Unchained

December 23, what a horrible night!

God saw fit to unleash that which I keep caged, that which I can not control, that which brings me unending sorrow.  Why unleash it if it is not to be used?
Why unleash it if only to torment me?
Why unleash it if only .....

It is 1975 again, I am reliving the hell of the betrayal of my bride.  No words could change her heart, no forgiveness great enough to cover her deceit, not even a perfect love could even have withstood that hit.
Then it is 2012 and I was hit with something I could no more explain than I could out guess it.  I had to cage it for it was destroying me.  I have had relative peace since.  But not so for one.

And not so since Sunday evening when suddenly I found myself completely enveloped by it.  Perhaps God was showing me how to control it, rather than the other way around.  Perhaps it purpose would be shown.  Perhaps I am going to go insane.....

In all things the REAL God is with us.
Through the big, the small, and the overtly hard to understand.
There comes a blessing with every burden or sorrow.
Properly experienced even the saddest things can become a source of wisdom and strength for what lies ahead.
And when our cry breaks forth from our heart, God answers with courage, love, insight, selflessness, and faith.

God held me through this week, safe, in my pain and terror.  He is my fortress, the refuge I flee to when I am overcome by what continues to try to drag me down.  Protecting me, providing me with knowledge, wisdom, consideration I am unworthy of and His perfect love.

And tonight, December 25th, I sit here the victim for 52 hours of what rages within me.  I understand it better now. but I can not control it.  I fear it for it is still alien to me.  I see it taking shape again, a form that terrifies me, for whom could understand?  If God is in control, I have no way to explain this.  But, through this year He has continued to show me He is in control, He will direct, I will follow, and I will be more despised than even today - in order to be whom and what He wants me to be.  Perhaps it will be so.   And if I am not insane, then I marvel for ..... it is step by step to seeing God's hand.

For now, He continues to force me into a repeated prayer over and over again daily, and give me hope where there is no hope.  To give me knowledge, to show me a road to travel, but I do not know when , how or actually why any longer.

And the unchained beats within my breast, searching for something which yet has to arrive, which yet has to occur, which yet is to be.....