After The Betrayal

So, this is actually a bit of a response from my pastor concerning my previous post on betrayal. His title - Battling Betrayal.

Using Mathew 26:20-25 and John 13:18-30 as our texts, these points come into play (and any italics are my comments):

1.Expect the unexpected.
When Jesus announced that one of the Apostles would betray Him, they wondered.
Whom amongst them could do something like that.
Even when Jesus told them how it would happen, they did not understand.
When Jesus told Judas to take leave of the meal to do his task, they did not understand.
Judas was trusted, he was sitting in the seat of honor that night, who could it be?!?
They never saw it coming.

(I never saw it coming, I never expect it, I was trusting and loving, I did not want to believe, I was clueless.)

2. Look in the mirror.
Would I betray Jesus?
Is there something I am doing or have done which has betrayed the trust or love He places in me?
Seriously, ask yourself, "Is it me?"

3. Sit the closest to Jesus.
People will always disappoint us.
Be sure that we do nothing which would betray Jesus (thought, deed, life, etc).
Be the special one that Jesus loves.
Remember that He loves without condition.....

Further Shock

If you have been following along, you know I have been fighting to understand how my favorite daughter could desert me. The shock of this brought on twin heart attacks two weeks ago. And it has been a hard go of it since - especially with the complete lack of any concern of any kind from almost anyone I know. Aside from calls by Dutchman to see if I am still alive, I could be dead and no one would seem to care. Yes, this is Satan continuing his work to get to me. Isolate, separate, attempt to conquer - problem is, I am more concern for daughter than I am for myself. And using Kris' weakest link theory - well, it falls apart on her. What I know of her, the love and respect I have for her are all indicative of what is going on is not a matter of a character flaw in her. It is spiritual and for some reasons she can not see how she is being played by our enemy.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that number two daughter was having marital problems. Thursday night I found out she had terminated her marriage and walked off leaving my grand-daughter with her in-laws weeks ago! Yeah, that one was almost worth heart attack number three! But add yesterdays situation of where her in-laws came over to discuss the situation - yeah, let's add a few more heart incidents. Oh yeah, Satan is going out of his way to get to me - anything to increase my stress levels! However, I am still sharp enough to see that he is also attacking them through this situation as well. In fact it had to happen just as both of them had come down with whooping cough! Yeah get you weak then hammer you, seems to be how he deals with me and looks the same for them.

Friday I was really angry because I had waited months for a corrective foot surgery on the broken foot - only it seems if you have a heart attack then you can not have surgery for six months! I can only afford medial insurance for another eight months so now this is a problem with any follow up needed! Then I broke my left again on Saturday, yeah dropped a block of wood and snapped the big toe again! The shock of this flattened me for a day and a half. I am still not quite right stress wise yet! So, I guess it is good no surgery for a while. God will just have to work it out, as with all other aspects of my life. Sigh.....

I am considering a trip to Idaho in September, I have got to get away from my stress and relax. A little painting, a little metal detecting, a little exploring. Well,we will see will come to fruition.

Stress

I was joking with myself. I have no one else to joke with anymore. Such is the cost of this year.

So I was thinking, I could write a book! But about what? Well, being a father to an adult would be a good start. Now how about a title? "Do Sociopaths Cry Tears?" Yeah, pretty pathetic, but it did make me snicker for a moment.

Stress is odd. I used to thrive on stress. Professionally, it drove me to ultimate creativity. It probably may also have caused me to run right over people and never notice. Even without it I may have never noticed.

My doctor used to try and get me to drive down my stress, to get my blood pressure down. I don't think there was an actual correlation, I think the blood pressure is physiological, not psychological, at least for me. Then my stress also became psychological and I had a heart attack. Although minor, it was enough to now change my life in oh so many ways.

Beloved items such as salt and caffeine must now become a relic of a distant past in my life. American grease, as I call Taco Bell, must go away as well - even though I have no cholesterol to speak of, no sense in giving the body new ways of killing me.

And I have got to get serious about getting back into shape. I actually started a diet when daughter left, her goal was I would be down by 6 pounds when she returned. Well, I am holding at the 8 lost during that expected time frame. May as well continue and see if I can get myself back down to my semi-pro biking weight of 170. I might even win some races now that I am 20 years older than my last ride.....

And I have to get as stress free as possible, for the heart's sake if for no other. Not an easy task when your life has become a train wreak, you are mourning the loss of a loved one, and you are in college.

Yeah much to pray for and over, if you feel so led.

Conclusion

So with this post, I complete what I want to share concerning my daughter and our relationship.

When I went into this relationship, I tried to find out if what God was asking me to do was reasonable - there was nothing to be found. Yet, how can it be that NO ONE had ever done this before? As time and situation has shown, it is not uncommon and it seems to go sideways all the time. There is a point at which evil wins.

For me, I have a daughter whom is now estranged. I wasn't looking for a daughter when God did this to me, I still am not looking for one now, she was an exception. I see no reason to divorce her from my life - she may indeed need me again one day. So, though I am sure this raises her hackles because she wants me completely gone at this time - I still see her paths through the future, God still shows me her dreams and thoughts, God is forcing me to stay in place.....

So you are a guy and feel led to father the fatherless - good luck! Just know it is a harrowing road and I wish you better luck than anyone I know at doing this. It will rip your heart out. One other guy has come forward now, a pastor, whom told a tale almost identical to mine. He and his wife dearly loved the daughter, whom went sideways, but came back 21 years later! Mostly to apologize, mostly because she still needed a father.....

What does the future now hold? What path/paths shall we traverse.....?

Next question up is why have I said some of the things I have?

Well, that answer is actually interesting to me to explain, far more so than some of the posts were.

First, you have to understand that I have actually never had an emotion before. God hit me with one and I have no answer as to why he did this yet. So, it was new, it was bizarre, it was unique to my life. Since 99.9975% of you do suffer from such an affliction, I wanted you to see what it is like to experience what you take for granted. Yeah the percentage is statistically correct. The betrayal of that emotion was equally fascinating to me.

Secondly, I have been working on the book James for next year's studies. James is an interesting book - it shows just how human I became during half of this year. And yet, how can James call for what it does when only .0025% of the population would have a chance of doing so? Hmmmm, an oxymoron or is there something James says that Western Christianity has gotten wrong? I hope to have that one answered by September....

Thirdly, although should daughter have read my posts, I am sure I angered her beyond belief. But, since she would not communicate with me - she needed to understand the impact of her choices have on another human being - she is as equally responsible to me as I am to her, at least in God's eyes. Yeah, if she expects God to bless her for treating someone this way, when He forcibly set me into her life, well ..... it will not quite work out the way she wants it to be. And that truly does sadden me.

Finally, this is my life. She has played a role in it for thirteen years, quietly behind the scenes. I am not likely to ever forget this episode and I want those important to my life to understand the trauma and drama my life was exposed to through this year. They do not, in fact I have lost relationships with most of them - because I chose to obey God and would do it all over again - if I had to. Well, I might delete three weeks were there a next time and God just did not "hit me out of the blue with an emotion.....

Now, what to blog on next?

Quiet Confessions

God knows I am suffering, in quiet. Yeah maybe my I am verbose here but in life - nothing. I sincerely doubt she reads this, for the cruelty of her knowing how I have suffered and yet remained silent are unworthy of the woman I know.

The first to make a comment was Timothy. We were walking around the lake shortly to be his wedding site. His words were quiet, he was embarrassed, he spoke on the destruction of his marriage. I knew parts of it, I did not want to know all, it was none of my business. But, he told the tale of a fatherlerss girl and how he felt lead to be her father, of how her mother encouraged him to play an active role. Of how, once he had established that hard won relationship - she turned on him, humiliated him, destroyed his marriage. It did not matter he had done nothing wrong ..... Several years later the daughter came back into his life but it was never the same. How could it be? Both had been damaged by a war that should have never occurred. Satan won that round and was able to take her sideways. Once she figured out the betrayal, she terminated her mother in her life.

Friday night Dutchman talked about how he had done the same. To the same conclusion. Satan almost destroyed his marriage as well. The female, now two years later still has not come back, his pain I had never seen - though I had known a tiny piece of the story.....

And Swede then told of his two year effort to do the same. That betrayal I had witnessed personally. I even had tried to warn him of what was coming, but he too could not understand how someone whom professed love and identity could do anything like that. He never has been able to speak of her again and her actions even went so far as to destroy my friendship with her entire family. I never could figure that one out.....

I finally was able to talk with Gaelic Girl, to tell her what had occurred and why. She understood. She understands grief. She knows it will take time for me to recover.....

So much I would like to say, but there is danger (as I have learned) to someone knowing where their path leads.....

And I marvel: God's timing, God's comfort, God's hope.....

Tagged?

As I mentioned yesterday, men I know and yet have no relationship with, have gone out of their way this past week to seek me out - to pray with me - in person or via the phone. God is obvious working in the background attempting to lift me up from this subjection to death which now stalks me.

Making it worse, has equally been females doing the same. Only I know - have a relationship with almost none. Yet total strangers at the grocery store, literally deviate to accost me. My lawyers wife whom I have not spoken to in two years, suddenly needs to talk with me. On and on and on! I have today had to cast my eyes to the floor and just ignore this bizarreness! It was like there is a sign over me. "Attention Ladies, Screwed Over Guy!"

But it is a daughter I have lost, not a lover. So why this attention? What about me is drawing the flies.

As for me, I want to talk with my friend and her mother, but she is now avoiding texts and calls. Not like I have hounded her for any information. Could it be she is manipulating this entire situation - having no understanding as to what really was going on? Because I never even told daughter what was really happening....

In The Shadow of Betrayal

My body wages war against my being. Blood pressure now at stroke levels for over a week - and yet somehow God holds me together. The heart attack last Monday and continuing pain throughout my chest, arms, back and neck. There is no end to this it seems. I can not help but think that just five painless minutes of Yesfir's time and this could be ended - to know why..... to know what happened ..... to know how she could betray me.

But, God literally is holding me together and I understand this. He has brought some interesting men into my life this past week as well. Men I have known for years and yet never "clicked" with. I do not even have to say a word, they call, they come up to me and pray with me. There is no sign hanging on me, "Screwed over male, Needs prayer". And yet it happens.

As I lay in ER, with the nurse ever trying to install four IVs in me, I could not help but think of Jesus on his last night, his night of betrayal. When his friends betrayed Him, when his friends deserted Him, when He was left very much alone....

The pain of betray is very real. To know that one/ones you have loved and trusted have abandoned you. To know they were not your enemy and yet are they now?

Betrayal just does not happen. There is a pattern to it, desertions, fits of anger, there are signs it is coming. But, when you are clouded by the eyes of love, you never see it coming. So much precedes the betrayal that it should not be a surprise when it finally happens - yet it does.

And, if you love, you have the power of pardon. You can forgive, without being played a sucker.

Jesus was able to forgive his followers for their desertion. The one whom could not seek his forgiveness, He was never able to forgive.

Yes, I can forgive ..... because I too have been forgiven.

Please do not let this situation stand between us, it will be to both of our destructions.