Alone in Faith

I guess I probably should not have been listening to music yesterday.  But, I was in a pretty good mood.  I had gotten past the pain of the weekend - so I was listening to some music on my laptop.

Many years ago, I had been surfing the web and stumbled across a site with some interesting bumper music.  It took a few days to figure out whom the owner of the site was, get a hold of him and then find out that the music was something he and his friends had recorded.  I still like that piece of music.  (I would identify it but since it is no longer on the internet, nor is there hardly a mention of his group, well you can't listen to it I guess.)

But, for as much as the music speaks to me, so do the words.  And there in lay the problem this morning.  They keep circulating around in my head, but they are words of pain being expressed out of context by youth.  And those words of pain match the pain I was in over the weekend.

Yeah, the hurt is back.  My heart trembles and soul shutters.  I whom am to be on as low a stress everything as possible have been off the charts for four days now.  And there is literally nothing I can do to gain control of this situation.  There are too many players, too many attitudes, too many lies, too much hate - and that just covers the ones I love!  And I am not much of a people person in the first place!  And those I have long counted on for support are interestingly silent - not returning calls, not returning emails, etc.

So, I can but sit back and watch the implosion as it forms.  I have never seen a situation where logic could not prevail, even in the past when Gaelic Girl would go off on a red-headed rant, I could still appeal to logic to calm her down.  But even that aspect of her personality no long exists.  And as her mental state has diminished, so has my children's attitudes towards me.

Oh yeah God is in control.  Yes, prayer does change things.  I can see His hand has allowed this implosion to occur.  I see myself being drawn out now, from the life I had led to what lies before me.  I find my faith growing stronger, a restoration of sorts is in progress - a Kris whom has not existed in a very long time is reappearing but this time with a hazy mission statement.  I do not see clearly, only pieces that do not fit together at all - at least with my current understanding.  Mystery.  So I must be oh so careful, to walk in innocence, to be awful certain I am not the cause of what is happening.  And continue to pray for the evil which has appeared to be equally driven away.

So on the one hand I have sadness and desire healing for my family.  Where ever I am headed, I would like them to partner with me in it.  But, it seems at this time that I am to stand quite alone as far as they are concerned.  On the other hand, God is moving in strange ways in my life.

Prayer could really be help for all of the players in this soap opera!