(Remembering this is a series based on letters to and from my nephew, and probably the last in this series, you should start at the first post and read back to this point for it to make total sense.)
Don’t go looking for someone. God will bring them your way if you will wait for Him to do so. Fill you time with family, friends and the Word. Be faithful and make yourself the Christian you should be – for that other person.
Prayer and an unwillingness to compromise your beliefs to make someone fit into what you are waiting for is what you must be dedicated to. Of course, this also means that you have not created a qualification list other than this: ‘Dedicated Christian’, ‘Evidence of God’s Will in leading them to you’. If you are praying for that cavity free, blonde super model – God probably will desert you to that disaster and you will never know what God really wanted for you. “In His Will, not mine, Lord.”
For sake of argument, let us say you think you have found what you are looking for. Now what?
Take an honest look at yourself. What are your finances like? Solid education, job and/or career? Have you managed to leave all of your ‘baggage’ behind you, before you contemplate going forward? How transparent can you be with another? How truly mature are you in your understanding of the Lord and His desires? What is your prayer and study life really like? The hard question comes now: what was your role model like? How will you pattern self as a parent? And, as a spouse? These are really hard questions you need to answer honestly and work through first.
And where are they in their growth process as you outlined for yourself above? Where have their emotional needs been damaged and/or under nourished? Can you mitigate around any problems they are going to be bringing into the marriage? Each of these are points for you to address with one another openly, honestly and lovingly. If you can not identify these areas, much less work through them – you will have a disaster on your hands later in your lives together.
Be cautious, but do not alienate the other before you understand whether this is of God or not. Love, infatuation and raging hormones – all look alike to the examiner. But, none of them are. Your basis for marriage must be best-friendship, commitment to one another and love for the Lord. Whatever you feel now, will slowly age and fade. That is why so many divorces occur around year three! If you are not best friends, you will have no basis for your marriage left, very shortly. Without commitment before marriage, you will not have it later either. Without your love for the Lord, you have no one to lead you through your marriage – and you need to remember you will only be number 2 in their life, yah, you come right behind God….and that can be a problem situation if you are not in tune with God yourself!
Ok, so you have that indefinable quality to your relationship. You are friends, you are a “team”, you have seen each other in action across time with each other’s friends and you have also seen where their commitment to the Lord is. There are no missing areas and no fudging either! You have peace in your spirit concerning them.
If you are male – this is a special section just for you! You get to play the man. Sorry, this is going to really suck.
You need to have a talk with her father. You have to be upfront with him. He needs to know when you are taking his daughter out, where you are taking her, when you have returned her, what you did and what your intentions are. Even if she is no longer at home and lives with friends or in a dorm – it is still your testimony to this man you are doing your best to be honorable towards him and his daughter.
On the intentions part, you would now be at the point called “courting”. Where you are wanting to get to know her as a candidate for marriage – and that knowledge includes your becoming somewhat active with her family. It is important he understands you are not in a rush and expect to take things really slow (like get an education first! And for her as well!).
If you have not been conducting yourself in this manner, well it is time to start. You need to comfort this father with the knowledge you are not a predator, your mature behavior with him and by extension to his daughter are what will win him.
If he is not a Christian, expect him to not be accepting of you, he ‘knows’ you only have one thing on your mind…., but it is important his concerns be addressed. If he gives you a 7:00pm curfew – then you have her home everyday at 6:59, at the latest, no argument! If he says, “No way will you ‘court’ my daughter.” – then stick with group dating through Church events, fellowship events, whatever, and quietly disappear from his view while his daughter works on him. (Darn daughters!) He will not last long against the onslaught of his daughter and eventually his wife as well. (Darn wives!)
The important thing here is that you are witnessing to him as a Christian, as well as, a prospective suitor of his daughter. You have to be completely transparent, completely strong against whatever attack you will come under. Yes, I do expect you to face a miserable time in winning her hand and her parents as well….
Eventually, or maybe even now, she will be living on her own or with friends. Your duty is still to her father, as long as he will work with you. But you also must be strong against temptation. Late hours and frequency of seeing each other can play havoc with the best of intentions. It is your responsibility to control yourself and the situations you get yourself into! Remember she is not your wife and may well be the wife of a brother in Christ unknown to either of you – “Do Not Defraud Your Brother”.
Don’t be in a hurry, take your time and be a gentleman at all times! Remember you goal is to create in her your best friend and visa-versa. Expect this process to run 3 years!
For now, I would recommend investing in the Boundries series of books. Go through them together, as a couple, there are some pretty good ideas and some so-so ones. But, over all, great stuff to pattern your life on now and later.
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