Divorce In The Church

Right up front I will admit I have a prejudice on this topic, my parents separated on my 17th birthday and then divorced on my 18th birthday (thanks folks for ruining that day!).  Like all of us, most of my friends have experienced one or more divorces in their families through the years.  Divorce is an evil that is eating at the core of the Christian family today – and only YOU can do something about it!

If you stuck with the concept of marriage within your faith, you are on better ground than those whom have not.  Their marriages will probably end in divorce long before you run into struggles, but everyone will eventually run into problems in their marriage.  If you never were able to learn the difference between love and infatuation, you are already on the wrong path for a long term marriage.  When problems arise, they can be devastating when your marriage is based upon the wrong grounds.  It might be year three or year thirty.  Heavens I know one couple whom divorced after 55 years of marriage!  (Never did understand that one!)

In America , you just need to have “differences” in order to file for a divorce.  It used to be you had to at least have an actual CAUSE for a divorce and even then the court had to actually THINK through the process to see if any chance of reconciliation was possible.  Today, “Your breath smells bad in the morning!” is sufficient grounds - and you are out of there (and probably already in the arms of another you picked out long ago)……

We are told God allows for divorce due to the hardness of OUR hearts.  Yeah, not something your spouse did, but the unloving and unforgiving nature of your own heart.  And what was the Biblical basis for divorce?

• Abandonment – usually man leaves, woman may pursue through court action to get her “letter” of divorce – freeing her from this commitment.
• Virginity – woman was not a virgin on the wedding night, nothing to do with her and her husband’s indiscretion prior to the marriage.

Yeah, you will hear different versions of this from your pastor or in 'christian' books, but sorry – those are ALL we have to work with from the early Jewish documents and The Bible.  Everything else is just unsupportable wishful thinking.  So, if you believe adultery or brutality or financial failure or whatever else you can think of is a valid Biblical reason for your divorce, you have been misled by our permissive culture – just like so many others.

So are there any exceptions here?  Yeah, one really big one that is a problem in our culture today – if you have had premarital sex with your spouse – you may NOT under ANY condition divorce them.  You can holler no fair all you want, but that is what the Bible teaches……..

I will completely agree with you that adultery is just about unforgivable, but it was not given in scripture as an example for divorce.  It was an example for stoning though….. (Hmmmm, one could argue from logic here, since adultery no longer carries a death sentence in our culture, that divorce is the reasonable alternative.  But, I would hesitate to outguess God on this one and honestly, given a prosecution free opportunity, I would have taken care of my ex-best friend and my fiancée once and for all…...)

I completely agree with you that God did not create your spouse, nor you, to be the object of physical abuse.  In the Middle East , your family had another way of caring for this, other than divorce, but the quest of this blog is not to advocate forms of violence…..  Protecting yourself and your children must be your primary concern in a situation such as this!

So, you are the victim of a marriage gone awry – what are you to do?

First, I am very impressed with the “Boundary” series of books; there are boundaries published for most relationship situations – marriage, dating, kids, etc.  I don’t agree with everything they will tell you – as they are heavily American Cultural saturated, but they are a place from which to start controlling your relationships with others around you.  Mostly the ideas seem Biblical and/or reasonable (I would wish more on the Biblical end though!).

Second, most churches offer counseling or have older couples whom are willing to lend an ear and some sage advice from their years of marriage.  If nothing else – they offer prayer – and prayer does change things – often your own viewpoint.  

If none of this is available through your church – time to move to a real church!

Third, understand you may need to separate legally, until such time as your spouse can get their act together and prove to you their change of heart and desire to reunite as a couple.  This will offer some protection to you in the event of violence or sexual misconduct.  You may truly need this protection as well.  You may even need to completely change your life-job-town, in order to protect yourself should your spouse go completely psycho (if they cannot find you, you will be safe).  But, resolving your issues is very difficult this way.  This is not an easy area to advise on!

And you need to understand, that in no case has anyone whom has done this for over a year, that I know of, had their marriage survive.  Inevitably, the wrongful spouse decides to go the divorce route and then within 3 years finds out how messed up they really are and wants to come back – to a very cold reception.  It is amazing how consistently these situations work out!

But, the big point here is: if you call yourself a Christian you should not initiate a divorce!  Even if you are abandoned, you can still file for separation and live your life as a single – albeit – married Christian.  Yeah, maybe you can justify to yourself that you deserve love, etc and should remarry.  But, you know, the Bible does not agree with you.  In hunting terms, you get one lifetime tag for a spouse – you blow it – you have used your tag and that is the end of the conversation…..

Makes you want to be a little more careful, eh?

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So in wrap up:

• Divorce is almost unsupportable Biblically
• You both need to understand boundaries within your marriage
• When problems arise, you don’t keep them secret, you seek prayer and counsel
• The point of any difficulty is to resolve your problems
• In the rare case, separation may be required to work though your problems
• The point of separation is to get back together as a couple
• You must be transparent enough to share your testimony with others…..

Marriage

Once upon a time, a question was asked in my Sunday School – “What is marriage?”

The context was: what is the nature of marriage – spiritual, governmental or physical? Talk about a can of worms! Pretty much no matter how this question could be answered – some parent, somewhere, was going to be offended and be calling me - as usual.....

Is a marriage a civil matter controlled by the government, or a religious observance controlled by the church or just a physical condition between two parties? Getting an idea now as how fractious this may become? Or the one point argued the hardest: you decide you need to get married (hormone surge?) – so, you go out, capture someone and that is good enough (infatuation?)! Yuck, so much for romance! That is worse than having an arranged marriage!

In America , your local civil authority issues you a marriage “license”, which allows you to then appear before a judge or a “licensed” minister to actually marry you. So, the American government has taken the authority, since they are not bound to issue a “license”, without which you may not be married. Even if you choose not to do this and live together, the federal government designates you as married anyway, after three years! Got to tax the married couples as much as possible!

Of course, the concept of marriage is not an American cultural product. So, marriage must be something other than a civil authority issuing a “license”. It must be more than a white dress worn down an aisle. Much more than the quality of a diamond ring. More than even words spoken by nervous young people in front of friends and family. So what is marriage?

We argued this for weeks in class, including having some very sharp minds become involved and this was the conclusion – an answer which must transcend culture, religion, nationality, etc:
“A man and a woman, coming together with a common goal or viewpoint, in support of one another, for the welfare of one another (common good), to form a single corporate identity.”

Hmm, not very romantic. And, I will remain adamant this must also fall within either the determinative or permissive Will of God for your lives. Call me a hopeless romantic but I still hold that God is active in all choices we make, if we let HIM. If we do not include HIM, well only disaster will follow!

So, it is not you running off to Oregon and checking into a hotel, it is not all of the pomp of a formal wedding, it is not even the signing of a piece of paper by someone “licensed” to do so.

But interestingly, our basic definition is not what I see every day in those around me. It is not two people with separate incomes, separate checking accounts, sharing expenses. How can that even be called a “marriage”? You are still living your life separately like you were both still single! Oh sure you are sleeping together but there is no commitment to one another. And yet, this is not uncommon at all.

In my own church I have seen far worse than this, young couples whom do not even eat together! Yah, not only do they both work, both have their own financial arrangements, but they also have their own eating styles/habits/dining friends and never the two shall meet. That includes weekends as well. Literally, they are the worse married couple I have ever seen – you have to shake your head and wonder why, or whatever caused them to marry in the first place!

I know a few in the church have attempted to address this bizarre arrangement but no one can tell them anything. Apparently, they are quite happy not sharing in each other’s lives. (Don’t ask me, I’m the romantic!)

I guess I look backwards through time, when the village came together to recognize the joining of two people in marriage. A time before formal "church" involvement, before civil governments figured out it was a way to make a steady income, a time when DeBeers did not exist. It was a time of celebration and joy – not a time of debt and social statements.

Today’s marriage ceremonies certainly put on a good show, but this hardly makes a marriage.

Too often the couple has not known one another properly nor long enough to have any form of commitment beyond that of an infatuation. When I attend the weddings of my kids from Sunday Schools, I can pick the winners and the losers. I know which couple started as friends, which couple has formed the bonds of commonality, or which couple spent their time playing house – rather than getting to actually know one another, which couple was manipulated into the union. There is no rocket science here.

Just as baptism is your public display of your redemption and faith – the wedding celebration is the public acknowledgment of your being bound to one another for a lifetime.

And that, I think, paints a rather beautiful picture…..

There is Hope – Tales Of Four Couples

Well, we have beaten to death the concept of non-Christian dating and marriage!  But, lest you have lost heart I want to share the stories of four contemporary couples whom did make it – from idealistic to less so….

For most idealistic – I choose Caleb.  He was interested in a girl in his high school and went to her father, asking him to allow him to date her and followed ALL of the rules.  Even when they went off to the same college, he would still call the girl’s father and ask if it was ok to take her out, as well as, a return call to let him know all was well.  Wow!  As a parent, I want this guy for my daughter!  In fact, I had sort of hoped….. :^(

Many years later they were to marry and what a testimony they have brought into the Christian community!  Yes, you can live by rules and not hormones.  Yes, you can work with parents and still have fun.  Wow!  

Next, I will pick on Josiah.  You have no idea how much I like this young man, he has that indescribable quality that says, “I am going somewhere!”.  A born leader, an observant follower, with a bit of a rebel streak in him.  He liked my Sunday School class enough - he started bringing his girlfriend, whom then started coming regularly.  I was surprised years later to find out her father was a pastor and it really was a big deal for her to be attending my class.

But, back to them.  One day, we were having a group discussion about dating and I was voicing my concerns over the youth of today – from what I observed in our church.  Out of nowhere, she says, “Actually, Josiah and I have never even held hands much less kissed.  We want our first kiss to be at the altar.”  

Whoa!  The other young women all looked at her like she was crazy, but we used her to have a talk with the high school girls later on about dating.  What a testimony she shared!

Like my first example, they too married, in what had to be one of the most humorous of ceremonies ever – and a reception involving a trampoline.  I thought I was going to be sick I was laughing so hard!  Of course, us old ones usually are forgotten by the young ones – until something comes up they can’t handle.  So, they must be doing well.

One of the most expressive young women I have ever met was Cindy.  She was short, with flaming red hair and an outspoken witness for Christ.  She also was extremely outspoken about Bud being her husband.  Bud was a few years older, an elder and unfortunately for Cindy – had no interest in her at all.  Bud dated everybody, was engaged at least three times and Cindy was constantly in a state of trauma over how stupid “her man” was!  Yah, I heard all about it, often.  I may even have permanent hearing loss from a few of those sessions!

I can remember one campout in particular we had on the Washington coast.  Bud, standing in the background, was leading a Bible study; several of us were gathered around a fire several hundred feet away.  Cindy sat with her back to him, not by design, so if you looked at her, you were also looking at Bud.  Bud had just announced, yet again, another engagement, this time to Sheila – blonde and devastating.  Cindy was outraged.

We were praying with her and attempting to offer comfort, when she turned her face towards heaven and in a rage screamed, “I am really angry with you God!”, all the while shaking one of her little fists at the sky.  Were it not so unexpected, it might have been humorous!  She then collapsed into tears for the rest of the night.  Bud never had clue.

Ok, process check here.  Bud obviously was either mistaking his hormones or infatuation for God’s leading concerning the spouse he was seeking.  He was a great man of the Word and we just could not understand how someone so obviously in touch with God, could be so blind as to how he was blocking God’s leading in this one area of his life.  But, then he liked blondes, not redheads.  He liked modeling material, not normal.

Yeah, like all of the others, Sheila literally left him at the altar and he was destroyed.  Guess who was still there waiting to pick up the pieces?  Yeah, Cindy.  They did get married sometime later, he had to learn a few things about love, Cindy already knew, and as far as I know have lived happily ever after.  (Actually, I would have made Bud suffer a little here for the years of torment though..…)

And now for Tracy , I had a real love-hate relationship with this guy.  On the one hand, he was my boss and I was sort of in training under his watchful eye at church.  I loved my job and he was very supportive.  On the other, he was a macho egotist whom I don’t think really liked his wife at all.  I would be forced to just bite my tongue (I have the scars to prove it!).  Were I older, I probably would have smacked him upside the head or at least spoken my mind – but I was afraid of losing my job.  Our relationship was not very friendly once I really knew him.

Over the three years I knew him and his wife, I was to learn that almost no aspect of his life was reasonable.  But, his wife stood behind him when a normal person would have cut and run long ago.  She loved him, he obviously had been infatuated with her when they married and was now looking for a way out.  I would read and reread my Bible nightly trying to understand him and be just unable to reconcile the Word with his life.  I was a new Christian and it simply made no sense to me!  Could a Christian - not be a Christian?

And this is why, even though married I picked him as an example.  This Christian young lady had obviously married a “Christian”.  He knew the language and could even pretend for short periods of time to be one.  But, he wasn’t.  I doubt she was actually fooled in her heart, but she had allowed herself to marry outside of her faith, and she knew she made excuses for him, in order for him to be acceptable to her at first.  But she really reaped the whirlwind, let me tell you!

And then, I was to witness God moving in this man’s life, the most frightful thing there is to see.  Tracy ’s business – a personal pride and joy for him and actually a fairly safe money generator, unexpectedly went into bankruptcy.  It surprised him about as much as anyone in the Church.  This caused the financial ruin of many of his family and friends across the next several months.  Of course, those in the church immediately stepped in to begin condemning him and his lifestyle.  

As for his wife?  She stuck by him through what had to literally be the most miserable experience possible for anyone.  Utter humiliation, treated with nothing but contempt and everyone telling her to save herself and get a divorce!  (Yah, God was not exactly the “god” of that church…..)

Then one day, about a year later, his eyes were opened and he suddenly could see everything clearly - that he was a miserable human being, much less a “christian” and he owed his wife far more than he could ever repay in this lifetime.  He repented big time, and with his wife - this time at his side, set forth upon an entirely new life together dedicated to sharing their lives and worshipping God.  Let me tell you I will never forget them standing up before the church one Sunday evening as they gave a testimony about all of the above.

Gees, it still chokes me up!

Not all mismatches end so well.  There are way too many Tracy ’s out there preying upon Christian young women.  Most of these disasters will end in divorce.  Most involve a head-strong young woman marrying a “christian” or an outright non-Christian man, whom may not even be a good pretender.  Usually this is done against the advice of everyone whom really loves the girl, though she will not listen because the “world” is against her love for this guy.  But, that really does not help her with the future choices she will now have to face and never would have been so – if she had listened to the council of her elders, family and friends.

Best bet – stay safe – stay sane – stay within your faith!!!!!!!!

(“Tracy” and “Cindy”, you know whom you really are, if you read this drop me an email…….!)

Convenience or Belief?

So far we have looked at two problems within the church today:

• The hunting of non-qualified spouses
• Marriages to non-Christians, by Christians

We justify the hunting of non-Christians through various, albeit incorrect, arguments or reasoning’s.  Rarely will you ever hear it condemned.

We justify to ourselves marriages to non-Christians or “Christians” with sometimes equally poor judgment.  Sometimes, there will even be those whom would wag their tongues behind our backs, but without an “in your face” moment – after all, they are not supposed to be judgmental.  Right?

Of course not! To NOT confront your sister or brother in the Lord is to display the worse kind of contempt, not only for them, the Lord, but also yourself.  This is called “hatred”.  Not the love you are commanded to have for one another! (disagree? look it up and read the whole passage!)

And here is where the questions comes in:

• Do you have a belief in God, in all aspects of your life - or is your faith a matter of “convenience”?
• Do you believe that going into marriage with a non-Christian, or “Christian”, is ok?  Even when your Bible tells you not to?  Then you really need to get a grip on your personal theology and start following what you claim your faith is based on!

So, if marriage to a non-Christian is wrong, then why would you consider dating non-Christians?  In Hollywood , dating is for “fun”, as a Christian, sorry but that kind of “fun” is not supposed to be in your walk with the Lord.  (yeah, I know, it is just a movie, a dinner, whatever. yeah....)

Turn off the TV, open up your Bible and start trying to understand it is not about you – it is about your testimony – it is about your service to HIM.  Try to understand that you and a non-Christian have NO basis for an understanding about life.

Of course, that is the rub here – you, as a Christian, are supposed to have nothing in common with the world and how it operates.  You are supposed to be what is different - drawing others to the Lord because of that difference.  But, if you are sleeping with the devil, where's your witness and impact?  If you would like to argue this – let me know and I will add you to my prayer list and encourage you through scripture………….

Letting God Lead

Yes, I do believe God does bring couples together for more than just ‘controlling our desires’.  Especially, when He has a ministry in mind and the couple’s combination of gifts, talents, and knowledge will be needed for success.  Also, Paul tells us some ministries require you to be married in the first place (another topic for a later time!).

I also know God does set aside some of us from marriage to be free to serve Him as required – and I have the greatest admiration for them and their faith!

I do believe that if you desire a spouse, God probably does have someone out there for you.  Difficulty is, that someone may not be quite what you are looking for or expecting – so you may well reject them without ever realizing this.  Also, they may well not wait around for you to get your act together.  Or worse, your choices in life may well leave you in a state which will make you undesirable to them!  This process is pretty horrible to view as a spectator – especially when everyone is the exception and everyone ‘knows’ what is best for them.

Tell you what, if you have a history of chasing blondes, don’t try and tell me God’s choice for you is the final blonde you settle on.  God is not that shallow, but you are.

Don’t try and tell anyone that ‘God’ has revealed your spouse to you and that special someone needs to marry you in the next 30 days because their visa is expiring.  Sorry, God is never in a rush, but you are.

Unless something is really wrong with your relationship with God, I firmly believe He is fully capable of talking to you and letting you know when you have met the ‘right’ one.  There is no need for others to reveal this to you, much less via ‘prophetic utterance’ or ‘vision’ or ‘dreams’ or whatever other such nonsense you have surrounded your faith with!  Sorry, but there is no pope of marriage, I am aware of.

(My apologies to any Catholics offended by this reference, not my intent or  point!  But, what else do you call these self styled authorities on match-making?)

Dating a non-Christian?  Playing house already?  Then it is time to give that ‘special’ someone the heave-oh and get Biblical with your faith!  Yes, being ‘alone’ is far superior to what you are doing to your life and faith!

In order to find qualified Christians, for dating, go to where Christian singles are: Bible Study, Church, various Christian events.  Do not even think of dating someone you are not 100% certain is a solid Christian first - 1% of uncertainty – too bad, so sad, bye-bye.  Of course, maybe that 1% problem can be managed or overcome, so maybe it is not ‘bye-bye’ but ‘only if fully chaperoned’.  Yeah, even if you are 50, you are still not too old for a third party to see that you and the other retain both your testimonies!

There are plenty of single Christians out there, but you have to be willing to pray, seek and wait for the ‘right’ one – remembering God probably will surprise you – in time, but not now.  

Waiting means you must be willing to live your life in such a way as a Godly candidate will want you in return…..

Canning

So this week has been spent canning with my oldest daughter.  We had a great time, interspersed with toddler tantrums, but hey, they are toddlers after all.

We made Blackberry, Raspberry, Plum-Cherry, Plum with extra Cherry! jams, and Grape Jelly.  Very messy but very much fun.

To round out the effort I whipped up some Brandied Plums, which ought to be ready just about Christmas time!  Lucky children.

So in all 50 pints of jam, 18 pints of jelly and 9 pints of brandied plums.

Next up, next week is an effort to make bbq sauce.....

Unequally Yoked

This is a bad example, but:

Let us say your father tosses you the keys to the car, hands you a twenty and asks you to drive over to the local burger joint and pick him up a burger – mustard and pickles only.  He has given you everything you need, told you what to do, so there should be no problem – right?

You leave and come back with his request:

A chicken sub sandwich. Hey, it is healthier for him right?  Hmmm, but not quite what was asked for though by your father…..

Same idea is behind the question of Christians looking for their spouse.  If you are a Christian, Paul tells you to marry another Christian.  How come?  Well, think about the long term problems of being married to a non-Christian - your spouse will:

* Not want to go to church with you
* Will not understand giving, much less tithing
* Will not be able, nor want to, discuss the Bible with you
* Will die and go to Hell
* Will not agree to your child raising ideas
* Will not agree as to kinds of friends
* Will not agree as to kinds of activities
* Will not pray with you
* Will be in your face over your petty beliefs
* Truly will not understand the concept of faith
* Will eventually erode your faith down to their level

So, if being in a constant state of warfare is your idea of marriage, you will have exactly what you are seeking, because you married a non-Christian.  And you can expect a looming divorce in your future.  It is not a guarantee – but you should start expecting it now – before you get married, because it is coming.

Yah, I know, your marriage will be the one exception…..

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Paul is being far from unreasonable when he tells you, as a Christian, to marry a Christian.  He understood the power of shared prayer, shared study, shared faith.  He knew that for true “oneness” to occur, you had to both have the same basis of life - Christianity.

So many women I have known and know today, plus one guy, just do not understand this one simple verse from Paul.  Blame hormones (“He/She is so hot!”), a coddling society that allows its young the freedom to perform stupid acts (“Hey, they can get it right the next time around!”), or even an educational system dedicated to destroying your child’s belief through logic (apparently burger does equal chicken sandwich!).

No matter where you wish to fix blame – the problem is today’s Christian.  They don’t really see the relevance of the Bible any longer.  It has some great stories and many good ideas, but it just does not work in a world ruled by your hormonal needs which demand satisfaction – ‘now’.  After all, the Bible is 2,000 years old and was written to a different people, with less of an education than you have, in a very different setting, and it does have some translation problems after all.

Sound familiar?

Like it or not, believe it or not, want it or not – your opinion really has no validity here: the Bible is the standard by which you are going to be judged.  No, you are not going to go to Hell because you married a non-Christian – you just may think you have arrived there after a few years in that marriage though.  And it is not as if Christian marriages don’t have problems – they do, but if both hearts are sold out to God, there are at least a few recourses they can turn to in order to settle differences – building an even stronger marriage in the process – before complicating their lives with a divorce.

And, I offer this: if you want to have God’s blessing in your marriage and life, it is not going to happen the way it could have, when you marry that special somebody, whom is so hot, and will become a Christian later ("you just know it!").  No, in all of the cases I can think of, not a one of them became Christians after the marriage.  No standard was applied to them before marriage, so no standard would apply afterwards as well.  With one exception, all ended in divorce.  With two exceptions, none made it past 3 years even.

So, as I opened with - if divorce is what you want in your life, go ahead and marry that non Christian.  You will be getting exactly what you want and are asking for. Heck, in the end, you can always blame it on God anyways, right?

Except, you should have known better, because you have already been told - 2,000 years ago!  Just pick up The Book and start living your ‘faith’!  It is not as hard as you think.....