Future Tense

As I mentioned yesterday, I decided to take a hard look back through my mind, using an adults eye to view those memories and see if I could figure out whether I was ever normal or not.  Yeah, I found the answer.

It is hard to view beyond third grade.  Second grade was when I and several others were "broken" but no one believed us until the casualties numbered quite high.  Probably the only thing saving me was my complete ability to just tune out from what was going on around me or to me.  So, looking at first grade backwards, lots of events, no emotions concerning any of them - except for moments of immense anger and frustration at the treatment I received in my family.

The US military's interest in me began when I was in fourth grade.  So, perhaps when they figured out how broken father was?  Then decided to subject my sister and I to lots of testing?  I know that my sister did not have any testing after 8th grade, so I am just guessing they figured out she was either normal or just an irritating teenaged girl...

When we moved to France, I thought myself quite crazy.  Normal things could no longer be expressed normally and I knew things, for no reason at all.

For instance, I had a globe; I would spin it and then think about the country it would stop at.  India was a problem, anytime the globe stopped there, and it did quite often, I could not say India in any language, instead the over-riding thought of "Map, Outreach Map, India" would roar through my mind.  What on Earth!?!?  And this continued until 1994, when I met an interesting guy whom wanted to run an orphanage in Northern India.  He had a mission called, "Outreach Map".  My eyebrows raised quite a bit, the answer to a thirty year old question?

Not being superstitious, but I did start a campaign to raise funds for what became Haven of Hope Orphanage.  And, I have continued to support them, even in my poverty through the past three years.  (Just in case you are interested in helping them as well: Outreach Map - India, POB 1801, Walnut, California, 91788-1801)  And Paul Wiig, the man I had met, continued on as an acquaintance for now just shy of twenty years!

Hmmm....

The other strong impressions were certain dreams.  They all had images I remember but the over-riding aspect is one of emotion!  Yeah, I whom had no emotion at all, felt something in dreams!  And I liked dreams for that very reason.  Peace, something I desired so desperately and love, something I knew nothing of what so ever.  The images?  Sunshine by the beach or snow flakes falling past a female face in the woods.  But no way of tying these emotions and images together much less knowing what they meant.

And, there was a point, a day to be exact that came together at the beach.  I knew the day, the moment, the events, I knew what I was going to feel!  And I was terrified.  Shortly thereafter, that bud of an emotion was destroyed and I knew I was better off without it.  There is only betrayal and pain in emotion.

No the snow image has not occurred, yet.  I know it so well - more emotion and peace than I have ever experienced in this past year.  So, I know where I belong, I know what it feels like to trust without fear, to love without betrayal, to finally belong somewhere. And I am am not there yet ... sigh ...

So, the short answer is: no, I was never normal but in my dreams I was ...