God was gracious to provide clouds to block the scorching sun and a moderate breeze to make the event comfortable. There about 120 in attendance.
One of the few weddings I have been to where NO one got in a fight, lost their cool or became dictatorial! It was simply a very pleasant event. Of course, being Timothy's ex-best friend put me in the spot where I got the third degree, singlily, from her entire family! Yeah, everyone wanted the scoop on his divorce five years ago and on what kind of man he is. Like I am going to waste a week of my life, to attend the wedding of someone I really do not like? I thought it an odd situation and rather humorous.
Contrary to my nature, I even cried while the pastor was praying over their marriage. (and again even as I type this! %$@%^$ emotion!) I am so happy for him though. Yet it is bittersweet for me.
The hotel all of us were staying in had NO internet! I had wanted to keep up with my school work and work on my blogs as well with any free time. Oh well, all of the computer nerds watched the scify channel and discussed it over breakfast each morning.
It is good to be back home, though I continue to get almost no sleep - true since June 24th!, when God stunned me with what is to happen, contrary to what was to. So, I continue to pray, though it is in vain I fear. So much of what has happened these past few weeks has been a re-enactment of events of a different kind, a lifetime ago. I struggle to ignore the obvious correlation, I fight in prayer against this. And I am confused. God tells me to stand in place to continue to work towards a future I no longer think possible. But, what if ..... I must still play my part? Now that really would impress even me, to have that much faith in an event so many years from now, alone, and see it come to fruition.
It was with sadness I found she had come home and cleaned her room out while I was gone, leaving a note which basically said, "So long and thanks for all the fish...." (to quote Douglas Adams). I had hoped there would have been another note, hidden from children's eyes that might explain this situation - one to tell how our love went from commitment and trust, to nothing, but as has been the tale for the past three weeks - there was nothing. Just the echo of silence concerning the entire matter.
My heart is broken, I can not even lock away the pain for the first time in my life. I could survive my own chidren's failures, those of my God-children, even friends whom have rejected me because I chose to obey God and reach out to her. But, now I can't. How I hate this emotion that God has inflicted me with! I know it serves a function and perhaps that is its function - to keep her alive in my heart so that she will never be forgotten in prayer..... Or, more likely to break me. And I have to admit a tendency to consider not doing youth work any longer over this.
Last year, I had a nice life. She came into it, robbed me of all of my friends except one, and the respect of another whom had not heard of what had happened. And then she left. My life now fairly shattered, an infant emotion gasping for life, it is like it is 1976 all over again. Alone, basically friendless, humiliated, humbled, hating myself, and trying in earnest to seek a God's face whom seems to slapped me upside the head with a two by four. If I had low self esteem before, I have no idea what you would call what is below that.....
I have worked with teens now for 38 years, seen it all, heard it all, so often repeated - it is frustrating. I may just give up the ministry at this juncture. It is a thought, that might not be so unreasonable. I could use some prayer over the whispering voice, echoing the words of failure to me.
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