Finally, A Normal Reading

Last night marked my very first normal blood pressure reading since the July 12 heart attack.

Of course, it was an isolated reading but you know, I am glad to see that my heart seems to be healing slightly anyways. Even at that, I see the damage within myself this betrayal has brought on - physically. Well, I was dying at the beginning of the year and would have been long gone by now, had I not of said, "Okay, Lord I will do it." Maybe the point of the entire catastrophe was for daughter to come to Christ. Maybe the rest was just - what? I can't believe that. There were too many specifics to what she needed trained in..... No, she had a purpose and a path. There was a plan for her.

Please keep up those prayers! I expect to live long enough for one last action of obedience a few years from now. If not with my daughter then with whom ever God raises up to fill her void. After that, well, there is no "after that's" for me - I already know the price of that one. But, daughter never could have understood. :^)

Of course, God may change the plan, He does do that when we do not stay in place and choose our way over His way. But, nothing I can do about that except pray.....

I had a long talk with her mother. I was more than likely blunter than usual. Like her daughter, she lives from one emotion to the next, but she does not understand what she has caused to happen will damage her daughter further. She only see life in terms of emotion; her daughter was hurting in June and she put it stop to it. Not hurting equals God's will, because He is a god of peace - conversely hurting means you are out of God's will. Doesn't seem to matter that hurting is also how we grow in our faith, or the price of not doing what God has told us, or in this case - would have lead to daughter learning her final lesson in stripping her worldview from her. Sigh.......

Yeah, well welcome to my world, where God is ruling, God is judgmental, God is sovereign and your desire for peace has little to do with His usage of you. She broke my daughter and now she will take her daughter back home, unfortunately to see that what she has done is create a worse problem than before. Sigh.....

Thoughts on Blogs

I have had a number of blogs through the years. My first was a blog dedicated to the adoption of and parenting of four older Russian children I had adopted. I actually won an award with the one from Yahoo in 2000! That was both unexpected and personally rewarding. However the cost of the hosting grew to exceed my finances.

I moved to MySpace and ended up in a church war, with my account hacked by haters and then deleted by "Tom". Yeah, never take on the pastor of another church and point out the error of his ways!l Yeah, the largest church in the entire area. He could not attack me publicly, so got me killed instead. As for Tom, when he sent me a friend request on FaceBook, I happily clicked the "Nope, you suck" button.

So, I moved to Blogger in 2004 and what followed were several years of the same, I lost the first five blogs and hundreds of posts - probably by the same people behind my MySpace death. But, I got smarter as time passed and Blogger was not exactly a great deal of help through this travail.

I recently consolidated all of my blogs under Blogger and this account. And it is darn interesting to see the statistics!

This blog runs about 497 readers daily. In order of sheer numbers: Russia, USA, India, China, Germany, Switzerland (hi cousins!), Malaysia, Philippines (Rissa!) and Brazil.

Diariuo di un Padre was a hidden site since I created in November of last year. It is only intended for my now estranged daughter, actually as a gift to her so as to remember a brief point in her life - with sadness and joy. But, since she seems bent on killing me in her life, I made it public and gave her mother the address to pass on to her. I am certain she did not pass it on, I should think the daughter I know would contact me, if her mother had. In any event, I was amazed to find that in one month of being public, it continues to hold at 30 +/- readers a day. The stories are meaningless to anyone but her, so I am clueless what people are finding in it to keep them reading.

Same is basically true of Lettere a una Figlia, the follow-on to my diary for my daughter. Although it seems to mostly deal with me dealing with the mess daughter has made of my life, so far. But, this situation has been extremely hard for me to deal with. And, I have been amazed to find that just slightly over one hundred a day are reading this blog! What the heck? Perhaps a heart's anguish is more interesting to people than I would have thought! Yeah, watch a Christian sociopath -soap opera- crater himself over having his heart ripped out and eaten before his dying eyes..... Good reading apparently for Russians and Chinese. Go figure.

As for my father's site, I took it down because I had used it to resolve my angst at his life and death. He was a man of mysteries to me and it took that little blog for me to sort out my feelings. I killed it when I was able to come to grips with life. But, I actually got emails to put it back up! Seems that amongst German's, first person experiences by someone whom had been in on the leading edge of technical creation during the war as well as surrounding the entire issue of the camps, is wanted! Sure surprised me. It still has a strong readership.

Someone recently was arguing to me that the entire "blog" experience was dead, dying and over.

Seems not....

Coincidence

In my world, purely through observation, I have found that there are NO coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. Everything is within God's control - only as long as we are. Everything will be understood, often much later.

My blood pressure is once again in the territory of stroke occurrence. Too darn hot, so too little sleep, too much pain - not like I would have gotten any sleep in any event - God had me up praying for Yesfir for four straight hours again last night. Shades of last fall and the spiritual warfare I was forced into, to reach Yesfir, as God had commanded me.

So tired, I was in Fred Meyers looking at the video, Tangled with my youngest grand-daughter, when it happened. My spirit leapt within me, for God's "gift" of telling me all things of Yesfir had woke up and I felt her spirit leap with joy at having seen me. I didn't know what to do, she was behind me and as I turned so knowingly did she, away. This reoccurred three more times. So, her spirit rejoices in seeing me - her being rejects me. Yeah, our will can over ride God's and our spirit quite easily.

I must protest God! I know there are no coincidences, she knows this as well. I know you set up opportunities for her to speak with me - but she refused and then compounded this three more times! You must have driven home the point to her heart after the fourth time. Did she even start to wonder at how she could hate me so?

Honestly Yesfir, what transgression? What sin, have I ever committed against you? What part of open, honest, truthful, transparent, and in love - did I ever violate with you. I really would like to know.....

I honestly feel sorry for you dear, your fight is not against me - it is against the spirit of this age whom has lied to you. And yes, I can stand in judgement against those whom have poisoned your spirit towards me. And I can just as easily welcome you back into my heart - because I never left you.

Be so very careful dear, you are forcing your time of decision, to occur too soon, while you are still ill prepared to face what lay on the other-side of that decision. Should you chose poorly - you will discover the real cost of living in the world. Please do not allow your pride to allow this to happen. Please do not do this until after your preparation. Remember what I told you - you do not live under a generational curse - you live in a long line of people whom God has called and they ALL have chosen poorly. There is a difference and it does not have to be this way at all.....

And you can change that future with just three words: spoken, texted, messaged, etc.

And I wait, as I have for over seven weeks now. Your father is not going anywhere - just waiting.....

Musical Saturday Morning

Well as you recognized, I did not post a video in July, my heart too stunned by the betrayal I was forced to have to live through. Originally, I was going to do one anyway, probably Billy Idol for as angry as I was, but those heart attacks got in the way.

This morning I am in a less expressive mood, so a little something from 1987. I loved this song when it came out but I often can not understand words in English when they are sung by Englishmen and they purposefully do not pronounce whole words. So for years I did not know what this song is about. My lawyer one day asked why I was whistling this song and I said that I really liked the melody. He snorted and asked if I knew what the words meant, of course not! So he explained them. Yeah, I was disappointed but it is still a beautiful melody and the guy's voice like velvet.....



And so, in my quieting pain, I resign myself to that future day, when I will be fully human and maybe understand.....

Another Loss

Thursday afternoon came the news of another loss of a friend. This one hurts much more than the loss of my ex-future father-in-law, this time it was a a woman whom in my mind ranks amongst the greats of Christianity. And remember, to be great, you must be the absolute least amongst the saints.

When I first stumbled upon this church, one extremely cold December's day in 1991, there was this woman. She instantly commanded my attention because a: she had the most awesome head of hair I have seen on any woman and before that b: she possessed a spirit of complete dedication to the Lord. Across random visits to this area I got to know her and her family better, ex-missionaries, hard workers in the local church, a life of hardship for which there was no bitterness what-so-ever. I was, and have remained, in awe of her across 21 years of knowing her and her family. The church lost quite a witness today.

When I brought my children to Seattle for US Immigration and Naturalization, her husband gave a Russian Bible to my oldest, whom could read. It thrilled her no end to actually possess a Bible much less to read about what she had heard of at monthly missionary visits to her orphanage on the Chechen border. That is the kind of people they were - in tune with God and willing to serve, they did not know I would be town on that Sunday with Russian children. Yeah, God is quite awesome.

I would say more. I owe it to her to do so, but on the off chance daughter is still reading this blog, I do not want to further stress her out. Yeah, I know that is cryptic, but even if she hates me, I will do what I can to protect her mind. Because something about Em - would click a memory in Yesfir's mind, of something I said she should not not have known about. Well, that ought to keep her guessing.....

Daughter, if you are at the memorial and I see you, can we talk - civilly to one another?

Random Discernments

I am so messed up mentally, i am questioning everything. Literally. Including my sanity at times. Did I miss something somewhere with daughter? Some clue that I could have caught and avoided this mess? Did I mishandle any part of the relationship? Questions, questions, questions.

So much of what I know about Yesfir was discerned, as it was revealed by God, not by any physical, mental or emotional clues. I do not make that claim in pride, if you have read my previous posting concerning this gift you understand that is almost too painful sometimes to experience.

And I questioned. Ok, God, think you have given me discernment - tell me about the people in my row - prove to me I am not going insane.....

I turned to the right, a man and two small boys. He had been in Hawaii, done too much drinking, got rolled, felt stupid - was not a Christian. He is divorced, she left him, his wife lives in Chicago while he and the boys in Ohio..... Fun so far, huh? Yeah, I could tell you lots more.

On my left, pleasant Japanese woman.No not a Christian ..... and yet, something intriguing. Something I have never encountered - a huge block of bitterness and anger, but not directed at anyone, it just seemed to define her. Maybe Kris is slipping? Why the mystery?

Farthest left, another Japanese woman. Another non-Christian and were it not for what God taught me through daughter, I never would have been able to understand the darkness, anger, bitterness and total horror laying just below the surface. I really wished there was something I could say, but I now, know better.

I was shaken. No Kris still has "it". I have not been mistaken, God is still at least talking with me.

It might anger me that the man and his wife broke up, but I sure have seen enough marriages die where the female just walks off these days. "I need romance/more coach purses/etc". But, it cheers me that he is caring for his boys. Boys need a father to become real men ..... a loving one that is. Now if only he would turn to God.

The farthest woman, what can one say? Certain damages are not recoverable from without an intense God effort. Be good to pray God does make that effort..... I have only ever been led to address this once with someone and that task is not completed yet and has been incredibly painful so far for all involved.

And the Japanese woman, so troubled, but why? I turned to physical observation - nothing unusual at all. What on earth could it be? It had my curiosity now. By the end of the flight I had figured it out, she had a handicap. Oh but let me tell you it was so well guarded and hidden, the average person would never have known unless you got into her life somehow. And that hatred and darkness? All directed towards herself because she is not "normal". I think it pleased her when I pulled my cane out of the overhead rack, I was not "normal" either.....

No, God still seems to be using and blessing me; and yet I am accursed by one whom should know - far better than anyone else ever has. And given what I have learned from daughter I can understand a little bit more of the puzzle of things God reveals; my daughter, the random Japanese woman on the plane, my American nephew's mother, the woman behind the Starbucks counter this morning, the girl in the hallway at the college. Broken beings, that never should have been broken. I can't actually "feel" anything for or about them. God told me how to "fix" daughter. I was specially selected, because I was broken, I had nothing to lose by saying "Okay, God one last assignment...". But, I can not reconcile what happened with daughter after she left. She was right, then she was wrong, and God is keeping me randomly blind. I feel so that she can make HER decisions - follow what she has seen and knows - or choose another way based on the fickleness of emotion.

And it does not take discernment to "know" that if God made an extraordinary effort to pull someone to Him, that there is a pressing reason. Yeah, but I wonder if you have figured it out yet? Not if your world view is still in place.....

In Memory Of

It is with sadness I write of the death of the man whom would have been my father-in-law, had he and his wife not so venomously reacted to this skinny German guy their daughter was hanging with and eventually agreed to marry.

The family was Swedish and as such, very tight knit - as in no outsiders allowed. Not only was I an outsider, I was a foreigner, a German with an interest in their daughter, a fashion model (as her mother had been). They were torn between anger and terrified of me all at the same time.

From my viewpoint, this was the very first Christian family I had seen the interior of. I wanted to learn, I wanted to know what a Christian man was, I was a brand new Christian myself.

Yeah, it did not go well. Twin cultures slamming head first into one another. So, their rejection of me was understandable. And, I was quite accustomed to rejection. So, not an immediate problem. But, he was to be the one to terminate my pending marriage.

So, you might come to think that our relationship was horrible, that we bore dislike through the years for one another. Nope.

God had me take on the entire church during one business meeting. The church was to vote to discredit a man's testimony, a man whom had troubles, a man whom looked to our church for help and was rebuffed. He was not "cool". So, I stood up and let both barrels fly. By the time God was done with them (I was just a mouth piece, and to this day I have no idea what I said!), many were in tears and a mini-revival broke out.

As I sat down, quite shaken because this is completely not like me, I saw this man. He had been quietly standing behind me. He stood and never said a word. His presence is what had shut up the critics. The man I had hoped would be my future father, whom bore such a strong dislike for me that he personally killed my marriage, had stood in support of what was being said. And the church understood exactly what was going on, God was talking through the silly German boy and this Swede was willing to lend a voice to shut them up - in spite of what he thought of me. Wow!

Yes, through the years I have thought of him often. About a decade later, I was able to see him a few times a year, when ever our paths would cross. He embarrassed, me just happy to see the first Christian man I had come to know - whom may not have liked me but had supported in a confrontation. He never could understand that joy I had in seeing him.

Decades later he had Dutchman pass his apology on to me, with a long explanation for the choices he had made. It haunted him what he and his wife had done to me, and ultimately their daughter. No she never did marry, spent years in therapy, with numerous attempts to kill herself. Very sad because I am not so sure any of it had to happen. Of course, it made a mess of me for a few years too. But, his wife had crossed my path and met my children just after I had adopted them. She was horrified/stunned to learn that their names were the ones they had picked out for their grandchildren, they never had. I still am a little torn between, this is a sickness to not let parents name their children, and thought of what part of God's determinative and permissive will exactly had occurred in my life. (Twilight Zone music please!)

I debated what to do now. Do I send a sympathy card to the family? Or do I quietly allow the past to lay? I would send a card but really do not want their daughter to think of contacting me, as Dutchman has said, she is not exactly normal mentally anymore. And, I think I have enough problems of my own for now.....