Letting Go

So, if you were on line very early this morning you saw a post I have now rescheduled for release on Wednesday because this one is more important. I generally write most of my posts for a week on Sunday evening and just schedule them for each day. It freaks ND out because quite often I comment on things, which have yet to happen, but we will just call that a God thing.

Today, she and I begin the ordeal of freeing her.

And as I lay in bed, thinking about today and what all must be done, it struck me that I have a bit of clean up to perform as well.

I have harboured one piece of hate in my heart for decades. The real reason I left home, the real reason I hated my family and especially my mother, the real reason - that like ND - I too was broken. Yeah, my mother.

It serves nothing to go into it, if you can not figure it out from what I already said, well I envy you.

As I lay in bed I knew I had to finally let go of that hatred for her and what she did to that young man. I finally understood last year, when my favorite uncle in a fit of rage said something no one had ever said about my mother, and why a 13 year old had already been written off by her family. Which explained quite a lot, since I have long been very irritated at having a mother just barely older than me! Yeah life is interesting when most people thought your mother was your older sister! Not to mention, once older, realizing what that said about my father.....

So, I lay in bed, the anger once again surging through me. I knew I had to let go. I knew I had to, but it is my precious.....

Yes, I did confess my hatred and anger and unforgiveness to God and begged His forgiveness for me and in my heart for her. But, I did not do this for me or my relationship with my mother, I did this for Yesfir. I can not expect her to do, what I can not.

Yeah, I feel sort of empty now. But, I know that I can face ND with a clean slate and be honest in working with her as we free her from her demons.

I am struck at how much my work with ND is as much for me as it is her..... God has a bizarre sense of humor.