Conclusion of a Lesson

Tonight God showed me why I have been in a living hell for the past two plus weeks.....
I wrote at the beginning of this lesson back when it occurred and then had to delete it when I realized that there were a few legal ramification for what I had said.  Yeah, it was about me but it had some "national security" issues associated with it.  I really do not want more trouble in my life, so I deleted it.  But, that was the beginning.....

It all started with a movie I watched.  Although fictionalized, to be more exciting that it was in reality, it traced what happened after an event I was involved in.  In real life, when I figured it out, I got the heck out of Dodge, so to speak.  But, I knew someone, sometime would be found to replace me.  And, as I sat and watched, a flood of memories came roaring back into my mind: pictures of a man, his wife, his children, his home, his body guards, the plans of his village, the topography of the area.  Forty years later I can still recall the particulars of the man I was supposed to murder - in the name of peace.  Oh how politically incorrect of me!  I was supposed to "adjust a situation".  Yeah, with an M-21 rifle.

So I and the military came to blows.  In the end, I won in Federal Court.  In reality, it cost me all peace for two years, my stepmother was kidnapped and tortured (oh again politically incorrect of me - detained and beat senseless) and destroyed father's marriage number three.

Coincidentally, came my friends involving me in something they thought would be hilarious.  Betrayed by all it seemed at the time.

My honor destroyed, literally fearing for my life, I packed my toothbrush and headed for Vancouver, Canada in hopes of hiding from everyone!  But, this guy named Jesus caught up with me in Seattle, when a random Christian gal gave this skinny hitch-hiker a ride, I found her to be unlike anyone I had ever known, and the rest became history.

But in 1974 the only way I survived the disasters in my life was to completely lock my mind and heart down.  No one was allowed near, no one came close, obviously NO ONE could be trusted.  Except for a Swedish model I meet - she can be found under the 1975 betrayal.  grrrrrrrrrr!

Forty years later, I sat and watched my own fictionalized history: the horror, the terror, the betrayals all came rushing back to my mind.  My life was already in shambles, I was struggling to stay sane, and then the last child went sideways on me.  The betrayal was complete.  I struggled because I could not believe she could turn on me, I did everything I could to reach out but all of my attempts fell on a closed mind.  I had become inconvenient.  I completely shut down.

And tonight, God had a little 'test' cross my path, a test which left me questioning exactly what is wrong.  And God tied the past and present together - so plainly that even I could see a few things which explained why I was reacting as I was.  It does not change the sense of betrayal I still feel, but I think I can now deal with it - if I am not the only one attempting to so......

I am stunned to find out how close to the surface old memories lay.  A random movie brought back memories I thought long sealed.  Yet, all of the psychological cues were there: the repeat events lined up and my protective defenses took over.  No nothing is changed today - life still sucks, the year still has the ability to be the worse ever, and no one will interact with me.  Be that as it may, I at least can understand the why of my mind and heart shutting down.  I can at least make one more effort to reach out to the last person I trust in my life.