Unending

Unending:

• Days
• Time
• Boredom
• Drama
• Hatred
• Ignorance
• Pain

Day 12, my heart continues to grow weaker.  The pain at times more than I can bear, yet there is nothing to do.  I have the world's best insurance and can not afford the Obama dictated co-pay new to my plan.  To step into ER would run now at least $102,000 for what they would do to me, my share 10%.  My lungs are going and that only adds more stress to the heart.  Oh do not worry, God will either bring me through this or not at all.  I hope not at all, for all hope other than for peace in His eternity is lost to me.  but, I went, I underwent the tests and they found NOTHING!  A leg and foot the size of a Lebanese sausage and nothing ....  Gees!

Hope sustained even me, for whom hope really had no meaning.  Hope was the ground of truth I stood on, then hope came to actually mean hope (as you know it) and I found that ground to become a bit shaky.  No I did not loose my faith, it is just harder to "know" when you are constantly being assaulted on all sides by emotional feeds and life.  I can still see truth, I can still know to stand, but I realize that I am at best a cripple now - for what is hope to me today?

Once life had meaning, what was love was "friended" out of existence, what was friendship evaporated when self interest became greater, what was hope ... requires nurture, which disappeared long ago.  And I continue to hold on to my faith, my gifts and that which was impressed upon me.  All else I can no longer see nor even know. 

And there is nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and I have cried out to God so often across the past three months, I am tired of even hearing my voice! - the only answer?  Stand.  And in a vacuum at that!

In the meantime, I may yet learn to be apathetic ...

Sunday morning I was reminded of John 8 and I meditated on this for hours.  It is a smack down between the Pharisees and Jesus.  Of course, Jesus wins, but only through worldly eyes does man's logic seem to carry the day.

I thought on this and what Jesus said; I see more clearly his defining point between what is of Him and what is of Satan.  Even the do-gooders were lost due to their own disbelief, prejudice and social hatreds.
Even when faced with a miracle, the likes of which had never been performed before, the religious elite gave the credit to Satan because God does not work this way.  Surprise!

And I read back through what I wrote on Friday night in this post.  I could see the disconnect between the world and I, the church and I, and unfortunately, friends and family and I.
I have changed in an unpredictable direction and I know that friends and family need to adjust, but they are distancing themselves instead.  Obviously, I must be insane and therefore avoided at any cost.
And I am trapped in this failing body, unable to even walk a mile, or I am of a mind to just walk away in disgust.
But, it seems this body is what God is using to stop me.
So, something still lies ahead, some resolution, some answer, something which explains all of this and these wasted years.
... Sigh ...