A Taxing Story

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.  Suppose that every  day, ten men go out for dinner.  The bill for all ten  comes to $100.  If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it  would go something like this:

 The first four men -- the poorest -- would pay nothing; the fifth would  pay $1: the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth  $12; the ninth $18.  The tenth man -- the richest -- would pay $59.

 That's what they decided to do.

 The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite
 happy with the arrangement -- until one day, the owner
 threw them a curve.

 "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."

 So now dinner for the ten only cost $80.  The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.  So the first four men  were unaffected.  They would still eat for free.

 But what about the other six -- the paying customers?  How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his  "fair share?"

 The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they  subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and  the sixth man would end up being *paid* to eat their meal.

 So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each  man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded  to work out the amounts each should pay.

 And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh  paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the  tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59.

 Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four  continued to eat for free.  But once outside the restaurant, the men  began to compare their savings.  "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"  declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth. "But he got  $7!"  "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.  "I only saved a  dollar, too.  It's unfair that he got seven times more than me!"  "That's true!" shouted the seventh man.  "Why should he get $7 back when  I got only $2?  The wealthy get all the breaks!"

 "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.  "We didn't get  anything at all.  The system exploits the poor!"

 The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and  ate without him.

 But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something  important.  They were $52 short!

 And that, boys and girls, journalists and college instructors, is how  the tax system works.  The people who pay the highest taxes  get the most benefit from a tax reduction.  Tax them too much, attack  them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at  the table anymore.

Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:  "I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me.  I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

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New Orleans Saint Running Back George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:  I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever come first."

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And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:  "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said:  "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

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Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men.  He lets us wear earrings."

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Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:  "Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

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Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:  "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."  (that is beautiful)

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Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:  "You guys line up alphabetically by height."  And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

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Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:  "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

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Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:  "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

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Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:  "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

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Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:  "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

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Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:  "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you?  Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

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Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:  "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

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Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:  "Because she is too dadgum ugly to kiss good-bye."