Stupid Is ...

Many decades ago, I wrote a booklet covering the subject of - Knowing God's Will, And Doing It!  Like many of my works back then, it was for the Mennonite/Hutterite Communities I owed so much to.  How I wish I had a copy of it right now!

So much has been going wrong in my life and I just could not understand it.  I am not doing ANYTHING wrong, and yet it seems all I do, I fail at - if not get major leagued injured from.  It has been to the point this week that in my spirit - I have flat given up.  How much more smacking can a guy take and still retain sanity and/or bodily functions!?!!?!?  Woe is me, where are the ashes?

So, as I sat at the airport, as the Aussie's were seeing their relatives off, I had lots of time for prayer and meditation.  And God called back to mind that little booklet.....

Well, heck I knew what I was told to do!  Heavens I have been beating myself up over and around that one for months.  No, the problem was somewhere else.  I drummed my fingers in the increasing cold of the car for what seemed hours.  And a vague thought came to me - from the end of the book, doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.  The right thing, the wrong reasons.  It stuck with me.....that vague thought.

Had my intentions been wrong?  Was I being obedient but somehow gotten misdirected by myself?

And the answer came swiftly enough -yes.  I had never questioned when I had taken responsibility for my four orphans, or for any of "my" kids for that matter.  And yet, here I had stumbled.  She was not a child, she is very much a woman and I honestly fear her.

So, I have been hesitant.
I have tried to be careful and cautious.
I have done everything except be the father I was told to be.
Oh, yeah, I got a few things right but over all Kris was not worth writing home about.

And if fear is in control of my heart, then I am not walking in LOVE or in faith, I am not doing as directed.  I failed yet again.

Well, easy enough to settle that score with God, now that I realize this.  Easy enough to apologize to my daughter - only she has not been in communication with me for basically three days now.....  Well, she does have a life, I don't seem to however.

So, I wait.  To apologize.  To walk this time blindly in faith and obedience.

With the next two days completely free, I hope I will have plenty of time and opportunities to start afresh.