So, this is actually a bit of a response from my pastor concerning my previous post on betrayal. His title - Battling Betrayal.
Using Mathew 26:20-25 and John 13:18-30 as our texts, these points come into play (and any italics are my comments):
1.Expect the unexpected.
When Jesus announced that one of the Apostles would betray Him, they wondered.
Whom amongst them could do something like that.
Even when Jesus told them how it would happen, they did not understand.
When Jesus told Judas to take leave of the meal to do his task, they did not understand.
Judas was trusted, he was sitting in the seat of honor that night, who could it be?!?
They never saw it coming.
(I never saw it coming, I never expect it, I was trusting and loving, I did not want to believe, I was clueless.)
2. Look in the mirror.
Would I betray Jesus?
Is there something I am doing or have done which has betrayed the trust or love He places in me?
Seriously, ask yourself, "Is it me?"
3. Sit the closest to Jesus.
People will always disappoint us.
Be sure that we do nothing which would betray Jesus (thought, deed, life, etc).
Be the special one that Jesus loves.
Remember that He loves without condition.....
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Further Shock
If you have been following along, you know I have been fighting to understand how my favorite daughter could desert me. The shock of this brought on twin heart attacks two weeks ago. And it has been a hard go of it since - especially with the complete lack of any concern of any kind from almost anyone I know. Aside from calls by Dutchman to see if I am still alive, I could be dead and no one would seem to care. Yes, this is Satan continuing his work to get to me. Isolate, separate, attempt to conquer - problem is, I am more concern for daughter than I am for myself. And using Kris' weakest link theory - well, it falls apart on her. What I know of her, the love and respect I have for her are all indicative of what is going on is not a matter of a character flaw in her. It is spiritual and for some reasons she can not see how she is being played by our enemy.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that number two daughter was having marital problems. Thursday night I found out she had terminated her marriage and walked off leaving my grand-daughter with her in-laws weeks ago! Yeah, that one was almost worth heart attack number three! But add yesterdays situation of where her in-laws came over to discuss the situation - yeah, let's add a few more heart incidents. Oh yeah, Satan is going out of his way to get to me - anything to increase my stress levels! However, I am still sharp enough to see that he is also attacking them through this situation as well. In fact it had to happen just as both of them had come down with whooping cough! Yeah get you weak then hammer you, seems to be how he deals with me and looks the same for them.
Friday I was really angry because I had waited months for a corrective foot surgery on the broken foot - only it seems if you have a heart attack then you can not have surgery for six months! I can only afford medial insurance for another eight months so now this is a problem with any follow up needed! Then I broke my left again on Saturday, yeah dropped a block of wood and snapped the big toe again! The shock of this flattened me for a day and a half. I am still not quite right stress wise yet! So, I guess it is good no surgery for a while. God will just have to work it out, as with all other aspects of my life. Sigh.....
I am considering a trip to Idaho in September, I have got to get away from my stress and relax. A little painting, a little metal detecting, a little exploring. Well,we will see will come to fruition.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that number two daughter was having marital problems. Thursday night I found out she had terminated her marriage and walked off leaving my grand-daughter with her in-laws weeks ago! Yeah, that one was almost worth heart attack number three! But add yesterdays situation of where her in-laws came over to discuss the situation - yeah, let's add a few more heart incidents. Oh yeah, Satan is going out of his way to get to me - anything to increase my stress levels! However, I am still sharp enough to see that he is also attacking them through this situation as well. In fact it had to happen just as both of them had come down with whooping cough! Yeah get you weak then hammer you, seems to be how he deals with me and looks the same for them.
Friday I was really angry because I had waited months for a corrective foot surgery on the broken foot - only it seems if you have a heart attack then you can not have surgery for six months! I can only afford medial insurance for another eight months so now this is a problem with any follow up needed! Then I broke my left again on Saturday, yeah dropped a block of wood and snapped the big toe again! The shock of this flattened me for a day and a half. I am still not quite right stress wise yet! So, I guess it is good no surgery for a while. God will just have to work it out, as with all other aspects of my life. Sigh.....
I am considering a trip to Idaho in September, I have got to get away from my stress and relax. A little painting, a little metal detecting, a little exploring. Well,we will see will come to fruition.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Stress
I was joking with myself. I have no one else to joke with anymore. Such is the cost of this year.
So I was thinking, I could write a book! But about what? Well, being a father to an adult would be a good start. Now how about a title? "Do Sociopaths Cry Tears?" Yeah, pretty pathetic, but it did make me snicker for a moment.
Stress is odd. I used to thrive on stress. Professionally, it drove me to ultimate creativity. It probably may also have caused me to run right over people and never notice. Even without it I may have never noticed.
My doctor used to try and get me to drive down my stress, to get my blood pressure down. I don't think there was an actual correlation, I think the blood pressure is physiological, not psychological, at least for me. Then my stress also became psychological and I had a heart attack. Although minor, it was enough to now change my life in oh so many ways.
Beloved items such as salt and caffeine must now become a relic of a distant past in my life. American grease, as I call Taco Bell, must go away as well - even though I have no cholesterol to speak of, no sense in giving the body new ways of killing me.
And I have got to get serious about getting back into shape. I actually started a diet when daughter left, her goal was I would be down by 6 pounds when she returned. Well, I am holding at the 8 lost during that expected time frame. May as well continue and see if I can get myself back down to my semi-pro biking weight of 170. I might even win some races now that I am 20 years older than my last ride.....
And I have to get as stress free as possible, for the heart's sake if for no other. Not an easy task when your life has become a train wreak, you are mourning the loss of a loved one, and you are in college.
Yeah much to pray for and over, if you feel so led.
So I was thinking, I could write a book! But about what? Well, being a father to an adult would be a good start. Now how about a title? "Do Sociopaths Cry Tears?" Yeah, pretty pathetic, but it did make me snicker for a moment.
Stress is odd. I used to thrive on stress. Professionally, it drove me to ultimate creativity. It probably may also have caused me to run right over people and never notice. Even without it I may have never noticed.
My doctor used to try and get me to drive down my stress, to get my blood pressure down. I don't think there was an actual correlation, I think the blood pressure is physiological, not psychological, at least for me. Then my stress also became psychological and I had a heart attack. Although minor, it was enough to now change my life in oh so many ways.
Beloved items such as salt and caffeine must now become a relic of a distant past in my life. American grease, as I call Taco Bell, must go away as well - even though I have no cholesterol to speak of, no sense in giving the body new ways of killing me.
And I have got to get serious about getting back into shape. I actually started a diet when daughter left, her goal was I would be down by 6 pounds when she returned. Well, I am holding at the 8 lost during that expected time frame. May as well continue and see if I can get myself back down to my semi-pro biking weight of 170. I might even win some races now that I am 20 years older than my last ride.....
And I have to get as stress free as possible, for the heart's sake if for no other. Not an easy task when your life has become a train wreak, you are mourning the loss of a loved one, and you are in college.
Yeah much to pray for and over, if you feel so led.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Conclusion
So with this post, I complete what I want to share concerning my daughter and our relationship.
When I went into this relationship, I tried to find out if what God was asking me to do was reasonable - there was nothing to be found. Yet, how can it be that NO ONE had ever done this before? As time and situation has shown, it is not uncommon and it seems to go sideways all the time. There is a point at which evil wins.
For me, I have a daughter whom is now estranged. I wasn't looking for a daughter when God did this to me, I still am not looking for one now, she was an exception. I see no reason to divorce her from my life - she may indeed need me again one day. So, though I am sure this raises her hackles because she wants me completely gone at this time - I still see her paths through the future, God still shows me her dreams and thoughts, God is forcing me to stay in place.....
So you are a guy and feel led to father the fatherless - good luck! Just know it is a harrowing road and I wish you better luck than anyone I know at doing this. It will rip your heart out. One other guy has come forward now, a pastor, whom told a tale almost identical to mine. He and his wife dearly loved the daughter, whom went sideways, but came back 21 years later! Mostly to apologize, mostly because she still needed a father.....
What does the future now hold? What path/paths shall we traverse.....?
Next question up is why have I said some of the things I have?
Well, that answer is actually interesting to me to explain, far more so than some of the posts were.
First, you have to understand that I have actually never had an emotion before. God hit me with one and I have no answer as to why he did this yet. So, it was new, it was bizarre, it was unique to my life. Since 99.9975% of you do suffer from such an affliction, I wanted you to see what it is like to experience what you take for granted. Yeah the percentage is statistically correct. The betrayal of that emotion was equally fascinating to me.
Secondly, I have been working on the book James for next year's studies. James is an interesting book - it shows just how human I became during half of this year. And yet, how can James call for what it does when only .0025% of the population would have a chance of doing so? Hmmmm, an oxymoron or is there something James says that Western Christianity has gotten wrong? I hope to have that one answered by September....
Thirdly, although should daughter have read my posts, I am sure I angered her beyond belief. But, since she would not communicate with me - she needed to understand the impact of her choices have on another human being - she is as equally responsible to me as I am to her, at least in God's eyes. Yeah, if she expects God to bless her for treating someone this way, when He forcibly set me into her life, well ..... it will not quite work out the way she wants it to be. And that truly does sadden me.
Finally, this is my life. She has played a role in it for thirteen years, quietly behind the scenes. I am not likely to ever forget this episode and I want those important to my life to understand the trauma and drama my life was exposed to through this year. They do not, in fact I have lost relationships with most of them - because I chose to obey God and would do it all over again - if I had to. Well, I might delete three weeks were there a next time and God just did not "hit me out of the blue with an emotion.....
Now, what to blog on next?
When I went into this relationship, I tried to find out if what God was asking me to do was reasonable - there was nothing to be found. Yet, how can it be that NO ONE had ever done this before? As time and situation has shown, it is not uncommon and it seems to go sideways all the time. There is a point at which evil wins.
For me, I have a daughter whom is now estranged. I wasn't looking for a daughter when God did this to me, I still am not looking for one now, she was an exception. I see no reason to divorce her from my life - she may indeed need me again one day. So, though I am sure this raises her hackles because she wants me completely gone at this time - I still see her paths through the future, God still shows me her dreams and thoughts, God is forcing me to stay in place.....
So you are a guy and feel led to father the fatherless - good luck! Just know it is a harrowing road and I wish you better luck than anyone I know at doing this. It will rip your heart out. One other guy has come forward now, a pastor, whom told a tale almost identical to mine. He and his wife dearly loved the daughter, whom went sideways, but came back 21 years later! Mostly to apologize, mostly because she still needed a father.....
What does the future now hold? What path/paths shall we traverse.....?
Next question up is why have I said some of the things I have?
Well, that answer is actually interesting to me to explain, far more so than some of the posts were.
First, you have to understand that I have actually never had an emotion before. God hit me with one and I have no answer as to why he did this yet. So, it was new, it was bizarre, it was unique to my life. Since 99.9975% of you do suffer from such an affliction, I wanted you to see what it is like to experience what you take for granted. Yeah the percentage is statistically correct. The betrayal of that emotion was equally fascinating to me.
Secondly, I have been working on the book James for next year's studies. James is an interesting book - it shows just how human I became during half of this year. And yet, how can James call for what it does when only .0025% of the population would have a chance of doing so? Hmmmm, an oxymoron or is there something James says that Western Christianity has gotten wrong? I hope to have that one answered by September....
Thirdly, although should daughter have read my posts, I am sure I angered her beyond belief. But, since she would not communicate with me - she needed to understand the impact of her choices have on another human being - she is as equally responsible to me as I am to her, at least in God's eyes. Yeah, if she expects God to bless her for treating someone this way, when He forcibly set me into her life, well ..... it will not quite work out the way she wants it to be. And that truly does sadden me.
Finally, this is my life. She has played a role in it for thirteen years, quietly behind the scenes. I am not likely to ever forget this episode and I want those important to my life to understand the trauma and drama my life was exposed to through this year. They do not, in fact I have lost relationships with most of them - because I chose to obey God and would do it all over again - if I had to. Well, I might delete three weeks were there a next time and God just did not "hit me out of the blue with an emotion.....
Now, what to blog on next?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Quiet Confessions
God knows I am suffering, in quiet. Yeah maybe my I am verbose here but in life - nothing. I sincerely doubt she reads this, for the cruelty of her knowing how I have suffered and yet remained silent are unworthy of the woman I know.
The first to make a comment was Timothy. We were walking around the lake shortly to be his wedding site. His words were quiet, he was embarrassed, he spoke on the destruction of his marriage. I knew parts of it, I did not want to know all, it was none of my business. But, he told the tale of a fatherlerss girl and how he felt lead to be her father, of how her mother encouraged him to play an active role. Of how, once he had established that hard won relationship - she turned on him, humiliated him, destroyed his marriage. It did not matter he had done nothing wrong ..... Several years later the daughter came back into his life but it was never the same. How could it be? Both had been damaged by a war that should have never occurred. Satan won that round and was able to take her sideways. Once she figured out the betrayal, she terminated her mother in her life.
Friday night Dutchman talked about how he had done the same. To the same conclusion. Satan almost destroyed his marriage as well. The female, now two years later still has not come back, his pain I had never seen - though I had known a tiny piece of the story.....
And Swede then told of his two year effort to do the same. That betrayal I had witnessed personally. I even had tried to warn him of what was coming, but he too could not understand how someone whom professed love and identity could do anything like that. He never has been able to speak of her again and her actions even went so far as to destroy my friendship with her entire family. I never could figure that one out.....
I finally was able to talk with Gaelic Girl, to tell her what had occurred and why. She understood. She understands grief. She knows it will take time for me to recover.....
So much I would like to say, but there is danger (as I have learned) to someone knowing where their path leads.....
And I marvel: God's timing, God's comfort, God's hope.....
The first to make a comment was Timothy. We were walking around the lake shortly to be his wedding site. His words were quiet, he was embarrassed, he spoke on the destruction of his marriage. I knew parts of it, I did not want to know all, it was none of my business. But, he told the tale of a fatherlerss girl and how he felt lead to be her father, of how her mother encouraged him to play an active role. Of how, once he had established that hard won relationship - she turned on him, humiliated him, destroyed his marriage. It did not matter he had done nothing wrong ..... Several years later the daughter came back into his life but it was never the same. How could it be? Both had been damaged by a war that should have never occurred. Satan won that round and was able to take her sideways. Once she figured out the betrayal, she terminated her mother in her life.
Friday night Dutchman talked about how he had done the same. To the same conclusion. Satan almost destroyed his marriage as well. The female, now two years later still has not come back, his pain I had never seen - though I had known a tiny piece of the story.....
And Swede then told of his two year effort to do the same. That betrayal I had witnessed personally. I even had tried to warn him of what was coming, but he too could not understand how someone whom professed love and identity could do anything like that. He never has been able to speak of her again and her actions even went so far as to destroy my friendship with her entire family. I never could figure that one out.....
I finally was able to talk with Gaelic Girl, to tell her what had occurred and why. She understood. She understands grief. She knows it will take time for me to recover.....
So much I would like to say, but there is danger (as I have learned) to someone knowing where their path leads.....
And I marvel: God's timing, God's comfort, God's hope.....
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tagged?
As I mentioned yesterday, men I know and yet have no relationship with, have gone out of their way this past week to seek me out - to pray with me - in person or via the phone. God is obvious working in the background attempting to lift me up from this subjection to death which now stalks me.
Making it worse, has equally been females doing the same. Only I know - have a relationship with almost none. Yet total strangers at the grocery store, literally deviate to accost me. My lawyers wife whom I have not spoken to in two years, suddenly needs to talk with me. On and on and on! I have today had to cast my eyes to the floor and just ignore this bizarreness! It was like there is a sign over me. "Attention Ladies, Screwed Over Guy!"
But it is a daughter I have lost, not a lover. So why this attention? What about me is drawing the flies.
As for me, I want to talk with my friend and her mother, but she is now avoiding texts and calls. Not like I have hounded her for any information. Could it be she is manipulating this entire situation - having no understanding as to what really was going on? Because I never even told daughter what was really happening....
Making it worse, has equally been females doing the same. Only I know - have a relationship with almost none. Yet total strangers at the grocery store, literally deviate to accost me. My lawyers wife whom I have not spoken to in two years, suddenly needs to talk with me. On and on and on! I have today had to cast my eyes to the floor and just ignore this bizarreness! It was like there is a sign over me. "Attention Ladies, Screwed Over Guy!"
But it is a daughter I have lost, not a lover. So why this attention? What about me is drawing the flies.
As for me, I want to talk with my friend and her mother, but she is now avoiding texts and calls. Not like I have hounded her for any information. Could it be she is manipulating this entire situation - having no understanding as to what really was going on? Because I never even told daughter what was really happening....
Monday, July 23, 2012
In The Shadow of Betrayal
My body wages war against my being. Blood pressure now at stroke levels for over a week - and yet somehow God holds me together. The heart attack last Monday and continuing pain throughout my chest, arms, back and neck. There is no end to this it seems. I can not help but think that just five painless minutes of Yesfir's time and this could be ended - to know why..... to know what happened ..... to know how she could betray me.
But, God literally is holding me together and I understand this. He has brought some interesting men into my life this past week as well. Men I have known for years and yet never "clicked" with. I do not even have to say a word, they call, they come up to me and pray with me. There is no sign hanging on me, "Screwed over male, Needs prayer". And yet it happens.
As I lay in ER, with the nurse ever trying to install four IVs in me, I could not help but think of Jesus on his last night, his night of betrayal. When his friends betrayed Him, when his friends deserted Him, when He was left very much alone....
The pain of betray is very real. To know that one/ones you have loved and trusted have abandoned you. To know they were not your enemy and yet are they now?
Betrayal just does not happen. There is a pattern to it, desertions, fits of anger, there are signs it is coming. But, when you are clouded by the eyes of love, you never see it coming. So much precedes the betrayal that it should not be a surprise when it finally happens - yet it does.
And, if you love, you have the power of pardon. You can forgive, without being played a sucker.
Jesus was able to forgive his followers for their desertion. The one whom could not seek his forgiveness, He was never able to forgive.
Yes, I can forgive ..... because I too have been forgiven.
Please do not let this situation stand between us, it will be to both of our destructions.
But, God literally is holding me together and I understand this. He has brought some interesting men into my life this past week as well. Men I have known for years and yet never "clicked" with. I do not even have to say a word, they call, they come up to me and pray with me. There is no sign hanging on me, "Screwed over male, Needs prayer". And yet it happens.
As I lay in ER, with the nurse ever trying to install four IVs in me, I could not help but think of Jesus on his last night, his night of betrayal. When his friends betrayed Him, when his friends deserted Him, when He was left very much alone....
The pain of betray is very real. To know that one/ones you have loved and trusted have abandoned you. To know they were not your enemy and yet are they now?
Betrayal just does not happen. There is a pattern to it, desertions, fits of anger, there are signs it is coming. But, when you are clouded by the eyes of love, you never see it coming. So much precedes the betrayal that it should not be a surprise when it finally happens - yet it does.
And, if you love, you have the power of pardon. You can forgive, without being played a sucker.
Jesus was able to forgive his followers for their desertion. The one whom could not seek his forgiveness, He was never able to forgive.
Yes, I can forgive ..... because I too have been forgiven.
Please do not let this situation stand between us, it will be to both of our destructions.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Still A Problem
Stress is still reigning supreme. Massive chest pains, sure hope the doctor is back by Monday from Hawaii. Sigh.
Please keep me in prayer and for a resolution to this crisis in my personal life which has brought this about....
Please keep me in prayer and for a resolution to this crisis in my personal life which has brought this about....
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Blessing
It was s blessing the heart attack was not worse.
It was a blessing that the pills help ever so slightly.
It is a blessing God does love me and is supporting me in place.
It is a blessing I know now that daughter was not able to stand in place rather than when our lives would have been on the line, years from now. Though that is open to change, in God's economy.
It was a blessing I was not killed in an auto accident Friday afternoon, when in heavy traffic the car suddenly cut hard to the left and left me broadside to a speeding truck. I have no idea how either the slide or the rescue was accomplished - we are talking divine intervention.
It is a blessing Gaelic Girl is on meds and almost normal. Were it not for the hole in my heart I might be able to enjoy her company.
It is a blessing that the two friends left are trying to be supportive.
It is a blessing that two others have stepped forward and just might turn into friends as well.
It is a blessing God granted me an emotion, if ever for so short a time. To quote Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850 - It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..... Of course, easy for you to say when you actually have emotions and can rely upon having them again.
So, I am blest, though through tears it seems these days.
It was a blessing that the pills help ever so slightly.
It is a blessing God does love me and is supporting me in place.
It is a blessing I know now that daughter was not able to stand in place rather than when our lives would have been on the line, years from now. Though that is open to change, in God's economy.
It was a blessing I was not killed in an auto accident Friday afternoon, when in heavy traffic the car suddenly cut hard to the left and left me broadside to a speeding truck. I have no idea how either the slide or the rescue was accomplished - we are talking divine intervention.
It is a blessing Gaelic Girl is on meds and almost normal. Were it not for the hole in my heart I might be able to enjoy her company.
It is a blessing that the two friends left are trying to be supportive.
It is a blessing that two others have stepped forward and just might turn into friends as well.
It is a blessing God granted me an emotion, if ever for so short a time. To quote Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850 - It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..... Of course, easy for you to say when you actually have emotions and can rely upon having them again.
So, I am blest, though through tears it seems these days.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Ugly Women
Okay, you are warned that this is neither politically correct nor sensitive to the moral fiber of what is left of America.
I flew into Chicago and I began watching people as I walked to the next gate. I rapidly became aware the I was seeing some of the ugliest women I have ever seen! And we are not talking just one, we are talking random groupings of many, forming a count of at least in the several dozen of women!
These women all wore poorly color coordinated clothing, too much jewelry, God I am sounding like my daughter! But it was true! These females really need help with dress, color and accoutrements! But there was that ticking in the back of my mind, something else was wrong but I was not figuring it immediately.
Eventually I was to discover that all of them had very large feet for their sizes as well as hands. Female basketball players headed to London? Nope, not very athletic I was able to figure out.
And then there was that whole question of those adam's apples......
So a little shaken, to have seen so many in so small a place, I was to find the numbers just about the same in Dayton, Ohio.....
Yup, America has become far sicker spiritually than I had previously suspected. I do not expect God to be extending His grace much longer....
I flew into Chicago and I began watching people as I walked to the next gate. I rapidly became aware the I was seeing some of the ugliest women I have ever seen! And we are not talking just one, we are talking random groupings of many, forming a count of at least in the several dozen of women!
These women all wore poorly color coordinated clothing, too much jewelry, God I am sounding like my daughter! But it was true! These females really need help with dress, color and accoutrements! But there was that ticking in the back of my mind, something else was wrong but I was not figuring it immediately.
Eventually I was to discover that all of them had very large feet for their sizes as well as hands. Female basketball players headed to London? Nope, not very athletic I was able to figure out.
And then there was that whole question of those adam's apples......
So a little shaken, to have seen so many in so small a place, I was to find the numbers just about the same in Dayton, Ohio.....
Yup, America has become far sicker spiritually than I had previously suspected. I do not expect God to be extending His grace much longer....
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Stress
I managed to make it through yesterday with only two, let's turn Kris into a zombie, pills. Man those suckers smack one's mind faster and hard than my grandmother - when you did not watch your tongue! They also last longer too.
I have been planning a reception for Timothy and his new bride for this weekend. Everything has gone along well in finding a few of his favorites from his old youth group, at least the ones whom are "States side". Big sleep over on my floor it seems! Assuming they show up, people these days seem so great at RSVP'ing and then not following through.
As for me, i am doing better than yesterday, at keeping myself behind my walls so far, everyone "loves" me that way - it is the only Kris anyone has ever seen, save for one. I guess I can now see the concern expressed over me and the change everyone was appalled by: being me was not what anyone expected or was comfortable with. Plastic is always so much more predictable and fun.
Well, big math and computer tests today so had better be running.....
I have been planning a reception for Timothy and his new bride for this weekend. Everything has gone along well in finding a few of his favorites from his old youth group, at least the ones whom are "States side". Big sleep over on my floor it seems! Assuming they show up, people these days seem so great at RSVP'ing and then not following through.
As for me, i am doing better than yesterday, at keeping myself behind my walls so far, everyone "loves" me that way - it is the only Kris anyone has ever seen, save for one. I guess I can now see the concern expressed over me and the change everyone was appalled by: being me was not what anyone expected or was comfortable with. Plastic is always so much more predictable and fun.
Well, big math and computer tests today so had better be running.....
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Lessons Observed
Apparently I never am to understand what happened from her perspective. It is obvious she has terminated our relationship, I am down a daughter, and yet God is still telling me to stand on what I know. Don't you just love opposites, when you are the one caught in the middle?
Outside of this blog, where I voice my thoughts, I am pretty quiet on this whole matter. I do not wish to embarrass her nor get either of us into a: he said - she said situation. She is still very much my daughter in my heart and thus it seems it shall remain.
However, my friends - what are left of them, do know the problem and that is about it. I am pretty sure the only one praying for Kris and a resolution to this situation has been me. I might be the only one that cares, but then that was true eight months ago was well.
My minor heart attack was probably predictable. No one to talk to, too much stress, and prayer my only outlet. Then yesterday, when I was at school, I was called into administration and sent to see the counselor. Yeah, Kris is apparently that obviously in need. So I trooped in, met a nice lady and now what? I could "play" this as I do all things, calculating what my responses are to be and appear normal - or - I can be honest and communicate that I am beyond my ability to deal with this emotion.
It seemed like ten minutes, it was over two hours. Lord how I pity that woman, she sure got an ear full. And her advice? The typical soothing words of the world - I know them all, I was trained in counseling as a part of how to make dysfunctional projects learn how to work together. But, at least she was the first human being in three weeks I could actually talk to about this heartbreak in my life.
As I walked out, having now missed my second class of the day, a single word came to mind, "unhealthy". It was the same word I had penned months ago concerning our relationship - it was unhealthy. But, lacking the experience in dealing with an emotional female, I had no idea how to respond. So, I did what I thought it was she needed, that did not approach any level of sin. If I was not sinning and she was getting whatever it was emotionally she needed for healing, then I had to be on the right track, right? Apparently not. Or perhaps I was right on track and that is what got to her. So, what was unhealthy? An environment where only one person would talk with her, interact with her, love her. I think most human beings would not fair well. This is only a guess, but from her perspective, she found she was in love with a guy old enough to be her grandfather. And, that was fine as far as I was concerned, nothing was ever going to happen. And yet, somewhere between the two situations, she shut down.
Back home, it seemed word had gotten around about my hospital stay over. I had many calls from members of the wedding party back in Ohio. People I barely know called and wished me well. People I expect to never see again. Contrast this with my "friends", oh yeah, the ones whom cut out of my life because I dared to reach out and obey God, as well as, my family and church family - whom express concern but there is no love. Stark contrast. Then Timothy's step father called, whom I have seen maybe three times in my life and barely ever spoken to - to pray with me, over the phone, for healing and a restoration to "health". Yeah that concept again.
I dreamt on Galatians last night in bed. I had been reading it when I passed out from the meds. I do not think I made it past chapter one but it kept rolling over and over in my mind until I saw, what I think happened in her mind. No I am not going to address this with her, I foresaw this on the 24th and posted on it on the 25th (least dear daughter you also think me liar, again), that is why she is staying away. It is enough for me to now know and understand - and God is the one whom will have to address this one with her. It will be a hard road for her to follow to reach where she could be by picking up the phone. But self perspective is hard to fight and one can really foul up ones path by it - cause you can make choices which will make it darn hard to make the right choice later on. But then, we have discussed that one before.
As for me? I think I can step forward now to some level of normality again. Yes, all of my protective walls are back up - I dropped them only for her, I thought I was now free to live without them - but if she is not going to be around, then why let others see whom I really am? I apparently am to continue to work towards the vision she and I shared, though alone for now. Will I continue with youth work? I have set a condition before God if He wants me to continue, no it does not involve my daughter. And I am more certain than ever I will never, ever, reach out to another human being again - as I did with her..... And once again, the happy clown Kris is back, making people laugh and very, very, dead on the inside.
Outside of this blog, where I voice my thoughts, I am pretty quiet on this whole matter. I do not wish to embarrass her nor get either of us into a: he said - she said situation. She is still very much my daughter in my heart and thus it seems it shall remain.
However, my friends - what are left of them, do know the problem and that is about it. I am pretty sure the only one praying for Kris and a resolution to this situation has been me. I might be the only one that cares, but then that was true eight months ago was well.
My minor heart attack was probably predictable. No one to talk to, too much stress, and prayer my only outlet. Then yesterday, when I was at school, I was called into administration and sent to see the counselor. Yeah, Kris is apparently that obviously in need. So I trooped in, met a nice lady and now what? I could "play" this as I do all things, calculating what my responses are to be and appear normal - or - I can be honest and communicate that I am beyond my ability to deal with this emotion.
It seemed like ten minutes, it was over two hours. Lord how I pity that woman, she sure got an ear full. And her advice? The typical soothing words of the world - I know them all, I was trained in counseling as a part of how to make dysfunctional projects learn how to work together. But, at least she was the first human being in three weeks I could actually talk to about this heartbreak in my life.
As I walked out, having now missed my second class of the day, a single word came to mind, "unhealthy". It was the same word I had penned months ago concerning our relationship - it was unhealthy. But, lacking the experience in dealing with an emotional female, I had no idea how to respond. So, I did what I thought it was she needed, that did not approach any level of sin. If I was not sinning and she was getting whatever it was emotionally she needed for healing, then I had to be on the right track, right? Apparently not. Or perhaps I was right on track and that is what got to her. So, what was unhealthy? An environment where only one person would talk with her, interact with her, love her. I think most human beings would not fair well. This is only a guess, but from her perspective, she found she was in love with a guy old enough to be her grandfather. And, that was fine as far as I was concerned, nothing was ever going to happen. And yet, somewhere between the two situations, she shut down.
Back home, it seemed word had gotten around about my hospital stay over. I had many calls from members of the wedding party back in Ohio. People I barely know called and wished me well. People I expect to never see again. Contrast this with my "friends", oh yeah, the ones whom cut out of my life because I dared to reach out and obey God, as well as, my family and church family - whom express concern but there is no love. Stark contrast. Then Timothy's step father called, whom I have seen maybe three times in my life and barely ever spoken to - to pray with me, over the phone, for healing and a restoration to "health". Yeah that concept again.
I dreamt on Galatians last night in bed. I had been reading it when I passed out from the meds. I do not think I made it past chapter one but it kept rolling over and over in my mind until I saw, what I think happened in her mind. No I am not going to address this with her, I foresaw this on the 24th and posted on it on the 25th (least dear daughter you also think me liar, again), that is why she is staying away. It is enough for me to now know and understand - and God is the one whom will have to address this one with her. It will be a hard road for her to follow to reach where she could be by picking up the phone. But self perspective is hard to fight and one can really foul up ones path by it - cause you can make choices which will make it darn hard to make the right choice later on. But then, we have discussed that one before.
As for me? I think I can step forward now to some level of normality again. Yes, all of my protective walls are back up - I dropped them only for her, I thought I was now free to live without them - but if she is not going to be around, then why let others see whom I really am? I apparently am to continue to work towards the vision she and I shared, though alone for now. Will I continue with youth work? I have set a condition before God if He wants me to continue, no it does not involve my daughter. And I am more certain than ever I will never, ever, reach out to another human being again - as I did with her..... And once again, the happy clown Kris is back, making people laugh and very, very, dead on the inside.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Weakened
I am weakened in all regards. My daughter has assassinated me. The very physical pain in my chest runs unabated. The medication slows down my brain and body - which only increased the stress on me. One friend called last night: Swedish Retired Rocket Scientist, three of my daughters found their way over, son texted me "bummer" and Yesfir's mother texted that I really ought to just get over this abandonment issue and just move on, do something fun. And let us remember my mother, whom called to find out why I did not call her from ER, etc. Yeah, seems that even when in harms way - there is little left of my life to draw encouragement from.
Well, I need to close before I start to get sad again. Watching the confirmation of what God told me last year come to fruition is so much harder when you get to watch it all on your lonesome. I was not concerned last year because I had at one person whom I could talk to and understood. Now that is not even true. I can not help but remember that Noah at least had his family behind him, Moses his sister and brother, Jesus his 120 disciples and family as he was crucified.
If you would continue in your prayers this week. The doctors do expect me to be back in as they predict the big one is mighty close, just not here yet. So, I get to keep my bracelets on for rapider check-in, should their predictions come to pass. On the other hand, I would just as soon not have my body utterly fail me at this time.
But, that is in God's hands, and I have no clue what He is doing with me or this situation.....
Well, I need to close before I start to get sad again. Watching the confirmation of what God told me last year come to fruition is so much harder when you get to watch it all on your lonesome. I was not concerned last year because I had at one person whom I could talk to and understood. Now that is not even true. I can not help but remember that Noah at least had his family behind him, Moses his sister and brother, Jesus his 120 disciples and family as he was crucified.
If you would continue in your prayers this week. The doctors do expect me to be back in as they predict the big one is mighty close, just not here yet. So, I get to keep my bracelets on for rapider check-in, should their predictions come to pass. On the other hand, I would just as soon not have my body utterly fail me at this time.
But, that is in God's hands, and I have no clue what He is doing with me or this situation.....
Monday, July 16, 2012
Prayer Needed
It began on Thursday night. The stress finally got to me and I have had several right chest pain and what looks to have been angina attacks, several times a day since. Last night we are now talking classic heart problem it appears.
After my first class this morning, I called up my doctor,whom it turns out is in hawaii for three weeks. Sigh.
So I contemplated my situation: center chest heart pain, pain in right back and left shoulder, shortness of breath, high anxiety and a crushing headache. Yup, emergency room time.
So I headed in and 5 hours later was back out. all arms covered with IV holes.
Seems it was a mild heart attack, however my stress levels were all off of the charts and so they released me with a drug supply to try and calm me down - but it is not exactly helping much. I am going to guess I will be back in before the night is over. This chest pain is beyond discomfort.
All prayers gladly accepted.
And Yesfir, are you available if I am flat on my lips.....?
After my first class this morning, I called up my doctor,whom it turns out is in hawaii for three weeks. Sigh.
So I contemplated my situation: center chest heart pain, pain in right back and left shoulder, shortness of breath, high anxiety and a crushing headache. Yup, emergency room time.
So I headed in and 5 hours later was back out. all arms covered with IV holes.
Seems it was a mild heart attack, however my stress levels were all off of the charts and so they released me with a drug supply to try and calm me down - but it is not exactly helping much. I am going to guess I will be back in before the night is over. This chest pain is beyond discomfort.
All prayers gladly accepted.
And Yesfir, are you available if I am flat on my lips.....?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
While I Was Away
So I survived my little "bro's" wedding.
God was gracious to provide clouds to block the scorching sun and a moderate breeze to make the event comfortable. There about 120 in attendance.
One of the few weddings I have been to where NO one got in a fight, lost their cool or became dictatorial! It was simply a very pleasant event. Of course, being Timothy's ex-best friend put me in the spot where I got the third degree, singlily, from her entire family! Yeah, everyone wanted the scoop on his divorce five years ago and on what kind of man he is. Like I am going to waste a week of my life, to attend the wedding of someone I really do not like? I thought it an odd situation and rather humorous.
Contrary to my nature, I even cried while the pastor was praying over their marriage. (and again even as I type this! %$@%^$ emotion!) I am so happy for him though. Yet it is bittersweet for me.
The hotel all of us were staying in had NO internet! I had wanted to keep up with my school work and work on my blogs as well with any free time. Oh well, all of the computer nerds watched the scify channel and discussed it over breakfast each morning.
It is good to be back home, though I continue to get almost no sleep - true since June 24th!, when God stunned me with what is to happen, contrary to what was to. So, I continue to pray, though it is in vain I fear. So much of what has happened these past few weeks has been a re-enactment of events of a different kind, a lifetime ago. I struggle to ignore the obvious correlation, I fight in prayer against this. And I am confused. God tells me to stand in place to continue to work towards a future I no longer think possible. But, what if ..... I must still play my part? Now that really would impress even me, to have that much faith in an event so many years from now, alone, and see it come to fruition.
It was with sadness I found she had come home and cleaned her room out while I was gone, leaving a note which basically said, "So long and thanks for all the fish...." (to quote Douglas Adams). I had hoped there would have been another note, hidden from children's eyes that might explain this situation - one to tell how our love went from commitment and trust, to nothing, but as has been the tale for the past three weeks - there was nothing. Just the echo of silence concerning the entire matter.
My heart is broken, I can not even lock away the pain for the first time in my life. I could survive my own chidren's failures, those of my God-children, even friends whom have rejected me because I chose to obey God and reach out to her. But, now I can't. How I hate this emotion that God has inflicted me with! I know it serves a function and perhaps that is its function - to keep her alive in my heart so that she will never be forgotten in prayer..... Or, more likely to break me. And I have to admit a tendency to consider not doing youth work any longer over this.
Last year, I had a nice life. She came into it, robbed me of all of my friends except one, and the respect of another whom had not heard of what had happened. And then she left. My life now fairly shattered, an infant emotion gasping for life, it is like it is 1976 all over again. Alone, basically friendless, humiliated, humbled, hating myself, and trying in earnest to seek a God's face whom seems to slapped me upside the head with a two by four. If I had low self esteem before, I have no idea what you would call what is below that.....
I have worked with teens now for 38 years, seen it all, heard it all, so often repeated - it is frustrating. I may just give up the ministry at this juncture. It is a thought, that might not be so unreasonable. I could use some prayer over the whispering voice, echoing the words of failure to me.
God was gracious to provide clouds to block the scorching sun and a moderate breeze to make the event comfortable. There about 120 in attendance.
One of the few weddings I have been to where NO one got in a fight, lost their cool or became dictatorial! It was simply a very pleasant event. Of course, being Timothy's ex-best friend put me in the spot where I got the third degree, singlily, from her entire family! Yeah, everyone wanted the scoop on his divorce five years ago and on what kind of man he is. Like I am going to waste a week of my life, to attend the wedding of someone I really do not like? I thought it an odd situation and rather humorous.
Contrary to my nature, I even cried while the pastor was praying over their marriage. (and again even as I type this! %$@%^$ emotion!) I am so happy for him though. Yet it is bittersweet for me.
The hotel all of us were staying in had NO internet! I had wanted to keep up with my school work and work on my blogs as well with any free time. Oh well, all of the computer nerds watched the scify channel and discussed it over breakfast each morning.
It is good to be back home, though I continue to get almost no sleep - true since June 24th!, when God stunned me with what is to happen, contrary to what was to. So, I continue to pray, though it is in vain I fear. So much of what has happened these past few weeks has been a re-enactment of events of a different kind, a lifetime ago. I struggle to ignore the obvious correlation, I fight in prayer against this. And I am confused. God tells me to stand in place to continue to work towards a future I no longer think possible. But, what if ..... I must still play my part? Now that really would impress even me, to have that much faith in an event so many years from now, alone, and see it come to fruition.
It was with sadness I found she had come home and cleaned her room out while I was gone, leaving a note which basically said, "So long and thanks for all the fish...." (to quote Douglas Adams). I had hoped there would have been another note, hidden from children's eyes that might explain this situation - one to tell how our love went from commitment and trust, to nothing, but as has been the tale for the past three weeks - there was nothing. Just the echo of silence concerning the entire matter.
My heart is broken, I can not even lock away the pain for the first time in my life. I could survive my own chidren's failures, those of my God-children, even friends whom have rejected me because I chose to obey God and reach out to her. But, now I can't. How I hate this emotion that God has inflicted me with! I know it serves a function and perhaps that is its function - to keep her alive in my heart so that she will never be forgotten in prayer..... Or, more likely to break me. And I have to admit a tendency to consider not doing youth work any longer over this.
Last year, I had a nice life. She came into it, robbed me of all of my friends except one, and the respect of another whom had not heard of what had happened. And then she left. My life now fairly shattered, an infant emotion gasping for life, it is like it is 1976 all over again. Alone, basically friendless, humiliated, humbled, hating myself, and trying in earnest to seek a God's face whom seems to slapped me upside the head with a two by four. If I had low self esteem before, I have no idea what you would call what is below that.....
I have worked with teens now for 38 years, seen it all, heard it all, so often repeated - it is frustrating. I may just give up the ministry at this juncture. It is a thought, that might not be so unreasonable. I could use some prayer over the whispering voice, echoing the words of failure to me.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thoughts on the Article
I am told that I am a member of a community of about .0025% of the population. Sociopaths are not as common as people would like to believe. Yes, there is a large group of mentally ill, delusional, and anti-social people out there, but they are not genetic fouls-up, they are self made. They love, they feel, they experience FEAR, they understand exactly what they are doing and ENJOY it. Joy is something I can not truly experience.....
Do you want to find a real sociopath?
Then understand that they are in hiding. Look for the person whom is alone, even in a crowd of their own friends. Look for people whom hold jobs that are singular in nature - like the computer industry, but do not confuse the ADD for the sociopath. Observe the candidate and see if they FEEL any emotion at all, they may well express frustration - particularly at their computer but instantly are "over" it.
Expect them to have lots of adventures because they are spontaneous and lots of injuries because, well consequences will not be judged 'prudently'.
Understand that certain songs or movies may be favorites because they express an emotion they can not feel - but sorely wish to.
Alcohol and drugs, heck any addiction, will not be a problem. Nothing can make you 'FEEL' anything or make it better, because you can not even relate to the idea of feeling something. One book even talks about addictions as masking the pain the sociopath feels - only a non-sociopath needs to hide the pain (where do these people come from!).
Look for those with violent relations to Zoloft and/or steroids, they seem to cause severe personality reactions.
I would not argue that sociopaths are normal or not dangerous; but that much of what is touted as being a sociopath is really anti-social behavior and not genetic in nature at all. And, supposedly, this is genetically transmitted trait! Yeah, I know all too well my own shortcomings and know I can do terrible things and sleep quite well afterwards.
So you know a lout? A pig? A S.O.B.? The most miserable person on the planet, if there was a prize? I would be willing to bet you that they are not a genetic sociopath. But, they may indeed be the most miserable anti-social person on the planet.....
And, what makes me such a functional sociopath? God. Pure and simple. Without the Holy Spirit's guidance moment to moment, every day, I would be completely lost.....
Do you want to find a real sociopath?
Then understand that they are in hiding. Look for the person whom is alone, even in a crowd of their own friends. Look for people whom hold jobs that are singular in nature - like the computer industry, but do not confuse the ADD for the sociopath. Observe the candidate and see if they FEEL any emotion at all, they may well express frustration - particularly at their computer but instantly are "over" it.
Expect them to have lots of adventures because they are spontaneous and lots of injuries because, well consequences will not be judged 'prudently'.
Understand that certain songs or movies may be favorites because they express an emotion they can not feel - but sorely wish to.
Alcohol and drugs, heck any addiction, will not be a problem. Nothing can make you 'FEEL' anything or make it better, because you can not even relate to the idea of feeling something. One book even talks about addictions as masking the pain the sociopath feels - only a non-sociopath needs to hide the pain (where do these people come from!).
Look for those with violent relations to Zoloft and/or steroids, they seem to cause severe personality reactions.
I would not argue that sociopaths are normal or not dangerous; but that much of what is touted as being a sociopath is really anti-social behavior and not genetic in nature at all. And, supposedly, this is genetically transmitted trait! Yeah, I know all too well my own shortcomings and know I can do terrible things and sleep quite well afterwards.
So you know a lout? A pig? A S.O.B.? The most miserable person on the planet, if there was a prize? I would be willing to bet you that they are not a genetic sociopath. But, they may indeed be the most miserable anti-social person on the planet.....
And, what makes me such a functional sociopath? God. Pure and simple. Without the Holy Spirit's guidance moment to moment, every day, I would be completely lost.....
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Response to the Article
When I was 17 I had the joy of being classified as a 'perfect' sociopath. Meant nothing to me. I already understood that I was greatly different than everyone else. My parents already understood that I was not 'normal' and no punishment would bend me to their will. My ability to score a perfect zero on any relationship test is meaningless.
I am now almost 60 and have lived a very 'normal' life and yes last year's testing still proved I was still very much a 'perfect' sociopath.
Why 'perfect'?
Because apparently I have absolutely no ability to relate in normal terms with another human being. I have friends, have five children (all adopted) and have worked with teenagers for 38 years. Yeah, I learned how to appear to be completely normal by observing others and copying their behaviors in all situations. In fact, so well, that only one of my girls did figure it out. Everyone else writes me off as slightly quirky.
So, as I read this article I was a little surprised that some was very much true about me, some not at all.
I guess if you philosophically clump all anti-social behavior together and classify it as being sociopathic in nature, then the points make sense. But, I am not so sure that much of what this was based on was not on those whom are deluded. Delusion does not necessarily equal sociopath. The ability to actually be a sociopath is a genetically inherited trait.
If you want to be a sociopath, then you will have to fore go the pleasure of feeling anything. You are literally dead on the inside. You do not feel love, or guilt, or remorse, or fear. There is no fight or flight response, there is only the question of "How bad am I going to get hurt....." I have probably read the same literature as everyone else for the examples given, but these people were deluded. The testimonies showed that they had moments of conscience, they felt terror at points in their lives. Yes, they were anti-social as demonstrated by what they did. But, they certainly were not sociopaths as I understand of my own nature. Ted Bundy might come as close as any serial killer to actually being a sociopath, however his girlfriend admitted that at times he felt remorse and terror that she could not understand.
#1 I appreciate being called 'charming' but since you do not seek companionship as a sociopath, to whom are you charming? The statement makes the point that we are basically sexual predators. How are you a sexual anything when there are NO emotions? I think this is based on anti-social behavior, not the genetic problem which creates sociopaths. I do not include hormonal responses here, even a sociopath is human - to a point.
#2 Guilty as charged.
#3 Entirely possible, if the person does not realize what they are and attempt to live a normal life.
#4 Father was a sociopath, as well as, a world class liar, so yeah. But, not wishing to be my father, I forced myself to only tell the truth, no matter how painful the consequences to me personally. Yes, I have knowing lied if it protected someone I loved, I would do it again as well for the same reason.
#5 Certainly true of my father, but hating to be lied to - I went the other way and did not have to live this way.
#6 Probably true. I know I use a great deal of brain power trying to stay on top of how do I interact, in the moment, to appear normal.
#7 Painfully true. We also can not relate to intense moments in movies or respond or understand a love song. There is no reaction, because there is no emotion to be felt. That does not mean we might not want to know what the point was or try to understand.....
#8 English is my third language and I am certainly not a master of any. I am not so certain that Manson is actually a sociopath, his is definitely anti-social, he is certainly a whack job. Find a drug addict and you will not have found a sociopath, because drugs will not mask being a sociopath and will not make you 'FEEL' better about yourself.
#9 Partially true. We can not feel guilt, our conscience is non-existent, but we can apologize when we realize that we have damaged others. We are completely oblivious and actually the apology is only words because there is no remorse. We may not understand the pain we cause others but we can observe we have. And it is also possible to be completely correct and still wrong for the situation..... Just ask my daughter about that one!
#10 I know that narcissism is considered to be an attribute of a sociopath as well and that is what is being portrayed here. Narcissism is a sick form of anti-social behavior, does lead to strong delusion but this is not someone incapable of knowing what they have done. It is someone whom is hiding behind a mask and a lie.
So getting an idea here that there are two kinds of sociopaths? Those whom choose behavior which leads to anti-social situations; and those whom are genetically flawed and can not make that choice. The former are generally the ones to fear, the latter - should they live to adulthood - hide.
I am now almost 60 and have lived a very 'normal' life and yes last year's testing still proved I was still very much a 'perfect' sociopath.
Why 'perfect'?
Because apparently I have absolutely no ability to relate in normal terms with another human being. I have friends, have five children (all adopted) and have worked with teenagers for 38 years. Yeah, I learned how to appear to be completely normal by observing others and copying their behaviors in all situations. In fact, so well, that only one of my girls did figure it out. Everyone else writes me off as slightly quirky.
So, as I read this article I was a little surprised that some was very much true about me, some not at all.
I guess if you philosophically clump all anti-social behavior together and classify it as being sociopathic in nature, then the points make sense. But, I am not so sure that much of what this was based on was not on those whom are deluded. Delusion does not necessarily equal sociopath. The ability to actually be a sociopath is a genetically inherited trait.
If you want to be a sociopath, then you will have to fore go the pleasure of feeling anything. You are literally dead on the inside. You do not feel love, or guilt, or remorse, or fear. There is no fight or flight response, there is only the question of "How bad am I going to get hurt....." I have probably read the same literature as everyone else for the examples given, but these people were deluded. The testimonies showed that they had moments of conscience, they felt terror at points in their lives. Yes, they were anti-social as demonstrated by what they did. But, they certainly were not sociopaths as I understand of my own nature. Ted Bundy might come as close as any serial killer to actually being a sociopath, however his girlfriend admitted that at times he felt remorse and terror that she could not understand.
#1 I appreciate being called 'charming' but since you do not seek companionship as a sociopath, to whom are you charming? The statement makes the point that we are basically sexual predators. How are you a sexual anything when there are NO emotions? I think this is based on anti-social behavior, not the genetic problem which creates sociopaths. I do not include hormonal responses here, even a sociopath is human - to a point.
#2 Guilty as charged.
#3 Entirely possible, if the person does not realize what they are and attempt to live a normal life.
#4 Father was a sociopath, as well as, a world class liar, so yeah. But, not wishing to be my father, I forced myself to only tell the truth, no matter how painful the consequences to me personally. Yes, I have knowing lied if it protected someone I loved, I would do it again as well for the same reason.
#5 Certainly true of my father, but hating to be lied to - I went the other way and did not have to live this way.
#6 Probably true. I know I use a great deal of brain power trying to stay on top of how do I interact, in the moment, to appear normal.
#7 Painfully true. We also can not relate to intense moments in movies or respond or understand a love song. There is no reaction, because there is no emotion to be felt. That does not mean we might not want to know what the point was or try to understand.....
#8 English is my third language and I am certainly not a master of any. I am not so certain that Manson is actually a sociopath, his is definitely anti-social, he is certainly a whack job. Find a drug addict and you will not have found a sociopath, because drugs will not mask being a sociopath and will not make you 'FEEL' better about yourself.
#9 Partially true. We can not feel guilt, our conscience is non-existent, but we can apologize when we realize that we have damaged others. We are completely oblivious and actually the apology is only words because there is no remorse. We may not understand the pain we cause others but we can observe we have. And it is also possible to be completely correct and still wrong for the situation..... Just ask my daughter about that one!
#10 I know that narcissism is considered to be an attribute of a sociopath as well and that is what is being portrayed here. Narcissism is a sick form of anti-social behavior, does lead to strong delusion but this is not someone incapable of knowing what they have done. It is someone whom is hiding behind a mask and a lie.
So getting an idea here that there are two kinds of sociopaths? Those whom choose behavior which leads to anti-social situations; and those whom are genetically flawed and can not make that choice. The former are generally the ones to fear, the latter - should they live to adulthood - hide.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Article on Sociopaths
http://www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html
Not an entirely correct article but an interesting read!
#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn't do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.
#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others.
#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.
#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and "win" at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.
#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.
#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don't actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.
#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running "stream of consciousness" monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIfGj_55FHI
#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.
#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, "I've never killed anyone! I don't need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don't need to live in this physical realm..."
Watch Charles Manson saying this at the 3:05 mark of this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIfGj_55FHI
Not an entirely correct article but an interesting read!
10 signs for spotting a sociopath
#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a "glow" about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn't do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.
#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others.
#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.
#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and "win" at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.
#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.
#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don't actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.
#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running "stream of consciousness" monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIfGj_55FHI
#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.
#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, "I've never killed anyone! I don't need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don't need to live in this physical realm..."
Watch Charles Manson saying this at the 3:05 mark of this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIfGj_55FHI
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
More on Idols
Thinking on things which can come between us and God:
Money
Power
Fame
Pleasure
Drugs
Alcohol
Popularity
Perception of others
Fashion
Appearance
Sports (playing)
Sports (watching)
Athletes
Celebrities
Technology
Gadgets
Success
Finding the "deal"
The "American" dream
Cars
Family
Friends
Your children's activities
Your children's success
Job
Tools
Promotions
Heath/fitness
Pets
Entertainment
an abundance of other ideas which can come between you and God. Even you service to God can become an idol!
Money
Power
Fame
Pleasure
Drugs
Alcohol
Popularity
Perception of others
Fashion
Appearance
Sports (playing)
Sports (watching)
Athletes
Celebrities
Technology
Gadgets
Success
Finding the "deal"
The "American" dream
Cars
Family
Friends
Your children's activities
Your children's success
Job
Tools
Promotions
Heath/fitness
Pets
Entertainment
an abundance of other ideas which can come between you and God. Even you service to God can become an idol!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Idols
Spent time this past two days reading through James and then had to branch to 1 John since God was bringing the subject of idols in our/my life to my attention.
1 John 5:20-21
First, you need to identify the idols in your life.
The Holy Spirit will show you the idols of your life, if you allow hm to.
Problem is, these idols are the very things we allow in our lives!
To seek your idols is to point your fingers back at yourself - expect to not be happy.
1. What have you put in God's place in your life?
2. What controls your life?
3. What brings meaning to your life?
In all likelihood, you just discovered your problem.
Repent and put things right!
Regain the perspective that God comes first, all else after that.
Confess to God having allowed these items to separate you from him.
Correct the situation and place less emphasis on those items.
Make right with others, like you family you have ignored.
Restore Jesus to the throne of your life.
Keeping Jesus first in all things.
Perspective on Him and not things/stuff/non important situations.
This is not a monastic form of life you should be following,
Be involved in your community and those around you!
1 John 5:20-21
First, you need to identify the idols in your life.
The Holy Spirit will show you the idols of your life, if you allow hm to.
Problem is, these idols are the very things we allow in our lives!
To seek your idols is to point your fingers back at yourself - expect to not be happy.
1. What have you put in God's place in your life?
2. What controls your life?
3. What brings meaning to your life?
In all likelihood, you just discovered your problem.
Repent and put things right!
Regain the perspective that God comes first, all else after that.
Confess to God having allowed these items to separate you from him.
Correct the situation and place less emphasis on those items.
Make right with others, like you family you have ignored.
Restore Jesus to the throne of your life.
Keeping Jesus first in all things.
Perspective on Him and not things/stuff/non important situations.
This is not a monastic form of life you should be following,
Be involved in your community and those around you!
Friday, July 6, 2012
Conclusion of a Lesson
Tonight God showed me why I have been in a living hell for the past two plus weeks.....
I wrote at the beginning of this lesson back when it occurred and then had to delete it when I realized that there were a few legal ramification for what I had said. Yeah, it was about me but it had some "national security" issues associated with it. I really do not want more trouble in my life, so I deleted it. But, that was the beginning.....
It all started with a movie I watched. Although fictionalized, to be more exciting that it was in reality, it traced what happened after an event I was involved in. In real life, when I figured it out, I got the heck out of Dodge, so to speak. But, I knew someone, sometime would be found to replace me. And, as I sat and watched, a flood of memories came roaring back into my mind: pictures of a man, his wife, his children, his home, his body guards, the plans of his village, the topography of the area. Forty years later I can still recall the particulars of the man I was supposed to murder - in the name of peace. Oh how politically incorrect of me! I was supposed to "adjust a situation". Yeah, with an M-21 rifle.
So I and the military came to blows. In the end, I won in Federal Court. In reality, it cost me all peace for two years, my stepmother was kidnapped and tortured (oh again politically incorrect of me - detained and beat senseless) and destroyed father's marriage number three.
Coincidentally, came my friends involving me in something they thought would be hilarious. Betrayed by all it seemed at the time.
My honor destroyed, literally fearing for my life, I packed my toothbrush and headed for Vancouver, Canada in hopes of hiding from everyone! But, this guy named Jesus caught up with me in Seattle, when a random Christian gal gave this skinny hitch-hiker a ride, I found her to be unlike anyone I had ever known, and the rest became history.
But in 1974 the only way I survived the disasters in my life was to completely lock my mind and heart down. No one was allowed near, no one came close, obviously NO ONE could be trusted. Except for a Swedish model I meet - she can be found under the 1975 betrayal. grrrrrrrrrr!
Forty years later, I sat and watched my own fictionalized history: the horror, the terror, the betrayals all came rushing back to my mind. My life was already in shambles, I was struggling to stay sane, and then the last child went sideways on me. The betrayal was complete. I struggled because I could not believe she could turn on me, I did everything I could to reach out but all of my attempts fell on a closed mind. I had become inconvenient. I completely shut down.
And tonight, God had a little 'test' cross my path, a test which left me questioning exactly what is wrong. And God tied the past and present together - so plainly that even I could see a few things which explained why I was reacting as I was. It does not change the sense of betrayal I still feel, but I think I can now deal with it - if I am not the only one attempting to so......
I am stunned to find out how close to the surface old memories lay. A random movie brought back memories I thought long sealed. Yet, all of the psychological cues were there: the repeat events lined up and my protective defenses took over. No nothing is changed today - life still sucks, the year still has the ability to be the worse ever, and no one will interact with me. Be that as it may, I at least can understand the why of my mind and heart shutting down. I can at least make one more effort to reach out to the last person I trust in my life.
I wrote at the beginning of this lesson back when it occurred and then had to delete it when I realized that there were a few legal ramification for what I had said. Yeah, it was about me but it had some "national security" issues associated with it. I really do not want more trouble in my life, so I deleted it. But, that was the beginning.....
It all started with a movie I watched. Although fictionalized, to be more exciting that it was in reality, it traced what happened after an event I was involved in. In real life, when I figured it out, I got the heck out of Dodge, so to speak. But, I knew someone, sometime would be found to replace me. And, as I sat and watched, a flood of memories came roaring back into my mind: pictures of a man, his wife, his children, his home, his body guards, the plans of his village, the topography of the area. Forty years later I can still recall the particulars of the man I was supposed to murder - in the name of peace. Oh how politically incorrect of me! I was supposed to "adjust a situation". Yeah, with an M-21 rifle.
So I and the military came to blows. In the end, I won in Federal Court. In reality, it cost me all peace for two years, my stepmother was kidnapped and tortured (oh again politically incorrect of me - detained and beat senseless) and destroyed father's marriage number three.
Coincidentally, came my friends involving me in something they thought would be hilarious. Betrayed by all it seemed at the time.
My honor destroyed, literally fearing for my life, I packed my toothbrush and headed for Vancouver, Canada in hopes of hiding from everyone! But, this guy named Jesus caught up with me in Seattle, when a random Christian gal gave this skinny hitch-hiker a ride, I found her to be unlike anyone I had ever known, and the rest became history.
But in 1974 the only way I survived the disasters in my life was to completely lock my mind and heart down. No one was allowed near, no one came close, obviously NO ONE could be trusted. Except for a Swedish model I meet - she can be found under the 1975 betrayal. grrrrrrrrrr!
Forty years later, I sat and watched my own fictionalized history: the horror, the terror, the betrayals all came rushing back to my mind. My life was already in shambles, I was struggling to stay sane, and then the last child went sideways on me. The betrayal was complete. I struggled because I could not believe she could turn on me, I did everything I could to reach out but all of my attempts fell on a closed mind. I had become inconvenient. I completely shut down.
And tonight, God had a little 'test' cross my path, a test which left me questioning exactly what is wrong. And God tied the past and present together - so plainly that even I could see a few things which explained why I was reacting as I was. It does not change the sense of betrayal I still feel, but I think I can now deal with it - if I am not the only one attempting to so......
I am stunned to find out how close to the surface old memories lay. A random movie brought back memories I thought long sealed. Yet, all of the psychological cues were there: the repeat events lined up and my protective defenses took over. No nothing is changed today - life still sucks, the year still has the ability to be the worse ever, and no one will interact with me. Be that as it may, I at least can understand the why of my mind and heart shutting down. I can at least make one more effort to reach out to the last person I trust in my life.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Temptation
I am so tempted to delete my last post, but really it shows the frustration and stress I am having to deal with. I was so frustrated on the evening of the third, I just told God to take this dysfunctional relationship and stuff it. But, I allowed that if he did give me any form of an acknowledgement concerning my frustration, I would hang in there but having no idea as to how to do so.
And he did, literally as I was shutting off the phone for the night - a text of no real meaning arrived other than it acknowledged that I might still be alive. I was so angry, you have no idea! Whether I like it or not, dysfunctional is the status quo, with no idea how to continues.....
Yesterday was a bit of a drag as well. The stress and the symptoms runs unabated through my body. I could not even go to the little parade, my body to messed up between the meds and trying to stay awake. Then, everyone confirmed for the bbq. But who showed up? Swedish Rocket Scientist, whom I had not invited as I thought he was not even going to be in the area. Gaelic Girl, whom I did invite. And two kids, only one of whom ate, but everyone left before the fireworks. So I sat with son's dog and tried to keep him calm while explosions rocked the house. Now I have a MOUNTAIN of food for the eleven whom did not show up, yet were expected. I think I am going to be hating brats and potato salad before the weekend is over.
This will probably be my last attempt at entertainment this year. There does not seem to be much appreciation for what it takes to put on a spread, nor for the the cost involved either. And I would have been much happier not cleaning my house, not spending 1.5 days cooking, for people whom were not to show up.
Sigh. People suck.
And he did, literally as I was shutting off the phone for the night - a text of no real meaning arrived other than it acknowledged that I might still be alive. I was so angry, you have no idea! Whether I like it or not, dysfunctional is the status quo, with no idea how to continues.....
Yesterday was a bit of a drag as well. The stress and the symptoms runs unabated through my body. I could not even go to the little parade, my body to messed up between the meds and trying to stay awake. Then, everyone confirmed for the bbq. But who showed up? Swedish Rocket Scientist, whom I had not invited as I thought he was not even going to be in the area. Gaelic Girl, whom I did invite. And two kids, only one of whom ate, but everyone left before the fireworks. So I sat with son's dog and tried to keep him calm while explosions rocked the house. Now I have a MOUNTAIN of food for the eleven whom did not show up, yet were expected. I think I am going to be hating brats and potato salad before the weekend is over.
This will probably be my last attempt at entertainment this year. There does not seem to be much appreciation for what it takes to put on a spread, nor for the the cost involved either. And I would have been much happier not cleaning my house, not spending 1.5 days cooking, for people whom were not to show up.
Sigh. People suck.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Struggling On
So, third set of coins ready to go off this afternoon to the local shop. Took most of the evening as I grieved over the loss but such as it is.... I am amazed at how hard this is. I know that if one of my children needed surgery, I would sell them with joy - but to sell them for a future day that someone might seek professional help.....sigh, that one is oh so much harder. But, then again, maybe there is another purpose behind this?
I generally do a bbq on the Fourth of July. Not even sure all of the kids will show up. But, I invited a guy from the church whom has been a good friend. His wife is taking their older children to a party and he was stuck at home with the two infants. So why not do brats at Kris'?!? The local fireworks are over the lake and my roof is the perfect observation point!
So, tomorrow should be fun! If only I was not completely stressed out by life. Yeah my blood pressure is off the charts again due to the stress. I am at my end, why bother any longer? The more I attempt to stand in place, the worse everything becomes. Indeed, why bother? And that haunting thought extends to every situation and every relationship in my life. I am having nose bleeds that last 4 to 5 hours, severe chest pains (right side, so just inconvenient), and all I crave is cookies.
I function as a robot, do as expected (by me), ignore everyone's thoughts or anger expressed towards me. They hated me before, they hate me now, they will hate me tomorrow. They would all argue that they do not hate me, they just do not like me right now. But since no one seems to want to be around me, talk with me, etc. That is hate, it is not love that says I will live my life, blow off all others, unless it is convenient to me, I am the master of my own destiny after all, right? Hardy, but no one listens. Even when confronted with the truth, they only wish to worship error, indeed, why bother anymore.
Yeah, Kris needs a vacation from humanity.
But, for one whom should care: I will be where I need to be - when I need to be. If you are not there, I do not even care any longer. God will raise up whom He will. If someone else is there, fine. I know my role, no matter what is thought of me...... I am not going to continue dysfunctional relationships. Sorry.
I generally do a bbq on the Fourth of July. Not even sure all of the kids will show up. But, I invited a guy from the church whom has been a good friend. His wife is taking their older children to a party and he was stuck at home with the two infants. So why not do brats at Kris'?!? The local fireworks are over the lake and my roof is the perfect observation point!
So, tomorrow should be fun! If only I was not completely stressed out by life. Yeah my blood pressure is off the charts again due to the stress. I am at my end, why bother any longer? The more I attempt to stand in place, the worse everything becomes. Indeed, why bother? And that haunting thought extends to every situation and every relationship in my life. I am having nose bleeds that last 4 to 5 hours, severe chest pains (right side, so just inconvenient), and all I crave is cookies.
I function as a robot, do as expected (by me), ignore everyone's thoughts or anger expressed towards me. They hated me before, they hate me now, they will hate me tomorrow. They would all argue that they do not hate me, they just do not like me right now. But since no one seems to want to be around me, talk with me, etc. That is hate, it is not love that says I will live my life, blow off all others, unless it is convenient to me, I am the master of my own destiny after all, right? Hardy, but no one listens. Even when confronted with the truth, they only wish to worship error, indeed, why bother anymore.
Yeah, Kris needs a vacation from humanity.
But, for one whom should care: I will be where I need to be - when I need to be. If you are not there, I do not even care any longer. God will raise up whom He will. If someone else is there, fine. I know my role, no matter what is thought of me...... I am not going to continue dysfunctional relationships. Sorry.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Painful Weekend
It is turning out harder for me to part with my coin collection than I imagined it would be. Sorting, resorting, knowing that almost all of it must go and yet knowing that it is not in my heart to do so - especially given the situation.
Gaelic Girl has definitely popped a fuse somewhere. I spent two weeks finding her a female Christian counselor, willing to work with a menopausal woman (it is harder than you think to find one!) and near her place of employment so easy to reach on days she wants to ride her bicycle. I congratulate my stick-to-it-ness in solving that riddle!
The problem? She is pissed off I did this without telling her what I was doing, because she has no intention of seeking counseling. Sheeish. Even though I was able to prove to her that she is delusional and had her visit the counselor's website - nope, not going to change her mind! OMG!
I attempted to address the entire father's day conversion where she told me to get out of her house, but she simply denied it. Then yesterday agreed she had said it and still wanted me out of her house. Go figure. I told her to get counseling and we will discuss my leaving my children and her home.....
So it is hard to sell my coins. I know she will not get the help she needs unless she does something stupid and her company puts into it, or she is arrested and forced into it, etc. So, I am using the moneys to fix up Timothy's car for his honeymoon, when he flies out here next Saturday. I need to replace three seat belts, the brakes, four tires and fluid changes. Such fun!
But, I am hurting and when I hurt I eat, but I must not eat, I need to lose a tad more to fit my suit for the wedding next week. Yeah, black suit, 100+ degree weather - my suit pants will probably fall off half way through the wedding due to water loss! LOL.
So, none of the kids are talking to me anymore - unless they want something, GG is out of the picture, all of my friends except for one distancing me, and that one is mighty busy it seems. So an army of one, relying on prayer to pull me through and somehow keep my sanity. I am admittedly, at the end of ability to cope.
In the meantime, I exist in pain, without relief, without anyone to even talk to. Thank God I am a sociopath or I would probably go out of mind, instead of continuing to work on my coins, eating Nilla Vanillas and wondering how could my entire surroundings have been so overcome by evil.....
Gaelic Girl has definitely popped a fuse somewhere. I spent two weeks finding her a female Christian counselor, willing to work with a menopausal woman (it is harder than you think to find one!) and near her place of employment so easy to reach on days she wants to ride her bicycle. I congratulate my stick-to-it-ness in solving that riddle!
The problem? She is pissed off I did this without telling her what I was doing, because she has no intention of seeking counseling. Sheeish. Even though I was able to prove to her that she is delusional and had her visit the counselor's website - nope, not going to change her mind! OMG!
I attempted to address the entire father's day conversion where she told me to get out of her house, but she simply denied it. Then yesterday agreed she had said it and still wanted me out of her house. Go figure. I told her to get counseling and we will discuss my leaving my children and her home.....
So it is hard to sell my coins. I know she will not get the help she needs unless she does something stupid and her company puts into it, or she is arrested and forced into it, etc. So, I am using the moneys to fix up Timothy's car for his honeymoon, when he flies out here next Saturday. I need to replace three seat belts, the brakes, four tires and fluid changes. Such fun!
But, I am hurting and when I hurt I eat, but I must not eat, I need to lose a tad more to fit my suit for the wedding next week. Yeah, black suit, 100+ degree weather - my suit pants will probably fall off half way through the wedding due to water loss! LOL.
So, none of the kids are talking to me anymore - unless they want something, GG is out of the picture, all of my friends except for one distancing me, and that one is mighty busy it seems. So an army of one, relying on prayer to pull me through and somehow keep my sanity. I am admittedly, at the end of ability to cope.
In the meantime, I exist in pain, without relief, without anyone to even talk to. Thank God I am a sociopath or I would probably go out of mind, instead of continuing to work on my coins, eating Nilla Vanillas and wondering how could my entire surroundings have been so overcome by evil.....
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