Kids Are Quick

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir.  It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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Crayolas

Shades of Maranatha

Saturday, I got a call from Dutchman asking if I wanted to come by for a visit that evening at his church.  I debated this for several hours with myself – six hours each way by car and I had to teach Sunday School – it would be inconvenient at best…  But, he does not ask something often, nor without reason.

No child wanted to go with me, so I fired up GG’s car – you can not just let a car sit around, it needs to be driven occasionally.  Right?  And headed north.  It was a pleasant drive and as evening approached the sunset was gorgeous!  And even with virtual race car, I was still late.

The church was dark but open, so I followed the sounds of music down into the basement.  About eighty people sat listening to a wonderfully female voice, backed up by 8 others.  She was great!  And the mini concert took a break at that point.

I visited with Dutchman, his wife, youngest son, his mother was there (always good to see her!), and many people I had met at Dutchman’s New Year’s party last year.  His banker you might remember was one of my girls back when I was a youth pastor and so it was fun to see her and meet her 10 year old daughter.  So very fun time.

Then they started singing again.  And I was transported back in time…..

I had almost all but forgotten that back in 1973-1975 Dutchman and I had been part of a musical group that went around coffee houses and played at schools on Friday nights.  You have to remember that back then everyone was paranoid over the disappearances of young women and so we had come up with the idea of safe entertainment for kids on Fridays.  We provided the music, we did some witnessing, youth could come and spend a safe evening.

We had one guitar, a guy would could play a piano (if there was one around) and the Maranatha song book.  We had a really great time and I think youth that came did as well.  But, things change and by the end of 1975 attendance had fallen off, so it was time to try other ideas to get youth engaged…

Saturday, as I sat listening the songs came flooding back to my mind from this musical past.  Dutchman had started up the same ministry we had over 30 years ago, and not a bad turn out either!  I found myself singing along with the band – one of the extremely few times I have sung since 1975.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Though utterly exhausted I made it back in time to get my kids to church.

So, I have thought on this for many hours, is it time to dust off the Maranatha song book and see what happens at my church and in my area?  Something to be praying over.

Maranatha!

Three Days Later

I was now 20 years old.  I had spent over 2 years in conflict with the US Army over insisting I had to take human life.  I had won the war only on a technicality but I lost all peace in my life in the process.  Part of this was the relentless stress of being hounded by the Army but equally was the fear I would die as Boston had died (my friend whom died for not revealing where I was).  I was seeing the handwriting on the wall and I knew ‘the man’ was going to win - eventually. 

As I arrived back at my apartment, on the day of the judgment, not with joy but with utter exhaustion – all I wanted was peace.  Instead, I found an invitation to attend a hearing at Immigration and Naturalization in Seattle in three days.  It sure looked like the US government was not done with me yet!

I filled out the reams of paperwork as best I could, in triplicate, and three days later appeared again in Federal Court.  I fully expected to be expelled from the country, I could think of no other reason for this command appearance.  With resignation I knew they were going to send me to East Germany, a country I did not know, but where a future country would be that my father had been captured in at the end of WWII.  I was filled with dread.

Instead of the judge I had faced for two years, this one was a woman apparently with no knowledge of what I had just gone through.  The hearing it turned out was to strip me of my German citizenship!  This had to have been instigated by the Army, as I could of no other reason for this to happen at this particular time.  Had they expected to get me if I was no longer a German citizen?  I was very confused now…

But, the judge was confounded because I fell under several exception clauses concerning US citizenship.  In 1946, the British, Canadians and US had cut a deal with German scientists – they and their children could be citizens of one of those nations, as well as, retaining their German nationality at 21 years old – if the father’s supported the Allied cause.  But, having grown up in West Germany I had  the required number of years to proclaim German citizenship independent of treaty as both conditions had been met.  To further complicate matters, my grandfather (mother’s father) had been born on the Umatilla Indian Reservation!  So I bore Native American status.  Nothing about my life is easy!

Now, I was born on Federal soil, but not on US soil, so the US citizenship part was not automatically granted – under the pre-1982 INS laws for a child of foreign parents.  Under a 1922 Congressional Law, I was automatically a US citizen for being over ¼ American Indian and being born on Federal soil – but not US soil.  And because of these exceptions, I have no birth certificate – just a NATO declaration of being born to foreign parents on US soil!  Plus mother was a British citizen.  What a mess!

I was called in before the judge:

“Do you renounce your German citizenship?”

“This is not required under the US treaty of 1946.”

“Do you renounce your other citizenships?”  Here she was referring to my status as a member of the Umatilla Nation, since she did not know I was also a Swiss national by birth – which is what tipped me off that the Army was behind this.

Again my answer was the same but by Congressional decree of 1922 this time.  (My college admissions counselor had told me about this one!)

“Very well, then.  I have the power to grant your petition for US citizenship, “ (was that what I filled out?)  “…and to grant you status as a multi-national.  However, your retaining your German citizenship is a problem, because we have gone to war twice in this past century with Germany and there is no reason to expect we will not do so again!  So, in the event of a third war with Germany, I can promise you that you will be the very first (insert very rude language here!) to be tossed into a POW camp!”  This last part was issued screaming, while standing and pointing her gavel at me.  Someone was having a bad hair day apparently…

I was very relieved to suddenly have my US citizenship status addressed.  I was now a real American citizen, which I was supposed to have been all along.  Too weird…  But, then nothing in my life has been very normal.

Dutchman and Swede both really enjoyed the part of the tirade about putting me into a camp!  Preferably one where “long sleeved white coats are issued…”, they teased.

The next day, back at school, I found out the government, as a parting shot, had managed to get my scholarship canceled and me fired from my job.  I assumed this was due to Army prompting, as the only reason I was given was that “they” had told them to!  I was on a BIA educational grant – so it was yet another complication I had to address.  My teachers all allowed me to continue my classes and take the tests until the mess was straightened out so I would not lose the semester.  I managed to get the grant back within a matter of weeks but the job part was to be a real problem to overcome in 1975’s economy.

Court Battles

The US Army’s war on me did not go very well for them.  Across two years and numerous appearances in Federal Court I was able to defend myself against the paper trail they had created to show that I was actually in the Army at 16, err, 17, err, exactly when did I sign up?  They really fouled up badly before the judge.

God’s intervention in my life came at the beginning of this whole mess.  I was so stung to have been considered a sociopath, I was actually driven to seek the meaning of life, the universe and everything!  I became a Christian at the beginning of October 1973, long before I ever heard of the row between my mother and the MPs.  I also joined the local Hutterite commune.  By the time of the final verdict in the case, I had been apart of the commune for 16 months and had become an elder, as well as the youth pastor for a local congregation.   Yeah, big changes in my life’s direction!

January 1975 rolled in with the resolution to this stalemate.  The judge was sort of stuck.  It was obvious that the Army was not going to back down and it was also obvious I was not a war protester – I had volunteered in 1973 to serve as an unarmed medic, in writing and I had copies, as well as, signatures of rejection to the offer.  The Army would not hear of me being unarmed, nor ‘dictating’ terms of service.  But, the judge had done some homework and his resolution was very unique.

He ordered the prosecutor for the Army to stand and asked him these questions:

“Are you aware that Kris is a Hutterite in good standing?”

“Yes, but it is just a ploy to dodge us.”  (I had no clue what was meant by this at the time.)

“Are you aware that the Bill of Rights expressly excludes the Amish, Quakers and Hutterites from ANY form of Military service?”  (Really?!!!?)

“Yes.”, he answered very quietly.

“Are you aware that Kris is not a US citizen?”

“Yes, but we have the authority to draft foreign nationals in times of need.”

“Are you aware that Kris is an East German national?”  (I never thought much about it since I had never been there!  And, only the US Department of State thought I was.)

“Wha……..?”

“Are you aware that the East Germans are acting as advisers to the North Vietnamese Army?  And you want to possibly send one of their own to kill them?”  (Inflection here was “are you insane!”.)

The Army prosecutor just stood there with his mouth hanging open.

“Case dismissed.” 

An arrest warrant was issued on the recruiter for forgery and violation of my civil rights…..  His court martial cost him his stripes and a reassignment as a recruiter to Wyoming.  The $50 bounty, once made public, was discontinued – however I have heard that recruiters now get a bounty again.

As for the bad guy in this tale, he went into hiding since his picture was so widely published.  He remained safely hidden until 2002 when he was caught on a shopping trip and now lives the rest of his days in a maximum security prison.

The US Government changed immigration laws so that anyone may retain three nationalities.

As for me, well, the story was not completely finished yet…

Declaration of War

I was going insane.  Military types kept coming by my house and school to see what I was up to, when would I be back, etc.  There was simply no saying “No” to these guys!

Then I was drafted!  Yeah, the nice waxy, quarter inch thick cardboard mailer arrived telling me that Uncle Sam had the perfect plan for my life.  Except, I was 17.  Not 18.  You could not draft a 17 year old!  The Army recruiter could not have cared less.  I was on his list and he wanted me as a check mark on his sheet (and as it turned out, a $50 bonus for each 17 year old he got!).  I tried cutting up the card, no luck.  I tried burning it, no luck.  I even boiled it, ok, it warped.  So, since it was in illegal document I threw it in the trash!  (Bet I could sell it eBay these days!)

Father’s connection with President Nixon personally killed my draft, or so we thought.  No one could have foreseen Nixon would be brought down in a hail of shame, nor that the US Army would use this opportunity to go for the jugular to get me and a host of other 17 year olds.

I moved to Seattle safe in the knowledge I could pursue my studies free of any more Army distraction.  Nixon had by now killed the entire draft (January 12, 1973) and as I was 18 on January 15th, my number was so high there was no chance of it coming up.  And, yes, all of us males watched our numbers closely throughout 1973!

In October 1973, the Army attempted my arrest under the grounds of desertion from the military.  Unfortunately, the MPs came upon my mother when she had just finished talking with my father (her now ex-husband) on the phone and she was already loaded for bear!  After my sister told me what happened, I felt really sorry for those two MPs and then the four city cops whom responded to the disturbance report…..  That sure would have been one for YouTube!

By now, the guy whom I greatly feared had somehow learned I was part of a special group in the Army and he was on a target list.  (Just what was the Army up to?!)  And he cut a contract for my extinction.  Yeah, in a civil society it is so hard to believe that a no one like me could be wanted dead by anyone, much less someone I knew! 

Although, I might have poo-poo’ed this as the raving of my father – I could not disregard the hospitalization of my stepmother whom had been beaten to a pulp for hours by four guys looking for me.  She had no idea how to find me, nor did my father.  I thought the Army might have done it, but a quick check with a friend whom knew the affairs of the bad guy, told me otherwise.  My friend’s death two days later in a hail of bullets confirmed my worse fear – something was terribly wrong with my understanding of the world….

The US Army was faking paperwork to get me, only the Army could have released information that I was in the military – everyone else knew I was not!  And, a very dangerous man had gotten too serious in trying to silence me - because I knew whom he really was.

I did the only thing I could, I moved, but in a direction no one could have expected.