Struggling On

So, third set of coins ready to go off this afternoon to the local shop.  Took most of the evening as I grieved over the loss but such as it is....  I am amazed at how hard this is.  I know that if one of my children needed surgery, I would sell them with joy - but to sell them for a future day that someone might seek professional help.....sigh, that one is oh so much harder.  But, then again, maybe there is another purpose behind this?

I generally do a bbq on the Fourth of July.  Not even sure all of the kids will show up.  But, I invited a guy from the church whom has been a good friend.  His wife is taking their older children to a party and he was stuck at home with the two infants.  So why not do brats at Kris'?!?  The local fireworks are over the lake and my roof is the perfect observation point!

So, tomorrow should be fun!  If only I was not completely stressed out by life.  Yeah my blood pressure is off the charts again due to the stress.  I am at my end, why bother any longer?  The more I attempt to stand in place, the worse everything becomes.  Indeed, why bother?  And that haunting thought extends to every situation and every relationship in my life.  I am having nose bleeds that last 4 to 5 hours, severe chest pains (right side, so just inconvenient), and all I crave is cookies.

I function as a robot, do as expected (by me), ignore everyone's thoughts or anger expressed towards me.  They hated me before, they hate me now, they will hate me tomorrow.  They would all argue that they do not hate me, they just do not like me right now.  But since no one seems to want to be around me, talk with me, etc.  That is hate, it is not love that says I will live my life, blow off all others, unless it is convenient to me, I am the master of my own destiny after all, right?  Hardy, but no one listens.  Even when confronted with the truth, they only wish to worship error,  indeed, why bother anymore.

Yeah, Kris needs a vacation from humanity.

But, for one whom should care: I will be where I need to be - when I need to be.  If you are not there, I do not even care any longer.  God will raise up whom He will.  If someone else is there, fine.  I know my role, no matter what is thought of me......  I am not going to continue dysfunctional relationships.  Sorry.