Think about this - you want to take two hormonally charged semi-adults of opposite sexes, put them alone together for extended unsupervised periods of time and then expect anything but a disaster to occur? Boy are you naïve!
Whose brilliant idea was this one? Worse yet, who in the Christian Church then thought this was such a great idea, we should copy this disastrous example? Talk about American culture completely undermining the family and personal witnesses! No matter where I look or how far I try to stretch oriental culture – I can find NO basis for this concept in the Bible or Biblical society and culture.
Sorry, it just is not there.
From a Biblical perspective, the concept of finding your spouse was pretty much one sided. The guys were the ones in control, the females basically bought or paid to be taken. One would hope that the father of the bride actually had her best interests at heart and would not let financial desperation make the final choice.
Consider this - we have Biblical examples of one village raiding another for brides, girls kidnapped to become brides when not in the company of those capable of rescue while traveling, taking the first girl to water your camel, marrying the older sister so you could have the younger, marrying your half sister, your cousin, etc. Of course, then there was the buying of brides. Yah, the Bible is pretty colorful covering what went on in the fertile crescent concerning finding a spouse!
Even Mary, maybe only 12 or 13 at the time, had already been promised to Joseph as his future wife. How old was he? Twenties, thirties, forties? Whatever his age, he was much older than she was. All we can really say for sure was that he was an established worker (stone mason probably) and had acquired the amount of goods or money needed to appease her family.
Yah, arranged marriages – shudder! I would be the last to argue they are the way to go, but historically, they are the traditional means for you to have found your spouse. Usually going out to find your own spouse led to a great deal of hostility and easily would have ended in the deaths of both parties.
But, there has got to be a better answer for Christians!
With the advent of the New Testament times, there seems to be an understanding of some form of freedom existing in spousal choice as referred to by Paul – for both sexes. Women were apparently to be allowed a voice in this! Of course, we know culturally, Christians continued to barter off their daughters in marriage without regard to the husband’s faith, for the next millennium or so, at the least.
Today we are sort of stuck with the cultural model forced upon us.
Probably the safest alternative is the group dating model, where groups of guys and gals get together and do whatever for fun, with NO pairing up. This is about the only way you will ever be able to see how someone you are interested in really behaves. How do they react when going bowling with a group of your friends? Are they miserable when losing and overbearing when winning? Are they too competitive? What parts of the other girls is your guy really watching? Is that special girl you are interested in too bound up with her friends to remember you? What kind of stories or comments are they telling each other? Are they jealous if you talk to someone else? Or, do they ignore you completely? Three years of dating will not tell you as much as one evening of bowling with a dozen others!
This type of activity should be sufficient for most teenagers even into their twenties, when pairing up for a real “date” could occur. But then, the real point for the date is to get to know the person you expect to be marrying better. Not to find them, but to know them better! So, I am assuming you have already spent several years together, observing each other in group settings…..
No, this is not an irrational approach – it does happen to be the cultural approach to the guy-girl question throughout the world – except in America America
As for me, I grew up in that culture of group outings. But, I also had parents whom firmly believed in arranged marriages, so they bugged me to death over candidates – yuck! Eventually, they did both settle on someone – and maybe from a secular viewpoint this person was a great choice by them, but as a Christian I viewed her in the terms of being a sociopath. Yah, we did not exactly get along very well. I was firmly Christian, she had never even seen the inside of a church. Total culture shock for her, rejection by my unchristian parents for me because I was not going to be “unequally yoked”. Though I really did try to be an honorable son and like this person…..
Those months were so stressful, I continue to avoid blondes to this day!
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