Random Discernments

I am so messed up mentally, i am questioning everything. Literally. Including my sanity at times. Did I miss something somewhere with daughter? Some clue that I could have caught and avoided this mess? Did I mishandle any part of the relationship? Questions, questions, questions.

So much of what I know about Yesfir was discerned, as it was revealed by God, not by any physical, mental or emotional clues. I do not make that claim in pride, if you have read my previous posting concerning this gift you understand that is almost too painful sometimes to experience.

And I questioned. Ok, God, think you have given me discernment - tell me about the people in my row - prove to me I am not going insane.....

I turned to the right, a man and two small boys. He had been in Hawaii, done too much drinking, got rolled, felt stupid - was not a Christian. He is divorced, she left him, his wife lives in Chicago while he and the boys in Ohio..... Fun so far, huh? Yeah, I could tell you lots more.

On my left, pleasant Japanese woman.No not a Christian ..... and yet, something intriguing. Something I have never encountered - a huge block of bitterness and anger, but not directed at anyone, it just seemed to define her. Maybe Kris is slipping? Why the mystery?

Farthest left, another Japanese woman. Another non-Christian and were it not for what God taught me through daughter, I never would have been able to understand the darkness, anger, bitterness and total horror laying just below the surface. I really wished there was something I could say, but I now, know better.

I was shaken. No Kris still has "it". I have not been mistaken, God is still at least talking with me.

It might anger me that the man and his wife broke up, but I sure have seen enough marriages die where the female just walks off these days. "I need romance/more coach purses/etc". But, it cheers me that he is caring for his boys. Boys need a father to become real men ..... a loving one that is. Now if only he would turn to God.

The farthest woman, what can one say? Certain damages are not recoverable from without an intense God effort. Be good to pray God does make that effort..... I have only ever been led to address this once with someone and that task is not completed yet and has been incredibly painful so far for all involved.

And the Japanese woman, so troubled, but why? I turned to physical observation - nothing unusual at all. What on earth could it be? It had my curiosity now. By the end of the flight I had figured it out, she had a handicap. Oh but let me tell you it was so well guarded and hidden, the average person would never have known unless you got into her life somehow. And that hatred and darkness? All directed towards herself because she is not "normal". I think it pleased her when I pulled my cane out of the overhead rack, I was not "normal" either.....

No, God still seems to be using and blessing me; and yet I am accursed by one whom should know - far better than anyone else ever has. And given what I have learned from daughter I can understand a little bit more of the puzzle of things God reveals; my daughter, the random Japanese woman on the plane, my American nephew's mother, the woman behind the Starbucks counter this morning, the girl in the hallway at the college. Broken beings, that never should have been broken. I can't actually "feel" anything for or about them. God told me how to "fix" daughter. I was specially selected, because I was broken, I had nothing to lose by saying "Okay, God one last assignment...". But, I can not reconcile what happened with daughter after she left. She was right, then she was wrong, and God is keeping me randomly blind. I feel so that she can make HER decisions - follow what she has seen and knows - or choose another way based on the fickleness of emotion.

And it does not take discernment to "know" that if God made an extraordinary effort to pull someone to Him, that there is a pressing reason. Yeah, but I wonder if you have figured it out yet? Not if your world view is still in place.....