Dating - Worldly Approach

Thursday, December 30, 2004 - Page updated at 12:00 A.M.

Hey, Cinderella: Resolve to be true to yourself after midnight

By Donna Amoranto

Seattle Times staff

If the shoe fits, wear it! If the guy's there, date him? Some sayings don't translate, at least not in the high-stakes world of dating. Deborah Hendrickson, 29, of Renton laments, "Why can't I just find a normal guy to hang out with?" Fair question.

If you log on to most dating sites, you'll see hundreds of profiles — but make very few connections. Walk into a club, you'll see men scoping you from afar. They check you out, they ask you to dance, they may even take you home, but will they take you to dinner? Will they stick around long enough to find out your favorite Smurf? In this world of wired connections, not many folks are making lasting connections.

What's the problem? Well, it turns out there's more than one.

The dating world of 30 years ago is vastly different than today's emotional and social quagmire. The social traditions of yesterday seem old-fashioned, if not poor form. Being too feminine or too masculine is frowned upon. But where's the new rule book? It's hard to know how to make connections, who you're supposed to be, how you're supposed to act.

Marriage also appears to be an endangered species. People are waiting longer to get married, and still, more than half of all marriages are doomed. And if you're one of those who didn't get your happily-ever-after the first time, it's hard to start over.

Then there's sex; TV and movies remind us constantly that sex sells. In fact, sex has become something to be had, not something to be shared with the one you love. But it seems as though sexual freedom has come at the expense of mature relationships. If the sex is there, does anything else matter? What about conflict resolution, learning how to love someone, watching him or her grow, going the distance?

And let's don't forget the worship we do at the altar of unattainable beauty. Our society gives special attention to those who fit into the Victoria's Secret mold. Some people who are perfectly suitable as a life partner are harder to spot when we are blinded by Hollywood lights. Sadly, we no longer think it's important to take the time to see them for who they really are.

So, as we start a new year, how do we regroup and resolve to change our own situations? Here are some tips — mini-resolutions, if you will — that I, for one, will be following this year:

1. Learn the art of contentment

If you're not a happily single person, you can't be a happily coupled person. Learn to deal with the fact that you're single. Embrace it — savor it. Learn to enjoy your own company.

2. Be real; anyone you're with should want you as you are

Be honest with yourself as well as others. Can you really bench that much weight? Do you really make that much money? Is it too much to drop the act and just be yourself? Enough with the embellishments. Trust me, the payoff will be worth it.

3. Know yourself

Be fearless and ask yourself: Who are you, really? What are your shortcomings and strengths? What are your true priorities, both for your own life and in a potential partner?

4. Find the answer to the question: Am I worth it?

Stop jumping from relationship to relationship. Stop torturing yourself to stay with a person who you know deep down is bad for you. Don't be a doormat. Find your worth somewhere else.

5. Get past first impressions

Come on, how shallow is that? Face it, you need more information. Go on at least two dates before you dismiss someone.

6. Examine your motives

Why do you want to be connected? If you're trying to get over someone else, for instance, that puts a pretty big burden on anyone new entering the picture. Try to get at least some of your relationship needs met by those you might be taking for granted — family, friends, even your faith.

7. Dispel your expectations

Don't compare your next date with Jude Law or the girl on the cover of this month's Maxim. I hate to break it to you, but those people aren't real. The rest of us mortals live in the real world where people aren't airbrushed and bloopers can't be confined to a "gag reel."

8. Boil the water, but don't watch or, God forbid, overanalyze the pot

Use the Internet if you must, but get out there. Meet people face to face. Be active in your dating life without forcing or analyzing things that aren't in your control.

9. Take your time

What's your hurry? My grandma told me to "collect, collect, and then select." Finding and choosing a mate takes time — or at least it should. If the odds of finding a relationship that lasts are against you, you might as well take your time finding the person you want to beat them with.

10. Get a life

Don't spend all your time looking. There's more to life than the chase. Be available and plugged in to your family. Be the best friend you can be. Get a job. Get a hobby. Find a good church. Be part of your community. Make sure the whole world loves you — it makes you irresistible.