Divorce In The Church

I admit I may have a prejudice on this topic, my parents divorced when I was 17. My wife’s family divorced the same year. Most of my friends have experienced one or more divorces in their families through the years. Divorce is an evil that is eating at the core of the Christian family – and only you can do something about it!

If you stuck with the concept of marriage within your faith, you are on better ground than those whom have not. Their marriages will probably end in divorce long before you run into struggles, but everyone will eventually run into problems in their marriage. If you never were able to learn the difference between love and infatuation, you are already on the wrong path for a long term marriage. When problems arise, they can be devastating when your marriage is based upon the wrong grounds. It might be year three or year thirty. Heavens I know one couple whom divorced after 55 years of marriage! (Never did understand that one!)

In America , you just need to have “differences” in order to file for a divorce. It used to be you had to at least have an actual cause for a divorce and even then the court had to actually think through the process to see if any chance of reconciliation was possible. Today, “Your breath smells bad in the morning!” is sufficient grounds - and you are out of there……

We are told God allows for divorce due to the hardness of our hearts. Yah, not something your spouse did, but the unloving and unforgiving nature of your own heart. And what was the Biblical basis for divorce?

Abandonment – usually man leaves, woman may pursue through court action to get her “letter” of divorce – freeing her from this commitment.

Virginity – woman was not a virgin on the wedding night, nothing to do with the her and her husband’s indiscretion prior to the marriage.

Yah, you will hear different versions of this from your pastor or in 'Christian' books, but sorry – those are all we have to work with from the early Jewish documents and our Bible. Everything else is just unsupportable wishful thinking. So, if you believe adultery or brutality or financial failure or whatever else you can think of is a valid Biblical reason for your divorce, you have been misled – like so many others.

So any exceptions here? Yah, one really big one that is a problem in our culture today – if you have had premarital sex with your spouse – you may not under any condition divorce them. You can holler no fair all you want, but that is what the Bible teaches……..

I will completely agree with you that adultery is just about unforgivable, but it was not given in scripture as an example for divorce. It was an example for stoning though….. (Hmmmm, one could argue from logic here, since adultery no longer carries a death sentence in our culture, that divorce is the reasonable alternative. But, I would hesitate to out guess God on this one.)

I completely agree with you that God did not create your spouse, nor you, to be the object of physical abuse. In the Middle East , your family had another way of caring for this, other than divorce, but the quest of this blog is not to advocate other forms of violence…..

So, you are the victim of a marriage gone awry – what are you to do?

First, I am very impressed with the “Boundary” series of books; there are boundaries for most relationship situations – marriage, dating, kids, etc. I don’t agree with everything they will tell you – as they are heavily culturally saturated, but they are a place from which to start at controlling your relationships with others around you. Mostly the ideas seem Biblical and/or reasonable (I would wish more on the Biblical end though!).

Second, most churches offer counseling or have older couples whom are be willing to lend an ear and some sage advice from their years of marriage. If nothing else – they offer prayer – and prayer does change things – often your own viewpoint. If none of this available through your church – time to move to a real church!

Third, understand you may need to separate legally, until such time as your spouse can get their act together and prove to you their change and desire to reunite as a couple. This will offer some protection to you in the event of violence or sexual misconduct. You may truly need this protection as well. You may even need to completely change your life-job-town, in order to protect yourself should your spouse go completely psycho (if they can not find you, you will be safe). But, resolving your issues is very difficult this way. This is not an easy area to advise on!

And you need to understand, that in no case has anyone whom has done this for over a year, that I know of, had their marriage survive. Inevitably, the wrongful spouse decides to go the divorce route and then within 3 years finds out how messed up they really are and wants to come back – to a very cold reception. It is amazing how consistently these situations work out!

But, the big point here is: if you call yourself a Christian you should not initiate a divorce! Even if you are abandoned, you can still file for separation and live your life as a single – albeit – married Christian. Yah, maybe you can justify to yourself that you deserve love, etc and should remarry. But, you know, the Bible does not agree with you. In hunting terms, you get one lifetime tag for a spouse – you blow it – you have used your tag and that is the end of the conversation…………..

Makes you want to be a little more careful, eh?

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So in wrap up:

• Divorce is almost unsupportable Biblically.
• You both need to understand boundaries in your marriage.
• When problems arise, you don’t keep them secret, you seek prayer and counsel.
• The point of any difficulty is to resolve your problems!
• In the rare case, separation may be required to work though your problems.
• The point of separation is to get back together as a couple!
• You must be transparent enough to share your testimony with others…….