Pain, Anger & Walls

Last week and into this week, has been a mighty hard transition.  Kris is ______, just fill in the blank but be sure that whatever word(s) you use are negative.  Nothing positive allowed unless it is going to be backhanded, you are the only one empowered to inflict pain because in spite of words, I know your struggle and your pain.

I continue to struggle in almost all areas of life.

Physically, I have a broken leg in two places and no longer have a foot.  I have a glob of flesh with powdered bone and five toes sticking out of it.  And the doctor is delighted!  I have reached the peak of the disease/syndrome and still have a little sliver of an arch left.  So that means he has something to work with in rebuilding the foot.  No, it will never be what it used to be, but he thinks it will still be functional by the end of the year through the usage of orthopedic inserts.  And unlike 91% of those whom get this curse, I appear to be able to keep the leg!  All I have to do is be good - no weight on foot, no carbohydrates or as little as possible.

And so the family and I had a meeting about their expectations of me when I only have one leg.  I can not stand for hours on one leg doing dishes, I unfortunately can not do the cooking as I proved Friday night and broke so much stuff it sickens me! I can not bag, nor haul the trash out of the house.  And in the same vein I can not do the laundry nor clean the house.  All of what I have done for years and was unheralded for.

And anger has been the general response from the family, now that they can not play computer games because there is housework to be done while Mr. Broken just sits there.  Sort of the exact opposite of the past five years.  Only I do not want to sit, I want to be up and about and instead am stuck on my bum from not being able to do literally anything!  If nothing else I would be sorting for my departure from this nightmare.

Emotionally, I have no end of people willing to tell me what is wrong with me and how undesirable I am in their life and to their life.  I have no one I can really dump on, so I did on Swedish Rocket Scientist as we drove to see Captain America on Saturday night.  It was actually a sort of test for him.  I needed someone I could talk to but also I needed to know if I could place any trust in him what so ever any longer.  He failed miserably.  I asked Gaelic Girl out to lunch after church and she jumped on me for the rest of the day. Yeah, SRS had filled her in on our conversation, apparently even before the Saturday meal was over - because she initially attacked as soon as dinner was over and continued throughout Sunday.  He must be one fast texter!  So, things I can not tell her, because I do fear for my own safety, based upon her past performances - I apparently can get away with, as long as SRS is blabbing all to her!  Good to know. Strike two almost lifelong friends into the waste can of what I do not need in my life any longer.

And I was forced to bring up my own walls at one point, just to protect what little of me is left.  As I said, it was a hard weekend and the above betrayal and attacks were not even the half of what went on in my life!  But, that information I will skip, because God grants me grace and peace to handle the rest.  It is the attacks from those whom fall under the definition of old Kris whom I am having a problem maintaining any safety with or from.  And it is so odd to know that some friends, some children, are under my new nature, while all others from the past are not.  Some I can Love and see colors with, but the vast majority are still in black and white and even trust is questionable to extend to them.

And just as equally, I managed to piss off the only important person in my life.  Some days I swear: If Kris Open Mouth, Then Beat Him Senseless. And yet, even at that God keeps replenishing me so I have to keep coming back - it is like there is some kind of homing device in me that requires me to be there, to absorb all which has been dished out - if I could I would take all of their pain and sorrow, transferred physically on to me, if it could lead to their healing.  Yeah hard to explain, so must be filed under "God Thing".

And I realize that much of the problem is that I only have one mechanism for working with friends: love, honesty, transparency and truth.  Without those four criteria, there is no relationship in my book.  But even with my old friends I am suddenly finding that they are changing to the point where those attributes are no longer important to them inside of a relationhip.  Ego, vanity, greed, self interest has taken over all that is important to me, and replaced inside of them.

Apparently, Kris is just an antique, to be relegated to the dust bin of oddities in life.  Soon to appear in a Ripley's believe it or not museum - a display called "An Honest Man" ... the greatest oddity of 21st century in human culture.  And people will come and stare and wonder what on earth was wrong with him.  A relic from another age when honor and integrity were the very basis of a man ..