Frustration

This must be, ‘life really sucks weekend’.  Last week I survived with dejection being completely blown off by my adopted family.  This week, not only did the events repeat themselves, but my son turned on me as well.

I will be the first to admit I am not the picture perfect father.  I will be the first to admit I am the hardest trying though.  Every issue my son was to throw at me I have tried to work through to his betterment.  I tried talking to him, time outs, spankings, confiscation of toys – nothing got through to him to turn his course.  I had to deal with teachers, principals, even the police to try and not only keep him in school but to try and get to the bottom of his issues.  We had no answers.

Over three years of his being in counseling and the counselors could not get through to him.  They finally gave up on him.  They felt I was the core problem because of his intense hatred of me, but I have never raised a hand to him.  I actually came the closest to getting through to him when I told him one of these days he would have to learn to stop blaming me for the beatings he received from his biological father, because I never had.  He looked really confused and wandered off.

Last night he was on cloud nine as he had a real date, I hoped to encourage him by letting him have his allowance early and slipped in an extra twenty.  He was happy.

Today he went off on me at lunch, in a restaurant, about how horrible of a father I was.  Blah, blah, blah, blah.  Some of what he said was true.  Yes, I did take his birthday presents last year – until he paid his sister back for money he had borrowed from her and REFUSED to pay back for months.  Makes me in the bad guy I guess.  In addition, having wound himself up, he was off on his “I Hate My Father Tirade”!  And my heart broke.

I love my son.  It has been a hard week already, with my father, mother, sisters and brother all blowing me off twice, because I did not fit in with the ‘plan’.  But, I never would have expected to be kicked by my son once I was down.  Soon, he will be 18 years old.  Will he do as two of his sisters have already done – run away from home because I will not tolerate what society tolerates?  Smoking, drinking, drugs and sexual activity are not apart of my household plan – and why two of my daughters have left.  Will he be the next to run into the waiting arms of the world?  God, I hope not.  I wish so much more for him…..

I am frustrated, depressed and really, I just want some peace in my life.  And yet, I have such a short period of time left to try and understand his pain and try to help him…..  What on earth triggers him sure could be helpful to know!