Marriage

Once upon a time, a question was asked in my Sunday School – “What is marriage?”

The context was: what is the nature of marriage – spiritual, governmental or physical? Talk about a can of worms! Pretty much no matter how this question could be answered – some parent, somewhere, was going to be offended and be calling me - as usual.....

Is a marriage a civil matter controlled by the government, or a religious observance controlled by the church or just a physical condition between two parties? Getting an idea now as how fractious this may become? Or the one point argued the hardest: you decide you need to get married (hormone surge?) – so, you go out, capture someone and that is good enough (infatuation?)! Yuck, so much for romance! That is worse than having an arranged marriage!

In America , your local civil authority issues you a marriage “license”, which allows you to then appear before a judge or a “licensed” minister to actually marry you. So, the American government has taken the authority, since they are not bound to issue a “license”, without which you may not be married. Even if you choose not to do this and live together, the federal government designates you as married anyway, after three years! Got to tax the married couples as much as possible!

Of course, the concept of marriage is not an American cultural product. So, marriage must be something other than a civil authority issuing a “license”. It must be more than a white dress worn down an aisle. Much more than the quality of a diamond ring. More than even words spoken by nervous young people in front of friends and family. So what is marriage?

We argued this for weeks in class, including having some very sharp minds become involved and this was the conclusion – an answer which must transcend culture, religion, nationality, etc:
“A man and a woman, coming together with a common goal or viewpoint, in support of one another, for the welfare of one another (common good), to form a single corporate identity.”

Hmm, not very romantic. And, I will remain adamant this must also fall within either the determinative or permissive Will of God for your lives. Call me a hopeless romantic but I still hold that God is active in all choices we make, if we let HIM. If we do not include HIM, well only disaster will follow!

So, it is not you running off to Oregon and checking into a hotel, it is not all of the pomp of a formal wedding, it is not even the signing of a piece of paper by someone “licensed” to do so.

But interestingly, our basic definition is not what I see every day in those around me. It is not two people with separate incomes, separate checking accounts, sharing expenses. How can that even be called a “marriage”? You are still living your life separately like you were both still single! Oh sure you are sleeping together but there is no commitment to one another. And yet, this is not uncommon at all.

In my own church I have seen far worse than this, young couples whom do not even eat together! Yah, not only do they both work, both have their own financial arrangements, but they also have their own eating styles/habits/dining friends and never the two shall meet. That includes weekends as well. Literally, they are the worse married couple I have ever seen – you have to shake your head and wonder why, or whatever caused them to marry in the first place!

I know a few in the church have attempted to address this bizarre arrangement but no one can tell them anything. Apparently, they are quite happy not sharing in each other’s lives. (Don’t ask me, I’m the romantic!)

I guess I look backwards through time, when the village came together to recognize the joining of two people in marriage. A time before formal "church" involvement, before civil governments figured out it was a way to make a steady income, a time when DeBeers did not exist. It was a time of celebration and joy – not a time of debt and social statements.

Today’s marriage ceremonies certainly put on a good show, but this hardly makes a marriage.

Too often the couple has not known one another properly nor long enough to have any form of commitment beyond that of an infatuation. When I attend the weddings of my kids from Sunday Schools, I can pick the winners and the losers. I know which couple started as friends, which couple has formed the bonds of commonality, or which couple spent their time playing house – rather than getting to actually know one another, which couple was manipulated into the union. There is no rocket science here.

Just as baptism is your public display of your redemption and faith – the wedding celebration is the public acknowledgment of your being bound to one another for a lifetime.

And that, I think, paints a rather beautiful picture…..