Lessons Observed

Apparently I never am to understand what happened from her perspective. It is obvious she has terminated our relationship, I am down a daughter, and yet God is still telling me to stand on what I know. Don't you just love opposites, when you are the one caught in the middle?

Outside of this blog, where I voice my thoughts, I am pretty quiet on this whole matter. I do not wish to embarrass her nor get either of us into a: he said - she said situation. She is still very much my daughter in my heart and thus it seems it shall remain.

However, my friends - what are left of them, do know the problem and that is about it. I am pretty sure the only one praying for Kris and a resolution to this situation has been me. I might be the only one that cares, but then that was true eight months ago was well.

My minor heart attack was probably predictable. No one to talk to, too much stress, and prayer my only outlet. Then yesterday, when I was at school, I was called into administration and sent to see the counselor. Yeah, Kris is apparently that obviously in need. So I trooped in, met a nice lady and now what? I could "play" this as I do all things, calculating what my responses are to be and appear normal - or - I can be honest and communicate that I am beyond my ability to deal with this emotion.

It seemed like ten minutes, it was over two hours. Lord how I pity that woman, she sure got an ear full. And her advice? The typical soothing words of the world - I know them all, I was trained in counseling as a part of how to make dysfunctional projects learn how to work together. But, at least she was the first human being in three weeks I could actually talk to about this heartbreak in my life.

As I walked out, having now missed my second class of the day, a single word came to mind, "unhealthy". It was the same word I had penned months ago concerning our relationship - it was unhealthy. But, lacking the experience in dealing with an emotional female, I had no idea how to respond. So, I did what I thought it was she needed, that did not approach any level of sin. If I was not sinning and she was getting whatever it was emotionally she needed for healing, then I had to be on the right track, right? Apparently not. Or perhaps I was right on track and that is what got to her. So, what was unhealthy? An environment where only one person would talk with her, interact with her, love her. I think most human beings would not fair well. This is only a guess, but from her perspective, she found she was in love with a guy old enough to be her grandfather. And, that was fine as far as I was concerned, nothing was ever going to happen. And yet, somewhere between the two situations, she shut down.

Back home, it seemed word had gotten around about my hospital stay over. I had many calls from members of the wedding party back in Ohio. People I barely know called and wished me well. People I expect to never see again. Contrast this with my "friends", oh yeah, the ones whom cut out of my life because I dared to reach out and obey God, as well as, my family and church family - whom express concern but there is no love. Stark contrast. Then Timothy's step father called, whom I have seen maybe three times in my life and barely ever spoken to - to pray with me, over the phone, for healing and a restoration to "health". Yeah that concept again.

I dreamt on Galatians last night in bed. I had been reading it when I passed out from the meds. I do not think I made it past chapter one but it kept rolling over and over in my mind until I saw, what I think happened in her mind. No I am not going to address this with her, I foresaw this on the 24th and posted on it on the 25th (least dear daughter you also think me liar, again), that is why she is staying away. It is enough for me to now know and understand - and God is the one whom will have to address this one with her. It will be a hard road for her to follow to reach where she could be by picking up the phone. But self perspective is hard to fight and one can really foul up ones path by it - cause you can make choices which will make it darn hard to make the right choice later on. But then, we have discussed that one before.

As for me? I think I can step forward now to some level of normality again. Yes, all of my protective walls are back up - I dropped them only for her, I thought I was now free to live without them - but if she is not going to be around, then why let others see whom I really am? I apparently am to continue to work towards the vision she and I shared, though alone for now. Will I continue with youth work? I have set a condition before God if He wants me to continue, no it does not involve my daughter. And I am more certain than ever I will never, ever, reach out to another human being again - as I did with her..... And once again, the happy clown Kris is back, making people laugh and very, very, dead on the inside.