Wounded and Thinking

I have to admit that I am at best not in a writing mood today.  Last night was ugly.  I am not saddened by what was said, how it was said or why it was said.  I knew long ago this was coming.  The rational on the part of Gaelic Girl could just as easily have been "your nose is on crooked", thus excusing her for giving me both barrels of her venom.  Instead I am apparently a lying oaf, wrong at every turn.  Does not matter what the truth was, does not matter my youngest daughter could backup every defense I had - GG was right and I am always wrong.  Again.  I fear that her mental health has again slipped into the realm of make believe.  And it saddens me greatly because she has been a friend for most of my life and I do care.

So, as I lay in bed last night, I thought on how haphazard life is.  When things should have been going well, everything is turned upside down.  When all things in are in God's hands - why would evil reign so supremely in my life?  What is left of my physical heart is in no condition to handle this level of stress (nitro is my best friend) and my emotional heart is still too young to try and understand what is going on.  Yet, all is what it is ...

1 Timothy 6:17-21

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.  

Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.  

In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, 
which some have professed and in so doing have departed from the faith.

Grace be with you all.

As I sat here this morning looking blankly at my computer screen, I have tried to think what to write.  And I thought on what I wrote above, then thought on the ending to the book of 1 Timothy.  Paul was wrapping up an instruction filled letter to Timothy.  All was not well in Timothy's life nor ministry, and Paul was encouraging him.  Then I started seeing how my life at this time mirrors what Paul is saying:

A person, during the first century AD, would have been considered rich if they had a change of clothes and knew where their next meal was coming from.  Times where hard but if you had those two things, you were doing okay.

And Paul says to acknowledge what God has given you.  We are those rich people.  God has given me much.  For now a roof over my head, food and clothing to stay warm with.  He has also given me four children and three grandchildren whom rule my time and heart.  And I do have a friend I can trust.  I enjoy these gifts of His.

Yes, enjoyment.  Paul even says to enjoy what God has given you - however what is lost in our culture is verse 18: to share what God has given you.  We are very good at using up wastefully what God has given, but actually sharing and helping someone else?  No, we do not do very well.  It is the left overs we can no longer use we want to share!

I remember in my last church that we had a problem with people donating frozen, used tea bags to be sent to our missionaries in the field.  Yeah, used tea bags.  Honestly, how pathetic is that as a statement of the bounty of God in our lives?  The best for me, the rest for God's use ...

Going with the idea of sharing what we have, comes the idea that we are to be responsible with the resources we have been given.  EVERYTHING, is the understanding as to what is God's in our lives - EVERYTHING!  Cash, cars, things, happiness - EVERYTHING - but there is also our time and our friendships and our relationships.  EVERYTHING is a tool, to be used as a witness for God in another's life.

We are to guard what has been given to us ...  (I think I have not done well in this area in my earlier years, sigh!)  Escaping from the obvious thought of things, I want to think on this in terms as God's testimony, the testimony of the Saints and even my own testimony.  All of these are given to us and needed to be guarded as well - in deed and in with our mouths!

Further, we are given Faith, it is what allowed us to see and understand God's leading and what brought us to salvation.  It is what has allowed us to learn and to grow, to help us ferret out truth when we are confused.  It is the evidence of the Holy Spirit in our life.  And we totally and completely have the ability to not only strangle it but to outright kill it in our lives.  How?

Believe it or not, through the acquisition of knowledge.  Now there is nothing wrong with knowledge but it does lead away from Faith.

So many I have known through the years lost their faith in Bible School or Seminary, that I finally had to come up with the idea that most people are educated beyond their abilities.  Why would where you should expect to find truth and learning, that you need to strengthen your faith, you would instead lose your faith?  

Because of conflicting ideas, so many conflicting ideas that you are eventually forced to throw up your hands and say, "Enough!  It is all a faery tale!  And I now have proof!"  Well, no you don't, but you just discovered how Satan has thrown so much dust up in the air that your Faith has ended and you join the ranks of lost humanity no longer looking for nor believing in that awesome all powerful God.

And yeah, guarding your mouth, I have not done too well with that either.  Often I think out loud and it has repercussions on me and those around me.  I might wonder at something and people take that statement as being real - it was just me trying to work out something - trying to figure out how does God get from point A to point B.  I like knowing, I like observing, I like being surprised by Him and I marvel at how He always finds a way I never could have seen coming!  I love it, but it damages people around me it seems.  A lesson I learned this year.

Last week, I was worried because I could see that God was going to move in my life.  Saturday I knew that whatever it was, God would make it all work out and He gave me peace.  Last night was pretty ugly.  Today, typing this, that peace has returned.  Yeah, I expected to be homeless back in spring but things settled down with that last major heart attack and now all is out of control again.  

It will be amazing to see how God brings me through this into the next year ...  So much more I would be tempted to say, at my wonderment as to what God is doing but as I just stated above, perhaps it is best to not wonder out loud.  Sigh .,.