Frustration

Frustration of whom I was.
Frustration at whom I became.
Frustration for whom I am.

You could translate frustration into stress.
Stress into pain.
Pain into sorrow.

Sure, I can flick the switch, from feeling to feeling or not at all.
But, sorrow I can not turn from.
Sorrow speaks of the dark.....
A place you can not go.

That lone emotion
Singly directed
Random
I can not control.

Why OH GOD, did you so "bless" me?
It tears at my soul.
Each time with knowledge.
It drives me into prayer more times a day than I can count.

No, not for me
But my daughter
Protection
Revelation
Reconciliation

All needed
All sought
But at a price she can not pay

In love
In honesty
In transparency
In truth

A standard I set
A standard God holds me to
A standard which can not be violated.

And I still stand
Without condemnation by God
For I have done as told
To the sorrow of my own heart.

Linux

As part of my computer classes this quarter I have to create and configure a Linux machine -  God what a pain!  Not an easy to figure out  product and not much in the way of hints as to how to know if you are doing this correctly!

But, I think I have something working now, maybe.  No real idea yet.

Well, must now take a look at getting my car worked on!

Ding-Ding

Yeah, the chest pains are back and I have been praying for their going away - and they did!

For a moment there I saw myself ending back up in emergency this morning!

As with yesterday, God took away the pain, once I prayed.

Given this is the worse year of my life, I guess physical issues are bound to crop up.

Sort of sad that there would be many to mourn my passing but few to rejoice in my survival.....

More Stress

It has been a hard day.

School is actually easy so far, but it is still increased stressed and my body is rejecting this idea.

And I did some soul searching, in the end helping to reduce my stress.

But, I recognize the signs now that I still have not gotten over last weeks stress test.

Prayer appreciated.

Stress

My missing daughter lays on my heart like a brick.  Add to this that for a week now I have been having to also pray for her mother, but having no context for those prayers and it has been hard on my stress levels.

But, if God tells me to pray, I pray.  It is all I can do, in the blackness of relationship I have been cast.

So, not much ability to post.  Travelling, praying and just life made for a very full week or so since I last posted.

Please join me in prayer for both of them.....

So Hard

Prayer is now labored and I know not why.

I "know" that God has moved in someway, something has changed, in the lifes of my daughter and her mother.  But, not for the better.

I struggle to pray because I do not know how to pray for whatever the needs is...

Hospital

So today and tomorrow, I am at the hospital having my heart tested to see if they can find out what went wrong in July.

I told them it was stress brought on by my daughter's actions.

No, too simple it seems.

So, lots of needles today as they attempted to bring on another heart attack, I swear!

Off To School

Yes, it is registration day, get my parking pass day, get my books day! Expect to be very tired of standing in line this afternoon!

Wish me luck!

Berry Picking

Around the lake are numerous patches of blackberries and across the last several weekends the grand kids have been grazing through those patches, like gophers in a tulip field!

Two Years Old

My youngest grand daughter turned two years old today.

So, met with the kids at Azteca to celebrate her birthday - but oh was she in an evil mood! I guessing her two's are not going to be much fun.

But, in my spirit, I suspect strongly half of the problem was that her mother was there and she has not seen much of her for a while. Just a guess. I know this daughter is completely clueless with her daughter.

And, I could not help but wish estranged daughter was here, her favorite aunt whom she still looks for around the house and tries to say her name. It crushes my spirit how daughter's disappearance and expressed hatred of me has even affected this grand daughter..... I still continue to pray for my daughter, God's protection, her return.

Well, time to think in terms of what is for dinner tonight.....

Do the Puyallup!

Yup, it is fair time again out here and I went today. It was fun, beautiful weather and since I am so well employed, I was able to go for the whole afternoon.

Gaelic Girl had left some items for me to enter into the various contests and she won two ribbons! So she is happy. I am stuffed from all of the food. And, utterly exhausted from all of the walking around. Plus, I got to see a handful from my current church, on their way to see Toby Mack (?). I sat through his rehearsal, so sort of glad I did not pay for that one!

Night all!

Senior Moment

I had one of those senior moments yesterday, you know, you forget something you are supposed to know! ARGH! I hate it when it is just there. on the tip of the brain stem, and nothing.....!

Yes, I forgot the address for my blog. But, it was also a God moment, as you will shortly see.

So, I googled my address and got one hit, I did not even look, I just clicked. And up came the page for a woman in the mid-west, someone whom is an award winning photographer and writer. So, I was suddenly sidetracked - this is going to be good I thought!

But, as I looked through her photos, they were "off", something not right about them. Some nudity, nothing tastless, but it was worse "off" than the rest of the photos. They would be called artistic. They let me unsettled, no not because I am a guy, but because God was trying to tell me something and I was not seeing what He was seeing. So, I roamed through the various paths eventually ending up at a very hard to find yet painful biography.

In her words she told of how she had been raped by her uncle at 11 and the disasters which had followed in her life. Suddenly, I was seeing her as I had my daughter and I understood, the perspective all too well. I understood her damage, I understood why she had become whom she had become, I understood her photographs of the brokenness of femininity.....

And I thought to send her an email, but then stopped. No, God has not programmed me to reached out to more than just my daughter, at least at this time. Yeah, I may understand that woman's brokenness but I do not have the "answer" for her, I only know the answer for my daughter. This suffering woman I can not be a part of her fix.

So, I told my "niece" about this and my desire - yet my own frustration. I must wait, to heal the one I am supposed to, the rest are on God's list.....

And that really frustrates me.

Fall Is Here!

With yesterday's cooling shower has come a fall snap to the air! Makes one remember all of those outside projects there are still to do!

I need to finish my covering for the VW so I can work on it over the winter and that is a major undertaking!
I need to finish the bathroom redo.
Clean up the yard for fall.
Work on the furnace.

And get ready for school in two weeks. AH!

Out of Ammo

So daughter fired her final bolt at me Saturday. She has nothing left to use to hurt me with. And, to have stooped this low, only confirms what I have been troubled over since the 29th of August when God began having me on a massive prayer campaign to protect her. But, protect her from what? No idea, so I asked her mother and was prompted unfriended on FaceBook and told my daughter had become completely paranoid. Imagine that, unable to understand how God and the Holy Spirit actually works she convinced her mother that I was using her account to spy on her. It would be sad, if this was not my daughter speaking. (for the record I am blocked and have no view of her what so ever)

She now has nothing to hold over me or hurt me with, but I have no doubt she will manage to come up with something else in a few weeks time. It seems to run in two week cycles, so around the 22nd I expect her wrath to vented again. But, this time she will have nothing. And so, I am led to wonder, whom else is her wrath descending upon? What other innocents have been or will be victimized next by her? This is called demonic dear daughter..... And that you for proving my post of a week ago.

I already lost my family, lost my friends (now down to one), lost her, lost my health - what is left? Have me tossed from church? So what ..... there is no fellowship left for me there, she has seen to that.

Please continue to pray for God's hand to mightily interrupt my daughter's life. The more pressure He brings to bear upon her, the greater the chance that those whom are empowering her will figure this out and send her back for healing again. Oh lucky me! It only took her 90 days to get from loving daughter to total demonic. I wonder at how long the healing process is going to be for this one.....

The Amazing Spiderman

Well, something on my to blog to do list is this movie and still left undone.

Through whatever means we ended up at this movie when we had set out to see the new Batman. No idea how this came about but we voted and watched it anyways.

Short of it - good movie, might even make me a Spiderman fan, though I do hate spiders tremendously. The Toby McGuire replacement is good but not the actor Toby was. The luscious Emma Stone has been been an eye catcher for life. Well done film.

Bad of it was not the films problem, it was mine.

During the under the bridge chase scene my caged emotion went off. Something was happening in daughter's life of significance enough that immediate prayer was required. I had to leave the movie and pray until God let me know it was okay. Don't ask me, no one tells me anything!

Not In The Mood

I am really not in the mood for blogging today.

I woke up with a sore throat. No surprise, the grand kids have been ill for a week now, so I suspect I am getting whatever they have. Lucky me and no immune system anyone has every been aware of.

So lots of vitamin C, sleep, soak in a hot tub - and maybe I will be better tomorrow.

But, no, this in no way takes the fervor out of praying for my daughter's freedom and eventual return.

Return of the Errant Knight

Yes, the Errant Knight is back for another visit!

(psst! that is me...) So, it was in early December when first we saw the Errant Knight, when he took up the cause of freeing the damsel in distress. When he chose to battle for her freedom from the hate which controlled her life. When he was last victorious (April). And now he is back, so this must mean battle is afoot!

"So, you have betrayed yourself finally, evil which has inflicted my daughter! You played one hand too many, you went too far, you gambled that I would not notice....."

Oh Satan is a crafty one, I almost fell for it, but as I said, he played one hand too many and that last stunt showed what the problems was going all the back to when she was but a toddler. No dear daughter, you have no idea of what I speak. Yes, you were damaged as a toddler terribly, but there was a companion for you whom joined the disaster which was to become your life through to this day. And evil is its name.

I never saw it, I indeed looked but I could not see it, it is crafty beyond all I have ever faced before, this one wants the long term. But now I know, now I have seen your hand at work, now I can identify your face ..... I will fear you no more.

No there is little the errant knight can do for the moment but the day draws near when we shall do battle, oh ancient evil. When the evil which inflicts my daughter will finally face a human with nothing left to lose in taking it on and I expect complete chaos to ensue before she will ever cross my path again - because it found out to morning that I was given sight of it!

Ephesians 6:10-18

The Armor of God

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

(NIV)

A holy war has been declared, God is on my side, victory is assured, now to prepare for battle. This Errant Knight, the last male descendant of the Templar Seraphim, armed as God has prepared him, sharpens his sword of the Spirit - and quietly awaits this next and final attack.

"Heavenly Father, you chose me and gave me all authority over my daughter, so then in the name of Jesus by whose blood we are both covered: bind the spirit which has possessed my daughter, Heavenly Father! Cast it far from her, to a lonely desert place and let there be no further repercussions from this for my family, my property, Gaelic Girl, my daughter's mother, nor her sister's family..... Free her and let her eyes, heart, mind and spirit once again be opened to the freedom she sought in You. Cover her completely with your blood and flood her being with forgiveness..... Let this war now be drawn to a close."

Exhaustion

So, being blind to my daughter's life, I have no idea what is going on, nor anyway to actually find out. If her mother would pick up the phone it would help.....

But, just as my movie was interrupted yesterday, so was an entire night's sleep. I spent the whole of the night in prayer for my daughter. I know God is listening, I know God is working on her, I know God has not given up! I am invigorated by this knowledge! Either she will be set free and return, or I will be eventually be freed by God, and I would prefer my daughter's return over my freedom.

Of course, if He turns her loose to her own desires and destruction, I will be saddened beyond belief but free from the constant knowledge that I am being held to pray as instructed for her healing. Sigh.

And if He turns her around and she returns, I have no idea how God is going to work out the details of that one! Or do I? Just a sneaking suspicion that might explain how it all could work to His glory and her benefit. In which if true, then really makes me wonder at how God works all things.....

Reversal

I always find church to be interesting. It is almost as good as going to the airport in the good old days and just people watching. Fascinating!

So, pre-betrayal by daughter: pastor overtly friendly, most people would say hi.
Then,post-betrayal: pastor runs away, women are avoiding, gossip evident.
Now, post-charge review: pastor said hi but would not shake hand, original gossiper came up and said hi.

Hmmmmm. So, Kris cleared of charges and pastor is still distancing himself and the gall of the gossiper to talk to me, wow! So to translate this: God's representative in the church is having a hard time of a reviewed and cleared Kris, Satan's representative is being friendly.

Now that is one major reversal across just one week! Absolutely no idea what this means but it will take some thinking on this.

Daughter managed two more digs at my heart today as well. Things she did earlier but I did not know about until today. I would email, but why bother? She just gets mad at me, my blood pressure go up, so no good comes from it. I am exhausted of this monkey warfare on her part. For me, I will just take it to God and let Him deal with it in her......

Sunday, I learned that my prayers are being dealt with by God. I am sorry for what happened to her, I had tried to warn her via this blog but who knows if she still reads, much less listens. Her eyes are closed, her ears are sealed, her heart is bound. But, today that darn emotion had to go off and God told me to immediate begin praying for her safety. So, I did, unfortunately in the middle of Spiderman I was attending. Eventually, I apparently said the "right" thing and the overwhelming presence of urgency subsided and I could get back to the film. Maybe this week someone will let me know what happened.

So, I will continue the spiritual warfare for the life of my daughter, until there is no breath left in me. Then, the task will belong to those of my readers whom God will raise up (if not already) to continue to her dying breath to free her from Satan's clutches. And as last night was to turn out, I was up since 2am in spiritual warfare for her for five straight hours! And I have a renewed sense of duty as I now know what my impressions are real, and God is working her over! May it be so, until she ceases her rebellion and is back with this father - ready to study for real.....

Yawn!

Musical Saturday Morning

The 1980's brought about some great music, which is why I really prefer that timeframe. So far, most of my Saturday morning selections have revolved around secular music - so time to pick a song that has meaning to me, within a ministry context.....

It must have been back about 1982 I am guessing when I heard this song. It had a major impact on me. Not because of what was going on in the African Shara, which is indeed horrible, but in terms of our need as Christians to address the basic needs of humanity - if we are to have any basis for validity in our Christian Witness!

Once my favorite Bible teacher said something which has stuck with me, "If you want to witness to me fine, but what is the basis of your witness? What have you done for me that even will allow me to listen to you? If my basic needs to sustain life are not met, I do not have the time to waste listening to you....."

And so I look upon organizations such as World Vision as the vehicle to validate my witness. Food, clothing, shelter, yes, even missionaries to the needy of the world. I give you Petra, and Hollow Eyes: