Dating

European Group Dating

Now, I grew up in an atheist household, in a society of an era where the concept of dating did not exist.  Groups of youth would go everywhere and do everything together.  We could go around Switzerland skiing, to the Riviera for field trips, over to Luxembourg for lunch, mushroom collecting in the forests, whatever.  Guys and gals might be paired, might not, it was of no importance to anyone.  Certainly, you would never have found a single guy with a single girl anywhere together, unless they were already engaged or married!  The point was you were getting to know members of the opposite sex and how they behaved in a group – the only reasonable way to actually get to know someone.  Very safe, very sane.

Oh, and I might add, if you offered to kiss someone, it was an offer of engagement!  With apologies to the US DOD – “Loose Lips, Tie Cords, Not Easily Broken”, especially in small villages.

American Dating

I had four years of schooling in America, where no one followed the European model and kids primarily paired up for the purposes of uhm, er, exploration/exploitation.  I also found most American teenage girls I met to be certifiably insane and definitely not safe to be around. 

I did have an American girlfriend for a short period though.  But as non-Christians, we truly had no idea what love was nor proper behavior.  Not exactly the basis for a long term relationship!  However, we never went on a single date.  We were doomed from the start though and eventually split up due to the pressure just being too great from our families when my father started dating her older sister!

Observations on Dating

I believe dating is strictly for the finding of your spouse, not for going out and having fun.  Having fun is done in groups, not one on one!  One on one is how ‘accidents’ happen, but if you had run around as a group for some period of time you already have standards in place with the one you actually decide to date.  Also, in group settings you can learn what someone is really like.  When bowling, how does he behave around the other guys, when losing, when winning, with other women?  Big character show stoppers there.  I had a friend whom had a model for a best friend.  Her final test before dating any guy was to go out as a group with the model on the last group outing.  Very few guys passed the test…….  The model got lots of offers though!

I would guess that before the age of 19, dating is a really bad idea.  Until the early 20’s, it is questionable as well.  Women go through a maturing right around 22-25, where they seem to suddenly become very comfortable with whom they are and far more selective.  Unfortunately, guys are not so picky and will go out with anything that blinks their eyes at them.

A Pursuit?

What is important for you is to pray for the emotional and moral safety of whomever God has for you.  I do not believe in random chance.  You and him are too important for a detail like marriage and a joint ministry to be left to hormones to figure out.  Yes, they will be a Christian, we know this from Paul’s writings.  So, that eliminates about 80% of the guys you will ever meet or about 20% of the females.  Remember there are no coincidences, so maybe that guy who was nice enough to change a flat, or help you at the market, might just be someone you should know more about – even if you think they are ‘gag-meat’.

Ok, hormones get in the way.  It happens.  I have known dozens whom did not choose a Christian spouse.  It costs them emotionally when their spouses dos not share their faith and worship with them.  Fights erupt over tithing, or whether children can go to church, etc, etc, etc.   So be very careful with your heart and keep your eyes on God.  He can take care of the rest.  Make sense?

Also, it is entirely possible that God may not have a spouse for you.  Sure you could go out and grab one – at least for a while.  But, you would be miserable.  Some of my friends have gotten married as late as 40, before their spouse was ready for them (or visa-versa!).  Some are now in their 50’s and have never found anyone they would have even asked on a date.  The only important issue is not that you go looking, but that you prepare yourself in your walk with God and let Him handle the details.

In My Life

Ok, nice theories but can you walk the talk?  I will talk about me personally, in another posting.  But, I want to stick with the dating question:

First off, I have no children.  But, my life has been filled with children, I am the guy the police call, or the church elders call, even the Japanese embassy once!  Anytime a kid is getting themselves in too deep in the area, I get a call.  I now have had 4 foster daughters and 3 god-daughters.  I have 8 god-sons and 1 foster son!  I also have some 13 kids through the years whom were so special; they became a member of my life permanently.  So, ‘my kids’ currently are between 2 years old and 31 – all of the young ones are the god-children, thank heavens!  I take my duties as father or god-father extremely seriously.  I take the need for a youth to have a solid male role model equally as serious.

When a child of ‘mine’ has shown maturity and responsibility, whether they live with me or not at that time, I tell them when they can go on a group ‘date’ with a bunch of friends to a movie or school dance.  Something as simple as just hanging out around town, is controlled.  And they know there will be no pairing up and no activities outside of the group setting.  Yes, I have been known to be quite the town pain on this issue!  But, the kids respect boundaries, heavens even their friends most of the time do!  But, then this also means I have gained the respect of those youth as well.  Most of these youth I began working with when they were between 11 and 15.

Eventually, ‘dating’ will rear its ugly head, so at 17 or maybe even 18 (probably 30 for one of them!) they can go out but again there are rules:

1)  Other person must be a Christian – unfortunately one of the girls will believe anyone is a Christian so she can go out, but I have that darn gift of discernment!  Yes, she gets mighty unhappy with me because I do know exactly where people and situations are coming from….  (But, she is willful if nothing else.) 

2)  There is a precise itinerary of time and places.  Yes, I am evil and I do check up on where you are to be when.  Trust must be earned!

3)  No teenage guy will ever drive one of my girls without first demonstrating they fully understand she is my most precious possession and they had better have a strong fear of God (and me!) in them before they ever get behind the wheel with one of my girls!

4)  If I smell a rat, no date.  Real simple.

Do I get success with this approach?  Well it depends upon the kid.  Some will buck and kick for all they are worth, find out I am completely right and become my best witness to the next generation of kids.  Some are going to do what they want to, no matter what.  And, I try to be flexible enough to pick up the pieces when they are usually thrown out by their parents.  However, for substance abuse – you go to the hospital long before you come to me.

Unfortunately, I have had some losses.  My oldest god-daughter was lost to drugs and the fashion industry, I still hear from her but it breaks my heart.  My oldest daughter tried to go the same route; it is hard to get straight answers from anyone – which usually means a real problem has developed.  My first foster daughter disappeared into the Goth death culture and it is a real spiritual battle to reclaim her.  The first two special kids committed suicide.

Like any adult involved in the lives of youth – you can not make their choices for them, you can only show them what is right and wrong, then celebrate or weep with them when they have made their choices.  And when something as destructive as America’s dating culture becomes the new standard – you must have a Godly and workable response for it…..