Normal, One Day?

Since last May, I have gone from no emotion ever, to God seeing fit to give me one - a miracle no one could ever have envisioned to have occurred.  It took me three weeks to master it and lock it up tight.  But, God can be very, very persistent - especially when there might have been a reason for it in the first place.

There were momentary escapes by said emotion until the end of December, when as misfortune would have it, God saw fit to block my ability to cage or ignore it any longer - I was going to have to learn to deal with it.  It was set free, only now there was a noted change - no longer raw, no longer overcoming, it had mellowed, matured, it was warm, and personally very frightening.

I find now that I am like a computer with twin operating systems.  One is the old me - inhuman in my detachment.  The other this mellow, feeling creature.  And I have the ability to over ride it, if need be.  To switch on, to switch off at will but never to abandon for long it seems .....

I sit at one month of pseudo-normalcy.  I can understand now where once Gaelic Girl was in her emotions, I never could have known, thirty-five years too late it seems.  It has shown me the real problem with my self-estranged sister in the Lord.  I never could have understood.  It took my Niece to help me to know, to understand and then see / understand / experience compassion.  A few extremely horrible days in there.  Emotion sucks.  Yet, were it not for it, I would never have learned that there was someone whom trusted me far more than I could know.  Emotion ..... a quandary.

And I wonder, will I one day be normal?  Is that blooming emotion going to one day fully control me?  Will I finally be human one day?  And to what purpose?  Will this be a blessing or a curse?  Am I going to end up a liberal?  Will it be something that is required for me to be able to do some task in the future?  How can having an emotion make whatever lay ahead easier?  I trust cold - calculating Kris, it is the emotional one I see as being less effective and far more dangerous to me personally.....

Lots of questions, no answers, maybe ten years from now in hindsight I will know the whys and wherefores of this.  But not today.

To my Niece and dear friend, thank you - for your patient willingness to help me see, to learn, to understand.  You are awesome.  You did not have to, but you chose to, very much I am blessed.

And this in the midst of continuing to see all eroded away from me.  In my mind's eye I see a Kris, left with nothing that anyone would call precious, my very name a curse to those whom once knew me, but even if alone - healed through a miracle, blessed by God and an unknown future calling me away to paint far away places and ..... ?