Those whom know me are often the first to criticize me. And in that criticism is a common theme of I am very slow to get a clue - take a hint - are you a stalker? And realize that most everyone in my life has at one time or another taken the tact of seeing how fast - easily - painlessly it is for them to kill me. It is one of my strong points - I am a post-war German, I can take the heat, I can take the pain, I have eternity to wait to prove a point. That is how hardened the children of the American GI's in Germany made our lives as we grew up. We were NAZI's, we were Jew haters, we were murderers, we were quite literally lower than scum in the hierarchy of the NATO schools. And it created a class of young men whom have extreme patience. I can wait to be proven right just as equally as I can wait to see that you get what is coming to you. And whereas perhaps our fathers and/or grandfathers were NAZI's, I was at least Hebrew by genetics, no one in either side of my family had ever taken a life! (Well, remember that Vlad the Impaler was one of my forefathers, so yeah all generations since sort of have gone out of the way to not appear like him! He sort of made up for the next 900 years of my family history!)
And as a Christian, that strength, has been oft tested, never understood, never fully accepted but sought when it is needed.
2 Timothy 3:10-14
That strength is the very basis of being able to be a mentor. If you want to know about a life worth living - find someone whom can inspire you to follow Jesus! Because, that is where it can only be found.
But, first you have to find someone whom can play that role in your life! How can I find that Apostle Paul kind of person that Timothy had in his life?
Look for people who will help you become spiritually prepared:
They Live Transparent Lives.
There is no fakery, they are open for you to see both the good and bad about them.
You can see their struggles.
You know everything there is to know about one another.
They Teach God's Truth.
Paul says to Timothy:
"You saw"
"You were a part of"
"You know what is true"
"You need to stick with the truth"
They Practice What They Preach.
If you are faith - you will be persecuted!
"All" "Will" guaranteed!
The world, evil, Satan will seek to silence you.
Yeah sounds like like a bad sales job here by Paul to his convert Timothy, however, both could see the gains to be greater than the loss the world will try to force upon you.
Paul was a man of patience, willing to be completely transparent, he taught God's truth, he practiced what he preached and he could take the heat - even to the point of being stoned to death! Of course, in due time, his head was lobbed off by his Roman guards - they did their duty, whom in turn were then immediately executed for having become Christians themselves.
Sad story or one of conquerors?
But the example of the qualities you must find in your own life ...
Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Musical Saturday Morning
A morose morning. Actually, I am still in shock on what this year has wrought. And quietly, in the back of my mind were the opening bars to this song:
As I sat Thursday morning reflecting on the latest tirade and then unfriending, I had to wonder exactly what is going on, maybe even with only one leg, I need to start that trip to Argentina. I am sure there are plenty of doctors there whom would love to "remodel" my foot and ankle for Yankee dollars ...
Then God brought the young man whom makes knives over unexpectedly. He buoyed my spirits some. At least I could know that at least one person cared enough at that moment to see what was going on with me. As he left, in the same moment, the only man from my church I almost call friend, showed up and wanted to do lunch - until 3:00! Yeah, we had quite a talk! And then I unexpectedly had to go pick up my grand daughter from school, always a delight.
So from a morning of death and pain, to God showing quietly His hand in holding me close. NO it did not ease my pain but at least I could know in my heart that He is still in charge, He still cares, hope has not been lost for my friend ...
But all I really desired Thursday evening was to hear the first words of reconciliation from my best friend.
As I sat Thursday morning reflecting on the latest tirade and then unfriending, I had to wonder exactly what is going on, maybe even with only one leg, I need to start that trip to Argentina. I am sure there are plenty of doctors there whom would love to "remodel" my foot and ankle for Yankee dollars ...
Then God brought the young man whom makes knives over unexpectedly. He buoyed my spirits some. At least I could know that at least one person cared enough at that moment to see what was going on with me. As he left, in the same moment, the only man from my church I almost call friend, showed up and wanted to do lunch - until 3:00! Yeah, we had quite a talk! And then I unexpectedly had to go pick up my grand daughter from school, always a delight.
So from a morning of death and pain, to God showing quietly His hand in holding me close. NO it did not ease my pain but at least I could know in my heart that He is still in charge, He still cares, hope has not been lost for my friend ...
But all I really desired Thursday evening was to hear the first words of reconciliation from my best friend.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Best Friend - Position Available
Not exactly the post I had in mind for today, events sort of overshadowed what I had planned on Wednesday!
I do not lose friends well, especially very close special friends. Especially a best friend, where the level of trust required is so high and so fragile. I have only lost two friends ever. One because of gossip done by well meaning people in the Church, was taken wrong by them (and really pissed me off!). The other I still mourn, their self image got in the way of friendship and desire no longer allowed for a Kris in their life.
The last friend I lost was in September, they would not articulate what was going on between us until January. And I took that rebuke to heart and fought very hard to recreate Kris. Too bad it was not until two weeks ago that I learned they had not had my best interest at heart at all, they just wanted me dead in their life! And for two weeks I have struggled to understand and find some way of helping them during a time of crisis, to be there for them as they never had been for me. I tried everything, even tough love, to no avail. And I could not figure this out, everything I said was turned into an attack, everything was used against me, I became the object of derision just for existing. It was not logical, it was not rational, it was ... I had to wonder if spiritual, and yes, I think it is the only explanation left.
Well, I should say that I certainly did get to see them with all of their layers of walls down and the truth on their lips. And it was at least nice to have truth at least once expressed by them. I wonder if they will be able to live with what they said, because it was a horrible condemnation upon themselves. They thought to strike out at me and unfortunately showed the poison of their own soul. For all their claims across their lifetime, one sentence silenced it all and I suddenly understood what I had been seeing for months but never could connect the dots of.
Of course, that is what God is good at, neutralizing the poisons in our lives. If we are willing to actually call upon him in earnest and not pretend. And that offer is still extended towards each of us, until the day we die. And then there is the problem they face of reconciling with me, that would take quite a change I fear at this juncture.
So now, Kris is down to a damaged relationship with Swede, probably no way to actually heal that one short of my death; Dutchman is still a solid friend but has no time anymore for family much less friends; my now departed best friend, well I am not willing to write them off quite yet; and let us not forget Gaelic Girl, whom left my life in 2009 and only pops up to shoot at me occasionally. Pretty good lifetime achievement there, no friends left, I am sure they all would quip at how I earned it at my grave side.
Well, be that as it may, I continue to hold my course to leave - selling off all I have, zeroing out my debts, and then? No idea, God hasn't bothered to tell me. Just one step at a time. I am glad I have had a lifetime of nothing on the inside of me, since only a shell still sits here, now devoid of even the warmth of knowing there was at least one person in this world whom actually cared or wanted to know me - half a year ago.
I was very lost in September because nothing was explained, they were just gone. Sure high level non personal chats were welcome but actual conversations never reoccurred. They never got to see what their January attack had done to me. To bad, as I told them, they might have liked the changes. Certainly, I am the most human I have ever been ... And today, I can not mourn what they killed half a year ago, nor for the new Kris they never bothered to know. No I have mourned for two weeks for them, for what they willingly put themselves through, for no reason what-so-ever. Now they mourn alone, and I still weep for them for they have cut off their one admitted last friend.
So, perhaps when i am past my surgery this fall I will be mobile enough to find a new best friend, but until then the position is open, my old best could think on coming back anytime and make an application. But it will never again be on their terms ...
I do not lose friends well, especially very close special friends. Especially a best friend, where the level of trust required is so high and so fragile. I have only lost two friends ever. One because of gossip done by well meaning people in the Church, was taken wrong by them (and really pissed me off!). The other I still mourn, their self image got in the way of friendship and desire no longer allowed for a Kris in their life.
The last friend I lost was in September, they would not articulate what was going on between us until January. And I took that rebuke to heart and fought very hard to recreate Kris. Too bad it was not until two weeks ago that I learned they had not had my best interest at heart at all, they just wanted me dead in their life! And for two weeks I have struggled to understand and find some way of helping them during a time of crisis, to be there for them as they never had been for me. I tried everything, even tough love, to no avail. And I could not figure this out, everything I said was turned into an attack, everything was used against me, I became the object of derision just for existing. It was not logical, it was not rational, it was ... I had to wonder if spiritual, and yes, I think it is the only explanation left.
Well, I should say that I certainly did get to see them with all of their layers of walls down and the truth on their lips. And it was at least nice to have truth at least once expressed by them. I wonder if they will be able to live with what they said, because it was a horrible condemnation upon themselves. They thought to strike out at me and unfortunately showed the poison of their own soul. For all their claims across their lifetime, one sentence silenced it all and I suddenly understood what I had been seeing for months but never could connect the dots of.
Of course, that is what God is good at, neutralizing the poisons in our lives. If we are willing to actually call upon him in earnest and not pretend. And that offer is still extended towards each of us, until the day we die. And then there is the problem they face of reconciling with me, that would take quite a change I fear at this juncture.
So now, Kris is down to a damaged relationship with Swede, probably no way to actually heal that one short of my death; Dutchman is still a solid friend but has no time anymore for family much less friends; my now departed best friend, well I am not willing to write them off quite yet; and let us not forget Gaelic Girl, whom left my life in 2009 and only pops up to shoot at me occasionally. Pretty good lifetime achievement there, no friends left, I am sure they all would quip at how I earned it at my grave side.
Well, be that as it may, I continue to hold my course to leave - selling off all I have, zeroing out my debts, and then? No idea, God hasn't bothered to tell me. Just one step at a time. I am glad I have had a lifetime of nothing on the inside of me, since only a shell still sits here, now devoid of even the warmth of knowing there was at least one person in this world whom actually cared or wanted to know me - half a year ago.
I was very lost in September because nothing was explained, they were just gone. Sure high level non personal chats were welcome but actual conversations never reoccurred. They never got to see what their January attack had done to me. To bad, as I told them, they might have liked the changes. Certainly, I am the most human I have ever been ... And today, I can not mourn what they killed half a year ago, nor for the new Kris they never bothered to know. No I have mourned for two weeks for them, for what they willingly put themselves through, for no reason what-so-ever. Now they mourn alone, and I still weep for them for they have cut off their one admitted last friend.
So, perhaps when i am past my surgery this fall I will be mobile enough to find a new best friend, but until then the position is open, my old best could think on coming back anytime and make an application. But it will never again be on their terms ...
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Wednesday
One of those argh! moments, what to blog today?
I know what I want to post but honestly it might hurt someone whose feelings I care about and have no desire to do that! Then it might not, but there is no way of telling any longer, so I must err on the side of caution.
Wednesday was one heck of a day though, I think it might have been the worse of my life and mind you that really says something! By the afternoon I was done in, nothing left, full deflation and the full expectation that not only had I lost a friend but also possibly to suicide as well. And nothing to be done ... it was like some horrible 1950's horror movie being played out around me. ACK! I hate Washington State and their &*(^#@ laws! And, I really do hope to hear they are alive as soon as possible this morning!
Today also marks the one week point of wearing this stinking leg and foot brace! It is so painful not to wear! It is so painful to wear! And, two more weeks before the first reset! How am I to make it to week 26 in this thing? Yeah, I realize that it is all that stands between me and losing my leg but still, must it be so painful? I am going to ice it and see if that helps. Probably get frostbite with my luck. Unfortunately, the right ankle broke in a second place tonight and the foot is fully now in 8 sections held together only by muscle, skin and the plantar. The pain was almost unbearable when it happened! So Lord only know what it would have felt like if the nerve damage was not so extensive. Gees! Yeah, the pain was so intense I had curled my toes on my left foot as I photo'ed the poor little guys.
Thirty-nine years ago my father married one of the sweetest women in his long line of wives. They were married just long enough for me to know that she was a keeper and as father went on continuing his efforts to marry every woman in Colorado State between 18 and 99, I kept her. She and I are still very close and I try to call her at least every couple of weeks. Wednesday night I called and this unfamiliar voice answered. I was a bit confused and she gave her married name, as she does try to protect her identity. It was my cousin whom is a current TV star and long time Hollywood actress. I was thrilled - in thirty-nine years she has never been in a conversation with me. So, kind of cool. Not because she is famous, but because she is a cousin I have never met, just heard a ton about through most of my life. I know her sister like my own sister, so it is cool to have one more on my active family list maybe.
Well, I started this five hours ago, so it is time for sleep ...
I know what I want to post but honestly it might hurt someone whose feelings I care about and have no desire to do that! Then it might not, but there is no way of telling any longer, so I must err on the side of caution.
Wednesday was one heck of a day though, I think it might have been the worse of my life and mind you that really says something! By the afternoon I was done in, nothing left, full deflation and the full expectation that not only had I lost a friend but also possibly to suicide as well. And nothing to be done ... it was like some horrible 1950's horror movie being played out around me. ACK! I hate Washington State and their &*(^#@ laws! And, I really do hope to hear they are alive as soon as possible this morning!
 | |
| Charcot Joint vs Normal |
Thirty-nine years ago my father married one of the sweetest women in his long line of wives. They were married just long enough for me to know that she was a keeper and as father went on continuing his efforts to marry every woman in Colorado State between 18 and 99, I kept her. She and I are still very close and I try to call her at least every couple of weeks. Wednesday night I called and this unfamiliar voice answered. I was a bit confused and she gave her married name, as she does try to protect her identity. It was my cousin whom is a current TV star and long time Hollywood actress. I was thrilled - in thirty-nine years she has never been in a conversation with me. So, kind of cool. Not because she is famous, but because she is a cousin I have never met, just heard a ton about through most of my life. I know her sister like my own sister, so it is cool to have one more on my active family list maybe.
Well, I started this five hours ago, so it is time for sleep ...
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Spirit of "---"
Last week I mentioned that one of my friends is involved in an activity which is common to the distraction of the Christian by evil and almost always ends with the Christian being mislead and ultimately defeated by that same evil. The activity is Spiritual Warfare and how Christians get mislead is by seeing demons behind every yowling cat or flickering leaf. Seeing evil becomes their focus - not the Sovereignty of God nor the Deity of Jesus - which we are told to concentrate on.
My dear sister Becka went to a Christian missions training camp back in the early 1980's, she was going to serve in the underground church in Albania. She called me up so excited one night because she was learning about Spiritual Warfare and shared all. Now, I had never heard of such a thing, but I knew what she shared was in direct opposition to what the Bible tells us: flee from evil! This group was trying to hunt down Satan and make his efforts harder by turning people to God. My Bible tells me that Satan is an Angel and as such much more powerful than man. It would presume upon God to think He would back us up in attacking Satan, when we are told to flee from him in the first place! Hmmmmmmm ...
As for Becka, well she was ultimately defeated seeing demons behind the steering wheel of every car which got in her way on the freeway! She had taken her eyes off of God and literally was overcome by evil to such an extent that I was forced with her sister to institutionalize her and she is not "normal" to this day! So, I am leery of anyone whom tells me of their success in Spiritual Warfare, I have seen the Christian casualties and those whom are truly successful have nothing to brag about because they know the cost at which it came.
Unfortunately, for a few years, against my will, I was dragged into Spiritual Warfare. I do not care for it, I made all attempts to remain in-line Scripturally and I have to admit that there were some mighty odd encounters during that time frame which laid a very vivid foundation in me that evil is real, Satan is real and you had darn well better be drenched in Jesus blood if you expect to come out with your body, mind and soul intact!
I bang my drum against Western Theology and what America has done to destroy the Christian faith from the inside - corrupt Biblical teachers in its seminaries, publication of books for whom trees should have never died, all creating a shrinking Church because of the irrelevance of the Church today in the lives of the unbeliever (which includes most in a church service these days!). And if the Church is irrelevant, so are your testimony and witness - because the Church has nothing to offer a lost world other than promises of materialism any longer or open acceptance of your sin. Yeah, let us openly celebrate sin in the Church!
This is called the Spirit of Adultery.
The Church has left God and is following another doctrine, another god, another lover. The vast majority of what is Christendom today will not fare well before God come judgment day I fear.
Anyone out there think they can turn an adulterous Church around? Me either, but I can and do pray for God to raise up a revival - i just do not see it happening though and I worry as to why. Is there no one gift of evangelism any longer? Is the Holy Spirit no longer moving amongst us?
There are lots of "spirits" out there. But the Bible covers what I just talked about - a corrupt people overcome by adultery to a false god (and boy do we have false gods by the handfuls these days!). In fact it would seem that most of the Ten Commandments seem to have at their heart spirits or what we can call demons.
God is concerned about Himself and His relationship to us. (idolatry)
God is concerned that we appropriately respect His image He has built into each of us. (murder, adultery, theft)
God is concerned when our focus is wrong. (pride, jealousy, envy, greed, coveting)
God is concerned that we respect marriage. (adultery)
God is concerned that we respect our bodies in purity of mind, thought and deed. (adultery)
God is concerned that we respect what is our neighbors. (adultery, theft, false testimony, coveting)
So you seeing the trend here? What are the biggies of sin before God, all can have compelling, driving spiritual forces behind them! But, you are not just suddenly afflicted out of the blue! No you actually have to ask them for their help in dragging you down, which they will do willingly - fortunately, rare is the person whom would do this willingly!
Take lying. I have known world class liars, they had NO ability not to lie, they were compelled to lie and could not understand why they always lied. It was not until I became involved in a war against evil that I suddenly understood a few things:
My father was not a liar because he lied.
My father lied because he was a liar.
The spirit which drove him was one of lies, he never recognized this because he could not understand.
He had invited that spirit to help him lie because he wanted to lie and was willing to play evil's game.
In the end he never could see because he was blinded by this spirit.
And not being a Christian, could never have free himself (or be freed) from it.
Substitute your sin of choice in here and see how it reads out:
I was not an idolator became I was proud.
I was proud in my spirit because I was an idolator.
In being proud or participating willing in sin, I set myself up for oppression by evil, in this case pride. (idolatry)
(I have to use past tense here because that was shattered in my life in January. And the one person I wish whom could understand and see this ... well I fear is past tense was well. In fact, there is so little left of old me any longer ... )
What is important to understand here is that spiritual oppression, or possession, is the direct result of willingly falling into sin. My fall was when my church turned on me and fired me as a pastor because I believed in the Holy Spirit (I refused to say the Holy Spirit was no longer active in the believer's life), my bride left me for my best friend, my friends at church abandoned me because I was in sin to had been disfellowshipped and my father believing me to be in idiot ordered me home and told me I was marrying a girl from the House of Burgundy! No, sorry no lurid tales of sin here, I was in flat out rebellion to God because He had stripped me of everything. I hated God.
And I had lots of future problems thanks to that period of "Good Bye to God".
I had to learn that there are consequences for every act of rebellion. Nothing in my life did not affect those I cared for or whom surrounded me. Sin always comes at a cost and one of them was my opening myself up to spiritual oppression.
So what to do? You are suffering in this life trapped by a spirit of "---". And not only are you not unaware of it but you have been lied to by Western Theology that you are strong enough to stand up to the very spirit which is oppressing you. You probably have no idea if you are opposed or even what it is unless you can see yourself objectively. And when you can, well, you need some Christian friends to help overcome this.
Your friends help, you are "freed", now what?
You had better be darn sure that you are now in right standing with God.
You had better be darn sure you renounce any and every sin you have ever thought of or committed, and confessed all!
You had better have someone in place to be held accountable by!
These are not trivial matters, nor to be taken lightly.
I could write so much more, this is just the basics of a world that is not well defined for us and so much garbage you can read comes from the superstitions within the Roman Catholic Church, the corrupt Western Church and Hollywood.
Stay away from sin, if you can.
If you fall back into sin, you set yourself up for failure right off the bat.
Run if you are opposed.
Stand strong if you have to face the demonic world.
Understand that you have No authority or power over the spiritual world, only Jesus does.
Remember, demonic fate was sealed long ago.
My dear sister Becka went to a Christian missions training camp back in the early 1980's, she was going to serve in the underground church in Albania. She called me up so excited one night because she was learning about Spiritual Warfare and shared all. Now, I had never heard of such a thing, but I knew what she shared was in direct opposition to what the Bible tells us: flee from evil! This group was trying to hunt down Satan and make his efforts harder by turning people to God. My Bible tells me that Satan is an Angel and as such much more powerful than man. It would presume upon God to think He would back us up in attacking Satan, when we are told to flee from him in the first place! Hmmmmmmm ...
As for Becka, well she was ultimately defeated seeing demons behind the steering wheel of every car which got in her way on the freeway! She had taken her eyes off of God and literally was overcome by evil to such an extent that I was forced with her sister to institutionalize her and she is not "normal" to this day! So, I am leery of anyone whom tells me of their success in Spiritual Warfare, I have seen the Christian casualties and those whom are truly successful have nothing to brag about because they know the cost at which it came.
Unfortunately, for a few years, against my will, I was dragged into Spiritual Warfare. I do not care for it, I made all attempts to remain in-line Scripturally and I have to admit that there were some mighty odd encounters during that time frame which laid a very vivid foundation in me that evil is real, Satan is real and you had darn well better be drenched in Jesus blood if you expect to come out with your body, mind and soul intact!
I bang my drum against Western Theology and what America has done to destroy the Christian faith from the inside - corrupt Biblical teachers in its seminaries, publication of books for whom trees should have never died, all creating a shrinking Church because of the irrelevance of the Church today in the lives of the unbeliever (which includes most in a church service these days!). And if the Church is irrelevant, so are your testimony and witness - because the Church has nothing to offer a lost world other than promises of materialism any longer or open acceptance of your sin. Yeah, let us openly celebrate sin in the Church!
This is called the Spirit of Adultery.
The Church has left God and is following another doctrine, another god, another lover. The vast majority of what is Christendom today will not fare well before God come judgment day I fear.
Anyone out there think they can turn an adulterous Church around? Me either, but I can and do pray for God to raise up a revival - i just do not see it happening though and I worry as to why. Is there no one gift of evangelism any longer? Is the Holy Spirit no longer moving amongst us?
There are lots of "spirits" out there. But the Bible covers what I just talked about - a corrupt people overcome by adultery to a false god (and boy do we have false gods by the handfuls these days!). In fact it would seem that most of the Ten Commandments seem to have at their heart spirits or what we can call demons.
God is concerned about Himself and His relationship to us. (idolatry)
God is concerned that we appropriately respect His image He has built into each of us. (murder, adultery, theft)
God is concerned when our focus is wrong. (pride, jealousy, envy, greed, coveting)
God is concerned that we respect marriage. (adultery)
God is concerned that we respect our bodies in purity of mind, thought and deed. (adultery)
God is concerned that we respect what is our neighbors. (adultery, theft, false testimony, coveting)
So you seeing the trend here? What are the biggies of sin before God, all can have compelling, driving spiritual forces behind them! But, you are not just suddenly afflicted out of the blue! No you actually have to ask them for their help in dragging you down, which they will do willingly - fortunately, rare is the person whom would do this willingly!
Take lying. I have known world class liars, they had NO ability not to lie, they were compelled to lie and could not understand why they always lied. It was not until I became involved in a war against evil that I suddenly understood a few things:
My father was not a liar because he lied.
My father lied because he was a liar.
The spirit which drove him was one of lies, he never recognized this because he could not understand.
He had invited that spirit to help him lie because he wanted to lie and was willing to play evil's game.
In the end he never could see because he was blinded by this spirit.
And not being a Christian, could never have free himself (or be freed) from it.
Substitute your sin of choice in here and see how it reads out:
I was not an idolator became I was proud.
I was proud in my spirit because I was an idolator.
In being proud or participating willing in sin, I set myself up for oppression by evil, in this case pride. (idolatry)
(I have to use past tense here because that was shattered in my life in January. And the one person I wish whom could understand and see this ... well I fear is past tense was well. In fact, there is so little left of old me any longer ... )
What is important to understand here is that spiritual oppression, or possession, is the direct result of willingly falling into sin. My fall was when my church turned on me and fired me as a pastor because I believed in the Holy Spirit (I refused to say the Holy Spirit was no longer active in the believer's life), my bride left me for my best friend, my friends at church abandoned me because I was in sin to had been disfellowshipped and my father believing me to be in idiot ordered me home and told me I was marrying a girl from the House of Burgundy! No, sorry no lurid tales of sin here, I was in flat out rebellion to God because He had stripped me of everything. I hated God.
And I had lots of future problems thanks to that period of "Good Bye to God".
I had to learn that there are consequences for every act of rebellion. Nothing in my life did not affect those I cared for or whom surrounded me. Sin always comes at a cost and one of them was my opening myself up to spiritual oppression.
So what to do? You are suffering in this life trapped by a spirit of "---". And not only are you not unaware of it but you have been lied to by Western Theology that you are strong enough to stand up to the very spirit which is oppressing you. You probably have no idea if you are opposed or even what it is unless you can see yourself objectively. And when you can, well, you need some Christian friends to help overcome this.
Your friends help, you are "freed", now what?
You had better be darn sure that you are now in right standing with God.
You had better be darn sure you renounce any and every sin you have ever thought of or committed, and confessed all!
You had better have someone in place to be held accountable by!
These are not trivial matters, nor to be taken lightly.
I could write so much more, this is just the basics of a world that is not well defined for us and so much garbage you can read comes from the superstitions within the Roman Catholic Church, the corrupt Western Church and Hollywood.
Stay away from sin, if you can.
If you fall back into sin, you set yourself up for failure right off the bat.
Run if you are opposed.
Stand strong if you have to face the demonic world.
Understand that you have No authority or power over the spiritual world, only Jesus does.
Remember, demonic fate was sealed long ago.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
The Bible On Friendship
Proverbs 18:24
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
John 15:12-15
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 12:26
A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
James 4:4
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
Job 16:20-21
My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
John 15:12-15
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 12:26
A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
James 4:4
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
Job 16:20-21
My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.
Monday, March 24, 2014
In The Last Days
Back to reading in 2 Timothy today, 2 Timothy 3:1 - 9
But understand this ... in the last days ...
All of the new testament writers believed there were in the last days!
Some pointed to Jesus' birth as the start of them.
Others to his resurrection!
Thus as a believer in these last days:
EXPECT Misdirected Love
Replacing love will be Self, Money, Pleasures, Sex, no love for God
Problems of the heart
Idolatry, where anything and everything takes the place of God in your life
Our culture is all about "Me" and "Mine"
Love has been turned upside down to be physical and not relational
We are to love:
Think on Hosea and Gomer.
A man married to a woman whom could not come home
The picture from God of Himself and an unfaithful nation of His people
Continually reaching out, continually being rejected, continually running away.
And God continues to reach out in love, but love is no longer understood.
EXPECT Gutted Godliness
"Having the appearance of Godliness but denying its power"
EXPECT Tainted Truth
Charlatans will creep in with stealth
Capturing the attention of vulnerable women (be watchful ladies!)
Compared to the sorcerers whom opposed Moses, through counterfeit miracles
All pronouncing the biggest lie:
They will be exposed
The world will come to an end
And God wins!
Now, let also include John 15:10!
If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love.
This one is a bit hard. Look at your life and evaluate where you are in keeping what Jesus has said he expects of you. Did you have to justify your life?
Welcome to the Last Days ...
It is time to get real with your faith.
But understand this ... in the last days ...
All of the new testament writers believed there were in the last days!
Some pointed to Jesus' birth as the start of them.
Others to his resurrection!
Thus as a believer in these last days:
EXPECT Misdirected Love
Replacing love will be Self, Money, Pleasures, Sex, no love for God
Problems of the heart
Idolatry, where anything and everything takes the place of God in your life
Our culture is all about "Me" and "Mine"
Love has been turned upside down to be physical and not relational
We are to love:
- The Lord God
- Neighbor as yourself
Think on Hosea and Gomer.
A man married to a woman whom could not come home
The picture from God of Himself and an unfaithful nation of His people
Continually reaching out, continually being rejected, continually running away.
And God continues to reach out in love, but love is no longer understood.
EXPECT Gutted Godliness
"Having the appearance of Godliness but denying its power"
- We must avoid pretenders
- They go through the motions
- They want mountain top experiences
- They want the good experiences
- They want the protection wealth provides
- Then they want to die like Lazarus and be comforted in luxury by God!
EXPECT Tainted Truth
Charlatans will creep in with stealth
Capturing the attention of vulnerable women (be watchful ladies!)
Compared to the sorcerers whom opposed Moses, through counterfeit miracles
All pronouncing the biggest lie:
- East Drink and Merry for tomorrow you may die (with no hereafter!)
They will be exposed
The world will come to an end
And God wins!
Now, let also include John 15:10!
If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love.
This one is a bit hard. Look at your life and evaluate where you are in keeping what Jesus has said he expects of you. Did you have to justify your life?
Welcome to the Last Days ...
It is time to get real with your faith.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Musical Saturday Morning
Today's selection comes from one of my weirdo groups I really like, Laibach. Their history is documented elsewhere in this blog, so we can skip the history section.
Song was written by John Lennon back in late 1967, I believe, however was not one of their even remotely popular songs. Hence probably why it became fodder for a Yugoslavian protest group.
Laibach was an all male group and the addition of Mina Špiler, a Yugoslavian hard rocker noted more her unintelligible songs and lack of clothing, was the coup d' grace for this piece. She cleans up well it seems. The young men were part of what was called the Opus Dei Choir and did several songs with Laibach.
Enjoy some beauty ... and more than a little weirdness! Hey if it was normal it would not be Laibach! The ending is a bit weird until you remember that John Lennon was into Transcendental Meditation, which ascribe no validity to, however, this is a tribute to Lennon and a piece of art they were creating ...
Of course as recent history has shown:
if God does move and gets in your life and face,
everything will indeed change in your world ...
Song was written by John Lennon back in late 1967, I believe, however was not one of their even remotely popular songs. Hence probably why it became fodder for a Yugoslavian protest group.
Laibach was an all male group and the addition of Mina Špiler, a Yugoslavian hard rocker noted more her unintelligible songs and lack of clothing, was the coup d' grace for this piece. She cleans up well it seems. The young men were part of what was called the Opus Dei Choir and did several songs with Laibach.
Enjoy some beauty ... and more than a little weirdness! Hey if it was normal it would not be Laibach! The ending is a bit weird until you remember that John Lennon was into Transcendental Meditation, which ascribe no validity to, however, this is a tribute to Lennon and a piece of art they were creating ...
Of course as recent history has shown:
if God does move and gets in your life and face,
everything will indeed change in your world ...
Friday, March 21, 2014
Nervous
I have only once been a cast, it really did not go well. It was for my right arm and 18 months later I was given my arm back so that I could then have elbow surgery, then go back into a cast for 6 more weeks and then they returned this grey alien arm to me! Prior to that I have been a mountain climber, I climbed mountains or in caves almost every other weekend at the least! And not with a grey skinny alien arm ...
Professionally that was what moved me from writing large computer operating systems to project management. Yeah, take an introverted techie geek and give him 39 employees to manage. Really?!?!? I still owe a few of them some apologies.
Friday at 11:45 i will be fitted for the first of an expected 27 casts in a series to realign my ankle joint and merge the fragments of my right foot back together. I am not looking forward to this. The lady at church whom does this for a living told me to expect the most excruciating year of my life. Really? I really need this!
So, every two weeks a new cast to further compress the parts and realign slightly all of the pieces back together. Of course, having a foot I can walk on again will be nice at the nearest future date PLEASE GOD!
Professionally that was what moved me from writing large computer operating systems to project management. Yeah, take an introverted techie geek and give him 39 employees to manage. Really?!?!? I still owe a few of them some apologies.
Friday at 11:45 i will be fitted for the first of an expected 27 casts in a series to realign my ankle joint and merge the fragments of my right foot back together. I am not looking forward to this. The lady at church whom does this for a living told me to expect the most excruciating year of my life. Really? I really need this!
So, every two weeks a new cast to further compress the parts and realign slightly all of the pieces back together. Of course, having a foot I can walk on again will be nice at the nearest future date PLEASE GOD!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Pride and Arrogance
It was just after my birthday this year, when I was surprisingly killed by a friend. I never saw it coming, when it happened - I listened because their opinion matters to me, and because God does use our friends as well:
Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
I have mentioned this episode several times because it was a source of shock. But nothng could have prepared me for what one of "my boys" sent last night:
"Had my old boss over and sitting across the dinner table from me. Asked him if I wasn't a very good employee? He said "well, I fired you 3 times didn't I?
Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
I have mentioned this episode several times because it was a source of shock. But nothng could have prepared me for what one of "my boys" sent last night:
"Had my old boss over and sitting across the dinner table from me. Asked him if I wasn't a very good employee? He said "well, I fired you 3 times didn't I?
A long conversation commenced and I am here to say that I was convicted in my soul. Arrogance.
I want to tell all the people out there that have experienced my rudeness, brashness and thoughtlessness that I can see it now and understand the animosity I've created.
My apologies go out first to my family and those who have known me the longest. Next to my old flames and the loves of my life - two former wives. Who put up with the most. Then to the rest of you all that I have offended. Had I to do it over again, I would have been different all along the way"
Now in his 50's he was been a source of tremendous amounts of prayer in my life. He never understood that he is not 16 anymore and needed to step up and accept responsibility. He is not a Christian and has lived a solid pagan lifestyle and literally threw a fine mind and all potential away in a drug fueled lifetime.
Yeah, I know the process, I know the feeling of seeing yourself through the truth of someone else's eyes for the first time.
Back in January, confused, abandoned and then attacked - I sought God because their words could not possibly be true. And I could lick my wounds and know that they were lies but not why they had been directed at me. Then came the second attack and it was all over for me.
Like this man whom wrote me last night, God showed me, me: Proud, Arrogant, everything I hate in life - I had become. My boxes of awards and even the royalties I live off of now - all fueled the development of an arrogant and proud spirit before my fellow man - and unfortunately God himself. Sure I have a brain and know how to use it, but I never learned how to use a heart - once I had been given one.
I was shattered and emptied. I was suddenly a shell. There was nothing left in me. All there was in left in my life was two friends with no time for me and a raging Gaelic Girl to be sure I never have another positive comment in my life ever again. As for the one whom vanquished me, well they never knew what they had done - nor the cost I paid then and continue to recover from.
Yeah the young man from 1977, will once again have me query him about interest in God, he gets that from me every year but maybe this time he might be more open.
As for me, the old Kris' death began in 2013 and his burial was in January due to a broken spirit. In my personal life I am still struggling having to make make life changing choices in a vacuum, knowing that in 29 hours the end of my year will be sealed when i go into that cast and have no one I can rely on locally.
Yup it has been a challenging year.
Sigh ...
I want to tell all the people out there that have experienced my rudeness, brashness and thoughtlessness that I can see it now and understand the animosity I've created.
My apologies go out first to my family and those who have known me the longest. Next to my old flames and the loves of my life - two former wives. Who put up with the most. Then to the rest of you all that I have offended. Had I to do it over again, I would have been different all along the way"
Now in his 50's he was been a source of tremendous amounts of prayer in my life. He never understood that he is not 16 anymore and needed to step up and accept responsibility. He is not a Christian and has lived a solid pagan lifestyle and literally threw a fine mind and all potential away in a drug fueled lifetime.
Yeah, I know the process, I know the feeling of seeing yourself through the truth of someone else's eyes for the first time.
Back in January, confused, abandoned and then attacked - I sought God because their words could not possibly be true. And I could lick my wounds and know that they were lies but not why they had been directed at me. Then came the second attack and it was all over for me.
Like this man whom wrote me last night, God showed me, me: Proud, Arrogant, everything I hate in life - I had become. My boxes of awards and even the royalties I live off of now - all fueled the development of an arrogant and proud spirit before my fellow man - and unfortunately God himself. Sure I have a brain and know how to use it, but I never learned how to use a heart - once I had been given one.
I was shattered and emptied. I was suddenly a shell. There was nothing left in me. All there was in left in my life was two friends with no time for me and a raging Gaelic Girl to be sure I never have another positive comment in my life ever again. As for the one whom vanquished me, well they never knew what they had done - nor the cost I paid then and continue to recover from.
Yeah the young man from 1977, will once again have me query him about interest in God, he gets that from me every year but maybe this time he might be more open.
As for me, the old Kris' death began in 2013 and his burial was in January due to a broken spirit. In my personal life I am still struggling having to make make life changing choices in a vacuum, knowing that in 29 hours the end of my year will be sealed when i go into that cast and have no one I can rely on locally.
Yup it has been a challenging year.
Sigh ...
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Love In Action
If you are even an irregular reader, you know that I have been writing about what has been one of the hardest lessons of my life - my assassination at the hands of another and God's demands to use me as a vehicle of mercy for that person. It has not gone well, is still in motion and I have no idea where things go in the short term - long term, yeah I can have some confidence in.
And it seems daily I am learning quite a bit, so I want to post what I am learning, for me to reread later. If you enjoy watching Kris self implode, enjoy ...
Back home from my uncomfortable lunchtime yesterday, I retired to the bath to soak my leg, reading and praying over 1 John, in particular chapters 4, 5 and 6. John is describing love in all of its contexts. Might have been nice to be able to have used those in my discussions at lunch. Sigh ... And this triggered a memory of many discussions, teaching and lectures from my current pastor over resent years:
2 Timothy 2:23 - 26
The short of it:
Certainly makes sense. No one likes being argued with. No one likes being lectured. And getting involved in controversy will only push others away from truth, not towards it. And because I was so black and white in my viewpoints on all things in life:
What do you do when you are solidly right and "they" are so dead wrong?
Stop Arguing
Avoid controversies which will lead to quarrels.
Our job is not to win arguments but to continually point to Jesus.
Do not fight.
Do not be quarrelsome.
Strife will lead to ego problems.
Controversy is viewpoint issues.
Be cautious in:
One of my two favorite quotes from James:
Be quick to listen, slow to speak.
Teach:
Patience:
Gentleness:
Wait
Satan has the unique ability to blind us to the sin (rebellion to God) he is leading us towards.
We must show compassion.
-----
In the end, I was able to restate my lunchtime conversation in a much better and simpler manner, with truth from my heart over the situation. However, I received no response, so I imagine either they are still angry with me or really do not care, perhaps both. Which is a shame. I was never the enemy here, just one of the many victims ...
And it seems daily I am learning quite a bit, so I want to post what I am learning, for me to reread later. If you enjoy watching Kris self implode, enjoy ...
Back home from my uncomfortable lunchtime yesterday, I retired to the bath to soak my leg, reading and praying over 1 John, in particular chapters 4, 5 and 6. John is describing love in all of its contexts. Might have been nice to be able to have used those in my discussions at lunch. Sigh ... And this triggered a memory of many discussions, teaching and lectures from my current pastor over resent years:
2 Timothy 2:23 - 26
The short of it:
- Avoid controversies
- Teach
- Do not argue
Certainly makes sense. No one likes being argued with. No one likes being lectured. And getting involved in controversy will only push others away from truth, not towards it. And because I was so black and white in my viewpoints on all things in life:
What do you do when you are solidly right and "they" are so dead wrong?
Stop Arguing
Avoid controversies which will lead to quarrels.
Our job is not to win arguments but to continually point to Jesus.
Do not fight.
Do not be quarrelsome.
Strife will lead to ego problems.
Controversy is viewpoint issues.
Be cautious in:
- Grey areas of faith.
- What might not be sin (rebellion against God).
- Knowing what is really sin and what is not.
One of my two favorite quotes from James:
Be quick to listen, slow to speak.
- Respond, do not just react
- Be approachable to everyone.
Teach:
- Stand for truth always.
- Do not let controversy turn into strife!
Patience:
- Allow others to express themselves.
- Show love.
- Drive for resolution.
- Know that you are human, and so are they!
Gentleness:
- Be slow to take offense.
- Be quick to forgive their attack.
- No one likes being corrected.
Wait
Satan has the unique ability to blind us to the sin (rebellion to God) he is leading us towards.
- We will be tricked into not seeing the true impact of our sin.
- We will no longer be able to see or know truth during this time.
- Sin separates us from God, period.
We must show compassion.
- Only God can change a human heart, not our words, wishes or deeds.
- We are to call them out of sin and back to God.
- God will lead them as they are willing to be led.
-----
In the end, I was able to restate my lunchtime conversation in a much better and simpler manner, with truth from my heart over the situation. However, I received no response, so I imagine either they are still angry with me or really do not care, perhaps both. Which is a shame. I was never the enemy here, just one of the many victims ...
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Forgiveness
I thought I knew pain, until I was sucker punched.
I thought I knew relational boundaries, until God over-rode mine.
I thought I knew trust and what it was not.
Throughout life my response has always been the same to questions of trust, integrity and honesty - violate mine and good bye. A very simple credo to live by, black and white, and works well for me, no extended drawn out dramas damaging everyone more and more. I have absolutely no problem having no friends, that has been my life - a few close friends, many acquaintances and many more whom I used to know. Until now.
But what if you are compelled from above, not only to forgive but to actively seek that person's healing, to surprisingly share in their pain? A week ago, my reply would have been a snort because I know this is impossible. Today, not so much.
I am a shattered remnant of what I was in January, very little is left of me after I was gutted and left for dead by a friend with a bone to pick. I have sat in shock since, watching, trying to figure out what happened, and God continued to feed me all I do not want to know, until I finally broke last week. This time, it would have been Argentina, except for that darn leg problem! God, can be quite merciless at times. Trapped by a bum leg, forced to know everything I have no desire to, to see, to know, to feel - to then be given empathy for whom God wants drawn back. Really? And my twin natures tearing me apart within me - loving concern and protective self interest!
You have no idea how hard it was on Friday. I tried to be nice, it did not work. Okay, change wordings, change tactics, change tone. Finally to be blunt. I have no idea how many times or what eventually got through, maybe God's Spirit? Saying anything crass and crude is so hard for me, completely violating my Teutonic upbringing! Good Lord! What Miss Lobb, my Canadian teacher, would have done to me Friday!
And God is supplying me with seemingly endless supplies of grace and mercy, shoring me up for our first real meeting in many months. Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I want to throw up.
As I write this, I have no idea where this day or week is going, so many unanswered questions, so much pressure from all sides and I am a force of one here!
----- So I imagined that my luncheon would not occur. It didn't, no one ate but at least there was a time for talk but not conversation. I could have done better with conversation rather than icicle talking rounds and trying to correct impressions. I hope it was helpful in some regard because the price on me was a bit high for them to just shrug it off.
My forgiveness was commanded, no argument allowed! And, I did, I gave and I asked for forgiveness for the very first time in my life (I think).
I have no doubts that I managed to shoot both of my feet off during the event. I would have done better not going at all, but God seems so dead set on my participation that you just know I will pay for this as well - No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished ... one of my Danish great uncles favorite statements. Ah well, the entire point of this was for their healing and long term spiritual health.
And I do pray that may be so, but if not - my continued prayer will be their return and another chance to try again to argue from God's perspective...
I thought I knew relational boundaries, until God over-rode mine.
I thought I knew trust and what it was not.
Throughout life my response has always been the same to questions of trust, integrity and honesty - violate mine and good bye. A very simple credo to live by, black and white, and works well for me, no extended drawn out dramas damaging everyone more and more. I have absolutely no problem having no friends, that has been my life - a few close friends, many acquaintances and many more whom I used to know. Until now.
But what if you are compelled from above, not only to forgive but to actively seek that person's healing, to surprisingly share in their pain? A week ago, my reply would have been a snort because I know this is impossible. Today, not so much.
I am a shattered remnant of what I was in January, very little is left of me after I was gutted and left for dead by a friend with a bone to pick. I have sat in shock since, watching, trying to figure out what happened, and God continued to feed me all I do not want to know, until I finally broke last week. This time, it would have been Argentina, except for that darn leg problem! God, can be quite merciless at times. Trapped by a bum leg, forced to know everything I have no desire to, to see, to know, to feel - to then be given empathy for whom God wants drawn back. Really? And my twin natures tearing me apart within me - loving concern and protective self interest!
You have no idea how hard it was on Friday. I tried to be nice, it did not work. Okay, change wordings, change tactics, change tone. Finally to be blunt. I have no idea how many times or what eventually got through, maybe God's Spirit? Saying anything crass and crude is so hard for me, completely violating my Teutonic upbringing! Good Lord! What Miss Lobb, my Canadian teacher, would have done to me Friday!
And God is supplying me with seemingly endless supplies of grace and mercy, shoring me up for our first real meeting in many months. Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I want to throw up.
As I write this, I have no idea where this day or week is going, so many unanswered questions, so much pressure from all sides and I am a force of one here!
----- So I imagined that my luncheon would not occur. It didn't, no one ate but at least there was a time for talk but not conversation. I could have done better with conversation rather than icicle talking rounds and trying to correct impressions. I hope it was helpful in some regard because the price on me was a bit high for them to just shrug it off.
My forgiveness was commanded, no argument allowed! And, I did, I gave and I asked for forgiveness for the very first time in my life (I think).
I have no doubts that I managed to shoot both of my feet off during the event. I would have done better not going at all, but God seems so dead set on my participation that you just know I will pay for this as well - No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished ... one of my Danish great uncles favorite statements. Ah well, the entire point of this was for their healing and long term spiritual health.
And I do pray that may be so, but if not - my continued prayer will be their return and another chance to try again to argue from God's perspective...
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tears
I hate crying, it always brings on a horrible headache and makes my eyes puffy and sting. Luckily it is not something I do very often. Up until this past year, I have only ever cried out of frustration.
The first time I ever cried was 1975, when I found my bride to be in bed with my best friend. I was not hurt or angry, I could not feel that, but I could know betrayal and the frustration of not being able to kill two people whom were a huge part of my life. My first tears ever and I have long since cursed myself for even shedding one over them.
I cried when my great-aunt died in 1998 - frustration at the evil of days man lives under. She was married to the Danish dairy farmer whom I lived with every summer of my childhood and credit with making me whatever I am today.
When my grandmother died in 2008, it was the end of the people I cared for in my life. She was the only person I had actually ever identified with, we were very much alike, both artists, both not understood by anyone in the family. I lost my twin with her passing. And I foresaw the frustration her loss would bring in my family and in my life.
At the daily frustration of dealing with my new daughter in 2011 and the blindness she possessed, unwilling to even see, much less admit truth. And God was pushing me to reach out to her - why then, why so important, she was so unwilling to listen or see anything other than what she chose to. I am still at a bit of a loss on that one.
When Gaelic Girl assassinated me in June 2012 because there was only poison in her words and not truth. Of course that was also the end of GG, though complete freedom awaits debt repayment, as fast as I am able.
And I have now been crying, for five straight day now, my first emotional tears of pain and heartbreak. No not for me but for the travails of a friend. And I try to reach out to help, no one should face crisis alone - but I am constantly pushed away. A prayer item. And maybe I have finally discovered what real friendship is - to have empathy for another. Empathy hurts when you can understand ...
Last Wednesday, I was pretty much a wreck, to the extent that I even offered to tell one of my friends at church a tale he would never believe - if he bought breakfast on Thursday. I needed someone to talk to. He was too busy with something I will not go into here, let us just say it is one of evil's many ways to busting Christian kneecaps and he is currently not listening. I retracted my offer in my mind, clearly I have no one I can count on anymore. I get it, Kris is a little hard to care about or deal with; known that my whole life. And so, I pray in a vacuum and live in a vacuum and there are no interactions other than just fluffy nonsense from my children or those currently my friends. No reality from anyone. I question God's constant pressure to remain here. But, I am trying to mend fences right now with a friend whom faded away.
I do not like finding this Kris to be needy, having something now inside of me that wants/desires to be with or around someone, to hold someone special in my life. This desire is alien to me. I fear this more and more, the closer I get to what might be normal. And I see God's hand smacking me constantly to mold me into someone I have never been nor known - to an end I can not anticipate. Death is so much more to be desired than this pain.
Of course, as time passes, so do "things". Perhaps a small step can be made in healing the relationship with a friend today.
The first time I ever cried was 1975, when I found my bride to be in bed with my best friend. I was not hurt or angry, I could not feel that, but I could know betrayal and the frustration of not being able to kill two people whom were a huge part of my life. My first tears ever and I have long since cursed myself for even shedding one over them.
I cried when my great-aunt died in 1998 - frustration at the evil of days man lives under. She was married to the Danish dairy farmer whom I lived with every summer of my childhood and credit with making me whatever I am today.
When my grandmother died in 2008, it was the end of the people I cared for in my life. She was the only person I had actually ever identified with, we were very much alike, both artists, both not understood by anyone in the family. I lost my twin with her passing. And I foresaw the frustration her loss would bring in my family and in my life.
At the daily frustration of dealing with my new daughter in 2011 and the blindness she possessed, unwilling to even see, much less admit truth. And God was pushing me to reach out to her - why then, why so important, she was so unwilling to listen or see anything other than what she chose to. I am still at a bit of a loss on that one.
When Gaelic Girl assassinated me in June 2012 because there was only poison in her words and not truth. Of course that was also the end of GG, though complete freedom awaits debt repayment, as fast as I am able.
And I have now been crying, for five straight day now, my first emotional tears of pain and heartbreak. No not for me but for the travails of a friend. And I try to reach out to help, no one should face crisis alone - but I am constantly pushed away. A prayer item. And maybe I have finally discovered what real friendship is - to have empathy for another. Empathy hurts when you can understand ...
Last Wednesday, I was pretty much a wreck, to the extent that I even offered to tell one of my friends at church a tale he would never believe - if he bought breakfast on Thursday. I needed someone to talk to. He was too busy with something I will not go into here, let us just say it is one of evil's many ways to busting Christian kneecaps and he is currently not listening. I retracted my offer in my mind, clearly I have no one I can count on anymore. I get it, Kris is a little hard to care about or deal with; known that my whole life. And so, I pray in a vacuum and live in a vacuum and there are no interactions other than just fluffy nonsense from my children or those currently my friends. No reality from anyone. I question God's constant pressure to remain here. But, I am trying to mend fences right now with a friend whom faded away.
I do not like finding this Kris to be needy, having something now inside of me that wants/desires to be with or around someone, to hold someone special in my life. This desire is alien to me. I fear this more and more, the closer I get to what might be normal. And I see God's hand smacking me constantly to mold me into someone I have never been nor known - to an end I can not anticipate. Death is so much more to be desired than this pain.
Of course, as time passes, so do "things". Perhaps a small step can be made in healing the relationship with a friend today.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Happy Birthday Daughter
Via the only vehicle you allow me.
Were you to ever visit, call, IMG, TXT, whatever, you would understand there is much to discuss.
No, I doubt you ever will.
But, I always hope for you to do what is right.
Happy Birthday into this next year of your life ...
tou padre
Were you to ever visit, call, IMG, TXT, whatever, you would understand there is much to discuss.
No, I doubt you ever will.
But, I always hope for you to do what is right.
Happy Birthday into this next year of your life ...
tou padre
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Musical Saturday Morning
One of those groups which although talented just never seems to have made it really big. A few hits but their songs never really seems to have caught on. And this is my apology for not doing a 1980's last weekend!
This video is full of symbolism and we seem to live in a culture where symbolism is no longer understood - everything has to be explained these days! But, I liked this video because well part of it is a story of me, part of it someone else. But, enjoy the symbolism:
Fixx frontman Cy Curnin reflected on its meaning in a 2008 interview:
"It was about looking at your own life, not so much about amassing material things but about experiences that lend you to be blissful... The song was written from the point of view of the release you get when you have nothing left to lose. It’s sort of a meditation. It clears your head of all fears and panics and illusions and you get back to the basics, which is a Buddhist mantra, which I practiced back then, and which I still do. The idea of the song is how great it is to get back to zero."
So figure out the symbolism yet?
This video is full of symbolism and we seem to live in a culture where symbolism is no longer understood - everything has to be explained these days! But, I liked this video because well part of it is a story of me, part of it someone else. But, enjoy the symbolism:
Fixx frontman Cy Curnin reflected on its meaning in a 2008 interview:
"It was about looking at your own life, not so much about amassing material things but about experiences that lend you to be blissful... The song was written from the point of view of the release you get when you have nothing left to lose. It’s sort of a meditation. It clears your head of all fears and panics and illusions and you get back to the basics, which is a Buddhist mantra, which I practiced back then, and which I still do. The idea of the song is how great it is to get back to zero."
So figure out the symbolism yet?
Friday, March 14, 2014
Shattered
Well, the original post i wrote for today, on Sunday, is now history - all plans are changed for the next year.
So, Wednesday all of my tests came in and the prognosis is not good. The four months of leg problems gave no clues to the doctors in the emergency room three times, my cardiologist figured out it was not drug related, my leg doctor - whom should known, was clueless and even my own doctor saw me three times before he asked if anyone had x-rayed the leg. Well no one had it took only moments in x-ray for them to figure out that:
And for the worse, I have developed Charcot's joint to just add further insult to the leg and foot problems, it now affecting my knee.
So, it looks like a very long immobilization, up to a year, in a non weight bearing brace. The theory is that the foot and ankle will heal enough in that time to be able to operate without requiring an operation.
Of course, I still expect to be on my own by the end of the year and somehow still need to sell off almost everything I own in order to delete all of my debt. Sigh, well I will have lots of time for eBay and Craigslist I guess!
On the other hand, I do need to finish my book this year and do massive amounts of painting. :)
Your prayers are gratefully accepted.
So, Wednesday all of my tests came in and the prognosis is not good. The four months of leg problems gave no clues to the doctors in the emergency room three times, my cardiologist figured out it was not drug related, my leg doctor - whom should known, was clueless and even my own doctor saw me three times before he asked if anyone had x-rayed the leg. Well no one had it took only moments in x-ray for them to figure out that:
- the foot is fragmented
- the ankle is broken
 |
| I was going to post a picture of my foot but this one is an exact duplicate of it! |
So, it looks like a very long immobilization, up to a year, in a non weight bearing brace. The theory is that the foot and ankle will heal enough in that time to be able to operate without requiring an operation.
Of course, I still expect to be on my own by the end of the year and somehow still need to sell off almost everything I own in order to delete all of my debt. Sigh, well I will have lots of time for eBay and Craigslist I guess!
On the other hand, I do need to finish my book this year and do massive amounts of painting. :)
Your prayers are gratefully accepted.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
The Drawn Out End
Sunday, I sat through what may well have been the worse sermon every given, from any pulpit, ever, in the history of Christendom. The guest speaker completely lost it and ended up telling us about how to do a brake job on a car. My daughters both asked what on earth he was talking about, once it was over! I felt sorry for him. I am guessing he just had not prepared very well, and well, it showed.
It is Sunday of this week, I know in my heart that I have to have a talk with Gaelic Girl, a talk I really never expected to ever have. But, as you saw yesterday, I never had to have that talk, GG did. So pressure off me in one regard - my conscience is clear, sorrow in all others however. From where I was on Sunday morning though, I was seeing I had to do something I am completely opposed to and unsure how I could do this without God - and I had no idea how to ask Him to help me terminate an almost lifelong friendship. This was so close to evil, but it had to be done. And in my entire life, I have only terminated a friendship once! It is that traumatic to me!
Hebrews 4:14 - 16
I was stuck in my mind, how do I approach God and ask the unspeakable? I need God's intervention; I have no clue what to do or say. I need before God to be blameless for whatever happens, but what I knew I had to do this, and I was left with great disappointment for myself. And as the poor speaker rambled on over the differences between pads and shoes - I thought on this well timed passage. If I could not approach God, certainly Jesus would on my behalf, He might have already done so. I thought more on this. I needed knowledge, I needed wisdom, I needed intervention.
And in the back of my mind, this over powering impression from December 2011, that April 1, 2014 marked something having to do with Gaelic Girl. I even still have a copy of note I had sent to Lucinda where I told her that if is all was true, then by April 2014 would see the removal of GG from my life. I always assumed this to mean her death, because I had seen she was gone. I never could have believed back in 2011, that she would walk away / abandon / tell me to leave. Because I trusted her completely back then. Yeah, well all things change I guess. Even on Friday, I was still sure she was going to be removed by death, because even as weird as she has become, her mental illness makes it only more reasonable she would do something stupid. And stupid is not discouraged in America. And death is easier to handle than a confrontation. Yeah, I know I am a mess.
In the context of Judaism, the High Priest was the one whom could once a year go into the Holy of Holies and present the sacrifice before God's presence. I remember as a teenager, my Rabbi telling me about how they used to tie a rope around the High Priests leg so that if he died in the presence of God, due to sin, the rabbis could drag him back out by rope and find someone with fewer problems to approach God on behalf of the Jewish nation.
And Jesus was sin free, nothing keeps him from approaching God. While the High Priests on Earth lived fairly secluded lives, Jesus lived amongst us - saw, felt, did as we all do, save for being innocent in the end (unlike us!).
Therefore the High Priest, whom with fear and trembling would approach God on hand and knee in the Holy of Holies - Jesus is completely approachable, just as God is to Him.
Hmmmm, our intermediary to God, someone whom understands me as a human, because He has been there. Someone whom understands God, because He is a part of Him. He can explain what I can not. He can work this evil swirling around me, to good - albeit His good.
I turned GG and her problems over to God in 2010 because it is beyond my abilities to address, much less respond to. I grew up in a home where mental illness was a way of life. I understand it. But, I no more have the ability to do anything about the dysfunction in my parents home, than I am to address it in this home.
As it turned out, it was painful for me to endure GG's attack but God did work it out, at least from the standpoint of my conscience.
Slowly, all of the children will have to come to understand that the idea of GG and me being used in the same sentence, much less around one another, is no longer valid. For me I have no problem for the children's sake of being around GG at family events, but I know GG will. She will posture herself as the victim of my insanity. She is big on justifying everything to herself and others. Appearance as a victim has always been important to her. Whatever.
So this morning, I feel like I am on the other side of this trauma. Oh yeah, it will make most of this year to get past what must be done, but it is doable. I have no doubt there will be many more displays of mental illness and character assassinations, but it is over now inside of me.
Of course, nothing is timed so well as when you actually are in desperate need - and you suddenly find the absence of those whom you were counting on to help you get through this. It is so pronounced that I could have called this post, The Vanishing ...
It is Sunday of this week, I know in my heart that I have to have a talk with Gaelic Girl, a talk I really never expected to ever have. But, as you saw yesterday, I never had to have that talk, GG did. So pressure off me in one regard - my conscience is clear, sorrow in all others however. From where I was on Sunday morning though, I was seeing I had to do something I am completely opposed to and unsure how I could do this without God - and I had no idea how to ask Him to help me terminate an almost lifelong friendship. This was so close to evil, but it had to be done. And in my entire life, I have only terminated a friendship once! It is that traumatic to me!
Hebrews 4:14 - 16
I was stuck in my mind, how do I approach God and ask the unspeakable? I need God's intervention; I have no clue what to do or say. I need before God to be blameless for whatever happens, but what I knew I had to do this, and I was left with great disappointment for myself. And as the poor speaker rambled on over the differences between pads and shoes - I thought on this well timed passage. If I could not approach God, certainly Jesus would on my behalf, He might have already done so. I thought more on this. I needed knowledge, I needed wisdom, I needed intervention.
And in the back of my mind, this over powering impression from December 2011, that April 1, 2014 marked something having to do with Gaelic Girl. I even still have a copy of note I had sent to Lucinda where I told her that if is all was true, then by April 2014 would see the removal of GG from my life. I always assumed this to mean her death, because I had seen she was gone. I never could have believed back in 2011, that she would walk away / abandon / tell me to leave. Because I trusted her completely back then. Yeah, well all things change I guess. Even on Friday, I was still sure she was going to be removed by death, because even as weird as she has become, her mental illness makes it only more reasonable she would do something stupid. And stupid is not discouraged in America. And death is easier to handle than a confrontation. Yeah, I know I am a mess.
In the context of Judaism, the High Priest was the one whom could once a year go into the Holy of Holies and present the sacrifice before God's presence. I remember as a teenager, my Rabbi telling me about how they used to tie a rope around the High Priests leg so that if he died in the presence of God, due to sin, the rabbis could drag him back out by rope and find someone with fewer problems to approach God on behalf of the Jewish nation.
And Jesus was sin free, nothing keeps him from approaching God. While the High Priests on Earth lived fairly secluded lives, Jesus lived amongst us - saw, felt, did as we all do, save for being innocent in the end (unlike us!).
Therefore the High Priest, whom with fear and trembling would approach God on hand and knee in the Holy of Holies - Jesus is completely approachable, just as God is to Him.
Hmmmm, our intermediary to God, someone whom understands me as a human, because He has been there. Someone whom understands God, because He is a part of Him. He can explain what I can not. He can work this evil swirling around me, to good - albeit His good.
I turned GG and her problems over to God in 2010 because it is beyond my abilities to address, much less respond to. I grew up in a home where mental illness was a way of life. I understand it. But, I no more have the ability to do anything about the dysfunction in my parents home, than I am to address it in this home.
As it turned out, it was painful for me to endure GG's attack but God did work it out, at least from the standpoint of my conscience.
Slowly, all of the children will have to come to understand that the idea of GG and me being used in the same sentence, much less around one another, is no longer valid. For me I have no problem for the children's sake of being around GG at family events, but I know GG will. She will posture herself as the victim of my insanity. She is big on justifying everything to herself and others. Appearance as a victim has always been important to her. Whatever.
So this morning, I feel like I am on the other side of this trauma. Oh yeah, it will make most of this year to get past what must be done, but it is doable. I have no doubt there will be many more displays of mental illness and character assassinations, but it is over now inside of me.
Of course, nothing is timed so well as when you actually are in desperate need - and you suddenly find the absence of those whom you were counting on to help you get through this. It is so pronounced that I could have called this post, The Vanishing ...
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
A New 2014 Goal
I was a mess on Monday. I was utterly shattered on the inside. Thursday through Sunday had been mighty hard, trying to deal with someone whom is apparently mentally ill, living in a location from which mental health care can not be forced on others, well - everyone is going to be damaged around that person.
Monday, I had nothing left. I knew what I needed to do and prepare for, however God seemed to have other priorities. I found I needed to gather together all of my financial records and it was impressed upon me was that they needed to be destroyed. Okay, maybe I am going insane here, but they really have no value to me, so I burned them. Yeah, I kept the stuff needed for tax reporting. Then went back to working on Gaelic Girl's dead car. And honestly, I was wondering if something was wrong with my mind ...
But, I needed to get a hose that is not available, so I ordered one from the local parts store. In the mean time GG had returned and was beating her head with the bathroom room while screaming. Yeah, as I said, mentally ill. So, I moved on to making an easy dinner of tacos - her favorite.
After dinner, GG then demanded all of the financial records from me and I thought how utterly bizarre! What are the odds? So she spent the night working on proving that I am stealing money from her - only to discover that I have been using 100% of my royalty payments to supplement her income to retain her house for a year now. She exploded! It was not what she wanted to find!
And this then lead to a two hour lecture from her on all of my character flaws (oh I have flaws, but apparently she does not even know about them!) and told me I need to leave because from her standpoint, it is over. I am not sure what "it" is here, everything died long ago.
I just sat there and thought to myself, if I had kept those receipts she would know that I do spent a little bit a month on me - about $50, sometimes $100 a month, which does not seem unreasonable in my mind. But, God seems to have protected me and frustrated her evil desires to justify herself. I was awed and still do wonder what the full implications are, God rarely seems to have me do something weird without a much larger purpose.
For me, over the weekend I had already reconciled myself to knowing I need to sell off virtually everything I own in order to end debt to the US IRS for taxes in 2012 and now what I owe for 2013, end my short term debt I have lived with from father's funeral in 2010, then I need a small van or truck. I do not know if I can raise that kind of money but certainly I can get closer to $0 in debt and have a car to live in at least. Then GG can refinance to a much lower mortgage and go into 2015 able to pay her own way without me.
So apparently I have a goal in 2014, get out of GG's life ...
Sigh ...
Monday, I had nothing left. I knew what I needed to do and prepare for, however God seemed to have other priorities. I found I needed to gather together all of my financial records and it was impressed upon me was that they needed to be destroyed. Okay, maybe I am going insane here, but they really have no value to me, so I burned them. Yeah, I kept the stuff needed for tax reporting. Then went back to working on Gaelic Girl's dead car. And honestly, I was wondering if something was wrong with my mind ...
But, I needed to get a hose that is not available, so I ordered one from the local parts store. In the mean time GG had returned and was beating her head with the bathroom room while screaming. Yeah, as I said, mentally ill. So, I moved on to making an easy dinner of tacos - her favorite.
After dinner, GG then demanded all of the financial records from me and I thought how utterly bizarre! What are the odds? So she spent the night working on proving that I am stealing money from her - only to discover that I have been using 100% of my royalty payments to supplement her income to retain her house for a year now. She exploded! It was not what she wanted to find!
And this then lead to a two hour lecture from her on all of my character flaws (oh I have flaws, but apparently she does not even know about them!) and told me I need to leave because from her standpoint, it is over. I am not sure what "it" is here, everything died long ago.
I just sat there and thought to myself, if I had kept those receipts she would know that I do spent a little bit a month on me - about $50, sometimes $100 a month, which does not seem unreasonable in my mind. But, God seems to have protected me and frustrated her evil desires to justify herself. I was awed and still do wonder what the full implications are, God rarely seems to have me do something weird without a much larger purpose.
For me, over the weekend I had already reconciled myself to knowing I need to sell off virtually everything I own in order to end debt to the US IRS for taxes in 2012 and now what I owe for 2013, end my short term debt I have lived with from father's funeral in 2010, then I need a small van or truck. I do not know if I can raise that kind of money but certainly I can get closer to $0 in debt and have a car to live in at least. Then GG can refinance to a much lower mortgage and go into 2015 able to pay her own way without me.
So apparently I have a goal in 2014, get out of GG's life ...
Sigh ...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Remembering Sanctity of Human Life
It is Sunday night and I just finished writing Monday's post about my ex-friend Elspeth. It is best she be an ex, as she is apparently too dangerous for guys right now. And well, she did at attempt to impinge my integrity.
I thought to data mine my blog to see if I could find one of my missing posts, well actually it is a series of four of them, and the blogger search tool suddenly pointed me to a post I had forgotten about since I was last in Tuscon: Sanctity of Human Life
It was so weird. I can remember Kathy, my mining partner's wife going into Safeway for some Dr. Pepper. She got in the car and as we pulled away, the shooting started.
I thought it was a movie set and they were filming. Heavens there were cameras everywhere, ambulances on standby and lots of police.
My mining partner thought it was a college prank.
Why would someone want to shoot up a political meeting in Casas Adobes?
Thirty minutes later we are in a town whose name I can not pronounce (T.....) and on the news was hysteria over the shooting in Casa Adobes. What shooting? Oh my God, what we had just witnessed! It made no sense. It still does not.
The little community was in shock, my friend has lived there for over 40 years. There is no one he does not know, nor have an opinion about! The pastor of his church was dumbstruck. He committed suicide about two weeks later. Yeah.
So, sit back, click on the above link and read something which still brings tears to my eyes and think on what we have lost in our culture ...
I thought to data mine my blog to see if I could find one of my missing posts, well actually it is a series of four of them, and the blogger search tool suddenly pointed me to a post I had forgotten about since I was last in Tuscon: Sanctity of Human Life
It was so weird. I can remember Kathy, my mining partner's wife going into Safeway for some Dr. Pepper. She got in the car and as we pulled away, the shooting started.
I thought it was a movie set and they were filming. Heavens there were cameras everywhere, ambulances on standby and lots of police.
My mining partner thought it was a college prank.
Why would someone want to shoot up a political meeting in Casas Adobes?
Thirty minutes later we are in a town whose name I can not pronounce (T.....) and on the news was hysteria over the shooting in Casa Adobes. What shooting? Oh my God, what we had just witnessed! It made no sense. It still does not.
The little community was in shock, my friend has lived there for over 40 years. There is no one he does not know, nor have an opinion about! The pastor of his church was dumbstruck. He committed suicide about two weeks later. Yeah.
So, sit back, click on the above link and read something which still brings tears to my eyes and think on what we have lost in our culture ...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Missionary Wife Falls
Unfortunately, we are now going to be discussing a friend, a very dear friend, someone so close it was originally thought 20 years ago that she was my wife! So we put distance between us physically so that assumptions would go away but not mentally. We have remained in close contact up until a few months ago.
Through the years, her husband became a very good friend as well of mine. He used to own one of the Munich hotspot techno bars! He was a mess back then - PTSD from what went on the Balkans, too much death. He was at the site where my cousin Bernard was executed in Bosnia - he told me things which have not even appeared in the Hague trials about what happened. So yeah, blood brothers.
You might remember my mentioning many years ago about a wife, whom decided against her husband's wishes to go on the mission field and leave him with the kids. He was a bit outraged, she really did not care less and told me from Chile that she may well not return.
Return she did, in time to have two more children, brought about by a couple's weekend for marriage counseling away. Okay, I thought it was funny - and true according to him. She was devasted and wanted to abort them ... and I thought, what has happened to my friend?
So, you know Kris, I confronted her. It seems in Chile she had become romantically involved. It wasn't serious, she left him behind, but it was physical. We prayed together about this and I encouraged her to never return to Chile and only go on mission trips with her husband after this.
All was well for a number of years, but well, last August I got a note from her that she was leaving the church - too much gossip and evil things were being said about her husband. So, I encouraged the both of them to find another church. There are plenty of offerings in my little town.
And, silence. Occasionally, I would get a recipe from her but never any real communication. The husband was growing increasing upset and at one point was arrested for for hollering at the oldest son. It was bogus, but it made him wake up and start to evaluate what was going on around him. Why was he reacting this way? It was too weird.
Then Thursday, he and I talked on the phone for many hours. It seems she has been having an affair dating back to August with the same man, it is now out in the open and the husband has been pushed out to make room for this new guy.
I only learned this when I called him, because she had sent me nude pictures of herself. The first ones were inappropriate, by evening time, they had become quite - uhm, heartbreaking. My dear Elspeth had broken. (yes, her real name!)
I as floored!
But, I meditated on this over the weekend. Warning signs were there:
And she crumbled because she had walked away from her faith, the church and her friends.
God gave us friends to help support us, a church to help guide us and a faith built on rock.
Equally, God gave us a task to represent Him and when we fail and fall into sin, He will strip away our blessings. It is painful to know, to witness, to comfort the casualties ...
I do not know what to do or say. I can only offer distant statements of shock and sorrow for my vet friend. She is not really talking still to me, so nothing I can do there. And perhaps it is best I go away from her life ...
Prayer, lots of prayer.
Through the years, her husband became a very good friend as well of mine. He used to own one of the Munich hotspot techno bars! He was a mess back then - PTSD from what went on the Balkans, too much death. He was at the site where my cousin Bernard was executed in Bosnia - he told me things which have not even appeared in the Hague trials about what happened. So yeah, blood brothers.
You might remember my mentioning many years ago about a wife, whom decided against her husband's wishes to go on the mission field and leave him with the kids. He was a bit outraged, she really did not care less and told me from Chile that she may well not return.
Return she did, in time to have two more children, brought about by a couple's weekend for marriage counseling away. Okay, I thought it was funny - and true according to him. She was devasted and wanted to abort them ... and I thought, what has happened to my friend?
So, you know Kris, I confronted her. It seems in Chile she had become romantically involved. It wasn't serious, she left him behind, but it was physical. We prayed together about this and I encouraged her to never return to Chile and only go on mission trips with her husband after this.
All was well for a number of years, but well, last August I got a note from her that she was leaving the church - too much gossip and evil things were being said about her husband. So, I encouraged the both of them to find another church. There are plenty of offerings in my little town.
And, silence. Occasionally, I would get a recipe from her but never any real communication. The husband was growing increasing upset and at one point was arrested for for hollering at the oldest son. It was bogus, but it made him wake up and start to evaluate what was going on around him. Why was he reacting this way? It was too weird.
Then Thursday, he and I talked on the phone for many hours. It seems she has been having an affair dating back to August with the same man, it is now out in the open and the husband has been pushed out to make room for this new guy.
I only learned this when I called him, because she had sent me nude pictures of herself. The first ones were inappropriate, by evening time, they had become quite - uhm, heartbreaking. My dear Elspeth had broken. (yes, her real name!)
I as floored!
But, I meditated on this over the weekend. Warning signs were there:
- her personality change
- willingness to kill her children
- the affair in Chile husband still does not know about
- the stresses of more children
- the stress of a PTSD husband
- the stress of poverty as he lost his job
- the willingness to offer her body, for ... what?
And she crumbled because she had walked away from her faith, the church and her friends.
God gave us friends to help support us, a church to help guide us and a faith built on rock.
Equally, God gave us a task to represent Him and when we fail and fall into sin, He will strip away our blessings. It is painful to know, to witness, to comfort the casualties ...
I do not know what to do or say. I can only offer distant statements of shock and sorrow for my vet friend. She is not really talking still to me, so nothing I can do there. And perhaps it is best I go away from her life ...
Prayer, lots of prayer.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Musical Saturday Morning
I really do not like this group, do not care for their songs, however this lone song stood apart in my mind back then.
Rarely will a 1970's song appear on this blog, because well - I lived through the 1970's and I am happy it passed and went away!
No I did not like this song because of girl, it was because of the loss of life back home in Europe, because I never had a family as you have known family, because my Danish great-uncle had died a few years earlier, because I found that American teenagers were not upfront and could not be trusted.
The grief of teenage-hood ...
Rarely will a 1970's song appear on this blog, because well - I lived through the 1970's and I am happy it passed and went away!
No I did not like this song because of girl, it was because of the loss of life back home in Europe, because I never had a family as you have known family, because my Danish great-uncle had died a few years earlier, because I found that American teenagers were not upfront and could not be trusted.
The grief of teenage-hood ...
Friday, March 7, 2014
Follow Through
So, Gaelic Girl decided I needed to be quizzed as to the effectiveness of her therapist's cross examination of me. Well, I was sort of caught unawares.
So, I asked how she thought a stranger talking to me could reveal something about myself, when I know myself quite well. She grew quiet and stewed.
Later she exploded all over me over something so trivial that I had to ask her what was up with her. Wrong thing to say.
Friday though the attacks did not stop but instead she switched to sarcasm for doing something thoughtful around the house. I do that often, she just never notices, so I took this single event to be quite disingenuous. Another error.
Sigh, there is no winning.
So, Saturday is the day we are going to talk about her taking over this house and the massive debt. There is no winning here, just loosing no matter how it is viewed. As for me, I can crawl under a tree and it will be the same to me.
Perhaps after tomorrow's funeral for James.
Sigh.
I need to throw up again ...
So, I asked how she thought a stranger talking to me could reveal something about myself, when I know myself quite well. She grew quiet and stewed.
Later she exploded all over me over something so trivial that I had to ask her what was up with her. Wrong thing to say.
Friday though the attacks did not stop but instead she switched to sarcasm for doing something thoughtful around the house. I do that often, she just never notices, so I took this single event to be quite disingenuous. Another error.
Sigh, there is no winning.
So, Saturday is the day we are going to talk about her taking over this house and the massive debt. There is no winning here, just loosing no matter how it is viewed. As for me, I can crawl under a tree and it will be the same to me.
Perhaps after tomorrow's funeral for James.
Sigh.
I need to throw up again ...
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Trauma
Unexpectedly, I was called upon to be interviewed by Gaelic Girls therapist.
It has long been a concern of mine that GG and her therapist spend their time talking about me - and honestly I do not like this. It is not like finding the key to Kris is going to do anything for GG. But, I played along.
And she opened up with an episode in my life I had completely forgotten about ... and I had told GG? As far as I knew, I had never said anything to anyone.
I was three years old and my parents decided to go for the evening out and hired a babysitter. Said babysitter at some point took me out to the clothes line and tied me to the pole - by my neck. I was stuck standing there for the next four to five hours. When I told my parents, they called me a liar and beat the @#$@ out of me.
That as the point at which I knew these people could not be trusted. I had told the truth and was beaten for it. I never trusted my parents ever again. It was the defining moment that ended our relationship for the rest of our lives. And you have to remember that from 1973 to 2008, my adult years, there was no relationship between my parents and I. It was only with their old age and health failures that I even make an attempt to be there for them. Now it is just my mother - but it is still beyond my ability to ever trust her ever again. (And yeah, she agrees that trust might just be too much to exist between us.)
It was an interesting romp through ancient history of my mind. To see what made my world black and white, that caused me to so willingly execute people from my life whom assail my integrity.
Which then brought the topic to GG and her attacks in 2009 through 2013 on me.
No, no resolution, I just wanted to share a interesting conversation with a dichotomy built into it. I will let you know if and when she gets back with me - or - GG does.
It has long been a concern of mine that GG and her therapist spend their time talking about me - and honestly I do not like this. It is not like finding the key to Kris is going to do anything for GG. But, I played along.
And she opened up with an episode in my life I had completely forgotten about ... and I had told GG? As far as I knew, I had never said anything to anyone.
I was three years old and my parents decided to go for the evening out and hired a babysitter. Said babysitter at some point took me out to the clothes line and tied me to the pole - by my neck. I was stuck standing there for the next four to five hours. When I told my parents, they called me a liar and beat the @#$@ out of me.
That as the point at which I knew these people could not be trusted. I had told the truth and was beaten for it. I never trusted my parents ever again. It was the defining moment that ended our relationship for the rest of our lives. And you have to remember that from 1973 to 2008, my adult years, there was no relationship between my parents and I. It was only with their old age and health failures that I even make an attempt to be there for them. Now it is just my mother - but it is still beyond my ability to ever trust her ever again. (And yeah, she agrees that trust might just be too much to exist between us.)
It was an interesting romp through ancient history of my mind. To see what made my world black and white, that caused me to so willingly execute people from my life whom assail my integrity.
Which then brought the topic to GG and her attacks in 2009 through 2013 on me.
No, no resolution, I just wanted to share a interesting conversation with a dichotomy built into it. I will let you know if and when she gets back with me - or - GG does.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Understanding The Bible
Psalm 19:7 - 14
The Book of Creation - testimony is awesome.
The Book of Scripture - special revelation.
So what are you to do with Scripture as you study it?
1. Desire It
It must be important in your life or it will never be read, studied, memorized, nor understood!
You must spend time in it.
You must must spend time in prayer over what you have read - if even for just understanding.
2. Understand It
Currently 20% of Church Goers, NEVER read their Bible!
Another 30% read only rarely.
People lie in surveys and over select what makes them look better than they are.
Read the Bible, not about it.
It is important to read what the Bible actually says, not accept what someone says it says!
3. Picture It
Sometimes it is valuable to compare what we are trying to understand to what we already know.
So think on Psalm pictures; Bible is like honeycomb, bread, etc ...
4. Be Changed
The Word rejoices your heart
Warns you
Encourages you
Enlightens you
5. Respond
It goes through you
Be immersed in it
Even when you are broken - God will answer ...
(thank Heavens!)
The Book of Creation - testimony is awesome.
The Book of Scripture - special revelation.
So what are you to do with Scripture as you study it?
1. Desire It
It must be important in your life or it will never be read, studied, memorized, nor understood!
You must spend time in it.
You must must spend time in prayer over what you have read - if even for just understanding.
2. Understand It
Currently 20% of Church Goers, NEVER read their Bible!
Another 30% read only rarely.
People lie in surveys and over select what makes them look better than they are.
Read the Bible, not about it.
It is important to read what the Bible actually says, not accept what someone says it says!
3. Picture It
Sometimes it is valuable to compare what we are trying to understand to what we already know.
So think on Psalm pictures; Bible is like honeycomb, bread, etc ...
4. Be Changed
The Word rejoices your heart
Warns you
Encourages you
Enlightens you
5. Respond
It goes through you
Be immersed in it
Even when you are broken - God will answer ...
(thank Heavens!)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Listening To God
So, in our last exciting installment, Kris was once again up against the ropes and getting the snot beat out of him .... But, something intervened and Kris got to thinking about John, chapter 8 ...
As I meditated on this exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees, I could not help but focus in on two verses: 43 and 47 :
43 Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say.
47 Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.
The whole argument revolved around the Pharisees claiming to be family of Abraham, yet planning murder, and Jesus claiming to be of the family of God and claiming innocence. Neither were talking the other's language, but it was the Pharisees whom were at fault (as usual).
If you want to claim to be a child of the King, you have to be able to speak His language. Pretty simple really, you don't speak the language - you are not of the family you claim to be.
Listen to what it means to really listen to God.
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know I am God
Psalm 19:1 Heaven declares the glory of God
1. Quiet!
God is talking!
But you have to get past your distractions to hear Him!
The world
Your games
Your pleasures
You have to stop in order to listen
2. Decide!
You want to really hear what God has to say.
It must be Scripture based.
Not the world's voice.
Not your denomination's voice.
Not your pastor's voice.
Not your favorite TV/radio personality.
Not the author of some book!
It is you reading your Bible and studying!
3. Hang On!
God's Word will progress in you!
It is called growth.
There is no spiritual pill.
It all has to be learned, just like knowing His voice in the first place!
4. Stay On Target!
God's Word is Jesus, the Bible says so.
Keep the message constantly on Jesus - not religions, not denominations, not personal opinion.
The message will never violate His word - it not about spirituality.
The message is God's voice - it can only be Jesus.
*****
And so I sat and thought on this.
It made sense. I can hear because I know the language. I am frustrated with others because they have not had a chance to or choose not to learn the language of God. Driven by desires I can not understand (and really God, it is okay for me not to!). They live in a world alien to me.
And I have those I do not communicate well with. We are close and yet artificially distant. Twin sets of protection mechanisms - where none should be called for.
And I prayed for wisdom as to how to proceed.
And I prayed for knowledge to rectify the problems.
And in fear, for it equally could have gone horribly wrong, but it didn't.
And tonight I sit here in peace with at least one resolution in my life .....
As I meditated on this exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees, I could not help but focus in on two verses: 43 and 47 :
43 Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say.
47 Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.
The whole argument revolved around the Pharisees claiming to be family of Abraham, yet planning murder, and Jesus claiming to be of the family of God and claiming innocence. Neither were talking the other's language, but it was the Pharisees whom were at fault (as usual).
If you want to claim to be a child of the King, you have to be able to speak His language. Pretty simple really, you don't speak the language - you are not of the family you claim to be.
Listen to what it means to really listen to God.
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know I am God
Psalm 19:1 Heaven declares the glory of God
1. Quiet!
God is talking!
But you have to get past your distractions to hear Him!
The world
Your games
Your pleasures
You have to stop in order to listen
2. Decide!
You want to really hear what God has to say.
It must be Scripture based.
Not the world's voice.
Not your denomination's voice.
Not your pastor's voice.
Not your favorite TV/radio personality.
Not the author of some book!
It is you reading your Bible and studying!
3. Hang On!
God's Word will progress in you!
It is called growth.
There is no spiritual pill.
It all has to be learned, just like knowing His voice in the first place!
4. Stay On Target!
God's Word is Jesus, the Bible says so.
Keep the message constantly on Jesus - not religions, not denominations, not personal opinion.
The message will never violate His word - it not about spirituality.
The message is God's voice - it can only be Jesus.
*****
And so I sat and thought on this.
It made sense. I can hear because I know the language. I am frustrated with others because they have not had a chance to or choose not to learn the language of God. Driven by desires I can not understand (and really God, it is okay for me not to!). They live in a world alien to me.
And I have those I do not communicate well with. We are close and yet artificially distant. Twin sets of protection mechanisms - where none should be called for.
And I prayed for wisdom as to how to proceed.
And I prayed for knowledge to rectify the problems.
And in fear, for it equally could have gone horribly wrong, but it didn't.
And tonight I sit here in peace with at least one resolution in my life .....
Monday, March 3, 2014
Unending
Unending:
Day 12, my heart continues to grow weaker. The pain at times more than I can bear, yet there is nothing to do. I have the world's best insurance and can not afford the Obama dictated co-pay new to my plan. To step into ER would run now at least $102,000 for what they would do to me, my share 10%. My lungs are going and that only adds more stress to the heart. Oh do not worry, God will either bring me through this or not at all. I hope not at all, for all hope other than for peace in His eternity is lost to me. but, I went, I underwent the tests and they found NOTHING! A leg and foot the size of a Lebanese sausage and nothing .... Gees!
Hope sustained even me, for whom hope really had no meaning. Hope was the ground of truth I stood on, then hope came to actually mean hope (as you know it) and I found that ground to become a bit shaky. No I did not loose my faith, it is just harder to "know" when you are constantly being assaulted on all sides by emotional feeds and life. I can still see truth, I can still know to stand, but I realize that I am at best a cripple now - for what is hope to me today?
Once life had meaning, what was love was "friended" out of existence, what was friendship evaporated when self interest became greater, what was hope ... requires nurture, which disappeared long ago. And I continue to hold on to my faith, my gifts and that which was impressed upon me. All else I can no longer see nor even know.
And there is nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and I have cried out to God so often across the past three months, I am tired of even hearing my voice! - the only answer? Stand. And in a vacuum at that!
In the meantime, I may yet learn to be apathetic ...
Sunday morning I was reminded of John 8 and I meditated on this for hours. It is a smack down between the Pharisees and Jesus. Of course, Jesus wins, but only through worldly eyes does man's logic seem to carry the day.
I thought on this and what Jesus said; I see more clearly his defining point between what is of Him and what is of Satan. Even the do-gooders were lost due to their own disbelief, prejudice and social hatreds.
Even when faced with a miracle, the likes of which had never been performed before, the religious elite gave the credit to Satan because God does not work this way. Surprise!
And I read back through what I wrote on Friday night in this post. I could see the disconnect between the world and I, the church and I, and unfortunately, friends and family and I.
I have changed in an unpredictable direction and I know that friends and family need to adjust, but they are distancing themselves instead. Obviously, I must be insane and therefore avoided at any cost.
And I am trapped in this failing body, unable to even walk a mile, or I am of a mind to just walk away in disgust.
But, it seems this body is what God is using to stop me.
So, something still lies ahead, some resolution, some answer, something which explains all of this and these wasted years.
... Sigh ...
- Days
- Time
- Boredom
- Drama
- Hatred
- Ignorance
- Pain
Day 12, my heart continues to grow weaker. The pain at times more than I can bear, yet there is nothing to do. I have the world's best insurance and can not afford the Obama dictated co-pay new to my plan. To step into ER would run now at least $102,000 for what they would do to me, my share 10%. My lungs are going and that only adds more stress to the heart. Oh do not worry, God will either bring me through this or not at all. I hope not at all, for all hope other than for peace in His eternity is lost to me. but, I went, I underwent the tests and they found NOTHING! A leg and foot the size of a Lebanese sausage and nothing .... Gees!
Hope sustained even me, for whom hope really had no meaning. Hope was the ground of truth I stood on, then hope came to actually mean hope (as you know it) and I found that ground to become a bit shaky. No I did not loose my faith, it is just harder to "know" when you are constantly being assaulted on all sides by emotional feeds and life. I can still see truth, I can still know to stand, but I realize that I am at best a cripple now - for what is hope to me today?
Once life had meaning, what was love was "friended" out of existence, what was friendship evaporated when self interest became greater, what was hope ... requires nurture, which disappeared long ago. And I continue to hold on to my faith, my gifts and that which was impressed upon me. All else I can no longer see nor even know.
And there is nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and I have cried out to God so often across the past three months, I am tired of even hearing my voice! - the only answer? Stand. And in a vacuum at that!
In the meantime, I may yet learn to be apathetic ...
Sunday morning I was reminded of John 8 and I meditated on this for hours. It is a smack down between the Pharisees and Jesus. Of course, Jesus wins, but only through worldly eyes does man's logic seem to carry the day.
I thought on this and what Jesus said; I see more clearly his defining point between what is of Him and what is of Satan. Even the do-gooders were lost due to their own disbelief, prejudice and social hatreds.
Even when faced with a miracle, the likes of which had never been performed before, the religious elite gave the credit to Satan because God does not work this way. Surprise!
And I read back through what I wrote on Friday night in this post. I could see the disconnect between the world and I, the church and I, and unfortunately, friends and family and I.
I have changed in an unpredictable direction and I know that friends and family need to adjust, but they are distancing themselves instead. Obviously, I must be insane and therefore avoided at any cost.
And I am trapped in this failing body, unable to even walk a mile, or I am of a mind to just walk away in disgust.
But, it seems this body is what God is using to stop me.
So, something still lies ahead, some resolution, some answer, something which explains all of this and these wasted years.
... Sigh ...
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Musical Saturday Morning
This song, which I have not heard in probably 35 years, popped back into my mind the other day and has been echoing around in there ever since.
At the time, I remember those of us in the computer center were talking about this song because the Doobie Brothers had done, Jesus Is Just Alright, the Ozark Mountain Daredevils had done, If You Want To Get To Heaven, followed up by Jackie Blue. It seemed at the time that Jesus and marijuana was going to be topic of endless songs! I had no problem with Jesus, since I had become a Christian in 1973, but marijuana? Really? I know that a couple of the "kids" were dopers but most of us were not and honestly, I have never understood the attraction of separating yourself from reality. Even when at rock bottom, it still seems senseless.
Though I may not care much for their lifestyle choices, I do appreciate that the Daredevils made the decision to not go "Hollywood". They wanted to raise their families and live in their homes ~ albeit, in the Ozark Mountains of Missouri.
At the time, I remember those of us in the computer center were talking about this song because the Doobie Brothers had done, Jesus Is Just Alright, the Ozark Mountain Daredevils had done, If You Want To Get To Heaven, followed up by Jackie Blue. It seemed at the time that Jesus and marijuana was going to be topic of endless songs! I had no problem with Jesus, since I had become a Christian in 1973, but marijuana? Really? I know that a couple of the "kids" were dopers but most of us were not and honestly, I have never understood the attraction of separating yourself from reality. Even when at rock bottom, it still seems senseless.
Though I may not care much for their lifestyle choices, I do appreciate that the Daredevils made the decision to not go "Hollywood". They wanted to raise their families and live in their homes ~ albeit, in the Ozark Mountains of Missouri.
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