are going to make it just fine .....

Mental Illness

My last company paid for me to attend two years worth of psychological classes.  They brought in the experts that write the college textbooks to train 52 of us in all forms of spotting and understanding a wide spectrum of mental health issues and anti-social behaviors.  With over 250,000 employees, statistically much havoc would be possible in that company! 

In fact my first day on assignment after this I had a project manager come across the table to take a whack at the system administrator for not doing what he wanted!  Too bad he was smaller than me and slower than me, I was sitting next to her.  I fired him on the spot and when his management raised an uproar and called security - i just showed them my get out of jail free card, I represent the President of the company and had nasty manager sent to corporate psychiatry for 6 weeks of classes - :)  he was much nicer when he came back and then retired quietly.  He did not want to work in a company where employees had rights.  Believe it or not!

The classes were a hoot for me because these geniuses could not figure out that I was solidly classified in the realm of abnormal psychiatry my entire life!  But, I did pass all of my classes and materials and then was used to attend - usually virtually - meetings and work sessions for about 104 projects I was responsible for, for the next 16 years.  Boring as watching spit running off of a wall.

So, why mention this?  Because mental illness is something I have been exposed to my entire life - my family is flipping insane, literally!  And no, not in a good way.  Grandma was the lone reason a lithium mine stayed in production!  With her death was the loss of income for about 25 miners...

And for the past five years I have watched, wondered and attempted to research exactly what is wrong with Gaelic Girl.  I went through the internet and researched every form of hormonal imbalance - nothing fit her symptoms.
My text books I re-devoured and she fit no classification for mental illness.
That only left demon possession / oppression ...

But, this area is poorly laid out in the Bible, because, well, it is not the point of a book pointing you to your relationship with God, to go in-depth on the vanquished foe of all Christians.  And what can be found in "Christian" books is basically Roman Catholic superstition being regurgitated as if it is true and trustworthy.  I had reached an end.

Of course, I became terminally ill in 2011, so it really did not matter.  Kris was to die, I would at long last be at peace and her insanity ... ?  Only appears around me.  Yeah, I figured out it was a personal attack.  It was not her, it was evil using her to compromise me.  But, I was dying, so what evil?, you will not overcome me.

Of course as we know I lived because I told God I would do as told and now three years later, the attacks are worse than ever when she is around me.  I heard her come into the bedroom the other night and stumbled on my leg brace.  Yeah, I already knew she would sneak in and I do fear for my life - honest FEAR something I have never had.  The only thing beyond that brace was the house's only loaded gun and me.  I have no wish to die at her hands, I do have something to desire to live for.  And that adrenaline rush lasted most of the day!

Conversely, I have often wondered at what if the last several years of my life were my genes coming into play.  Well no way I could know, but I seem to be found rational by most and the kids like the new me.  So, I am going to go with Kris is sane and GG is still a flipping lunatic!

She has been in therapy now for two years and she only seems to be getting worse.  But, if it only raises it ugly head around me, then I have to assume that her therapist thinks she is sane and I am the problem.  Not much of a guess since her therapist sent me an email with the names of some counselors in my area.  But only one of them is male (not to disparage females, but honestly the one female I do trust is enough!  When that trust runs, that will be the end of the Kris willing to be anything other than cordial ever after! - (Well except you Kelly, I still owe you a tremendous debt...).

Will I call that lone guy on that councilor list?  Probably not.  I have the IRS to still finish paying for 2012.  I have some short term debt to get rid of before I can drop my name from the house title.  And I truly long for my freedom to just live and die under a tree in the deep woods if other options do not work out.

Hmmmmm, maybe I do have a problem after all ...

Pain, Anger & Walls

Last week and into this week, has been a mighty hard transition.  Kris is ______, just fill in the blank but be sure that whatever word(s) you use are negative.  Nothing positive allowed unless it is going to be backhanded, you are the only one empowered to inflict pain because in spite of words, I know your struggle and your pain.

I continue to struggle in almost all areas of life.

Physically, I have a broken leg in two places and no longer have a foot.  I have a glob of flesh with powdered bone and five toes sticking out of it.  And the doctor is delighted!  I have reached the peak of the disease/syndrome and still have a little sliver of an arch left.  So that means he has something to work with in rebuilding the foot.  No, it will never be what it used to be, but he thinks it will still be functional by the end of the year through the usage of orthopedic inserts.  And unlike 91% of those whom get this curse, I appear to be able to keep the leg!  All I have to do is be good - no weight on foot, no carbohydrates or as little as possible.

And so the family and I had a meeting about their expectations of me when I only have one leg.  I can not stand for hours on one leg doing dishes, I unfortunately can not do the cooking as I proved Friday night and broke so much stuff it sickens me! I can not bag, nor haul the trash out of the house.  And in the same vein I can not do the laundry nor clean the house.  All of what I have done for years and was unheralded for.

And anger has been the general response from the family, now that they can not play computer games because there is housework to be done while Mr. Broken just sits there.  Sort of the exact opposite of the past five years.  Only I do not want to sit, I want to be up and about and instead am stuck on my bum from not being able to do literally anything!  If nothing else I would be sorting for my departure from this nightmare.

Emotionally, I have no end of people willing to tell me what is wrong with me and how undesirable I am in their life and to their life.  I have no one I can really dump on, so I did on Swedish Rocket Scientist as we drove to see Captain America on Saturday night.  It was actually a sort of test for him.  I needed someone I could talk to but also I needed to know if I could place any trust in him what so ever any longer.  He failed miserably.  I asked Gaelic Girl out to lunch after church and she jumped on me for the rest of the day. Yeah, SRS had filled her in on our conversation, apparently even before the Saturday meal was over - because she initially attacked as soon as dinner was over and continued throughout Sunday.  He must be one fast texter!  So, things I can not tell her, because I do fear for my own safety, based upon her past performances - I apparently can get away with, as long as SRS is blabbing all to her!  Good to know. Strike two almost lifelong friends into the waste can of what I do not need in my life any longer.

And I was forced to bring up my own walls at one point, just to protect what little of me is left.  As I said, it was a hard weekend and the above betrayal and attacks were not even the half of what went on in my life!  But, that information I will skip, because God grants me grace and peace to handle the rest.  It is the attacks from those whom fall under the definition of old Kris whom I am having a problem maintaining any safety with or from.  And it is so odd to know that some friends, some children, are under my new nature, while all others from the past are not.  Some I can Love and see colors with, but the vast majority are still in black and white and even trust is questionable to extend to them.

And just as equally, I managed to piss off the only important person in my life.  Some days I swear: If Kris Open Mouth, Then Beat Him Senseless. And yet, even at that God keeps replenishing me so I have to keep coming back - it is like there is some kind of homing device in me that requires me to be there, to absorb all which has been dished out - if I could I would take all of their pain and sorrow, transferred physically on to me, if it could lead to their healing.  Yeah hard to explain, so must be filed under "God Thing".

And I realize that much of the problem is that I only have one mechanism for working with friends: love, honesty, transparency and truth.  Without those four criteria, there is no relationship in my book.  But even with my old friends I am suddenly finding that they are changing to the point where those attributes are no longer important to them inside of a relationhip.  Ego, vanity, greed, self interest has taken over all that is important to me, and replaced inside of them.

Apparently, Kris is just an antique, to be relegated to the dust bin of oddities in life.  Soon to appear in a Ripley's believe it or not museum - a display called "An Honest Man" ... the greatest oddity of 21st century in human culture.  And people will come and stare and wonder what on earth was wrong with him.  A relic from another age when honor and integrity were the very basis of a man ..

Tears In The Rain

Not a good day for me.  What I had planned to post yesterday, never worked out ... so tap dance time!

Life swirls around me, all out of my control and not much that is within my realm of being able to do anything about.  I can not make choices for others but if I could ..... my, how life would suddenly become oh so different!

The first time I ever cried in a movie was in Blade Runner.  I was up in Canada on my first trip there as an adult, so perhaps 1983.  I was hot, tired of shopping and my feet hurt, so I just kicked back and watched a movie on the hotel's system.  Never had heard of Blade Runner but it did have Harrison Ford so perhaps it would be an okay film.

I did fine through the entire film, except for the one scene where the enhanced android finally dies.  Rutger Hauer is sitting there in the rain, he knows his clock is running out and he will die (it is in the script after all!!)  and he uttered a brief paragraph of his life and all he has seen and done.  Something straight out of almost all pagan cultures, the chant/song/tale of the dead/death.  Then he adds that these memories will fade much as "tears in the rain".

OMG! That one line hit something in me.  Some aspect of Kris' non-existent humanity was touched with the truth of that statement.  All of our lives, all of our memories, good, bad, indifferent - will all just fade away in the tale of the flood of humanity aka rain.  Yeah, I am still tearing up at the memory of that moment.  But, then it has been a hard week emotionally.

Of course, all of our deeds and motivations will be known and judged at the end of time when we face our creator!

And so I will leave you here.  Perhaps another day I will have something interesting to say, but I fear that it would not be today.

Life or Death

You know, when you wake up in the morning you pretty much have no idea where life is going to take you, what opportunities God will provide, or what path through the day you will travel.  But, if you are willing and able, you could be led almost anywhere - even where you least expect to be found ...

Last week was simply awful.

I had a friend hurting and there seemed to be nothing I could do right in reaching out to them - throughout the whole of the week!  It ended with my being unfriended on Thursday.  I was devastated and posted my open position on Friday for a new best friend.  Perhaps it was a bit tongue in cheek, I was hurting and in a cruel joke on me - it was humorous to think anyone could ever consider being my friend.  This was the last active friend in my life.  It was only with the greatest of prayer I agreed to meet with my recently lost best friend on Saturday morning.  I had prayed bunches before hand, I thought I knew what to say, but Saturday was not much better than Thursday had been ...

Well, it did not go as planned and I ended up driving home in tears for my friend.  I could not understand, everything was upside down and backwards.  Nothing got through.  I had  no clue what they were going to do, what God was going to do with them, I was without a clue - this was so far from what I am familiar with.  And friendless, I went home in a state of shock.

Many hours later I got a call from them and they were hysterical.  I had received such a call like that once, in 1975, from two of my high schoolers.  Confused, at the end of themselves, unable to even articulate a complete sentence.  I thought they were drunk, it was graduation night and 2:00 AM.  Their bodies were found the next morning.  And I was utterly devastated and completely clueless.  But, that phone call has remained in my active memory through all of these years.

And here again, the exact same words, the exact same confusion, the exact same desperation being confessed.  Getting an address, after numerous tries, I flew to my old friend!  No, not because I had anything to offer or gain, they had already rejected everything me - but because they were a part of my life and even if not still a friend, their life is far too important to be trifled with!

No, I was not their first choice to call.
No, I was not even their second choice.
They ran out of anyone they could think of they needed to call.
No, I am not the perfect one for such a task.
Just the only one to rush to their side.

And I prayed the entire way there that God could kill all traces of the old me and let only the new creation communicate whatever was needed.  I know the old me to be too cold, when friendship, honesty and sincerity were going to be needed.  No memory of the recent past could exist between us.

It took many hours to stabilize my friend emotionally, then mentally and finally spiritually.  From desiring death to showing them there is hope, there is a reason to live, their life was not over - only Satan's hold over them was and the need to always remain so.

No, no more details than that are needed.  Enough to just share that God used me in a big way on Saturday and helping to rebuild my friend ever since - step by tiny step.  They are doing well, full of questions, full of fears, full of tears, but handling each day and letting me know instantly a prayer concern or question.  God is so awesome when you can see Him in action!  I am humbled.

And so, you would think Kris would now be a hero - at least amongst those whom knew what was going on, on Saturday.  Nope.  My children whom I had praying through this, were interestingly disinterested to learn all was well.  Really?  The people of my church's prayer chain just asked if intervention had been successful and commented that, that one could now be scratched off the list.  Really? Gaelic Girl was in full war regalia from Saturday through today.  And I got dumped on Wednesday night by her.  On the one hand I am evil and on the other, oh yeah, I am still evil and  how come God keeps using me without permission.  Really?  And of course, I had to hear from GG's therapist, whom wondered at how I could seem to "know" how to help people and yet be so completely clueless concerning GG.  Really?

Is human life, any human life, so without value that there can not be a celebration of joy when one is rescued?  Really?
Is there some inane characteristic within the Christian body that must correlate unrelated events to prove you evil, or themselves not evil?  Really?
Is there some misunderstanding that when a person its bottom that there is a long term critical need for prayer?  Really?

For my friend: prayer in all aspects of life as they are slowly returned back to where they need to be, an involved church found (and in Seattle?  But it has to exist!), a good Bible Study found, prayer warriors are needed to run interference for them as they grow in strength and faith.  Think back to your own struggles as a new Christian - and just imagine that your birth was at the point literally of death - that is how much prayer is needed by you for them!  And, Satan is not done with the attack, I have no doubts that even now he is formulating how to call them back over to his side ... it will be tempting, it must appear to be what is desired, it must appear to be an answer from God, but it will be a lie and will predate whom they are today.  Yeah, lots of prayer because the fight is not over.

Thank you.

Perhaps we truly are living in the very last days when the hearts of the many, have turned cold and love - even compassion -  is no longer a commodity shared between humans ...

2014 Alien Festival

If you have been around for over a year, then you might remember my post from last April 1st about the spontaneous celebration which occurred in my little town to remember the 1947 Maury Island Incident, when a UFO - the first post war sighting of a UFO - occurred.  Last year was a hoot - so I had to go this year too, even in my broken condition!

Everyone had so much fun last year, that they decided to do another celebration.  This time there would be UFO building contests, best Man In Black, Woman In Black, Alien, etc.  Attendance was only half of last year but it was a much better celebration!  However, I was not able to get lots of photos, nor chase down interesting aliens, as I am confined to a scooter until my leg heals from all of the breakage I wrought upon myself.  :(

First two entries, one rough but with lasers which reflected off of the smoke well as it got darker.  Little one was radio controlled.

An hour later a hovercraft! based UFO showed up, the clear winner in my book!

This year's flash mob was by junior and senior high girls, well until a gang of liquored up Men In Black jumped in and quickly learned that you can not mimic when everyone turns around and now you are in the front.

Sorry no alien photos as they all hung out up around the rock band which was blaring away.  It was a hoot to watch the hovercraft come in to lyrics of, Eli's Coming!  But, it was a real one and it even had to execute a 90 degree turn to get around the truck that brought in the speakers and lights for the band.  When it had to made a turn, the driver got a huge cheer from the crowd!  I think like me everyone thought we would have to push it sideways, well until he figured his baffles to move left without hitting the rock band nor the truck.  It was powered by the darn biggest battery I have ever seen, and it was completely and utterly quiet.  I bet that six cell battery was into the 200 pounds or more range!

So, it was a mighty fun evening for me kneeling on my scooter trying to stay out of everyone's way.  A waitress from one of the bars was bringing me stuff since i could not exactly go anywhere.  Which I thought was darn thoughtful, I was the only non ambulatory person there, so it helped refresh a belief in the goodness of at least one in a crowd of about 500.  Most of the others excelled at stepping right in front of my camera as I pushed the shutter - I had a massive collection of backs, butts and sides of heads.  Amazing.

And there was a Bernese Mountain Dog, whom visited as well.  My favorite dog and not just because they came from the Canton of my heritage, nor that they are real dog sized, but because of the memories I have of being pulled around my village by one as a child in a dog cart.  Such happy, slobbery, warm fuzzy memories. Of course, they were work dogs and would be used to haul the milk cans from the milking barn to the road for pick up by the cheese factory - a mighty heavy task.

Jealousy

Sunday morning, it happened again, now twice in my life I was brought up during a communion message ...

An ex-old friend was giving the message and he selected an occurrence from over 30 years ago, from when he was building a house.

We were at the point where it was time to shingle the roof.  Unfortunately, the roof was very steep pitched and he was hot to get started.  When he called telling he was ready to start, I told him to wait until morning and I would be over with my mountain climbing gear to rig the roof.  But he is a little hard headed.

So, alone, he went up on the roof, no ropes, no knowledge and just as suddenly - he flew 27 feet straight down on to his concrete driveway below.  His wife told me she was sewing when she heard this squishy splat outside and she realized that her husband was not moving around the house!  She looked out one of the windows, saw him face down, grabbed her camera and ran outside.  Shooting several photos, she then checked for breathing and called me.

I drove over loaded him in my 1972 Pinto station-wagon and headed for the local ER.  Would you believe that with a fall of what was three times higher than what has killed many of my other friends, he only broke a half inch bone in his wrist!!!!!

So next morning, I have the roof rigged and his wife is madder than hades up there with me - because he cast arm will not allow him to do any roofing and it would be up to the two of us to do one HUGE roof!

So, I am looping the rope around her waist, reaching between her legs to bring the other strap through and he comes up the ladder with a load of shingles and completely loses it!  I looked at him and said, "Really?  You have really got a problem if you are jealous of me!"

Which then led to the subject of God being jealous of His Church for the communion meditation.

But, the church had a great laugh as they have gotten accustomed to my clueless antics pretty well across the past five years ...

After church all of these little old ladies lined up in front me all demanding their fair share of hugs!  In retrospect it was quite funny, but at the moment I was a little irritated because given the nature of gossip - i do not need more started about what I am not.
:)

Best Friend - Position Available

Not exactly the post I had in mind for today, events sort of overshadowed what I had planned on Wednesday!

I do not lose friends well, especially very close special friends.  Especially a best friend, where the level of trust required is so high and so fragile.  I have only lost two friends ever.  One because of gossip done by well meaning people in the Church, was taken wrong by them (and really pissed me off!).  The other I still mourn, their self image got in the way of friendship and desire no longer allowed for a Kris in their life.

The last friend I lost was in September, they would not articulate what was going on between us until January.  And I took that rebuke to heart and fought very hard to recreate Kris.  Too bad it was not until two weeks ago that I learned they had not had my best interest at heart at all, they just wanted me dead in their life!  And for two weeks I have struggled to understand and find some way of helping them during a time of crisis, to be there for them as they never had been for me.  I tried everything, even tough love, to no avail.  And I could not figure this out, everything I said was turned into an attack, everything was used against me, I became the object of derision just for existing.  It was not logical, it was not rational, it was ... I had to wonder if spiritual, and yes, I think it is the only explanation left.

Well, I should say that I certainly did get to see them with all of their layers of walls down and the truth on their lips.  And it was at least nice to have truth at least once expressed by them.  I wonder if they will be able to live with what they said, because it was a horrible condemnation upon themselves.  They thought to strike out at me and unfortunately showed the poison of their own soul.  For all their claims across their lifetime, one sentence silenced it all and I suddenly understood what I had been seeing for months but never could connect the dots of.

Of course, that is what God is good at, neutralizing the poisons in our lives.  If we are willing to actually call upon him in earnest and not pretend.  And that offer is still extended towards each of us, until the day we die.  And then there is the problem they face of reconciling with me, that would take quite a change I fear at this juncture.

So now, Kris is down to a damaged relationship with Swede, probably no way to actually heal that one short of my death; Dutchman is still a solid friend but has no time anymore for family much less friends; my now departed best friend, well I am not willing to write them off quite yet; and let us not forget Gaelic Girl, whom left my life in 2009 and only pops up to shoot at me occasionally.  Pretty good lifetime achievement there, no friends left, I am sure they all would quip at how I earned it at my grave side.

Well, be that as it may, I continue to hold my course to leave - selling off all I have, zeroing out my debts, and then?  No idea, God hasn't bothered to tell me.  Just one step at a time.  I am glad I have had a lifetime of nothing on the inside of me, since only a shell still sits here, now devoid of even the warmth of knowing there was at least one person in this world whom actually cared or wanted to know me - half a year ago.

I was very lost in September because nothing was explained, they were just gone.  Sure high level non personal chats were welcome but actual conversations never reoccurred.  They never got to see what their January attack had done to me.  To bad, as I told them, they might have liked the changes.  Certainly, I am the most human I have ever been ...  And today, I can not mourn what they killed half a year ago, nor for the new Kris they never bothered to know.  No I have mourned for two weeks for them, for what they willingly put themselves through, for no reason what-so-ever.  Now they mourn alone,  and I still weep for them for they have cut off their one admitted last friend.

So, perhaps when i am past my surgery this fall I will be mobile enough to find a new best friend, but until then the position is open, my old best could think on coming back anytime and make an application.  But it will never again be on their terms ...

Wednesday

One of those argh! moments, what to blog today?

I know what I want to post but honestly it might hurt someone whose feelings I care about and have no desire to do that!  Then it might not, but there is no way of telling any longer, so I must err on the side of caution.

Wednesday was one heck of a day though, I think it might have been the worse of my life and mind you that really says something!  By the afternoon I was done in, nothing left, full deflation and the full expectation that not only had I lost a friend but also possibly to suicide as well.  And nothing to be done ... it was like some horrible 1950's horror movie being played out around me.  ACK!  I hate Washington State and their &*(^#@ laws!  And, I really do hope to hear they are alive as soon as possible this morning!

Charcot Joint vs Normal

Today also marks the one week point of wearing this stinking leg and foot brace!  It is so painful not to wear!  It is so painful to wear!  And, two more weeks before the first reset!  How am I to make it to week 26 in this thing?  Yeah, I realize that it is all that stands between me and losing my leg but still, must it be so painful?  I am going to ice it and see if that helps.  Probably get frostbite with my luck.  Unfortunately, the right ankle broke in a second place tonight and the foot is fully now in 8 sections held together only by muscle, skin and the plantar.  The pain was almost unbearable when it happened!  So Lord only know what it would have felt like if the nerve damage was not so extensive.  Gees!  Yeah, the pain was so intense I had curled my toes on my left foot as I photo'ed the poor little guys.

Thirty-nine years ago my father married one of the sweetest women in his long line of wives.  They were married just long enough for me to know that she was a keeper and as father went on continuing his efforts to marry every woman in Colorado State between 18 and 99, I kept her.  She and I are still very close and I try to call her at least every couple of weeks.  Wednesday night I called and this unfamiliar voice answered.  I was a bit confused and she gave her married name, as she does try to protect her identity.  It was my cousin whom is a current TV star and long time Hollywood actress.  I was thrilled - in thirty-nine years she has never been in a conversation with me.  So, kind of cool.  Not because she is famous, but because she is a cousin I have never met, just heard a ton about through most of my life.  I know her sister like my own sister, so it is cool to have one more on my active family list maybe.

Well, I started this five hours ago, so it is time for sleep ...

The Bible On Friendship

Proverbs 18:24
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.

Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

John 15:12-15
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 12:26
A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

James 4:4
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

Job 16:20-21
My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.

Nervous

I have only once been a cast, it really did not go well.  It was for my right arm and 18 months later I was given my arm back so that I could then have elbow surgery, then go back into a cast for 6 more weeks and then they returned this grey alien arm to me!  Prior to that I have been a mountain climber, I climbed mountains or in caves almost every other weekend at the least!  And not with a grey skinny alien arm ...

Professionally that was what moved me from writing large computer operating systems to project management.  Yeah, take an introverted techie geek and give him 39 employees to manage.  Really?!?!?  I still owe a few of them some apologies.


Friday at 11:45 i will be fitted for the first of an expected 27 casts in a series to realign my ankle joint and merge the fragments of my right foot back together.  I am not looking forward to this.  The lady at church whom does this for a living told me to expect the most excruciating year of my life.  Really?  I really need this!

So, every two weeks a new cast to further compress the parts and realign slightly all of the pieces back together.  Of course, having a foot I can walk on again will be nice at the nearest future date PLEASE GOD!