The Myth of the Promiscuous Virgin

Yes, my attacks against our sex saturated culture continues, especially with its impact upon the Church and its youth. If you want to feel condemned, read on.

Probably some of the worse advice I have ever heard was during a church staff meeting a decade ago. One of the staff had been corresponding with someone from her high school for years and now he was graduating from College and wanted her to come out for the ceremony and to see if ….well maybe…..there was something there. Her question: if things got “sticky”, how far was too far?

The unanimous answer: your body is your own and you have say over what you are willing to do or not do with someone whom you are looking for in a marriage partner.

GASP! Do you get the implications here? The overwhelming opinion amongst the Christian leaders present was that your sexual desires/preference/performance was a matter of willingness – with no hint of sin! Has the church moved so far from the Bible that there is now an expectation of sexual misconduct amongst it own staff members? I was floored and had a separate talk with the young lady, where I at least outlined God’s expectations……… And I think she was a little relieved I did so.

Obviously, the culture exerts an enormous amount of pressure upon each of us and our youth in the church, especially in the realm of sexual experimentation. And the youth gladly buy into any idea which will allow their raging hormones to run wild and not associate any wrong doing with them. No wonder we have problems as outlined in yesterday’s blog.

Young men, heaven’s any man, do you ever remember reading a passage where you are told not to defraud your brother? Have you ever wondered what this meant? It is not a reference to being honest when selling your car, although a good idea, it refers to your inappropriate activities with members of the opposite sex, whom are not your spouse. You have NO RIGHT to touch any woman sexually, whom is not already your spouse. In other words you keep your hands and other parts to yourself with every woman because they are not yours. If you do decide, what the heck, and just have a “little” fun, you have just defrauded your brother in Christ. You have taken something which in God’s legal terms belongs to the man this woman will one day marry – and it probably will not be you.

And I see and hear of this occurring constantly. Which is where the title comes from for this blog entry. Virgin defines more than just a female it means you men and your minds as well. Our culture tells us that sex begins when you commit the “act”. Hmmm, my Bible tells me to even took on a woman in lust is to have already committed adultery with her. In God’s terms: looking, lusting, petting, etc, etc, etc are all sexual acts. You sin, no matter how you want to justify it.

How promiscuous have you been, thinking that God really does not care and you have the only say in these matters?

God calls you to sexual purity. His idea is that you are a virgin when you marry, not just someone whom has not “gone all the way”. I would even wish my spouse’s first kiss was mine. It can be done and we know God requires of us nothing which is not possible if we have the faith to perform what He asks of us, but also do not allow ourselves to get into situations where things can get out of control sexually.

So, we have a call to strength from God. If you can not keep your zipper up young men because God told you to, or even out of respect for yourself – God tells you to consider this woman is another man’s property. Have respect for the man of this woman’s future! Young women, this goes for you as well. Do not let yourselves be pressured into situations you know in your heart are wrong. This hot guy, probably will be marrying someone else and he is not yours. You will not be making him yours by having sex with him; instead, you may end up complicating your life something awful.

Ok, so you have been a promiscuous virgin, or just promiscuous, this is your call to change! Repent of your behavior to God, name names, get personal with God – He knows it all anyways, He just wants you to agree with Him. End relationships which are currently a problem in this area of your life. Go to group dating only or chaperoned so you will not behave poorly. You might think this foolishness but God has reasons behind everything he desires for us. Even if you get engaged – stay safe and sane – chaperoned events do not have to be intrusive or obvious or embarrassing!

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We have a God whom specializes in making all hidden things known in the lives of those whom would be called by his name. You may think you are getting away with something – but God will see that it gets known and through the most embarrassing of manners. Unexpected pregnancies, disease, unexpected visitors at awkward moments, etc – all are easily within the realm of God attempting to correct you and get you back into line with what He expects from you. I see it all the time…..

Young men like to talk and brag, they do it without regard as to their environment or extended audience. I can go to the local Denny’s, have a slice of pie with tea any afternoon, when school is out, and listen to the guys from the local high school regaling each other with tales of their conquests. Unfortunately, I often know the young women involved in these tales. I feel sorry for them because they have no idea at how they are being used and the terms being used to describe them. I feel also for the young men when they desire to “date” one of my daughters because I am not beyond openly discussing their sexual “conquests” with in front of the daughter they expect to date!

I already know what their desires really are and they need to know I know……..

There Is Hope - Tales of Four Couples

Well, we have beaten to death the concept of non-Christian dating and marriage! But, lest you have lost heart I want to share the stories of four contemporary couples whom did make it – from idealistic to less so….

For most idealistic – I choose Caleb. He was interested in a girl in his high school and went to her father, asking him to allow him to date her and followed ALL of the rules. Even when they went off to the same college, he would still call the girl’s father and ask if it was ok to take her out, as well as, a return call to let him know all was well. Wow! As a parent, I want this guy for my daughter! In fact, I had sort of hoped….. :^(

Many years later they were to marry and what a testimony they have brought into the Christian community! Yes, you can live by rules and not hormones. Yes, you can work with parents and still have fun. Wow! They are currently honeymooning in Mexico I am told.

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Now I will pick on Josiah. You have no idea how much I like this young man, he has that indescribable quality that says, “I am going somewhere!”. A born leader, an observant follower, with a bit of a rebel streak in him. He liked our Sunday school class enough; he started bringing his girlfriend, whom then started coming regularly. I was surprised years later to find out her father was a pastor and it really was a big deal for her to be attending our class.

But, back to them. One day, we were having a group discussion about dating and I was voicing my concerns over the youth of today – from what I observed in our own church. Out of nowhere, she says, “Actually, Josiah and I have never even held hands much less kissed. We want our first kiss to be at the altar.” Whoa! The other young women all looked at her like she was crazy, but we used her to have a talk with the high school girls later on about dating. What a testimony!

Like my first example, they too married, in what had to be one of the most humorous of ceremonies ever – and a reception involving a trampoline. I thought I was going to be sick I was laughing so hard! Of course, us old ones usually are forgotten by the young ones – until something comes up they can’t handle. So, they must be doing well.

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One of the most expressive young women I have ever met was Cindy. She was short, with flaming red hair and an outspoken witness for Christ. She also was extremely outspoken about Bud being her husband. Bud was a few years older, an elder and unfortunately for Cindy – had no interest in her at all. Bud dated everybody, was engaged at least three times and Cindy was constantly in a state of trauma over how stupid “her man” was! Yah, I heard all about it, often. I may even have hearing loss from a few of those sessions!

I can remember one campout in particular we had on the Washington coast. Bud, standing in the background, was leading a Bible study; several of us were gathered around a fire several hundred feet away. Cindy sat with her back to him, not by design, so if you looked at her, you were also looking at Bud. Bud had just announced, yet again, another engagement, this time to Sheila – blonde and devastating. Cindy was outraged.

We were praying with her and attempting to offer comfort, when she turned her face towards heaven and in a rage screamed, “I am really angry with you God!”, all the while shaking one of her little fists at the sky. Were it not so unexpected, it might have been humorous! She then collapsed into tears for the rest of the night. Bud never had clue.

Ok, process check here. Bud obviously was either mistaking his hormones or infatuation for God’s leading concerning the spouse he was seeking. He was a great man of the Word and we just could not understand how someone so obviously in touch with God, could be so blind as to how he was blocking God’s leading in this one area of his life. But, then he liked blondes, not redheads. He liked modeling material, not normal.

Yah, like all of the others, Sheila literally left him at the altar and he was destroyed. Guess who was still there waiting to pick up the pieces? Yah, Cindy. They did get married sometime later, he had to learn a few things about love, Cindy already knew, and as far as I know have lived happily ever after. (Actually, I would have made Bud suffer a little here for the years of torment……)

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And now for Tracy , I had a real love-hate relationship with this guy. On the one hand, he was my boss and I was sort of in training under his watchful eye at church. I loved my job and he was very supportive. On the other, he was a macho egotist whom I don’t think really liked his wife at all. I would be forced to just bite my tongue (I have the scars to prove it!). Were I older, I probably would have smacked him upside the head or at least spoken my mind – but I was afraid of losing my job. Our relationship was not very friendly once I really knew him.

Over the three years I knew him and his wife, I was to learn that almost no aspect of his life was reasonable. But, his wife stood behind him when a normal person would have cut and run long ago. She loved him, he obviously had been infatuated with her when they married and was now looking for a way out. I would read and reread my Bible nightly trying to understand him and be just unable to reconcile the Word with his life. I was a new Christian and it simply made no sense to me! Could a Christian not be a Christian?

And this is why, even though married I picked him as an example. This Christian young lady had obviously married a “Christian”. He knew the language and could even pretend for short periods of time to be one. But, he wasn’t. I doubt she was actually fooled in her heart, but she had allowed her self to marry outside of her faith, and she knew she made excuses for him, in order for him to be acceptable to her first. And she really reaped the whirlwind, let me tell you!

And then, I was to witness God moving in his life, the most frightful thing there is to see. Tracy ’s business – a personal pride and joy for him and actually a fairly safe money generator, unexpectedly went into bankruptcy. It surprised him about as much as anyone in the Church. This caused the financial ruin of many of his family and friends across the next several months. Of course, those in the church immediately stepped in to begin condemning him and his lifestyle. As for his wife? She stuck by him through what had to literally be the most miserable experience possible for anyone. Utter humiliation, treated with nothing but contempt and everyone telling her to save herself and get a separation at the minimum! (Yah, God was not exactly the “god” of that church…..)

Then one day, about a year later, his eyes were opened and he suddenly could see everything clearly - that he was a miserable human being, much less a “christian” and he owed his wife more than he could ever repay in this lifetime. He repented big time, and with his wife - this time at his side, set forth upon an entirely new life together dedicated to sharing their lives and worshipping God. Let me tell you I will never forget them standing up before the church one Sunday evening as they gave a testimony about all of the above.

Gees, it still chokes me up!

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Not all mismatches end so well. There are way too many Tracy ’s out there preying upon Christian young women. Most of these disasters will end in divorce. Most involve a young head strong girl marrying a “christian” or non-Christian man, whom may not even be a good pretender. Usually this is done against the advice of everyone whom really loves that girl, though she will not listen because the “world” is against her love for this guy. But, that really does not help her with the future choices she will now have to face and never would have been so – if she had listened to the council of her elders, family and friends.

Best bet – stay safe – stay sane – still within your faith!!!!!!!!

(“Tracy” and “Cindy”, you know whom you really are, if you read this, drop a note…….!)

Unequally Yoked

This is a bad example, but:

Let us say your father tosses you the keys to the car, hands you a twenty and asks you to drive over to the
local burger joint and pick him up a burger – mustard and pickles only. He has given you everything you
need, told you what to do, so there should be no problem – right?

You leave and come back with his request: a chicken sub sandwich. Hey, it is healthier for him right?  Hmmm, but not quite what was asked for though……

Same idea is behind the question of Christians looking for their spouses. If you are a Christian, Paul tells you to marry another Christian. How come? Well, think about the long term problems of being married to a non-Christian - your spouse will:

    * Not want to go to church with you.
    * Will not understand giving much less tithing.
    * Will not be able, nor want to, discuss the Bible with you.
    * Will die and go to Hell.
    * Will not agree to your child raising ideas.
    * Will not agree as to kinds of friends.
    * Will not agree as to kinds of activities.
    * Will not pray with you.
    * Will be in your face over your petty beliefs.
    * Truly will not understand the concept of faith.
    * Will bring you down to their level.

So, if being in a constant state of warfare is your idea of marriage, you will have what you seek, because
you married a non-Christian. And you can expect a looming divorce in your future. It is not a guarantee
– but you should start expecting it now – before you get married, because it is coming.

Yah, I know, your marriage will be the one exception…..

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Paul is being far from unreasonable when he tells you, as a Christian, to marry a Christian. He understood the power of shared prayer, shared study, shared faith. He knew that for true “oneness” to occur, you had to both have the same basis of life - Christianity.

So many women I have known and know today, plus one guy, just do not understand this one simple verse from Paul. Blame hormones (“He/She is so hot!”), a coddling society that allows its young the freedom to perform stupid acts (“Hey, they can get it right the next time around!”), or even an educational system dedicated to destroying your child’s belief through logic (apparently burger does equal chicken sandwich!).

No matter where you wish to fix blame – the problem is today’s Christian. They don’t really see the relevance of the Bible today. It has some great stories and good ideas, but it just does not work in a world ruled by your hormonal needs that demand satisfaction – ‘now’.  After all, the Bible is 2,000 years old and was written to a different people, with less of an education than you have, in a very different setting, and it does have some translation problems anyways.  Sound familiar?

Like it or not, believe it or not, want it or not – your opinion really has no validity here: the Bible is the standard by which you are going to be judged. No, you are not going to go to Hell because you married a non-Christian – you just may think you have arrived there after a few years in that marriage though. And it is not as if Christian marriages don’t have problems – they do, but if both hearts are sold out to God, there are at least a few recourses they can turn
to in order to settle differences – building an even stronger marriage in the process – before complicating their lives with a divorce.

And, I offer this: if you want to have God’s blessing in your marriage and life, it is not going to happen the way it could have, when you marry that special somebody, whom is so hot, and will become a Christian later ("you just know it!"). No, in all of the cases I can think of, not a one of them became Christians after the marriage. No standard was applied to them before marriage, so no standard would apply afterwards as well. With one exception, all ended in divorce.  With two exceptions, none made it past 3 years even.

So, as I opened with - if divorce is what you want in your life, go ahead and marry that non Christian. You will be getting exactly what you want and are asking for. Heck, in the end, you can always blame God anyways, right?

Except, you should have known better, because you have already been told - 2,000 years ago! Just pick up The Book and start living your ‘faith’! It is not as hard as you think.....

Siblings, Infatuation and Love

I will admit that I am a watcher. I watch people; I observe what they are doing and hopefully am around long enough to see what happens. In my singles days, I would go to the airport and just sit and watch people. It was fascinating! I learned a great deal from this about human nature and what leads from the best of intentions to utter disaster. That doesn’t make me all knowing, just weird, with a good idea about life and what is going on. I am the bane of my children’s attempts at rebellion – I can see it coming and usually mitigate an out for them. That doesn’t mean they still will not insist on being stupid…….

People are either attracted or repelled by one another, it happens constantly, to each of us as we meet new people or even begin to know someone whom has been around us for a while but we never noticed before.

“Love” – that emotional state my oldest teenage daughter is constantly falling into – and then just as quickly out of. This is really infatuation; it has nothing to do with love, just a vague shadow of what real love should be. But, she continues to be unable to understand her emotions are only for a moment, even when they last only for a week or maybe for three months! It is all “love” to her.

Infatuation can be confusing to the young heart, it seems real, and after all, the other person is everything they are looking for (except eligible as a spouse in my eyes!). Luckily, my daughter is not the only one with this problem in our church, I have seen this more and more frequently the last several years and unfortunately leading the two star struck lovers to the altar. I say “unfortunately” because infatuation might be good for three years at the most – and then it is over. You can almost set a clock for when the divorce or separation will occur, it is so predictable. Of course, three years is plenty of time to create a little one in - and now you both have a major complication for the rest of your lives!

For all of the confusion swirling through my daughter’s mind over “love”, infatuation is pretty easy to understand and spot. If everything must be NOW – it is infatuation. If you are “desperately concerned” for the other person, yet all you really seem to care about is yourself, your appearance or your feelings – it is infatuation. If you can’t have a normal conversation without ending up in the sack – it is infatuation. Sorry, if this defines your relationships – you never will find satisfaction nor a long lasting relationship until you can get past you and your own desires – no matter how blind you are to them.

Truth hurts. If you are old enough to think you are in love, you are old enough to handle it.

So, what infatuation is not, is what love is. It is not constrained by time, nothing has to be now, you are satisfied to wait upon the Lord and HIS leading. Your true concern is not how you feel-look-appear, it is what can you do to help the other person without any personal gain (tangible or intangible!). You will be best friends, you will know each other intimately – and that is intimate in non-sexual terms! You will be apart of each other’s lives and each other’s families. That does not mean you will be accepted by the other’s family but you should be available.

Sound idyllic or unimaginable? It shouldn’t be. But, then, maybe you have never known love from your family or friends, maybe everything has been a “using” relationship, in which case, I am sorry for you. I grew up in a very non loving environment as well and had to learn about love from my future spouse. It was hard, they were patient and I have to admit it took me about three years to figure out what love is. Of course, God played a big part in this as well.

Ok, so now we are at the SIBLING point in this blog’s title and though not as catastrophic as infatuation, it can still be a cause of problems. What am I talking about? Well, assuming you are a Christian, you have the Spirit of God in you, whether you recognize this or not. In fact, every Christian has this aspect to them – they are your brothers and sisters.

We can be drawn by the Spirit, in us, to others, due to the Spirit which is in them. The Spirit at least recognizes we are the same – there is an unspoken aspect of commonality. I hear this called “love” or “love at first sight” all of the time. But, random strange attraction really is not love. Love is the product of a relationship and commitment.

How long have you really known this person? How many hours have you spent talking to them? How do they behave around others? Etc. Yah, love at first sight doesn’t work when you start asking the hard questions. But, the infatuated will still try to bluff their way through – because you can’t possibly be right.

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So, what is the point here? The church, which should be setting the standard for what love is, has failed. Our youth, much less many of us, are completely clueless on this issue! It is a task the church must face – to teach ourselves, our children and then the world what real love is.

Defy Hollywood and its culture of death; take back the definition of what love is and end the senseless destruction of the family and mockery we make of ourselves!

Marriage

Once upon a time, a question was asked in my Sunday School – “What is marriage?”

The context was: what is the nature of marriage – spiritual, governmental or physical? Talk about a can of worms! Pretty much no matter how this question could be answered – some parent, somewhere, was going to be offended and calling me…..

Is a marriage a civil matter controlled by the government, a religious observance controlled by the church or a physical condition between two parties? Getting an idea now as how fractious this may become? Or the one point argued the hardest: you decide you need to get married (hormone surge?) – so, you go out, capture someone and that is good enough (infatuation?)! Yuck, so much for romance! That is worse than having an arranged marriage!

 

In America , your local civil authority issues you a marriage “license”, which allows you to then appear before a judge or a “licensed” minister to actually marry you. So, the American government has taken the authority, since they are not bound to issue a “license”, without which you may not be married. Even if you choose not to do this and live together, the federal government designates you as married anyway, after three years! Got to tax the married couples as much as possible!

Of course, the concept of marriage is not an American cultural product. So, marriage must be something other than a civil authority issuing a “license”. It must be more than a white dress worn down an aisle. Much more than the quality of a diamond ring. More than even words spoken by nervous young people in front of friends and family. So what is marriage?

We argued this for weeks in class, including having some very sharp minds become involved and this was our conclusion – an answer which must transcend culture, religion, nationality, etc.

“A man and a woman, coming together with a common goal or viewpoint, in support of one another, for the welfare of one another (common good), to form a single corporate identity.”

Hmm, not very romantic. And, I will remain adamant this should also fall within either the determinative or permissive will of God for your lives. Call me a hopeless romantic but I still hold that God is active in all choices we make, if we let HIM. If we do not include HIM, well only disaster can follow!

So, it is not you running off to Oregon and checking into a hotel, it is not all of the pomp of a formal wedding, it is not even the signing of a piece of paper by someone “licensed” to do so.

But interestingly, this definition is not what I see everyday in those around me. It is not two people with separate incomes, separate checking accounts, sharing expenses. How can that even be called a “marriage”? You are still living your life separately like you were both still single! Oh sure you are sleeping together but there is no commitment to one another. And yet, this is not uncommon at all.

 

In my own church I have seen far worse than this, young couples whom do not even eat together! Yah, not only do they both work, both have their own financial arrangements, but they also have their own eating styles/habits/dining friends and never the two shall meet. That includes weekends as well. Literally, they are the worse married couple I have ever seen – you have to shake your head and wonder why, or what ever caused them to marry in the first place!

I know a few in the church have attempted to address this bizarre arrangement but you can not tell them anything. Apparently, they are quite happy not sharing in each other’s lives. (Don’t ask me, I’m the romantic!)

I guess I look backwards through time, when the village came together to recognize the joining of two people in marriage. A time before formal church involvement, before civil governments figured out it was a way to make a steady income, a time when DeBeers did not exist. It was a time of celebration and joy – not a time of debt and social statements.

Today’s marriage ceremonies certainly put on a good show, but this hardly makes a marriage

Too often the couple have not even known one another properly or long enough to have any form of commitment beyond an infatuation. When I attend the weddings of my kids from Sunday Schools, I can pick the winners and the losers. I know which couple started as friends, which couple has formed the bonds of commonality, which couple spent their time playing house – rather than getting to actually know one another, which couple was manipulated into the union. There is no rocket science here.

Just as baptism is your public display of your redemption and faith – the wedding celebration is the public acknowledgement of your being bound to one another.

And that I think, paints a rather beautiful picture…….

Convenience or Belief?

So far we have looked at two problems within the church today:

The hunting of non-qualified spouses

Marriages to non-Christians, by Christians

We justify the hunting of non-Christians through various, albeit incorrect, arguments or reasoning’s. Rarely will you ever hear it condemned.

We justify to ourselves marriages to non-Christians or “Christians” with sometimes equally poor judgment. Sometimes, there will even be those whom would wag their tongues behind our backs, but without an “in your face” moment – after all, they are not supposed to be judgmental. Right?

Of course not! To not confront your sister or brother in the Lord is to display the worse kind of contempt, not only for them, the Lord, but also yourself. This is called “hatred”. Not the love you are commanded to have for one another! (disagree? look it up and read the whole passage!)

And here is where the question comes in:

Do you have a belief in God, in all aspects of your life - or is your faith a matter of “convenience”?

Do you believe that going into marriage with a non-Christian, or “Christian”, is ok? Even when your Bible tells you not to? Then you really need to get a grip on your personal theology and start following what you claim your faith is based on!

So, if marriage to a non-Christian is wrong, then why would you consider dating non-Christians? In Hollywood , dating is for “fun”, as a Christian, sorry but that kind of “fun” is not supposed to be in your walk with the Lord. (yah, I know, it is just a movie, a dinner, whatever. yah....) Turn off the TV, open up your Bible and start trying to understand it is not about you – it is about your witness – it is about your service to HIM. Try to understand that you and a non-Christian have NO basis for an understanding about life.

Of course, that is the rub here – you, as a Christian, are supposed to have nothing in common with the world and how it operates. You are supposed to be what is different - drawing others to the Lord because of that difference. But, if you are sleeping with the devil, where's your witness and impact? If you would like to argue this – let me know and I will add you to my prayer list and encourage you through scripture…

Dating?

Of all of the damaging ideas to come out of America and be spread around the world, dating has got to be the worst one ever.

Think about this, you want to take two hormonally charged semi-adults of opposite sexes, put them together for extended unsupervised periods of time and then expect anything but a disaster to occur? Boy are you naïve!

Whose brilliant idea was this one! Worse yet, who in the Christian church then thought this was such a great idea, we should copy this disastrous example? Talk about American culture completely undermining the family and personal witnesses! No matter where I look or how far I try to stretch oriental culture – I can find NO basis for this concept in the Bible or Biblical society and culture. Sorry, it just is not there.

From a Biblical perspective, the concept of finding your spouse was pretty much one sided. The guys were the ones in control, the females basically bought or paid to be taken. One would hope that the father of the bride actually had her best interests at heart and would not let desperation make the final choice.

Consider this, we have Biblical examples of one village raiding another for brides, girls kidnapped to become brides when not in the company of those capable of rescue while traveling, taking the first girl to water your camel, marrying the older sister so you could have the younger, marrying your half sister, your cousin, etc. Of course, then there was the buying of brides. Yah, the Bible is pretty colorful covering what went on in the fertile crescent concerning finding a spouse.

Even Mary, maybe only 12 or 13 at the time, had already been promised to Joseph as his future wife. How old was he? Twenties, thirties, forties? Whatever his age, he was much older than she. All we can really say was that he was an established worker (stone mason probably) and had acquired the amount of goods or money needed to appease her family.

Yeah, arranged marriages – shudder! I would be the last to argue they are the way to go, but historically, they are the traditional means for you to have found your spouse. Usually going out to find your own spouse led to a great deal of hostility and one or more deaths.

But, there has got to be a better answer for Christians. With the advent of the New Testament times, there seems to be an understanding of some form of freedom existing as choice is referred to by Paul – for both sexes. Women were apparently to be allowed a voice in this! Of course, we know culturally, Christians continued to barter off their daughters in marriage without regard to the husband’s faith, for the next millennium or so, at least.

Today, probably the safest alternative is the group dating model, where groups of guys and gals get together and do whatever for fun, with NO pairing up. This is about the only way you will ever be able to see how someone you are interested in really is. How do they react when going bowling with a group of your friends? Are they miserable when losing and overbearing when winning? Are they too competitive? What parts of the other girls is your guy really watching? Is that special girl you are interested in too bound up with her friends to remember you? What kind of stories or comments are they making to others? Are they jealous if you talk to someone else? Or do they ignore you completely? Three years of dating will not tell you as much as one evening of bowling with a dozen others!

This type of activity should be sufficient for most teenagers even into their twenties, when pairing up for a real “date” could occur. But then, the real point for the date is to get to know the person you expect to be marrying better. Not to find them, but to know them better! So, I am assuming you have already spent several years together, observing each other in group settings………

No this is not an irrational approach – it does happen to be the cultural approach to the guy-girl question throughout the world – except in America – “back when…”. Of course, America exported its poison via soldiers stationed all over the world following World War II. It is amazing the damage which has been done through just this one example of poor American thought.

As for me, well, I grew up in that culture of group outings. But, I also had parents whom firmly believed in arranged marriages, so they bugged me to death over candidates – yuck! Eventually, they did both settle on someone – and maybe from a secular viewpoint this person was a great choice, but as a Christian I viewed them in the terms of being a sociopath. Yah, we did not get along very well. I was firmly Christian, they had never even seen the inside of a church. Total culture shock for them, rejection by my unchristian parents for me because I was not going to be “unequally yoked”. Though I really did try to like this person…..

It was so stressful I continue to avoid blondes to this day!

In the end, yes I did marry and to (a non-blonde) I would have never sought out nor considered. They were way smarter than I, and many years younger. I still do not understand how God drew them to me, but they turned out to be the richest blessing of my life. Yes, we did a great deal of group dating, even after we were married…..

The Mission Field

Don’t worry, I have already heard it all before:

       “There are no cute – hot – interesting - smart Christians out there!”  

Hmmm, really? Somewhere, God promises you a cute – hot – interesting - smart Christian spouse? I seem to remember Paul telling us to remain single, so as to be free to serve God – and to only marry if we are incapable of controlling our desires. So, it appears that you are not promised a spouse, much less a Christian one.

Of course, if you are to marry, you are to marry another Christian. In order to do that, in this day and age, you will probably be doing your search via dating (a subject for another time!).

What I am interested in discussing this time around is “Missionary” Dating. Yeah, you know, there is only gag-meat out there in Christian singles land so you will need to go out and find yourself a spouse by converting them to Christianity. A noble gesture, no doubt in your mind.

Of course, were you actually to allow God to work in your life – you might just find there is already a pretty good candidate near by – you are just too blinded by your own lack of faith to see them. So, rather than live your life and wait upon the Lord – you go forth into the big world to discover, conquer, convert and wed that special someone of your own choosing. And, when it doesn’t work out – well it is God’s fault after all for not having brought that special someone along, right?

I have known a great many Christian singles and usually, I bang my head on a wall and scream when they get into marriage mode. Many have gone the Missionary Dating route. In two cases, the victim did convert and they lived happily ever after. In the vast majority of the marriages – if it even went that far – they only pretended to convert so they could marry their pursuer. And across time, the victim discovered that a Christian was actually not what they had in mind at all – and they were gone – leaving one damaged Christian in their dust.

Why did I say, ‘if it even went that far’? Well, because more times than not, they never did get married – they ended up playing house. My Bible calls that something else, but not the topic of discussion this time around. Main point is: rarely will you ever raise someone to your level – you will almost always fall down to theirs. Yes, there are exceptions – you are probably not one of them. Talk to me 5 years from now, if you want to argue!

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Yes, I do believe God does bring couples together for more than ‘controlling our desires’. Especially, when He has a ministry in mind and the couple’s combination of gifts, talents, and knowledge will be needed for success. Also, Paul tells us some ministries require you to be married in the first place (another topic as well!).

I also know God does set aside some of us from marriage to be free to serve Him as required – and I have great admiration for them and their faith!

I do believe that if you desire a spouse, God probably does have someone out there for you. Difficulty is, that someone may not be quite what you are looking for or expecting – so you may well reject them without ever realizing this. Also, they may well not wait around for you to get your act together. Or worse, your choices in life may well leave you in a state which will make you undesirable to them…… This process is pretty horrible to view as a spectator – especially when everyone is the exception and everyone ‘knows’ what is best for them.

Tell you what, if you have a history of chasing blondes, don’t try and tell me God’s choice for you is the final blonde you settle on. God is not that shallow, but you are.

Don’t try and tell anyone that ‘God’ has reveal your spouse to you and that special someone needs to marry you in the next 30 days because their visa is expiring. Sorry, God is never in a rush, but you are.

Unless something is really wrong with your relationship with God, I firmly believe He is capable of talking to you and letting you know when you have met the ‘right’ one. There is no need for others to reveal this to you, much less via ‘prophetic utterance’ or ‘vision’ or whatever other such nonsense you have surrounded your faith with! Sorry, there is no pope of marriage, I am aware of. (My apologies to any Catholics offended by this reference, not my intent or point! But, what else do call these self styled authorities on match-ups?)

Dating a non Christian? Then it is time to give them the heave-oh and get Biblical! Go to where Christian singles are: Bible study, Church, various Christian events. Do not even think of dating someone you are not 100% certain is a solid Christian first, 1% of uncertainty – too bad, so sad, bye-bye. Of course, maybe the 1% problem can be managed or overcome, so maybe it is not ‘bye-bye’ but ‘only if fully chaperoned’. Yah, even if you are 50, you are still not too old for a third party to see that you retain your testimony!

There are single Christians out there, but you just have to be willing to pray, seek and wait for the ‘right’ one – remembering God probably will surprise you. And, you must be willing to live your life in such a way as they will want you in return………