Feelings

Last evening I was yakking with daughter and she made a comment that stopped me and made me think about the changes which have occurred within me over the past several months.

Some of them are physical.  I have gone my entire adult life having to shave perhaps twice a month at the absolute most.  Yeah, I just blame the "American Indian" side of me (according to the Bureau of Indian Affairs.  I am not going to argue, it got me grants for college, but honestly, I doubt there is a drop of AI in me.  Incredibly thick head of hair, zip on the face.  Dutchman and I once had a race at age 18, whom could grow a mustache.  Yeah, at six months I had about as much as he at three days!  And suddenly now?  Every other day if I do not mind being "scruffy" in-between and daughter does not complain.  Puberty at 57?

Some of them are emotional.  It hurt me greatly in December to be reminded that I am by genetic nature broken.  Relegated to that minor percentage of humans whom are so broken that psychiatry prizes us when they can find one of us, still a live and not prison, because statistically there are at most 167,000 in a population the size of this world even born.  Yeah, that one hurt big time.  I had managed to forget, to almost feel normal, to know deep within me that the emptiness is something only God would ever fill.  But, what if I told you that this sociopath is experiencing real emotion?  (You scoff, how can I actually feel real emotion?)  Yeah, I know God put LOVE there.  Yeah, I know that it has grown from its basic roots.  Yeah, it is alien and foreign, and very hard to deal with.  I am middle aged, this is confusing, this is change.  Is it a reward for being faithful to God?  Is it what is needed at this time, for what I am doing?  Very interesting, as Artie Johnson would say.....

Then there are the spiritual changes.  I find within myself, a side of my Christianity I walked away from.  Part my Hebrew roots, part my Hutterite past, part the charisma of what I then fell into.  Yeah an odd mix.  But it is a reawakening of sorts.  Part needed by daughter, part I do not understand as to why it is resurfacing.  In a way, I am returning to my roots of faith and re-examining, weighing, judging, etc.  Probably a good exercise for all of us to do occasionally.

But, all of this leaves me in a very good mood this morning again, so how about something fun to share: