Confusion

I have to admit to incredible frustration.  I am surrounded by hatreds, jealousies,  and works of pure evil.  I do not understand.  I am frustrated by this.  It is confusion to my mind.  My friends, whose wisdom I have sought for decades, have vanished.  My family, whom are themselves all adopted - with many of daughter's same problems, and should understand, are now part of the problem.  The local Christian body, where I should be able to turn for support, is gossip central - and so can not be used.  This situation is confusion to those on the outside.

So, I was walking and praying as I went.  "God how could this have befallen me?  What have I done to have 'earned' such behaviors towards me?  I have been following Your will, as I understand it.  But, even that has been hampered by the fact that I have no safeties in place - there are none I can turn to, my accountability is remote, I could easy pull a fast one and no one would even notice.  Of course, that is not whom I am.  I have tried to be Godly, but have only met with resistance on every front (almost)."  Were it not for daughter's mother, my pastor and his wife, I would truly be standing alone!

So, as I am walking along, such were my thoughts above.  "God, you are not the author of confusion and yet, confusion is reigning nicely all around me!"  Can confusion is be of God?  I am having to even question my own knowledge of God and that of what I have been taught across a lifetime.....

1 Corinthians 14:33, which is where that quote and concept comes from, revolves around the usage of the Spiritual Gifts, that which is to be our testimony to the truth of what we present to others.  No, confusion may not be found there.

Then we have James 4:13-18.  Yeah, that seems to fit well with what I am experiencing!  The "world' and its 'ways of doing things' leads to confusion.  This is not the ways of the righteous. But am I righteous?  Yeah, a whole lot of soul searching is going on.

Confusion swirls around me, it complicates all I do.  The world, its understandings, being lived in the lives of those I love.  There is an agenda being played out and it is not to support anything which has involved daughter - it is quite the converse - to blockade all attempts at healing her.

As I continue to read in James:

• Is there love in my heart?  
• Is that love what is controlling my work with daughter?  
• Is that love in support of her healing or for her?
• Have I erred in some way?
• What really are my motives?

I have spent two days in prayer and meditation on this, ending last night with a heart to heart with daughter.  I had to present the argument such that I would know by her answers if something had gone wrong, am I guilty of ungodliness towards her, am I misleading her?  She was appropriately shocked/horrified by some of the questions, but I had to be strong - I had to have her answers, not the politically correct ones.  I had to offer to be what I hated in my father, I had to have the truth.  Did I get the truth from her?  In a way.  It was not her words, it was her spirit which actually answered me.  No, the two answers were quite different - but the one I was really looking for was the answer based in love and transparency.

So it was refreshing to know that I have not led her sideways.  Of course, there are things I can do better - and I can at least try to do better!  But, over all, from her perspective, Kris gets a passing grade.

But outside of the bizarreness of Kris knowing her heart, thanks to God, God is the only one to know our heart and real desires.  How is Kris really doing, that is Kris on the inside, the real Kris?

I am not confused.  I continue to see the path I must take daughter down.  Unfortunately, I no longer see the path where those whom stand in the away of daughter's path to healing, are a continuing part of my life.  It is not a question of choosing sides or selecting one over the other, it is simply a problem of - if you are going to work against what God has called me to do, then you are part of the problem - not the solution.  Sigh.  But, I have not written them off yet - I will make one more appeal for their support - or to at least stop fighting her healing!  Much prayer needed there.

And the confusion I have seen?  Anger, bitterness, envy, strife, worldly wisdom masquerading as godly, all very devilish in nature. All what James tells me in this passage .....  And where there is envy, James also tells us, there is confusion.  Yup, hit that nail right on the head!

No Kris is human, he fouls up with regularity, he does have a sin nature to battle, but conversely, what I have been facing is what is causing the confusion - the world, being lived out in the lives of those whom should be supporting and not attempting to destroy every good work.

But then, how does a worldly Christian, support was is really of God?