Success - Frustration

I don't have writer's block, but I have been staring at this computer screen for 90 minutes now and no words are forming.  I am trapped in a wasteland of frustration, tired of this soap opera drama swirling around me  Yesterday I was half way ready to say, "Chuck it!" and walk away. 

It has been a hard week.  My self esteem is just about at zero - well actually I think most of me is at zero right now.  Yesterday, it was a real fight not to throw my walls up and just "enjoy" life, separate and happy in the knowledge I was not going to let life touch me.  The way life used to be.  But, that is not what God expects of me - transparency, honesty, trust, patience, love.  When really, shooting something seems so much more practical! 

Life in this household continues to decay.  I think I might change my name to Pariah, since I seem to the be the go to guy for dumping on around here.  And relationships I would fight to preserve, go sideways, I know what I say but that is not the message anyone hears - Kris talking, full filters employed captain!  Yes, everyone has their own take on what they want to see and hear.  Reality seems to no longer hold any sway over this household.  It is a form of madness.  Is there any aspect of my life not under attack right now?  I am not aware if there is......

As for success?  I can see it, smell it, touch it and it is all so far away.  At times like this it seems unobtainable.  How can I get from Point A to Point F, when I can not even attain B?  I think I am now at the point where even the fool hardy would be willing to throw up their hands in surrender.

So I have to retreat to what I KNOW.  God called me, God equipped me, God has shown me His future.  And I am completely clueless how to proceed in the face of the opposition I face.  Yes, I know this stalemate is all spiritual.  And where I need help in overcoming - there is a void instead.  It is like God is waiting for something to happen first, then I can proceed as needed - but what is this wait based on?

Yeah, this probably does not make sense. 
I am tired and drained. 
Even caffeine has not helped this morning.