Marriage

Once upon a time, a question was asked in my Sunday School – “What is marriage?”

The context was: what is the nature of marriage – spiritual, governmental or physical? Talk about a can of worms! Pretty much no matter how this question could be answered – some parent, somewhere, was going to be offended and calling me…..

Is a marriage a civil matter controlled by the government, a religious observance controlled by the church or a physical condition between two parties? Getting an idea now as how fractious this may become? Or the one point argued the hardest: you decide you need to get married (hormone surge?) – so, you go out, capture someone and that is good enough (infatuation?)! Yuck, so much for romance! That is worse than having an arranged marriage!

 

In America , your local civil authority issues you a marriage “license”, which allows you to then appear before a judge or a “licensed” minister to actually marry you. So, the American government has taken the authority, since they are not bound to issue a “license”, without which you may not be married. Even if you choose not to do this and live together, the federal government designates you as married anyway, after three years! Got to tax the married couples as much as possible!

Of course, the concept of marriage is not an American cultural product. So, marriage must be something other than a civil authority issuing a “license”. It must be more than a white dress worn down an aisle. Much more than the quality of a diamond ring. More than even words spoken by nervous young people in front of friends and family. So what is marriage?

We argued this for weeks in class, including having some very sharp minds become involved and this was our conclusion – an answer which must transcend culture, religion, nationality, etc.

“A man and a woman, coming together with a common goal or viewpoint, in support of one another, for the welfare of one another (common good), to form a single corporate identity.”

Hmm, not very romantic. And, I will remain adamant this should also fall within either the determinative or permissive will of God for your lives. Call me a hopeless romantic but I still hold that God is active in all choices we make, if we let HIM. If we do not include HIM, well only disaster can follow!

So, it is not you running off to Oregon and checking into a hotel, it is not all of the pomp of a formal wedding, it is not even the signing of a piece of paper by someone “licensed” to do so.

But interestingly, this definition is not what I see everyday in those around me. It is not two people with separate incomes, separate checking accounts, sharing expenses. How can that even be called a “marriage”? You are still living your life separately like you were both still single! Oh sure you are sleeping together but there is no commitment to one another. And yet, this is not uncommon at all.

 

In my own church I have seen far worse than this, young couples whom do not even eat together! Yah, not only do they both work, both have their own financial arrangements, but they also have their own eating styles/habits/dining friends and never the two shall meet. That includes weekends as well. Literally, they are the worse married couple I have ever seen – you have to shake your head and wonder why, or what ever caused them to marry in the first place!

I know a few in the church have attempted to address this bizarre arrangement but you can not tell them anything. Apparently, they are quite happy not sharing in each other’s lives. (Don’t ask me, I’m the romantic!)

I guess I look backwards through time, when the village came together to recognize the joining of two people in marriage. A time before formal church involvement, before civil governments figured out it was a way to make a steady income, a time when DeBeers did not exist. It was a time of celebration and joy – not a time of debt and social statements.

Today’s marriage ceremonies certainly put on a good show, but this hardly makes a marriage

Too often the couple have not even known one another properly or long enough to have any form of commitment beyond an infatuation. When I attend the weddings of my kids from Sunday Schools, I can pick the winners and the losers. I know which couple started as friends, which couple has formed the bonds of commonality, which couple spent their time playing house – rather than getting to actually know one another, which couple was manipulated into the union. There is no rocket science here.

Just as baptism is your public display of your redemption and faith – the wedding celebration is the public acknowledgement of your being bound to one another.

And that I think, paints a rather beautiful picture…….

Convenience or Belief?

So far we have looked at two problems within the church today:

The hunting of non-qualified spouses

Marriages to non-Christians, by Christians

We justify the hunting of non-Christians through various, albeit incorrect, arguments or reasoning’s. Rarely will you ever hear it condemned.

We justify to ourselves marriages to non-Christians or “Christians” with sometimes equally poor judgment. Sometimes, there will even be those whom would wag their tongues behind our backs, but without an “in your face” moment – after all, they are not supposed to be judgmental. Right?

Of course not! To not confront your sister or brother in the Lord is to display the worse kind of contempt, not only for them, the Lord, but also yourself. This is called “hatred”. Not the love you are commanded to have for one another! (disagree? look it up and read the whole passage!)

And here is where the question comes in:

Do you have a belief in God, in all aspects of your life - or is your faith a matter of “convenience”?

Do you believe that going into marriage with a non-Christian, or “Christian”, is ok? Even when your Bible tells you not to? Then you really need to get a grip on your personal theology and start following what you claim your faith is based on!

So, if marriage to a non-Christian is wrong, then why would you consider dating non-Christians? In Hollywood , dating is for “fun”, as a Christian, sorry but that kind of “fun” is not supposed to be in your walk with the Lord. (yah, I know, it is just a movie, a dinner, whatever. yah....) Turn off the TV, open up your Bible and start trying to understand it is not about you – it is about your witness – it is about your service to HIM. Try to understand that you and a non-Christian have NO basis for an understanding about life.

Of course, that is the rub here – you, as a Christian, are supposed to have nothing in common with the world and how it operates. You are supposed to be what is different - drawing others to the Lord because of that difference. But, if you are sleeping with the devil, where's your witness and impact? If you would like to argue this – let me know and I will add you to my prayer list and encourage you through scripture…

Dating?

Of all of the damaging ideas to come out of America and be spread around the world, dating has got to be the worst one ever.

Think about this, you want to take two hormonally charged semi-adults of opposite sexes, put them together for extended unsupervised periods of time and then expect anything but a disaster to occur? Boy are you naïve!

Whose brilliant idea was this one! Worse yet, who in the Christian church then thought this was such a great idea, we should copy this disastrous example? Talk about American culture completely undermining the family and personal witnesses! No matter where I look or how far I try to stretch oriental culture – I can find NO basis for this concept in the Bible or Biblical society and culture. Sorry, it just is not there.

From a Biblical perspective, the concept of finding your spouse was pretty much one sided. The guys were the ones in control, the females basically bought or paid to be taken. One would hope that the father of the bride actually had her best interests at heart and would not let desperation make the final choice.

Consider this, we have Biblical examples of one village raiding another for brides, girls kidnapped to become brides when not in the company of those capable of rescue while traveling, taking the first girl to water your camel, marrying the older sister so you could have the younger, marrying your half sister, your cousin, etc. Of course, then there was the buying of brides. Yah, the Bible is pretty colorful covering what went on in the fertile crescent concerning finding a spouse.

Even Mary, maybe only 12 or 13 at the time, had already been promised to Joseph as his future wife. How old was he? Twenties, thirties, forties? Whatever his age, he was much older than she. All we can really say was that he was an established worker (stone mason probably) and had acquired the amount of goods or money needed to appease her family.

Yeah, arranged marriages – shudder! I would be the last to argue they are the way to go, but historically, they are the traditional means for you to have found your spouse. Usually going out to find your own spouse led to a great deal of hostility and one or more deaths.

But, there has got to be a better answer for Christians. With the advent of the New Testament times, there seems to be an understanding of some form of freedom existing as choice is referred to by Paul – for both sexes. Women were apparently to be allowed a voice in this! Of course, we know culturally, Christians continued to barter off their daughters in marriage without regard to the husband’s faith, for the next millennium or so, at least.

Today, probably the safest alternative is the group dating model, where groups of guys and gals get together and do whatever for fun, with NO pairing up. This is about the only way you will ever be able to see how someone you are interested in really is. How do they react when going bowling with a group of your friends? Are they miserable when losing and overbearing when winning? Are they too competitive? What parts of the other girls is your guy really watching? Is that special girl you are interested in too bound up with her friends to remember you? What kind of stories or comments are they making to others? Are they jealous if you talk to someone else? Or do they ignore you completely? Three years of dating will not tell you as much as one evening of bowling with a dozen others!

This type of activity should be sufficient for most teenagers even into their twenties, when pairing up for a real “date” could occur. But then, the real point for the date is to get to know the person you expect to be marrying better. Not to find them, but to know them better! So, I am assuming you have already spent several years together, observing each other in group settings………

No this is not an irrational approach – it does happen to be the cultural approach to the guy-girl question throughout the world – except in America – “back when…”. Of course, America exported its poison via soldiers stationed all over the world following World War II. It is amazing the damage which has been done through just this one example of poor American thought.

As for me, well, I grew up in that culture of group outings. But, I also had parents whom firmly believed in arranged marriages, so they bugged me to death over candidates – yuck! Eventually, they did both settle on someone – and maybe from a secular viewpoint this person was a great choice, but as a Christian I viewed them in the terms of being a sociopath. Yah, we did not get along very well. I was firmly Christian, they had never even seen the inside of a church. Total culture shock for them, rejection by my unchristian parents for me because I was not going to be “unequally yoked”. Though I really did try to like this person…..

It was so stressful I continue to avoid blondes to this day!

In the end, yes I did marry and to (a non-blonde) I would have never sought out nor considered. They were way smarter than I, and many years younger. I still do not understand how God drew them to me, but they turned out to be the richest blessing of my life. Yes, we did a great deal of group dating, even after we were married…..

The Mission Field

Don’t worry, I have already heard it all before:

       “There are no cute – hot – interesting - smart Christians out there!”  

Hmmm, really? Somewhere, God promises you a cute – hot – interesting - smart Christian spouse? I seem to remember Paul telling us to remain single, so as to be free to serve God – and to only marry if we are incapable of controlling our desires. So, it appears that you are not promised a spouse, much less a Christian one.

Of course, if you are to marry, you are to marry another Christian. In order to do that, in this day and age, you will probably be doing your search via dating (a subject for another time!).

What I am interested in discussing this time around is “Missionary” Dating. Yeah, you know, there is only gag-meat out there in Christian singles land so you will need to go out and find yourself a spouse by converting them to Christianity. A noble gesture, no doubt in your mind.

Of course, were you actually to allow God to work in your life – you might just find there is already a pretty good candidate near by – you are just too blinded by your own lack of faith to see them. So, rather than live your life and wait upon the Lord – you go forth into the big world to discover, conquer, convert and wed that special someone of your own choosing. And, when it doesn’t work out – well it is God’s fault after all for not having brought that special someone along, right?

I have known a great many Christian singles and usually, I bang my head on a wall and scream when they get into marriage mode. Many have gone the Missionary Dating route. In two cases, the victim did convert and they lived happily ever after. In the vast majority of the marriages – if it even went that far – they only pretended to convert so they could marry their pursuer. And across time, the victim discovered that a Christian was actually not what they had in mind at all – and they were gone – leaving one damaged Christian in their dust.

Why did I say, ‘if it even went that far’? Well, because more times than not, they never did get married – they ended up playing house. My Bible calls that something else, but not the topic of discussion this time around. Main point is: rarely will you ever raise someone to your level – you will almost always fall down to theirs. Yes, there are exceptions – you are probably not one of them. Talk to me 5 years from now, if you want to argue!

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Yes, I do believe God does bring couples together for more than ‘controlling our desires’. Especially, when He has a ministry in mind and the couple’s combination of gifts, talents, and knowledge will be needed for success. Also, Paul tells us some ministries require you to be married in the first place (another topic as well!).

I also know God does set aside some of us from marriage to be free to serve Him as required – and I have great admiration for them and their faith!

I do believe that if you desire a spouse, God probably does have someone out there for you. Difficulty is, that someone may not be quite what you are looking for or expecting – so you may well reject them without ever realizing this. Also, they may well not wait around for you to get your act together. Or worse, your choices in life may well leave you in a state which will make you undesirable to them…… This process is pretty horrible to view as a spectator – especially when everyone is the exception and everyone ‘knows’ what is best for them.

Tell you what, if you have a history of chasing blondes, don’t try and tell me God’s choice for you is the final blonde you settle on. God is not that shallow, but you are.

Don’t try and tell anyone that ‘God’ has reveal your spouse to you and that special someone needs to marry you in the next 30 days because their visa is expiring. Sorry, God is never in a rush, but you are.

Unless something is really wrong with your relationship with God, I firmly believe He is capable of talking to you and letting you know when you have met the ‘right’ one. There is no need for others to reveal this to you, much less via ‘prophetic utterance’ or ‘vision’ or whatever other such nonsense you have surrounded your faith with! Sorry, there is no pope of marriage, I am aware of. (My apologies to any Catholics offended by this reference, not my intent or point! But, what else do call these self styled authorities on match-ups?)

Dating a non Christian? Then it is time to give them the heave-oh and get Biblical! Go to where Christian singles are: Bible study, Church, various Christian events. Do not even think of dating someone you are not 100% certain is a solid Christian first, 1% of uncertainty – too bad, so sad, bye-bye. Of course, maybe the 1% problem can be managed or overcome, so maybe it is not ‘bye-bye’ but ‘only if fully chaperoned’. Yah, even if you are 50, you are still not too old for a third party to see that you retain your testimony!

There are single Christians out there, but you just have to be willing to pray, seek and wait for the ‘right’ one – remembering God probably will surprise you. And, you must be willing to live your life in such a way as they will want you in return………

1850 Swiss Hunter

1837 Swiss Hunter

1837 Swiss Hiker