Emptied

Thursday was an odd day, I never saw it coming.  Even when I was surrounded by it, and simply just trying to survive, I never understood where I was.  Sure there were lots of reasons but no, the day ran independently from me - out of control - and me just holding on by a thread.  Codeine, slipped discs, the incredible increase in swelling in my leg, with associated pain and a heart going down the toilet.  Then came the attack.  Just not good no matter whom I would have been.

And Friday I was emptied, there was nothing left of me or for me.  The previous day more than I could bare.

Stripped even further bare than I was three weeks ago, I did not think there was anything left.  I was wrong, there was what I still clung to, yet that was stripped away from me.

And so my old self defense mechanisms slammed back into place.  Kris is funny again, the life of every gathering, people like me again!  And I am completely dead on the inside, because there is nothing left.  A clown wearing a Kris suit.

Nothing to point to, nothing to understand, except the non-understandable.

So, stripped, standing still, awaiting a bright idea of what to do, or to randomly encounter change ...

Yet, there is still left what is base to me, my love of God, the gifts He gave me, the love God placed in me ... nothing else is left.  Not even tears are left.  And quite alone.