Best Friend - Position Available

Not exactly the post I had in mind for today, events sort of overshadowed what I had planned on Wednesday!

I do not lose friends well, especially very close special friends.  Especially a best friend, where the level of trust required is so high and so fragile.  I have only lost two friends ever.  One because of gossip done by well meaning people in the Church, was taken wrong by them (and really pissed me off!).  The other I still mourn, their self image got in the way of friendship and desire no longer allowed for a Kris in their life.

The last friend I lost was in September, they would not articulate what was going on between us until January.  And I took that rebuke to heart and fought very hard to recreate Kris.  Too bad it was not until two weeks ago that I learned they had not had my best interest at heart at all, they just wanted me dead in their life!  And for two weeks I have struggled to understand and find some way of helping them during a time of crisis, to be there for them as they never had been for me.  I tried everything, even tough love, to no avail.  And I could not figure this out, everything I said was turned into an attack, everything was used against me, I became the object of derision just for existing.  It was not logical, it was not rational, it was ... I had to wonder if spiritual, and yes, I think it is the only explanation left.

Well, I should say that I certainly did get to see them with all of their layers of walls down and the truth on their lips.  And it was at least nice to have truth at least once expressed by them.  I wonder if they will be able to live with what they said, because it was a horrible condemnation upon themselves.  They thought to strike out at me and unfortunately showed the poison of their own soul.  For all their claims across their lifetime, one sentence silenced it all and I suddenly understood what I had been seeing for months but never could connect the dots of.

Of course, that is what God is good at, neutralizing the poisons in our lives.  If we are willing to actually call upon him in earnest and not pretend.  And that offer is still extended towards each of us, until the day we die.  And then there is the problem they face of reconciling with me, that would take quite a change I fear at this juncture.

So now, Kris is down to a damaged relationship with Swede, probably no way to actually heal that one short of my death; Dutchman is still a solid friend but has no time anymore for family much less friends; my now departed best friend, well I am not willing to write them off quite yet; and let us not forget Gaelic Girl, whom left my life in 2009 and only pops up to shoot at me occasionally.  Pretty good lifetime achievement there, no friends left, I am sure they all would quip at how I earned it at my grave side.

Well, be that as it may, I continue to hold my course to leave - selling off all I have, zeroing out my debts, and then?  No idea, God hasn't bothered to tell me.  Just one step at a time.  I am glad I have had a lifetime of nothing on the inside of me, since only a shell still sits here, now devoid of even the warmth of knowing there was at least one person in this world whom actually cared or wanted to know me - half a year ago.

I was very lost in September because nothing was explained, they were just gone.  Sure high level non personal chats were welcome but actual conversations never reoccurred.  They never got to see what their January attack had done to me.  To bad, as I told them, they might have liked the changes.  Certainly, I am the most human I have ever been ...  And today, I can not mourn what they killed half a year ago, nor for the new Kris they never bothered to know.  No I have mourned for two weeks for them, for what they willingly put themselves through, for no reason what-so-ever.  Now they mourn alone,  and I still weep for them for they have cut off their one admitted last friend.

So, perhaps when i am past my surgery this fall I will be mobile enough to find a new best friend, but until then the position is open, my old best could think on coming back anytime and make an application.  But it will never again be on their terms ...