Overcoming

Last week, my system had a terrible shock.  God in His far more infinite wisdom decided I needed to be reminded.  And to that end He re-opened my eyes again to the horrors of this year.  It is bad enough knowing my sin, I never wanted to know another's, I never wanted to "see" and feel God's pain at the actions of her.  He grinds into me over and over again the importance of separating her from her sin, yet she ran and I am helpless to act.  She had come so far, she still has so far to go.  So, I pray.

I never wanted those I love to ever suffer.  Yeah, I could write a book now over what happened across just a few days and how the naivety of one began a cascading of sin and rebellion in multitudes.  Of God's intervention to slap them awake, and yet they still slumber. Of betrayals and deceits they know and others nothing of, yet God continues to show me.  So, I pray.

And the visions keep coming.  To see how far she has fallen from where she was, and to think God does not care.  To see and "know" the senseless, self inflicted pain, so well defined now in her - so wounded and believing none can see.  To her blindness and empowerment to remain so.  And, so I pray.

Then the fact that God brings all of this up daily, sometimes more than.  And to be overcome by His love for her, it is all I can do to keep my promise not to contact her and piss her off again, and again, and again.  So, I wait for her to do so.  And I pray.

To walk a life now dead.  Unless you have lost your life, you would not understand.  Imagine losing any ability to produce an income, most of your friends (to death or their anger) and then most of your family's good will.  I can walk alone quite nicely, but I am not an island.  I can manage okay - but even sociopaths need to be talked to, need to be touched, need to know they still are alive.  This existence is becoming more than I can take much more of.  No I am not suicidal, I have not given up yet.  So, I pray.


And that lone emotion, in the vacuum of my being.  I never needed, wanted or ever asked for nor could have even imagined something like that.  Yet, God cuts the bars with which I bind it - randomly, bringing unbelievable pain.  So, I pray.

At all of these, to each of these, my body reacts with increased heart problems.  Sometimes I can go a day without knowing how close I am to the next heart attack.  It lay there as a constant reminder that my days are fragile and the need for care, but I can not control what God stirs up within me.  So, I pray and it goes away, again, until the next time.

I have little belief I will live to see my daughter again.  But, I know I will.
I have little belief I will see God bring down those whom deceived and lied to her.  But, I know He will.
I have little belief that she will know, understand and see.  Yet I know one day she will.
I have little belief that she will ever understand what laid on the path she fled.  Yet God may tell.....


It is not a crisis of faith, for mine has never been greater.
But, I see mortality in sharp contrast to desire.
It is the futility of man to know, to hope and to desire but to be unable to accomplish.
And that last God given task of my life, will it ever be, or will that too be lost?

And so I pray to last long enough, to hold out, to overcome.....