Frustration

So it seems
It is my turn
To blow a gasket
To come unhinged
To become frustrated.

Frustrated with you
As you try to distract
As you try to defend
As you try to avoid
The growth to come.

You must grow
You must replace
Within
That which you released
To God.

Twin Worlds

I was listening to the radio on Saturday as I was going to pick up my daughter from work,  and this odd song came on and I thought it might be by Sting, whose voice I find intriguing - but the words were not quite like him..... A little internet sniffing and I find this group called Gotye, the song:Just A body I Used To Know. Seems the daughters were all familiar with it and Middle Daughter even owns the album.

The song strikes a personal resonance with me because, it is my life at this time, I am trapped in twin worlds.  One, the world of the past which is fading away, today is transitioning to tomorrow, yeah and there is plenty of pain to go around. Trapped between two worlds; the one my past which I have somehow outlived; the other reawakened dreams.....

I am coming to accept that it is only a miracle I lived into this year.  That decision, no not even a choice, I made at the end of November to help a friend's daughter - lead to my end of life decision in January that I would do what it took to be her father.  And suddenly my kidneys were restored, suddenly my liver was working, Kris appears to have survived.  And yet though I live, my family died.  No there were no medications or treatments and still are none.  Was this the only reason I now live?  For my family would it not have been better I die, than that I live and I am to be treated as a leper by them?  But, my daughter found healing and love; rejection, rumor and hate.  Her joy robbed from her.  May Satan answer for every ugly look she has had to endure!

I long for the simpler past, for love to be restored, but that may now be lost forever.  I long for the future I see.  I do not understand that future it is about as confusing to me as the present has become.  What has God set in motion?  Or is it evil which has bewitched my past?  The war within my mind and heart, each torn their separate ways, within themselves, rages and threatens to take my sanity with it.

But, a quirky video, a painful song, and a guy's voice that is too incredible to believe  Having now listened to all of his songs - this is certainly the best he has done.  As for Kimbra, decidedly the best she has done.  Choice of video is a little weird and you would never have gotten me to do it!

Under Pressure

So, just a warning, Kris is going to blow.  Like a pressure cooker running out of water, I can see the explosion coming.  The problem?  I am not so sure that it is not in God's determinative will this explosion happen......

Yeah, I find myself trapped, two members warring within myself.  On the one hand my natural love and devotion for my family - compromised by the hatred and rejection they have shoveled my way for six months now.  The other is my obedience to God - rewarded by the love of a very sweet young lady, whom is also being damaged by my family.  The natural man would love the one and throw away the other.  I have been trying to hold on to both, to turn my family to see that my daughter is not a threat but one of the only positive aspects of this sick family!

They do not get it.  I talked with two of the daughters this afternoon.  They were uncomfortable.  They recognize that they are part of the problem but they strongly feel that no one else should be brought into the family.  No amount of "proof" that this is of God, rates much more than a - "Well it is nice she is getting her act together now, when is she leaving...."  She is family, she is not going anywhere!  My German heels are one with the Earth.

As I worked on my Sunday School lesson, borrowing a piece from long ago, I had to reword large sections concerning God's will and how He works.  Yeah, I have learned painfully that God is sovereign and He will use whom He will use and how He chooses to work.  If He deems you are needed to do something and it is going to cost you everything, in respect to this life, guess what He is free to do?  This in contrast to my old understanding that there were some situations which were sacrosanct.  He would not strip you of your family in His service, He would honor your commitments, He would work within the box you place Him.....

It is stunning to see God at work.  To see the miracles, often daily.  To know and witness gifts in use.  To suddenly understand the concepts of time, humility, service and love.   To have every understanding and perception challenged and found wanting.  To knowingly stare directly into your future and not fear, because God is there.  To witness the closure of my past life, knowing that God has kept me alive for this time, to witness the birth of a new life and not know where any of it is going to go.....  To access a faith I never knew existed.

To the God of the universe, I yield.
Long ago, I gave myself to you, to be a servant, not understanding.
But, I am learning.
There still is no cost I will not bear.
I am yours to command.....

3D Versus 2D

I thought it would be interesting to revisit the Avengers' movie again, only this time in 2D.

As I mentioned earlier, in the 3D version the CGI was cartoonish and rather bad.  In 2D, the animation was much better because the cartoonish product was better melded with its backgrounds!

The 3D as a product was really wasted on this movie, there just was not sufficent contrast or situations which utilized the technology well.  And I expected that.  Probably the only film to have ever been done well in 3D was "The Flaming Sword" and that was probably the end of the early efforts in 3D.  The recent spat of 3D films in no way justify the usage of the technology - but that does not stop Hollywood's efforts to make buck with a bad product.  Eventually today generation will tire of losey efforts and Hollywood will yet again abandon the idea.

So what made the 2D a better picture?
Well, you are not subjected to Scarlett Johansen's lack of a butt in 3D.  Yeah, 3D of a flat surface is still 2D guys!
There were few good 3D sequences as it was.
You are not distracted by the effects and can pay attention to the story.
And it is a pretty good story even without a come-on gimmick.

My vote: excellent movie in 3D, superb movie in 2D.....

Confusion

I have to admit to incredible frustration.  I am surrounded by hatreds, jealousies,  and works of pure evil.  I do not understand.  I am frustrated by this.  It is confusion to my mind.  My friends, whose wisdom I have sought for decades, have vanished.  My family, whom are themselves all adopted - with many of daughter's same problems, and should understand, are now part of the problem.  The local Christian body, where I should be able to turn for support, is gossip central - and so can not be used.  This situation is confusion to those on the outside.

So, I was walking and praying as I went.  "God how could this have befallen me?  What have I done to have 'earned' such behaviors towards me?  I have been following Your will, as I understand it.  But, even that has been hampered by the fact that I have no safeties in place - there are none I can turn to, my accountability is remote, I could easy pull a fast one and no one would even notice.  Of course, that is not whom I am.  I have tried to be Godly, but have only met with resistance on every front (almost)."  Were it not for daughter's mother, my pastor and his wife, I would truly be standing alone!

So, as I am walking along, such were my thoughts above.  "God, you are not the author of confusion and yet, confusion is reigning nicely all around me!"  Can confusion is be of God?  I am having to even question my own knowledge of God and that of what I have been taught across a lifetime.....

1 Corinthians 14:33, which is where that quote and concept comes from, revolves around the usage of the Spiritual Gifts, that which is to be our testimony to the truth of what we present to others.  No, confusion may not be found there.

Then we have James 4:13-18.  Yeah, that seems to fit well with what I am experiencing!  The "world' and its 'ways of doing things' leads to confusion.  This is not the ways of the righteous. But am I righteous?  Yeah, a whole lot of soul searching is going on.

Confusion swirls around me, it complicates all I do.  The world, its understandings, being lived in the lives of those I love.  There is an agenda being played out and it is not to support anything which has involved daughter - it is quite the converse - to blockade all attempts at healing her.

As I continue to read in James:

• Is there love in my heart?  
• Is that love what is controlling my work with daughter?  
• Is that love in support of her healing or for her?
• Have I erred in some way?
• What really are my motives?

I have spent two days in prayer and meditation on this, ending last night with a heart to heart with daughter.  I had to present the argument such that I would know by her answers if something had gone wrong, am I guilty of ungodliness towards her, am I misleading her?  She was appropriately shocked/horrified by some of the questions, but I had to be strong - I had to have her answers, not the politically correct ones.  I had to offer to be what I hated in my father, I had to have the truth.  Did I get the truth from her?  In a way.  It was not her words, it was her spirit which actually answered me.  No, the two answers were quite different - but the one I was really looking for was the answer based in love and transparency.

So it was refreshing to know that I have not led her sideways.  Of course, there are things I can do better - and I can at least try to do better!  But, over all, from her perspective, Kris gets a passing grade.

But outside of the bizarreness of Kris knowing her heart, thanks to God, God is the only one to know our heart and real desires.  How is Kris really doing, that is Kris on the inside, the real Kris?

I am not confused.  I continue to see the path I must take daughter down.  Unfortunately, I no longer see the path where those whom stand in the away of daughter's path to healing, are a continuing part of my life.  It is not a question of choosing sides or selecting one over the other, it is simply a problem of - if you are going to work against what God has called me to do, then you are part of the problem - not the solution.  Sigh.  But, I have not written them off yet - I will make one more appeal for their support - or to at least stop fighting her healing!  Much prayer needed there.

And the confusion I have seen?  Anger, bitterness, envy, strife, worldly wisdom masquerading as godly, all very devilish in nature. All what James tells me in this passage .....  And where there is envy, James also tells us, there is confusion.  Yup, hit that nail right on the head!

No Kris is human, he fouls up with regularity, he does have a sin nature to battle, but conversely, what I have been facing is what is causing the confusion - the world, being lived out in the lives of those whom should be supporting and not attempting to destroy every good work.

But then, how does a worldly Christian, support was is really of God?

Head Games

The human mind is a wonderful product of God's design but it is also horrible in its ability to mislead us.

Father spent almost two decades torn between beliefs.  One was that he was James Bond and the other that he was a retired cop from Anchorage, Alaska.  The first drove my sister and I up the walls, but in his death, I find amongst his papers sufficient evidence that father was something more than just a mathematician for the government "big boom" programs.  That, plus three Bronze Stars, without explanation, and the photo I found of him in Sophia, Hungary in 1956 - yeah, father did do some spying it seems.  As for the Anchorage retired cop, I have no idea where that came from.  Part of father's estate is four mystery novels he wrote about his "experiences" as a cop and the "ones whom got away".  Yeah.  He was fully convinced of this.  All sorts of stories.  Just bizarre.

Of course, he also believed he was Don Juan and given his eight brides, it would seem there might have been something in that as well.....  LOL.

But, the point here is the ability our minds have to fully convince us of something which either is not fully true or may never have had a basis in truth, but our mind carries it far, too far.  Way beyond even common sense.  On the extreme edge we have almost everyone whom has either tried or succeeded at suicide.  Those I have known whom did this, had all convinced themselves there was no way around the problems they faced.  And honestly, if they had of talked to someone, whom understood their plight, I feel confident that they would have chosen life - even in the face of open hostility.  Yes, you would be surprised at what you can survive!

I am however thinking in terms of the normal human, whose mind is allowed to run rampant upon some subject and convince themselves that untruth is truth.  For father, he was James Bond.  Others that they are the victim of their physical appearance: too fat, too ugly, too old, too unlovable, the converse is equally true: too skinny, too beautiful, too whatever, to justify their choices and actions.  For instance, I might define myself as: too tall, too overweight, too middle aged, too stupid or too smart, too traveled, etc.  I have found all of these to have been stumbling blocks at one time or another.  And of course, we can let our broken natures define us as well.  Although appalling, lifelong friend - the Ice Princess, whom you might remember from her wedding I posted about years ago - allowed the fact that she had been raped as a teenager to fully and completely define her.  That would equate to self abuse, other's abuse being tolerated - and sought! - and many, many, other problems she mentally suffered from - her body bearing the punishment.  All of them, the lies of the evil one playing in her mind and why I have been thinking on this subject.

Swedish Rocket Scientist, now retired, convinced himself that Sister Bekka was the one - she wasn't and never was, but that sure did not stop an obsession that has lasted for decades; driving him and everyone around him up the wall.  She finally had to leave the country to find peace in her life!  Having spent hundreds of hours with him, trying to get him to see reality and get on with his life, I and all of the others whom tried, had to admit defeat.  He is still "stuck" on her and she is still not interested.  Yeah, our minds can be powerful tools against ourselves.  And God had a lifetime of plans for Sister Bekka that did not include SRS.  Yeah, he was quite angry with God and really does not like to discuss this even four decades later!

The 2010 Run Away Bride came through for a visit last week.  She is still of an opinion that abandoning her husband was the right thing to do.  It angers her that her family remains on his side of the divorce issue.  It angers her that nothing is going right in her life.  Yeah, she knows God does not approve and is getting in her way, but such is the power of our minds.  We can stand against God and still expect to have our way.  I told her she already knows right from wrong and although having convinced herself that her side is the correct side, that just does not make it so.  It will only get worse for her until she gets off of her horse and asks God for His forgiveness and help.  I dare say that when that happens, she will experience a flood from family and friends waiting for her to return.

Although both of the examples I used involve affairs of the heart, I could use others: Dutchman's intrigue with land speculation; my son's obsession with scooters and breaking the law; etc.  Our minds can convince us of almost anything to justify what our opinions are or our desires - fulfilled or otherwise.

Unfortunately, I am of the opinion that this is the normal nature of things in the human experience.  How do we know what is of God and what is not?  Well, I always went with the idea that if I could reasonably think of it - then it was not of God.  But since God has seen fit to give this sociopath an emotion, it has gotten a whole lot harder.  Emotions are mighty powerful agents for misleading ourselves with!  Now, I can see that you really need to know your Bible and understand how God really works before you can judge yourself as to what is God's Will and what is not.  And some times it makes no human sense at all.....

As I contemplate this, I am reminded of all of the times the Bible mentions a strong delusion overcoming the hearts and minds of the masses; in particular an upcoming one wherein a charismatic man will attempt to ascend either a throne over the entire world (or just the middle east, either could be argued effectively).  But, it is easy enough to find plenty of Old and New Testament examples!

Strong delusion, obsession, believing a lie - when the truth is there in plain sight.  Yeah, I think we all fall for that one on occasion.  Fighting God though?  Bad idea, at least for the God I know.

Vision

No I am not a "charismatic", in fact I am about as non-Pentacostal a person you will run into.  However, I do acknowledge that God has the authority to do whatever He wants.....

So, I was praying on Monday night with daughter.  Things are so horrible that honestly, if he could rapture us both I would vote for it!  But, of course, we are going through this for some distant purpose, so one must grin and bear it as they say.

And as I was praying for protection from the evil which surrounds us, I suddenly had a vision.

Now mind you, when I was first a Christian there were a few and then they seemed to have tapered off.  Which is fine.  I really get upset when I am suddenly not seeing what is on the road before me or on my dinner plate, etc.....  But, with new daughter in my life it has begun again.  Mostly it is stuff to do with her that was needed to prove God's point to her.

So, there I was in prayer, praying for protection and suddenly I was somewhere else.  It was an old abandoned place.  Very dusty, dirt everywhere.  And unseen hands lifted a targe (special kind of shield) form the dirt and shook it off.  There was some sort of embellishment on the face of it.  Then it passed over me, completely covering both me and daughter.  And I knew we were indeed shielded from what is going on around us.

Now, if only hearts could be changed.....

Yeah mighty rough when the situation dictates silence because even the pastor, though amazed, could barely believe what God is doing in daughter's life.  So that has not translated well with friends and family.  Apart from daughter's mother, the pastor and his wife - it is father and daughter versus the world.....  But, I am pretty sure we survive.

Escapism

I really do not even know how to do this post - conditions have deteriorated to the point where I am just guessing is going to be the point of no return.  The endless abuses of this said writer, his daughter and complete lack of any responsibility around this house are mind numbing.  Like Jesus in the Temple with a whip - oh yeah!  But, I am a pacifist and a gentleman - an no one is threatening to harm one of my loved ones ..... so ..... sigh.

So, I dreamt of escaping.  A road trip somewhere, preferably one way.  Were I to drop dead tonight, only one would mourn my passing - everyone else would just get pissy because they have no one to clean up after them or give them rides.  sighs.  Abused Male For Sale, heck make it free for that matter.....

No I am not going to tell you about my dream trip, but I will say it will probably happen in a few years.....

It is the one happiness I have held on to all day long and kept me smiling.

Well that and God did something yesterday that was interesting and I will tell you about tomorrow!

John Carter

So I had a free afternoon and the local cheapy theater is only $3.50, so why not!

Now I have never read any of Burrough's materials, they were not available in the European libraries when I was growing up.  Except for Tarzan, and honesty, who cares about some half naked guy running amok in the jungles?  All of those Tarzan movies available on VHS and DVD, not in my library.  So, I never even heard of John Carter, nor that series of books.

But, I do own an absolutely horrid version called, The Princess of Mars.  Yeah, C grade sci/fi material so it is a part of my video collection!  The movie has so many problems that it is hard not to get distracted by the horror of the script, dialogue, direction, photograph, special effects and what was that boom operator on.......?  Yeah, utterly enjoyable.

So, now for that latest attempt to take a whack at this idea, John Carter.

First, what The Princess of Mars, is - John Carter is not.  So this means that John Carter is more reasonable to 'real' life than TPOM was.  It also means that more money was spent on JC.  Net result - a delima.

John Carter was a pretty good movie, you could almost 'see' how reasonable the characters and situations were.  Of course, in all alien civilization, if you have cleavage - flaunt it!  But, language was watched and violence was less than expected these days.  Clothes stayed on (unless I blinked and missed something).

So it comes with a Kris seal of approval - it is an owner, if the price is right.

Next movie to see?  Back to the Avengers, only in 2-D this time to see if it is a better film.

The Letter

I have been working on a letter this week, to let a friend know what is up with me.

Sometimes when I write, it is just to put my thoughts down, so I can see them and sort them out.  Yeah, very visual.

And as I wrote, I found it harder and harder not to say what is really on my mind.  Something which troubles me.  Something I did not understand.  And as I wrote, I could see the pieces coming together.  The pieces of a puzzle, completing a whole.  Showing a direction I may go, but not at this time.

It troubles me.  I see God's handiwork here, but very few would ever understand this.  God has done a major miracle inside of me and it would take a minor book to explain, but know that has been a major change in the way my nature now works.  And I am having to learn how to handle this.  I could never have foreseen such a thing happening nor the real trouble on a horizon because of this.  I can understand now, yet not the whys nor the how's.

What is God up to?

I am pretty sure that letter is not going to be sent in its present form.  I guess it is enough for now that I understand.....

Sicker Than A Dog

Sunday, I was hit with about 10 tons of pine tree pollen in the face.  I tried to hold my breath to no avail.  It was too late, I knew I was going to die.

So sicker than a dog.  Can barely breathe.

And it seems to be in my lungs as well.  Sure hope I do not get too ill!

Break

So, I have survived mid-terms at college.  Yeah, it was pretty horrible overall.  The easiest was my math class where the teacher decided not to give one at all and instead use the grade from our last test - SCORE!  I had a 96 on that test and was not real sure how I would do if the mid-term was comprehensive!  My (il-)logic class was accomplished with two minutes to spare and I feel good about it.  Certainly, I gave it my best shot and earned whatever my grade will reflect (please dear Lord a C at least!).  And that leaves my class on building servers.....  Not real sure on that one.  I completely studied for the wrong test.  I concentrated on the how, not the why's and guess what 50 of 56 questions were on.  Yeah.  So we will see.  The instructor likes me and loves my daughter, so maybe I will get mercy points for a daughter whom is pretty sharp and speaks CISCO networks.....

God continues to do the oddest things in my life.  I was mentally dead last night when the phone rang and it was son, his bike had broken down and he needed a pick up.  Now son and I can not lift that bike of his, and everyone other than daughter and I were long in bed.  So, we got to go pick up son.  Only, the truck ran out of gas!  Yeah, I had filled it earlier to go to the dump.....  Someone must have figured out how to siphon the truck and that tank lasted all of 36 miles!  Mighty expensive mileage there.  So daughter and I got a chance to talk a two mile walk at mid-night.  All went well, no muggings, no one hit by a car, etc.  Just a chance to walk and talk.  And that is how my life has been since January 17th, them most random of moments to be together to talk.  I am not complaining but it is so obvious that one would have to be brain dead not notice and wonder at the why He is setting aside time for us to talk - much less actually have something to talk about.  Vvvvvverrrrrryyyy Interestink!

So it is early and I think I will work on my to do list for today!  First up, call my dear friend in the Tucson hospital. Oh yeah, turns out he overheated, had a heart attack, which set off his silicous lung problem and why they originally thought it was lung failure.  But, now he is doing much better and might get out of the hospital this week!  Keep praying for his salvation - you will to know him in Heaven, might cool dude and very God-ly non-Christian.

Nook

I wanted to get Gaelic Girl something for mother's day, but what?  She has the money to get herself anything she wants - except happiness.  I wish I could discuss happiness with her but I know that subject is out of bounds.  Gingers really do not handle suggestions much less criticism well.....

So, I thought I could do a computer for her, but when I priced it out, well it was out of my league.  ARGH!  I hate being poor!  Such is the effects of 2.5 years of no work.....

Gaelic Girl reads an incredible amount - and her books might be part of the problem.  (No, I didn't just say that!)  So, thinking out loud, as I often do, I was sorting out the Kindle, Nook, IPad delima.  I finally settled on the Nook.  But, there is the very basic black and white and a color one.  Which one, which one?!?!?!?  Then Yesfir, suggested the Nook Tablet.  So I went and checked it out.

Now Gaelic Girl's lives is fairly bland technology life: Spider Solitaire and Maj Jong are her games of choice.  On the internet she does email and FaceBook, plus some surfing the web for quilting patterns and ideas.  The Tablet does all of these.

I played with the machine a bit at Barnes and Nobles.  I liked it.  I bought it.  Now will she use it?  We shall see.  She is not exactly talking to me still so.....

Obedience or Death

Sometimes I can be fairly blind to the obvious.

Daughter and I were talking this weekend, over a hot BBQ, about how did we get to where we are today.  And, something dawned on me.  A discomformity, something that is out of sequence.  It has been sitting in the back of my mind for months and I just could not put my finger on it.....

Back in October, when my kidneys failed, the doctor did not have a great deal of hope, but life could be lived on a dialysis machine.  And then the liver started failing again - as it had years ago.  I now know this may be a genetic thing since my father wrote several times about his in his memoirs.  But, I knew in early November that I might not be making it to the end of the year.  My doctor of 30 years was very emotional about this.

And it dawned on me - Kris is still alive!  His kidneys began function in January, as did the liver again.  Cool miracle!  Kris lives!  Well I am not going to complain in any event.  But, that nagging, unspoken question: Why?

Yesfir supplied the answer during our conversation - in January I became obedient, even knowing at the time that my days were very short, I was obedient and fully became her father.  When each day is a gift, no matter the pain, no matter the problems, it is a little hard to say that I would not use my last days to be obedient in.  Like a dying man needs to fear commitment?

Yet, by the end of January, both kidneys and my liver were functional - again.  Yeah, I was in a back brace by then but I was alive!  And I did not see the correlation here:  My days were up and if I had not of been obedient, then that may well have remained true.  But, I did as I was told and never realized that if I had not, I might have been now at peace.....

So, it is all my daughter's fault!

Our goal is not to see how many days we can live, or to even spend our time trying to divine the future, but to live each day as if it was to be our last.  I was and had been for three months!

And I am reminded once again of January 14, 1987, the day God told me my remaining life was now His.  And since, then there seems to have not been much use for me really at all.  Until called Yesfir into my life as family, not just another kid.

Hmmm

The Avengers

How is it that you go to what should be a pretty cheesy B or C grade movie and it ends up being an A-movie?  Holy Cow!, what a movie!

Lots of violence but language was all appropriate, girls kept their clothes on and the good guys win!  A perfect western, er, Kris movie!  :^)  Abundant humor, some of it dark, which is always the best in my mind!  Most of the characters did any standing job.  Cheers for the Loki performance!

It was a good continuation of the Captain America movie which I thought quite good, even if Germans were being killed.  Continues the Thor saga, which was also a great movie.  Works Iron Man in as well and of course the Hulk.  Whomever the bow and arrow guy was, I liked him.  I have a feeling he is a real person.

What I was not impressed with was Thor's inability to replicate his performance from the movie of the same name.  He was at best shallow and a mega-hunk to keep young girls happy.  And Scarlett Johansson?  Personally, I have no idea why anyone puts her in a movie, but then I am not normal - I realize this.  But she was by far the weakest link and should have been voted off the set very early on.

Other jeers: really horrible CGI which was made less obvious by being in 3-D, the Russian conversations where horrible and the signs in the background where just characters not real words.  A Russian consultant for 5 minutes would have cost them what, $1000 at the most?  Gees, save money in all of the wrong places!

If you have not seen it, you might consider it.  This was an awesome movie.  Comes with my son in-laws, Yesfir and my approvals.....  Now I have to see it in 2-D to see which version I like the most.

And oh by the way, you have to stay to the very end of the credits to see one of the best gag moments concluded.....  Most of the audience had left and so missed a very funny routine.........  It was falling out of your seat funny and I had to explain it to those around me because it was so subtle.  I love subtle humor.

Looming Death

I sit here troubled this morning, one of the best men I have ever known lies in a Tucson hospital right now.  Yeah, he is failing.

He was a mine construction engineer, pick the American superfund clean-up site and yup - it was probably his.  One would imagine that this is horrible, but he came up with ways of doing things never thought of before.  Oh yeah, in the longer term, really bad ideas but in the 1940's through 1970's, no one actually knew the real cost of mining on the environment - nor really cared.

Because he is one of the best men I have ever known, it was virtually impossible to witness to him.  His life was what any Christian males should have been!  He was involved in a local church, but he had no faith.  And that was the problem.  His life was what he wanted, he lived to the aspirations taught him by his mother and so really hard to demonstrate need - when he is not being convicted of something in his life!

His second wife is a Christian.  She knew better than to marry a none believer, but she did it because he is a heck of a nice guy!  Years later she told me through her tears at how his hatred for God was killing her.  She wanted him in heaven but he would not even discuss this with her.  Yeah, unequally yoked, missionary marriage, how ever you want to call it - it will be devastation on her when he is gone.

So please be in prayer for Richard.  I love the guy and I surely would love for him to finally address his need for a savior.....

Recalling Years Ago

I sort of stumbled, just a little, yesterday.  Daughter asked me, "How does one take every thought captive?"  And my mind sort of blanked out.  I gave her the right answer, just not the best answer.  So, I thought this would make a good post, as well as, answer her question!

2 Corinthians 

⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Indeed, how does one hold one's thoughts captive?

And my mind this morning roamed back to my early years as a Christian.  So long ago, so horrible, no wonder I really do not like remembering those years!

I was a very carnal non-Christian, we all are, no matter how well you thought of yourself.  For me, not in the context of how this word is used in American Christian circles, but in terms of being worldly and oh so self-centered.  And when I became a Christian - that pull of the world did not magically disappear, nor did memories I should never have had.  And I struggled with this verse.

 How could Paul take every thought captive?  Where did Jesus say we had to do this to be obedient to Him?  This is just too hard!  PERIOD!

And you know, when you challenge God, He is going to give you plenty of opportunities for self improvement.....  Christians, people I trusted, led this young Christian down not so good of a path and yeah, gave me plenty of material to work with in trying to take my thought life captive.

How do you do it?

1. You have to be willing to battle yourself and your mind.

2. You have to be willing to pray a thousand times a day, for years, if that is that it takes.

3. Every time an inappropriate thought or memory comes to mind - you turn it over to God in prayer and ask Him to block such things from your mind.

4. Repeat as necessary.

No, you wail!  But, yes, it is time plus obedience in prayer that is going to free you.

That freedom came after two years of solid prayer for me.  I was convinced I was the worse Christian on the planet, but I knew I had to rid my mind of the worldliness which tormented me.  Eventually, God helped all of those memories fade away, only reappearing within the context of helping others understand where I came from and/or to help them know what worked for me.

Across time you can take every thought captive, but it will not happen all at once, nor be an easy process.  Why?  I think it has something to do with God helping us to understand the gravity of what it was that separated us from Him.  We never view our own sin with the appropriate horror, but when we are faced with killing its memories - mighty darn hard.

Of course, you also have to remember that we have an Accuser whom specializes in bringing up our past in our mind and through just the randomness of life.  So, not only are you in need of prayer that God will remove and take captive those parts of our thought life which are in sin, but also to bind the evil one from the freedom to bring back situations, occurrences and memories which are not glorifying to God - nor yourself!

So, two prong attack: turning thoughts over to God for His trashcan, blocking evil from presenting you with your past as a way of stealing your freedom from yourself as a Christian.

If you have confessed your life to God, in Jesus, you are free - but still in bondage until you can free yourself from your past.

Sometimes I would be so angry at God!  Why?!?!?!?!?  Must I deal with all of the $^#$# from my past life?  But, I had to.  I am sure God laughed at my anger.  He knows each of us from our smiling faces to our dark inner cores, and He still loves us, in spite of what that inner core really is.  He wants to set us free from our past, so we can have a future, and think no more of ourselves than we should.

So, my dear readers, I am sure you have plenty to pray about today.....

On Abundance

Thinking on our spiritual lives and the reality of what surrounds us in this culture.  I often have to remind myself to take my eyes off of the world and worry, and restart walking in faith.  Be that with my family, my kids, my schooling or my fascinating employment situation.  And, when I can take hands off, things do go oh so much better, I learn more and everyone else is going crazy - not me!

So, thinking on Luke 12:13-21 and John 10:10 for right now.

Abundance is God Given.
It is NOT man-made however.  Abundance is not found in our creature comforts, in our circumstances, in our feelings or impressions, certainly will not be found through the accumulation of stuff.  No, living in abundant life is not easily done at all!

He wants you live abundantly!
Be glad, God wants to bless you!  That blessing is the abundant life.

We are a new creature, once we have found life in Jesus, as the Christ.  With that comes a new life.  Are you living it?  Or just hanging on to the old comfortable one?

That new life is for now, living here on this earth, not for Heaven - though some book writers would like you to think it is a future blessing, for a future life.  So, what exactly are we supposed to be living in the here and now?

• God's Grace
• Jesus' Love

Think on these references, yeah there are more, but this is supposed to be fun to think on!  Psalms 56:7-8; 2 Corinthians 9:8; Ephesians 3:20; Philippians 4:19; Romans 8:37.

That abundance should be like a Tsunami in your life!  You have unlimited Grace from God and unlimited Love.  Just think about it!  How would it change your life if you could step out your door this morning and FORGIVE others, no matter what they do to you?  How would having LOVE change your associations with your friends, family and even complete strangers.  A love that brings you nothing in return.  A love that is genuine.....  The Tsunami hits!  The water of God's love and grace, swirling around everything in your life, drowning out the chaos, the self seeking, the idols of our lives.  And it just keeps coming - as long as we are able to walk in faith....

Beware!
We have a very sneaky enemy.  He just lives for finding ways to steal your abundance from you!  He comes as a thief and honestly wants to destroy you, deflect God's blessings from you, make you as ineffectual as possible.

We have seen through the tireless eyes of the media the scores of Christian ministers and teachers whom have been misled to their own destruction, taking with them their churches, their sheep, destroying families, marriages and the fulfillment in life which is due others.

Jesus warned us almost 2,000 years ago, and we still do not listen to his words!  Nor are we as watchful and vigilant as we must be!  Well, at least I tend to drop my guard when all is well, or when I feel safe and secure.  Do you?   Is it any wonder then  that we get into the situations we do and then lose everything through exposure to the world for our sin!?!?!?!?!?  GAAAAACK!

Becareful!
The world, just in an of itself, and of course our Accuser are always waiting, always yearning to provide us with the distractions necessary to led us away from God, Jesus, Church, even our testimony!

You can be misled by your looks into the Fame and Fortune the world offers and lose your soul.
You might have a talent which rockets you to the FF world as well, with the same results.
Money and the pursuit of power both led you far form where God would have you.
No matter how PIUS you are, write a book, become famous, wake up far from where you were.

So is there a standard formula?  Fame + Fortune + Fun = "success", repeat as necessary until "happy".  Don't you just love the world's lies?  Just look at all of the happiness in Hollywood!  And how often do we seen in the headlines, the tragedies of these peoples lives whom have bought into the lie?

Walk away today with the idea that only God can give abundantly, of what you really need..  No God does not need beautiful people, whom fard their faces regularly.  He do not need millionaire Christians, nor politicians, etc.  He just needs an army of everyday people living their faith where they are in life, willing to forgive through God's Grace, willing to Love through Jesus' Love, willing to give their last nickel to make an impact in others lives.....

Daydreams

Do you have a daydream?  No, not the kind where your brain checks out and you suddenly can understand the whole Zac Efron weirdness - that would be more like a day-mare to me!

No, a dream, something that used to occupy your thoughts - only you never acted upon?  For my father, it was to be an accordion player in an oom-pah-pah band.  Really?  Not designing bigger and better toys that go boom and flatten square miles of terrain (with associated loss of life, of course!)?  Just an accordion player?  Dutchman always wanted to build his own boat and set sail to distant lands.  We built the boat - it just never set sail.  Now that is the stuff daydreams are made of.

For me, it was to drive a VW van from the most northern point to the most southern point.  When I lived in Europe that would have been from probably Murmansk, Russia to the Cape of Good Hope.  Living in America, it was modified to be a run from Barrow, Alaska - down the CANAM, then hop on the PANAM series of roads forming a trail all of the way to the tip of Terra del Fuego - on the Argentina side.  Why?  Well, I read an old magazine, circa 1960, about a guy whom did this for his honeymoon.  It took them one year and about $10,000 US at the time.  Yeah, I could totally see me doing this - though was a little unsure as to the whole traveling companion part.  Probably would do better to have a spare engine than a "skirt" along I imagined.....

One Whom Made It!

I had long ago forgotten that dream, but I was in about as happy a mood last night as I have been in years.  So, I guess, as I slept, and the old dream worked its magic back to the surface of my mind.  Oh, yeah, though long forgotten - I still want to do this!  That school boy has re-awaken within me!  And given decades of road building, it is probably all the more doable today than it was when I was in high school!

When I was in high school I even researched out the route and got trip reports on various sections of the PANAM Highway which seemed problematic.  All I needed was one year free and about $30,000.  Yeah, that dream faded away through a lifetime so busy that I failed to keep in touch with dreams.

I wonder where all of those papers are that I kept on this trip?  Gotta be in the basement somewhere......

Cinco de Mayo

It was our annual gathering this weekend, minus Dutchman, whom is vacationing and Timothy whom is still in Ohio.  So missing a few characters for the first time since our first Mexican eat-a-thon in 1974.  Yeah, two missing and then there were the attitudes this weekend!

Gaelic Girl was on the warpath.  Dear Lord help me when she is.  Unfortunately, she was displaying the symptoms as her sister back in January - severe mental issues.  So, going to call around and see what I can find in the way of help for her - then I have to convince her to do something - like that has ever happened before.

I was so upset that I told Timothy I was not going to be a part of his wedding - I could really see my selling everything to try and get GG the help she needs.  Yeah, it is that serious (big prayer item!).  But, daughter reminded me that GG's requirement is a long term need whereas Timothy's is three days at the most.  It is a major life event for him and I really need to be there.....  Yeah, she is right, so Timothy and I had a LONG conversation about everything.

The Swede was in town and not in the hospital for a change, so I expected him to be cheery, but alas he was in attack mode.  One thing I can trust him to do is speak his mind and yup he did.  It was sort of unexpected and I sort of expected to be in the hospital by now.  But, my blood pressure seems to have stabilized.  Sigh.  I never expected an attack from him.

So, it was a rather quiet time.  I spent most of the "party" on my computer and just let others yak it up. 

In my heart I was asking God why and all I got was Zechariah 4:6 - "...not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Hosts.

And then I was reminded of the knowledge God gave me.  Yeah, I can see His hand at work, playing out a drama in the lives of those around me.  No, I have never seen God move as He has this past year.  I can not tear down spiritual walls, nor turn a dead heart back to life, nor any of a myriad of things none of us can do apart from God - yet, He can do those things.  We (I) just have to sit back and let him do His work to accomplish His goals.....

So hard staying hands off, when you already know the outcome, the goals, the how and the why.  "But God, I could do this now and it would make it all so much easier later....."  Famous last Kris words!  Nope, mouth stays shut for now and Kris is to do nothing.  Apparently, God really does not need any assistance from me.....

Hrair

Daughter laughs at me because my English is a bit strange.  Sometimes she even confesses that she has to call her mother to find out what on Earth I was saying because she knows the words - just not their meaning in conjunction.  Of course, my mind just went blank and I can't think of an example now!  Oh well - old age.

But, I am also noticing at school the same tendency with my group partners.  Perfectly good English is wasted because sometimes they have never even heard of the words - and a few of them are as old as I.  Take the word - Hrair, for example.

No one had heard that word before.  I think I was in grade five at my NATO school, where we were forced to read Watership Down.  Personally, I really did not care for the book, but I do like rabbits, and it is about rabbits after all.  So hrair was explained as being the maximum conceivable  number - might be the only question I got right on the test which followed.  Why?

Well, Richard Adams, in a section wrote at how the rabbits were counting - One, Two, Three, Four, Hrair!

Yeah, silly bunnies could not count past four, therefore any number of bunnies over four were Hrair!

I remember laughing myself silly over that one!  Probably a hormone surge and my brain shorted out.  But the idea stuck with me, Hrair - an inconceivable number.

Now how many uses can you find to use Hrair for today?!?

A Bully Strikes Out

So it seems that there is this dude named Dan Savage, I have no clue whom he is, with a political and social agenda, and oh, by the way he is a bully too.  To bad Christians are not like Muslims and rise up against him and his sponsors - they would be learning a very hard lesson .....

In any event, he was asked to speak at a convention of young journalists.  He used his podium time for this.  Oh yeah, by the way it is not kid friendly, is insulting, rude and coarse, and he shows the kind of spineless bully he really is -



Did you enjoy that?  Did you side with the majority of those whom yelled and clapped at his rather baseless tirade against Christians.  If you did not enjoy it, then you need to figure out how a godless man forms such opinions about you - and then do something about it.  If you enjoyed it, then you really need to pick up a Bible, read it using a subject index and then a history book to figure out exact if what Dan Savage was saying is historically and Biblically correct.....  (Hint: he is using sources out of context without an understanding of Christianity or history - historically, real Christians are the ones whom have brought freedom and cures....)

Obviously about a dozen had the balls to stand up and walk out when someone begins a tirade of bullying others for their religious beliefs.  And he is so blind to his own hypocrisy as to use them as a comic foil.  He should take lessons from Milton Berle if he to try that one successfully.  All he really managed to do was damage his own reputation.

And how did his sponsors feel?
http://studentpress.org/nspa/

And what did Dan Savage then say?
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/04/29/on-bullshit-and-pansy-assed

Yeah it was supposed to be an apology, only if you actually read it, is more of his attempts at bullying.

So sorry for you Dan - God really does not care about "pansy-assed" bullies whom use their pulpits in the media to attack His people.  Yeah, you might get away with it for now, but one day you will be called to account for your actions and the harm you do to others.....  Amazingly, exactly like He deals with those whom do the very things you blame Him and Christians for.  The day you can be honest with yourself in the mirror, drop me a note and maybe we can talk.  Unlike you, I am not a bully, but I am willing to talk to another non-bully - especially when they need to learn about a living God and their need for salvation.  When you reach bottom, you can only look up.

Trapped in Time

Were but that God had not shown me Yesfir's past, present and future.  Oh yeah we like to ponder the future and that is one of my favorite movie genres, but in reality - no you really do not want to know.

And I find myself trapped in time.

I have commented about the past before.  God gave me His view so that Yesfir could be held accountable to the truth in her dealings with me.  It was to shock her into awareness that God knows, there are no secrets, and oh by the way - He told this is silly old German dude!  Yeah, that point was not missed on her.  There is no embarrassment held back.

Her present I needed to know because like all of us, she attaches no real importance upon where she is.  God does.  It has changed her life about 90% so far, still another 10% to go.  God wants all of her - past, present and future to be His.  And He does tend to get His way.

But her future plays upon my mind.

How would you like to know that you are going to win a million dollars?  Cool, bring it on God!  But, wait a minute, it is the future we are talking about here.  Is it in God's determinative will or His permissive will that you are going to win a million dollars?  It does matter.

If it is Determinative - then at some point, no matter what you do or how hard you fight God's leading, you are going to win a million dollars!  Awesome!  But, when?  If you are completely obedient it might be sooner than later.  If you are the strong willed type, it might be later in life.  Oh phooey!  But, yippee, I get a million!  I am a good boy, bring it on God!

But, let us say that that future where you win the million dollars is a product of God's Permissive will - then what?  Well, it means that God places no importance upon that million and you may or may not get it.  It is not a carrot, it is just one serious possibility for a path you may traverse.

Of course, all of us want that million and want to be on that path which will bring us that million.  So if determinative - YAHOO! it is mine.  Then again, permissive, we take the tact of what must I do to win the prize?  Only it does not work that way.  You make choices, those choices set you on a path and it might be the correct one for the million or not.  Dang!  God just cost me a cool million!  Not really, and you did not either,

Now let us take the exact opposite.  Instead of a million dollars, it is going to be an agonizing death.....  Ready to sign up now?  Determinative or permissive, we are all going to do die one day.  Why not martyrdom?  Yeah, get a shiny crown too!  Not too many will volunteer for this one - death is too real to us and though it is not, we see it as permanent and final.

I can so clearly see her choices in her future.  One of them is very hard, it sets her upon the path which will define her life.  So it makes me think that her future is permissive.  One path might have a rainbow and cool prizes.  Another might bring frustration and death.  Yet another might bring God His glory played out in her life.  And, I can not tell her which path leads to which because I do not know - very wise of God there.  Whom would choose death for their child?

So I find myself dwelling upon that choice and those futures.  Conversations we have today, I see in another time, in another venue - only I am explaining how she got where she is.  And if this is of God, then I can understand that she is permanently linked to my life.  Which also means that I had better get her "right".....  If that linkage is determinative after all. LOL!

And yes, I do feel pressured.  What if I get her "wrong", something I do/show/teach turns her sideways to her path?  Is it even possible?  I do not know, but I do contemplate this.  Does success or failure depend upon me and my getting it right?  ARGH!  The pressure!

Frustration, Ha!

And I thought I was frustrated before, yesterday was a really horrible day for frustration!  Yeah, I was in, "Why me?" mode.  And I was being very verbal with daughter over my frustrations, the worse of them being - why must I be put in a position where I am having to choose a side no one else will back, I am to sacrifice everything?  It is just not fair. (wah, wah, wah!)

I have been growing increasingly irratated with my courses at college.  They are about as useless as anything I have encountered in life.  I finally blew on Sunday night when one of my tests was arguing that solid fuel rockets are not bombs.  Really?  And Jack Parsons' home, which was leveled by a solid fuel rocket in 1954, was not a bomb explosion?  They did not even find enough of Parsons to really have much of a burial.  Oh, yeah, he was the inventor of the solid fuel rocket.

So I am meeting with the professor of this class so he can explain to me the relevance of tests for which the correct answer is that SFR are not bombs.  Somehow this helps me how to hold this viewpoint.........?

Frustrated in school, frustrated with  my family's stance on the Yesfir issue, frustrated with Yesfir herself, etc .  Yeah a very nice pity party for one.  So there I am sitting in my computer networking class, day nine, nothing is working on my server, the manuals are useless for debugging the problem - even the teacher is challenged trying to figure out what has gone wrong and then the text messages start to roll in!

Yesfir's mother has decided I need perked up and is sending me a series of text messages telling me to "buck up".  Very sweet of her and probably what I needed, but they only made me more frustrated.  How can I buck up , when NOTHING is as it should be?

So I am driving home and I thought, I will distract myself with the radio and clicked on what ever Christian station it was set to.  Some guy was talking about the, Chariots of Fire, guy - Little if I am remembering correctly.  Of great, another sermon on what passes for faith in this God-less culture!  Don't get me wrong, I know the guy died for his faith in China following the Paris Olympics.  Good for him.  That helps me how?

Just so I would not miss the point, the voices says, ".....and you will never be able to serve God unless you are willing to sacrifice everything you have to accomplish God's goals ....."  Was that voice a part of the program message?  Or was it God?

I had to pull over and call Yesfir's mother and tell her what just happened.  We both got to laughing so hard!

Yeah, here was Kris, only hours earlier complaining that the future I saw for Yesfir, required everything I had.  Family, friends, knowledge, faith, whatever finances I have - for what looks mighty bleak on the horizon.  And I am angry, I am selfish, I am confused, I am frustrated.

And now here is Kris, understanding that God is demanding my all, everything, because nobody else will.  Yeah, how messed up is that.....

Kris is now not frustrated.  I have to find a way to pass classes of meaningless value.  I have to find a way to support Yesfir and her discipleship.  I have to know that my family and life long friends will not be standing with me, or if they do it will not be any easier for them either. 

By the world's standard, I am soon to play the fool .....