Facing Your Cross

Without exception, this year has been the worst year of my life.  I have never been so disappointed in my fellow man than I have been this year.  I have not been more disappointed in my family than I have been this year.  I have never wanted to rip a church a new-one, like I have this year - probably why I am not pastor material, no real tolerance for sin.  Yeah, not a great second half to the year.

As the title eludes to, we each have crosses we carry.  For some it is the needs of others in our community, some for those persecuted for their faith in Jesus, some physical challenges or even emotional ones.  All of them the possible basis for a ministry or perhaps what God uses to refine us.  And, my cross? A daughter, 21 years old, 150 pounds, a survivor, but not an over-comer, someone so desperately in need and yet so uncomfortable with the solution to her life's issues.  She has led a life no one should ever have had to and when given the chance for final freedom, sided with those whom manipulated her into believing this year had been a lie - that she was better off in her sin than in being refined as God was leading her.

And daily God reminds me.  And daily God shows me the workings of her heart and her mind, still at war with one another.  And I pray the heart wins because it knows the truth, but the mind wants its own way because .....  Well isn't that true of any of us?  And that is the cross I get to bear until she finally looks up to the real God, seeks understanding and then begins a new on her journey, albeit not quite the same now as it could have been.

For those of my long term readers, I am now at 1 year and one week in spiritual warfare to free this daughter.  So, if you will join with me, awesome.  I want her to get on with her life but that can not happen without her being forced to understand what happened to her.  And I wait.  Return, Reconciliation, Restoration, Repentance, Recovery, then Discipleship - all on hold, all waiting.....

So, I am facing my greatest cross, there are many other smaller ones - but this one is the most pressing.  I never could bear the weight of this cross, so God has had to all along - but in order for Him to do so, there are a few things I needed to do first:

Read John 12:27-36
Note that Jesus is in the week of the his death upon the cross, and he know it.....

Give yourself permission to be human.
Jesus was troubled facing his cross and what was to happen.
I have to face too with courage the opposition whom has taken my daughter, all those whom oppose me, those whom have their own agendas for keeping her broken, the damage she has done herself and me (thank you Satan, I really needed that this year!).

See ultimate triumph - beyond this present tragedy.
Circumstances vs desire.
God will use us, but not in ways we think or expect!
I blindly trusted, never believing that I could have lost my daughter.  Surprise!  God is apparently going to be testing my resolve and faith for however long this takes.
I never would have thought myself capable of the hundreds of hours of prayer this has required.

Listen when God speaks.
Everyone heard what Jesus had to say but not everyone heard the same message.
To some, it was all just noise.
Yeah, He warned me, but I could not believe.  And when it happened, I could not comprehend at how.  I was so naive.
She can not hear, though her heart knows, but she will not listen even to herself.

Remember His cross when you face your cross.
Luke 19:10 - Jesus seeks the lost
John 3:18 - believe and not be condemned
Yeah, I have questioned my salvation, and other's as well.  But, we are all broken beings, some in this soap opera have made me reconsider the nature of salvation and the impact of the losey-goosey theology of the American believer.  Still thinking on it.  Mighty disappointed in more than just a few.

Psalm 119:105.
Walk in the light, believe in the light, become sons of the light!
I had a choice, we all do, I could lick my wounds and move on or stand and fight.  God did not choose me because this was going to be easy, He choose me because I can be slapped down a thousand times and it will not shake my faith.  I see beyond today, looking towards God's victory in this woman's life tomorrow.  But, it sure would be nice if I could restart in her life tomorrow and get this over with!

This was Jesus last public teaching.
Apparently, this message was important enough that Jesus used His short time left to make this point to his disciples and followers.  So, maybe we should think hard on the point that if we are to be as He is, then we need to have the determination He had - even if we believe it will be to our own undoing - loss of everything - even ultimate death.....